I Win

You know, I knew that this blog would be more therapeutic than just a writing tool.

So I'm glad that my own words have touched ME.

I win.

I do win.

Everyday that I get up and I make it through the day, I win.

There was a time when things so much smaller than what I'm going through would have sent me on a tailspin...but although emotionally I'm still hurt, I will be okay. I don't have any doubts about that.

And instead of asking God why he is putting me through this...I have spent my time asking him to forgive me for not thanking him enough for the LIFE that I have been blessed with.

I can barely see this screen through the tears that are falling from my eyes, but I had that moment of clarity AGAIN. And I thank God for these moments. He's been showing me all through this that he still has a plan for me.

On Friday, I went to a friend's house and I just sat there with her. Thank you God for placing friends in my life that can offer me comfort. That can give me love and support in a way I never knew I would need it, but it was there.

On Saturday, I stayed in. Went out to run the nature trail, then right back in to be by myself. And the texts kept coming "The kids need you". And all I could think of was, I just can't take that right now. A knock on my door and my niece there to offer me a hug and a slumber party to make me feel better :-)

On Sunday, I could barely stand to be around all those people. All the kids hugged me like they had not seen me in years. All of them glad to see me, and every single one of them asked me if I was okay. I fought every time to hold these tears back, and I was ashamed of myself for showing my emotion so outright on my face. Then during benediction, the little girl I have prayed for relentlessy came forth to be baptised. To admit that she was angry that God took her mother away, but willing to let it go. I left. I couldn't take anymore.

THANK YOU GOD for putting these children, and all these people around me in my life. I had to think back-they didn't want to know what was wrong with me because I looked terrible, they wanted to know because they love me. Because for many of these young people, I was able to pull something from inside of me and help them to deal with what was on the inside of them. And together we were able to pull it out, pray about it, and move on. And for the child that lost her mother...how small are my problems. I am upset that someone I love has hurt me. But NOBODY has taken away somebody that I love. And in the midst of everything she has been through, she was coming back to God, saying here is my life-I'm sorry.

Just as he is on fire for what he wants...I've been on fire for a long time too. But I have been working towards it. I've always felt like the things that I have gone through were not placed in my life for me to be in pain, but to help others that didn't understand their pain. I have always felt and sometimes been burdened by the position I seem to play for others. Always here for everyone and often times felt like I didn't have anybody to lean on. I missed it. I completely missed it.

I have let this world make me my own enemy. I have let what society thinks a victim should be define the ideas that I had for myself. And all the while God was calling me to be something better and stronger. But He couldn't do it unless I stepped up to see it. And all this time, I have completely missed it. God, forgive me.

I have always had a way to see what people are feeling without really even talking to them. THAT is a blessing. God gave me that. And because he gave me that, he gave me a gift of knowing what words to use to soothe people. And he didn't just give me those words. He gave me a life and lessons so that when these people came to me, I would know what they have been through and they would know my words, my actions, and anything I had to offer were genuine and from my heart.

So as I sit here, heart broken and mind reeling-I have to thank God again because I could be somewhere so much worse than I am now. I don't have to tell anybody who I am, I AM who I AM and I don't think anybody has a hard time seeing it. I have to thank God for trusting me with everything I am going through. And I have to thank God again for the living testimony that even though I might have gotten comfortable or even a little lazy in who I am, he will never let me be any less than he expects. Thank you, God.

I win. Everything that I have been through, I got through it. I did that.

I win. Everything that has hurt me, only hurt me. It didn't GET me. I did that.

I win. Everything that looked me in the face now has to look at my back, because I didn't get over it, I didn't get around it, I got through it. I did that.

I win. I have proven that I know how to love, that I now know how to be loved, and that is exactly what I should expect and deserve. I did that.

I win.


I can't make anybody stay here. I can't make anybody want me.

But if they don't want me, I know what they have lost.

And as much as it hurts, I just know that that is how much stronger I will be.


I WIN.