One Victim-No Voice

Until about two years ago, domestic violence matters didn't seem that pressing to me. In most situations, it seemed like it was just a formal charge given to dysfunctional relationships. Charges, in many cases, dropped because somewhere along the line somebody would say sorry at the right time and all was well in the world again. And, although I felt for battered woman, I never understood their mentality or state of mind. Seems simple to me-you go upside MY head, I'm not going down without a fight. And the charges will NOT be dropped, you WILL go to jail. But a domestic violence charge doesn't carry too much time nor weight.

I was always aware that there were some women who felt trapped. Felt like they had nowhere to go. The emotional controlled the physical. Now, I understand emotional abuse. I stayed in a relationship for almost 6 years because that man told me that everything I had experienced in my life left me unworthy of anybody else BUT HIM. That led me to believe that I was not in fact a SURVIVOR of my circumstances, that I was actually tainted. That I was LUCKY to have him because he was the only one that understood and would accept me. He was the first person that I actually confided in about being molested for 9 years of my childhood, being a rape victim twice before I was even 12, and three times after that. The last attempted incident-my freshmen year of college which brought all the anger, all the hurt, all the feelings out-and he was there. And he acted supportive, but instead used it all against me to convince me that nobody would understand me. He was the first person I told everything to-so how could I tell anybody else? How could I confide in ANYBODY without thinking they would assume the same things he did. And then, in my mind-I was lucky to have him. He accepted me.

It was really in my college years that I acted out. I went from not trusting anybody-to trusting everybody. Notice I said that the last event in college was an ATTEMPT. I did not get raped, but the fact that somebody would try left me in a very weak state of mind. I got myself into situations that I would have never been in before. I let people take advantage of my trust because I wanted to believe in people. And when things came tumbling down around me, people turned their backs on me. The people that had got me in the MOST trouble were no where to be found and left with no blame. So, this was a pivotal point in my life. I felt like no matter what-I was not going to be happy. That no matter what I did, people were going to take advantage of me. That no matter what-I could make nobody happy and I decided the best course of action was for me to attempt to take my own life.

I planned it meticulously. I knew exactly what to take and used alcohol as an accelerant for the pills I took so that it would happen quickly. And as I laid on the floor and listened to my heart stop beating, I asked God to bless the people around me and to have his way. I called my sister, just to talk to her. Because of the amount of pills I took, I couldn't control the blurred speech or lack of coherence in my words. She asked what was wrong, and I told her I was dying. Only by the grace of God was she able to figure out a phone number I incorrectly gave her and sent somebody to come get me. They arrived to get me probably two hours after I had taken those pills. I should have been dead. I was sleeping when they came and I woke up. I stayed alert on the way to the hospital. The tylenol levels in my body were so high they were concerned my liver would be damaged, and my heart rate was irregular. Since I was conscious, they decided the best thing to do was pump my stomach. Now, listen-if you want somebody to stop drinking heavily, stop doing drugs, stop putting whatever into their body-get their stomach pumped. It will change their attitude on life!

A suicide attempt is not only hard on the person, it destroys your family and friends. Most of the time, there are signs there. Many times there are not. I started seeing a therapist, and honestly...I didn't tell that dude a damn thing about what was going on in my life. I still didn't trust anybody to accept me for who I was after everything I had been through. I suppressed it all AGAIN. I knew the reasons I acted out. I knew the things in my life that hurt me the most, but I kept it inside. I went and saw that guy for 30 minutes every week, and knew that when he looked at his watch I had five minutes left. It's just what I had to do to get on with my life.

For me, dealing with the things I had been through was entirely spiritual. Realizing that I had put my trust everywhere BUT with God. It came to me in struggling with my life and always asking God WHY I had to go through whatever I did and somewhere along the way I would say "God, I know you're going to bless me after this storm. Just help me get through it". And in teaching and starting to study my bible more realized that the storm WAS my blessing, and in waiting for it to be over I wasn't giving God credit for the ways in which he had been blessing me all along.

Not until then could I look at what I had been through and stop being angry about it. I had to stop being angry at people for not protecting me. I had to stop being angry at people for hurting me. I had to start loving myself for the person I was. I had to realize that although painful things happened to me, the hurt that I went through was directly proportional to the strength that I had to get through it. So I decided to stop hiding from myself. I decided that what I had been through is completely in vain if I can not learn, grow, and do everything in my power to help anybody out there feeling like I had. IF nothing else, to give them hope and let them know that they are NOT alone.

In my work with people, I have found that many people struggle with the same things I had struggled with. I found that although I had made some bad decisions, I had not done anything so unspeakable that I couldn't recover from it. I healed. I realized that the only person that could make me a victim is ME. As a victim, you choose to not have a voice. I am not a victim, I am a survivor of my circumstance-a living testimony that God will never leave you, he will never forsake you, and that everything that happened did happen in HIS will and he brought me out of it. This healing took many years. People don't expect you to talk openly about molestation, rape, suicide, emotional abuse, and mental instability.

So, I know for myself how destructive it is to hold things in because if you don't deal with them you still act out. I never would have compared myself or my situation to that of a domestic violence victim/survivor but I have come to learn that tramautic events invoke the same feelings within all of us-the defining factor is how we handle it outwardly.

Domestic Violence has a stigma behind it. We don't like it, but in most situations we position ourselves in the opinion that there is really nothing we can do about it. Most of the time, we think we can spot people in a bad situation-until something happens that exposes it to us. What we fail to think about is what chain of events, for both parties, that led to the event that exposed the volatility of the situation.

Many people now are speculating on the motives behind the Chris Brown/Rihanna incident. Many women are appalled that she would take him back and want her to know this is not the last time. But how do we know it is the first? He claims to have witnessed his mother being abused, so many people want to blame this on those events and label this as a perpetual cycle. Instead of thinking about the actions that he witnessed, how come nobody is asking what consequences he witnessed??

Abuse has perpetuated itself in our society over and over again. Whether it be that we don't teach our children about healthy body limits or boundaries, or we teach and don't SHOW the same things we say. Whether it be that we witnessed abuse and saw that there were no consequences so we are either scared to speak up, or not afraid of being punished. Domestic Violence situations seem to be different.

Like many, I never went to the police or anybody about what was happening to me. Mostly because I was being abused my boys not that much older than me, and this was not something we were taught about. We were taught that grown ups shouldn't touch us inappropriately-I didn't know how to process the situation I was in. However, if my situation had been brought to light-there would have been a prosecution regardless of what my position was. If a man rapes a woman and accused of rape, regardless of what she says-that man can still be prosecuted. In domestic violence situations, why is it so easy for a woman to drop that restraining order? Why is it so easy for them to allow a woman to speak on the man's behalf? It seems to me that if somebody has been convicted of rape, or molestation-we see that person as a criminal. If there is a domestic violence charge-many people assume they just don't know all the circumstances. And in the case that person is back WITH the person, that conviction bears no burden at all.

Until June 28, 2007-I didn't really understand how serious domestic violence really was. It was on this day that Kesha Tann was murdered. She attended my church. A quiet, but hard working woman. Single mother of two well rounded girls. She had a long term relationship with Freddie Mayes-a DEACON at our church. Before this day, you couldn't have said a bad thing to me about Freddie Mayes. He was an excellent role model to the young men in our church-often organizing and facilitating events for our young men to be more responsible and have positive role models. He cooked for the homeless on Saturdays. He was a funny, upbeat person that always had a smile and a hug for you. Always.

One Sunday, he stood up in church and said he was going through some things. To pray for him, really pray. And in hindsight, what we all realize now is that it was a cry for help. His fellow deacons were taking turns visiting him, making sure he was okay, and it was apparent that he was not dealing well with the break up of his relationship with Kesha.

On June 28-He killed her.
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4191/is_20070628/ai_n19344012

This event changed my life. I realized what can actually happen when you don't know what kind of emotions somebody has on the inside of them. I realized that just like I had held all the feelings in and acted out-everybody is capable. In whatever way they justify to themself.

During this whole ordeal, I couldn't fathom that we were in the presence of a cold blooded killer. I didn't know what to tell my son when he asked why Mr. Freddie took away somebody's mom. I kept telling myself that he had had some kind of breakdown, and that he would be sorry for what he did. I kept telling myself I would not judge him, because God was going to deal with him-but I was sure he would be sorry. That remorse never came. And even as he was sentenced to life in prison, he still has no remorse for taking her life.

The domestic violence issue has become near to my heart because of this. See, Kesha Tann was a domestic violence survivor. She got out of a relationship she knew was not headed in the right direction. But she was murdered because of it. Did she know he was capable of murder? She was scared of what he might do and called the police to report it, but she was unable to get an emergency restraining order because he had not physically done anything to her. So does it have to come down to violence? How come nobody is complaining about the lack of resources BEFORE somebody does get physical? How come the emotional violence is not enough?

So when a woman, OR MAN (http://www.batteredmen.com/) goes back to a relationship that we all see as doomed...I wonder what they have been through emotionally before they got to this point. I wonder how many times they thought the only way to live, was to stay with this person. I wonder how many times they allow themself to fall back in love with the person all the while telling them self that if they do the right thing, the other person won't do "it" again. I wonder why we are charging men with assault, menacing, or harassment instead of attempted murder. And I really wonder how many times a judge is going to have to sentence a murderer with domestic violence on his/her rap sheet before somebody realizes that the biggest problem with the cycle is that we are not doing anything to stop it.

I don't claim to know Rihanna or any other person's reasons for going back. I'll never stop believing that people can change and not go back to the ways they have exhibited. I will always believe that God can step into any situation and change it forever.

I can only share my story about emotional imprisonment. I can only share my experiences in knowing what it's like to be trapped in your own self. I can only tell people that they don't have to be like Kesha and the many other women I have had the opportunity to share my time with. I can only tell every person that if they choose to be a victim-they choose to not have a voice.

For every victim, there IS a survivor. For every survivor there is a voice. For every voice there are countless stories. Hopefully those stories save another victim.

All we can do is hope.

All we can do is pray.

All we can do is listen to the voice-and find the ones that don't think they deserve to be heard.