She's not here anymore...

Life is full of ups and downs.

I started this blog as my heart, my soul, my total being was in turmoil.

Somehow, things rectified themself and I got back the one thing I was the most sure about ever in my life. Things have been good, but not easy.

So, I am at a point again where I'm just waiting to be told that I'm "not it", except for this time...I won't fall apart and I am hoping and praying it doesn't come to this. I know what it's like to be at a point where you don't know how life got to be where it is and you don't know where it's going. I know what it's like to lay down and wish you could sleep until your problems had somehow managed to fix themselves. I know what it's like to feel like life is handling YOU and you are not handling it.

I'm pushing too hard. Pushing too hard to save him from hurt, stress, and unnecessary anxiety in MY eyes. But it's not my life. I think I forgot so quickly that he always said he just wanted me to be "there". We progressed from this, but I see everytime things get hard-we will go back to this.

I don't deserve to be reminded of everything that he's done for me in what seems like resentment. I refuse to even make a list of all the things I have done for him because I did them because I love him, because I wanted to, and I expect NOTHING in return for what has been given out of love. But-just like the rest of them-what I did before is what I DID.

That selfish woman that protected her heart...
That selfish woman that hurt others to prevent hurting herself...
That selfish woman who only took regard to her own personal wants and needs...
That selfish woman who did things behind backs for her own personal satisfaction...
That selfish woman who took so much to only give it back in ire...

She's not here anymore.

I don't have to prove it...it can be seen.


"You are the woman he needs, but not the one he deserves"...

From a friend on the outside looking in.

He deserves everything that I have to offer him, that is my choice. But he doesn't want to need it. I'm here, I have proven that. I'm not going anywhere I have shown that.

And if my past is all that he can see, it's probably very likely that his own past is holding him back too.

I pray for him.
I pray for me.
I pray for us.

I don't hope that things will get better, I know they will.

He has a great calling on his life and I believe in him so much. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

I acted out of character, I allowed myself to be tested, because even I forgot...She's not here anymore.