Is it you?

Is it you?

9 o’clock in the evening

I hope to be tired

My mind never rests

My heart pounds harder by the second

The needs of my body are unheard

I put all my hope in two little pills that

May or may not bring rest.

Physical rest.

Do you miss me tonight?

Do you remember the daily talks, laughs, conversations.

Why can’t I get you out of my head.

Is it you?

10 o’clock in the evening

The quiet time I dread

The time when my mind takes over

Memories flood the cavity of all other thoughts

They take over everything about anything

I feel no effects from the pills

I feel that my body needs stillness

Are you laying in bed?

Are you missing me like this?

Is it you?

11 o’clock in the evening

Nothing.

Not even the slightest hint of drowsiness

Tears come and go

Frustration looms

Sadness hovers

Sleep nowhere to be found

Are you angry with me?

Are you mad because I haven’t called?

Was I a waste of your time?

Is it you?

Midnight

The TV is on

The sound is turned down

The picture is clear

I see nothing.

I close my eyes hoping for rest

I toss and turn hoping to fall off into sleep

You will not leave my thoughts

You will not leave my mind

Is it you?

1 o’clock in the morning

My heart is beating so fast

I can’t hear anything but the pounding

Inside my head

The house is creaking

For one moment I wonder

If someone came in

Or did you just enter my dreams?

Did you bust into the realm of my unpeaceful rest?

Is it you?

2 o’clock in the morning

I fight to get back to sleep

Even if just for a fleeting moment

It’s sleep

Empty space with no thoughts

Quiet time in my head

But I long for your touch

I long to hold you

To touch you

To graze my lips against yours

I long to hear you say “I love you”

Is it you?

3 o’clock in the morning

I tell the thoughts of my mind to go away

I chase the hurt feelings out of my heart

I open the door for anger

I welcome in the frustration

I allow rage to push away the loneliness

And even in anger-

I miss you.

I pray for you.

I want to know if you are happy.

I want to know if you think of me at all.

I want to know if I can’t get you out of my mind

Because you can’t get me out of yours.

Is it you?

4 o’clock in the morning

I give up the illusion of rest

I give up on taking things day by day

I let go of hoping each day is better

It’s all one endless period of time

Time without you

Time without the love I crave

Time that I am left to my own thoughts

Left to my own conclusions

Left to my own assumptions

Are you sleeping well?

Are you going to wake and tell someone else

Good morning and have a good day?

Are you going to wake up and wait for me to call?

Is it you?

5 o’clock in the morning

It is time to start another day

Another day that I trudge through each moment

Trying to pretend like I don’t spend every second

Missing you.

Trying to find something else to occupy my time

Instead of waiting for you to text me.

Hoping every call is you

Waiting for this nightmare to be over

Waiting for my life to be right again.

Have these thoughts awoken you as well?

Is it you?

And as 6, 7, 8, 9 and every hour comes and goes

It will be one hour closer to the time

That I can try again and

Hope for rest

Hope for peace

Hope for sleep

I will pray all day

I will think of you all day

I will cry on the inside all day

I will wonder what you are doing all day

I will hope that there is no one to replace the space

That I hope I have in your heart.

I will tell myself that it is getting easier

When I know and feel in my heart and all of my soul

That this day is no better than the last

I will smile on the outside

When on the inside I can’t find anything to smile about

I will do what I’m supposed to do

While I am secretly dying on the inside

I will push harder for the things I want

And pretend like I am newly motivated

When really it’s all I can do to keep from falling apart

I will wonder all day if you think of me

I will wonder all day if you know I think of you

I will hope that you still love me

I will hope that you know that I will always love you

I will still dream of our future

I will hope that you still think we have a future too

I will fight myself with the thought that this is over

I will talk myself into believing that you will come back to me

I will criticize myself because I feel so dumb

I will yell at myself because I have become so dull without you

Is it you?

Is it me hoping it is you?

Are we still connected so much that I know when you hurt..

I know when you are angry…

I know when you are frustrated…

But not connected enough for me to know that

There was no connection for you?

Is it you?

Is your pain like my pain?

Is your frustration like my frustration?

Is your love like my love?

Do I just hope it is like mine so that I can hold on to a glimpse

Of what I think still can be?

Is it you?

Are you here?

Will you come back?

Have you let go?

Is it you?

What do you want?

What do you need?

What can I do?

Is it you?

Or is my mind running in hopelessness

Is my heart hurting because the truth is that you are not part of me

Is my body running purely on undefined emotion

That stops me from eating, sleeping, or even being

in any way affected by the things that should slow me?

Will the questions ever stop?

Will the pain ever go away?

Will my heart beat again in the way that it did

So freely before?

Is it you?

Please.

Is it you?

8/21/08

5:38 a.m.