Self-Reflection...Preservation

I'm still shaking.

But for once-the thoughts in my mind are clear.

I walked around the lake again today. It has become habit. Now more than ever, I have an urge to push my body to it's limits. To get back in shape the way I know I should be. To be healthy as ever, because that should be what we want for ourself anyway. At first I thought it was just something I was doing to distract myself. Often times I have wanted to just tire myself out so that I could sleep for any length without waking myself up with my thoughts.

Today, our Pastor asked the congregation to fast from 6 am until 6 pm in preparation for our 14th Church Anniversary. He focused on three major points to study, fast, and pray over. The first one...self reflection. From Galatians 2: 20-21

20 I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. 21 I do not set aside the grace of God; for if righteousness comes through the law, then Christ died in vain.”

I don't know where to start...I don't know where this will end. But talk about some self reflection.

Obviously, the demise of my relationship has entrapped my mind for the last almost two weeks. Searching for what went wrong. Remembering things that should have thrown a flag. Mostly being depressed, then mad, then angry, then sad about the whole thing.

Today, there was a couple holding hands walking in front of me. They both had their own iPods, but they walked hand in hand...exchanging looks from time to time, but they walked in silence. Each walking to their own beat-but still walking together. I thought, well-thank you God for showing me what that love was like. Then I wondered how many people have had to get over love like that-how it affects you in the future...but that is a post for another time :-)

I thought to myself that I miss his affection. His love. I thought WE had a connection like that. Then I remembered how connected I felt to him when he made love, how special it was because we were in love...
and something stopped me right in my tracks.

Self reflection.

"I have been crucified with CHRIST...who loved me and gave himself for ME"

Then I remembered that when "we" were still a "we"...we made a vow to abstain from sex. We made up rules about what we could do and couldn't do...but we both agreed that we wanted our relationship to be blessed. I remember saying, from my OWN mouth, that I could respect that he wanted to do this-but I was not completely into it. I can remember NOT FEELING BAD about having sex with him even though we said we wouldn't. I remember EVER SO VIVIDLY now that I made a promise to GOD and I broke it without any remorse, without second thought...and without EVER repenting. I wanted a timeline for how long we had to abstain. I wanted to do it for a certain period before we got married. Shouldn't we all so thankful that Jesus never asked how long he would have to wait before going to Heaven? Shouldn't we all be so thankful that he didn't lay out any rules or limits before he got up on that cross?

Self reflection.

Indeed, I can not control what somebody else does with THEIR salvation, but I will be held responsible for my own.

My body is a temple. Given to ME to preserve. And I have done nothing to preserve it the way I should have. I have done nothing to thank God for preserving it FOR ME when all that a doctor could say is "You could die from this". I have preserved my body for the pleasure of others. Not God.

As I walked, I realized...we had a glimpse of what that connection can be. We didn't have sex, we truly made love. It fixed things for us. It became THAT that made us feel connected. That is NOT a blessing. That was NOT given to us by God...that is the enemy at work. My God, My God-how I see it so clearly now. Physicality took over spirituality. Lust took over love. Flesh took over spirit.

If we would have waited like we said we would...it wouldn't have been any less special. It would have been MORE special. It was a connection that neither of us ever felt. It is a connection that is for MARRIAGE. I did get to a point where I believed that it would benefit us, but when he was weak-I didn't try to stop him. I gave in. I gave up. And everytime I gave my body to him or to any other man, I slapped my God right in the face.

So I have to ask myself, if a man thinks that my body is good enough for him to take physical control of, but not care about my salvation-why have I given it so many times? If a man wants to act like a husband but can not BE a husband, why should I wait for him to make up his mind? Why should I give up my body in the meantime? I'd rather die alone than rot in hell knowing I quenched the lust of any man that doesn't have enough self-control to think about God, his salvation, and my life.

Why have I demanded that I be respected, when I didn't even have enough self respect or respect for GOD to stand up for what IS right? To even CARE about what is right. And if I don't care about what GOD thinks of me-why should any man care about it either?

It indeed was a beautiful thing, but I am so ashamed of my weakness. I am so ashamed of my willingness to let one moment of satisfaction get in the way of an eternity in heaven.

So, indeed, I should push my body. I'm training for the race of a lifetime, and the finish line offers me an eternity in heaven.

I know this is not the only thing-but it is a big thing for me.

I have so many thoughts on this, but they are not clear right now.

Self reflection. I see the reflection. I don't want to look at that anymore.

Now that I've seen the reflection, it's time for preservation.

My body is a temple. My body is God's temple. He gave himself for ME. So why have I given myself so freely to everybody BUT God.

I can't tell anybody else what to do. I can't and won't judge anybody else's relationship with God or try to tell you how to get to Heaven.

For me, I will not let anybody disrespect me or my body again. I won't let lust get in the way of what I know is right. I won't let my past behavior be an indication of what I will do in the future.

Reflection indicates looking into the past. I have to move forward from that.

I don't want my self reflection to show how selfish and ungodly I have been.

I want my reflection to show how good God has been to me. I want my reflection to show that I am a child of God and have acted accordingly. I want my reflection to show that I preserved myself and prepared myself for what God has in store for me.

My self reflection shouldn't just be a reflection of me. It should also be a reflection of what he has done for me.

I asked God to forgive me, and my faith tells me he already has.

I asked God to help me, my faith tells me he already is.

And as confused about life as I am right now, there is no confusion in knowing that he is directing me and showing me where I should go.

And in my reflection, I can see that I have stood in the way of what he has tried to do in my life for far too long.

I'm moving out of the way.

Self-reflection. This is the last time I reflect upon my life and stand alone.

"...it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me"

And the next time I reflect...THAT is what I want to see.