It's hard to wrap my head around all the thoughts and put them together cohesively because there's so much. It's amazing how much breadth and freedom PEACE gives to you. There was a time when I wouldn't have been able to process barely one thing at a time because every piece of me was in turmoil. And now I understsand-PEACE that surpasses all understanding. How thankful I am that every single unexpected turn now invokes a smile and a "Thank you Jesus", instead of tears and terror. How thankful I am that every obstacle that comes my way makes me glow because I'm amazed that God is still yet making me better. And when I make mistakes now, instead of pretending like I don't know better or don't care-I feel the error right away. I am only human-but I am so much more in tune with ME.
Now on the subject of mistakes-I've made a couple that I'm not necessarily proud of, not necessarily sorry for, and not completely sure if I should consider them mistakes, personal weakness, or....??? What I can say, is that I am so proud of myself for letting myself FEEL. For working through my feelings and doing what's good for ME, doing what makes ME feel good, looking at myself in the mirror and saying "YOU DESERVE THE WORLD and it's YOURS FOR THE TAKING!"
**Sidenote**If we don't talk often, you might be confused by the names we have assigned to these men-and also-I want all my single women to get in on the nicknaming convention me and my BFF's have taken up-it's so much more fun!**
True enough, about a month ago I was absolutely conflicted with how to feel. Mr. Special Agent IS perfect, he's everything I could ever want, ask, and hope for. But he's not HERE. How can I hold on to a relationship that may or may not happen? How can I commit myself to someone that is not even sure what the next steps are in his life? Why am I trying to do that anyway? My feelings stand as they are. I think he is absolutely amazing, I stand by that. But so am I. We have talked about taking the next steps but what I realized is that it is in my nature to make it so easy for them, to do what I can to show that I'm in it 100%. I take five steps forward and just hold my hand back waiting for that person to grasp it so I can help them along. I can't do that anymore. I let him know where I STAND. I'm not moving forward without him, I'm not going anywhere. I'm HERE. And if here is where he wants to be-he can take the steps. I've shown him where my heart is, I've shown him who I am, I've shown him what he can have and that is all I will do. No more trying to figure out what I can do to be more, I'm all I NEED to be. He is amazing, but so am I. It will happen anyway that it will happen. I am here and willing. What more can I do? I've done enough. I think we could be great together, but I'm just not going to spend any more time wondering, hoping, wishing-it is what it is. It will be what it will be. I'm HERE.
So it seems that when you move on all your ex's seem to want to move in because you are "The best thing that ever happened to them". Well, guess what? I knew that when you LEFT ME. I can look back and remember when each one used to leave an imprint on what I thought was my heart, but it was really my pride. The constant questions of WHY did he do this...WHY did he do that. I realized a long time ago that no matter what someone's explanation was, it will NEVER be good enough for your heart. I had to learn that forgiveness comes from inside. Forgiveness is when you don't need an explanation, you don't need an apology, you don't need anything from that person and you don't wish harm upon them. Probably for most women the hardest thing to deal with is when a man cheats on you because you want to know what SHE had that you don't. It doesn't matter. In a lot of relationships, I would ask this question but then look at myself and realize I was only getting exactly what I was giving. And in the last with Anthony (he doesn't get a nickname, doesn't deserve any thought!), I was so shocked because I hadn't given him ANY of that. I had never done anything. My constant questions of "What else could I have done" quickly turned into realizing that it was HIM that was broken not ME, and that his exit in my life was timely, necessary, and the BEST thing for ME.
A couple weeks ago I got a visit from Mr. Physics. I don't count Mr. Physics as an ex, because he was never that special to me. I know it sounds harsh, but that's real. He is a great friend to me, we have many things in common, but to his dismay-what we don't share is a mutual affection for each other. To be blunt, Mr. Physics had nothing to offer me but friendship and his body. Because he is such a good person, somewhere along the way I just didn't feel right about this since his feelings were real. We hung out from time to time, but I stopped the physical relationship because I didn't want to lead him on to think it could go somewhere else. He is gorgeous, he is well educated, he is a spiritual man, he is a GREAT catch-but he just does not do it for me. Coincidentally, Mr. Physics and Mr. Special Agent LOOK like they could be twins. They drive similar cars, they have quite different paths but have achieved similar goals, and on an amazing scale-I'd have to put them about equal. Somehow, I thought that we were good enough friends that I could share this with him. Not so. I had shared with him a couple details from my trip and I hadn't talked to him after that but I thought nothing of it, because we don't talk that often. So, after getting home from a night out with friends there was a knock on my door. I really thought it was my friends coming back because they had forgot something. Nope. Big as day, Mr. Physics with some things he needed to get off his chest. Now listen, I'm in NO WAYS interested in leading someone on, and I've told him this TIME AND TIME again. He wanted me to hear him out...and allllllllllllll the alcohol I'd consumed had different plans. I'm not proud of this. This went back to Pimpin' 101.
"I never meant to make you feel that way"
"I didn't want to hurt you, I just was scared"
"Well, yeah we can try-what kind of cologne is that?"
"OF COURSE I love/d you"
...
...
...
"Come upstairs and tell me"
Mr. Physics is not stupid, and he was not amused that I was trying to take advantage of the situation. He called me on it, AS HE SHOULD HAVE. But then wanted me to think about our situation. His argument was that I didn't have to go way out to Mr. Special Agent, when he is right HERE. But how many times do I have to tell him I don't WANT him here?
Why do we beg someone to want us when we think they should? Maybe the whole "relationship" between Mr. Physics and I bothers me because I KNOW I have done this. I know I have compared myself to someone else and said, BUT YOU CAN HAVE ME! Never again. I never meant to hurt him, but I just want to scream at him that if I can't appreciate who he is, FIND SOMEONE THAT DOES! I'm not going to beg someone to see who I am, if they can't see me for me and appreciate that-I can't make them see it. Time to move on.
I will never do that...again.
As they come out of the woodwork, I see so many things that I accepted and gave passes for that now...are just NOT ok.
So many things to never do again...
To be continued...
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