The E-mail to only be heard in my world...

I am posting this for peace of my own mind. It has not been sent-it probably never will be and I"m certain that here there is no way for it to get to him...but it is for me.

Mr.,
I haven't contacted you because I wanted to respect your space and your decision. I did, however, think that by now, we would have had some communication-but I understand that you have quite a lot going on right now.

This weekend has been very hard for me, only because I'm not sure I fully understand how a small miscommunication ended up here. My first thought was that I certainly got what was coming to me in the form of how our relationship ended before. Mr.-If you were hurt like this, or confused like this. I truly apologize. My actions at that time were not because of you but because of things I was going through on my own. I'm not trying to justify this by saying that is your case-but I am truly saying I am sorry for hurting you in the past.

I have gone through this over and over and over and OVER in my head trying to figure out what I did wrong, what I said, just ANYTHING to give me some clarity for why we ended up here, but I have not found it. So from your statement, it seems you believe that I don't understand the notion behind what your lifestyle will be like. Then after a conversation with a friend, I was informed that you had had doubts for quite some time that I was ready for this next step you are taking. In the friends opinion, you may have wanted to experience some of the "crazy" things you had seen in the industry-and I think I know you better than that-but that could also be so. I don't fault you for that at all.

Also by your statement, you stated you need someone to just go with you. So, I still tried to go back and see where we weren't moving together. Mr., the thing is, you've been moving forward this whole time, and it was your request that I just "be here". And that's what I have done-it doesn't mean I have been stagnant in my life. I have completely understood that you need someone to support you and not ask any questions, and after you made that clear-that's what I have done. When you have asked for suggestion-I have given it. And really-it wasn't until your stay with me that we made this clear. So I don't know if we even had enough time to see if that worked for us or not.

To be fair to you, I have to really clarify where my feeling that you didn't consider ME came from. To just be honest, it came from the whole fiasco with the trip. I know I came to Your City and we had a great time, not to take ANYTHING from that, but you took care of everything, we had a very good time and then it was like I was supposed to forget it ever happened. After the short conversation we had in the airport, I could see that to you the issue was resolved. We had fixed it-but we never really did. I didn't bring it up again because you know I hate when people do that to me, and I didn't want to do it to you but you basically disregarded my feelings to do what you thought was right for your parents-even though you didn't even agree with them, and you admitted that. That is a hard pill to swallow. Then, after reading the e-mail from Sister, I understand you already had these things on your mind. Even though you said that Sister is not qualified to give you relationship advice because of her own issues, a lot of the points she made are things that repeatedly came from you as well. I don't know Sister. That e-mail only took me back to how upset I used to get because people judged me before they even knew who I was. If nothing else, it was important for me to see exactly how far I HAVE come. It was a weak moment for me, but honestly-after talking to you and talking to a mutual friend that Sister and I have, I understood where Sister might be coming from based on her own situation. I don't know it, I don't pretend to know it and to be mad at her would be downright childish. You said that you don't take her all of her advice to heart, but I heard alot of what she said in what you said to me in your last statements to me. I'm not mad at her for saying what she said because she knows you better than anybody and in many situations, I have been very thankful for the relationship the two of you have because I know she is the only person besides me, that you really confide in. Everybody needs an outlet, and I am glad you have that in her. She took what I said and she interpreted it the way she saw it, but you know me better. And it is to those points that I feel like I need a moment.

Mr., when I said I was a broken person-it's because I thought you knew what I meant. When we first started talking again seriously-you told me you were a broken man living on a prayer and a promise and that's all you had to offer. This is something I knew you would understand because we have been there at different times in our life. The thing about it is, to say and see that you have been broken means you have picked up the pieces and are moving forward. Yes, I may have been a broken person but I can look at the wounds and carry on. Of course I have problems, and I have issues, but I confront each problem, each issue right in the face and I deal with it. The person that can see issues and problems in another person should take a good, long HARD look at themself in the mirror-because we see in other people what we know about ourselves. I have never tried to give you my issues and have them to be yours. As a friend, I confided in you when I was upset, just as you have done. And any issue I thought would affect you, I gave you the information I thought you needed to be able to process it on your own and make your own judgement. Really, the only issue I ever had that you would have had to deal with was my "relationship" with Son's Father. And when I asked you for your input, it was not for you to DEAL with my issues. These are issues I have already dealt with. If I need somebody to deal with my issues, or to give my issues to someone-I know how to pray. To me, I wanted you to know everything about me. What I"ve been through, how I got through it, so you would know me...and I believe you did the same. It's how we learned about each other. In a moment of weakness, I took every fault I had and laid it on the line for you to show you that I don't in any way think that I have it all figured out, but I find a way to get it figured out and I thought we were doing that together with the problems that came up in OUR life. I haven't accepted that my life sucks-I wouldn't even claim that...because I would be telling God that I'm not grateful for every blessing that he was gracious enough to rain down on me. My life certainly does not suck. And if I was ignorant enough to only deal with problems the way I always have-I definitely would not be here. I deal with things as they come, and after I deal with them I make adjustments in my life so they don't come up AGAIN. I take what I have learned in life, from other people, from prayer and study and I use those tools to get me a step ahead each time. And the fact is, regardless of what I've been through, I'm still moving forward and up at the same time, and I couldn't do that without God. It doesn't take courage to admit that you have problems, it takes courage to look in the mirror and realize that at the root of all your problems is yourself. I've done that, and that's why I'm NOT the person that you knew before, that's why now I am who I am. I did not have to judge other people, look down at them, or kick anybody on the way. And for those that judged me, it's not for me to be angry with them, God will deal with them in his own way. Every enemy, every person that has hurt me, every person that wanted ill for me, I had to forgive them. That was for ME. I understand the implications of rededicating your life to Christ because I've been there too. It has occurred to me that you actually did hear me saying that everything you did was wrong because that's what you are used to. It was never my intention to "correct" you or "fix" you or do anything but give you an honest opinion in LOVE. I have never tried to control you, regardless of what anyone thinks. It has also occurred to me that I was not wrong for communicating my feelings with you, you just aren't used to that. YOu showed this in everyday matters. When they asked you to change some things in your music, you took it personally and didn't want to change it because you thought what you had was good enough. They didn't tell you it was wrong, they just wanted something different. It's still yours. I know this is a very sensitive subject so please know that I am treading lightly and these things that I am saying are not to put anybody down in any way, especially you. We both agreed that we never wanted to be in a relationship where one person kept things from the other, or things were hidden. And that is the kind of open relationship we have both worked for, I haven't hid any feelings from you even if I knew they wouldn't be received well. However, I know when I'm pushing on the line of you being too upset to hear what I have to say. This is not losing my identity behind anything. This is called compromise. There is no point in talking about something when both of us are just getting mad.

When the whole "trip" fiasco went down, you told me that I had to understand that I was dealing with close minded people who were stuck in the old days. It is one thing to understand it, and a totally different thing to have to deal with it. Mr., you are your own man. But time and time again, I hear your pain because it's almost like you feel guilty for wanting to live your life the way you know you can. You feel like you owe certain things, when in reality-you have done far above and beyond what anyone should expect. And that is what a family SHOULD do for each other. It never would have been an issue for me until I felt like their approval was more important to you than anything. THAT is why when I left I wanted to know what the next steps were. This whole fiasco was the first time you ever admitted to me that it bothered you that I didn't come out there more often. But I'm going to tell you, it DID bother me that everytime we went through anything you would bring up anything and everything you had done for me. This is not a challenge to see who is doing more for who. Anything I do for you, I do because I love you and because I want to. Anything you ask, that's what I have done. Not because I have to conform to being somebody you want, not because I have EVER lost my identity, because I love you. There is nothing you could ask for that I would consider too much-and if I just couldn't do it, I would tell you but I would damn sure try.

Often with your family, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Of course I am here for you to vent, but if anybody else would point out something about your family you would get very offensive. Just like what you said about sister-I don't know if I could have shared someone else's point of view without you getting offensive. But that's your family. And because I couldn't agree 100% either way, I didn't say anything because I didn't want you to take it the wrong way. You were beside yourself when it came down to the issues you were having with your parents, but you still wanted me to bring my SON out there. As an outsider looking in, I didn't see how that would help anything you were going through. But you took it personally and took it as me saying they are bad people. Mr.-I cannot judge your parents relationship or their marriage on anything but what you tell me, and even then I don't hold any personal feelings about it. However I feel about how they treat you or what you go through are my feelings towards YOU. Just like any parent, they teach you the best they can but it doesn't make it right. In my opinion, from the five of you-they did a fantastic job. Everybody has issues with their parents, and it's a hard lesson to learn that what they taught you might not be right for you. I know who you are, and regardless of how they frustrate you or how the way they do things drives you crazy-you do a lot of the same things that you complain about. I don't fault you for that. I have done it too. It's natural-and I have never expected you to change overnight or change at all. I have always just been here to work through it if it affects our relationship. And it has never been a case where I am always right. I know that you carry a lot of weight for everybody in your family-but I just don't know if you see how great you really are. Regardless of what they've done, what they've taught you, what you like about them, what you don't like-you are you're own person. And like every family-they will depend on you to do things until they realize it's not fair to you or they shouldn't expect it-when that realization comes-who knows. I don't know when it happened for my parents...for me personally-I had to stop waiting for their approval and realize that my own happiness was more important than what anybody said or did to me.

Mr., all I ever wanted was for you to follow your heart and bring your vision to life. I told you time and time again that if you needed space to do what you need to do, I could offer you that and you could have the peace of mind in knowing that I would always be here for you. I admitted to you that I was wrong for trying to make you see things the way I thought they made sense, but I was perfectly fine after I knew that you could see what I was trying to do for you-and then I had to realize that's really what you needed. To know that I was here, but you had to do things the way they made sense to YOU. It's not my dream...I don't see the path. I would make little jokes about marriage and children, but understand there was never any time limit in my mind. I believe that you know 100% that I am here for you. That if it took you the rest of your life to pursue that dream, that's just how long it took. What I promised you as a wife and as a mother didn't have a timelimit on it. Our relationship certainly wasn't "going nowhere" and if you felt that way, I wish you would have told me.

I never told you I didn't understand what your life would be like, you questioned me and somewhere along the line convinced yourself that I wouldn't wait around for you or I wouldn't understand the lifestyle. I told you once that I don't think you know how to be happy-and I just don't understand why. It really seems to me that you expect there to be some conflict somewhere, so when our relationship was easy-that didn't make sense to you. Anything worth fighting for will take work. "Sticking together" is NOT just for marriage. It's for any relationship that is worth something. The greatest test of any relationship is how you get over the toughest times. We have had some tough times and we have always gotten through it together. It was never easy, but we got through it, and really-I thought this was something we could get through. I did not make a commitment to you lightly or without thought. When I told you that I gave you my life, I meant that. NO ring, no piece of paper, NOTHING is going to make that any more true. The things I told you I did not need...of course they would not make sense to anybody else because it's not THEIR relationship. I

believe the thing I said to you that made you the most mad is that I don't care what other people think about how a relationship should work-I know what works for us. I"m not interested in outside appearances, opinions, anything-because I know what will work for US. It might not work for someone else, it might not seem normal-but at the end of the day-I knew that I would do anything for you-anything for us-because it was worth it. This is my life. I thought. NObody else can speak on my behalf for what they might think will work or won't. I said it, and I mean it-what anyone else thinks is relative and really-not relative to ME. Anytime you said you "just weren't ready" or you weren't "on my level" made me really wonder why you don't give yourself more credit. It's not about you "being on my level". It's just about you loving me. I love you for who YOU are. Those things don't matter to me.

There is nothing that anybody could have told me would be too hard for us. At the end of all of this, I thought I might have deserved a little more than "YOU ARE NOT IT". I would never intentionally hurt you, but it does hurt my feelings that you have shown more respect over time for people that completely disregarded your feelings, disrespected the man that you are, and hurt you to no end. We have talked, and we have made plans for as much as we could for what we know. Time and time again you said that I was everything you wanted-were you just trying to talk yourself into believing that? The hardest thing for me is trying to explain this to my SON. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. Just as God has a plan for me, I know he has a plan for him too-and I probably have underestimated his strength. But if you are truly walking away from me, you are walking away from both of us. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, and he will never be angry with you-he loves you. Mr., I love you with everything that I have-but that certainly does not mean I have lost any part of who I AM. I can only love you because BECAUSE of what I've been through I love God first, and completely love myself second. If I didn't love ME, there would be nothing that I could offer to you. At this point, I don't know where you stand because what you said seems so unlike you. If it is that you need some space, but you still want me to be here. That is all you had to say. If the things that I have done or said to you really made you that upset and you are completely done with me and everything we had, I respect that and I will leave it alone. I have no hard feelings against you. I love you and I am so proud of you for going after your dream, you will make it. I believe in you so much. If all I have to offer you is friendship, then I hope you will take that. If that is too much to ask of you, I will accept that as well.

My feelings for you have not changed, and the hard thing is-I don't think they ever will. The hardest thing about this is the notion that you ended this so abruptly, and don't even care about it anymore. I am here if you want to talk to me, and I hope you do. At any rate, I respect your decision if it is final.

I love you.



And that is it. Did I send this? NO I didn't. I sent a short unfeeling e-mail to just open the door and let him know I'm here.

And I am. My heart is with him-because it has nowhere else to go.

And that might seem strange to you-but I don't know how to stop loving someone when it went as deep as I thought our love went.

I never thought I'd be open enough to GIVE somebody my heart like this, so I don't know how to take it back.


As much as I want to send this-and as hurt as I am. I still have my dignity. If he wanted to know how I felt-I suppose he would have asked.

I guess for me, to publish things here means I can't pretend like it's not happening how it really is.

It is what it is.

And today, still.

I'm just not "IT".