Mad Enough

Again, I'm back at a place where everyday is just a day. I find it hard to look forward to almost anything except for the end of the day-because that means I will have made it one more day.

I hate this empty feeling. I hate feeling like I have nothing and wondering if he has anything. I hate not believing what he said because I've never not believed him before. Looking back, there were little inconsistencies-little things that should have jumped out in my face-but because I loved him and trusted him-I turned away from it. I hate feeling like he walked away from me to walk to somebody else. I hate feeling like everything I have done is for nothing, because he didn't want what I had to offer anyway.

In my life, there have been many people that I found that I had no use for. And usually, it was about me being mad enough about whatever they did to me that made me leave them alone and erase them from my life completely. And through this process, I have been telling myself that he doesn't deserve that. I've been telling myself that I can't do that to him. And after that, I'm still alone, still hurt, still completely broken...so why am I holding on?

I have nothing to hold on to. I feel so betrayed, so stupid. What was the point of planning your life with me all these months? What was the point of putting me through all of this? What was the point? I want to believe that he does love me-but that doesn't come without knowing that I think he is falling in love with her. I don't believe for a second he is by himself-I believe he moved what was hard out of his way and now he wants to have fun and talk and plan his life with her. Wherever it's going to go.

As much as it hurts me, and as much as I have tried to control it. I am mad enough. I am mad enough to know that the person he is right now? I have no need for that person. I did not lie to him, I did not betray him, I never did anything to intentionally hurt him and he has been living his life like this all along trying to get close to her and making me feel bad about who I am. I have no time for that. I don't deserve that.

I just wanted him to be happy. I wanted things to happen in his life. I wanted to provide the support he needed in order to be able to do what he needed to do.

I am mad. And mad enough.

I have to let him go. As much as it hurts me, as much as it scares me-there is nothing he can do for me if it wasn't important enough for him to protect my heart the way I protected his.

He is a liar.

He is a cheater.

He is a person that is lost and confused and needs to find himself.

It hurts me to write those things-because I see so much more in him.

He is somebody that has moved himself into my past. I just need to find the strength to keep him there.

I believe people can change. I believe people can get better. I KNOW that what he has to offer right now, is nothing that I need.

I never thought I could love somebody the way I love him. I never thought I could commit myself to someone the way I committed to him. I never thought my life was going to have to go on without him. I never thought he was capable of this kind of deception. I never thought that he would be the person to completely break my heart so wide open that all I can do is carry it this way because I don't have the strength, energy, maybe the courage to put it back together again.

And although I love him, although I miss him, although I want him more than anything-I realize that the Anthony I thought I was loving is not the person I thought he was at all.

I'm mad enough to let go.

Now I just have to get strong enough to move on.