Moving UP

I had an interesting weekend, to say the least. I'm in a good place right now. I really am. I really thank God for this clarity that I have. I feel so blessed for everything he has put me through in order to show me how blessed I really am.

I had the pleasure of meeting a young girl on Friday night. I'm not easily moved or shocked by things that people have to say about their life, but this girl's story punched me in the heart like never before. She is nineteen years old, married with a two year old son. She is a military wife. She is a recovering addict. She is a victim, struggling to be a survivor. Abandoned at age 14 by her father, handed her social security card and birth certificate and told "Good Luck". She was homeless for years. She talked about how she stole food to eat, how she sold things to have a place to stay or sleep, how she survived hypothermia and managed to stay alive while sleeping in parks, under bridges, anywhere she could find. And as if being abandoned by her father wasn't enough, her mother also abandoned her in the desert of California with a newborn baby, her first child. She talked about how she was coming off of the drugs and probably wasn't far from people but was scared to lose her baby and not in her right mind. She got teary eyed as she explained how she would try to feed the baby and keep it alive-until she realized that the child had died in her arms.

She went back to her hometown and found a friend who's family took her in. She is a talented artist and poet, but doesn't have the confidence to pursue those interests anymore since her father, an artist and illustrator, told her everything she did was terrible. She said "I just want to put my past into a box and put it away, and never open it again. I'm trying to move on."

Her words don't seem that moving-but it hurt me that she said that, and something moved inside of me. I said "But it's who you are. All those things are what make you who you are. It's not part of your weakness, it's the foundation for all of your strength!" And I was moved again-because those words didn't come from me. As they came out of my mouth, the power of those words touched me too. And I realized quickly it was NOT me, it was the CHRIST that is IN me. Now, I am convicted about my own faith and have no problem expressing my beliefs...but I'm not really big on telling people how to have that conviction in their own walk. Who am I? But knowing that he was with me, I asked her "Do you pray?" She looked away. She said she was trying to get all her emotions out by talking to the therapists that are assigned to her in the program she is currently completing to stay clean and to keep custody of her child. I asked her again "Do you pray?". She said "I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. You can't believe the things I've done. I'm ashamed to even tell you or anybody...I believe God has a purpose for my life because as many times as I've overdosed, or had alcohol poisoning, or almost been raped or killed...I shouldn't be here. I can't pray. God has done too much for me."

Her green eyes searched me for a moment of shock, judgment, disbelief...something. But I was not shocked, I had no judgment about her, and I didn't doubt a thing she said. Without even flinching, without even blinking, without even wavering I said to her, "God has blessed you. He is going to continue to bless you. He loves you, and all he wants you to do is believe that he will take care of you."

Her green eyes searched me still, but now inquisitively-not challenging me. I said, "Although your story is sad, you are not the only person that has gone through the things you have gone through. It's hard because it is YOU. If God didn't love you, if he didn't know YOUR heart-he would have left you a long time ago."

She told me that she tries to open up and express her feelings, but it is hard because she has trust issues. She said that she can't talk to the therapists because she feels like they are only there because they have to be. And I shared with her the positive side of that. That she doesn't HAVE to worry about what they think of her, that they are there to explain her feelings without anything personal invested. That them HAVING to be there should make her feel better about opening up to them, because they expect nothing in return. Just for you to make YOURSELF better. She hadn't thought of it this way, I could see it in her eyes.

She said that she doesn't want to keep her parents away from her child, because she wants them to know him. She said they are both clean, but she has anger and trust issues with them still. I was amazed at her courage. To be treated like that by both parents, I had assumed they were no longer in contact with each other. I told her I could not imagine being that brave or that strong. I told her that her willingness to believe that they have changed and give them a second chance shows she is much further along in her progress than she gives herself credit for. And with all people in our life that we have issues with, we have a right to tell them how they have hurt us. We just have to be realistic about what our expectations are about how they react. I told her she has a right to tell them how she feels, but one of two things will happen. One, they will not realize the ways in which they have hurt you. This will start a new process with them where they will have questions too. Or two, they just won't see it your way-and to them nothing needs to change. In both situations, you have to be prepared for that person to also tell YOU how you have hurt them-and your reaction will be the same of the two options. But then after that-we have to let it go, and not move ON, but move UPWARD.

As the words were coming out of my mouth, I was holding back tears. I was so full, so happy that God was using me as his vessel. These words were not my words, because as they came out of my mouth they touched my heart too. I told her that too often we give people so much of our energy because of the position that they play in our lives. That too often we allow ourselves to be persecuted because we have told ourselves that that person has a right to make us feel that way. Too often we care so much about the judgments that other people make on us, when in reality-as long as we are still being blessed-we know that yes, our God will hold us accountable but even in the midst of our judgment-he is blessing us anyhow. We can not expect people to be this good to us, so why do we try? Why do we try to just move on with the burdens that are unnecessarily placed on us by other people still drag behind us and slow our progress. Why is that we are only trying to move on at the same level that we've been, instead of moving UPWARD? Why is it that when God shows us plainly what the unnecessary burdens are in our life, we continuously try to bear them instead of handing them to God and letting HIM handle his own children so that we can move UPWARD?

And as I said this to her, I had a picture in my head. Unloading a bag of hurt; unloading a bag of unnecessary reflection of the things that hurt me; unloading the people that have shown me that they don't deserve my time, love, attention, or affection; unloading all the things in my past that weigh me down, but allowing the blessings that came out in the midst, the strength that I gained, the endurance that I showed, and the love that I still have to get under my feet and lift me up instead of carrying it on my shoulders and letting it weigh me down.

And in my picture, as I moved upward I kept telling myself "Don't look down". I can't look down. If I have in fact left anything or anyone beneath me, I don't have to look down. God will raise them UP. And as I look around at the people in my life who are around me now, I see that they didn't look down for me...they just extended an arm and lifted me up when I needed it most. Because God had already raised me up, but I let the cares of this world and what I thought were the problems of my life weigh me down unnecessarily.

And just for confirmation, the message Sunday came from 1 Corinthians 10: 11-13.

11These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come. 12So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! 13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.


How many times did I feel like I had been through things to help somebody? How many times did I say "I know what you're going through, I've been there!"?? And I was right. God put's people in our lives to show us that we aren't going through anything that hasn't already tempted somebody else. It is just up to us to see that as a blessing and unload that burden and move upward...or try to unnecessarily carry it and move on wth no progress and the only thing to show is the scars from the same burdens you choose to carry and not let go of.

I think it's my mind telling me I should still be hurt by what has happened. But I'm not. I didn't do anything wrong. And if I truly left something that God had in store for me, he certainly doesn't want me to wait around for it-because that time I spend trying to figure out why I have lost something is time taken away from Thanking GOD for all he has blessed me with! He has bigger plans for me. And while I try my best to just rise UP to do what God has for me to do, the things that I need he will rise them up to meet me where I'm at.

I have got to move up.

No looking down.

I am moving up.

Thank you, God.

Self-Reflection...Preservation

I'm still shaking.

But for once-the thoughts in my mind are clear.

I walked around the lake again today. It has become habit. Now more than ever, I have an urge to push my body to it's limits. To get back in shape the way I know I should be. To be healthy as ever, because that should be what we want for ourself anyway. At first I thought it was just something I was doing to distract myself. Often times I have wanted to just tire myself out so that I could sleep for any length without waking myself up with my thoughts.

Today, our Pastor asked the congregation to fast from 6 am until 6 pm in preparation for our 14th Church Anniversary. He focused on three major points to study, fast, and pray over. The first one...self reflection. From Galatians 2: 20-21

20 I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. 21 I do not set aside the grace of God; for if righteousness comes through the law, then Christ died in vain.”

I don't know where to start...I don't know where this will end. But talk about some self reflection.

Obviously, the demise of my relationship has entrapped my mind for the last almost two weeks. Searching for what went wrong. Remembering things that should have thrown a flag. Mostly being depressed, then mad, then angry, then sad about the whole thing.

Today, there was a couple holding hands walking in front of me. They both had their own iPods, but they walked hand in hand...exchanging looks from time to time, but they walked in silence. Each walking to their own beat-but still walking together. I thought, well-thank you God for showing me what that love was like. Then I wondered how many people have had to get over love like that-how it affects you in the future...but that is a post for another time :-)

I thought to myself that I miss his affection. His love. I thought WE had a connection like that. Then I remembered how connected I felt to him when he made love, how special it was because we were in love...
and something stopped me right in my tracks.

Self reflection.

"I have been crucified with CHRIST...who loved me and gave himself for ME"

Then I remembered that when "we" were still a "we"...we made a vow to abstain from sex. We made up rules about what we could do and couldn't do...but we both agreed that we wanted our relationship to be blessed. I remember saying, from my OWN mouth, that I could respect that he wanted to do this-but I was not completely into it. I can remember NOT FEELING BAD about having sex with him even though we said we wouldn't. I remember EVER SO VIVIDLY now that I made a promise to GOD and I broke it without any remorse, without second thought...and without EVER repenting. I wanted a timeline for how long we had to abstain. I wanted to do it for a certain period before we got married. Shouldn't we all so thankful that Jesus never asked how long he would have to wait before going to Heaven? Shouldn't we all be so thankful that he didn't lay out any rules or limits before he got up on that cross?

Self reflection.

Indeed, I can not control what somebody else does with THEIR salvation, but I will be held responsible for my own.

My body is a temple. Given to ME to preserve. And I have done nothing to preserve it the way I should have. I have done nothing to thank God for preserving it FOR ME when all that a doctor could say is "You could die from this". I have preserved my body for the pleasure of others. Not God.

As I walked, I realized...we had a glimpse of what that connection can be. We didn't have sex, we truly made love. It fixed things for us. It became THAT that made us feel connected. That is NOT a blessing. That was NOT given to us by God...that is the enemy at work. My God, My God-how I see it so clearly now. Physicality took over spirituality. Lust took over love. Flesh took over spirit.

If we would have waited like we said we would...it wouldn't have been any less special. It would have been MORE special. It was a connection that neither of us ever felt. It is a connection that is for MARRIAGE. I did get to a point where I believed that it would benefit us, but when he was weak-I didn't try to stop him. I gave in. I gave up. And everytime I gave my body to him or to any other man, I slapped my God right in the face.

So I have to ask myself, if a man thinks that my body is good enough for him to take physical control of, but not care about my salvation-why have I given it so many times? If a man wants to act like a husband but can not BE a husband, why should I wait for him to make up his mind? Why should I give up my body in the meantime? I'd rather die alone than rot in hell knowing I quenched the lust of any man that doesn't have enough self-control to think about God, his salvation, and my life.

Why have I demanded that I be respected, when I didn't even have enough self respect or respect for GOD to stand up for what IS right? To even CARE about what is right. And if I don't care about what GOD thinks of me-why should any man care about it either?

It indeed was a beautiful thing, but I am so ashamed of my weakness. I am so ashamed of my willingness to let one moment of satisfaction get in the way of an eternity in heaven.

So, indeed, I should push my body. I'm training for the race of a lifetime, and the finish line offers me an eternity in heaven.

I know this is not the only thing-but it is a big thing for me.

I have so many thoughts on this, but they are not clear right now.

Self reflection. I see the reflection. I don't want to look at that anymore.

Now that I've seen the reflection, it's time for preservation.

My body is a temple. My body is God's temple. He gave himself for ME. So why have I given myself so freely to everybody BUT God.

I can't tell anybody else what to do. I can't and won't judge anybody else's relationship with God or try to tell you how to get to Heaven.

For me, I will not let anybody disrespect me or my body again. I won't let lust get in the way of what I know is right. I won't let my past behavior be an indication of what I will do in the future.

Reflection indicates looking into the past. I have to move forward from that.

I don't want my self reflection to show how selfish and ungodly I have been.

I want my reflection to show how good God has been to me. I want my reflection to show that I am a child of God and have acted accordingly. I want my reflection to show that I preserved myself and prepared myself for what God has in store for me.

My self reflection shouldn't just be a reflection of me. It should also be a reflection of what he has done for me.

I asked God to forgive me, and my faith tells me he already has.

I asked God to help me, my faith tells me he already is.

And as confused about life as I am right now, there is no confusion in knowing that he is directing me and showing me where I should go.

And in my reflection, I can see that I have stood in the way of what he has tried to do in my life for far too long.

I'm moving out of the way.

Self-reflection. This is the last time I reflect upon my life and stand alone.

"...it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me"

And the next time I reflect...THAT is what I want to see.

Psalms 143

Psalm 143
A psalm of David.

1 O LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief.

2 Do not bring your servant into judgment, for no one living is righteous before you.

3 The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead.

4 So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed.

5 I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.

6 I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Selah

7 Answer me quickly, O LORD; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit.

8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

9 Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD, for I hide myself in you.

10 Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

11 For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.



Thank you Lord, for your word. Because without it right now, I would certainly be lost.

There's nothing more for me to say here. Simply because, I can't lead myself right now.

I am looking to the hills...

Yes, my help is here.