The day to day "EASE"

One of the things that I have come to expect every day, but am never prepared for is the question "Doesn't it get easier every day?" or some form of that query with different words.

And inevitably, I answer yes.

Without fail, my insides scream NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It does not get easier everyday. If anything, it's harder.

It's one more day that I still have no answers, that I still have no idea how I got here, that I still want my life back as it was two weeks and five days ago!

Today, I thought maybe I will send him a note:

"Hey-
I have written you a thousand times to tell you how I feel, but I realize this is not about me. I just want you to know that I miss you, I love you, and everything I promised you...I meant. I hope that we can talk soon"

I just replay these words or variations of these words in my head.
And then the rage.

Then immediately I am pissed off for sounding so desperate. Frustrated for really wanting to reach out to him when it is apparent that he has no need to do the same. My heart really wants to believe that he is hurting too, but my head tells me that he can't be hurting TOO badly if he was able to just move on.

My heart tells me that he did love me the way I thought he did, and he still does. My head tells me that if he loved me like that, I wouldn't be hurting like this.

EVERYTHING reminds me of him. He is everywhere. Every song, every street, every feeling, everyTHING. Little things around my house. Do I box them up and throw them away? No, I leave them where they are. Because inside of me, I keep hoping he will appear. I keep hoping he will come back. And I tell myself that if he does, I will show him that I never gave up.

The only thing that is easier is the ability to control myself. Now I can swallow the tears so they never fall down my cheeks. I can mask the pain so it's not so easy to read on my face. I can pretend like he is not in my thoughts every waking second of every day.

My life has become robotic. The same things every day to just get through the day.

Waking up in the morning and thanking God for the day. Searching for all the people that I know to be thankful for and all the people to pray for that I know need it. And then, in desperation asking him to please bring him back to me. Then apologizing for asking so vainly. Then asking God to just help me, and strengthen me for whatever it is he is preparing me for-and then thanking him for trusting me to go through it.

Then I promise myself I won't be upset when I look at my phone and KNOW that nothing will be there. Except every morning, those are the first tears I swallow because I wish he was there. I ponder reaching out to him for moments, and then I robotically go on about my day.

I pray in the shower for strength. I pray for understanding. I pray for direction. And every day, I find myself praying for him. Praying that he follow his dream. Praying that God help his vision come to life. Praying that he is happy. Praying that he knows and feels that I love him. I don't swallow those tears. I let them fall with the water.

And when I wake up my son. I put on a smile. And everyday, he opens his eyes, smiles at me, and lifts up his arm. Every morning I duck my head underneath his arms, and as he squeezes my neck and says "Good morning Mama", I swallow tears again. Not because he hurt me...but because he accepts me for who I am, and because he deserves more than this miserable existence I have come to be.

And every morning he says "What's wrong Mama?" and I smile at him and tell him I'm just tired. And he asks me if I slept well, and I say "kind of", and he just hugs me. Today he said "I'll help you with the housework so you can go to bed early". I smile and tell him that's not his job. And I walk out of the room instantly angry with myself. He deserves so much more.

Everyday I remember that this was my life before. Before we ever got together, this is what I did everyday and I was happy. I also remember that I used people to "fill in" the spots where I got lonely and I thought that was okay. I'll never go back to that again.

I don't need anybody like that. I don't need meaningless "friendships" to carry me from here to there. I'm done with that. I have so much more respect for myself that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than allow someone to ever USE ME like that again and walk away thinking I had the upper hand. No time for that.

I want him. That's all I want. I miss him so much I can't stand it. I miss his friendship. I miss his love. I miss everything. I miss telling him about my day. I miss hearing about his. I miss simple text messages. I miss simple phone conversations about nothing. I miss sharing every funny thing I see with him. I miss listening to his voice. I miss loving him.

Everytime I pass a playground, a mother with a baby, a family-I miss even sharing the future with him. Finally, I had become okay with sharing my dreams too. I had stopped being scared to dream and believe and I had grasped on to what our future would be. I had finally been able to picture my life with someone for the rest of MY life. More than anything I wanted to give him his first child to hold. I wanted to share a house with him. I wanted to just sleep next to him every night so that we could wake up together in the morning and start another, wonderful, perfect day in our life.

It does not get easier from day to day. Everyday I fight harder to hold onto my dreams. Everyday I pray harder to find peace in my mind and my soul. And everyday-I just feel like he is further and further away from my reach. Yet everyday, I still hope that it will be the day that this is over and he comes back to me.

Everyday I learn so much about myself. Everyday I learn that I"m stronger than I was the day before, only because this hurt gets worse by the second. Everyday is one more day that I have to learn how to be without him again, and everyday is another day that I don't want to have to do that.

It does not get easier by the day. It has not gotten easier by the week. I don't expect it will get easier by the month.

It just gets easier for me to hide my feelings because I don't know who they matter to.

Everyday is another day that on the inside I am dying.
Everyday is another day that I push my tears back and just let the heaviness remain inside me.
Everyday is not a better day-it's just a day that I have become better at being what I am.

But-everyday, I still hope that tomorrow is a better day.
All I have is hope-that's all that keeps me going.
Everyday.