The Unspoken Thoughts of Complicated Simplicity

What difference does it make?

2010-09-14T14:24:00.004-06:00

I think it's safe to say that most of us have posed this mostly rhetorical question a time or five. Let me get right to the toe-stepping: if you've made this statement-YOU are an asshole.

I'm not judging you, I'm not labeling you-all I'm saying is that the moment you made that statement to whomever you made it to, in that same moment you reached asshole status. You can quit reading now, or we can discuss.

Usually, if you have to pose this question-it's too late to make the difference, but you're asking someone to accept something outside of what is acceptable and "what difference does it make" actually means "Just deal with it!" Guess you're wondering what type of scenarios I'm speaking of? Or maybe you're trying to decide if there's a scenario that I'm NOT speaking of.

I hear parents saying this a lot of times about things pertaining to their children. "What difference does it make if I buy X label or Y label for your school supplies?" Well in this instance, probably not much as far as performance goes but you're teaching your children to question authority, to ask questions when given instruction, and to assume they know what's best when a suggestion has been given. See what I'm saying?

I heard somebody say "What difference does it make if I pay him back today or in a month?". Well obviously he isn't getting his money today, but the difference is that that person didn't have to let you borrow any money at all. The difference is whatever you needed that money for, you got it and you took it for selfish reasons and now you want to be upset that they expect you to honor YOUR word when they did what YOU asked? The difference is the next time you need some money, I hope you have more friends because you're going to be without whatever it is that you got.

Many a time I've heard a woman griping about that man that she's been with forever and he wants to know "What's the difference if we're married or not?" How about being able to show someone before God that you are committed? I understand that a piece of paper shouldn't change a relationship but sometimes it does. I've been the friend for more than one of my friends to whom I've had to share that the person they ARE is certainly not the person they were before marriage. And if you get stuck in this situation, you didn't do enough research on that person to make sure you know who he/she is through and through. A piece of paper doesn't solidify your commitment, but it sure makes you responsible for what happens if you don't RESPECT it. Chances are if you have a man or woman asking what's the difference, the difference is they don't want to be married because they aren't acting like a person who WANTS to be married SHOULD. Chances are that your biggest problem probably isn't commitment, it's probably fidelity and trust.

How about the man/woman carrying on a relationship with someone while BEING married. "What's the difference if I'm married or not, I'm here with you". The difference is the man/woman you're with doesn't get any benefit that you bring to the married table. The difference is that everything that other man/woman does for you is in fact beneficiary to YOUR spouse. The difference is that your spouse is entitled to everything you have and the only thing your OTHER is entitled to is hurt feelings and a letter from you stating how many community service hours they gave you because what they did for you, no matter how much or how little, was for FREE. If anything they did for you was to benefit you, they also did it to benefit you and YOUR family that they are not a part of. The difference is that if you want to be married, you should be married and they should be looking at you and realizing you aren't spouse material ANYWAY. The difference is that the person you are with is part of YOUR wrongdoing and is that someone suitable to be with anyway? Is that someone whose judgment you should trust? Is it someone you're going to always run over because they allowed you to deem them as #2 to your #1? And if you are the guilty party-have you somehow convinced yourself that this is different? I'd go ahead and substitute "different" for "stupid". True enough, you can't help who you love. But you can help HOW you love WHO you love.

How about when we ask ourselves "WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?". If you are asking yourself that question, you are second guessing yourself...and if YOU can't stand up to YOU, chances are you get asked this question often and it is rhetorical because the other person knows the answer. NONE. When you have to ask yourself this, you are now asking yourself to settle for a circumstance you had previously deemed unsatisfactory. If you have to ask yourself this, you've moved off the asshole platform straight into Stupid county, located in Settling City. All locations you will find blogs about right here to the right -------->.

Is the question "what difference does it make?" or is the question "what difference do YOU make?"

If the answer is NONE, then you are in the wrong place, at the wrong moment...

at the RIGHT TIME.

What difference do I make? A big difference. So much so that after most have existed in my world, they don't want to exist anywhere else.

What difference do they make?

Some.
None.
All.

I'm still learning. The biggest difference is me.

I'm not who I used to be.
I don't know what I'm going to be.
But I know how to just be.

What's the difference?

Craig...I'm addicted to your list.

2010-08-30T13:21:00.004-06:00

Ok...this post will be like none other you've ever read. The behavior I'm about to explain...MY behavior that I'm about to explain, is like none other you've ever read, I've ever written about, or that you've ever expected. There will be some straight up offensive language, material, and topics in this post. If you're not up for it-please stop reading. The only reference to God I'm going to make is RIGHT HERE to just say please forgive me for posting this nonsense, but now that I'm done with it, I have GOT to get this off my chest.

Okay? Disclaimer is done...

If you're still reading, you're a pervert in my book or so nosy that you are now no longer allowed to judge me or make comments of the judgemental type. This happened on accident.

Of course when working in a professional setting or maintaining a professional setting for your business there are firewalls. Now there are tools that will tell you what type of sites are visited most often, blocked most often...blah blah blah. I happened to see Craigslist getting hit multiple times, so in an effort to maybe unblock since I use this site for advertising, etc...I click on the link.

HOLY BUCKETS, JESUS. IS THAT A PENIS ON CRAIGSLIST??
I quickly close out and confirm YES, this site should be blocked.

Now, this was around the time I was looking for houses-and on my handy dandy new android phone, there is a Craigslist app. So, since I had found a house-I went to delete the notifications...and then the addiction started. Here is where I start confessing...and this is where you start judging...BEAT IT.

I added new notifications to my list, Craig. I added casual encounters...trying to see if I can see who is around me that's either a pervy poster or a pervy responder. That's how it started. Then as I was reading the foolishness and they referenced other spots, I added those to. So, in completion-I was getting notifications of the casual encounters, men for men, men for women, women for men, women for women, and misc romance.

Now listen, since the Chief left-my social life has taken a complete nosedive. I didn't realize how much of the freetime I don't have I spent with him. I didn't realize how much he actually DOES get me and how much I kind of preferred his company to anyone else's. My closest friends are cupcaked up and now married, and my other friends-well, they're just others. In the departure of the Chief and their kind of disregard for him, or asking WHEN I was going to move on let me know that 1-they didn't take my feelings for him seriously, 2-even if they did take my feelings for him seriously they are some disrespectful clucks, 3-I really am at a different place where people that don't GET the big picture don't really interest me anymore. I'll give them a call when I want to go party-but since they can't seem to find anything more worthwhile or more important-I'm not that moved to be around them much. Spectator friends-that's a blog for another day.

Now let me say this-I didn't even know there was a personals section on Craigslist until some crazy chick I used to work with would meet her guy friends there. I thought it was crazy then, and do NOT EVER BE CONFUSED-I still think it's crazy now!! When she was all beside herself cause the dude turned out to be one night stands disguised as genuine dudes, or crazy-trains that were addicted to porn and internet-I laughed on the inside at her.

Listen, I'm sure people have some really rewarding, successful, and e-xcellent relationships from meeting someone online. Hell, we put our pics up on Facebook, Twitter, all kinds of stuff. BUT THERE ARE PRIVACY CONTROLS! I mean, even at the dating sites, I get the idea that if I pay and someone else pays, then we can be mutually viewed as two people who are invested in trying to find love and are serious about finding prospects. BUT CRAIGSLIST?? CRAIGSLIST IS FREE!!

I won't share pictures, although let me tell you-these people post some pictures OK!!! I mean face shots, body shots...and every other kind of perverted shot you could think of-they are on Craigslist. Here are some sample postings...again-this is some x-rated, crazy, weird ass shit...excuse the language there is no other words to explain. I have to get my thoughts out...I just have to.

First of all, every woman in America should be reading these posts. I promise 80% of the postings are MARRIED MEN looking for some "gay-play". I can't BELIEVE how many people are scavengers for these poor military men, and I am the MOST dumbfounded at MILITARY GUYS posting pics of their face AND their business!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!! And the weird fetishes, just weird. So, if I judge by my CL education, I'd say most gay guys shave down there. Can you guys pass this on to your straight counterparts? There are some postings where the guys want a HAIRY man. I'm always a little tickled by the men that want a "straight acting" man to come be a bottom or top for them. AND, for the love of all things, MEN, stop posting in the MEN FOR MEN and saying something stupid like "Straight married man for head". Newsflash SUGAR, heavy on the SUGAR-YOU ARE NOT STRAIGHT. If you like to put your shit in another man's ANYTHING that isn't his wife or girlfriend, YOU ARE GAY. Miss me with the bi-curious thing too. It's a nice way of saying you're greedy when it comes to sex. I'll take try-sexual, but bi? NO. Then I started realizing that some of these men post for men and women in different sections (see why it's important to cross reference?).

Now, the transgender and cross dressers-I have seen some that definitely made me pause because they were quite convincing. There is nothing more disturbing than seeing a lady in a shirt and skirt, a lady in some lingerie, and then that lady with her legs open and her dick at full attention. I mean, if that gave me pause-I kind of feel for the men that might have been looking like I.

I'd like to just slap some of the women on Craigslist. I mean, buy a fucking clue you desperate clucks. REALLY. I'm sorry. I warned you at the beginning, I swear I did. First of all, you white women that are so hard up for a BBC (Big black cock), I mean really-how many trucks have ran over your face with all 18 wheels? It can't be that hard. And conversely, I"m also amused by the people that say "Absolutely no-whites, blacks, BBW (Big Beautiful Women), shorter than XYZ, taller than XYZ", and the disclaimers "Please be GL (Good looking) cause I AM!" Really? That's why you're posting on a free site that your co-workers, kids, PASTORS, or anybody could be looking at? I mean no WONDER it was easy for a killer to target somebody...is it really this bad to date?

When people say things like "Looks don't matter". I assume they are one inch away from looking like they walked out of a special effects trailer to be THAT ugly, or a Dr. Phil reject to be that insecure. I mean, really-you would rather really try these things with a stranger than someone you might be comfortable with?? But I do love the disclaimer that they have been told that they are good looking. Then why can't you do freaky stuff with the people that tell you that?!!

The couples kind of confuse me. You are a couple, you want to bring another person or persons in to spice up your sex life. UM...ok. To each his own. I mean, the women that are looking for another chick to do their man-that's some self confidence right there. How do you know this chick wouldn't come in and turn him out? And you get to be a witness to the last time your man was looking at you like you could do something and the beginning of him looking at you sideways because he's been missing out. If you guys have a great relationship, why is HE or SHE looking for someone else. Look in the mirror, point, and say DUMMY. If I'm being real-that's the type of thing you do on a whim and never see that person again and you do it, it's done, you just don't speak of it again.

Now, there are some trends that go on that I have just been totally perplexed by. First-double penetration. I have decided that the two guys doing this have to be try-sexual. I mean, are you getting off on your stuff being in the a or b hole, or are you really getting off by the other piece that's rubbing on YOUR piece.

Fisting? Um, I'm scared of dongs that are too big. If somebody tried to put a fist in my stuff, I'd put a fist in their face. And the men that do this...I'm just terribly confused. TERRIBLY.

Squirting...this has actually become a new obsession of mine. Obviously this is HOT activity by the number of men that seek the women that can do this-but how do you confirm? I mean maybe all women can squirt...but what do you ask for to verify? Video?? Let's meet, greet, squirt?? Hmmm...I'm just curious if all women CAN do it, and if so-I've been robbed.

Then, there are various places where couples or freaky posters say they are going that I've NEVER heard of. Am I that unaware of the things that go on around me? I mean, this place isn't that big is it??

Now, here are some samples...I couldn't make this stuff up people, I just couldn't...

This one came with an interracial love pic to accompany it:

"M4M Looking for BBC-34 yr: Bootom looking for some bbc to take care of. In need of bbc in my mouth and ass. If you have a few bbc freinds we can make it a group."

Hey guy-thanks for posting a pic of your big 9"+ thing, but you could have left out the pic of you bent over to show your "vers" top action...but here's the posting

"A work out-Downtown Y-22yr: Hey guys sexy black male here short balck hair milk chocoalte skin tone, semi-tone/avg build well hung 9x6 cut dick and ddfree im a vers top I will be going to work out this evening after I get off from work around 7:45 or so and would like to have some fun after I leave the gym or better yet while Im at the gym. my locker is one of the ones that is closest to the showers if you work out at the downtown Y and wanna maybe have some fun hit me up too there are alot of sexy guys there that I wuold not have a problem messing around with lol I have a scorpion tattoo on my RIGHT ASS CHEEK I will rub it and stuff cause its new so if you see me and wanna play just say CUM when you see me in the shower I will most likely be int eh shower that you see right as you walk in and maybe we can have some discreet soap fun. If you just wanna meet me afterwards that coo to you must be able to host and be somewhat in the downtown area or close too you must be very discreet. Ill be in black shorts with a bright shirt" and he ended this with posting his phone number.

I'll give you a minute to gather your thoughts...

Moving on to Casual Encounters:

"Please fuck my man-MW4W-25 yr: I am looking for a sexy woman that will take my man and make him please you in whatever way you want. He is very talented with his tongue and his cock feels good. He is 6'3" white dd free piercedtongue and 6.5" cut and thick. I have some pics of him. All I ask for on this occasion is that tell me all the details when finished. If hot enough maybe we can all get together and have a hot threesome if you are into that. If not that is fine too. Age race and size not important. He will do whatever I tell him too...and we are very real."

"str8 or military cock wanted-45 yr-M4M: bi man looking to suck only. no reciprocation. wanting str8 or military cock, married preferred. Discretion assured and expected in return. must be in decent shape. no oldies or fatties or fems. serious only. today, asap."

"Married...Looking for fun today or tomorrow! -W4W-25 yr: I am married so this must be discreet! I am looking for a hot woman to put my tongue in your nice, clean, and wet pussy! I am a BBW that is 420 friendly so if that's a problem to bad for you. Your picture gets my picture! I am just looking to have some fun1 You must host and not play games. I'm grown and don't have time for it. MUST BE DISEASE FREE as I AM! NO MEN OR COUPLES"

I mean, I could go on and on...entertaining? Yes. Alarming? Yes. True? YESSSSSS! I really love how 99% of the posts say that it has to be discreet. You want discretion but you're posting pics of your stuff on Craigslist. Listen, if my man posted a pic of his thang on the internet...I would KNOW it was his, ok!!??!! The people that post and state they are HIV+ or have Herpes or other stuff, or want to do drugs...is this okay? I mean, how come every police officer in every city isn't meeting these crazies and taking them in one by one?!!

I'm not going to lie...I often wonder WHO ANSWERS THESE ADS?! I mean, who's reading and thinking this is normal. I laugh several times a day. I have to apologize to my friends who have had to suffer through this with me because I send them the ones that I'm too baffled to believe so I have to show someone else what I saw.

Look, I'm posting this now as a confession of sins past, not some sinister premonition into my future or my cause of death. After reading these for so many days, I started walking around classifying people as Craigslist crazy or not. I would be walking in the park looking at people that I used to just think were eating their lunch in their cars. Now I look at them and wonder if they are waiting for some crazy they met on Craiglist!! Now I think everybody is some crazy-train who wants to insert a fist, a foot, or some other crazy anything in any orifice I or anybody else has.

So, this is an educational post. I have certainly been educated in my readings of these postings. I don't know if I have anything further to say.

Getting free stuff on Craigslist has taken on a WHOLE NEW MEANING in my life. You know you're going to look at the ads for your area...and as a friend, if there are good ones-tell me so I can look too!

Hi...I was addicted to Craigslist. I've been clean for about 5 minutes.

The Consequence of Being Whole

2010-05-28T08:10:00.004-06:00

Understand, I'm not trying to be boastful or anything less than humble when speaking of myself. I'm going to have to say, in my opinion, as far as women go-I'm an A+ catch. Of course that's my opinion. In a conversation with my mother, we were discussing my complete lack of being able to make a man feel needed and as I listened to her tell me I shouldn't be like that-I just couldn't compute that in my brain. My mother, married for 39 years, telling ME that it's not a good way to be. Explaining how her similar behavior has caused some distance and separation in their relationship. I couldn't accept this as sage advice. I count it as foolishness.

It's a consequence of being whole.

Admittedly, and I'm sure you probably figured that the reason for my entry is not because everything is peachy-it's because, as usual, I need an outlet so that my head doesn't explode. I'm back to where I started, ended, seem to remain-by myself. But all in all-I just don't think it's a bad place to be. I think my LETTER to "Ex-Boyfriends" will probably remain relevant my whole life. However, today I have to ask myself, if the same thing happens over and over-is it them...or is it...ME. ME??

Is there some merit to this "needing" thing my mother speaks of and I have admitted that I am not good at. But how can I not stand by my sentiment that it is better to be WANTED and not NEEDED? I was asked "What do you have to offer a man" at the beginning of this. And I told him, I have NOTHING to offer a man that needs to be needed...BUT as much as I can love me, that's how much I can love somebody else. As much as I can do for me, that's what I can do for somebody else. And in the ending of it all yesterday, my similar sentiment was I DO LOVE YOU, but I will NEVER love you more than I LOVE ME...if I don't stand up for ME, then who will? I had to also share that I WILL be ok. Am I mad? No...I'm PISSED. Am I sad? No...completely DEVASTATED. Do I have time to be lied to, straight IN MY FACE when I read the facts for myself and have names-dates-times-instances-activities-occurrences-pictures and things HE initiated and participated in permanently engraved in this God-forsaken memory? Not today. Not tomorrow. Not EVER.

It's a consequence of being whole.

I take care of people, that's what I do. And it's what I say over and over. And sometimes, yes, I get tired. Sometimes, I get frustrated-not because I need anyone to take care of me, but sometimes I need some room to breathe so that I can take care of me. I give, I give, and I give what I have and what I can because that is who I am. I thank God for having the right words to say when someone needs to hear them. I thank God for having a spirit about me that people feel comforted when I can be there for them. But I could not take care of any of the people I love physically, emotionally, or spiritually without being a WHOLE person. I do not expect anything in return, because I do not need anything in return. I am abundantly blessed in who I am. I am blessed by the friendships I have. Just because someone doesn't give in the way I do, doesn't mean they aren't giving. Only a whole person understands this.

It is a consequence of being whole.

Maybe because the way my mind works, the mathematical sense of being whole makes more sense to me. I am whole and that works for me. I am a whole number. If I add myself to another that is not whole-the addition of a fraction of a whole number and a whole number is a mixed number. See even in mathematics, it just doesn't sound right. If I add a whole number to a whole number-I get a whole number. If I have to add two fractions of a whole to get ONE whole this still isn't whole because it's a sum of parts. I can't be a whole ONLY with the addition of something else. This might not make sense to you but it makes perfect sense to me. I'm whole...and trying to add myself to anything less than that is just a mixed number...a MESS. It doesn't work.

It is my consequence for being whole.

And as hurt as my feelings are-this situation or any other one I've had to go through doesn't take a part of me. It doesn't take away from my wholeness, it adds TO IT. And the more whole I become, I realize the WHOLE I have to mix with has to be greater too...or maybe, I'm just not for mixing at all. I don't think my happiness is contingent on sharing my life with anybody other than the people I already have in it. I have loved, I believe I have been loved, and I do believe LOVE NEVER FAILS!! So apparent in my reaction to this situation-it was as if nothing much had really happened. But why fall all over myself and the situation? It was lovely while I was in love. And although I can't just fall out of love-that love is something he will never forget I am sure. That love will either teach him how to love or how he wants to be loved. It will show him he deserves love and how he should be loved. I didn't fail, love didn't fail, but it's just not enough. I can't say never, but I can for sure say not right now. I'm not sorry. Unlike the me I was some time ago, I believe that the opportunity to love someone is a blessing. Whether they receive it, appreciate it and/or reciprocate it is irrelevant. Love never fails, it never ends...the fact that you loved will always remain and I won't hold back, I won't give up, I won't be sad-it was wonderful. And I have it to give to someone else who wants it, and if not-I have it for me. The way you can love someone is directly proportionate to how much you love YOU. I'm not sorry. I will not look back. I will not be sad. I will move on as flawlessly today as I do everyday.

It's a consequence of being whole.

There are no questions to be asked. There are no what if's to ponder. There is no waiting period for forgiveness-I forgive him and realize I knew who he was all along and I hope I helped him see who I saw, who I KNOW-but I also realize the person he chooses to be may not be who he wants to be, but I can't change his mind about HIM. I know he can be better than I even know-but I don't see it NOW. Change will come, and I hope when it does he receives all the happiness, peace, and love he so deserves. I didn't foresee this ending, to be completely honest I didn't foresee an ending at all...but, I welcome God's unchanging hand in my life and trust that he knows whats best for me. I don't have any doubts-he will take care of me. Whoever will be will be. Whoever will not be just won't. I'm going to be here-thankful for the trial and claiming it as a testimony. I know how to love me...and in such, I don't need anybody else to do so-there is no greater love than the LOVE I know.

It's a consequence of being whole.

Dear Ex-Boyfriend(s)...

2009-09-17T09:23:00.004-06:00

Dear Ex-Boyfriend(s),

I know you're probably surprised to hear from me. You might have been expecting a giant outburst, hate mail, or something similar-but I'd really like to take this opportunity to Thank You.

Yes, THANK YOU.

As I've taken time to really think back over the time we spent, I really felt compelled to take a moment to let you know that you helped me more than you know. Of course you made me stronger, but let me also add to that wiser. And, after your exit, I realized I am not as crazy as you would have liked me to believe. I am, and have always been, the woman you needed but did not deserve.

First-I'd like to thank you for affirming that my gut instincts and my sixth sense are as keen as I believed. Nevermind the fact that you always stood right in my face and lied-I'll get to that later. Whatever made me check your phone, or your e-mail, or your pockets-that was not because I am jealous, or crazy, or insecure-it's because YOU are not as slick as you think. I can't explain to you the feeling that I got or where it came from. I can just tell you that all things that happen in the darkness will come to the light. I can tell you that God has a way of making you see something you are just not ready to see no matter how painful it is. So Thank you for showing me that my gut instincts are right on target, and the only enemy of my sixth sense is you.

Thank you also for showing me that I am very capable of forgiveness. After all, I forgave you over and over again when in hindsight I don't think you deserved it even once. But let's not rehash old pain. I forgave you and we moved on. Now whether or not I kept bringing up your actions, I still forgave you. I showed myself that I do have the power to forgive. And if I had the strength and patience to forgive you, surely I could do wonders for somebody that actually deserves and will capitolize on a second chance.

I'd like to thank you for all of your false accusations. I might not have ever had the chance to know what it feels like when you accuse somebody for something that they honestly did not do. I might not have known how old it gets to be interrogated for things that happened in your imagination and not in real life. I might not have been able to relate to how old it gets when someone's insecurity shines brighter than any other thing they have to offer. I'm thanking you for this because now I know to just ask a simple question if I have doubts. And if I doubt the answer-I can simply walk away. So this goes hand in hand with the gut instincts you have shown me that I should always trust. Thank you for showing me how ugly insecurity can be and showing me how obvious a guilty conscience is.

Thank you for cheating on me. There is no way I would have ever known that you didn't deserve me had you not just blatantly disrespected me. I know that over and over again I asked what these girls had that I didn't, what you wanted from them that you couldn't get from me, and why you had to go to someone else when you had me. Now I know that this is an impossible question, because no answer you ever would have given could satisfy my heart. There is nothing that these girls had that I didn't-they just had your time and attention for the moment you were with them. They just made you feel like you were "the man" in a moment when you needed more attention because YOU felt like you weren't enough for me. Although your actions were kind of backwards, I thank you-because you were NOT, after all, enough for me. I realize that you wanted to be NEEDED. You just didn't understand my sentiment that NEEDING somebody is a very unhealthy emotion-but WANTING somebody is more powerful. You thought those girls needed you, and then when they didn't WANT you because you only showed them how untrustworthy and how unfaithful you-maybe THEN you realized my point.

Thank you for lying to me. We've already discussed the gut instincts and the sixth sense. And I'm sure the lying came in somewhere with the cheating or the false accusations. You showed me how ugly it is when a lie falls out of someone's mouth. You showed me that lying to someone is basically like standing in somebody's face and saying "I don't love you. I don't respect you. I think you are stupid". And I may have been-but I thank you for giving me the opportunity to realize that stupid is as stupid does, and I would NOT participate with you.

Thank you for hurting me. Had you never hurt me, I might not know how to heal. But because of your deception, or lies, or adulterous ways, or childish ways-whatever it may have been-that hurt allowed me to grow and be bigger than even I knew I could be. I might have been down for a period of time, but being down showed me that I had to get up. And when I got up, I got up WITH the hurt that you gave to me but then I got over it and let that hurt elevate me to a new level. I wouldn't be here looking down on you now had I not been able to get up over it.

Thank you for allowing me to love you. I know somewhere in your mind you may believe that this sentiment still exists. Love can be everlasting, but in our case-it will not last forever. I thank you for this opportunity because whatever I gave you unselfishly, however I loved you-that will always be what I gave to you from the most pure place in my heart. I showed myself that I can love without circumstance and I can keep loving with no barriers. You see, the importance in this is that I didn't lose any love in you. Loving somebody is the greatest thing we can do-and just because you didn't appreciate it doesn't mean that my love didn't mean anything, it didn't lose any power. So, I am elated at the idea that if I could have loved you, imagine the limits that I could surpass in loving somebody who WANTS me to love them the way that I WANT them to love me!!

You have given me so many things-I thought you deserved a Thank you note. Lastly, thank you for the timely exit in my life. It was probably a combination of all these things that led me to leave you or to accept the fact that you left me. Everything that I gave you-I'm proud of that and so very excited to give these things to someone who deserves them and watch them breed and grow.

I always say that the worst thing you can ever do is stop believing that someone can change. So while I thank you for these things that you gave me, I don't hold you accountable for them forever. You can move on too...just not with me. I hope that my unwillingness to talk to you or friend you does not offend you. It's just that if you weren't good for me then, I'm not quite sure how you can be good for me now. And you should want better for yourself than a friend who doubts who you are and what you have to offer. I take responsibility for all the things that I may have done that added to our relationship going sour. I have forgiven myself, and I forgive you.

So-I hope that this Thank You finds you well. I hope that you understand that there is no underlying evil or maliciousness in this letter to you. You helped me find a part of me that I might not have been able to find, but I assure you that if you could not handle me then-don't even try to deal with me now. You can go on. I hope that you find a woman that is everything you WANT and I wish you all the best. I can't look back because I'm moving onward and upward so fast I might miss something that awaits me that is AHEAD of me, that is FOR me. I hope you are thankful for the time you had the opportunity to be in my life. I am thankful for the lessons I learned, but I see no need to repeat past lessons when I have graduated to a new level.

So, thank you.

Good-bye...Forever.

Racism lives!!

2009-09-10T11:36:00.002-06:00

For my thoughts about the reactions, actions and nonsense of this week-you can view THE Friend's blog:
http://whatyouneedtobetold.blogspot.com

I really urge all of you to support the President and this Healthcare reform by calling your congressman. Let your voice be heard! It is so important!
http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/health-care-action-center/

Also, I will be contacting my son's superintendent and asking for the exact reason for having to sign a permission slip to let my son watch President Obama's speech. This is an outrage. Don't sit down on this opportunity to be heard. The message being sent to our children is unbelievable.

Whether you agree or disagree, I'm quite sure that none of us want our children to grow up in a society where they are told and SHOWN it is okay to disregard authority. Contact your school and see if your concerns should be addressed to the superintendent, school board, accountability committee's or advisory boards. Write an open letter to your newspaper. Do SOMETHING. Change is HERE. Let's make sure it stays.

He's Just Not That into Me

2009-09-02T11:06:00.003-06:00

So-I have done the girl thing.

I have wondered what could happen.

I have wondered where things are going.

I have played out different scenarios in my head.

I have daydreamed, dreamed, hoped-all that silly girl stuff. Things I don't normally do-I guess because I was a little smitten. I was hopeful because I had met somebody new that didn't offer the same old and tired bull. I was kind of taken.

I prayed for a sign, for an answer, for some kind of insight to what the future would or could be...

So we met here and there, we've talked, we've shared ideas of what could have happened or what could be...

I feel like I've done my part, shown what my intentions are and could be...

I've made offers, extended welcomes, given opportunities...

I've tried to keep him involved, keep him informed, keep him at the top of my "attention to" list...

And what have I gotten?

Not much. Words with no actions. Actions with no words. But never given any promises-so I can't say that any were broken.

Did I do too much? Did I not do enough? Am I too damaged to give it a good effort?

So as I take back over myself, as I look back on what happened...again I'm thankful for the presentation of people in my life to show me what I could have, what I do deserve, what it could be...

But in this instance-as much as I hate to admit-I have to just say:

He's Just not that into me.

If he was-I would have known it by now.

We live and we learn-and even if we don't...

Life goes on.

Why Are You Talking to Me?

2009-09-02T10:56:00.003-06:00

"I hate black people"

Unfortunately, this was the statement made to my 9-year old during recess yesterday. To which he replied, "Then why are you talking to me?!"

I thought his response was great. I talked it over with him. I thought we were done with it...and then I caught him deep in thought later in the evening. I asked what was wrong, he replied nothing. I asked what he was thinking about-and the tears started falling.

It frustrates me to no end when I don't have an answer for his queries. It makes me sick to my stomach that he had to go through this and it made me feel like a failure because even through everything I told him, I KNOW it doesn't take the pain away.

So in this situation, I have to hope that he believes that everything he knows and has been told about God is true. I have to trust that telling him that God had this planned out for him will lead him to be grateful and not angry. I have to believe that that he will turn that pain into the RIGHT energy to feed the RIGHT things. I hope that he can follow through on our conversation of forgiveness and where it comes from and WHY we forgive in the first place. And then to look him squarely in the eye and tell him that this was not the first and probably won't be the last-so hard.

I do however think his reply was priceless...if you hate me, then why ARE you talking to me?

Good for him.

We work twice as hard, so we are twice as good.

I know he is being made strong...I just hope I have given him the proper tools to allow his spirit to take that journey.

The Happy Birthday turned Anniversary...for me!

2009-08-27T14:24:00.002-06:00

I wonder if when I'm not SO stressed about what seems to be EVERYTHING if things occur to me as often as they have lately. Mostly things I tolerated that I never should have, people I entertained that aren't entertaining, things I did that I should slap myself for...

I woke up to a text this morning inviting me to celebrate Mr. Lollipop's (an old "acquaintance" from way back) birthday with drinks downtown. I rarely forget ANYTHING, but I realized I didn't remember his birthday because he just doesn't matter anymore. So, the text was sent at about 11 pm the night before so my assumption is that he sent it looking for an obligatory "Happy Birthday" reply. Well, thank the Lord my phone went dead and I didn't get that text until this morning. I'm glad he had to wait around on me for once-Lord knows I spent a year of my life way back when waiting for him to just SEE me. Oh, how desperate!!

Again, I have to step up into the spotlight of shame for my behavior since the breakup. At one time, after the breakup with the EX (he doesn't deserve name recognition anymore-he doesn't even deserve one keystroke from these fingers, I'm being generous and giving him two), I did let Mr. Lollipop come back around. The physical? Two thumbs up all around. Life? FAIL. EPIC FAIL. No need to rehash the past-but this dude should have never gotten a second of my time. But the light skin, pointy nose, nice body strikes again. I put up with unnecessary and completely foolish drama for about a year until a fateful trip, a Happy birthday song, and my revelation on the plane ride home to him that I was "DONE". And that was that.

WHY DIDN'T I LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE.

Walking today, I realized that half these dudes I still stay in what I think is friendly communication needs to just stop. There's no sex, there's no nothing really-but these are people I don't even need in my life. How do they make my life better? They don't-I was the one that gave them a glimpse of hope. I was the one that gave HIM in particular a vision of what his life COULD be like-all that fool had to do was stop lying.

One time my son said "You don't take stuff from anybody, why do you let my dad say whatever he wants to you?" Now, there's a different reason for that-but his concept stuck with me. In general, I hate bullcrap. So why do I always overlook the signs of a BS Hoarder and let them in my life? No WONDER I'm okay being by myself-it's the obvious and preferred alternative to what I normally choose.

So, today I realized that while I do enjoy ME, life wouldn't be SO bad with someone to share it with that was WORTH IT. Don't know if I've met him yet or not...and I'm still not looking. He's going to have to know he's the right one and slap me into it, cause I don't have the energy for that right now.

So, to Mr. Lollipop-Happy Birthday. Glad to say I gave you one of the best ever-but we will never celebrate another one again. But, it is also a Happy Anniversary to me. Celebrating the time in my life when I realized there wasn't anything wrong with me, but everything wrong with you and to a certain point moved on. Anniversary's get better with time right? So by this time next year, I hope to be able to say the last time I heard from you was yesterday when you were begging for a birthday wish.

Happy Anniversary to me...screw your birthday.

You Haven't Changed My Life...You Just Wish You Had

2009-08-24T10:52:00.003-06:00

Sometimes, the most horrible thing you will ever see is when you truly open your eyes and examine yourself. Realizing that 100% of what you go through is based on 100% of the choices you make is most of the time a reality you don't want to accept.

"In life you must only do two things. You must make choices and you must die. But for every choice you make there is a consequence" Author Unknown

This quote was in my english classroom when I was in 8th grade. It made no sense to me then, but that is the black and white. Fortunately, we get an opportunity to make these choices over and over and over again. Making the same WRONG choice is just what we...hell maybe I...do too often.

I have A LOT of things going on right now. Being pulled every which way, stress weighing down HEAVY-but I've just been looking at in the face trying not to panic and just knowing that God is working it all out. So, being able to hand over the REAL burdens in my life is a great testament to how far I've come. But it has also had me focused on the things I don't ever really bother going to God with.

Relationships.
Sigh.
Listen-I don't pray to God for a man, I don't pray to God for companionship...I don't pray for things like that. Nothing against people who do...but I got real life shyt that I need God to handle for me. This is not a pressing matter in my mind. Everytime I hear somebody telling somebody else to "ask" God for exactly what you want-I think that is completely stupid. However, I realize that I am still working on ME...so I need God to fix ME. I'm not worried about anybody else's fixing. I try to just keep an open mind and not block my own blessings when it comes to these type things. Obviously-I don't have great taste in men. Obviously.

Over and over and over again, I deal with men that are not up what my standard SHOULD be. I'm not ever surprised when they disappoint-I can't even really call it disappointment because it's almost expected. So I have to ask myself, and I haven't been asking myself often enough, WHY EVEN DEAL WITH THESE LAMES??! I don't know...I have a weakness for a great smile, and having the upper hand. The latter, I don't claim lightly-it's just something I've come to realize. It's just the truth. For a long, long time, I said that it is not important to me that a man be on the same level financially, educationally, spiritually etc. As long as he knew who he was and had a goal-I was ok with that. I didn't want to be the type of person that passed up a good man just because he didn't have the greatest job or wasn't in the greatest situation. I guess I always give people the benefit of the doubt to a certain point-but honestly-that needs to stop. I don't talk about how many degrees I have, I don't talk about what's in my bank account, I don't push my religious ideas and morals on somebody else. I used to just listen and decide whether they were passionate about life, in general a good person, and let that just ride. I would always wonder why and how somewhere down the line I started hearing things like "I'm not on your level", "I'm not settled like you", "I don't have it like you" because I would never bring these things up. Well, how in the blue hell did I expect any MAN not taking care of his MANLY business to fare well next to an educated, settled, strong WOMAN?

I am too smart to be this stupid, I swear.

Where is this coming from?

Well, awhile back I met a guy at my favorite hangout. Handsome? OF course...this is what leads me to hand out all the passes in the first place. I think I really am like a dude most of the time. I don't really care what a dude is talking about as long as he's going to give me what I want. I'll smile, nod, and even pretend to be interested...just get me to my happy place and it's all good.

Honesty is ugly sometimes, right?

So, we chit chat and he proceeds to tell me he is married.

This is the part where I should have departed. Nope.
BAD CHOICE #1,999, 999, 999, 834, 829, 123

He said "it's complicated". I told him right THEN that I didn't want to hear about his personal business. Here's the thing-you can tell when a married man is open to other options. IF I EVER got married, there are some things I would never deny my husband and certain ways I would never treat him-because while those women are at home thinking they taught their husband a lesson-there's a woman SOMEWHERE who intends to let their husband's know they don't have to put up with that and are willing to offer the same things. I know, because more than once I've been one of them.

Honesty-you can frown, but it is what it is.

Nothing ever really happened between me and this dude. Mostly, because him and his wife did indeed have a "situation", but he is visible hurt and still in love with his wife. So, most of our conversations were about what she did and how fed up he was. This dude is not a cheater, even though he thinks he is. He's a miserably unhappy person, and I just can not get with that.

So...I believe we had our last conversation on Saturday night. I will just transcribe word for word here.

Him: Hey you
Me: What?
Him: U busy
Me: Watching TV with my guy
Him: Oh ok...so what did ya'll do today
Me: Golfed, swam, rafted...I am exhausted.
Him: LOL that's cool
Him: I'm goin back home soon
Me: To LA?
Him: Yep
Me: Just you?
Him: Yep goin to go file for divorce at the courthouse
Me: Oh. To stay?
Him: Idk yet
Him: If I can get a car and a job I'll stay out here. Its cheap here too expensive back home I can't afford to stay at home
Me: Wow
Him: Her mom is here to visit and we was talkin outside and she told me that I'm a good father and didn't realize I did so much around the house
Him: She can't believe how lazy her daughter is she didn't raise her that way
Me: She acts that way because she can.
Him: Yep and her mom is kinda pissed off but she doesn't want to get involved
Me: Um...she shouldn't. Her daughter is grown.
Him: That's what she said
Him: If I don't do anything around the house it don't get done
Me: So then you do it eventually right? What do you think she's going to do when you are gone?
Him: Her momma has cleaned up more than she has since we moved here and her momma has only been here a week
Him: She has no choice but to do it
Him: She talks to her mom any kinda way
Me: Ok...well then that "I didn't raise her like that" line is bullshit. She tried to show her but didn't MAKE her do anything. I would die is my mom cleaned in MY house.
Me: You think that just started? I doubt it.
Him: Me too
Him: That's why her and my mom don't get along my mom was taking lip from her
Me: Your mom? She talked to YOUR mom crazy??
Him: She tried one day and that day I was about to knock her out
Him: I wish I can file here
Him: Would you miss me if I didn't come back
Me: Um...my life is not going to change if you are here or not. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just saying. It shouldn't matter anyway. You're not happy so you should do what you have to do rectify that.
Him: OK Well would like to c me stay if I was happy
Me: Again. Not life changing. Wouldn't you just like to be happy PERIOD?
Him: U tell it like it is huh?
Me: There isn't any other way. Aren't you tired of bullshit yet?
Him: Yep
Him: How did you get over J.J.
Me: Loaded question...but I wasn't about to stay with someone who didn't care about my well being...I got fed up. I forgave him, accepted responsibility for enabling him to act the way he did, took responsibility for where I was wrong, and moved on with my life. Being miserable is a choice.
Him: Ur rite so I guess you can say I'm the one to blame for allowing this shit to go on
Me: You will drive yourself crazy placing and taking blame. You both have probably been wrong a lot...you wouldn't be where you are now if that weren't true
Him: True
Him: Thank you for the talk

Yes...this crap really happens to me.

Honestly, I don't care who is at fault. Him or his wife-they are miserable people that like to be miserable.

No more married men. I have, unfortunately, said it before-but I'm not quite sure why-being who I am...I'm willing to accept a #2 spot.
Ridiculous.

So...while GOD deals with my real life problems, I think I can handle this on my own. A man is going to have to be in my tax bracket, on my spiritual enrichment plan, and able to comprehend what I do for a living. Why my standards aren't higher...I'm going to stop dwelling on it.

Onward and upward.

If I make it through this week...

Wait...let me thank the Lord NOW for the will, strength, and patience for making it through this week.

Who are you?

2009-08-19T16:21:00.002-06:00

WHO ARE YOU?

The one with the lines I've heard
a million times
That might just be a little straighter
than the usual kind.

WHO ARE YOU?

The one with the eyes that smile
behind the stare
The one with eyes that glaze over
in front of the glare.

WHO ARE YOU?

That laugh is so full, but
full of joy?
The happiness so perfect
Or is it a sick ploy??

WHO ARE YOU?

The things you say
all seem right
But are you just talking
Til day turns to night?

WHO ARE YOU?

You know I've heard
this all before
The normal "I'm giving you less
but I'll talk like it's more".

WHO ARE YOU?

I know who I am
Why do you seem surprised?
Is it because I see through
your sorry disguise?

WHO ARE YOU?

Do you honestly think these
things I need to hear??
All this flattery is tired
Your end time is near.

WHO ARE YOU?

Might you actually have
some semblance of sense?
Might you actually be
worthy of MY presence?

WHO ARE YOU?

Do you mean what you say
and say what you mean?
Are you talking, hearing, and
not just being seen?

WHO ARE YOU?

Do you actually KNOW who
you are dealing with?
Is the level I'm on a reality to you
And not just wish?

WHO ARE YOU?

Might you actually be worth
my time and attention??
Might you actually be worth
a first name mention?

WHO ARE YOU?

It seems I have too many
questions to ask
Shouldn't the answers have been
clear in the facts?

WHO ARE YOU?

How come I don't know
who you are?
Upset cause I don't care
that you drive a nice car?

WHO ARE YOU?

Why are the things you focus
on so worthless to me?
Is it possible that you are in
fact worth less than you think?

WHO ARE YOU?

Fooled again by a nice,
big pretty smile?
Doesn't this rejection get
old after awhile??

WHO ARE YOU?

And why did you think
you qualified for ME.
Are you looking for a woman
or girl with mentality equal to 3.

WHO AM I?

Oh, let me answer this
question for you.
The woman with a purpose
with no time for fools.

WHO AM I?

Plain to see, I think-
not hard to read.
You see correctly, the grass
on this side is green.

WHO AM I?

If you have to ask, I'm
not sure I want to tell
You can't handle this brain
Can't comprehend too well

WHO AM I?

Just walk down and wonder
it's for the best.
Dream about the real women
Go play with the rest.

WHO AM I?

A question to be posed when
the following is true:
You can answer when I ask-
WHO ARE YOU??

SLAP

2009-08-19T15:10:00.001-06:00

I received this in an e-mail today...I can not add or discuss. Still wiping the egg off of my face.

Posted here to slap you in yours!

THE RIGHT ONE
First we must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking. And
second, the decision for a mate must be made on a spiritual and intellectual
basis before it's made on an emotional one."What about love? Shouldn't that be
the third? you ask. No, and I'll tell you why. "The heart is deceitful above all
things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9).The heart is
willful and is driven by its own agenda. It does not consider things rationally
and intelligently it just loves to love! Therefore you have to point it in the
right direction: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well spring of
life" (Proverbs 4:23)!Whenever you meet a man, you need to get clearance from
God, check out his attributes, and then allow your heart to engage.Dating exists
not for mating; it exists for collecting data. I believe that the biblical
design would be friendship, courtship and then marriage.Friendship is two people
walking together in agreement and accountability, learning and growing
together.Courtship follows the mutual agreement to commit to one another
exclusively - it is the decisive turning toward the agreed-upon goal of the
marriage altar. It is a period of laying a foundation and preparing your life
together after marriage.But dating? Well, if you do date, use the time wisely to
gather these facts.1. Check out the fabric. Is the person mate material? Does
this man have an intimate relationship with the Father through Jesus Christ?
Does he care what God thinks about his behavior? Is he accountable to God as
well as another co-laborer in the faith? Accountability is an important factor.
It is imperative to maintaining a committed relationship. Is your potential
spouse a member of the same family - the family of God?You need to have common
interests and values and agree on the essentials of living day to day. You have
a similar spiritual walk. You eat the same spiritual diet. You enjoy a lot of
similar things. You have like interests, like goals in life, like opinions on
basic life issues.You have had like experiences in your background. Though there
is some truth to the idiom that opposites attract, like-minded folks fare better
together.Furthermore, does he want to get married? If you want to be married and
your dreamboat isn't interested, don't waste your time.Remember, women fall in
love and get married. Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note
the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious,
take his words seriously. If he's not going in your direction, get off the bus
and wait for the right one.2. Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The
man who is right for you will pursue you, and God's hand in the relationship
will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends.Scripture says: "He who
finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Proverbs
18:22).Note -who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time,
God has transported men and women across the world in order to put them
together.
At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that man on the scene and
he will find you. In God's perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his
mate. Adam has no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib. You do not
need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don't have to help a guy out
because he's shy!Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly
want. The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in
his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he
is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not
interested.Many a woman's mother has suggested that it is a good idea to marry a
man who loves you more than you love him. As cold as that sounds, it actually
might be scriptural if you stop to think about it: "We love him because he first
loved us" (1 John 4:19). Until then, take the ultimate chill pill. You don't
need a bunch of men in your life to make you feel all right about yourself.You
need only one man - your man, the one God has selected to select you. And trust
me, the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any
time. So trust God's timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit
pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again - WAIT until the man voices his
intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may
have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of
the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you - this is your first act
of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us
first. And they should lead the relationship .3. The man in your life should not
desire to move into your house, only into your heart . A man who prepares for
your future has made his intentions clear. A man who is husband material has the
means to take care of a wife. He is a responsible human being who understands he
needs to have something to offer. In short, a man should have the means to be a
suitable lover for you.4. Check out his buddies. Everyone knows birds of the
same feather flock together, yet most women fail to see the connection between a
man and his friends. A man's pals tell you a lot about the person that you
haven't seen yet. They reveal things about the guy's character that might be
hidden when he is on good behavior. Everyone knows how to put his best foot
forward. Don't stay focused on the foot, check out the rest of the body!5. Check
out his relationship with his mother. How does he treat her? This is your
preview of how he will treat you. There are lots of men who, because of a
negative relationship with their mothers, really don't like women, yet say they
do. Unresolved issues between mother and son continue between husband and
wife.6. Remember that a man's family reveals the cloth from which he's cut. Take
note and decide whether you want your future with the man in your life to look
like his present family situation.7. Check out the patterns of his life. Do you
see repeated cycles of drama in his personal kingdom? Broken relationships?
Problems in making commitments --including the job market? Mood swings? Is a
problem always someone else's fault? Does he embrace responsibility or shirk it?
Does he keep his promises? Is he a man of good reputation? Remember all garments
look wonderful hanging in the store, but with wear, some begin to unravel. Give
yourself time and space to check out the man in your life. Time will always
reveal whether or not he is made of the right stuff.8. Does this man have a
vision for his life? Is he running with that vision? Remember, God decided Adam
needed help once Adam got busy DOING his assignment. As we saw Adam, a man
doesn't need help until he is busy doing what he was created and called to do.
Is the man in your life guided by sense of destiny and purpose, or does he just
allow life to happen around him? A man who is not certain of his mission can be
a most miserable person - and you'll be miserable too if you know where YOU want
to go in life.A man who has vision is not intimidated by a woman whose mission
statement is clear. He will be your best ally, cheerleader and assistant because
he wants you both to make it! A man who cannot be supportive of your
achievements because he is floundering in a sea of uncertainty over his own life
is not a healthy partner to have and to hold forever.Creating dependencies or
feelings of obligation is not the way to get the best out of your man. Somewhere
along the way, he will resent you and flee from the smothering burden of
obligation he associates you with. You want a man who is firmly anchored in his
identity in Christ. Remember, we are looking for a man who will be priest and
leader of his home. His first instinct should be to want to cover you, redeem
you, and provide for you. Your job is to decide if this is the man God has
ordained for you to complement.9. Complimentary. Do your talents and gifts
complement his? Do his gifts, compliment yours? What about your temperaments? Do
you see the two of you as an effective team capable of bringing blessing to the
lives of those around you? Do your futures mesh? Can you coordinate your gifts
in an attractive and effective way?This is why knowing your purpose is so
important. Make sure your hearts beat for mutual causes. When I go shopping I
always consider the fabric, the fit and what I already have in my closet. Will
my next purchase be a complimentary addition to what I already have? If I find
that I am going to have to buy shoes and matching accessories to go with a new
outfit, I leave it right on the rack. It is too expensive a proposition. If the
man you meet makes you feel that you need to completely reinvent yourself,
something is wrong.This is where I ask you to consider the relationship in terms
of cost. Is this relationship expensive spiritually, emotional or physically?
Does your longing for a mate make you willing to forfeit who you are in the
process? Or does he see you as the gift that you are? The man in your life
should consider you a rare find, a priceless jewel-because of you he is getting
ready to get blessed big-time! Any relationship that causes you to feel
unworthy, unlovely, unacceptable, undesirable or that you have to work for love,
is too expensive!God has called the man to cover, protect and provide not only
materially for a woman, but emotionally and spiritually as well. You should be
richer in mind, body and spirit for your union with the man of your dreams. The
man in your life should make rich deposits into your heart and spirit, not
withdrawals .10. Does he have a healthy love and acceptance of himself? Make
sure the man in your life has taken time to heal from past relationships and has
made peace with himself. How he cares for himself is how he will care for you. A
man's relationship with God is crucial here. His love for himself will only be
as strong as his love for God. This is not something that you can impart. You
cannot be his savior or teacher. That is out of spiritual order. In his rightful
place as your personal priest, he should be leading you to a richer relationship
with Christ.If he is causing you to compromise your faith and destabilize your
walk, if he is leading you into sexual sin or causing you to be distracted from
your commitment to God, the relationship is too expensive. Offending the Lover
of your soul, who promises you eternal love, is too high a fare to pay for a
ride that has a limited run. If you and your man can't soar in the Spirit, when
the force of your love for another is tested by the pull or gravity of the
world, your union will not be able to survive.So you decide. How much is your
life worth? How much is your love worth? You will be able to accept only what
you believe you deserve. God himself calculated the worth of your love and
decided it was worth His life. He now pledges you His love for eternity. Yes,
Jesus sets the example for all others to follow when He paid a ransom for His
bride. Should you expect less from a mortal man? Throughout the Biblical age,
men were willing to pay the cost for what they truly desired. The truth of the
matter is everyone knows that anything worth having, costs and no one gets a
ride in this life for free.Our prayer:Dear Heavenly Father God,I confess that I
have not always been as careful as I should've been with my heart. From time to
time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my heart in the wrong hands. I
now commit my heart into Your hands for safekeeping. Please help me to stop
being so impulsive with what you deem so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your
love for me, let me learn from Your example what a bridegroom should really be
like. Help me to never settle for less than what you desire for me. As I embrace
You as the Lover of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart.
As I rest in Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach
me.
I ask that You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You
know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from
all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me
to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize
him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to typecast the men I
meet according to what I see. Help me to trust in Your knowledge and lean not on
my own understanding. I know that you know what is best for me; therefore I
yield to Your choice. In Jesus' Name. Amen.Ladies this is something you should
definitely share with a friend, whether you are single or married... It is
something to think about, when you ask is "He" the one!

The Death of the Hater...

2009-08-18T14:37:00.006-06:00

At the request of a very dear friend, we are going to have to put to death the term "HATER" and more specifically the saying "Let your haters be your motivators".

I concur...

Let's discuss...

If you are a person that can not stand to see other people do well and try to degrade them in any way possible and find some negativity in what they are doing-this used to be called hating.

Let's be real. You actually are not a hater! You are a pilgrim. Because in all actuality, what you have done is settled for the circumstances in your life. You have decided that instead of trying to get out of your settlement, you'll just make everything seem as pitiful as you. So hater has been retired-but no worries-you CAN MOVE off of Plymouth Rock!!

If you are a person that thinks that every man/woman isn't about anything and thus you find faults in all the men/women that the people around you have in their lives and point out all the bad things and REFUSE to celebrate the good things-this used to be called hating.

CONGRATS AGAIN! You are NOT a hater-you are lonely. Point. Blank. Period. Katt Williams said it best..."You need to find out what it is about YOU". I am 99.9% sure that the men/women in your life have very many things in common and the most common denominator is YOU. Why can I call you on this? Cause I have a knack for giving out passes to men that don't even deserve a spot on ANY team. I'm not judging you-all I'm saying is it might be time to start looking for something different. It might be time to stop thinking that nobody has anything to tell you and listen to them. It might be time to step out of your comfort zone and realize what you thought was good for you isn't good for anybody. If all your friends think every man/woman you bring around isn't good enough for you-they aren't judgmental. You are not judgmental ENOUGH.
Loneliness is not a permanent status-but it can be a permanent mentality-which will lead to a permanent status if you don't CHANGE that mentality.

And please note-I am practicing what I preach!

If you are a person that thinks that everybody you see is too fat, too skinny, too ugly, too tall, too short, not fashionable enough, not perky enough, too perky, etc. etc. etc. and you can NEVER find anything nice to say...this could be called Hater activity.

Truth of the matter is, you are not quick witted, you don't have a good sense of humor, you aren't funny...you are insecure. If there is never anything nice to be said about ANYBODY else-chances are you can't bear the reflection in your mirror. Don't get me wrong, we all have pointed a finger and laughed and giggled...but a lot of us can look at someone and say "WOW, HE/SHE has it going on!" If you can't do that...you're not a hater. You're insecure. And chances are, you are old enough to fix whatever it is about you that you don't like. Insecurity is not permanent, ugliness is. But there's makeup for the outside kind...the inside kind takes a spiritual makeover.

Now, for those of you "letting your haters be your motivators"...this is fine as long as you aren't saying it 100,000 times a day! As a matter of fact, if you've said it more than once this week-chances are they don't motivate you at all-they have you perplexed as to why they hate you in the first place. See definitions of lonely, insecure, and pilgrim above.

So let's stop calling each other "HATERS" and let's call it how it is. Chances are, nobody cares enough to hate you. The things that people see in you are only things that they first recognized in themself. We all just aren't honest enough to admit that.

When someone is negative about everything...I can call it out because I used to find it hard to find anything good about my life.

Thank God for grace.

When someone is complaining about relationship issues...I recognize that loneliness because I'll be the first one to tell you I have relationship/commitment/attachment ISSUES. I just don't let it control me as much as it used to.

I'm still working on me.

When someone can't see the beauty in someone else...I recognize that insecurity because I battled mine for years-I just didn't let those thoughts come out my mouth. I recognize it because I was successful in being able to cover up my insecurities with the other confidences I had in myself and realized that those were the things people always put down. And I realize they "hated" it in me, because they wanted it for themselves.

There is room for plenty of fabulous people.

At the end of the day-what people say about you shouldn't affect you unless you question the same things. In that case-pose the question and find a solution to your problem. Just because a million people think you are worth a million bucks doesn't mean you have a cent in the bank account of YOU.

So, death to the "HATER".

Look in the mirror and value YOU. What you see in other people that you don't like...how does your opinion change their life? And if deep down you have to open your mouth to say something bad about someone else to make yourself feel better...just try to be a better you. Forgive yourself, if you don't-nobody else can. Love yourself-if you don't-nobody else can. Nobody can love you any more than you love yourself. So, I know ya'll love me A LOT! Don't NOBODY love Monica more than Monica, except for Christ himself and thank God for his love, grace, AND mercy!! When you realize how much God loves you in SPITE of who you are, how can you not give him reverence in doing the same.

The world is a very big place...I can't be fabulous by myself and I am surely flawed. There's plenty of room for everybody that wants to enjoy the ride instead of complaining that your seatbelt is too tight!

Dedicated to the "YOU"s that know who they are. I love you guys!

Blame it on the rain...or the fool that got you here

2009-08-12T11:39:00.003-06:00

I have been trying to get my head around all the thoughts in my head and put them down in some type of cohesive matter, but that isn't going to happen. You may not be able to follow-these are the thoughts in my head and I'm just going to put them down as they come up. Good luck! :-)

Settling is for pilgrims, we've been through this right? Does God put people around you that went through the same things you have been through to show you how damn stupid you were? Or does he do it so you can really reflect on how many people tried to tell you to do something and you didn't listen? So many educated, beautiful, strong women around me settling for some straight up BULL. I mean I am SO guilty of listening to someone's bull, knowing it was bull, but giving the benefit of the doubt anyway-but I just can't hardly bear to watch it as a spectator. And personally, I have been looking at myself and wondering WHY did I put up with the bull I did. Recently, I have reconnected with a couple of ex-acquaintances and if it was possible to whoop my own ass, I certainly would.

I mean honestly, Did I really, REALLY send a box of what nots to Iraq EVERY week? Hoping and praying for a safe return, and secretly hoping me and this married fool could be together?
Yes I did.

Did I REALLY forgive him when he came back from Iraq and moved in across the street from an adopted big sister of mine WITH another chick, and STILL let this man have his way with me?
Guilty as charged.

Did this fool really come into town, not speak three words to me, and now pretending like shit is fine? YES HE DID. Why? Because that's that shit that they call bull that I would have put up with before. That's the treatment that I put up with for years as acceptable as LONG as I got a few minutes with his body.

Pitiful. Completely fucking desperate and pitiful.

AND...did I really start talking to a dude that could make me laugh cause he could make me laugh? NO job, NO career, CRIMINAL RECORD, NO damn hope for making it day to day except for the clothes I put on his back, the shoes I put on his feet, the money I put in his pocket... because he had a big dick and was funny.

Oh, yeah. Guilty AGAIN.

And I really started talking to this fool again? Did he say he wanted to get on boyfriend status? And THANK GOD for divine intervention when this fool sent me a text message talking about "I have enough gas to get down to your house, but not enough to get back-so I can take a raincheck or...?" OR WHAT? Or Monica can get her head out of her ass and realize that you are the same sorry-ass, punk-ass, broke-ass negro that you were before-but at least you're funny.

I really have outdone myself.

WHY, OH WHY on earth was I entertaining a depressed ass married man whose wife told him that the dog was more important than him? If she feels that way, what the hell am I listening for. Take your broken ass heart and try to get in good with the dog. At least if the dog likes you, you might have a chance to stick around.

OH YES...see, I have ROOM to talk. I have experienced ENOUGH to spot a no-good, no-good-intentions having negro. I can sniff them out. Hell, I've started thinking anybody I'm attracted to I should stay away from because I'm an equal opportunity sorry ass negro employing bitch. APPLY HERE, APPLY HERE, ALL ENTRIES WELCOME. I am so disgusted.

So my advice to my fellow women...If I say a negro ain't no good...run FAST. I apparently can't pick out the mildly sorry ones...but if I can pick out a sorry man-you better get gone because if he doesn't meet MY standards his ass is pitiful.

UGH...

Why doesn't money grow on trees? Why is it that I make ten times more than I ever have, but I'm mor broke than I've ever been? I guess I'll thank God for having problems like financing houses and things.

UGH...

And because of those sorry ass men I gave passes to, is it now true that I have someone standing in front of me...with all the right intentions, with all the right things to say, with the right things going on in life, and because I am so exhausted from putting in work to negro's that didn't deserve an ounce of my attention-now I don't WANT to put in the work to even trying to make this work? Am I trying to self destruct and find reasons why it won't work? Am I relating this to my last relationship because I don't want to end up hurt the same way or because it IS actually the same thing? Is it the same because I picked wrong again, or is it the same because now God is trying to show me what's right? Has he not contacted me as much because he's busy? Is it because he realizes he's not as interested? Or is it because he can sense that I'm trying to throw his ass out before he even really steps foot into the door? Is it true that I'm not even considering my right now feelings, but choosing to remember the way I FELT when I had everything then nothing? Is it possible that I can see so easily how I could love him, but won't let myself get any closer to that emotion?

All true. Guilty...of all of it.

God will work it all out. He knows the outcome, he knows the answer, he knows my questions, he will give me my answers and all he wants me to do is believe.

All I want to do is run.

All he wants me to do is be still.

All I want is for my mind to be still.

All he wants me to do is believe.

All I want to believe is that I know what's best for me.

All he wants me to know is he knows what's best for me.

All I want him to know is that I'd like an e-mail, a certified letter, or an announcement from heaven to know what that is.

I'm just saying.

UGH.

Dear ________,

2009-07-27T09:55:00.003-06:00

Sometimes, it's not even worth it to expend the energy on someone to tell them how you really feel. But what better place to do it than here. Understand, there are not really any hard feelings or pent up frustrations-it just came to me in a moment when someone I don't give two pieces of a care about was trying to justify their actions on something I don't even care about anymore.

So to all my "blanks"...you don't even deserve name recognition-but hey-you get a shout out in my blog anyway!

Dear ____,
You are an asshole. When you get lonely in the desert, find a friend that cares only about what you look like and nothing of how you actually feel. When you get lonely in real life and realize that there was somebody willing to put your needs first-just hang my picture up. That's all the access you will ever have to me again.

Thanks for your timely exit.
Happy Travels.

Dear ____,
It amuses me to no end that I know you are walking around on this planet thinking that you ruined my life, and/or that I am torn to pieces. I'd like to happily report that your pitiful existence was the best spot removal process I have ever performed on my life. I hope the ratings go up in the soap opera life you live. If nothing else, at least the soundtrack will be great.

Thanks for the big crescendo at the end.
CUT!

Dear ____,
If all the things you ever said were true, I believe I would probably shit gumballs and drink from the strawberry soda fountains floating in the air. I'm sorry I ever led you to believe I actually did believe your bull. It wasn't nice of me, and for that I apologize. In nine years, hopefully I will get to forget that you breathe-but until then, I'll keep it kosher. Take care.

In your free time, maybe you could figure out a way to be a full time person and only a part-time failure.
TOUCHDOWN!

Dear ____,

If nothing else, I'm glad to know that you did at one time have a good friend. I hope you find another. I hope you find a hobby, a purpose, a backbone, and at some point, YOURSELF. If I ever become a user, hopefully I can find someone like you that gives without any requirements for giving back.

You actually are a great person. I just hope you realize you're worth more than the bullshit you don't even ask to get paid for.

Dear ____,
In my darkest hour, on my worst day, in my last second...you will still not be 1/1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000th of the woman that I am. Stop trying.
Thanks for playing, though.

Dear ____,
If I pretend like you don't exist, will you disappear? You know how every once in awhile a normal person gets the chance to entertain a star? That's what happened to you. Your 15 minutes are way overdue-don't you have a life to pretend like you have?
COFFEE BREAK!

Dear ____,
You are a fine piece of meat, yes you are. But if I had to work with what you got-I'd leave your ass too. Your wife isn't a bitch-she's a damn patient woman, or a lesbian since she's basically bumping uglies with you.
ATTENTION PENIS...the rest of the body is at 33 yrs old...please catch up from 3 months!
Are you sure those kids are yours?

Dear ____,
Listen, I see through your tiny little disposition. You are a hater, tried and true, and I know what you really got going on. If I was jumping off with everyone that I could, I'd be insecure about my marriage, life, self, and everything else too. You can hate on me if it makes you feel better about the things that you do. But uh, I'm not married, not desperate, not ugly, not confused about who I am...so this might be a frustrating task for you.

Dear Reader,

Please don't think that I hate any one of these people. They have showed me things in themselves that I want to be sure I never take on for myself. They have showed me how ugly things can get when you are any one of these people, and I am so thankful for the lessons that they have shared by example. They can all change, they can all do better, they can all be better. But until they get there-they can't ever say they didn't get a shout out for the time period that they sucked at life!!

The American Dream

2009-07-22T11:12:00.005-06:00

The American Dream
used to be
SUCCESS
through hard work
WEALTH
through working hard
FAME
by doing something
Worth being known
for.

The Golden rule
used to mean
Do unto others as
YOU
would have
THEM
Do unto
YOU
Respect of self
and one
another.

Happiness did at one
time equal
just being
HAPPY
with out strings
ATTACHED
to the
CONDITION
of being
HAPPY
because we didn't
need things for
happiness.

LOVE was at one
time the
act of actually
LOVING
without
STATUS
without
CONDITION
without
LOVING
first who one
is but what
they have in their
heart.

SADNESS once was
a time
for you to see
WHO
was there
HOW
to heal
WHO
had you
when you got
to a point so
low.

Friendship used
to include
those who were
FRIENDS
at all
TIMES
in all
SITUATIONS
for all
OCCASIONS
in all that
you did you
were never
alone.

Time has deemed
that all things
that used to
BE
have lost
MEANING
have lost
DEPTH
and are
EMPTY
in emotion
in doing
in being
anything.

The American Dream
is now to
do the very
LEAST
but get the
MOST
for
NOTHING
that you
don't deserve
any credit
for.

The Golden Rule
now dull
means to do for
YOU
and
YOU
and
OTHERS
when they
are necessary
in your fake
happiness.

Happiness now
is equal
to acting
HAPPY
with out feeling
ATTACHED
to emptiness with the
CONDITION
that you act
HAPPY
because you can't
remember what
really is your
happiness.

Love is mostly
pretending
that you are actually
LOVING
pretending not to notice
STATUS
completely contingent on
CONDITION
and nothing to do with
LOVING
anything except
the mirage of something
that doesn't exist in your empty
heart.

Sadness replaces love
all the time
until you realize
WHO
you are
HOW
you got here
WHO
doesn't care
and how you can
make it back
up from being so
low.

Friendship is void
of anyone
you actually call
FRIENDS
because at all
TIMES
in all
SITUATIONS
in all
OCCASIONS
you now
realize that you
are always
alone.

Time has won
because it goes on
and who we used to
BE
has no
MEANING
has no
DEPTH
but is not
EMPTY
because it goes on
It goes forward
as we should in
anything.

And Time defines
your DREAM
your RULE
your HAPPINESS
your LOVE
your SADNESS
your FRIENDSHIP
so you must
take them back
as time goes forward
before you lose
everything.

Your American DREAM
should RULE
your HAPPINESS
shine on your LOVE
deal with your SADNESS
define your FRIENDSHIP
as you take YOU back
let time go FORWARD
and never lose
your
something.

A love letter to my son...

2009-07-20T15:23:00.003-06:00

I'm not sure where to start
I'm not sure this will ever end
But I know my life wasn't complete
Until the day that yours began

You have grown into your own person
Full of your own hopes and dreams
You give me joy, you give me light
You gave me the very best part of me

Your wisdom is beyond your years
Your insight sometimes that of a grown man
Your faith takes all my worries away
You already know with Him, you CAN.

Through your eyes, I see a whole new world
Through your heart I can love so much more
With you beside me in all that I do
I don't know how I did it before.

The unconditional love for me
Even though my standard is high
You seem to know that I have that same love for you
Even when we're not in strong "like"!

The way you pour out your little heart
Has shown me it is in no way small
The way you care for every person you meet
The way you see with no boundaries, no walls...

God has blessed you with such amazing gifts
I will never take credit for any of those
Your love, your compassion, your talent, your path-
It is you, not I, that he chose.

The way you take it all before God
And let it go and know it is done
The faith, the hope, the love in your heart
You are blessed, amazing little one.

No money could ever give me this wealth
That I have achieved just having your love
Nothing could ever have made my life better
You don't even know all that you've done.

I told you that my lingering hope
is for you to be BETTER than me
And you asked, "Mommy, you are the best...
I don't think I could EVER be!"

You're sentiment, so endearing, yet so untrue
The world is yours to have at your feet
You are already better than I, my son
A heart and soul, so pure-so sweet.

You see, I would not be all that I am
Had I never been blessed with you
You give me renewed inspiration every day
A purpose in everything that I do.

My greatest fear is to let you down
To not measure up to who you deserve
To not be the role model you need in your life
To fail to return all that love.

All I can do is try my best
Teach you as well as I know now
I might not always be right everytime
But God will never let you down.

Do not ever put your trust in man
Even I, though I hope not to, will fail
The problem is not a problem for God
He will show you he always prevails.

And when you feel you have failed yourself
My son, don't ever look back
I'm not here to remind you of what you didn't do
I'm here to help you stay on track.

No words could ever correctly describe
The love in my heart for you
Not millions of hugs, kisses, or custom handshakes
Could show you the absolute truth.

I've never known a love like this
I'll be here to catch you should you ever fall.
You are the very best thing that I have
You are my love, my life, my ALL.

I hear you talking...

2009-07-20T09:53:00.002-06:00

Girl-You got it all together for yourself
You got goals, dreams, and a vision so right
I just need to fit in to all of that
I need to feel like a part of your life

I hear you talking those words so sweet
You can serve bullshit, but I don't have to eat.

Girl-you are everything a man could ask for
You are everything anyone could want
I know I have a situation, and all
But despite my wife-it's all you...no front!

I hear you talking all the time
Same old story, same tired ass lines

Girl-how come you do so much with your friends
Why can't we do those things with each other?
I just want you, I need you-all of the time
They're just lonely haters-WE are together

I hear you talking about things you don't know
But when times get hard...where did YOU go?

Girl-I'm just trying to do my thing, you know?
I need a little support and a helping hand
I need you two hundred percent!
I'll pay you back threefold, when I can.

I hear you talking with not a dime to lend
But you want ME to be your personal ATM?

Girl-Don't listen to any of that nonsense you hear
It's all lies probably started by chicks from my past
They just don't want us to be happy
They know you and I are going to last.

I hear you talking about the birds of the feather,
But didn't you, with THEM, use to flock together?

Girl-that chick is CRAZY, I'm all stressed out
Baby Mama Drama you know how it is!
All she wants is my money or me
But all I want is to do right by my kids

I hear you talking-but why do you hate her now?
Doing right by your kids is putting her down?

Girl, why do we need to get married
You know you are my number one
Things are good, we are legit
A piece of paper will take away all the fun!

I hear you talking about what you think is right
But if I'm your one and ONLY, I should be your WIFE.

I hear you talking, believe me I hear
I hear you saying what's inside of you
Painting a picture so clearly
of You, the fool.

I hear you talking, the stories you tell
Original to you I'm sure YOU believe
But I've heard it all before
Same story, different lead.

I hear you talking, the things you say
I know I'm supposed to be so touched
I am, Oh I am-more than you know
So much so that I've had ENOUGH.

I hear from you, and you, and you
Same old stories just different day
I hear you talking, and you, and you
Too bad you just don't have NOTHING to SAY.

Of Course

2009-07-09T11:23:00.005-06:00

Of course you are amazing

Simply the best

I could ever

Imagine

For me.

Of course you are the only one

How could I

Not save myself

Just

For you.

Of course I know that I am

Busy all the

Time with all

the "things"

I do.

Of course I'll have

time

One day for

You to come

and do

what you do.

Of course I think about

You all day

and all night

even when

Not with you.

Of course I want to

spend more time

getting to know

about you

and who you are.

Of course I know it

seems that I

don't know all

I should

but I do care.

Of course...

Can you hold on while

I take this other

call-Sure to

business, of course...

Hello?

Hi...

Of course I was waiting

for you

to call me. I was

just handling some

business.

Of course I was missing

you and hoping

you would

call me soon

to talk to me.

Can you hold on
while I handle this
other call?
Of course it is
business...

Of course...

Hello?

Hi...

Listen, you know I

just have to

handle this

call. Of course it's

business...

Of course I am missing
you and hoping
you will
see me soon
I'll get back with you.

Of course I'll call

you back at

the first

chance I get

when I get a moment.

Of course...

Hello?

Hi...

Are you calling

because you are

on your way

to come

see me now?

Of course I want to

know about your

day and all

you did

today.

Of course you know

that I only have

a few moments

to spare

but I will for you.

Of course you should

just be on your way

and we'll talk

when you get here.

Of course I've been

waiting all week

to see you since

it's been so long

since I had time.

Of course I'd love to

get out but you know

I have so much

with so little

time.

Of course its just better

to spend private time

together so we don't

waste time out

together.

Of course...

Of course you know my phone might ring-all business, of course...

Of course you know I might have to text while you're here-just business, of course...

Of course I'm listening to you. Yes I care, of course....

Of course I care about your life right now, of course...

Of course you are the only one right here, right now that I care about, of course...

Of course you know I'll be busy for awhile-business, of course...

Of course I can only make time for you-when not handling my business, of course...

Of course you are special to me right now...

Of course...

Of course.

The Closed Door...

2009-07-08T14:49:00.004-06:00

Keith,

It's been almost one month since you passed away. I have started this so many times-but I couldn't bring myself to finish until I realized I need to let it go.

Every morning I walk in this building, and as I get ready to go to my desk the closed door of your office reminds me that you're not here. There isn't a day that goes by that you aren't somehow brought up in conversation among us regarding work or personal lives-but it shows me that you were an important friend and mentor to all of us.

I remember when you first got diagnosed with Cancer. You wouldn't look me in the eye and I thought something was strange. You kept having closed door meetings with Larry and we all thought Larry was getting ready to retire!! I wish that's what it was. The day you brought us all together to tell us of the cancer that they found in your body was a terrible day for me. I'm sorry I had nothing to say. I'm sorry that I couldn't show you right then how important you were to me. I knew that you were watching me and watching my reaction. To see you almost break down tore me up on the inside, but I thought if I broke down too it would be too much for you. So I simply walked past you and left you the card I put in your box that day.

Your will to live amazed me. The times we got to see each other and it was YOU lifting my spirits always left me in awe of the person you were. It made me want to try harder, to work harder, to let you know there was nothing here for you to worry about. I never felt like I could fill your shoes but I wanted you to be worry free about what was going on at work.

In my heart, I knew you'd never come back to work. But, I was hoping that you would have time to spend with your family and realize that there were more important things in life than a "job".

Keith, you are the most important mentor I have ever had in my life. You believed in me at a time I wasn't sure anybody would. You gave me a voice in a company where I never thought I'd ever be relevant. And I know you would say you didn't give me anything-that I just realized my full potential. I will never EVER forget your words. I will never EVER forget your encouragement, I will never EVER forget how much you believed in me, and I hope that I never let you down.

At your memorial service, your daughter spoke of the things you instilled in her and your son. And my heart was so full because those were the things you taught me too. This with the assurance from Larry that "He liked you a lot, a whole lot" made me feel close to you.

I thank God that the last time I saw you I was led to tell you how I really felt. I'm glad I got to tell you how much I missed you being here and how much I actually respected you as a boss and loved you as a person. I don't know if I could live with that regret. I'm glad that I had an opportunity to make you smile, and I'm glad we shared laughter.

For some time, I've felt like I shouldn't still be grieving. But I think it speaks to the person you are. You changed my life. You provided me an opportunity in life to make my life better and in turn make my son's life better and I will be eternally grateful for that more than you can ever know. I hope you knew how important you are to me. I hope you knew what a difference you made in my life. I hope you knew how important our friendship was to me.

The closed door reminds me that you aren't here...

but you will live in my open heart now and forever.

I can't pay you back, but I will do my best to pay what you taught me forward.

Thank you for what you did for me.

Thank you for believing in me.

Thank you.

Looking in my Mirror

2009-07-08T14:10:00.003-06:00

I've been trying to piece together my thoughts on Michael Jackson since the day that he passed.

I was in disbelief. I was completely heartbroken. Now, I might not have been as vocal a fan of Michael Jackson as others-but that's not my nature. As I've gotten older I haven't talked much about Michael because it always brought unwanted opinions, unwanted jokes, unwanted negativity that I had no desire to be a part of.

There are a few real ARTISTS that I have always been determined to implant in my son's musical tastes and how could Michael Jackson NOT be one of them. When they started playing the video montage's of Michael and the Jackson 5, I realized I had done him no justice. My son was mesmerized by Michael. He stayed up all night watching videos. Waking me up to ask me if I knew that Thriller was a "movie-mini". Yes, son. Waking me up again to tell me Man in the Mirror-a longtime favorite song of his-was on because he had never seen the video. Yes, son. Waking me up to tell me he had rewound the Heal the World performance and put it on the DVR and now knew the harmony. Good for you, son. Waking me up again to say "Michael Jackson was a handsome young man but look at JANET JACKSON in this video". Yes, son. And one last time before I went to bed to let me know "Michael really did bridge the gap for a lot of styles of music, Mommy". Yes, son. Still in this day and age, Michael is still magic to a generation in the making. He is the soundtrack to many generations...he is the theme music for HOPE.

It didn't hit me until I watched my son rocking back and forth to Man in the Mirror, and he looked at me with his big brown eyes and said "Mommy, he knew a little change in some of us could make a big change for all of us". And that's when the tears came. My nine year old, always speaking so plainly but always speaking something I need to hear. I'm always so thankful that it seems his voice is the voice of MY reason, MY blessings, what needs to be the reflection in MY mirror.

When he asked me what Michael did wrong, I had no desire and felt it unnecessary to explain the details to him. I told him that in my heart, I know Michael Jackson would never hurt a child. I do believe he did some things that were inappropriate for an adult to do-but not maliciously. I asked him if he could imagine a life where he couldn't go to school, couldn't play sports, couldn't do ANYTHING but make sure EVERYTHING he did was to please the millions of eyes on him. Most of us can't do right only in the eyes of God...could we be responsible for nations?? As I listen to Michael's pleas to help children around the world, to make ways to end suffering, it just breaks my heart that he couldn't save the child suffering the most-himself.

What Michael Jackson did for music will never, ever be achieved by another musician alive today-that's what I believe. He was not just an okay singer that could dance...he was not just a pretty face that could kind of carry a note, but had enough drama to create a little star power...he was not just a wanna-be artist who had mastered a computer program and could manipulate other people's songs to make it kind of his own. He was an ARTIST. A complete ARTIST. I think the biggest tragedy is that the events of his life prevented him from working with any other artist to share that talent, that vision, that MAGIC.

But his biggest accomplishment is how much he gave. I can't even comprehend the amount of love and compassion he poured out from his heart to help so many people. He set a shining example for so many people. The reminder of the example that he set for other artists, people, philanthropists, and others just makes me feel like I didn't appreciate him enough when he was here. Even if I was never to meet him-he should have been held up as a higher example.

Watching his memorial made me laugh, cry, and remember how his songs touched my life. And then I think if it touched my life like that-I can only imagine what he has done for other people. Watching his daughter extend her love to her father made me remember that we are all capable of doing so much more than we do-there are just very few of us who are willing to put ourselves out there to maximize our potential.

Listening to his music today makes me feel like I loved his music because of him, and I loved the songs because of him, but they never truly penetrated my heart, my mind, and my soul as a trinity. I am looking in my mirror, and I know that's where the change has to start.

"A little change in some of us could make a big change for all of us"
It's not the first time my son has said this...it's just the first time I really heard him.

One of the first songs I taught my son to harmonize to was "You are not alone".

And I'm not.

The Things I Will Never Do...Again.

2009-06-08T10:14:00.004-06:00

Recently, I have found that it is interesting, sometimes liberating-sometimes suffocating, but interesting to look at your own life with renewed perspective. Looking back on the past few months, I'm just amazed at the roller coaster of emotions I've been on, but this reflection isn't bad. I feel like I've been on this ride before, but now I'm riding with my seatbelt on expecting the ups and downs instead of holding on for dear life hoping that I don't fall out.

It's hard to wrap my head around all the thoughts and put them together cohesively because there's so much. It's amazing how much breadth and freedom PEACE gives to you. There was a time when I wouldn't have been able to process barely one thing at a time because every piece of me was in turmoil. And now I understsand-PEACE that surpasses all understanding. How thankful I am that every single unexpected turn now invokes a smile and a "Thank you Jesus", instead of tears and terror. How thankful I am that every obstacle that comes my way makes me glow because I'm amazed that God is still yet making me better. And when I make mistakes now, instead of pretending like I don't know better or don't care-I feel the error right away. I am only human-but I am so much more in tune with ME.

Now on the subject of mistakes-I've made a couple that I'm not necessarily proud of, not necessarily sorry for, and not completely sure if I should consider them mistakes, personal weakness, or....??? What I can say, is that I am so proud of myself for letting myself FEEL. For working through my feelings and doing what's good for ME, doing what makes ME feel good, looking at myself in the mirror and saying "YOU DESERVE THE WORLD and it's YOURS FOR THE TAKING!"

**Sidenote**If we don't talk often, you might be confused by the names we have assigned to these men-and also-I want all my single women to get in on the nicknaming convention me and my BFF's have taken up-it's so much more fun!**

True enough, about a month ago I was absolutely conflicted with how to feel. Mr. Special Agent IS perfect, he's everything I could ever want, ask, and hope for. But he's not HERE. How can I hold on to a relationship that may or may not happen? How can I commit myself to someone that is not even sure what the next steps are in his life? Why am I trying to do that anyway? My feelings stand as they are. I think he is absolutely amazing, I stand by that. But so am I. We have talked about taking the next steps but what I realized is that it is in my nature to make it so easy for them, to do what I can to show that I'm in it 100%. I take five steps forward and just hold my hand back waiting for that person to grasp it so I can help them along. I can't do that anymore. I let him know where I STAND. I'm not moving forward without him, I'm not going anywhere. I'm HERE. And if here is where he wants to be-he can take the steps. I've shown him where my heart is, I've shown him who I am, I've shown him what he can have and that is all I will do. No more trying to figure out what I can do to be more, I'm all I NEED to be. He is amazing, but so am I. It will happen anyway that it will happen. I am here and willing. What more can I do? I've done enough. I think we could be great together, but I'm just not going to spend any more time wondering, hoping, wishing-it is what it is. It will be what it will be. I'm HERE.

So it seems that when you move on all your ex's seem to want to move in because you are "The best thing that ever happened to them". Well, guess what? I knew that when you LEFT ME. I can look back and remember when each one used to leave an imprint on what I thought was my heart, but it was really my pride. The constant questions of WHY did he do this...WHY did he do that. I realized a long time ago that no matter what someone's explanation was, it will NEVER be good enough for your heart. I had to learn that forgiveness comes from inside. Forgiveness is when you don't need an explanation, you don't need an apology, you don't need anything from that person and you don't wish harm upon them. Probably for most women the hardest thing to deal with is when a man cheats on you because you want to know what SHE had that you don't. It doesn't matter. In a lot of relationships, I would ask this question but then look at myself and realize I was only getting exactly what I was giving. And in the last with Anthony (he doesn't get a nickname, doesn't deserve any thought!), I was so shocked because I hadn't given him ANY of that. I had never done anything. My constant questions of "What else could I have done" quickly turned into realizing that it was HIM that was broken not ME, and that his exit in my life was timely, necessary, and the BEST thing for ME.

A couple weeks ago I got a visit from Mr. Physics. I don't count Mr. Physics as an ex, because he was never that special to me. I know it sounds harsh, but that's real. He is a great friend to me, we have many things in common, but to his dismay-what we don't share is a mutual affection for each other. To be blunt, Mr. Physics had nothing to offer me but friendship and his body. Because he is such a good person, somewhere along the way I just didn't feel right about this since his feelings were real. We hung out from time to time, but I stopped the physical relationship because I didn't want to lead him on to think it could go somewhere else. He is gorgeous, he is well educated, he is a spiritual man, he is a GREAT catch-but he just does not do it for me. Coincidentally, Mr. Physics and Mr. Special Agent LOOK like they could be twins. They drive similar cars, they have quite different paths but have achieved similar goals, and on an amazing scale-I'd have to put them about equal. Somehow, I thought that we were good enough friends that I could share this with him. Not so. I had shared with him a couple details from my trip and I hadn't talked to him after that but I thought nothing of it, because we don't talk that often. So, after getting home from a night out with friends there was a knock on my door. I really thought it was my friends coming back because they had forgot something. Nope. Big as day, Mr. Physics with some things he needed to get off his chest. Now listen, I'm in NO WAYS interested in leading someone on, and I've told him this TIME AND TIME again. He wanted me to hear him out...and allllllllllllll the alcohol I'd consumed had different plans. I'm not proud of this. This went back to Pimpin' 101.

"I never meant to make you feel that way"

"I didn't want to hurt you, I just was scared"

"Well, yeah we can try-what kind of cologne is that?"

"OF COURSE I love/d you"

...

"Come upstairs and tell me"

Mr. Physics is not stupid, and he was not amused that I was trying to take advantage of the situation. He called me on it, AS HE SHOULD HAVE. But then wanted me to think about our situation. His argument was that I didn't have to go way out to Mr. Special Agent, when he is right HERE. But how many times do I have to tell him I don't WANT him here?

Why do we beg someone to want us when we think they should? Maybe the whole "relationship" between Mr. Physics and I bothers me because I KNOW I have done this. I know I have compared myself to someone else and said, BUT YOU CAN HAVE ME! Never again. I never meant to hurt him, but I just want to scream at him that if I can't appreciate who he is, FIND SOMEONE THAT DOES! I'm not going to beg someone to see who I am, if they can't see me for me and appreciate that-I can't make them see it. Time to move on.

I will never do that...again.

As they come out of the woodwork, I see so many things that I accepted and gave passes for that now...are just NOT ok.

So many things to never do again...

To be continued...

Talking to Monica

2009-05-18T09:10:00.004-06:00

I am happy-ecstatic actually.

I am conflicted-completely.

I'm trying to figure out why I can find happiness for everyone else, but I question it when it comes around for me. Everything I've asked for, everything I prayed for, more than I could hope for-right in front of me and I can't step towards it.

So-I have to talk to Monica. I have to talk to Monica as if I'm not her. I have to give the advice I would give someone else-because my own mind is so in my way right now, I can't get past the blaring doubts that I'm throwing in the way.

So, to me-Monica is a woman that puts on a good face for everyone. Only those that really know her know when the true emotion comes even though not often. Monica takes care of people-believing that she should always do whatever she can for other people because it is the right thing to do, hoping that she will be blessed for her kindness and never expecting anything back in return because she sees the fruits of her labor in the ways she has been blessed and the lessons she has learned. Monica is a woman who stands whole only because she pieced herself together through not letting traumatic experiences as a child define her, and understanding the selfish person she became for a short period in her life left no one to suffer more than herself-and the consequences are and were just and self inflicted. Monica stands as a woman who wouldn't do a thing to change her past because her walk in faith has led her to know and believe that every single thing that happened to her happened for a reason and stands on it all as a living testimony that God has not given up on her and is still blessing her in the face of every adversity.

Monica is learning to trust herself. Monica is learning to not put so much trust in other people. Monica doesn't hold what people did against them, but takes it in again as a lesson for herself.

But...
Monica understands the hardships that happen in her life-but when good things come her way-Monica has a hard time believing that she deserves them.

Monica has taken control and not allowed people to hold her past against her-but just recently Monica has learned that she is holding it against herself wondering if she has been forgiven or if things will resurface.

So if Monica actually found a good thing and completely doubted that she deserved it, or that it could be something long-lasting, and/or worthwhile, and doubts that she even needs it...what would I say to her?

Maybe I would ask her to remember that when she loved, she loved hard with out question, without resignation, without doubt. That she prayed for the man in her life to be a good role model to her son. That she prayed that she would have a marriage built on a solid foundation. That she prepared herself and prayed to be a good woman of God in order to be what she needed to be for the man, child, and their future. That she had grasped the idea of being with somebody and stopped hiding behind wanting to be alone.

I would remind Monica that SHE said that she got the answer to her prayer, but God just showed her that she was ready but she hadn't found the RIGHT man. I would remind her that she was thankful that God showed her the way OUT and I would tell her to be proud of herself for NEVER looking back and not being angry.

I would remind her that she is ready. I would show her that her worries that her son would be adversely affected has turned out to be a blessing because he followed her lead and is fine. Maybe I would tell her that although she met this other man in what seemed to be way too fast for HER predetermined time limits...maybe God didn't want her to lose focus. Maybe while she is ready, he wanted to show her who she was ready for. Maybe I would tell her that although he may NOT be the one, there's nothing wrong with letting someone love you or WANT to love you and be a part of your life.

Maybe I would tell her that the things that seem too good to be true aren't too good to be true, but a blessing. I would probably definitely tell her that by not thinking she deserved these things would be saying that she doesn't believe in God-because if she asked for forgiveness those sins have been cast out. But to not believe is telling God that she doesn't trust him. Maybe I would tell her to stop asking why and just say "thank you".

And maybe-she would listen.

But maybe...what's going on inside of her is so much that she still can't hear what I would be trying to say. Not because she doesn't want to hear it, but because she doesn't know how to turn the other thoughts down.

I would tell her to try and just live in this moment the best she can. I would remind her that she knows that there is no harm in giving love because you don't lose anything-as much love as you give is as much as you gain whether it is returned or not.

I've been talking to Monica since I got back yesterday.

I want to look towards whats happening in my life with the same excitement, with the same hope that he does...but I can't find it. It hurts me so bad-but I can't find it in me to believe that somebody can give me back what I've given. I'm not afraid to give-I'm afraid to let somebody love me without wondering if hurting me comes with it. Then I think he doesn't deserve that, I think I shouldn't be like that...and I'm right back to where I started.

I think that it's too perfect, I think that we fit too well, I think that this just seems too right for it to be right. And as much as that doesn't make sense-it makes sense to me but I'm trying to really just let it go. I'm really trying.

I see something great...something WONDERFUL in front of me. I just can't go to it.

So, I'll keep talking to Monica-hoping that I find it somewhere inside of me to stop just having strength and start applying it. To be courageous enough to know that as much as I think he deserves is as much as I deserve. To know that as much as I don't know, is as much as I do know. To know that I will not be led wrong, and stop thinking things will go wrong.

I'm talking to Monica, but I just can't break through.

Monica is not broken.
Monica will not be defined by her past.
Monica deserves the happiness she wishes for others-and for once she really sees it and more than that she feels it.
Monica knows what she wants, she just needs to go for it.

Monica is frustrated.

Monica is overwhelmed.

Monica is scared.

Joy GPS

2009-05-04T10:15:00.003-06:00

It is often said and completely true that misery loves company-but it is a state of mind that I can't wrap my head around, and I hope I never can. I am so abundantly blessed with positive people in my life that I really question how it is that I am related to some of the most negative people I know. It makes me question myself. It makes me wonder if I ever was negative like this, and most of all it shows me that God really can move if you let him.

I remember a time in my life when I was really unhappy-but I hope to God I didn't try to take other people's joy to further enhance my misery and make me feel better about myself. It seems ridiculous to me now, but I'm hoping that it was equally as ridiculous to me then. The thing about it, is that even if you rob somebody else of their joy-it's not an instant solution or location status to where YOUR's is at.

There are some people, well one person, close to me that I am constantly looking at her friends wondering why they are not as good to her as she is to them. Then I realize-they are of a like mind. She gives to them-they take from her. They are not whole-so it's easy and quite sensical to them to take and take and take, and NEVER give. And because she is in the habit of looking for attention in the wrong places-the people that give to her are the people she lashes out at because they are not taking everything they can. Isn't that sad?

I've reached a breaking point. I can't continue to show her how great she is by my actions, because they aren't appreciated. I refuse to let her take my joy or even an ounce of my happiness from me. The Joy of the LORD is my strength-so one person, regardless of who they are is not powerful enough to take that from me.

I wish there was a Joy GPS. This GPS should be free and it only requires one line.

"Your JOY is right in front of your face-PLEASE GRASP IT!"

I don't care who it is and what they are going through, we all have plenty to be joyous about. It's so not about what you're going through-it's that God trusts you to get through it. It's that he is challenging you to be BETTER, STRONGER, MORE FAITHFUL than you ever thought you could be. It's not about the "why", it's about the WHO.

I know there was a time when I would ask God why I was going through the things I was going through. And it surely did not get easier just because I was on my knees asking God to fix everything. I have come to know it's not about wanting what you want, it's about trusting God to give you what you need.

How can you not have JOY when it's not even in your hands? How can you not have JOY when you have a FATHER who is going to fix it all for you and all you have to do is believe? How can you be sad for the things you have lost when GOD is trying to show you that what he is going to help you regain is more than you could have ever thought you would have?

How can anyone live this life upset about the trials they have gone through, jealous of the people around them, drowned in negativity, surrounded by foolishness?

YOUR JOY IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.

You can't steal my joy. I can GIVE you my joy, but the thing about it is-it doesn't take away from me-it grows within ME regardless of what you decide to do with it.

I have to laugh at attempts to bring me down.

I have to scoff at people who try to get the best of me.

I have to chuckle at those who don't understand how I can be happy in the midst of everything.

I have to wink at those who can't stand the genuineness in my smile.

Every doubt,
every fear,
every emotion,
every bad thing,
every tear I've cried,
every thing I've lost,
every hurt,
every disappointment,
every THING that ever stopped me from moving upward has been wrapped up INTO my joy and is retold in the testimony of my life. Retold in every story that I tell where the ending remains the same. God trusted ME, God used ME, God LOVES ME so much that he won't let me be just good enough-he pushes me to be better. And the only thing I had to do was believe that he would, he will, he CAN.

I can't locate your Joy for you, but the GPS can tell you where it is.

Grasp it.

Nobody can take it from you-but it will remain where it is until you take it for yourself.

RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE might seem like a long way away, but if you believe it is there, you can grasp it...

And hold onto it so tightly that it can never be taken away.

Joy that God Provides Sufficiently!!

The Simplicity Detox

2009-04-21T09:47:00.002-06:00

It's not that I haven't been writing...it's that I haven't taken the time to finish the entries that I've started. Sometimes when life is pushing you along, it's hard to take a moment to reflect on where you've been because you got here so fast!

Things have been good for me. The weight loss is going well, although it is now turning into more size loss and I have been getting a little aggravated with a pound or two gained, but I also started toning a lot more-so the solution is to stay off the scale and just stay focused!!

I'm running an impossible schedule right now. The boy has a full docket every DAY. Trying to manage that AND my life would seem to be unmanageable-but we don't speak that, we just do the impossible, thank God for the ability and keep it moving!

I feel so FREE. I've taken on the task of cleaning up the last of these debts that for so long I let anger me because they are not MINE, but from being taken advantage of in a relationship. And the more I learn about myself, about God, and about life-I realize that in some way these debts are mine-I WILL be responsible for the choices I make, and I will pay in one way or another. So, I have promised God and myself that I will pay for them. I went to a financial seminar so that I would be able assist in providing the classes at my church, but I was so blessed by the presentation. Confirmation from God that I am indeed on the right track, and from my calculations and Dave's plan, I should be debt free in about 10-14 months! YES!!

And, much to my own dismay-I have met somebody. I didn't plan for this to happen at all. In my own plan-I was going to be single for an undefined amount of time and just love on me for a while. Not that I don't know how to do it...I just enjoy being by myself. To me, I had learned so much from this relationship-I had gained so much MORE for myself. I'm not mad at him, I don't hate HIM, I just don't respect what he did or the person he showed me at ALL. But why would I be upset about that? I loved him the way you should love somebody you plan on spending the rest of your life with. I'm not sorry for any thing, any moment, any part of me that I gave him because I gave it in love. I did not give it without being able to truly give-I gave to him BECAUSE I am whole...and whatever he took from me-I am STILL whole. His exit from my life didn't change me, it made me realize how much better I am. I did ask God to make me the woman I needed to be for my husband, I did ask God to make me whole to be a good wife-and God showed me that he did that-and he also showed me that the husband I thought was mine was not for me at all. And I'm not mad. I am glad he showed me everything he did in order, and I am glad that if nothing else-God showed me that I should and CAN trust myself if I am trusting in HIM like I am supposed to. I'm thankful for that. There is nothing to be bitter about. I did not lose a thing that takes away from who I am. I lost 230 pounds of confusion, and I don't want it back.

Best Detox EVER. Thank you LORD for cleansing my soul.

However, this is not the simplicity detox I speak of.

I met the Mr. Sir through a mutual friend. We started chatting on Facebook (yes it's overtaking my life as well) and then it moved on to texting and phone conversation. We hit it off pretty much instantly. Because I am who I am, I thought maybe I just like him because I'm rebounding...I know myself better than that. I just learned that I could really trust myself, right? He doesn't live near me, so the only thing we can do is talk. I'm actually kind of glad, because when you get in someone's face-well at least when I do-if there is an attraction there, I'll act on it. Whether it be too soon or not, I'm grown. Doesn't matter. However, I've also made a vow that I was going to take better care of MY temple and act the way I am supposed to. So again, I am not perfect and definitely NOT a survivor of my own flesh-I'm glad he's long distance.

Over the phone, he seemed perfect. A man telling me things that makes it seem like he has sense doesn't mean to ME that he has good sense. It means he has good enough sense to say the things he should. Our conversations were deep. He had no fear to ask me the things he wanted to know, and I have nothing to hide-so his questions got answered. Now, I started talking to him like two weeks after the break up, but I have to tell you-there are no lingering feelings. I was just as done then as I am now. The issue was not that I still had feelings for my ex, just that I thought this might be happening way too soon. He is so different. With the ex, I would ALWAYS say he didn't care about what I did. And somehow, I let that be okay with me when it is so clearly NOT. So, now I had a man who would ask me about what I did and come back the next day asking questions after he had researched my company, projects I might be working on, things I might be interested in. Different. Being a scholar himself with a M.A. in Psychology, he challenged me to learn more about things I didn't know much about and I found we were going back and forth on an intellectual level that I really had only experienced with close friends or the peers I deem to be "as nerdy" as me. This was very refreshing!!

Somewhere along the way, naturally we started talking about meeting in person. We became friends very quickly. Conversation was easy...the thing that bothered me was that it was thoughts Mr. Sir that overtook thoughts of the ex, so in my mind-I was maybe just using one to get over the other. One day Mr. Sir posed the question "Do you think we will hit it off when we meet?" Of course! Why wouldn't he? He constantly had me laughing, always had me smiling, and I couldn't wait to talk to him more and more with every day just to see what he would be wanting to talk about next. He said, "Well you should be mines then". Being the person I am, I told him that if he ever asked that question in real life, he better NOT say "mines" and that I could not agree to that because we had never met. That's weird! So he said, okay-I'll be there next week. I was shocked! I told him my schedule is impossible and I'd be busy. And really-I might be ready to move on-but I told him there is NO WAY he could meet my son now. It's too early-too confusing. I already feel bad enough about bringing the ex into his life, PERIOD.

And then he opened up my mind to the simplicity I had been dealing with probably all my life and motivated me to do this detox.

His spiel went kind of like this:

OHHHHHHHHHHH, I see you are used to dealing with simple ass
minded negroes The kind that blow your back out 15 times
and in a month or so you are asking yourself "Where do we stand?", "What are we
doing?" because you never set any boundaries. Then you talk yourself into
thinking you have to know about him and he needs to know about you-and a S.A.N.
would use the things in your past to hold against you because his simple ass is
still trying to do what he wants to do. A REAL MAN could care less about
your damn past.

He went on to say:

I think you're an AMAZING woman and what you have been through in the past
makes you who YOU are, so at the end of the day I will just think MORE highly of
you if that's possible BECAUSE of what you've been through. A REAL
MAN knows enough to know-this woman is amazing-I know she's what I'm looking for
and I DARE NOT disrespect her and try to do any of these things we speak of
OUTSIDE of a relationship because I respect the woman that she is and she
deserves more than just to be a piece of ass.

I was absolutely speechless. And I was ten shades of stupid darker,
and ten pounds of clarity lighter...

And in my silence he continued on:

OR...maybe you're used to the S.A.N. that at some point agrees to be with you
but spends years trying to make sure there's nothing better out there, all the
while missing out on how the two of you could be growing together and missing
out on the little things about you everyday that he COULD be learning-but
instead uses simple ass excuses to make you feel bad about
YOURSELF. A REAL MAN doesn't need a time stipulation because a real
man knows enough about the simple bytches he's been with to know what he doesn't
want. Just like women, a man knows very quickly what his intentions
are with a certain woman or what they could be-just a real man acts on it NOW
rather than later realizing that if he hasn't found what he's looking for he's
REAL ENOUGH to let her go.

The only response I could utter is that it was just too soon. Somehow I thought this would end the open-handed slaps to my face that I had always known but never heard verbalized in my own reality.

And in response:

OHHHHHHHHHH...so you thought you found what you wanted in a man right? I
agree-so now that he messed up does that all change? Or, do you just
realize that what you thought you saw was what you wanted to see and instead of
handing out "it's okay to be simple" passes, you find a real man that doesn't
NEED a pass because he IS that man. So being alone for a certain period of
time will allow for you to find that man.

He said:

You're absolutely right...they hand out a timeline for when a woman is ready.

Can I plead the fifth here?? Can this guy SHUTUP? Or can he apologize for not saying out loud what I knew but needed to hear YEARS ago. I told him I was tired, wanted to get off the phone.

I didn't get off that easy.

Don't get mad at ME. I'm a real man. You're a smart,
educated, focused woman with goals-I guess I just assumed that you knew and were
smart enough to know that you deserve somebody that appreciates you for who you
are and wants nothing more than to explore your entire mind to find out
everything he can about you because you are just that special and you don't have
to do a thing for anybody to see that.

Maybe I'm too complex for you. Cause all those s.a.n.'s-I bet you
thought you knew them better than they knew themself. You felt like ya'll
were close and you "got him". How hard is it to understand someone
one step up from a single cell life form. Hell yeah you knew that
knukka...they read like Dr. Seuss!!

Then went on to ask if next week was too soon, because he wasn't trying to let me go. Then said:

Oh, wait-what are you waiting for me say...Aw girl...I don't have no money.
can you buy me a ticket? Or-my funds ain't right right now...let me
see what I can do. NOPE. I can come get in your face or you can
come get in mine-but we will be face to face. I might not be the
right man for you, but if I'm not I hope you find the GOOD REAL man that is
because if I don't deserve you, you definitely deserve a great man that matches
who YOU are. I don't want to take anything from you, I want us to be
able to add TO each other.

Later on at some point-his concern was that I had not necessarily told my son that things between me and the ex are over. My son is very in tune with me, and although I had not laid it out in black in white-I'm pretty sure he's aware of what happened.

Mr. Sir then asked me if the ex wanted children. I told him that he was very bitter about HIS ex having a baby by someone else, and that he had told me at one time that he would rather experience having a child with someone who was having their first child too. I then said "But that changed..."

He interrupted me and asked if I was serious. Asked a question that gets under my skin more than I had ever known "You're smart, right?" I was obviously offended and asked why the question?! He said that him taking that statement back was like somebody saying something when they're drunk, then saying they don't mean it when everybody knows they do!! He asked if for one second I thought that if I had another child if that child wouldn't take priority over mine. He asked how could I be serious about letting a S.A.N. with BABY ENVY raise my child. Mr. Sir made it very plain to me in the beginning that if my child was 5 or under he could not be bothered because he's not a fan of small children. He said that he would do much better with an older child, but wanting children to him doesn't mean having a brand new baby. He said if that is the situation he is in with me or ANY woman, he would want to not be viewed as "the mother's husband/boyfriend". He said he could not live in a situation where he was not being the best father he could be to the child of the woman he loved-that loving her would mean loving him, and being a father would mean being a father to that child FIRST before planning for any other.

Again...no words.

It's not that anything he said is not what us "girls" have been telling each other for years after we get through our own experiences. Why it was so different to hear it from a man, I don't know. Or maybe, it was just the right time for me to receive it. This man didn't know as much about me as others and could stand up and say I'm amazing and is willing to bet that what I've been through has made me who I am. It's what I've been screaming from the inside out to deaf ears for so many years. It made him seem too good to be true. It made me mad instead of being flattered that somebody held me in such high regard. It made me realize that I've been ingesting a whole LOT of simple for way too long and it was time to let it GO.

So, to my relief, I had already detoxed the SIMPLENESS out of my life, but in retrospect it made me sick to realize how much of it I had taken. It's all done now. I am who I am because of what I've been through.

I have promised myself to not let simple rules RULE my life and to let life flow as it comes. Knowing that in tough times I will be strong, that in good times I will be thankful, and in all times I will remain faithful.

I don't know where things will go, but I'm not going to try to plan it, I'm going to let go and see where it takes me. I'm going to stop looking back and trying to remember when I enjoyed the ride and start enjoying the ride and just holding on when it gets bumpy.

I'm going to stop settling for people who think I need to prove myself to them and know that people of a like mind, and a likeNESS to who I am will see it without being told.

I'm going to detox the simplicity of other people out of my life and never let it back in. Much like dieting, it's a lifestyle change.

Simplicity Detox...The only miracle diet where you gain so much with the loss of what ends up really being so little.

Moving UP

2009-03-16T10:58:00.006-06:00

I had an interesting weekend, to say the least. I'm in a good place right now. I really am. I really thank God for this clarity that I have. I feel so blessed for everything he has put me through in order to show me how blessed I really am.

I had the pleasure of meeting a young girl on Friday night. I'm not easily moved or shocked by things that people have to say about their life, but this girl's story punched me in the heart like never before. She is nineteen years old, married with a two year old son. She is a military wife. She is a recovering addict. She is a victim, struggling to be a survivor. Abandoned at age 14 by her father, handed her social security card and birth certificate and told "Good Luck". She was homeless for years. She talked about how she stole food to eat, how she sold things to have a place to stay or sleep, how she survived hypothermia and managed to stay alive while sleeping in parks, under bridges, anywhere she could find. And as if being abandoned by her father wasn't enough, her mother also abandoned her in the desert of California with a newborn baby, her first child. She talked about how she was coming off of the drugs and probably wasn't far from people but was scared to lose her baby and not in her right mind. She got teary eyed as she explained how she would try to feed the baby and keep it alive-until she realized that the child had died in her arms.

She went back to her hometown and found a friend who's family took her in. She is a talented artist and poet, but doesn't have the confidence to pursue those interests anymore since her father, an artist and illustrator, told her everything she did was terrible. She said "I just want to put my past into a box and put it away, and never open it again. I'm trying to move on."

Her words don't seem that moving-but it hurt me that she said that, and something moved inside of me. I said "But it's who you are. All those things are what make you who you are. It's not part of your weakness, it's the foundation for all of your strength!" And I was moved again-because those words didn't come from me. As they came out of my mouth, the power of those words touched me too. And I realized quickly it was NOT me, it was the CHRIST that is IN me. Now, I am convicted about my own faith and have no problem expressing my beliefs...but I'm not really big on telling people how to have that conviction in their own walk. Who am I? But knowing that he was with me, I asked her "Do you pray?" She looked away. She said she was trying to get all her emotions out by talking to the therapists that are assigned to her in the program she is currently completing to stay clean and to keep custody of her child. I asked her again "Do you pray?". She said "I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. You can't believe the things I've done. I'm ashamed to even tell you or anybody...I believe God has a purpose for my life because as many times as I've overdosed, or had alcohol poisoning, or almost been raped or killed...I shouldn't be here. I can't pray. God has done too much for me."

Her green eyes searched me for a moment of shock, judgment, disbelief...something. But I was not shocked, I had no judgment about her, and I didn't doubt a thing she said. Without even flinching, without even blinking, without even wavering I said to her, "God has blessed you. He is going to continue to bless you. He loves you, and all he wants you to do is believe that he will take care of you."

Her green eyes searched me still, but now inquisitively-not challenging me. I said, "Although your story is sad, you are not the only person that has gone through the things you have gone through. It's hard because it is YOU. If God didn't love you, if he didn't know YOUR heart-he would have left you a long time ago."

She told me that she tries to open up and express her feelings, but it is hard because she has trust issues. She said that she can't talk to the therapists because she feels like they are only there because they have to be. And I shared with her the positive side of that. That she doesn't HAVE to worry about what they think of her, that they are there to explain her feelings without anything personal invested. That them HAVING to be there should make her feel better about opening up to them, because they expect nothing in return. Just for you to make YOURSELF better. She hadn't thought of it this way, I could see it in her eyes.

She said that she doesn't want to keep her parents away from her child, because she wants them to know him. She said they are both clean, but she has anger and trust issues with them still. I was amazed at her courage. To be treated like that by both parents, I had assumed they were no longer in contact with each other. I told her I could not imagine being that brave or that strong. I told her that her willingness to believe that they have changed and give them a second chance shows she is much further along in her progress than she gives herself credit for. And with all people in our life that we have issues with, we have a right to tell them how they have hurt us. We just have to be realistic about what our expectations are about how they react. I told her she has a right to tell them how she feels, but one of two things will happen. One, they will not realize the ways in which they have hurt you. This will start a new process with them where they will have questions too. Or two, they just won't see it your way-and to them nothing needs to change. In both situations, you have to be prepared for that person to also tell YOU how you have hurt them-and your reaction will be the same of the two options. But then after that-we have to let it go, and not move ON, but move UPWARD.

As the words were coming out of my mouth, I was holding back tears. I was so full, so happy that God was using me as his vessel. These words were not my words, because as they came out of my mouth they touched my heart too. I told her that too often we give people so much of our energy because of the position that they play in our lives. That too often we allow ourselves to be persecuted because we have told ourselves that that person has a right to make us feel that way. Too often we care so much about the judgments that other people make on us, when in reality-as long as we are still being blessed-we know that yes, our God will hold us accountable but even in the midst of our judgment-he is blessing us anyhow. We can not expect people to be this good to us, so why do we try? Why do we try to just move on with the burdens that are unnecessarily placed on us by other people still drag behind us and slow our progress. Why is that we are only trying to move on at the same level that we've been, instead of moving UPWARD? Why is it that when God shows us plainly what the unnecessary burdens are in our life, we continuously try to bear them instead of handing them to God and letting HIM handle his own children so that we can move UPWARD?

And as I said this to her, I had a picture in my head. Unloading a bag of hurt; unloading a bag of unnecessary reflection of the things that hurt me; unloading the people that have shown me that they don't deserve my time, love, attention, or affection; unloading all the things in my past that weigh me down, but allowing the blessings that came out in the midst, the strength that I gained, the endurance that I showed, and the love that I still have to get under my feet and lift me up instead of carrying it on my shoulders and letting it weigh me down.

And in my picture, as I moved upward I kept telling myself "Don't look down". I can't look down. If I have in fact left anything or anyone beneath me, I don't have to look down. God will raise them UP. And as I look around at the people in my life who are around me now, I see that they didn't look down for me...they just extended an arm and lifted me up when I needed it most. Because God had already raised me up, but I let the cares of this world and what I thought were the problems of my life weigh me down unnecessarily.

And just for confirmation, the message Sunday came from 1 Corinthians 10: 11-13.

11These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come. 12So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! 13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

How many times did I feel like I had been through things to help somebody? How many times did I say "I know what you're going through, I've been there!"?? And I was right. God put's people in our lives to show us that we aren't going through anything that hasn't already tempted somebody else. It is just up to us to see that as a blessing and unload that burden and move upward...or try to unnecessarily carry it and move on wth no progress and the only thing to show is the scars from the same burdens you choose to carry and not let go of.

I think it's my mind telling me I should still be hurt by what has happened. But I'm not. I didn't do anything wrong. And if I truly left something that God had in store for me, he certainly doesn't want me to wait around for it-because that time I spend trying to figure out why I have lost something is time taken away from Thanking GOD for all he has blessed me with! He has bigger plans for me. And while I try my best to just rise UP to do what God has for me to do, the things that I need he will rise them up to meet me where I'm at.

I have got to move up.

No looking down.

I am moving up.

Thank you, God.

Meeting Me Again...

2009-03-12T10:10:00.005-06:00

I don't know if we ever stop and think about how powerful our minds really are. By measure, we know what we are capable of by the things we do, the things we have achieved, the things we aspire for. But that is the power of our brain. The power of our mind often takes us outside of ourselves and we let it somehow become the controlling factor in our opinion of ourself.

As of late, my problems have seemed so small. I have life, health, and my strength. Beyond that, who I am to ask for anything more? Only by God's grace and mercy am I blessed with the things that I don't deserve, but he gives them to me anyhow IN SPITE OF who I am. I have lost somebody out of my life-but not by death. By God showing me what I knew all along. And all this hurt around me, REAL hurt, REAL LOSS has made me feel so small. So selfish for feeling sorry for myself. So simple for letting my mind take power over my self worth.

But isn't it amazing how our true friends, and even friends we didn't know were in our corner don't let OUR mind overpower them?

I have been overwhelmed by the love and support from near and far. I have been so touched by the words of encouragement, the offers of support, the reassurance of who I AM from people that love me. Although my mind was working overtime and allowing me to be angry, hurt, sad, mad, and desperately searching my soul for the answers from the past that could help me in the present-the person that I AM wouldn't allow those people to watch me fail.

Is it sad that I had to be reminded how strong I am? Is it sad that I had to pull from other people's words, wisdom, and encouragement to get through each day? Or is it assurance for ME that I have surrounded myself by people who love me? Is it a sign for me to not allow one person who didn't appreciate me overshadow all the people who do? Is it a lesson for me to love those that are giving it back to me and not waste it on the people that don't know what to do with it?

Is it that these people have seen who I am, know how I've changed, and feel for what I'm going through ENOUGH that when I get down on myself, they re-introduce me to ME? Is it that I have been so richly blessed that even though my mind tells me I am being punished, God is still showing me the blessings around me and just waiting for me to see them? Is it that the people who are not around me shouldn't be, the people that leave from being with me are gone, and these people that love me stay with me to reassure my heart, my soul, and MY MIND that I really am who I thought I was, will continue to be who I dare to be, and will stand with me always, and pick me up when I fall?

All the little gems of advice that you thought you knew all along-but sure brightened up your day when it was handed back to you. What a blessing!

Today-I can't even really say that I'm still hurting. I guess to think about IT still hurts, but why think about it? I'm still here. Better than EVER. I didn't cheat, I didn't lie-I can still be proud of me for the woman that I learned that I am. I am still proud of what I accomplished. I still am a good woman-I just didn't find a GOOD man. And should I be sad? Or should I be thankful that he showed me who he was long before I got sucked into the miserable existence that is the life that he chooses to lead?

Today-I am better. I'm here. I am CLEAR. There is nothing in front of me, in back of me, around me, or through me that casts a shadow of any doubt on who I am. I don't have to lie, I don't have to hurt people, I don't have to hide inside myself in order to look at myself in the mirror. I have treated others the way I want to be treated...and even if they didn't give that back to me, I hope what I gave to THEM is the assurance that there is somebody out there that will love them with no conditions, no expectations, no judgement.

I stand strong. I made it through. I may have been hurt, but better to love and have lost than never to have loved at all. I loved somebody who didn't know how to be loved. That' s not my loss. I gave freely without expecting anything in return. That's not my loss.

I am who I am, but I just forgot who I was.

Nice to meet me again.
Nice to be me again.

It's nice to know that no matter what my mind says, I will not be allowed to be forgotten.

Hi Monica-glad you're back.

Settling is for Pilgrims

2009-03-10T07:25:00.003-06:00

Undoubtedly, I have been emotionally drained with the events in my personal life as of late. This break up has taken more out of me than I'd like to admit. I'm not sure that it gets easier, I believe it is just that in hindsight more things become clear to me which pave the way to me attaining the highest levels of pissed off-ness when I realize the bull crap I settled for.

Now, one of the things that I discussed in one of my earlier posts was how I basically crossed some folks off of my friends list because they happened to be ex-boyfriends and my then BOYfriend was not comfortable with those friendships. Some of them, I do honestly feel bad about not talking to them anymore. And their level of friendship to ME has been apparent in the way they have supported me and been there for me during this time AS friends.

So I thought.

I mean yes, there are friendships there. But I have learned a couple things about them and about me.

First of all, I was an asshole. I mean straight up-no holds barred, surprised I didn't get slapped-ASSHOLE. I've had to lay down some real deal apologies for the way I used to be. Although I don't want to...let me just lay out some transcripts of chat/text. I'll explain the context later.

Him: You said you were not ever going to get married. What happened?
Me: Things change. I fell in love.
Him: There wasn't love between us?
Me: Are you serious? I mean, it was completely physical. Don't play
Him: Physical to who?
Me: What else did we do?
Him: Who's choice was that?
Me: Are we really playing this game right now? I shouldn't have asked you anything
Him: I just don't understand you right now. This is not the Monica I know. When did you start letting a n!gg@ bring you down and get the best of you. That's not the Monica I know. Get your head up
Me: This is different for me too. But thank you for your encouragement
Him: You never needed encouragement before! Just cause your dram n!gg@ turned out to be a BITCH n!gg@ doesn't mean you should feel bad. His ass is stupid. You didn't do anything wrong.
Me: Really? Cause I think I'm the one alone and he's the one living it up with some married chick.
Him: I don't even know that dude, but I can tell you you were too much for him to handle. N!gg@s got faithful problems. You are a confident woman and can't nobody tell you shit. That's hard for a simple ass mind to handle. You are not the jealous type, you don't trip about hardly nothing, and you don't need nobody for shit. Some people like to feel needed. You don't believe in that. Don't you say all the time, it's not healthy to need somebody?
Me: Yep.
Him: Ok then. All the chicks you showed me that he dealt with and even this new chick-you can look at them and tell they got insecurity issues. So a n!gg@ with faithful problems and a ho with insecurity issues. Perfect match. He ain't for you. Don't know what to do with you. Probably not that many men do. Shit, I didn't.
Me: Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Him: Being with him going to make you feel better.
Me: Not at all. I love him, but I have supported that man like I already WAS his wife, he wants somebody else's wife
Him: OK then.
Him: You loved him?
Me: No I love him. That's not going to change over night. I just know what I won't accept. How many times do you have to get cheated on before you get tired of it? Hell, I'm tired of it! I know I've forgiven a lot worse than this-but I won't settle for that crap ever again.
Him: So you'll never take him back
Me: Not the way he is now, no.
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Everybody and Anybody can change. He wants to get his life right, I respect that.
Him: You think I have changed?
Me: I think you could change if you wanted to
Him: So I haven't changed?
Me: have you?
Him: In some ways. One thing hasnt changed
Him: I still love you
Him: Hello?
Me: yeah
Him: You don't have anything to say?
Me: Um...no.
Him: So there's no feelings between us
Me: I told you, I felt bad for just ignoring you. I mean, we are friends right?
Him: You never saw a future for us?
Me: Are you serious right now?
Him: Yes
Me: Honestly, No. We both did what we wanted to do. You STILL do what you want to do. That's fine. That's what you do. That's what you've always done.
Him: You are something else
Me: So I've been told
Him: No for real. your an asshole
Me: WOW. Takes a great one to know a good one
Him: I'm being serious
Him: You sitting up crying over some bitch ass who couldn't appreciate a good woman and isn't man enough to handle a woman willing to support his sorry ass while he tried to make something of himself. You sit up here and tell me that he's changing his life and if he does that you would take him back. But I got to be the same n!gga@ I always been? I always loved you. I always will. I didn't propose to you because I thought that shit was fun. I wanted to marry you. I can provide a fuckin life for you. I can support YOU. I want to give you everything you want. and how many times did I propose. You never thought I was serious.
Me: The first time you "proposed" your ass was married. The second time...you were drunk
Him: I ain't never been that fuckin drunk. What about the other times
Me: What other times?
Him: you serious?
Me: Are you? How did we even get here? I'm not trying to rehash this out with you. It was what it WAS. Nothing more, maybe less!
Him: So you didn't love me
Me: Um...in a dysfunctional kind of way I did.
Him: Wow
Me: How did you figure you wanted to marry me? You don't know shit about me, really. I mean let's be real since you want to get nasty about it.
Him: I do know about you. Because I cared enough to pay attention. If I asked you you always aid you know I don't like to be questioned right. you remember that
Me: Um...well, sounds like something I would say.
Him: And how many times were we at a masonic function and I'd try to talk to you in front of your dad and the other pm's and all them after I had told them about my girl and you walked right past me like you didnt know me. thats some fucked up shit Monica for real
Me: I was not ever your girlfriend.
Him: That's what you say
Me: Um, okay
Me: How many other girlfriends did you have?
Him: We always have to come back to that shit huh?
Me: That's how it was
Him: When I left it was
Me: Ok
Him: What about when I left. Did you ask me to stay? NO you told me it was better so you could move on. But I guess what we had was just physical to you right?
Me: Well, it sounds ugly when you say it like that-but don't pretend that's not what it was
Him: That's what it was to you, I'd take you any way I could get you
Me: That's stupid
Him: Why?
Me: Why would you take what you could get and not ask for what you wanted?
Him: Oh I'm stupid but that's the same shit you been doing for all these years with this little bitch ass running after a dream and not doing shit for you
Me: He's not running after a dream, he will make it
Him: You STILL taking up for this punk
Me: Um-seriously does he have to be all those names. I'm not happy with him...but it doesn't mean I believe in what he's doing any less. I'm not sorry for what I did for him because I did it because I love him and didn't expect nor will I ever expect anything in return. However, lying to me and cheating on me is not something I will ever again be ok with. It doesn't make him a bad person, he messed up. I will forgive him-I just don't right now and that forgiveness doesn't mean I'll take him back.
Him: You forgive him and you still supporting his ass but he ain't thinking about you. If he cared he couldn't have done this shit to you
Me: Ok, that's what you believe that's fine
Him: And how come I can't have a chance like that?
Me: We just weren't like that
Him: Why can't we be?
Me: what?
Him: I never did anything like that to you. Why can't I have a second chance.
Me: You want a second chance?
Him: Yes
Me: Are you serious right now?
Him: Why not? I don't want you to hurt.
Me: You gonna love me out of the hurt?
Him: I want to try
Me: Um...I hope you are kidding. I hope you are not serious right now
Him: why?
Me: I have told you, been telling you that YES I am hurt-but I love that man! It's not going to go away over night! I'm not sitting around waiting for him, but I do not play with people's emotions like that. Why would I move on with you? And WHY would you accept that
Him: If I could have you, I don't care
Me: Listen, I am not, nor should any person EVER be special enough for you to settle for some bullshit.
Him: You settled with him
Me: EXACTLY! See how that turned out?!
Him: So?

And I will end it there. I copied and pasted this right from my archive...just substituting the "him" and "me". This conversation left me dumbfounded. I mean REALLY.

First of all...it's not a nice feeling for somebody to point out how ugly you have acted. I'm not proud that I basically used somebody for his body. I'm also not real fond of the fact that he felt a certain way, and for all these years I had convinced myself it was only physical to find out that that was my choice and my doing. We had had other conversations where things like this came out-and I had to really apologize for hurting him. I mean, I knew how to play the game. Now, I really did care about him and at some point maybe thought I wanted more, but based on how the relationship started (he was going through a divorce...but still married in my book) I never felt like I could trust him. Hmmm...sounds like a familiar situation in somebody ELSE'S life, eh?

The part that really puzzles me was the idea that now was a good time for us to try to get together? Now, this man has laid down some good thoughts for me on why Anthony has done what he has done...and I'm not stupid...I know he's not an impartial source, but he knows more about me and how I am. A lot of the things he has said have made sense to me, and I know that he's probably not 100% correct, but it has given me some things to think about. This is a well put together man with an established career, doing very well for himself. So why on EARTH would you put yourself into a situation where you already know the other person is not in it?

Because you love them.

All those guilty? AYE!

I realize this is the SAME thing I did with A/S. When we got back together, he was just getting out of a relationship. And I kept telling him over and over again, you are NOT over her. I knew he didn't want to get back with her, but I kept telling him he needed to resolve that anger or it would stay with him until he started recognizing things about other people that DON'T exist just because he had not resolved those feelings.

I guess if I was simple, I would be flattered. I'm not.

People do that because they are selfish. Because they want somebody to love them when they can't love themself because they think it will help them come around. NOBODY loves me like I love me. NOBODY deserves MY love more than me.

I love him and what he did hurts. ABSOLUTELY. But I am so much more than just somebody's girlfriend/future wife. One time he told me he felt like he was stopping me from doing what I wanted to do, then it was I had already done everything I wanted to do. And I corrected him everytime. Nobody can stop me but ME, and even when I've done what I wanted to do...I still have plans to move onward and upward!!

Why do people settle? Because they want to. More and more that seems to be the answer to many of lifes questions. We all want what we want, but it seems we are scared to go after what we deserve.

I think that man is a phenomenal man. I think he knows a lot more than I ever gave him credit for, and I have a lot to learn from him now that I have opened my eyes to see him for who he really is and what he has to offer. But all that I can offer him is friendship and he honestly shouldn't be willing to settle for less than he deserves.

Selfishly, I could take his affection and companionship to make myself feel better. People do it all the time, but that is SO not me. The day I start needing somebody else besides JESUS to help me feel better, is the day I need to stand in the mirror a moment longer and figure out what to do with myself, for myself, and about myself.

Settling is for pilgrims.

The only pilgrimage anybody should take is the journey to find a better self. That settlement should be alone.

Settling is for pilgrims.

So for all the people coming with covered wagons full of issues and past hurt...I'll have to wave them on to a different land.

I'm not a pilgrim.
No more settling.

One Victim-No Voice

2009-03-09T09:40:00.002-06:00

Until about two years ago, domestic violence matters didn't seem that pressing to me. In most situations, it seemed like it was just a formal charge given to dysfunctional relationships. Charges, in many cases, dropped because somewhere along the line somebody would say sorry at the right time and all was well in the world again. And, although I felt for battered woman, I never understood their mentality or state of mind. Seems simple to me-you go upside MY head, I'm not going down without a fight. And the charges will NOT be dropped, you WILL go to jail. But a domestic violence charge doesn't carry too much time nor weight.

I was always aware that there were some women who felt trapped. Felt like they had nowhere to go. The emotional controlled the physical. Now, I understand emotional abuse. I stayed in a relationship for almost 6 years because that man told me that everything I had experienced in my life left me unworthy of anybody else BUT HIM. That led me to believe that I was not in fact a SURVIVOR of my circumstances, that I was actually tainted. That I was LUCKY to have him because he was the only one that understood and would accept me. He was the first person that I actually confided in about being molested for 9 years of my childhood, being a rape victim twice before I was even 12, and three times after that. The last attempted incident-my freshmen year of college which brought all the anger, all the hurt, all the feelings out-and he was there. And he acted supportive, but instead used it all against me to convince me that nobody would understand me. He was the first person I told everything to-so how could I tell anybody else? How could I confide in ANYBODY without thinking they would assume the same things he did. And then, in my mind-I was lucky to have him. He accepted me.

It was really in my college years that I acted out. I went from not trusting anybody-to trusting everybody. Notice I said that the last event in college was an ATTEMPT. I did not get raped, but the fact that somebody would try left me in a very weak state of mind. I got myself into situations that I would have never been in before. I let people take advantage of my trust because I wanted to believe in people. And when things came tumbling down around me, people turned their backs on me. The people that had got me in the MOST trouble were no where to be found and left with no blame. So, this was a pivotal point in my life. I felt like no matter what-I was not going to be happy. That no matter what I did, people were going to take advantage of me. That no matter what-I could make nobody happy and I decided the best course of action was for me to attempt to take my own life.

I planned it meticulously. I knew exactly what to take and used alcohol as an accelerant for the pills I took so that it would happen quickly. And as I laid on the floor and listened to my heart stop beating, I asked God to bless the people around me and to have his way. I called my sister, just to talk to her. Because of the amount of pills I took, I couldn't control the blurred speech or lack of coherence in my words. She asked what was wrong, and I told her I was dying. Only by the grace of God was she able to figure out a phone number I incorrectly gave her and sent somebody to come get me. They arrived to get me probably two hours after I had taken those pills. I should have been dead. I was sleeping when they came and I woke up. I stayed alert on the way to the hospital. The tylenol levels in my body were so high they were concerned my liver would be damaged, and my heart rate was irregular. Since I was conscious, they decided the best thing to do was pump my stomach. Now, listen-if you want somebody to stop drinking heavily, stop doing drugs, stop putting whatever into their body-get their stomach pumped. It will change their attitude on life!

A suicide attempt is not only hard on the person, it destroys your family and friends. Most of the time, there are signs there. Many times there are not. I started seeing a therapist, and honestly...I didn't tell that dude a damn thing about what was going on in my life. I still didn't trust anybody to accept me for who I was after everything I had been through. I suppressed it all AGAIN. I knew the reasons I acted out. I knew the things in my life that hurt me the most, but I kept it inside. I went and saw that guy for 30 minutes every week, and knew that when he looked at his watch I had five minutes left. It's just what I had to do to get on with my life.

For me, dealing with the things I had been through was entirely spiritual. Realizing that I had put my trust everywhere BUT with God. It came to me in struggling with my life and always asking God WHY I had to go through whatever I did and somewhere along the way I would say "God, I know you're going to bless me after this storm. Just help me get through it". And in teaching and starting to study my bible more realized that the storm WAS my blessing, and in waiting for it to be over I wasn't giving God credit for the ways in which he had been blessing me all along.

Not until then could I look at what I had been through and stop being angry about it. I had to stop being angry at people for not protecting me. I had to stop being angry at people for hurting me. I had to start loving myself for the person I was. I had to realize that although painful things happened to me, the hurt that I went through was directly proportional to the strength that I had to get through it. So I decided to stop hiding from myself. I decided that what I had been through is completely in vain if I can not learn, grow, and do everything in my power to help anybody out there feeling like I had. IF nothing else, to give them hope and let them know that they are NOT alone.

In my work with people, I have found that many people struggle with the same things I had struggled with. I found that although I had made some bad decisions, I had not done anything so unspeakable that I couldn't recover from it. I healed. I realized that the only person that could make me a victim is ME. As a victim, you choose to not have a voice. I am not a victim, I am a survivor of my circumstance-a living testimony that God will never leave you, he will never forsake you, and that everything that happened did happen in HIS will and he brought me out of it. This healing took many years. People don't expect you to talk openly about molestation, rape, suicide, emotional abuse, and mental instability.

So, I know for myself how destructive it is to hold things in because if you don't deal with them you still act out. I never would have compared myself or my situation to that of a domestic violence victim/survivor but I have come to learn that tramautic events invoke the same feelings within all of us-the defining factor is how we handle it outwardly.

Domestic Violence has a stigma behind it. We don't like it, but in most situations we position ourselves in the opinion that there is really nothing we can do about it. Most of the time, we think we can spot people in a bad situation-until something happens that exposes it to us. What we fail to think about is what chain of events, for both parties, that led to the event that exposed the volatility of the situation.

Many people now are speculating on the motives behind the Chris Brown/Rihanna incident. Many women are appalled that she would take him back and want her to know this is not the last time. But how do we know it is the first? He claims to have witnessed his mother being abused, so many people want to blame this on those events and label this as a perpetual cycle. Instead of thinking about the actions that he witnessed, how come nobody is asking what consequences he witnessed??

Abuse has perpetuated itself in our society over and over again. Whether it be that we don't teach our children about healthy body limits or boundaries, or we teach and don't SHOW the same things we say. Whether it be that we witnessed abuse and saw that there were no consequences so we are either scared to speak up, or not afraid of being punished. Domestic Violence situations seem to be different.

Like many, I never went to the police or anybody about what was happening to me. Mostly because I was being abused my boys not that much older than me, and this was not something we were taught about. We were taught that grown ups shouldn't touch us inappropriately-I didn't know how to process the situation I was in. However, if my situation had been brought to light-there would have been a prosecution regardless of what my position was. If a man rapes a woman and accused of rape, regardless of what she says-that man can still be prosecuted. In domestic violence situations, why is it so easy for a woman to drop that restraining order? Why is it so easy for them to allow a woman to speak on the man's behalf? It seems to me that if somebody has been convicted of rape, or molestation-we see that person as a criminal. If there is a domestic violence charge-many people assume they just don't know all the circumstances. And in the case that person is back WITH the person, that conviction bears no burden at all.

Until June 28, 2007-I didn't really understand how serious domestic violence really was. It was on this day that Kesha Tann was murdered. She attended my church. A quiet, but hard working woman. Single mother of two well rounded girls. She had a long term relationship with Freddie Mayes-a DEACON at our church. Before this day, you couldn't have said a bad thing to me about Freddie Mayes. He was an excellent role model to the young men in our church-often organizing and facilitating events for our young men to be more responsible and have positive role models. He cooked for the homeless on Saturdays. He was a funny, upbeat person that always had a smile and a hug for you. Always.

One Sunday, he stood up in church and said he was going through some things. To pray for him, really pray. And in hindsight, what we all realize now is that it was a cry for help. His fellow deacons were taking turns visiting him, making sure he was okay, and it was apparent that he was not dealing well with the break up of his relationship with Kesha.

On June 28-He killed her.
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4191/is_20070628/ai_n19344012

This event changed my life. I realized what can actually happen when you don't know what kind of emotions somebody has on the inside of them. I realized that just like I had held all the feelings in and acted out-everybody is capable. In whatever way they justify to themself.

During this whole ordeal, I couldn't fathom that we were in the presence of a cold blooded killer. I didn't know what to tell my son when he asked why Mr. Freddie took away somebody's mom. I kept telling myself that he had had some kind of breakdown, and that he would be sorry for what he did. I kept telling myself I would not judge him, because God was going to deal with him-but I was sure he would be sorry. That remorse never came. And even as he was sentenced to life in prison, he still has no remorse for taking her life.

The domestic violence issue has become near to my heart because of this. See, Kesha Tann was a domestic violence survivor. She got out of a relationship she knew was not headed in the right direction. But she was murdered because of it. Did she know he was capable of murder? She was scared of what he might do and called the police to report it, but she was unable to get an emergency restraining order because he had not physically done anything to her. So does it have to come down to violence? How come nobody is complaining about the lack of resources BEFORE somebody does get physical? How come the emotional violence is not enough?

So when a woman, OR MAN (http://www.batteredmen.com/) goes back to a relationship that we all see as doomed...I wonder what they have been through emotionally before they got to this point. I wonder how many times they thought the only way to live, was to stay with this person. I wonder how many times they allow themself to fall back in love with the person all the while telling them self that if they do the right thing, the other person won't do "it" again. I wonder why we are charging men with assault, menacing, or harassment instead of attempted murder. And I really wonder how many times a judge is going to have to sentence a murderer with domestic violence on his/her rap sheet before somebody realizes that the biggest problem with the cycle is that we are not doing anything to stop it.

I don't claim to know Rihanna or any other person's reasons for going back. I'll never stop believing that people can change and not go back to the ways they have exhibited. I will always believe that God can step into any situation and change it forever.

I can only share my story about emotional imprisonment. I can only share my experiences in knowing what it's like to be trapped in your own self. I can only tell people that they don't have to be like Kesha and the many other women I have had the opportunity to share my time with. I can only tell every person that if they choose to be a victim-they choose to not have a voice.

For every victim, there IS a survivor. For every survivor there is a voice. For every voice there are countless stories. Hopefully those stories save another victim.

All we can do is hope.

All we can do is pray.

All we can do is listen to the voice-and find the ones that don't think they deserve to be heard.

Never Again...

2009-03-06T09:47:00.005-07:00

You know, my personal motto is to EVERYDAY be better than I was the day before. So instead of being pissed, sad, or overly emotional-I guess I'm going to have to take this situation and be thankful for all the things I continue to learn about myself. Deeper understanding can only lead to better things, right?

So, I've stopped trying to understand his actions. I've stopped trying to NOT be mad at him. I've stopped trying to still give him some kind of credit for the man I thought he was. That man would still be with me. So, I've had some time to think about the things that I won't do again. EVER.

I admit that in my past-I haven't had a lot of definitive relationships that people would deem normal. The relationship consisted of me getting what I wanted and that's it. I had no problem with that. I had no use for having to answer to anybody, for having to spend unreasonable amounts of time with anybody, for trying to make it more than it was. I had no desire to be called before 10 pm. I had no desire to hang out with friends and family. My only desire was to be left alone and then available when I requested. Now along with this, I gave up little to NO information about myself. For what? I wasn't trying to make any meaningful connections. Now listen, I know you may read this in complete amazement at how trifling I was. YES TRIFLING. Nobody can tell you better about the things I have done than me, and I never intend to be anything but real ABOUT ME. I hated being questioned. I hated having to pretend to care about somebody else's life-because I had enough going on on my own.

I wouldn't even call the relationship with my son's father anything close to functional. I know that people looked at me and thought I was being so silly. That he was doing what he wanted to do and I was turning away from the truth. No...for the people that really know me, they know the truth IS that we were the same. To this day, you could never get him to believe that. You could never tell him that even TODAY I don't still think the sun rises and sets in him. I just didn't get caught. Yes, for periods of time I was faithful. But everytime he cheated on me, he got cheated on. I just never got caught. I never expected to get pregnant, but when I did I think he thought he was ready for a child and marriage. And coming from a home where my parents are STILL married, I figured the right thing to do was to get married for the child's sake. The only thing that you could definitely say about the relationship is that it was dysfunctional and lasted for a long period of time. It wasn't a good situation for me. I lost a lot of things, but the best thing I learned was what I would NEVER settle for. I don't have any hard feelings towards him, because I always kind of felt like whatever I got-somehow I deserved it. The best thing I ever did was walk away from that relationship-and somehow he still hates me for that today, and even more for the fact that I don't care. Now the stupidity after I left him-well that's for another day. :-)

So anyway, when you have "acquaintances" like I did, it's not like you ever officially break anything off. I mean, these men were trained to not call me in the first place. After time went on, yes they would check in from time to time. They might get me to go out to dinner. And in a couple cases, I thought I might actually want to spend more time so there was more interaction. Telling me that they "Loved me", or I was "the kind of woman I could settle down with" was a surefire one way ticket to get your contact info changed to "Do Not Answer #x" and should I ever see that person on the street they might get a handshake and a hello. THAT WAS IT.

None of these men ever spent any real time with my son. On a few occasions I MAY have let them come to my house, but there were other people around. It was never a "just the 3 of us" situation. Now, I started to realize that my undeniable devotion and love for my son led some to think that I really did have feelings for them but I was "scared" or trying to be hard, or didn't want to get hurt. Whatever...come around when I need you-that's all I cared about.

For the ones that I did happen TO care about, there often was a situation where I knew they had another girl, whatever. In hindsight, I realize you get what you put forth. So that shadiness, the seemingly lack of ability to have one woman-I never got mad about it. I didn't care. They were looking at a mirror image in me and just didn't know it. See, I have always known that I look very innocent. And my sarcasm in telling the truth was only taken as sarcasm. I never told anybody they were my "boyfriend", or they were the only one I was dealing with-that assumption was a self made assumption that I never cosigned for. All men assumed that my schedule would only allow for maybe one man. They let the 3 times a week in church, constant running around for my son's sports, constant meetings and trips for my professional organizations and work commitments would make it impossible for me to have time for anybody else since I seldom had time for them. Conversations would be like "I hardly ever see or talk to you, if I didn't know any better I'd think you had another man" and my reply would be "Well, I don't have a man. But you hardly ever see me cause I have to make time for the other 3 or 5 negroes I got on my roster". Those comments would be laughed off. It would be assumed that I was being sarcastic.

And I hardly EVER let them come to my house. When they did, they had to come well after my son was sleep and leave right after the business was adjourned. Did none of them ever think it was strange that they had and still have NEVER seen my house? Did they not think it strange that they would come in the kitchen, go downstairs to the bedroom and leave out the same way. It was acceptable to make a pit stop in the bathroom, but shower? NO. Drinks? NO-there's a 7 eleven down the street? Dinner? PLEASE.

So to me, how is it that you could deduce that I was the type of woman you could fall in LOVE with? How could you know you wanted to settle down with me, when real talk-you were getting pimped in the WORST way. And when I really had to break it down for some of them...well-that's why most men I deal with don't talk to me now. I'm fine with that.

I am not proud of the way I handled my personal life. I am not proud of the way that I played with people's emotions. My decision to stop doing this came long before I decided to get serious with Anthony. I had really stopped dealing with everybody. IF they should happen to text, I just didn't answer. No harm no foul.

So, when Anthony and I got back together, we shared alot about our lives. Only this time, it was about the time we had not been together. And actually-in that time-I had really kind of slowed down on being like that. In the year and a half that we were not together, I really only dealt with one person on a more serious level-but nothing major. So, this behavior had gotten old to me somewhere in my mid twenties. I told Anthony everything about how I used to be. For me, I was showing him that I wasn't sneaky anymore. I had no need for that. That vindictive "You got me, but I'll get you one better" was gone. In the process, I actually did hurt a lot of good men and I'm not proud of that at all.

So in Anthony's insecurity-he really had a problem with me dealing with any ex-boyfriend. I think by now we all know his reasons why. I never really cared that he dealt with his ex-girlfriends UNLESS I felt like there was something unresolved. Talk about going with your damn gut! So then, I started being like him, telling him to stop dealing with these chicks that weren't over him. SO NOT ME.

SO-never again will I put myself in a situation where I start acting out of MY character. WE all have exes in our life, and if you spent any amount of time with them and you are both over it-there is no reason you can not be friends. I have never asked an ex boyfriend to stop dealing with an EX. But at the same time, I know NOW that if you have that feeling that unresolved feelings are there-that's between those two people still having some sort of emotional connection. And if you have an emotional connection to someone else-how can you be 100% connected to me. Emotional Promiscuity-UNACCEPTABLE. I know now that that connection should have been resolved BEFORE I came around.

Along with that, I have some exes, people I dealt with, whatever-that are actually good friends to me. I stopped talking to all of them. Stopped having any kind of reasonable communication so that Anthony could feel better about his insecurities. But-I'm not like him! I made it plain and clear to these men that we were done. And the stupid thing is-that these men are all intelligent, respectable men that didn't overstep once I made things plain. Did some overstep? YES, but I explained to Anthony that is on ME. Because in the past, I might have been dealing with somebody-but that didn't mean I wouldn't deal with them too. So it wasn't on them, it was on me but I corrected the situation. It shouldn't have been an issue after that. For most of my 30 years if people didn't know anything else about me, they know I can't stand bullshit. So why I accepted this from him...well I know why-because I love him, but really-I have never backed down from anything or anyone before, so why I started with him, not sure. Never again.

Everything I did to show him that I was really there-he just used it as his own fuel to tell himself I wasn't trustworthy. What I'm thankful for is that my friends, real friends, see the change in me and that should have been enough for me to know that it wasn't ME it was him. So to my friends, I feel like I owe an apology because it's basically like I was telling you "Thanks for noticing but you don't matter" because it was HIM that I wanted to see it.

I am so much smarter than I have been. It is true you can't help who you love. It is true that you do stupid things for love.

I worked hard for that relationship, and I don't regret a thing. I did everything I could and I damn sure gave everything I have. Anything worth having will take work, and I worked and fought for a life I thought we would share together.

But never again will I let someone else's insecurity define who I am or the things that I do.

Take it or leave it.

And I'm just finally realizing that if you leave it, I'll be okay. Because everything I worked for, everything I am, everything I have is still mine. You left-but you didn't take it.

And in all the hurt, I allowed him to make me feel like I have nothing left.

Never again.

Side Piece?

2009-03-05T09:04:00.003-07:00

I realize that constantly trying to make sense of this situation makes no sense. I'm not a person without logic or reason, but I am human and contrary to popular belief I do have feelings. :-)

So, talking to a male friend last night he made a good point-was I the girlfriend or side piece? See, I'd like to think that being in touch with his family-sending flowers, Christmas baskets, and being taken to socialize with siblings and such would make me the girlfriend, but maybe not.

Now I understand the sideways looks of his friends, the uncomfortable side glances, and the questions. It used to bother me that his friends were always trying to say something shocking about him to me and I would tell them we didn't have any secrets from each other-and they would chuckle and exchange glances.

I witnessed them non-chalantly trying to expose another one of their friends while he was there with another girl. How come I didn't get it? I mean really!

I have been really trying not to get so mad that I completely erase him from my life. It's painful. I love him. But I wonder if he showed me the person he really was when we were together or in the end? Another question I know can never be answered. I know it's unfair to say that he never loved me if he treated me like this-but how can I feel like his feelings were genuine when it seems clear to me day to day that the relationship I was in is NOT the relationship he was in.

And although I want to keep the door open for him, I just can't. If he ever truly wanted to let go of these games he plays-if he ever truly wanted to be the man I know or thought he could be-if he ever truly wanted to change-then maybe I could open the door. But for now-it must be closed.

I can't help wondering what else I was supposed to do. I want to tell myself and I want to hear when people tell me I did more than I should-but if that is really true-would I be here?

Over and over again he would tell me that he had no idea why I even wanted to be with someone like him who was doing nothing with his life. Over and over he wondered why I saw what I saw in him. Over and over he told me that I was such a great person, that I was everything that he could ever want but he didn't know why he deserved me. Does he believe that? Does he believe that he did not deserve me and then go find someone he thought he did?? Or does he truly think I don't deserve him? Am I truly not the one he wanted, so he said what he said to try to make me feel better about myself?

I'm proud of myself for the way I've changed, the way I've grown up, for loving somebody with everything I have and showing to them that nothing was ever too big, nothing was ever too hard-that I would be steadfast by his side no matter what. He walked away...AGAIN.

So, I could wonder if I was the side piece or the girlfriend.

I could wonder what I did wrong.

I could be mad at him for lying and cheating on me.

Instead, I will hold on to that love that I had for him. Pure, unconditional, without limits, without boundaries...and know that I gave that to him. Know that I gave him everything I had, and if it wasn't enough for him-then it just wasn't enough.

I'm not sorry for loving him. I'm not sorry for giving myself completely. I'll never be sorry for the time we did have.

I'll always be thankful for his love. I'll always be thankful for the things he taught me about myself. I'll always be glad that I opened up my heart. I will remember him for the person I thought he was. I will never stop hoping that is the man he can be. I will never stop praying that he conquers every dream he ever had and becomes the star I know he is.

I will not try to understand the man that he showed me, because that is not the man I loved. And if that is the man that he is, I pray he doesn't give up on being the man he wants to be.

In reality, I could not be his girlfriend, She can not be his girlfriend...nobody can be anything. Because the first love he needs to find is that unconditional love for himself.

So while I love him, while I'm sad to have lost him...I have to love me more than that.

It's not getting easier. I don't feel any better-I just know that this is the reality.

It doesn't matter where I stood...

All that matters is that I stand.

I'm standing.

I'm living.

I will be okay.

If I had never loved him-I would not have known I was capable.
I'll take that.

Mad Enough

2009-03-04T09:22:00.002-07:00

Again, I'm back at a place where everyday is just a day. I find it hard to look forward to almost anything except for the end of the day-because that means I will have made it one more day.

I hate this empty feeling. I hate feeling like I have nothing and wondering if he has anything. I hate not believing what he said because I've never not believed him before. Looking back, there were little inconsistencies-little things that should have jumped out in my face-but because I loved him and trusted him-I turned away from it. I hate feeling like he walked away from me to walk to somebody else. I hate feeling like everything I have done is for nothing, because he didn't want what I had to offer anyway.

In my life, there have been many people that I found that I had no use for. And usually, it was about me being mad enough about whatever they did to me that made me leave them alone and erase them from my life completely. And through this process, I have been telling myself that he doesn't deserve that. I've been telling myself that I can't do that to him. And after that, I'm still alone, still hurt, still completely broken...so why am I holding on?

I have nothing to hold on to. I feel so betrayed, so stupid. What was the point of planning your life with me all these months? What was the point of putting me through all of this? What was the point? I want to believe that he does love me-but that doesn't come without knowing that I think he is falling in love with her. I don't believe for a second he is by himself-I believe he moved what was hard out of his way and now he wants to have fun and talk and plan his life with her. Wherever it's going to go.

As much as it hurts me, and as much as I have tried to control it. I am mad enough. I am mad enough to know that the person he is right now? I have no need for that person. I did not lie to him, I did not betray him, I never did anything to intentionally hurt him and he has been living his life like this all along trying to get close to her and making me feel bad about who I am. I have no time for that. I don't deserve that.

I just wanted him to be happy. I wanted things to happen in his life. I wanted to provide the support he needed in order to be able to do what he needed to do.

I am mad. And mad enough.

I have to let him go. As much as it hurts me, as much as it scares me-there is nothing he can do for me if it wasn't important enough for him to protect my heart the way I protected his.

He is a liar.

He is a cheater.

He is a person that is lost and confused and needs to find himself.

It hurts me to write those things-because I see so much more in him.

He is somebody that has moved himself into my past. I just need to find the strength to keep him there.

I believe people can change. I believe people can get better. I KNOW that what he has to offer right now, is nothing that I need.

I never thought I could love somebody the way I love him. I never thought I could commit myself to someone the way I committed to him. I never thought my life was going to have to go on without him. I never thought he was capable of this kind of deception. I never thought that he would be the person to completely break my heart so wide open that all I can do is carry it this way because I don't have the strength, energy, maybe the courage to put it back together again.

And although I love him, although I miss him, although I want him more than anything-I realize that the Anthony I thought I was loving is not the person I thought he was at all.

I'm mad enough to let go.

Now I just have to get strong enough to move on.

The Things I Wonder About...

2009-03-03T07:50:00.005-07:00

After writing the story yesterday, I was overwhelmed by the amount of love and support from all of my friends. Every word, every note, every e-mail-they all help me, they all encourage me, and if nothing else-they all help me to know that who I thought I have become IS who I am.

I had a long conversation with a very good friend of mine who told me that she could say what everybody else is saying-but she had been through this and wanted me to know the things she learned. It gave me a lot of insight into my own situation. I can't say that it necessarily made me feel better-but it just made a lot of things make sense. And I haven't been able to make heads or tails of much of this.

Basically-my story, my feelings were a run down of something she had been through previously in her life. And of course she can't tell me 100% how Anthony is feeling or the motivation for his actions-but it did help.

One of the disagreements Anthony and I had last week when he was here was regarding how he is covered on my health insurance. Out of nowhere he says "You know that thing you're doing with your insurance is illegal, right?" I was like WHAT!! I had no idea what he was talking about. See-I often forgot that I have worked in an office setting basically since I was in college. I know the common-ness of situations like this. The way I went about mine was just different. Our situation allowed me to do this. I'm NOT stupid. Now, for those of that see this all the time-you, like I, probably don't see the big deal here. So Anthony says "I saw my Dr. and asked him about it and he said it didn't sound right to him". I was a little irritated. I mean, first of all, Anthony requested that I do this for him. It was something I told him I could do if he thought it was a good idea and I had no problem doing it. To me, health insurance is one of those things that you don't think about until a $5000 hospital bill is looking you in the face or you can't afford some prescription. I was also irritated because I thought, why would a DOCTOR make an analysis like that not knowing where I work, what my company policies are, or who I am. I thought it was so silly. Then when talking to my friend she made it plain for me. He didn't talk to his DOCTOR. There is somebody in his ear, who doesn't want him to be with me for whatever reason, and that's what SOMEBODY said. Makes sense. Doesn't even make sense that a doctor would say that, but this person probably already outlined for him that I would get upset that he questioned me. What do I have to gain by providing somebody health benefits? He saw all the paperwork and he knew about it every step of the way since I completed the task at his request. So, there were some major outside influences at work here. I can't say for sure what all of them are-but I realize that not only did my actions have to make sense to him-I was being put up against a jury of people that don't care about Anthony-they care about what Anthony can do for them and concentrate on hating on the things in his life they wish they had OR finding a way to get to the place in his life where they want to be.

Makes sense that we had made plans, had a plan in motion for HIS life mostly and then somewhere between the time he now claims he was getting "close" to her, all those plans started to fall apart. We had graduated from "let me fail and then help me" to "I see what you are trying to do and how this makes sense for me" and then back to "Let me fail and then help me". Now it makes sense.

I just really wonder where he thinks their relationship is going to go. I don't think she is a bad person, I don't know much about her. But I do know that he told me that she is separated from her husband and living at home with her mother. I don't ever fault anybody for that. I too had to get MYSELF together at one time and move back home. The difference is, I left the relationship FOR GOOD. I was working on getting out on MY OWN. Moving on with MY LIFE. Now had I been married, if I wasn't trying to see what happened, I would assume that as soon as I left-paperwork would have been filed. And through everything he has put me through, it kills me to know that I'm looking at his situation from the outside in KNOWING he is about to get his heart broken again. I don't want that for him. Part of me thinks that's what he gets for being stupid...but I can't stay mad at him for long.

Then I remembered something she said on the tape. "As long as we have good communication between us about EVERYTHING, and you know...no outside influences"
Yes Courtney, because you realize that he can be influenced by OUTSIDE influences...because that's what you've been.

Don't take this as me having hard feelings towards her-I have no idea what her intentions are. But based on her actions-I know that her intention is not to be divorced. If he can't see that-that's on him. I have no right to speak on it.

So, I was watching The Bachelor last night and basically the girl he picked got screwed over in the end. But her words punched me in the face:
"Why did you put a ring on my finger? Why did you propose to me? You wanted the relationship and as soon as things were different you got scared and you don't want to fight for me. You don't want to fight to see if this will work. You just get scared and run away to somebody else."

And then when she was away from him, she said she wasn't mad-just hurt. That she wished he had wanted to fight for her. That she wished he wanted to try. She said that it must be her. Must be something about her. And as much as I wanted to be able to look at her and think, no that's not true. I'd be a hypocrite because that's how I feel.

I laid in bed for a long time thinking maybe I should not have told so many people what really happened. And I keep going back and forth thinking his own words were that he was going to stop running from the truth. But do I have the right to make him stand up to his own truth. Am I judging him? Am I being unfair?

So badly I want to know if he actually did what he said. Did he tell her he's not trying to be with anybody? Does he really want to still have me in his life, or did that just sound good? Is he really just being by himself so he can get closer to God? Because after I saw him with her-I don't believe that at all. I believe that he got me out of the way, felt bad about it-but then realized that maybe she's the one for him. And I wonder if he told her everything he told me and if she was more understanding, does that mean to him that she's better for him because she didn't get mad and not want to talk to him? Because in my head, she doesn't have a right to get mad at him for being with somebody-but to him does that mean that she's more accepting of who he is?

No matter how I think about this-I can't get it to sit right with me. I'm not better, but I feel like I can't let myself get any worse. I read past blogs from last August where I was going through the same thing-but I had hope then. I hadn't been lied to and cheated on. I feel guilty now for how much I pray because I should have never pulled away from God and I'm so sorry for that. I mean I still prayed...but I was praying for him and God was showing me the truth, I just didn't believe it or want to see it.

I don't know what's going to happen between us. I don't know what's going to happen for me. And honestly, I just don't have the energy to wonder. I'm just existing. Trying to do what I can to keep my mind clear and the tears from falling from my eyes, because I don't want to be bothered with people asking what is wrong with me.

I wonder if I would ever forgive him. I wonder if he would ever even want me back. I wonder if it would be the dumbest thing in the world to take him back. I wonder if he hurts at all. I wonder if he cares. I wonder if loving him like this will ever stop hurting me. I wonder why he didn't want to fight for me. I wonder if I can ever forgive him. I wonder if I can ever stop blaming myself.

I just want a piece of some peace.

I'm trying not to let this situation take my happiness, my joy, my peace but it has slipped right through my fingers.

Today I'm still hurt.

Today I'm still sad.

But today, I am mad. And I wonder if that means anything to him at all.

The State of MY Union

2009-03-02T10:08:00.008-07:00

As much as I don't want to do this-I promised myself that today I would write about this and try to let out some of this emotion that I've been fighting for a few days.

Understand a few things before reading this explanation of what happened:
1. I invited all of you to read this for a reason. I hope to make that clear while writing this-but understand this is real emotion, raw emotion-an outlet for me. I'm not here to tear anybody down-but this is my life.

2. Understand that even if you didn't know it before-I am leaps and bounds more expressive in my writing than in talking.

3. This is not an invitation to a pity party. It's my emotions...real and right now. I'm not going to hide them.

So...where to begin.

Well, as you all know-Anthony has been having a hard time these last few months. The reason I know that you all know is because you heard from me from time to time asking you for your prayers for him, for us, but mostly (I think) for him. Anthony has been going through a time in his life where things start to fall apart and nothing is as it seems so you get into a continual pattern of having to pick yourself up where you fell.

See-as some of you do or don't know...we stopped talking for about a month last August. At that time, Anthony had stopped working for GM and I was really excited for him to really give 100% in pursuing his dream to make his music his life and his career. At that time, he felt like I didn't understand his lifestyle, and never would so he said he couldn't do the relationship anymore. And then-I was very much in a similar place to where I am now. I was in shock, but something told me it was not over. I thought he was overwhelmed. So I prayed and just stayed strong in believing that we could work it out, we would work it out, and things would be fine.

We did eventually start talking again and things seemed to be fine. We had a new understanding that there was no time limits on our relationship. He finally understood that I knew that his life was going to be unpredictable to say the LEAST but he finally understood what I was offering. See, during the summer when he was getting ready to leave GM, it was my idea that he could just move to Colorado. But my idea of moving was not to settle down. It was so that he could go and do whatever he needed to do. So that when he needed to pick up and go somewhere, he could just GO. At first, Anthony didn't like the fact that he felt like I couldn't go with him. Either because of Trey, or my job, etc...he felt like I should be able to just pick up and go with him. He wanted me to experience what he was experiencing. Well-to me-even if I didn't have Trey...I wouldn't do that ANYWAY. I told him that while I was trying to get to where I am now, I had to settle OVER AND OVER again for jobs that I hated, being in positions that I knew weren't going anywhere-but I had no choice. I had a child depending on me. I had to do what made sense. I didn't want that for him! I wanted him to be able to go wherever he wanted to go with no worries of having to please anybody BUT himself. I wanted him to be able to say "Nope, this isn't for me" and move ON. For a while, I thought he understood that. He had said that in April, he was moving here. I really wanted him to understand over and over, that moving here didn't mean moving in with me, settling down and making a life. It meant get on your GRIND, be about your business, and go where you need to go with no worries about little things while you are gone.

In the meantime, he kind of went from job to job. I did whatever I could to help him. I've always known that as much as he is a free spirit is as much as I am grounded. Although our talents and goals were very different, I understood every step of his life. I had to learn to not try to save him FROM the things that were going to happen but to just be there when things didn't work out and encourage him to keep on going because things WOULD get better. Whether it was paying bills he couldn't quite take care of, providing health insurance for him, whatever-I did these things because I love him. Because I knew I could take care of them and they were things that you don't think about until you are in a horrible situation where the lack of these things in place causes great strain. And because if in the same situation, he would and HAS done the same thing for me!

I'm trying to stay coherent here, so bear with me. Around mid-October I received some weird e-mails from someone who was sending ME an e-mail chain between Anthony and a "Courtney". It was e-mails where he had sent her a picture of his outfit, songs from iTunes he had downloaded and sent to her...nothing major, or what I thought at the time, warranted any suspicion. It was his actions that made me suspicious. See, my e-mails come to my phone. So I saw this e-mail come into my phone and I couldn't get the whole thing, so I refreshed-then it was gone! Then there was a reply from me, then everything was gone. So when I get back to my desk, I realize Anthony is in my e-mail answering the e-mails AS me and then deleting all the evidence. I called him and asked what was going on. So-we had no idea who it was and I finally sent an e-mail to all parties involved basically telling the guy to stop contacting me, that Anthony and I were together and to just stop the drama. I HATE DRAMA. I knew who Courtney was-she was someone (A MARRIED SOMEONE) that Anthony had dealt with before we ever got back together from 2005. A jump-off basically. So, honestly-the way he handled it was suspect, YES. But I never heard back from anybody and that was it. I took his explanation for it...let it go. looking back on it now, and finding her e-mail was signed in another time I was trying to sign into MY e-mail, I realize he probably intercepted the note that she was copied on-so she never saw it, just like I wouldn't have.

In November, we went to NJ/NYC. This was the first time I ever felt like there was a disconnect in our relationship, but I knew he wasn't really happy with where his life was at, so I kind of let it go. I asked him why there was no affection, he seemed very disconnected which was just not like him. He then told me again that he was unhappy with life, and just couldn't be that way feeling like he was. I took that.

In December, things started to get a little hectic for me. We found out my grandmother in Korea was sick. And this strain between Anthony and I was really bothering me. So all I could really do was pray that I could be the support he needed. Constantly prayed that I had the right words to encourage him and keep him lifted in his pursuit of his dream. So, I get on facebook one day and I see that one of his ex-girlfriends, Bryonne, has tagged him at a KC Chiefs football game. Understand that I didn't even get mad when I saw this. I figured it was an old picture, I knew what she was trying to do because Anthony had told me repeatedly she was trying to be back in his life and she was "that" ex girlfriend that just tries to cause drama. So her posting of pictures came directly after I finally put up pics of our trip to the east coast. However, when I looked at the date of the picture-I realized that Anthony and I were together at the time. That this was AFTER we had started talking again and I was PISSED! I just couldn't understand how he could have missed telling me he was going somewhere, especially with her...and as much as we talk and text everyday-how did he get out of this? What could he have told me that I either didn't bother him or talk to him for the duration of a football game??!! His explanation was that we weren't together-until I broke down the timeline for him. He said he didn't think I would understand, he was wrong...no explanation-he was just sorry.

I went back to Kansas City for New Years. I thought it would be different. SAME DISCONNECT. No real affection...I just didn't feel wanted like I used to. So, during this time, Anthony was working. I was on his computer looking up some information and when I went to Yahoo, his e-mail came up. I opened it. I know this was wrong, I know it wasn't the right thing to do-but after the things that had happened...I opened it. Sure enough, an e-mail from Bryonne. It said alot, but said nothing. See-I understood that she's one of these silly females that an ex-boyfriend could say "HI" to and in her mind they are on the mend. I responded back to her e-mail and told her to "LET GO. YOU DON'T MATTER" and right when I hit SEND, I realized that this was NOT one of the most stellar moments in my life. I was ashamed that I had even stooped to her level. I was mad at myself for going there with him when I thought I knew I could trust him because he just wouldn't do me like that. So instead of trying to cover it up-and knowing he would be upset-I told him what I did. I felt like our relationship was so much more than that, and although I had made a mistake-I was NOT going to lie to him.

Anthony came home from work early to basically go off on me. Told me he couldn't believe I had went through his stuff. That after all the things I HAD DONE, it was not fair that I still thought he was doing things behind my back. Said there was no reason for us to be together if there was no trust...this went on and on and on. He told me that I shouldn't even compare myself to them, since he didn't even really know why I wanted to be with him because I could do so much better-that he didn't deserve me. At this point, knowing what I know now-I can't even really begin to go here-so sorry.

I left and I fully expected him to just tell me he was done. Now, don't get me wrong. At the time-I DID think his reaction was a little extra but I also just kept taking into account all the stress he was under. In January, I lost my wallet-I don't think I need to say much more. You all know that means cancelling of debit cards, blah blah blah. Well, I had supplied Anthony with a debit card just in case of emergencies and the card did not get cancelled, but they would not allow it to be used until I got and activated my new one for my protection. However as he was trying to use it during this time-it took us awhile to get that answer. But-common sense told ME that it was probably a precaution-but Anthony got pissed. Stopped talking to me for about a day (which might not seem like a long time to you, but being that we were long distance-we talked/texted several times an HOUR) and I was all stressed out thinking that I had failed him. I wired him $100 dollars and texted him the reference number and I get a text back along the lines "As I sat here hungry last night, I realized that things have gotten out of hand so I handled my own business. I cut up your card and checkbook. I appreciate what you TRIED to do, but I've got to handly my business". So I felt AWFUL (Listen, I understand that this is the part where you get frustrated with me...). I knew he was mad at me, and I felt so bad because he always talked about all the ways he was there for everybody else, and I just felt like if he could depend on anybody he should be able to depend on me.

Again, the communications between us were a little strained. ONe morning, I get a message from Bryonne on Facebook. It was laughable at best. She said they had been seeing each other off and on, that he had positioned himself as a family with her and her son, blah blah blah. I didn't believe her, but I did have a problem with her contacting me. So of course I told him about the e-mail, but I told him my problem was that he seemed to still want to have some emotional connection to her. Why was it important to talk to her? Why was it important for her to not think he hated her? So, this caused a break down where he said he was not over her...still mad at her. I had known this for quite some time, but he would not confirm it. Again, I understood where he was coming from. I understood that he did not want to be with her, but it was frustrating to have been with someone that you gave so much too and feel like they didn't have to suffer like you. So, that incident, opened up a huge door of communication for us. He realized that I will take things personally if I don't know the source of the anger or discontentment, but just being honest about his feelings...I could listen. It didn't hurt me to hear him talk about how she made him feel, or how angry he was. He needed to get it out. Over and over again, he would say "I wish I would have known I could talk to you like this"

Then Anthony lost his job again. I was ECSTATIC!! See, every job turned into the same situation as GM. Hours he didn't like to work, place he wasn't comfortable with...and I just thought "This is God at work". I told him NOT to get another job. I told him he could move here or I would help him with his bills...but STAY AT HOME, work on his music. I talked to him about getting unemployment, understanding it wasn't a handout, and just focus 100% on his music. Soon after, he got an opportunity to work with an in-demand producer and they wanted him to come to LA! He was happy. I was happy for him and always praying and asking people to pray that this was the breakthrough he wanted and so much deserved.

Anthony was originally supposed to come here for Valentine's Day and to be here for Trey's birthday party, but he told me that Brian Kennedy was going to be in Kansas City. Well, I knew what the logical decision was. Although I wanted to see him...it made no sense for him to come here when Brian was THERE. So I told him that I wasn't going anywhere, he's welcome here anytime...but this was one of those things where we were going to have to be prepared for whatever opportunity presented itself.

The trip to LA did not go well. Anthony made some contacts, but it wasn't what he expected, he returned home early and decided to come here on the following Tuesday and stay through Sunday. I was ecstatic to see him, but I knew he needed some time to decompress and just relax.

Anthony got here on the 24th, and I wasn't surprised this time by the disconnect. I knew he wasn't happy. We talked and he told me about the trip, and he always seemed relieved that I knew where he was coming from. He got a dose of some "LA FOLKS" and I told him that I never understood why I had an opportunity to work in the industry for my short time in LA, but I was glad now because everything I told him was everything it was. He was discouraged, but I told him...every step is a STEP. Regardless of what direction-it is a STEP.

Fast forward to Thursday morning...

Anthony and I are laying on the couch, and I was a little concerned that he seemed very distant. In the last couple days I had noticed that if I got close to him he might flinch a little, or seemed reluctant to even hug me. So, as we lay on the couch I gave him his distance. He continually asked me what was wrong. Finally I told him how he was acting. Told him I didn't even feel like he wanted me to be around him. I asked him if he honestly needed some alone time I would leave him alone, but I would rather him tell me that than feel like he didn't even want to be affectionate or intimate with me. This again turned into a huge production. He told me he was tired of being told by ME that he was not enough. That he did little things like waited for me to eat, offered to fix things around the house, etc. and he felt like those things mattered too, not just being intimate and/or affectionate and if that's the only way I felt like he was connected to me it was a problem. At this point, he did make me realize I was being a little selfish. I told him that I had overlooked those little things, and based on how he was feeling I was sorry for making him feel that way. He said he was uncomfortable and wanted to go home. Now, I felt like this was a little much. He said he didn't want to break up, but he needed a break from everything and everyone and he just wanted to go home. So I told him, that if we are going to be together, he's not always going to be able to GO somewhere else. I offered to give him a couple hours to cool down and then we could continue with our week. He said NO, he wanted to go. Somewhere along the way it turned into a discussion of how he needed to get his life right because he didn't feel like the right doors were opening for him and he asked if we weren't together if we could be friends. Now, over the past couple days he had been saying things like this...and I asked him over and over again if he was trying to just push me away. He said that he just wanted to do things the right way, get closer to God, and wanted to know if I'd be there for him. He said I deserved more, that I had all of my life together and he just didn't even know why I would want to be with someone who had nothing to offer me. At that point, I felt like his mind was made up. I took him to the airport. I was devastated.

He texted me to tell me he was sorry. He asked if we could talk. At that point I felt like, you know-I DO deserve more BUT I have known what he was going through. But after you walk out on me? I wasn't sure what I could take anymore.

So, he called me at about 3:30 on Friday morning. He asked how I felt. And I told him that I had been existing in a one sided relationship, but I love him, and I knew things would get better so I didn't understand why he had to walk away. THEN, some issues of OLD started coming up. He basically said he didn't know if he could trust me.

Let me make a couple things plain here...I know this is long...bear with me. I am not ever going to pretend like I was innocent before this relationship. I think the mistake that I made is that I told Anthony EVERYTHING about how I used to be. I didn't realize that although it didn't bother me to hear about his past, it DID bother him. Now, there's only one real relevant incident I need to bring up here for you to understand his point of view, kind of. There was an incident that happened on my birthday that I thought we were past, but apparently we were not. There was a guy, that I had had previous relations with, (RELATIONS, not relationSHIP) that was at the club we were at. I had been with this guy over 6 years previous to that night. I had seen him from time to time and he had NEVER really tried to talk to me again. See, the thing about me when it came to men was that I did what I wanted to do. I did not pretend to be anybody's girlfriend, I made it very clear that my intentions were for ONE THING and that was it. Do not call me to chat, don't ask me to hang out...I had one purpose for men and I made that clear. So, there was never any clean break ups or anything like that. They stopped hearing from me, and they knew better than to call...so that was that. So, this guy gets in my face asking me to buy some raffle tickets. Then I realize he is REALLY in my face and I say "HEY...my boyfriend is over there". Even I realized that at this point it was too late. Now, maybe I shouldn't have told Anthony that this guy and I had had previous contact, but I had nothing to lie to him about.

This came up in our conversation about him trusting me. There was also ex-friends that still contacted me from time to time and I felt like I was telling them about my relationship and I was letting them know, but Anthony still felt like they were being disrespectful. He found an e-mail conversation between a friend of mine and me that he felt like he was being disrespectful. At the time I didn't feel that way, but I had to see it from his point of view. Then I realized that if Anthony felt disrespected, there was really no need for me to keep speaking to these people. So, for the ones I still had friendly conversations with, I cut all that. I never wanted to do anything where Anthony felt disrespected.

Then he kept bringing up the e-mail thing and I finally asked him how he could make that such a big deal when FIRST OF ALL, he was in my e-mail all the time. And SECOND OF ALL, if the signs weren't there, I wouldn't have even went there. I don't claim to be right, and I'm not trying to justify my actions...but I really wanted him to see-the SIGNS WERE THERE.

Then I asked him if he ever thought I cheated. He said "I don't know". That hurt me to my heart. I am not the same person I used to be. And if anybody should know that, I thought it would be him.

So I said, "Did you cheat on me".

"YES".

You could have told me a million things. But to tell me that Anthony had PHYSICALLY cheated on me...no. I would have NEVER expected that. He told me that around September/August he had given Courtney his number. That they had talked and gotten close and that he wished he could talk to me like he talked to her and that they had been intimate a few times.

So I asked if he loved her, and if he wanted to be with her. He said:

"I don't know".

And if my heart hadn't been broken enough, I can't explain to you how this made me feel. So...he is pleading with me to still be his friend because he doesn't want to lose me out of his life. Telling me how he wants to be closer to God, wants to fall in love again, wants to be happy again...and all I can hear is "I don't know". He said he was going to come clean with everybody, including her. I told him that if he wants to change his life, and move on-he has every right. I have said and will still say today that the worst thing you can ever do to anyone is stop believing that they can change. I told him that when he makes that decision, nobody has a right to remind you of who you were, because nobody knows better THAN you because nobody has to suffer for your decisions more than you. So I told him that knowing THAT, I could not fairly be his friend while loving him and wanting more. I told him that I would forgive him. That true forgiveness would come without any explanation from him, because I realize his explanation will never satisfy my heart.

We got off the phone and I texted him and told him that I had nothing else to say. I was his friend inside of the relationship...I didnt know how to be his friend with no relationship.

He texted me and told me that he left his camera. I knew I shouldn't, but I wanted to take anything of me off the camera. There, I found that on Valentine's day, he was NOT with Brian in the studio, he and his friends had rented a house and he took Courtney Baylis to a weekend getaway. He had texted me the whole weekend! Pulled off some dark picture where he looked so tired, supposed to be IN the studio. Called me-said he stepped out to just call me and tell me he loved me quickly before getting back to work-and now I realize the noise in the background was his FRIENDS!! On tape was a video conversation of him telling her that she was what he wanted for his life, but he knew it was going to get screwed up. I watched him touch her the way I longed to be touched, I watched him fawn all over her like he used to do with me. I watched him act the way he said he couldn't act because he couldn't get his life right. Then I told him that I saw it...he said he figured I would and that he wasn't mad.

My last text to him said this:
"Well I am. Don't ever tell me how great I am ever again. You've just added yourself to a long line of people who have told me in not so many words that for whatever reason I make it impossible to love me. That have undermined my intelligence and when I showed how in tune I am to other people's feelings and actions...tore ME down and made me feel like I was wrong...made me apologize and try to make up for my shortcomings...and YOU had me praying to be God to be the woman of God I needed to be, to be the best woman, wife, mother I could be. Begging God to fix ME. The difference is I knew what to expect from them and I gave them almost NOTHING. I was proud for committing myself to you. Thankful for your love...felt blessed for the way our lives intertwined. I did nothing to ever betry you until the signs were there...and you tore me down and didn't trust ME? I thought it was different because neigher one of us had to go back to the way we used to be. And while I was praying and trying to support you and do everything you needed...you laid up with someone else and told her everything I wished I could hear. So thank you for proving that I will never be anything to anyone. And the stupidest shit of all is that I don't love you any less...would be willing to work though it...but you can't even say "No, I don't love her-I love you". So for all the peoplethat you wanted to hurt because they hurt you...her is your BIGGGGGGGGGGGGG Victory. you come clean...whoo hoo! Fresh new start. GOOD FOR YOU. I am not willing to ever love anybody else because that's what I want to give to you...you don't want it. So as I try to find the energy to even want to live right now...congrats on your new start. Like I said...I WON'T harp at you so I'm sorry for this last outburts. But don't try to make it seem like I was special. You aren't like the rest of them...nobody has ever hurt me like this. EVER. Don't Apologize, don't say anything. Just like they all shit on you, that's how I feel. I hope you get away from the poisonous people that have positioned themselves as your friends. You deserve better"

And that was it. I haven't heard another word. I feel so STUPID. Visiting him in Kansas City, putting groceries in the house, cooking him and his roommate dinners to last them for awhile, cleaning up and doing his clothes all because I just wanted him to relax. To show him that those were things for me to do while I was there. That all the times I was around him and his friends and really told him that it bothered me that his friends were always trying to bring up things to make him look bad-trying to encourage him to move away from that kind of HATE...he is just like them. So a friend said to me yesterday "The kinds of friends you have indicate the kind of person you are". How come I didn't see that? How come I didn't pick up on the fact that his willingness to always tell his friends to not settle down and to live their lives was in fact his own opinion of his life.

I don't believe he came clean with her at all. I believe that he moved me out of the way and expects to be happy with a woman who is still married. That although she is separated from her husband...she is not divorced. If he doesn't get it...oh well.

I love him with EVERYTHING that I have. I never cheated on him, I never did anything to betray him except for open a damn e-mail and NOW my suspicions have been confirmed? So for the last three or four months I have been trying to show him that I trust him and can be trusted and I have apologized for MY behavior everytime he ridiculed me for being untrustworthy when it was really just his GUILTY CONSCIENCE!!??

And...is this all I ever get. Every man-this is the end result. So how can I not wonder what I'm missing that would allow somebody to only love me. That would make just ME enough. Have I hurt so many people, have I made so many mistakes that this is what I actually deserve?

What else did he want from me? What else was I supposed to do?

And the part that kills me-is that for NINE YEARS, I have been meticulously careful with my child. Some of you know some or all of the details, but the relationship between him and his dad is better but still bruised. So knowing that he had one person in his life that ALWAYS hurts him regardless of if that is his intention or not...I did everything I could to protect him from having somebody else hurt him. I know that I don't know his path, I know that I can't protect him from everything...but this is on me. THIS is my fault-and I am so mad at Anthony for not thinking about my child. I look at his face and I feel like I failed him. How many times can you hurt a child that doesn't deserve anything but happiness? If for nothing else, I will never put him through this again.

I feel so empty. I am so hurt. I don't know how to move on from here. I am mad at myself for being this pitiful. I am mad at him for putting me through this. I don't have the energy, the SANITY to even fathom loving somebody else like this.

I wish I could go back to the Monica that NEVER wanted to be married. That NEVER depended on anybody but myself and God. I was TOTALLY FINE with being alone. And along the way even realized that using men was not getting me anywhere and knowing that I didn't want to be that way...I was STILL okay with just being by myself.

I love him SO much. And I am mad at myself for still holding on to that. For not being mad enough to just say to hell with it all and putting my head on straight and keep on going.

I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful for the people around me that won't let me fall, and I am so thankful to all of you for reminding me who I am...because I don't have ANY of that right now. I'm also thankful to all of you for embracing him, embracing US. Praying for him, helping him if I reached out to you...I appreciate what all of you were willing to do because of your friendship to me. I thank you for your words. Some of them stay with me...

"You are the woman he needs, but not the one he deserves". Thank you JR...that has stuck with me for a long time. Especially since this was your analysis way back when things started getting rough. I keep trying to tell myself that, but I can't help but wonder if he needs me, why he doesn't want me. And to me, he deserves the world.

"It's not your failure" Thanks KB...but how can I not feel like that. I'm here again-wondering what else I could have given, what else I could have done, how else I could have supported him to just be enough.

"Niggas have faithful problems". JM-Thank you. It just made me laugh...but you meant it, and I think for some people you are right.

So that is my story. I know this was long, and if you cared enough to read it all, I love you and I thank you for your friendship. I don't know how to stop loving someone when you love them like I love him. I don't know how to let go of wanting to be with someone when you wanted someone like I wanted him. I don't know how to imagine my life without him. I don't know how to stop hoping that he still wants me. I don't know how to stop wondering if he even cares about me at all.

But the Monica that is Monica loves ME more. I know that...I'm just trying to believe that. To be that. I am making it day to day.

I love him.

I miss him.

But I have got to know that I didn't deserve any of this. I just don't know that yet. I'm just being honest.

I'm trying...

It's Okay

2009-01-28T09:30:00.003-07:00

For all the times I've been hurt
All the things I've been through
I never wanted to be where I now stand
Inflicting pain and hurt on you.

I know what it's like to be used
to be taken for what I do and don't have
to be left without a fleeting thought
fo feel like I'm only good for what I give

I know how it feels when they all laugh and live
to feel like the world is passing me by
Trying to figure out where I fit in to it all
Wondering when I lost control of my life

I gave over and over to prove who I was
To somehow give "THINGS" as a symbol of love
to hopefully show my love in real magnitude
to hopefully be able to show who I was

And all that I gave is ALL that I lost
And it seemed I could get nothing back
While they got to enjoy what I gave
And on me? They turned their backs

My misery seemed to amuse them
my suffering seemed to be a mockery
and all that I gave of me-thrown right away
And it seemed the only person I had was me

So I turned my back on everybody
They turned their backs on me!
I had a right to be mad at all of them
Look what they did to me!

Nobody appreciated who I was
Nobody saw what I tried to do
And now, in my worst realization-
I've been "them" to you.

The anger helped me in the moment
But that didn't last for long
It shielded the most important thing
"They" didn't get me. I am strong.

So when I was down to nothing
I had to show myself who I was
I had to embrace all of those good things
Realize what I was really made of

And now you are reduced to that loneliness
To the emptiness where there should be life
And I have added to that pain
that rips through your soul like ice.

I too, once gave up on people
because they did nothing at all for me
because they took all I had to offer
And when I needed them, I only had me

Then I lashed out at them
They deserved to feel my wrath
They needed to know how much I gave of me
I wanted them to give SOMETHING back.

Some basically laughed right in my face
Scoffed and called it overreacting
They showed me what my need for them was
They didn't deserve anymore-ANYTHING-not from me.

Some had no idea of the anger I had inside
Seemed surprised I even had emotion so strong
Some declared they didn't ask for what I did
Accepted all of it-but now acted like I was wrong.

And then, a few TRUE friends, who listened to my rage
Offered an honest and sincere apology
Who honestly felt bad for taking me for granted
But promised to try to give back equally

You see-I know what it's like to be surrounded
But stand in the midst all alone
To look around and watch others move on
To stand-because I'm stuck in a hole.

I have held "them" in the back of my head
And tried to give you that same love-all of my heart
But all that I tried to give means nothing now
I tried. I failed. I fell apart.

But if I had never given to them
It would be impossible to give love to you
because I thought I could give you all that and more
I thought there was so much that I could do.

I failed you-it kills me through and through
I wanted to love you so differently
I wanted to give you more than I had-
I just pray that you accept my apology.

You're the last person I would ever want to hurt
You deserve the world and more
And because I haven't proven myself
If I have to-I will let you go.

It IS okay to get over all your hurt
It IS okay to be who you are
I will always be here, with all of my love
No matter the distance-I'll never be far.

But if you can find it in your heart
to let me try it again
I will love you for all that you are
Together we'll figure it out. We will live.

Please don't put limits on me-
I'm ready for whatever may come
And if I haven't said it enough
My life has been changed by your love

I love you-and I will let you go
If you desire and need to be free
I would wait a lifetime
You will always have me

And if I'm not the one for you
And you should find the one who is
She's the one who can give you all the world
Who brings you back to life again

I may not have the world to give
But I'm willing to give you my world
I'm willing to TRY to be that woman you need
And hopefully add another boy and two little girls :-)

I've held so much in-unfairly at your expense
BecauseI'm not sure now you know how I feel
I gave what I thought was all of me
To me-this is it. THIS is real.

I'm sorry for letting you down
This is not how I wanted it to be.
I see the amazing man that you are
And I thank you for loving me.

I see who you are, I know your heart
And you WILL make all of your dreams come true
Whatever it is you need or decide-I am here.
I'll never turn my back on you.

It's hard to bring this to an end
It seems impossible to say-
Whatever you have to do-I'm here
I'm not leaving-but whatever you do. It's OKAY.

I Can Go On Now

2009-01-28T09:09:00.003-07:00

I'm not sure how to place the words
so that I can paint the story
of how I feel.

My heart-ripping in silent screams
But with the pain
Comes relief-so real.

The revelation. The TRUTH. Deafening.
I can't turn away
It's right in my face

I can't even grasp what has kept me
HERE. So Obviously-WRONG
So out of place.

Over and over-mistakes I have made
And I let you be my judge
the final word, yours.

Even if I hurt you in the process
It is only God's wrath I fear
Not you. Not anymore.

I let your expectations predict my actions
I let myself fail-but
the fault? It's mine.

I stood in the shadow you cast
over me-over my life
I've got to go. Now it is time.

I've held myself back. I've let myself down.
And as hard as I thought
I fought. I let you win.

I played the bad guy. Your villain.
Your excuse. YOU COWARD.
Not anymore. NEVER again.

Unlike you-I still see God in this plan
in trying to destroy me
HE didn't let me go

He gave me another chance to be me
You don't see his mercy
You don't even know!

The things you try to place on me
that Ugliness-it's not me.
Look. LOOK. It's YOU

I just followed the poor example
The immaturity, selfishness
Not me. NOT ME. YOU!!

No more heaviness in my heart
my soul-I'm setting it free.
You have no control.

Face your own demons. Fight your OWN self.
I've got to fly away
You can't use me. NO MORE.

Blood ties us together...but love??
Not from you. That's NOT
what you have given or shown

It is what has made me feel bound
You have had my love, respect-
And I thought you had GROWN.

I will love you and forgive you
because-you AREN'T in control
I am now-NOT YOU.

I will believe you can change
Your ways. Your heart.
Everything you do.

My energy. My passion. My heart.
You have had it.
I have had ENOUGH.

Thank you for the strength. Understanding.
Of what I have endured.
Thank you SO much.

All the while I thought it was over
God still had a lesson
For ME. In YOUR ugliness

I still didn't allow him to reveal
Opportunities. I let go.
of MY happiness.

I see it now-Oh THANK YOU GOD
I know where I can go
I know what to do.

Who are YOU going to hold down now?
There is no one to punish
YOU have to deal with YOU.

May God bless you in your journey
as he deals with ALL OF YOU
All of YOUR "things"

I'll pray for your strength
Pray for Your Soul
I don't need YOU to pray for me.

I have everything, everyone I
could ever need
Not you-go your way please

Thank you for the clarity
Thank for for the strength
I can go on now-
You don't get to stand in my way.

Good-bye to hurt, pain, shame.
Hello to life renewed.
I can go on now-
I'm over it. I'm PAST YOU.

I cannot remove you from my life
But I can move my life from you
I can go on now-
Good-by to what you tried to do.

Now you have to deal with you.

I'm going on now-will you move on too?

You don't have to-
I can go on now.

Do whatever you need to do.

And if you decide to stay-
I can go on now.

Do it your way.

Yesterday was yours, maybe also today-
I can go on now.

Tomorrow is mine. MY way.

No hard feelings, no regrets-
I can go on now

And what you deserve-YOU WILL GET.

I can go on now.
Good-bye.

I can go on now.

1/27/2008
MAH
8:43 PM

Ecstasy

2009-01-27T11:50:00.000-07:00

Ecstasy has replaced the fantasies
Fantasies have become the reality
Of the fusion of our bodies
As our souls are laced
In the strongest
Concentrated
Substance
That our love dissolves with ease

My body becomes one with your body
Your body is my sanctuary
Adulterated by my lust
Beautifully tainted
by my passion that
Devours
Ravages
Your being while drowning you in this sea of erotic love

As you beat the rhythm into my thighs
You send the pounding pulse inside
And my moans become the screams
That translate your melody
Into my harmony
Bridging the
Arch
That contorts my body to the beat of your drum

As the sweat pours over your beautiful face
As the sweet sap pours out of my place
My pleasure is so intense
As your tongue tastes the
Nectar that
Overflows
Engulfs
And immerses you in the pond of my pleasure

And as I talk to your body with my tongue
And take you into my mouth as I wait
For an eruption from my indulgence
To free your urgency
On my flesh
In my flesh
Swallowed
With the thirst that can only be satisfied by YOU

You grab my hips with the hands
That will pierce my flesh with pain
As you satisfy my craving
To be punished
Chastised
Overpowered
Asphyxiated
By the tempestuous passion that hurts so good

And then my screams surge to deafening clamor
And the intensity of your pulse accelerates into one beat
The slapping of our skins is muted
As the enchantment begins to
Suffocate
Intoxicate
Entrance
Our bodies into delectable satisfaction

You are inside me and you are inside me
I am around you and and I am through you
We are connected in physicality
Consummated in our love
Hypnotized
Mesmerized
Captivated
And entranced by the lust that will not be controlled.

Our fantasy is in our ecstasy
Our reality is a fantasy
Of the fusion of our lives
As we entangle our desires
Completely
Entirely
Savagely
In the beauty of our vicious eroticism.

Beat me with your deepest desires
Execute me from the inside out
Let me retaliate with my warmth
Let me wreak havoc with my hips
Molest me
Lick me
Punish me
FUCK ME into oblivious, pleasurable, suffocating SILENCE.

10/22/2008, MAH

Nothing Personal...

2009-01-26T15:07:00.002-07:00

So again, I am in the dark...in silence...being ignored.

However, it's a lot more clear to me this time.

We've had conversations about past hurt...past relationships, just getting through and over the things that haunt you from your past.

I know where he's at. I remember how helpless I felt when I didn't know if my life was going this way or that, up or down. I rejected help and masked my own confusion and hurt with the illusion that I had it all together and I was FINE. There was nothing worse for me than thinking those exact people who had got me down were doing better than me and there was no way that I would let them see how much I was really suffering.

In hindsight, my over-reactiveness to my own situation should have shown how out of control I really was to anybody that truly cared. And those people that reveled in my misery, that got joy out of my pain-I learned how to weed them out and throw them away. It is a process.

In the midst, I am still always thinking of how he prides himself on being fair, nice, caring to those who have hurt him because I really have to wonder how it is that I can't get those same basic respects? I start to feel bad for the things that I couldn't do for him...but then I realize I didn't have to DO anything.

Does he appreciate who I am? Does he know the support and love that I have to offer?

I don't know.

He said I take things too personally, but this-I am not going to take personal. I have got to keep it moving because part of me thinks that his necessity to feel needed would be in me having a breakdown of sorts because I can't talk to him, because there is no communication.

I know him so much better than I sometimes think he knows himself. He claims to hate these games, but it is THE games that he still plays with those he wants to have control over that is hurting him now. That inner urge to want to know that you can control somebody by the emotions that they have for you because they have somehow hurt you in some way. The necessity to be needed without the knowledge of knowing that being needed by THOSE people is exactly what keeps you down.

I have felt TERRIBLE for getting my wallet stolen, being unable to provide for him as I said I could and SHOULD be able to...then I have to step back and realize that maybe these things are not going wrong because of ME-maybe it's his lesson.

So I'm stepping back-but I have got to continue to be the woman I am. A friend said "You are the woman he needs, but not the one he deserves".

He deserves everything he has coming to him, good and bad-that's out of my control.

All I have to offer is unconditional love, unwavering support, and a steadiness I'm not sure he is used to. It's his to have, but I can't force feed it down his throat. I let him know I am here and not going anywhere and that is all I can and will do.

Nothing personal.

Inaugural Address-Barack Obama 1/20/2009

2009-01-20T10:56:00.001-07:00

My fellow citizens:
I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.
Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.
So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.
That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.
These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land -- a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.
On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.
On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.
We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.
In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted -- for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.
For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.
For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.
For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.
Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.
This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.
For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act -- not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.
Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions -- who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.
What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works -- whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account -- to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day -- because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.
Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control -- and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.
As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.
Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.
We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort -- even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.
For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.
To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.
To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.
As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment -- a moment that will define a generation -- it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.
For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.
Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.
This is the price and the promise of citizenship.
This is the source of our confidence -- the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.
This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed -- why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.
So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:
"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."
America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

America-United at Last

2009-01-20T10:23:00.003-07:00

Moments ago, Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th and FIRST Black President of the United States of America.

"A hand raised, a nation lifted" is the caption on CNN.

Fitting.

My heart is so full it is hard to coherently place my thoughts together. First of all, God has moved. He has moved across a nation, across color lines, across hearts...across and through every barrier that ever presented itself.

This is a day that no person of any race ever thought would arrive. We hoped. In the back our minds, we hoped that one day something like this would happen-but all of us never thought we would live to see the day.

Today, as my heart is full...I thank every single person who fought to make this day possible. Every slave that got whipped without reprieve, without condolence, without justice-your wounds have been busted open today and the pain and hurt has been pushed away by victory.

For every person denied any human right because of the color of their skin, that hate today is pushed out by love. By hope. By the faith that you counted on and now you can SEE.

For everyone who has ever had a dream deemed impossible, today-you should feel unstoppable. You should feel like you have been set free to do whatever it is that you are supposed to do knowing that if it is your time, your place, your THING-God will move in an amazing way and make the impossible POSSIBLE and REAL.

The responsibility of being President is the most important job in this country...but we now stand up for a leader who looks us back firmly in the eyes and says that we are just as important. That showed us that every vote counts, every life matters, every prayer lifted him to where he is and looks back and says THANK YOU.

Behind him we stand strong. We stand confidently and dare any enemy to attack our UNITED STATES. We trust him to do what is almost impossible and he gained that trust from simply giving us hope. Showing us progress. And handing out faith by action and hope by love. Change is such a simple word, but it means more today than any words could ever give it justice.

Today I don't want to be just African American, I'm not just proud because I'm in the Democratic party...I am an American. I am an American that stood with my American brothers and sisters and demanded change, jumped head-first into progress, jump-started my faith into action and God has answered.

The 44th President has UNITED these states of America and the state OF America. And as he starts on this journey that shows no sign of being easy, even possible at all...I'm not worried. He has already done what we thought was the impossible once. And I am confident he will do it over and over again.

For anybody that needed for God to show himself, He has done it for you. And if you don't see him-then it's a YOU issue, not God's issue.

Thank you God for your grace, your continued mercy, and your eternal love.

Praise God.

We are lifted.

We are United.

At last.

My Formal De-Introduction

2009-01-19T15:43:00.008-07:00

Miss B.C.,

You don't get the pleasure of actually reading this probably ever-but you will be used here on my blog as an example of what happens to all no-good jumpoffs, women with no sense, girls in desperate need of some kind of attention-for me and my fellow friends to laugh at you and place you where you need to be-back THERE.

Thank you SO MUCH for trying to formally introduce yourself to me on Facebook. Before I start, let me give you one word of advice-when you are trying to come off as being the "better person" you might try picking somebody you can be better than.

You know, because I've been exposed to your level of simplicity-I know where you expected this to go. You expected to send me a note with all kinds of information about MY man, with all kinds of facts you just knew I was going to just be appalled at and terribly upset. Well, much to YOUR dismay...I was absolutely amused. You see-when you have a real relationship with a real man there are no secrets between you. You actually lasted for a lot longer than the both of us had predicted for you in terms of you contacting me.

Seems to me that you think that you can make up facts, falsify stories, and play with people's lives. Then throw judgment at somebody and hide behind being a "Christian" so it doesn't seem so black and white. Well, B, everything is black and white. You just aren't grown enough to know that yet. You see, the things you tried to throw out about me to try to underhandedly demean who I am mean NOTHING to me. It is people like YOU that I thrive off of. It is people like you that remind me that there are still many trying to just be as good as me.

Now let me do you a favor, woman to woman. It is YOU that knew about ME. Do I know about you? Yes. Do I know what kind of person you are? Yes. Do I understand what kind of relationship the two of you had? Yes. Do you understand? NO.

Honey, you were a jumpoff. You were a jumpoff that was manipulated into looking like a girlfriend, but all the while, your actions, your life, just YOU show your true potential. Jump-off through and through. I won't even call you a whore, prostitute, or HO, because they all get paid for what they do. You gave your best jump-off community service. Offered all the benefits of a girlfriend while any man worth anything used you for that, but found a real woman of substance. Now you don't always have to be a jump-off. I believe we all have potential, but it seems to me that you like where you stand.

I'm not mad at you. I'd be just as foolish AS you for being upset WITH you. I do not THINK you tried to interfere with our relationship, I KNOW you have done everything you could think of to end it.

It takes two people to be stupid. I refuse to participate with you. You may continue to be an idiot all by yourself. I wish you the best, after all-you do have a son to live for. So remember THAT before you start sending childish notes about being a known jumpoff that got irresponsible with her business. You should never contact me or any woman LIKE me, because on your best day-you will NEVER be the woman I WAS in my worst hour.

Keep pushing-I look forward to always being the goal of who you wish to be.

Wishes do sometimes come true, but as long as I am me-you will ONLY be B.

Sorry.

Change...

2009-01-14T14:29:00.003-07:00

In my own words...the worst thing you can ever do to anybody is to stop believing that they can change. The worst thing you can do to yourself is to stop trying.

I believe that for the most part I have given more people than I should the benefit of this doubt. Time and again, it is the people closest to me that show they aren't capable or they don't want to try.

Times have changed. There was a day when all that criticism would have hurt me, stayed with me, made me look down on myself...Sorry. Not anymore.

You can stand in my face and assume that I have done anything your little head can come up with. But I no longer cower down and try to explain why you are wrong about me. I don't care. I am human, I make human mistakes. And like all humans-I fix my mistakes and live with the consequences.

You can look down your nose at who I am, but no longer am I trying to stand up to who I'm trying to be. I know who I am, and if you can't see it, it is because you can not see past the flaws in yourself.

You can try to put me down, but no longer do I try to prove that I'm still on my way up. I won't be your scapegoat. I won't be the person you can always count on to look down and feel better about yourself. I won't give you the satisfaction of accepting defeat, because you can not defeat me. You would have to be stronger than me to do that-and not one of you has that. NOT ONE.

You can not make me who I am by what you think.

You can not make me who I am by what you think you KNOW.

You can not make me who I am by what you think you KNOW about ME.

And as long as you continue to think that I have not changed, it is really you that I have left behind because I never held you to any standard. I only apologized for not being all I could be when really-all I was doing was allowing you to control my opinion of my OWN SELF.

Whatever you see in me, you only recognize it because it is in YOU.

For as long as you try to put me down, that is as long as you are trying to still feel good about you.

I will not stop believing that you can change.

And I will not stop changing for your benefit. If you don't get better, that is on you.

If you don't try harder, that is on you.

If you don't change, that is YOUR choice-not my doing.

So to my mother,
father,
sister...

You can't put me down any longer because I'm not there for you to control.

The faults that you try to place on me are your own and then you beg for my patience, strength, and understanding to help you in your life. I give it freely without judgement, and I give you all love unselfishly wanting NOTHING from you in return. But-I refuse to be held back by a closed mind, a judgemental attitude, and your inability to see me for who I am because of your own insecurities.

I made my own choices, I suffered my own consequences.

And I have suffered ENOUGH.

You are my blood...but you don't possess the blood that gives me renewed life, renewed spirit, renewed faith.

You are my family...but I don't have to accept what you have to offer.

You are not my friends.

The changes keep coming in me...

What will you decide to do?

So I am sorry if you feel like I am being disagreeable in your eyes. In my eyes, you are being ridiculous.

I am sorry if you feel like I haven't done all the things I should have. In my shoes, you would have known the path that I have walked has not been easy-but I didn't stop. Not even when YOU gave up on me.

I am sorry if you don't agree with my ways. In my life, your ways will get me nowhere but to where you ARE. It's not my goal to be miserable. It's not my goal to be unhappy. It is not my goal to accept where I am and stay there.

So as I ascend on my upward path, I hope you will ascend up yours and not stand in the crossways of all that life has to offer you and sink in the quicksand of judgement of others and hate that fills you. Strong words for you? The truth is always a force to be reckoned with.

And it is not that I don't see your point of view...it is that I am so far past where you are it is impossible for me to care about your journey because then I can't get ahead in mine.

I know that this might be hard for you to understand because for many years, you've been able to stop me right in my tracks.

I'm not a follower, and I don't expect to be YOUR leader. But my life is mine. I am responsible for it, and I know that you don't want the burden of knowing you held me back.

Fortunately for you, you don't get that much credit from me. I forgive all of you, but I don't forget the pain inflicted on my heart because of the incompleteness in yours. Don't worry, I'm not mad about it, it has made me stronger. So thank you for my STRENGTH, and that is all the thanks you get from me.

Change will happen...

You can either get with it or let it pass you by.

I believe you CAN change.

Will you? Don't give up on yourself, I believe you can do it.

As for me, I will not ever stop trying to change for what I believe is better for me and my family...

MY family, not you.

And if you do not understand my words...it's okay.

You don't have to understand me...just know that I understand every simple thing about you.

Change.

It is what YOU need.

Not what I require. Unlike you, I accept you for who you are.

And I learn what NOT to be.

Change.

I'm still changing.

Don't focus on my change-concentrate on yours.

Change.

The love will never change-
but...
Can you change the love?

Change...

To my Grandmother...

2009-01-07T10:38:00.004-07:00

For my whole life, I have wanted nothing more than to sit in your presence. To know the woman who has endured so much, has fought so hard, who sacrificed so many things, who ended up with so much.

You gave me one of the greatest gifts I have ever known and will ever know, my mother. Her words of wisdom from you, stay with me. Her anecdotes of her childhood with you have taught me lessons in my life. Her stories of your struggles put mine into minute perspective. Her admiration and adoration of you makes me love you all the more because she is a woman that I admire more than anybody-so to know the person that she loves so much would be an honor.

I am praying for you. I am hoping that although you have never touched my face or held my hand that you know that I am with you and holding you in my heart. I am hoping that even though you don't know my childhood, my life, or anything about me, you know that I love you because you are part of me. The strength that my mother has, the perseverence, the support she shows, the patience, the long-suffering but always ever present love comes from you and I love you for that. I could only be so blessed and honored to know the woman that my mother gives all the credit to, because I can't imagine there being anybody else as great as she in this world, but I know there is you.

I have heard stories of your sense of humor, your stubbornness, your will to live, your persistence to survive, and your unwavering faith. I see it in my mother. I hope that I have it too.

The sacrifices you have made for your children is reflected in the love, support, and respect they have for you. I hope it is reflected in that respect that I have for you too because I can only hope that if faced with the obstacles that you have faced that I could look them in the eye, stare right back, and never back down like you did.

Even though your presence and my being have never met, I am inspired by your will to live every moment. I am inspired by your zest for life at all times. I am overwhelmed by the love that you so freely give and share. I am awed by the forgiveness I know is in you. I am motivated by the example that you have set as a mother, a wife, a friend...and my grandmother.

I don't know you, but I know you. The hurt you have endured equals strength in your daughters, courage inside of me, and faith in my own child. Your story lives in my heart. Your life is precious to me. Your example is one I could only hope to obtain, and I promise you to keep trying.

I promise you that I will honor my mother as she has honored you. I will love her with all the love that any child could possibly give to a mother. I have hurt her, I have disappointed her, and I have not been all that I could be-but she loved me anyway. I have failed, I have fallen, I have been so low I didn't know which way was up, until she picked me up. I have given up on myself, and she believed in me anyway. She has so much love, so much faith, so much understanding...she has made you so proud.

And now, I believe you are on a journey to meet our Heavenly Father where you can live as freely as you wish in the kingdom of Heaven. My heart aches only because while you were an angel on earth-I never had the opportunity to meet you. I know your heart-I see her everyday.

I don't know you, but I know you.
I've never seen you, but I see you.

But, I have always loved you. I always will.

Stay strong grandmother...she is coming home, and she brings with her a piece of all of us. I hope you take it with you and know that we cherish you, we love you, and we will meet you one day.

I pray for your strength.
I pray for your health.
I pray for you, always.

But if God sees fit to lead you home, I know it is his will, it his way, and I will not doubt it.

I will rejoice through my tears.
We will lift each other up through our pain.
We will bring this family together one day-I promise.

And if it is his will that you ascend into the heavens...
You will then know my heart.
You will then know my love.
You will then know me.

You showed her love.
She has given it to us.
I am offering it back to you.

Thank you.

She's not here anymore...

2009-01-06T08:31:00.002-07:00

Life is full of ups and downs.

I started this blog as my heart, my soul, my total being was in turmoil.

Somehow, things rectified themself and I got back the one thing I was the most sure about ever in my life. Things have been good, but not easy.

So, I am at a point again where I'm just waiting to be told that I'm "not it", except for this time...I won't fall apart and I am hoping and praying it doesn't come to this. I know what it's like to be at a point where you don't know how life got to be where it is and you don't know where it's going. I know what it's like to lay down and wish you could sleep until your problems had somehow managed to fix themselves. I know what it's like to feel like life is handling YOU and you are not handling it.

I'm pushing too hard. Pushing too hard to save him from hurt, stress, and unnecessary anxiety in MY eyes. But it's not my life. I think I forgot so quickly that he always said he just wanted me to be "there". We progressed from this, but I see everytime things get hard-we will go back to this.

I don't deserve to be reminded of everything that he's done for me in what seems like resentment. I refuse to even make a list of all the things I have done for him because I did them because I love him, because I wanted to, and I expect NOTHING in return for what has been given out of love. But-just like the rest of them-what I did before is what I DID.

That selfish woman that protected her heart...
That selfish woman that hurt others to prevent hurting herself...
That selfish woman who only took regard to her own personal wants and needs...
That selfish woman who did things behind backs for her own personal satisfaction...
That selfish woman who took so much to only give it back in ire...

She's not here anymore.

I don't have to prove it...it can be seen.

"You are the woman he needs, but not the one he deserves"...

From a friend on the outside looking in.

He deserves everything that I have to offer him, that is my choice. But he doesn't want to need it. I'm here, I have proven that. I'm not going anywhere I have shown that.

And if my past is all that he can see, it's probably very likely that his own past is holding him back too.

I pray for him.
I pray for me.
I pray for us.

I don't hope that things will get better, I know they will.

He has a great calling on his life and I believe in him so much. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

I acted out of character, I allowed myself to be tested, because even I forgot...She's not here anymore.

Change we DO believe in

2008-10-28T09:26:00.002-06:00

I believe that we are one week away from the most historic election that will EVER be written about in the history books.

The other day I was talking to my son and mentioned "IF Barack wins..." to which he reminded me, words have power. "WHEN BARACK WINS"

From the mouths of babes...

So I just had to put it in my own writing. I'm going to see Michelle Obama speak tonight. I can only imagine how proud I am going to be to see my first lady with her head held up high. A new, shining, PERFECT example to every young woman about what we WILL be, not what we can be.

Change.

That word has touched my heart in ways that I can't understand, because those six letters stand for so much.

It is not change that we CAN believe in.

It is change that I DO believe in.

Energizing Exhaustion

2008-10-28T08:09:00.002-06:00

On a normal day to day basis, I fit in the events of five days into one.

On a normal day to day basis, I sleep about 2 to 6 hours and function just fine from one extreme to another.

On a normal day to day basis, I'm as sharp as a tack mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Today? I'm trying to energize my exhaustion.

Every once in a while, about every 6 months I'd say-I have to take an opportunity to catch up to myself. During this time, I realize I am HUMAN. I realize that all the while I didn't think I was actually doing THAT much I was in reality doing TOO much, as always.

I'm the ear for many mouths. I'm the shoulder for many that need someone to lean on. I'm the motivation for those that can't seem to find it. I'm the resource for the unresourceful...and when I need some time, some space, some relaxation...I'm the only one who is providing that also!

It's hard to lack the ability to let go and unleash all that you "have" and just let it be. It's hard to find somebody who is not so wrapped up in their own things to make me feel like they genuinely care about my things. I don't complain hardly ever. I'm not tired hardly ever. But once in a while, it might be nice to feel like somebody wanted to be the ear for me too. It'd be nice for someone to say "How are you" and then actually listen and not interrupt me with personal interjections or put me on hold for their life since mine seems so unimportant to them.

Then...I come back to reality. That's my role. People don't know how to be there for me when I need them...cause I just don't hardly ever need that. So, I have to energize my exhaustion, look in the mirror, and realize THAT is who is listening to me. Me.

It would be unfair of me to have hard feelings about people surrounding me not being there for me in a bigger way, when I only allow it maybe once a year. I have to be real with myself and realize that everybody can't get on MY schedule.

So, in my exhaustion-I'll find a way to create some energy. I'll open up my ears, dust my shoulder off, and keep on moving the way I always do.

Maybe I'll start taking some time to myself, FOR myself.

We'll see.

In 6 months.

The crazy nation of ARBONNE!

2008-10-06T15:12:00.001-06:00

Want to see why else I have been SOOOOOOOO busy?

Check it out:

http://ourbonnenation.blogspot.com

And Boy DID God move...

2008-10-03T11:59:00.001-06:00

Funny that my last post was about just how God moves.

Listen...God moved all up and through my life...and things with the MR. and I are not back to normal...they are better than ever!

I did not forget about this blog...I have written everyday and I have alot of things that just need to be published!!!

Now, it was private for a few days...but that was due to some unwanted visitors I didn't want here.

CHeck back with me...

I got some stuff for you-I just need a chance to get it up!

When God Moves

2008-08-28T15:04:00.003-06:00

In the midst of dealing with the cards that you think life has dealt you, God has a way of moving things in and out of perspective.

Today, I received another text from Mr. But it's not a text I would have EVER wanted to receive.

"Hey folks my dad is gonna have to have emergency open heart surgery due to a torn artery...Keep my fam in prayer"

Then:

"Okay at the moment my father had a heart catheterization. He had blockage in a few arteries and a tear in one which would have resulted in open heart surgery. They called the surgeon but he was in surgery with another patient...Thus they put two stints in the arteries and will continue to monitor him over the next 5 days. He is not out of the woods yet and open heart surgery is still very much an option...So keep us lifted!..."

When your heart falls, you can literally hear and feel the thud in your chest. I was overtaken with emotion, fear, and so I just moved into action like I do. I sent this prayer request to all the people that I know believe and can testify to the power of prayer. I took a moment and put everything else in my head to the side so that I could take a moment and just ask God to have his way and help us understand his will. To strengthen this man and to touch his body and help him to be well.

The butterflies have been dancing in my stomach ever since. It's not about me right now. It's about this family. I believe that God has been in their midst. Touching and healing the relationships. Giving understanding to past situations and giving motivation for current relationships. In the family-not outside, but in the family. Today, it occurred to me while I was in prayer that none of this has been about me. The whole thing has been about Mr., and that's why it was so hard for me to understand.

Did God move me out of the way so that he could work in this family? Has he kept my heart so close and full because I do have a place, just not a time right now? Has he built me up in his word, in my faith, in his will because I wasn't where I needed to be? I can only think that I have these questions because God put them on my heart.

I can not imagine the pain and turmoil that his mom is going through, any of them. But I do know that they know that God is at work. What an awesome accomplishment for a man to have led his family to God first and to know that in the midst of whatever falls before them, God will lead them around it. God will guide them. God will never let them down. I know that they know that.

I have prayed for restoration in their marriage for a long time. I have witnessed the love that they have for each other. You can't fake that. I have been praying for this for so long because I thought Mr. needed something to believe in. I thought he needed to see that they could work it through so he wouldn't have such hard feelings about it. I wanted something to believe in too. Everybody has problems, no relationship is perfect, and every relationship is work. And it has occurred to me that we should ALL know that based on the amount of work it has taken every one of us to get close to God, to stay close to God, to stay faithful, to remain obedient.

We have all failed at one time or another. But human nature makes us question ourself when we do it to others. I have sat here and prayed and prayed and prayed for his recovery. Thinking about what might happen to each one of them individually-then reminding myself to not even THINK that negativity or possibility into existence.

It doesn't feel like I'm praying for someone else's family. I feel like I'm praying for MY family. I may not know them all, but I love them all. Because of the man that MR. is, it made me respect each and every person IN his family. I always felt welcome, and although human nature lends us to doing, saying, or acting in ways that are not in line with what our beliefs are-I felt like I was part of that family. Mr. and I were so close in who WE were, I felt like they were part of me, too.

I'm praying for them. Any thoughts that cloud any one of their minds about what they could have done or said, I'm asking God to take that away. Take away any guilt, any nervousness, any anxiety, any sadness. Take it all away and replace it with the confidence and understanding that God will hand each one of them a victory when this is all said and done. I'm praying for strength, for understanding, for increased faith where it starts to falter.

God has moved and showed me that even where I thought I was weak, I'm still strong in HIM. It is God who strengthens me and gives me wisdom. Who continually shows me how blessed I am, continually shows me that he is working, continually lightens the darkness that I struggle with from day to day.

If you are reading this-I'm asking you to pray for Mr., his father, and his family.

God is moving, there is no doubt about that. Because when he moves, we ALL feel it.

God is moving now.

He is always moving, it is just our choice to move on our own...

or move WITH him.

Thanks and I'm OK

2008-08-28T08:30:00.004-06:00

This is the response I got.

I sent him a short e-mail just because I wanted to reach out to him and let him know I am still here. This was the response.

To this I just responded "ok"

And he asked "How are you?"

My response:

:-). I'm glad you are okay

Mr.: How are you?
Me: Easy question...but not an easy answer. I just wanted you to know I'm here and I love you. That's all.
Mr.: I'm sorry
Me: Don't be. Everything I said is exactly what I wanted you to know. That is all. I didn't mean to interfere or bother you-I know your heart. I just want you to be happy. Really.

And after a couple minutes I added:
"And I didn't want you to think I am angry. That is all...now really :-)

Mr.: I see

And that is it.

One simple conversation. An unbelievable amount of feelings. An unbearable amount of confusion. An unspeakable amount of pain.

At least he didn't come back and just say "Yeah, don't contact me".

At least he cares how I am doing.
What was I supposed to say? I'm heartbroken. Confused. Sad. Upset. Hurt. And still in love with you? And even the few words I did say I play them over and over. Did I say too much? Did I not say enough? Did telling him that's all I had to say translate to him that I don't want to say anything else?

I do know his heart. I know that he never wishes to hurt other people, and I feel like that "I'm sorry"...that's it. He said he was sorry-so now he won't feel guilty about it.

Does he know what I'm going through? Does he know how bad my heart hurts? Does he know how scared I am that that is the last conversation we will ever have?

Or is he okay? Is he really okay?

I want him to be okay, but I really want him to be okay with ME.

This is so hard. I thought that talking to him would make things easier. I thought hearing from him would make me somehow feel better.

Instead, I have more questions now than I did before.

I'm more hurt now than I was before.

And for as long as I haven't cried...now I'm crying all over again.

For as long as my stomach hasn't been flipping nervously...now I'm back to hardly being able to even hold water down.

And for as long as I thought I was getting better...my heart is broken all over again.

I make it from day to day just knowing that the next day will be better because I've gotten stronger. Today, I don't feel any stronger than I was yesterday.

Today-I am back HERE again.

"Thanks and I'm OK"

I am not okay.

I am a lot of things...okay is not one of them.

"No Way. No How. No McCain!"

2008-08-27T08:57:00.001-06:00

Following is the text of Hilary R. Clinton's speech given at the Democratic National convention. I am not a big Hilary fan at all, but I think it is of UTMOST importance that we all stay positive, prayerful, and optimistic about this time.

I am honored to be here tonight. A proud mother. A proud Democrat. A proud American. And a proud supporter of Barack Obama.

My friends, it is time to take back the country we love.

Whether you voted for me, or voted for Barack, the time is now to unite as a single party with a single purpose. We are on the same team, and none of us can sit on the sidelines.

This is a fight for the future. And it's a fight we must win.

I haven't spent the past 35 years in the trenches advocating for children, campaigning for universal health care, helping parents balance work and family, and fighting for women's rights at home and around the world ... to see another Republican in the White House squander the promise of our country and the hopes of our people.

And you haven't worked so hard over the last 18 months, or endured the last eight years, to suffer through more failed leadership.

No way. No how. No McCain.

Barack Obama is my candidate. And he must be our president.

Tonight we need to remember what a presidential election is really about. When the polls have closed, and the ads are finally off the air, it comes down to you — the American people, your lives, and your children's futures.

For me, it's been a privilege to meet you in your homes, your workplaces, and your communities. Your stories reminded me everyday that America's greatness is bound up in the lives of the American people — your hard work, your devotion to duty, your love for your children, and your determination to keep going, often in the face of enormous obstacles.

You taught me so much, you made me laugh, and ... you even made me cry. You allowed me to become part of your lives. And you became part of mine.

I will always remember the single mom who had adopted two kids with autism, didn't have health insurance and discovered she had cancer. But she greeted me with her bald head painted with my name on it and asked me to fight for health care.

I will always remember the young man in a Marine Corps T-shirt who waited months for medical care and said to me: "Take care of my buddies; a lot of them are still over there ... and then will you please help take care of me?"

I will always remember the boy who told me his mom worked for the minimum wage and that her employer had cut her hours. He said he just didn't know what his family was going to do.

I will always be grateful to everyone from all fifty states, Puerto Rico and the territories, who joined our campaign on behalf of all those people left out and left behind by the Bush Administration.

To my supporters, my champions — my sisterhood of the traveling pantsuits — from the bottom of my heart: Thank you.

You never gave in. You never gave up. And together we made history.

Along the way, America lost two great Democratic champions who would have been here with us tonight. One of our finest young leaders, Arkansas Democratic Party Chair, Bill Gwatney, who believed with all his heart that America and the South could be and should be Democratic from top to bottom.

And Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, a dear friend to many of us, a loving mother and courageous leader who never gave up her quest to make America fairer and smarter, stronger and better. Steadfast in her beliefs, a fighter of uncommon grace, she was an inspiration to me and to us all.

Our heart goes out to Stephanie's son, Mervyn, Jr., and Bill's wife, Rebecca, who traveled to Denver to join us at our convention.

Bill and Stephanie knew that after eight years of George Bush, people are hurting at home, and our standing has eroded around the world. We have a lot of work ahead.

Jobs lost, houses gone, falling wages, rising prices. The Supreme Court in a right-wing headlock and our government in partisan gridlock. The biggest deficit in our nation's history. Money borrowed from the Chinese to buy oil from the Saudis.

Putin and Georgia, Iraq and Iran.

I ran for president to renew the promise of America. To rebuild the middle class and sustain the American Dream, to provide the opportunity to work hard and have that work rewarded, to save for college, a home and retirement, to afford the gas and groceries and still have a little left over each month.

To promote a clean energy economy that will create millions of green collar jobs.

To create a health care system that is universal, high quality, and affordable so that parents no longer have to choose between care for themselves or their children or be stuck in dead end jobs simply to keep their insurance.

To create a world class education system and make college affordable again.

To fight for an America defined by deep and meaningful equality — from civil rights to labor rights, from women's rights to gay rights, from ending discrimination to promoting unionization to providing help for the most important job there is: caring for our families. To help every child live up to his or her God-given potential.

To make America once again a nation of immigrants and a nation of laws.

To bring fiscal sanity back to Washington and make our government an instrument of the public good, not of private plunder.

To restore America's standing in the world, to end the war in Iraq, bring our troops home and honor their service by caring for our veterans.

And to join with our allies to confront our shared challenges, from poverty and genocide to terrorism and global warming.

Most of all, I ran to stand up for all those who have been invisible to their government for eight long years.

Those are the reasons I ran for president. Those are the reasons I support Barack Obama. And those are the reasons you should too.

I want you to ask yourselves: Were you in this campaign just for me? Or were you in it for that young Marine and others like him? Were you in it for that mom struggling with cancer while raising her kids? Were you in it for that boy and his mom surviving on the minimum wage? Were you in it for all the people in this country who feel invisible?

We need leaders once again who can tap into that special blend of American confidence and optimism that has enabled generations before us to meet our toughest challenges. Leaders who can help us show ourselves and the world that with our ingenuity, creativity, and innovative spirit, there are no limits to what is possible in America.

This won't be easy. Progress never is. But it will be impossible if we don't fight to put a Democrat in the White House.

We need to elect Barack Obama because we need a President who understands that America can't compete in a global economy by padding the pockets of energy speculators, while ignoring the workers whose jobs have been shipped overseas. We need a president who understands that we can't solve the problems of global warming by giving windfall profits to the oil companies while ignoring opportunities to invest in new technologies that will build a green economy.

We need a President who understands that the genius of America has always depended on the strength and vitality of the middle class.

Barack Obama began his career fighting for workers displaced by the global economy. He built his campaign on a fundamental belief that change in this country must start from the ground up, not the top down. He knows government must be about "We the people" not "We the favored few."

And when Barack Obama is in the White House, he'll revitalize our economy, defend the working people of America, and meet the global challenges of our time. Democrats know how to do this. As I recall, President Clinton and the Democrats did it before. And President Obama and the Democrats will do it again.

He'll transform our energy agenda by creating millions of green jobs and building a new, clean energy future. He'll make sure that middle class families get the tax relief they deserve. And I can't wait to watch Barack Obama sign a health care plan into law that covers every single American.

Barack Obama will end the war in Iraq responsibly and bring our troops home _a first step to repairing our alliances around the world.

And he will have with him a terrific partner in Michelle Obama. Anyone who saw Michelle's speech last night knows she will be a great first lady for America.

Americans are also fortunate that Joe Biden will be at Barack Obama's side. He is a strong leader and a good man. He understands both the economic stresses here at home and the strategic challenges abroad. He is pragmatic, tough, and wise. And, of course, Joe will be supported by his wonderful wife, Jill.

They will be a great team for our country.

Now, John McCain is my colleague and my friend.

He has served our country with honor and courage.

But we don't need four more years ... of the last eight years.

More economic stagnation ... and less affordable health care.

More high gas prices ... and less alternative energy.

More jobs getting shipped overseas ... and fewer jobs created here.

More skyrocketing debt ... home foreclosures ... and mounting bills that are crushing our middle class families.

More war ... less diplomacy.

More of a government where the privileged come first ... and everyone else comes last.

John McCain says the economy is fundamentally sound. John McCain doesn't think that 47 million people without health insurance is a crisis. John McCain wants to privatize Social Security. And in 2008, he still thinks it's OK when women don't earn equal pay for equal work.

With an agenda like that, it makes sense that George Bush and John McCain will be together next week in the Twin Cities. Because these days they're awfully hard to tell apart.

America is still around after 232 years because we have risen to the challenge of every new time, changing to be faithful to our values of equal opportunity for all and the common good.

And I know what that can mean for every man, woman, and child in America. I'm a United States senator because in 1848 a group of courageous women and a few brave men gathered in Seneca Falls, New York, many traveling for days and nights, to participate in the first convention on women's rights in our history.

And so dawned a struggle for the right to vote that would last 72 years, handed down by mother to daughter to granddaughter — and a few sons and grandsons along the way.

These women and men looked into their daughters' eyes, imagined a fairer and freer world, and found the strength to fight. To rally and picket. To endure ridicule and harassment. To brave violence and jail.

And after so many decades — 88 years ago on this very day — the 19th amendment guaranteeing women the right to vote would be forever enshrined in our Constitution.

My mother was born before women could vote. But in this election my daughter got to vote for her mother for president.

This is the story of America. Of women and men who defy the odds and never give up.

How do we give this country back to them?

By following the example of a brave New Yorker, a woman who risked her life to shepherd slaves along the Underground Railroad.

And on that path to freedom, Harriet Tubman had one piece of advice.

If you hear the dogs, keep going.

If you see the torches in the woods, keep going.

If they're shouting after you, keep going.

Don't ever stop. Keep going.

If you want a taste of freedom, keep going.

Even in the darkest of moments, ordinary Americans have found the faith to keep going.

I've seen it in you. I've seen it in our teachers and firefighters, nurses and police officers, small business owners and union workers, the men and women of our military — you always keep going.

We are Americans. We're not big on quitting.

But remember, before we can keep going, we have to get going by electing Barack Obama president.

We don't have a moment to lose or a vote to spare.

Nothing less than the fate of our nation and the future of our children hang in the balance.

I want you to think about your children and grandchildren come election day. And think about the choices your parents and grandparents made that had such a big impact on your life and on the life of our nation.

We've got to ensure that the choice we make in this election honors the sacrifices of all who came before us, and will fill the lives of our children with possibility and hope.

That is our duty, to build that bright future, and to teach our children that in America there is no chasm too deep, no barrier too great — and no ceiling too high — for all who work hard, never back down, always keep going, have faith in God, in our country, and in each other.

Thank you so much. God bless America and Godspeed to you all.

Loving ME First

2008-08-26T14:59:00.003-06:00

The urge to contact him does not get weaker by the day. I think my strength to overcome that just gets stronger.

This is hard to explain. I remember having a conversation with him where he told me that although I wasn't serious about past boyfriends like I am about him, that if anything ever did happen to never go back to being like I was. I was very touched by his sentiment. I told him that although he can look at these guys like they were scoundrels, I was nothing to nod at either.

I mean, historically-I dropped any man that sniffed at being "in love" with me. And I could never understand why they even felt that way when I never gave them any notion that my feelings were headed that way. And Mr. told me that I was a beautiful person. That people can see who I really am no matter how I try to hide it. That I deserved so much more.

I appreciated that. I told him no one had ever told me that, and I wasn't lying. And after he said that, I had a new outlook on it...because nobody should have to tell YOU how great YOU are. You should know it for yourself. Easier said than done? Of course. At the time, I was just so thankful that he really articulated this for me. It was very special to me.

At that time, I never expected to be here. Wondering why and how he could treat me like this. A two minute conversation and then nothing to follow it up with, just a multitude of questions that have not been answered and pain I could have never imagined existed.

To be honest, in some ways I may deserve this. This is EXACTLY what I did to him two years ago. But...things were not going well. It wasn't just a small argument and then I snapped and just told him "You just don't cut it homeboy!" If memory serves me correctly, I don't think I called after that...but prior to me telling him I didn't think things were working out, we were barely talking anyway.

It KILLS me everyday to not hear from him. But I think he absolutely expected me to contact him and beg him for another chance. As I look back over things, I was always quick to make it very easy to place the blame on me because I don't have any problem admitting when I'm wrong. I don't have any problem taking responsibility when I'm wrong...but in this situation...I don't see what I did wrong. I may have brought our communication problems to the forefront, but it was just in a gesture to work through things the way they WERE, not as they were to be perceived. All I did was have a standard for how I will and will not be treated. And in that standard, I also understood that I would be held to whatever his standard was as well.

A friend asked me today what was keeping me from contacting him. I don't have a good way to explain it. It's a multitude of things. First, if he needs some time...I don't see how contacting him is going to help in any way. I know that when I am angry, I need time to sort my own feelings out. I have enough respect for him that I can just let it be. He did not tell me not to contact him, but if you would have heard the tone of his voice-be assured, you would not call either.

There's a part of me that beats myself up CONSTANTLY because I didn't get on that plane the next day. Make him face me. Make him talk to me. Make it work. But he said himself-he wanted to let me know before I came out there because he didn't want to patch it up and make everything SEEM like it was working. I honestly felt like if I went out there I was setting myself up for so much failure. I have already fought for this relationship...I felt like that was a losing battle. I hope in his mind he didn't take that as a sign of defeat, or as a gesture that I did not care. I wanted to respect his space. And really, I was scared of rejection. At that point, I couldn't take any more pain.

And really, what it comes down to-is that I love that man with every breath I have in me, with every ounce of my soul...but I LOVE ME FIRST. I sent a small note to him and I feel like I opened the door of communication to let him know that I am here. Maybe it was not enough, I thought it was.

I re-read over and over again the e-mail that I was going to send to him and it occurs to me that that e-mail is about ME. It's an explanation of my feelings, and once again a very easy way for him to blame ME. And really, his actions may not be about me or anything I did. What kills me is not knowing. What hurts me is that he might be going through something, and I want to be there for him. I AM still here for him.

And because I know him, I often think that he keeps himself angry with thoughts that I may call someone else, or "fill" his spot. That is so NOT ME anymore. And while I want to reach out to him so that he knows that that is not true...the indignant part of me says that I SHOWED him that I AM different now. Why would I go backward? Why would I go back to contacting these people that mean nothing to me? Why would I go back to letting someone waste my time? Why would I allow anybody else to ever use me again? I won't. That's a change I have made. If he didn't see that change, I'm sorry. IF he doesn't realize that the way that I love him helped me change, I'm sorry. If he doesn't know that I meant that I will always be here for him because he IS the love of my life, I'm sorry. But I tried with all of my might, I gave all of my heart, I gave as much of my soul as a person can give. So really, I don't think I have anything to be sorry for.

I'm not perfect, but I never claimed to be. I KNOW that I may be hard to put up with, I know I can be a little feisty at times, but I also know I gave him 200% of me. I love him. My heart breaks a little more each day. My soul cries out for him every moment, but if I don't have anything else-I do have my self-respect.

All the things he said about me, yes it was nice. He told me to never let anybody else use me like that, to never let anybody hurt me again. Was he including himself in that direction?

I love him, that has not changed. I'm here for HIM and only him, that has not changed. But there is a part of me that says if I reach out and lay my heart out and make up all the excuses...then I am saying it is ok to hurt me like this, and it's not.

Everyday I hope that he can feel how much I love him.
Everyday I pray that we can work this out.
Everyday I pray for him, I pray for me, I pray for us.

And everyday, as I fight the urge to beg him to give me another chance and open up e-mails that I never send, I realize how much I really do love me.
I realize how much I've been through.
I realize how much credit I really deserve.
I realize that I have loved someone more than I ever thought possible.

And in that realization, I realize that I could have never loved him that much if I didn't love me first.

If I didn't love me, I would have nothing to offer.

And the fact of the matter is that if he came back to me right this second I would accept him with open arms and we could forget this happened. But I didn't leave him, so it makes no sense for me to go back to something I never left. I'm here.

I need to stop wondering what I did wrong.
I need to stop replaying what I could have done in my head.
I need to just stop.

Love isn't enough.
But love IS enough.

You just have to know who to love.

You have to know that that WHO is YOU.

I love me, first.

Michelle Obama, You are amazing!

2008-08-26T08:09:00.003-06:00

The events of my personal life will have to take a back seat to the HISTORY that is happening right in this state.

If you didn't see Michelle Obama's speech, you did yourself a disservice.
Here is a link:
Michelle Obama's Speech

Black people, minority people, ALL people that have been waiting for a CHANGE should be on this man's team regardless of whether you agree 100% with his views or NOT!

Try to grasp what this CHANGE really entails.

CHANGE we can believe in.

Absolutely!

Educate yourself. No time like the present!!

Barack Obama's Website
Website of the Democratic National Convention

Mean what you say!

2008-08-25T21:30:00.002-06:00

While walking around the lake yesterday, I had an "experience" I guess I will call it.

Let me first explain the scenario. The lake is in a central area of town. The scenery is beautiful, as are most places in this area. However, it would be considered to be in a part of town where "questionable" activities often take place. I think I go to the lake because it gives me some rest from the chaos in my own head. Sometimes I laugh at what I see, sometimes I'm touched by what I see, but I'm almost always amused.

Everyday, there is a group of men who have gathered at the lake with their coolers at hand and bicycles parked nearby. They sit on a picnic table located between two trees and they play dominoes. Now I often am at the lake at various times of the day, and without fail-they are there. I've often been envious of the simplicity that their day to day lives must entail. Just an outside observation.

Everyday, there are dozens of kids on the playground. Seems that now that school has started it's usually a daycare group or something of the sort. Mixed in will be parents with their children. Either watching them play, or sitting and reading while they play. The site of this is sweet to me...then it makes my stomach turn...but I always just walk past it with a smile on my face. Someday.

Everyday there are couples either walking around the lake or sitting by the lake. It often makes me sad...but then I just pray that they have the kind of love I had. And I pray they appreciate it. Nothing like not knowing the worth of something until it's gone.

And everyday, there is me. Walking that mile and a half and pondering whatever it is that is in and around my mind that day. It allows me to exert my restlessness, nervousness, anxiety, sadness and whatever else I may be feeling.

Often while walking around the lake you will either walk past somebody or cross paths with somebody going the other way. To be honest, I'm usually so lost in my thoughts they don't get any recognition from me at all. However, when it's one of "us", I usually nod my head or say "how you doing?" in rhetoric because that's what we do.

Yesterday I was walking along deep in thought. A man approached me, and as I said "How you doing" he at the same time said "Good day to you, my sister". And because he said it so loud and my words were soft, he didn't hear me. I kept walking. He must have stopped and turned around. He said "I SAID Good day to you! You can't speak?!!" I kept on walking. I don't have time for buffoonery. And a couple moments passed by and he screamed "F**K YOU!". I laughed out loud.

I actually needed that laugh, and actually I needed that dissection of my thoughts so that I had something new to think about. The lake is a circle, so I wondered if I would cross his path again. But I didn't. I thought about him while walking. YOu know, how silly would he feel if he had known I did acknowledge him? And regardless of if I did or not, was it necessary to curse at me because I didn't repay his greeting?

It reminded me of a certain e-mail I should have never read. It reminded me of exactly what I said about the person that read that. You know, we never know WHOSE path we are crossing. When we offer a greeting to someone in passing, they just may really need that greeting. Maybe that person is looking for someone to really reach out to them and a simple "hello" will give them that uplift that they need. So to me, it is very important to mean what you say. And say it not because you expect something back, but because you really mean it. If you really mean to wish somebody a good day-say it, mean it, and then keep it moving!!

What if I had been really down and out and that last EFF YOU put me over the edge. How would that person feel if they knew that two words had caused somebody to take drastic action?

In this "events" of my life as of late-this has been a topic that resurfaces in my head. Not necessarily just saying things, but also doing them. In my opinion it is important to do and say the things that you mean because you want to, not because you expect something in return. Because really-if you don't get the things you expect back-you will be mad at the other person, but for what really? Because they couldn't read your mind and know what you expected back? I mean, if you really say and do things because you WANT to, I just think you have to believe you will receive that blessing back somewhere-but if you do things from YOUR heart because YOU want to-you shouldn't expect anything. You should feel good about doing what YOU want to do.

I wasn't largely affected by the man's words. I try not to let words hurt me. It gave me a good laugh actually. If my failure to return his greeting ruined his day...oh well. He shouldn't have depended on me or anybody else to give him what he needs.

Mean what you say.

Mean what you do.

And know that at the end of the day, if you don't-that other person may or may not care.

If you MEAN it, it shouldn't matter.

Trying to believe

2008-08-25T11:17:00.001-06:00

I got this in an e-mail...I am trying to believe, too.

A Birth Certificate shows that we were born

A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.

I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they do love each other.
I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
we understand that friends change.
I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt
you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over
the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.
I Believe...
That it' s taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.
I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I Believe...
that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
we do, no matter how we feel.
I Believe...
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I Believe...
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I Believe...
That my best friend and I, can do anything, or nothing and have the best time.
I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you
when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them and less to do
with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I Believe...
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.
I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same
thing and see something totally different.
I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don't even know you.
I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when
a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I Believe...
That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in , I just did.
'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything.' Be sure to make the most of your life!!
~Bobbi Messelt

The day to day "EASE"

2008-08-25T09:31:00.004-06:00

One of the things that I have come to expect every day, but am never prepared for is the question "Doesn't it get easier every day?" or some form of that query with different words.

And inevitably, I answer yes.

Without fail, my insides scream NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It does not get easier everyday. If anything, it's harder.

It's one more day that I still have no answers, that I still have no idea how I got here, that I still want my life back as it was two weeks and five days ago!

Today, I thought maybe I will send him a note:

"Hey-
I have written you a thousand times to tell you how I feel, but I realize this is not about me. I just want you to know that I miss you, I love you, and everything I promised you...I meant. I hope that we can talk soon"

I just replay these words or variations of these words in my head.
And then the rage.

Then immediately I am pissed off for sounding so desperate. Frustrated for really wanting to reach out to him when it is apparent that he has no need to do the same. My heart really wants to believe that he is hurting too, but my head tells me that he can't be hurting TOO badly if he was able to just move on.

My heart tells me that he did love me the way I thought he did, and he still does. My head tells me that if he loved me like that, I wouldn't be hurting like this.

EVERYTHING reminds me of him. He is everywhere. Every song, every street, every feeling, everyTHING. Little things around my house. Do I box them up and throw them away? No, I leave them where they are. Because inside of me, I keep hoping he will appear. I keep hoping he will come back. And I tell myself that if he does, I will show him that I never gave up.

The only thing that is easier is the ability to control myself. Now I can swallow the tears so they never fall down my cheeks. I can mask the pain so it's not so easy to read on my face. I can pretend like he is not in my thoughts every waking second of every day.

My life has become robotic. The same things every day to just get through the day.

Waking up in the morning and thanking God for the day. Searching for all the people that I know to be thankful for and all the people to pray for that I know need it. And then, in desperation asking him to please bring him back to me. Then apologizing for asking so vainly. Then asking God to just help me, and strengthen me for whatever it is he is preparing me for-and then thanking him for trusting me to go through it.

Then I promise myself I won't be upset when I look at my phone and KNOW that nothing will be there. Except every morning, those are the first tears I swallow because I wish he was there. I ponder reaching out to him for moments, and then I robotically go on about my day.

I pray in the shower for strength. I pray for understanding. I pray for direction. And every day, I find myself praying for him. Praying that he follow his dream. Praying that God help his vision come to life. Praying that he is happy. Praying that he knows and feels that I love him. I don't swallow those tears. I let them fall with the water.

And when I wake up my son. I put on a smile. And everyday, he opens his eyes, smiles at me, and lifts up his arm. Every morning I duck my head underneath his arms, and as he squeezes my neck and says "Good morning Mama", I swallow tears again. Not because he hurt me...but because he accepts me for who I am, and because he deserves more than this miserable existence I have come to be.

And every morning he says "What's wrong Mama?" and I smile at him and tell him I'm just tired. And he asks me if I slept well, and I say "kind of", and he just hugs me. Today he said "I'll help you with the housework so you can go to bed early". I smile and tell him that's not his job. And I walk out of the room instantly angry with myself. He deserves so much more.

Everyday I remember that this was my life before. Before we ever got together, this is what I did everyday and I was happy. I also remember that I used people to "fill in" the spots where I got lonely and I thought that was okay. I'll never go back to that again.

I don't need anybody like that. I don't need meaningless "friendships" to carry me from here to there. I'm done with that. I have so much more respect for myself that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than allow someone to ever USE ME like that again and walk away thinking I had the upper hand. No time for that.

I want him. That's all I want. I miss him so much I can't stand it. I miss his friendship. I miss his love. I miss everything. I miss telling him about my day. I miss hearing about his. I miss simple text messages. I miss simple phone conversations about nothing. I miss sharing every funny thing I see with him. I miss listening to his voice. I miss loving him.

Everytime I pass a playground, a mother with a baby, a family-I miss even sharing the future with him. Finally, I had become okay with sharing my dreams too. I had stopped being scared to dream and believe and I had grasped on to what our future would be. I had finally been able to picture my life with someone for the rest of MY life. More than anything I wanted to give him his first child to hold. I wanted to share a house with him. I wanted to just sleep next to him every night so that we could wake up together in the morning and start another, wonderful, perfect day in our life.

It does not get easier from day to day. Everyday I fight harder to hold onto my dreams. Everyday I pray harder to find peace in my mind and my soul. And everyday-I just feel like he is further and further away from my reach. Yet everyday, I still hope that it will be the day that this is over and he comes back to me.

Everyday I learn so much about myself. Everyday I learn that I"m stronger than I was the day before, only because this hurt gets worse by the second. Everyday is one more day that I have to learn how to be without him again, and everyday is another day that I don't want to have to do that.

It does not get easier by the day. It has not gotten easier by the week. I don't expect it will get easier by the month.

It just gets easier for me to hide my feelings because I don't know who they matter to.

Everyday is another day that on the inside I am dying.
Everyday is another day that I push my tears back and just let the heaviness remain inside me.
Everyday is not a better day-it's just a day that I have become better at being what I am.

But-everyday, I still hope that tomorrow is a better day.
All I have is hope-that's all that keeps me going.
Everyday.

Is it you?

2008-08-21T05:38:00.001-06:00

Is it you?

9 o’clock in the evening

I hope to be tired

My mind never rests

My heart pounds harder by the second

The needs of my body are unheard

I put all my hope in two little pills that

May or may not bring rest.

Physical rest.

Do you miss me tonight?

Do you remember the daily talks, laughs, conversations.

Why can’t I get you out of my head.

Is it you?

10 o’clock in the evening

The quiet time I dread

The time when my mind takes over

Memories flood the cavity of all other thoughts

They take over everything about anything

I feel no effects from the pills

I feel that my body needs stillness

Are you laying in bed?

Are you missing me like this?

Is it you?

11 o’clock in the evening

Nothing.

Not even the slightest hint of drowsiness

Tears come and go

Frustration looms

Sadness hovers

Sleep nowhere to be found

Are you angry with me?

Are you mad because I haven’t called?

Was I a waste of your time?

Is it you?

Midnight

The TV is on

The sound is turned down

The picture is clear

I see nothing.

I close my eyes hoping for rest

I toss and turn hoping to fall off into sleep

You will not leave my thoughts

You will not leave my mind

Is it you?

1 o’clock in the morning

My heart is beating so fast

I can’t hear anything but the pounding

Inside my head

The house is creaking

For one moment I wonder

If someone came in

Or did you just enter my dreams?

Did you bust into the realm of my unpeaceful rest?

Is it you?

2 o’clock in the morning

I fight to get back to sleep

Even if just for a fleeting moment

It’s sleep

Empty space with no thoughts

Quiet time in my head

But I long for your touch

I long to hold you

To touch you

To graze my lips against yours

I long to hear you say “I love you”

Is it you?

3 o’clock in the morning

I tell the thoughts of my mind to go away

I chase the hurt feelings out of my heart

I open the door for anger

I welcome in the frustration

I allow rage to push away the loneliness

And even in anger-

I miss you.

I pray for you.

I want to know if you are happy.

I want to know if you think of me at all.

I want to know if I can’t get you out of my mind

Because you can’t get me out of yours.

Is it you?

4 o’clock in the morning

I give up the illusion of rest

I give up on taking things day by day

I let go of hoping each day is better

It’s all one endless period of time

Time without you

Time without the love I crave

Time that I am left to my own thoughts

Left to my own conclusions

Left to my own assumptions

Are you sleeping well?

Are you going to wake and tell someone else

Good morning and have a good day?

Are you going to wake up and wait for me to call?

Is it you?

5 o’clock in the morning

It is time to start another day

Another day that I trudge through each moment

Trying to pretend like I don’t spend every second

Missing you.

Trying to find something else to occupy my time

Instead of waiting for you to text me.

Hoping every call is you

Waiting for this nightmare to be over

Waiting for my life to be right again.

Have these thoughts awoken you as well?

Is it you?

And as 6, 7, 8, 9 and every hour comes and goes

It will be one hour closer to the time

That I can try again and

Hope for rest

Hope for peace

Hope for sleep

I will pray all day

I will think of you all day

I will cry on the inside all day

I will wonder what you are doing all day

I will hope that there is no one to replace the space

That I hope I have in your heart.

I will tell myself that it is getting easier

When I know and feel in my heart and all of my soul

That this day is no better than the last

I will smile on the outside

When on the inside I can’t find anything to smile about

I will do what I’m supposed to do

While I am secretly dying on the inside

I will push harder for the things I want

And pretend like I am newly motivated

When really it’s all I can do to keep from falling apart

I will wonder all day if you think of me

I will wonder all day if you know I think of you

I will hope that you still love me

I will hope that you know that I will always love you

I will still dream of our future

I will hope that you still think we have a future too

I will fight myself with the thought that this is over

I will talk myself into believing that you will come back to me

I will criticize myself because I feel so dumb

I will yell at myself because I have become so dull without you

Is it you?

Is it me hoping it is you?

Are we still connected so much that I know when you hurt..

I know when you are angry…

I know when you are frustrated…

But not connected enough for me to know that

There was no connection for you?

Is it you?

Is your pain like my pain?

Is your frustration like my frustration?

Is your love like my love?

Do I just hope it is like mine so that I can hold on to a glimpse

Of what I think still can be?

Is it you?

Are you here?

Will you come back?

Have you let go?

Is it you?

What do you want?

What do you need?

What can I do?

Is it you?

Or is my mind running in hopelessness

Is my heart hurting because the truth is that you are not part of me

Is my body running purely on undefined emotion

That stops me from eating, sleeping, or even being

in any way affected by the things that should slow me?

Will the questions ever stop?

Will the pain ever go away?

Will my heart beat again in the way that it did

So freely before?

Is it you?

Please.

Is it you?

8/21/08

5:38 a.m.

Sleeping pill

2008-08-20T21:52:00.004-06:00

I have to

REST.

I can not
should not
will not

try to quiet this commotion in my mind.

There is NO silence
NO escape
NO end

to the confusion that repeats and replays with no sympathy
for

the body

that

is NOT able
can NOT function
will NOT go anymore

BECAUSE

the nerves,
the hurt,
the pain,
the feelings-

DON'T REST.

SLEEPING PILL
please come and mute the cantankerous
rambuctious
misery that
will NOT be weakened
by the pity my heart cries out.

SLEEPING PILL
muffle the pangs of angst
the sharpness of neglect
the piercing stab of abandonment

SLEEPING PILL
turn down the volume on
cries of anger
hurt
and dry these endless tears.

PLEASE
be my temporary answer to this
PERMANENT PAIN
so that this body can

rest. Wake up. Fight itself through the endless,
painstaking,
excruciating day.

And then I will call on you
AGAIN
To ease the pain you did not cause
but only you can take the

MISERY
and hold it.

Until I do it all again.

SLEEPING PILL
GIVE ME unreasonable
restless
REST.

8.7.2008

2008-08-20T21:43:00.004-06:00

August Seventh. Two thousand and eight
Five Thirty-Seven p.m.
How many things happened at that moment?
Lives began, lives came to an end.

One moment not appreciated
thousands of moments yet to lose
Time take for granted
Everything changes-old becomes new.

Time used to be fleeting
Happiness and love overflowing my heart
now every moment is an eternity
Now this time tears me apart

Each free moment used to be fantasy
Imagining the perfection of our lives intertwined
Now free moments incarcerate my soul
Now freedom is the greatest enemy of my mind.

I used to expect what each moment would bring
I used to be able to predict the course of my day
I used to bask in the comfort of your love
I want that back-I don't want this pain.

Each day my mind recorded every little thing
so that I could recount it all back for you
Even though we were physically apart
You were right here with me-I HAD you.

When I woke early in the morning
and thanked God for another beautiful day
I also thanked him for the love of my life
Thanked him for answering all of my prayers

There are not many constants day to day
But I found comfort in being with you
Every challenge. Anything. I could face it
I had your arms to fall into

I was so sure that this was right
It was too perfect to be close to wrong
I finally found the completion to this hole in me
I finally felt like I had somewhere to belong

It wasn't always easy to get through things
But I knew our love would be put through some tests
I knew we each had things that would come and go
I just knew our relationship would be blessed

Now-each day is just a day
Time that I wish would just pass
Time I wish I could rewind
I need time to slow down. This all happened so fast.

I miss the freedom in my happiness
I miss the excitement of being in love
Mostly-I just miss all of you
I still don't know what I could have done

My mind has not stopped searching
I just don't know how to feel
I can not rest. I can not comprehend.
This hurt can not be real.

That day-That very moment
Who can say all that happened right then
8.7.2008...5:37 p.m.
Life as I LOVED IT came to an end.

Self-Reflection...Preservation

2008-08-20T13:42:00.006-06:00

I'm still shaking.

But for once-the thoughts in my mind are clear.

I walked around the lake again today. It has become habit. Now more than ever, I have an urge to push my body to it's limits. To get back in shape the way I know I should be. To be healthy as ever, because that should be what we want for ourself anyway. At first I thought it was just something I was doing to distract myself. Often times I have wanted to just tire myself out so that I could sleep for any length without waking myself up with my thoughts.

Today, our Pastor asked the congregation to fast from 6 am until 6 pm in preparation for our 14th Church Anniversary. He focused on three major points to study, fast, and pray over. The first one...self reflection. From Galatians 2: 20-21

20 I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. 21 I do not set aside the grace of God; for if righteousness comes through the law, then Christ died in vain.”

I don't know where to start...I don't know where this will end. But talk about some self reflection.

Obviously, the demise of my relationship has entrapped my mind for the last almost two weeks. Searching for what went wrong. Remembering things that should have thrown a flag. Mostly being depressed, then mad, then angry, then sad about the whole thing.

Today, there was a couple holding hands walking in front of me. They both had their own iPods, but they walked hand in hand...exchanging looks from time to time, but they walked in silence. Each walking to their own beat-but still walking together. I thought, well-thank you God for showing me what that love was like. Then I wondered how many people have had to get over love like that-how it affects you in the future...but that is a post for another time :-)

I thought to myself that I miss his affection. His love. I thought WE had a connection like that. Then I remembered how connected I felt to him when he made love, how special it was because we were in love...
and something stopped me right in my tracks.

Self reflection.

"I have been crucified with CHRIST...who loved me and gave himself for ME"

Then I remembered that when "we" were still a "we"...we made a vow to abstain from sex. We made up rules about what we could do and couldn't do...but we both agreed that we wanted our relationship to be blessed. I remember saying, from my OWN mouth, that I could respect that he wanted to do this-but I was not completely into it. I can remember NOT FEELING BAD about having sex with him even though we said we wouldn't. I remember EVER SO VIVIDLY now that I made a promise to GOD and I broke it without any remorse, without second thought...and without EVER repenting. I wanted a timeline for how long we had to abstain. I wanted to do it for a certain period before we got married. Shouldn't we all so thankful that Jesus never asked how long he would have to wait before going to Heaven? Shouldn't we all be so thankful that he didn't lay out any rules or limits before he got up on that cross?

Self reflection.

Indeed, I can not control what somebody else does with THEIR salvation, but I will be held responsible for my own.

My body is a temple. Given to ME to preserve. And I have done nothing to preserve it the way I should have. I have done nothing to thank God for preserving it FOR ME when all that a doctor could say is "You could die from this". I have preserved my body for the pleasure of others. Not God.

As I walked, I realized...we had a glimpse of what that connection can be. We didn't have sex, we truly made love. It fixed things for us. It became THAT that made us feel connected. That is NOT a blessing. That was NOT given to us by God...that is the enemy at work. My God, My God-how I see it so clearly now. Physicality took over spirituality. Lust took over love. Flesh took over spirit.

If we would have waited like we said we would...it wouldn't have been any less special. It would have been MORE special. It was a connection that neither of us ever felt. It is a connection that is for MARRIAGE. I did get to a point where I believed that it would benefit us, but when he was weak-I didn't try to stop him. I gave in. I gave up. And everytime I gave my body to him or to any other man, I slapped my God right in the face.

So I have to ask myself, if a man thinks that my body is good enough for him to take physical control of, but not care about my salvation-why have I given it so many times? If a man wants to act like a husband but can not BE a husband, why should I wait for him to make up his mind? Why should I give up my body in the meantime? I'd rather die alone than rot in hell knowing I quenched the lust of any man that doesn't have enough self-control to think about God, his salvation, and my life.

Why have I demanded that I be respected, when I didn't even have enough self respect or respect for GOD to stand up for what IS right? To even CARE about what is right. And if I don't care about what GOD thinks of me-why should any man care about it either?

It indeed was a beautiful thing, but I am so ashamed of my weakness. I am so ashamed of my willingness to let one moment of satisfaction get in the way of an eternity in heaven.

So, indeed, I should push my body. I'm training for the race of a lifetime, and the finish line offers me an eternity in heaven.

I know this is not the only thing-but it is a big thing for me.

I have so many thoughts on this, but they are not clear right now.

Self reflection. I see the reflection. I don't want to look at that anymore.

Now that I've seen the reflection, it's time for preservation.

My body is a temple. My body is God's temple. He gave himself for ME. So why have I given myself so freely to everybody BUT God.

I can't tell anybody else what to do. I can't and won't judge anybody else's relationship with God or try to tell you how to get to Heaven.

For me, I will not let anybody disrespect me or my body again. I won't let lust get in the way of what I know is right. I won't let my past behavior be an indication of what I will do in the future.

Reflection indicates looking into the past. I have to move forward from that.

I don't want my self reflection to show how selfish and ungodly I have been.

I want my reflection to show how good God has been to me. I want my reflection to show that I am a child of God and have acted accordingly. I want my reflection to show that I preserved myself and prepared myself for what God has in store for me.

My self reflection shouldn't just be a reflection of me. It should also be a reflection of what he has done for me.

I asked God to forgive me, and my faith tells me he already has.

I asked God to help me, my faith tells me he already is.

And as confused about life as I am right now, there is no confusion in knowing that he is directing me and showing me where I should go.

And in my reflection, I can see that I have stood in the way of what he has tried to do in my life for far too long.

I'm moving out of the way.

Self-reflection. This is the last time I reflect upon my life and stand alone.

"...it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me"

And the next time I reflect...THAT is what I want to see.

You...Me

2008-08-17T22:00:00.002-06:00

You…Me

There is a place to show you
The depth of my love
Not in this world below
But in the clouds above

Not in the intensity of blowing winds
Not in the midst of downpour
Not when the snowflakes fall steadily
But up above the storm

If I could take you with me
Up into the sky
I could show you my love
How I see you through my eyes

The perfection that breeds in nothing
The peace that exists in complicated simplicity
The joy that screams out in serenity
This, my love, is you and me.

The clouds roll on into forever
The sunset touches eternity
The beauty is a million lines
That walk hand and hand infinitely

There are millions of billows of softness
There are countless valleys and hills
There are places where it looks to be noisy
There are places where it seems so still

In one glance it all looks so simple
But there is so much to see
It goes on and on forever
This-is you and me

I want to hold you among the softness
I want to touch you tenderly
I want to feed you this taste of beauty
This is our love-heavenly.

In this vast sea of nothing
I see so many things
I see forever so clearly
I see the story of you and me

A picture displayed in perfection
A song sung in perfect harmony
A story with the happiest ending
The love inside you and me

As I look into the clouds
There is so much to see
Maybe nothing to someone
To me? Everything

I can show you this concretely
This work of art, natural and true
So wonderful I want to see it forever
It is my love for you

As the lights come through the clouds
And end my fantasy
I remember the world around me
Back to jaded reality

I escaped into my heart
For those precious moments in the sky
A picture that painted my love for you
Can you see it? Can you try?

The clouds tell an enduring story
Of love that never ends, never dies
It is the amazing beauty that I see
Every time I look into your eyes

As amazing as the endless clouds
Look into my heart and see
That you define perfection
As divine as the sunset and clouds as they meet

The view that I see is breathtaking
When I look at you it is the same
You are the place where my heart runs freely
It is with you that I am safe

My words could go on forever
Like the beautiful clouds I see
A simple view, yet so much within
This-is you and me

As the clouds roll on forever
Creating a perfect piece of art
I’ve seen the beauty I couldn’t explain
I’ve seen the love inside my heart

As the sound of your voice fills my ears
And beauty is before me as far as I can see
I have found peace that lies within you
This is you. This is me

Come with me into the clouds
Let us travel above the storm
Feed on this delicate ecstasy
It is you-I am at home.

When you want to see my love
Escape into the clouds and see
We are intertwined in heavenly perfection
I am you. You are me.

Written January 17, 2008.
When I believed in us more than anything.
I still do.

The best day of my summer?

2008-08-15T08:55:00.003-06:00

I have looked forward to this day for two months.

I have anticipated the moment I would hold my son again, see his smile, and just feel him in my arms. I have imagined that this day would be emotional for him, but I was sure I would be prepared for this day. I knew that his emotions would range from way high to way low, and I thought that no matter how emotional for him, this would be the best day of my summer. The day I got my child back. The day I got to look in his eyes, tell him it's okay. Tell him how proud I am, and most of all-show him how much I love him.

Today was supposed to be the best day of my summer.

Today, I woke up in tears again. I haven't woke up crying at least for a few days. Today the emotion is heavier even than a week and a day ago when I felt like my life as I knew it totally left me.

For a week and one day, I have had the opportunity to just feel however I am feelings. I was able to isolate myself and just be alone with my thoughts. However helpful, or dangerous that might be.

Today I have to stop hiding. I promised my son a welcome home party-and that is what he will get. But my stomach turns at the thought. I don't want to answer any questions. I don't want misplaced sympathy-I want these people to welcome my son home and leave me the hell alone.

Today, I have to put on the good face and mean it. And I'm not ready. My heart is heavier than ever. For all those people, they are outsiders. My son can look right through me. I can say whatever I want to him, but just as I can see through him-my eyes will never lie to him.

I anticipate the question. Where is MR.? I thought MR. would be here? I have an answer, but I don't know if he'll take it or not. I pray to God he does. Because really-all I can think of is that I was prepared to try to help him deal with what he just went through, but I don't know if I can help him through this. I can't help myself through this.

Once again, I brought him into something that will hurt him. And as I pray with all my might and hope with all my soul that it is not the end of things, I have to move on. And I can't right now. It's not even that I don't want to. I CAN'T.

Today was supposed to be the best day of my summer. Today, one of the most important people in my life is coming back to me. And when I embrace him, I will try not to cry. I will try to be strong. But just his embrace, just his touch, his smile...it's going to break my heart all over again. It will bring the reality that I have to break his heart AGAIN, and I can't tell him why. And as I hold his hand and we walk away, I will try to be strong. I will try to pick myself up and hold it together. I haven't tried to be strong for everyone else and pretend like I am okay, but I owe him this. And as time passes, and I have to deal with this reality-I will let him blame me. It is my fault. I brought him here. I gave him hope for a life he has longed for. And I'm the one that ruined it.

I don't know how to deal with this situation. I'm hoping it all falls back into place. I'm praying that I'm strong enough to take it all. I'm praying that for all the hurt I have brought into his innocent life, that somewhere-sometime...he can forgive me.

Today is supposed to be the best day of my summer.

Today, I feel worse than I can ever remember feeling in my whole life.

The Unspoken Thoughts of Complicated Simplicity

What difference does it make?

Craig...I'm addicted to your list.

The Consequence of Being Whole

Dear Ex-Boyfriend(s)...

Racism lives!!

He's Just Not That into Me

Why Are You Talking to Me?

The Happy Birthday turned Anniversary...for me!

You Haven't Changed My Life...You Just Wish You Had

Who are you?

**SLAP**

The Death of the Hater...

Blame it on the rain...or the fool that got you here

Dear ________,

The American Dream

A love letter to my son...

I hear you talking...

Of Course

The Closed Door...

Looking in my Mirror

The Things I Will Never Do...Again.

Talking to Monica

Joy GPS

The Simplicity Detox

Moving UP

Meeting Me Again...

Settling is for Pilgrims

One Victim-No Voice

Never Again...

Side Piece?

Mad Enough

The Things I Wonder About...

The State of MY Union

It's Okay

I Can Go On Now

Ecstasy

Nothing Personal...

Inaugural Address-Barack Obama 1/20/2009

America-United at Last

My Formal De-Introduction

Change...

To my Grandmother...

She's not here anymore...

Change we DO believe in

Energizing Exhaustion

The crazy nation of ARBONNE!

And Boy DID God move...

When God Moves

Thanks and I'm OK

"No Way. No How. No McCain!"

Loving ME First

Michelle Obama, You are amazing!

Mean what you say!

Trying to believe

The day to day "EASE"

Is it you?

Sleeping pill

8.7.2008

Self-Reflection...Preservation

You...Me

The best day of my summer?

SLAP