Talking to Monica

I am happy-ecstatic actually.

I am conflicted-completely.

I'm trying to figure out why I can find happiness for everyone else, but I question it when it comes around for me. Everything I've asked for, everything I prayed for, more than I could hope for-right in front of me and I can't step towards it.

So-I have to talk to Monica. I have to talk to Monica as if I'm not her. I have to give the advice I would give someone else-because my own mind is so in my way right now, I can't get past the blaring doubts that I'm throwing in the way.

So, to me-Monica is a woman that puts on a good face for everyone. Only those that really know her know when the true emotion comes even though not often. Monica takes care of people-believing that she should always do whatever she can for other people because it is the right thing to do, hoping that she will be blessed for her kindness and never expecting anything back in return because she sees the fruits of her labor in the ways she has been blessed and the lessons she has learned. Monica is a woman who stands whole only because she pieced herself together through not letting traumatic experiences as a child define her, and understanding the selfish person she became for a short period in her life left no one to suffer more than herself-and the consequences are and were just and self inflicted. Monica stands as a woman who wouldn't do a thing to change her past because her walk in faith has led her to know and believe that every single thing that happened to her happened for a reason and stands on it all as a living testimony that God has not given up on her and is still blessing her in the face of every adversity.

Monica is learning to trust herself. Monica is learning to not put so much trust in other people. Monica doesn't hold what people did against them, but takes it in again as a lesson for herself.

But...
Monica understands the hardships that happen in her life-but when good things come her way-Monica has a hard time believing that she deserves them.

Monica has taken control and not allowed people to hold her past against her-but just recently Monica has learned that she is holding it against herself wondering if she has been forgiven or if things will resurface.

So if Monica actually found a good thing and completely doubted that she deserved it, or that it could be something long-lasting, and/or worthwhile, and doubts that she even needs it...what would I say to her?

Maybe I would ask her to remember that when she loved, she loved hard with out question, without resignation, without doubt. That she prayed for the man in her life to be a good role model to her son. That she prayed that she would have a marriage built on a solid foundation. That she prepared herself and prayed to be a good woman of God in order to be what she needed to be for the man, child, and their future. That she had grasped the idea of being with somebody and stopped hiding behind wanting to be alone.

I would remind Monica that SHE said that she got the answer to her prayer, but God just showed her that she was ready but she hadn't found the RIGHT man. I would remind her that she was thankful that God showed her the way OUT and I would tell her to be proud of herself for NEVER looking back and not being angry.

I would remind her that she is ready. I would show her that her worries that her son would be adversely affected has turned out to be a blessing because he followed her lead and is fine. Maybe I would tell her that although she met this other man in what seemed to be way too fast for HER predetermined time limits...maybe God didn't want her to lose focus. Maybe while she is ready, he wanted to show her who she was ready for. Maybe I would tell her that although he may NOT be the one, there's nothing wrong with letting someone love you or WANT to love you and be a part of your life.

Maybe I would tell her that the things that seem too good to be true aren't too good to be true, but a blessing. I would probably definitely tell her that by not thinking she deserved these things would be saying that she doesn't believe in God-because if she asked for forgiveness those sins have been cast out. But to not believe is telling God that she doesn't trust him. Maybe I would tell her to stop asking why and just say "thank you".

And maybe-she would listen.

But maybe...what's going on inside of her is so much that she still can't hear what I would be trying to say. Not because she doesn't want to hear it, but because she doesn't know how to turn the other thoughts down.

I would tell her to try and just live in this moment the best she can. I would remind her that she knows that there is no harm in giving love because you don't lose anything-as much love as you give is as much as you gain whether it is returned or not.

I've been talking to Monica since I got back yesterday.

I want to look towards whats happening in my life with the same excitement, with the same hope that he does...but I can't find it. It hurts me so bad-but I can't find it in me to believe that somebody can give me back what I've given. I'm not afraid to give-I'm afraid to let somebody love me without wondering if hurting me comes with it. Then I think he doesn't deserve that, I think I shouldn't be like that...and I'm right back to where I started.

I think that it's too perfect, I think that we fit too well, I think that this just seems too right for it to be right. And as much as that doesn't make sense-it makes sense to me but I'm trying to really just let it go. I'm really trying.

I see something great...something WONDERFUL in front of me. I just can't go to it.

So, I'll keep talking to Monica-hoping that I find it somewhere inside of me to stop just having strength and start applying it. To be courageous enough to know that as much as I think he deserves is as much as I deserve. To know that as much as I don't know, is as much as I do know. To know that I will not be led wrong, and stop thinking things will go wrong.

I'm talking to Monica, but I just can't break through.

Monica is not broken.
Monica will not be defined by her past.
Monica deserves the happiness she wishes for others-and for once she really sees it and more than that she feels it.
Monica knows what she wants, she just needs to go for it.


Monica is frustrated.

Monica is overwhelmed.



Monica is scared.