Nothing Personal...

So again, I am in the dark...in silence...being ignored.

However, it's a lot more clear to me this time.

We've had conversations about past hurt...past relationships, just getting through and over the things that haunt you from your past.

I know where he's at. I remember how helpless I felt when I didn't know if my life was going this way or that, up or down. I rejected help and masked my own confusion and hurt with the illusion that I had it all together and I was FINE. There was nothing worse for me than thinking those exact people who had got me down were doing better than me and there was no way that I would let them see how much I was really suffering.

In hindsight, my over-reactiveness to my own situation should have shown how out of control I really was to anybody that truly cared. And those people that reveled in my misery, that got joy out of my pain-I learned how to weed them out and throw them away. It is a process.

In the midst, I am still always thinking of how he prides himself on being fair, nice, caring to those who have hurt him because I really have to wonder how it is that I can't get those same basic respects? I start to feel bad for the things that I couldn't do for him...but then I realize I didn't have to DO anything.

Does he appreciate who I am? Does he know the support and love that I have to offer?

I don't know.

He said I take things too personally, but this-I am not going to take personal. I have got to keep it moving because part of me thinks that his necessity to feel needed would be in me having a breakdown of sorts because I can't talk to him, because there is no communication.

I know him so much better than I sometimes think he knows himself. He claims to hate these games, but it is THE games that he still plays with those he wants to have control over that is hurting him now. That inner urge to want to know that you can control somebody by the emotions that they have for you because they have somehow hurt you in some way. The necessity to be needed without the knowledge of knowing that being needed by THOSE people is exactly what keeps you down.

I have felt TERRIBLE for getting my wallet stolen, being unable to provide for him as I said I could and SHOULD be able to...then I have to step back and realize that maybe these things are not going wrong because of ME-maybe it's his lesson.

So I'm stepping back-but I have got to continue to be the woman I am. A friend said "You are the woman he needs, but not the one he deserves".

He deserves everything he has coming to him, good and bad-that's out of my control.

All I have to offer is unconditional love, unwavering support, and a steadiness I'm not sure he is used to. It's his to have, but I can't force feed it down his throat. I let him know I am here and not going anywhere and that is all I can and will do.

Nothing personal.