Never Again...

You know, my personal motto is to EVERYDAY be better than I was the day before. So instead of being pissed, sad, or overly emotional-I guess I'm going to have to take this situation and be thankful for all the things I continue to learn about myself. Deeper understanding can only lead to better things, right?

So, I've stopped trying to understand his actions. I've stopped trying to NOT be mad at him. I've stopped trying to still give him some kind of credit for the man I thought he was. That man would still be with me. So, I've had some time to think about the things that I won't do again. EVER.

I admit that in my past-I haven't had a lot of definitive relationships that people would deem normal. The relationship consisted of me getting what I wanted and that's it. I had no problem with that. I had no use for having to answer to anybody, for having to spend unreasonable amounts of time with anybody, for trying to make it more than it was. I had no desire to be called before 10 pm. I had no desire to hang out with friends and family. My only desire was to be left alone and then available when I requested. Now along with this, I gave up little to NO information about myself. For what? I wasn't trying to make any meaningful connections. Now listen, I know you may read this in complete amazement at how trifling I was. YES TRIFLING. Nobody can tell you better about the things I have done than me, and I never intend to be anything but real ABOUT ME. I hated being questioned. I hated having to pretend to care about somebody else's life-because I had enough going on on my own.

I wouldn't even call the relationship with my son's father anything close to functional. I know that people looked at me and thought I was being so silly. That he was doing what he wanted to do and I was turning away from the truth. No...for the people that really know me, they know the truth IS that we were the same. To this day, you could never get him to believe that. You could never tell him that even TODAY I don't still think the sun rises and sets in him. I just didn't get caught. Yes, for periods of time I was faithful. But everytime he cheated on me, he got cheated on. I just never got caught. I never expected to get pregnant, but when I did I think he thought he was ready for a child and marriage. And coming from a home where my parents are STILL married, I figured the right thing to do was to get married for the child's sake. The only thing that you could definitely say about the relationship is that it was dysfunctional and lasted for a long period of time. It wasn't a good situation for me. I lost a lot of things, but the best thing I learned was what I would NEVER settle for. I don't have any hard feelings towards him, because I always kind of felt like whatever I got-somehow I deserved it. The best thing I ever did was walk away from that relationship-and somehow he still hates me for that today, and even more for the fact that I don't care. Now the stupidity after I left him-well that's for another day. :-)

So anyway, when you have "acquaintances" like I did, it's not like you ever officially break anything off. I mean, these men were trained to not call me in the first place. After time went on, yes they would check in from time to time. They might get me to go out to dinner. And in a couple cases, I thought I might actually want to spend more time so there was more interaction. Telling me that they "Loved me", or I was "the kind of woman I could settle down with" was a surefire one way ticket to get your contact info changed to "Do Not Answer #x" and should I ever see that person on the street they might get a handshake and a hello. THAT WAS IT.

None of these men ever spent any real time with my son. On a few occasions I MAY have let them come to my house, but there were other people around. It was never a "just the 3 of us" situation. Now, I started to realize that my undeniable devotion and love for my son led some to think that I really did have feelings for them but I was "scared" or trying to be hard, or didn't want to get hurt. Whatever...come around when I need you-that's all I cared about.

For the ones that I did happen TO care about, there often was a situation where I knew they had another girl, whatever. In hindsight, I realize you get what you put forth. So that shadiness, the seemingly lack of ability to have one woman-I never got mad about it. I didn't care. They were looking at a mirror image in me and just didn't know it. See, I have always known that I look very innocent. And my sarcasm in telling the truth was only taken as sarcasm. I never told anybody they were my "boyfriend", or they were the only one I was dealing with-that assumption was a self made assumption that I never cosigned for. All men assumed that my schedule would only allow for maybe one man. They let the 3 times a week in church, constant running around for my son's sports, constant meetings and trips for my professional organizations and work commitments would make it impossible for me to have time for anybody else since I seldom had time for them. Conversations would be like "I hardly ever see or talk to you, if I didn't know any better I'd think you had another man" and my reply would be "Well, I don't have a man. But you hardly ever see me cause I have to make time for the other 3 or 5 negroes I got on my roster". Those comments would be laughed off. It would be assumed that I was being sarcastic.

And I hardly EVER let them come to my house. When they did, they had to come well after my son was sleep and leave right after the business was adjourned. Did none of them ever think it was strange that they had and still have NEVER seen my house? Did they not think it strange that they would come in the kitchen, go downstairs to the bedroom and leave out the same way. It was acceptable to make a pit stop in the bathroom, but shower? NO. Drinks? NO-there's a 7 eleven down the street? Dinner? PLEASE.

So to me, how is it that you could deduce that I was the type of woman you could fall in LOVE with? How could you know you wanted to settle down with me, when real talk-you were getting pimped in the WORST way. And when I really had to break it down for some of them...well-that's why most men I deal with don't talk to me now. I'm fine with that.

I am not proud of the way I handled my personal life. I am not proud of the way that I played with people's emotions. My decision to stop doing this came long before I decided to get serious with Anthony. I had really stopped dealing with everybody. IF they should happen to text, I just didn't answer. No harm no foul.

So, when Anthony and I got back together, we shared alot about our lives. Only this time, it was about the time we had not been together. And actually-in that time-I had really kind of slowed down on being like that. In the year and a half that we were not together, I really only dealt with one person on a more serious level-but nothing major. So, this behavior had gotten old to me somewhere in my mid twenties. I told Anthony everything about how I used to be. For me, I was showing him that I wasn't sneaky anymore. I had no need for that. That vindictive "You got me, but I'll get you one better" was gone. In the process, I actually did hurt a lot of good men and I'm not proud of that at all.

So in Anthony's insecurity-he really had a problem with me dealing with any ex-boyfriend. I think by now we all know his reasons why. I never really cared that he dealt with his ex-girlfriends UNLESS I felt like there was something unresolved. Talk about going with your damn gut! So then, I started being like him, telling him to stop dealing with these chicks that weren't over him. SO NOT ME.

SO-never again will I put myself in a situation where I start acting out of MY character. WE all have exes in our life, and if you spent any amount of time with them and you are both over it-there is no reason you can not be friends. I have never asked an ex boyfriend to stop dealing with an EX. But at the same time, I know NOW that if you have that feeling that unresolved feelings are there-that's between those two people still having some sort of emotional connection. And if you have an emotional connection to someone else-how can you be 100% connected to me. Emotional Promiscuity-UNACCEPTABLE. I know now that that connection should have been resolved BEFORE I came around.

Along with that, I have some exes, people I dealt with, whatever-that are actually good friends to me. I stopped talking to all of them. Stopped having any kind of reasonable communication so that Anthony could feel better about his insecurities. But-I'm not like him! I made it plain and clear to these men that we were done. And the stupid thing is-that these men are all intelligent, respectable men that didn't overstep once I made things plain. Did some overstep? YES, but I explained to Anthony that is on ME. Because in the past, I might have been dealing with somebody-but that didn't mean I wouldn't deal with them too. So it wasn't on them, it was on me but I corrected the situation. It shouldn't have been an issue after that. For most of my 30 years if people didn't know anything else about me, they know I can't stand bullshit. So why I accepted this from him...well I know why-because I love him, but really-I have never backed down from anything or anyone before, so why I started with him, not sure. Never again.

Everything I did to show him that I was really there-he just used it as his own fuel to tell himself I wasn't trustworthy. What I'm thankful for is that my friends, real friends, see the change in me and that should have been enough for me to know that it wasn't ME it was him. So to my friends, I feel like I owe an apology because it's basically like I was telling you "Thanks for noticing but you don't matter" because it was HIM that I wanted to see it.

I am so much smarter than I have been. It is true you can't help who you love. It is true that you do stupid things for love.

I worked hard for that relationship, and I don't regret a thing. I did everything I could and I damn sure gave everything I have. Anything worth having will take work, and I worked and fought for a life I thought we would share together.

But never again will I let someone else's insecurity define who I am or the things that I do.

Take it or leave it.

And I'm just finally realizing that if you leave it, I'll be okay. Because everything I worked for, everything I am, everything I have is still mine. You left-but you didn't take it.

And in all the hurt, I allowed him to make me feel like I have nothing left.

Never again.