The Consequence of Being Whole

Understand, I'm not trying to be boastful or anything less than humble when speaking of myself. I'm going to have to say, in my opinion, as far as women go-I'm an A+ catch. Of course that's my opinion. In a conversation with my mother, we were discussing my complete lack of being able to make a man feel needed and as I listened to her tell me I shouldn't be like that-I just couldn't compute that in my brain. My mother, married for 39 years, telling ME that it's not a good way to be. Explaining how her similar behavior has caused some distance and separation in their relationship. I couldn't accept this as sage advice. I count it as foolishness.

It's a consequence of being whole.

Admittedly, and I'm sure you probably figured that the reason for my entry is not because everything is peachy-it's because, as usual, I need an outlet so that my head doesn't explode. I'm back to where I started, ended, seem to remain-by myself. But all in all-I just don't think it's a bad place to be. I think my LETTER to "Ex-Boyfriends" will probably remain relevant my whole life. However, today I have to ask myself, if the same thing happens over and over-is it them...or is it...ME. ME??

Is there some merit to this "needing" thing my mother speaks of and I have admitted that I am not good at. But how can I not stand by my sentiment that it is better to be WANTED and not NEEDED? I was asked "What do you have to offer a man" at the beginning of this. And I told him, I have NOTHING to offer a man that needs to be needed...BUT as much as I can love me, that's how much I can love somebody else. As much as I can do for me, that's what I can do for somebody else. And in the ending of it all yesterday, my similar sentiment was I DO LOVE YOU, but I will NEVER love you more than I LOVE ME...if I don't stand up for ME, then who will? I had to also share that I WILL be ok. Am I mad? No...I'm PISSED. Am I sad? No...completely DEVASTATED. Do I have time to be lied to, straight IN MY FACE when I read the facts for myself and have names-dates-times-instances-activities-occurrences-pictures and things HE initiated and participated in permanently engraved in this God-forsaken memory? Not today. Not tomorrow. Not EVER.

It's a consequence of being whole.

I take care of people, that's what I do. And it's what I say over and over. And sometimes, yes, I get tired. Sometimes, I get frustrated-not because I need anyone to take care of me, but sometimes I need some room to breathe so that I can take care of me. I give, I give, and I give what I have and what I can because that is who I am. I thank God for having the right words to say when someone needs to hear them. I thank God for having a spirit about me that people feel comforted when I can be there for them. But I could not take care of any of the people I love physically, emotionally, or spiritually without being a WHOLE person. I do not expect anything in return, because I do not need anything in return. I am abundantly blessed in who I am. I am blessed by the friendships I have. Just because someone doesn't give in the way I do, doesn't mean they aren't giving. Only a whole person understands this.

It is a consequence of being whole.

Maybe because the way my mind works, the mathematical sense of being whole makes more sense to me. I am whole and that works for me. I am a whole number. If I add myself to another that is not whole-the addition of a fraction of a whole number and a whole number is a mixed number. See even in mathematics, it just doesn't sound right. If I add a whole number to a whole number-I get a whole number. If I have to add two fractions of a whole to get ONE whole this still isn't whole because it's a sum of parts. I can't be a whole ONLY with the addition of something else. This might not make sense to you but it makes perfect sense to me. I'm whole...and trying to add myself to anything less than that is just a mixed number...a MESS. It doesn't work.

It is my consequence for being whole.

And as hurt as my feelings are-this situation or any other one I've had to go through doesn't take a part of me. It doesn't take away from my wholeness, it adds TO IT. And the more whole I become, I realize the WHOLE I have to mix with has to be greater too...or maybe, I'm just not for mixing at all. I don't think my happiness is contingent on sharing my life with anybody other than the people I already have in it. I have loved, I believe I have been loved, and I do believe LOVE NEVER FAILS!! So apparent in my reaction to this situation-it was as if nothing much had really happened. But why fall all over myself and the situation? It was lovely while I was in love. And although I can't just fall out of love-that love is something he will never forget I am sure. That love will either teach him how to love or how he wants to be loved. It will show him he deserves love and how he should be loved. I didn't fail, love didn't fail, but it's just not enough. I can't say never, but I can for sure say not right now. I'm not sorry. Unlike the me I was some time ago, I believe that the opportunity to love someone is a blessing. Whether they receive it, appreciate it and/or reciprocate it is irrelevant. Love never fails, it never ends...the fact that you loved will always remain and I won't hold back, I won't give up, I won't be sad-it was wonderful. And I have it to give to someone else who wants it, and if not-I have it for me. The way you can love someone is directly proportionate to how much you love YOU. I'm not sorry. I will not look back. I will not be sad. I will move on as flawlessly today as I do everyday.

It's a consequence of being whole.

There are no questions to be asked. There are no what if's to ponder. There is no waiting period for forgiveness-I forgive him and realize I knew who he was all along and I hope I helped him see who I saw, who I KNOW-but I also realize the person he chooses to be may not be who he wants to be, but I can't change his mind about HIM. I know he can be better than I even know-but I don't see it NOW. Change will come, and I hope when it does he receives all the happiness, peace, and love he so deserves. I didn't foresee this ending, to be completely honest I didn't foresee an ending at all...but, I welcome God's unchanging hand in my life and trust that he knows whats best for me. I don't have any doubts-he will take care of me. Whoever will be will be. Whoever will not be just won't. I'm going to be here-thankful for the trial and claiming it as a testimony. I know how to love me...and in such, I don't need anybody else to do so-there is no greater love than the LOVE I know.

It's a consequence of being whole.