The State of MY Union

As much as I don't want to do this-I promised myself that today I would write about this and try to let out some of this emotion that I've been fighting for a few days.

Understand a few things before reading this explanation of what happened:
1. I invited all of you to read this for a reason. I hope to make that clear while writing this-but understand this is real emotion, raw emotion-an outlet for me. I'm not here to tear anybody down-but this is my life.

2. Understand that even if you didn't know it before-I am leaps and bounds more expressive in my writing than in talking.

3. This is not an invitation to a pity party. It's my emotions...real and right now. I'm not going to hide them.


So...where to begin.

Well, as you all know-Anthony has been having a hard time these last few months. The reason I know that you all know is because you heard from me from time to time asking you for your prayers for him, for us, but mostly (I think) for him. Anthony has been going through a time in his life where things start to fall apart and nothing is as it seems so you get into a continual pattern of having to pick yourself up where you fell.

See-as some of you do or don't know...we stopped talking for about a month last August. At that time, Anthony had stopped working for GM and I was really excited for him to really give 100% in pursuing his dream to make his music his life and his career. At that time, he felt like I didn't understand his lifestyle, and never would so he said he couldn't do the relationship anymore. And then-I was very much in a similar place to where I am now. I was in shock, but something told me it was not over. I thought he was overwhelmed. So I prayed and just stayed strong in believing that we could work it out, we would work it out, and things would be fine.

We did eventually start talking again and things seemed to be fine. We had a new understanding that there was no time limits on our relationship. He finally understood that I knew that his life was going to be unpredictable to say the LEAST but he finally understood what I was offering. See, during the summer when he was getting ready to leave GM, it was my idea that he could just move to Colorado. But my idea of moving was not to settle down. It was so that he could go and do whatever he needed to do. So that when he needed to pick up and go somewhere, he could just GO. At first, Anthony didn't like the fact that he felt like I couldn't go with him. Either because of Trey, or my job, etc...he felt like I should be able to just pick up and go with him. He wanted me to experience what he was experiencing. Well-to me-even if I didn't have Trey...I wouldn't do that ANYWAY. I told him that while I was trying to get to where I am now, I had to settle OVER AND OVER again for jobs that I hated, being in positions that I knew weren't going anywhere-but I had no choice. I had a child depending on me. I had to do what made sense. I didn't want that for him! I wanted him to be able to go wherever he wanted to go with no worries of having to please anybody BUT himself. I wanted him to be able to say "Nope, this isn't for me" and move ON. For a while, I thought he understood that. He had said that in April, he was moving here. I really wanted him to understand over and over, that moving here didn't mean moving in with me, settling down and making a life. It meant get on your GRIND, be about your business, and go where you need to go with no worries about little things while you are gone.

In the meantime, he kind of went from job to job. I did whatever I could to help him. I've always known that as much as he is a free spirit is as much as I am grounded. Although our talents and goals were very different, I understood every step of his life. I had to learn to not try to save him FROM the things that were going to happen but to just be there when things didn't work out and encourage him to keep on going because things WOULD get better. Whether it was paying bills he couldn't quite take care of, providing health insurance for him, whatever-I did these things because I love him. Because I knew I could take care of them and they were things that you don't think about until you are in a horrible situation where the lack of these things in place causes great strain. And because if in the same situation, he would and HAS done the same thing for me!

I'm trying to stay coherent here, so bear with me. Around mid-October I received some weird e-mails from someone who was sending ME an e-mail chain between Anthony and a "Courtney". It was e-mails where he had sent her a picture of his outfit, songs from iTunes he had downloaded and sent to her...nothing major, or what I thought at the time, warranted any suspicion. It was his actions that made me suspicious. See, my e-mails come to my phone. So I saw this e-mail come into my phone and I couldn't get the whole thing, so I refreshed-then it was gone! Then there was a reply from me, then everything was gone. So when I get back to my desk, I realize Anthony is in my e-mail answering the e-mails AS me and then deleting all the evidence. I called him and asked what was going on. So-we had no idea who it was and I finally sent an e-mail to all parties involved basically telling the guy to stop contacting me, that Anthony and I were together and to just stop the drama. I HATE DRAMA. I knew who Courtney was-she was someone (A MARRIED SOMEONE) that Anthony had dealt with before we ever got back together from 2005. A jump-off basically. So, honestly-the way he handled it was suspect, YES. But I never heard back from anybody and that was it. I took his explanation for it...let it go. looking back on it now, and finding her e-mail was signed in another time I was trying to sign into MY e-mail, I realize he probably intercepted the note that she was copied on-so she never saw it, just like I wouldn't have.

In November, we went to NJ/NYC. This was the first time I ever felt like there was a disconnect in our relationship, but I knew he wasn't really happy with where his life was at, so I kind of let it go. I asked him why there was no affection, he seemed very disconnected which was just not like him. He then told me again that he was unhappy with life, and just couldn't be that way feeling like he was. I took that.

In December, things started to get a little hectic for me. We found out my grandmother in Korea was sick. And this strain between Anthony and I was really bothering me. So all I could really do was pray that I could be the support he needed. Constantly prayed that I had the right words to encourage him and keep him lifted in his pursuit of his dream. So, I get on facebook one day and I see that one of his ex-girlfriends, Bryonne, has tagged him at a KC Chiefs football game. Understand that I didn't even get mad when I saw this. I figured it was an old picture, I knew what she was trying to do because Anthony had told me repeatedly she was trying to be back in his life and she was "that" ex girlfriend that just tries to cause drama. So her posting of pictures came directly after I finally put up pics of our trip to the east coast. However, when I looked at the date of the picture-I realized that Anthony and I were together at the time. That this was AFTER we had started talking again and I was PISSED! I just couldn't understand how he could have missed telling me he was going somewhere, especially with her...and as much as we talk and text everyday-how did he get out of this? What could he have told me that I either didn't bother him or talk to him for the duration of a football game??!! His explanation was that we weren't together-until I broke down the timeline for him. He said he didn't think I would understand, he was wrong...no explanation-he was just sorry.

I went back to Kansas City for New Years. I thought it would be different. SAME DISCONNECT. No real affection...I just didn't feel wanted like I used to. So, during this time, Anthony was working. I was on his computer looking up some information and when I went to Yahoo, his e-mail came up. I opened it. I know this was wrong, I know it wasn't the right thing to do-but after the things that had happened...I opened it. Sure enough, an e-mail from Bryonne. It said alot, but said nothing. See-I understood that she's one of these silly females that an ex-boyfriend could say "HI" to and in her mind they are on the mend. I responded back to her e-mail and told her to "LET GO. YOU DON'T MATTER" and right when I hit SEND, I realized that this was NOT one of the most stellar moments in my life. I was ashamed that I had even stooped to her level. I was mad at myself for going there with him when I thought I knew I could trust him because he just wouldn't do me like that. So instead of trying to cover it up-and knowing he would be upset-I told him what I did. I felt like our relationship was so much more than that, and although I had made a mistake-I was NOT going to lie to him.

Anthony came home from work early to basically go off on me. Told me he couldn't believe I had went through his stuff. That after all the things I HAD DONE, it was not fair that I still thought he was doing things behind my back. Said there was no reason for us to be together if there was no trust...this went on and on and on. He told me that I shouldn't even compare myself to them, since he didn't even really know why I wanted to be with him because I could do so much better-that he didn't deserve me. At this point, knowing what I know now-I can't even really begin to go here-so sorry.

I left and I fully expected him to just tell me he was done. Now, don't get me wrong. At the time-I DID think his reaction was a little extra but I also just kept taking into account all the stress he was under. In January, I lost my wallet-I don't think I need to say much more. You all know that means cancelling of debit cards, blah blah blah. Well, I had supplied Anthony with a debit card just in case of emergencies and the card did not get cancelled, but they would not allow it to be used until I got and activated my new one for my protection. However as he was trying to use it during this time-it took us awhile to get that answer. But-common sense told ME that it was probably a precaution-but Anthony got pissed. Stopped talking to me for about a day (which might not seem like a long time to you, but being that we were long distance-we talked/texted several times an HOUR) and I was all stressed out thinking that I had failed him. I wired him $100 dollars and texted him the reference number and I get a text back along the lines "As I sat here hungry last night, I realized that things have gotten out of hand so I handled my own business. I cut up your card and checkbook. I appreciate what you TRIED to do, but I've got to handly my business". So I felt AWFUL (Listen, I understand that this is the part where you get frustrated with me...). I knew he was mad at me, and I felt so bad because he always talked about all the ways he was there for everybody else, and I just felt like if he could depend on anybody he should be able to depend on me.

Again, the communications between us were a little strained. ONe morning, I get a message from Bryonne on Facebook. It was laughable at best. She said they had been seeing each other off and on, that he had positioned himself as a family with her and her son, blah blah blah. I didn't believe her, but I did have a problem with her contacting me. So of course I told him about the e-mail, but I told him my problem was that he seemed to still want to have some emotional connection to her. Why was it important to talk to her? Why was it important for her to not think he hated her? So, this caused a break down where he said he was not over her...still mad at her. I had known this for quite some time, but he would not confirm it. Again, I understood where he was coming from. I understood that he did not want to be with her, but it was frustrating to have been with someone that you gave so much too and feel like they didn't have to suffer like you. So, that incident, opened up a huge door of communication for us. He realized that I will take things personally if I don't know the source of the anger or discontentment, but just being honest about his feelings...I could listen. It didn't hurt me to hear him talk about how she made him feel, or how angry he was. He needed to get it out. Over and over again, he would say "I wish I would have known I could talk to you like this"

Then Anthony lost his job again. I was ECSTATIC!! See, every job turned into the same situation as GM. Hours he didn't like to work, place he wasn't comfortable with...and I just thought "This is God at work". I told him NOT to get another job. I told him he could move here or I would help him with his bills...but STAY AT HOME, work on his music. I talked to him about getting unemployment, understanding it wasn't a handout, and just focus 100% on his music. Soon after, he got an opportunity to work with an in-demand producer and they wanted him to come to LA! He was happy. I was happy for him and always praying and asking people to pray that this was the breakthrough he wanted and so much deserved.

Anthony was originally supposed to come here for Valentine's Day and to be here for Trey's birthday party, but he told me that Brian Kennedy was going to be in Kansas City. Well, I knew what the logical decision was. Although I wanted to see him...it made no sense for him to come here when Brian was THERE. So I told him that I wasn't going anywhere, he's welcome here anytime...but this was one of those things where we were going to have to be prepared for whatever opportunity presented itself.

The trip to LA did not go well. Anthony made some contacts, but it wasn't what he expected, he returned home early and decided to come here on the following Tuesday and stay through Sunday. I was ecstatic to see him, but I knew he needed some time to decompress and just relax.

Anthony got here on the 24th, and I wasn't surprised this time by the disconnect. I knew he wasn't happy. We talked and he told me about the trip, and he always seemed relieved that I knew where he was coming from. He got a dose of some "LA FOLKS" and I told him that I never understood why I had an opportunity to work in the industry for my short time in LA, but I was glad now because everything I told him was everything it was. He was discouraged, but I told him...every step is a STEP. Regardless of what direction-it is a STEP.

Fast forward to Thursday morning...

Anthony and I are laying on the couch, and I was a little concerned that he seemed very distant. In the last couple days I had noticed that if I got close to him he might flinch a little, or seemed reluctant to even hug me. So, as we lay on the couch I gave him his distance. He continually asked me what was wrong. Finally I told him how he was acting. Told him I didn't even feel like he wanted me to be around him. I asked him if he honestly needed some alone time I would leave him alone, but I would rather him tell me that than feel like he didn't even want to be affectionate or intimate with me. This again turned into a huge production. He told me he was tired of being told by ME that he was not enough. That he did little things like waited for me to eat, offered to fix things around the house, etc. and he felt like those things mattered too, not just being intimate and/or affectionate and if that's the only way I felt like he was connected to me it was a problem. At this point, he did make me realize I was being a little selfish. I told him that I had overlooked those little things, and based on how he was feeling I was sorry for making him feel that way. He said he was uncomfortable and wanted to go home. Now, I felt like this was a little much. He said he didn't want to break up, but he needed a break from everything and everyone and he just wanted to go home. So I told him, that if we are going to be together, he's not always going to be able to GO somewhere else. I offered to give him a couple hours to cool down and then we could continue with our week. He said NO, he wanted to go. Somewhere along the way it turned into a discussion of how he needed to get his life right because he didn't feel like the right doors were opening for him and he asked if we weren't together if we could be friends. Now, over the past couple days he had been saying things like this...and I asked him over and over again if he was trying to just push me away. He said that he just wanted to do things the right way, get closer to God, and wanted to know if I'd be there for him. He said I deserved more, that I had all of my life together and he just didn't even know why I would want to be with someone who had nothing to offer me. At that point, I felt like his mind was made up. I took him to the airport. I was devastated.

He texted me to tell me he was sorry. He asked if we could talk. At that point I felt like, you know-I DO deserve more BUT I have known what he was going through. But after you walk out on me? I wasn't sure what I could take anymore.

So, he called me at about 3:30 on Friday morning. He asked how I felt. And I told him that I had been existing in a one sided relationship, but I love him, and I knew things would get better so I didn't understand why he had to walk away. THEN, some issues of OLD started coming up. He basically said he didn't know if he could trust me.

Let me make a couple things plain here...I know this is long...bear with me. I am not ever going to pretend like I was innocent before this relationship. I think the mistake that I made is that I told Anthony EVERYTHING about how I used to be. I didn't realize that although it didn't bother me to hear about his past, it DID bother him. Now, there's only one real relevant incident I need to bring up here for you to understand his point of view, kind of. There was an incident that happened on my birthday that I thought we were past, but apparently we were not. There was a guy, that I had had previous relations with, (RELATIONS, not relationSHIP) that was at the club we were at. I had been with this guy over 6 years previous to that night. I had seen him from time to time and he had NEVER really tried to talk to me again. See, the thing about me when it came to men was that I did what I wanted to do. I did not pretend to be anybody's girlfriend, I made it very clear that my intentions were for ONE THING and that was it. Do not call me to chat, don't ask me to hang out...I had one purpose for men and I made that clear. So, there was never any clean break ups or anything like that. They stopped hearing from me, and they knew better than to call...so that was that. So, this guy gets in my face asking me to buy some raffle tickets. Then I realize he is REALLY in my face and I say "HEY...my boyfriend is over there". Even I realized that at this point it was too late. Now, maybe I shouldn't have told Anthony that this guy and I had had previous contact, but I had nothing to lie to him about.

This came up in our conversation about him trusting me. There was also ex-friends that still contacted me from time to time and I felt like I was telling them about my relationship and I was letting them know, but Anthony still felt like they were being disrespectful. He found an e-mail conversation between a friend of mine and me that he felt like he was being disrespectful. At the time I didn't feel that way, but I had to see it from his point of view. Then I realized that if Anthony felt disrespected, there was really no need for me to keep speaking to these people. So, for the ones I still had friendly conversations with, I cut all that. I never wanted to do anything where Anthony felt disrespected.

Then he kept bringing up the e-mail thing and I finally asked him how he could make that such a big deal when FIRST OF ALL, he was in my e-mail all the time. And SECOND OF ALL, if the signs weren't there, I wouldn't have even went there. I don't claim to be right, and I'm not trying to justify my actions...but I really wanted him to see-the SIGNS WERE THERE.

Then I asked him if he ever thought I cheated. He said "I don't know". That hurt me to my heart. I am not the same person I used to be. And if anybody should know that, I thought it would be him.

So I said, "Did you cheat on me".

"YES".

You could have told me a million things. But to tell me that Anthony had PHYSICALLY cheated on me...no. I would have NEVER expected that. He told me that around September/August he had given Courtney his number. That they had talked and gotten close and that he wished he could talk to me like he talked to her and that they had been intimate a few times.

So I asked if he loved her, and if he wanted to be with her. He said:

"I don't know".

And if my heart hadn't been broken enough, I can't explain to you how this made me feel. So...he is pleading with me to still be his friend because he doesn't want to lose me out of his life. Telling me how he wants to be closer to God, wants to fall in love again, wants to be happy again...and all I can hear is "I don't know". He said he was going to come clean with everybody, including her. I told him that if he wants to change his life, and move on-he has every right. I have said and will still say today that the worst thing you can ever do to anyone is stop believing that they can change. I told him that when he makes that decision, nobody has a right to remind you of who you were, because nobody knows better THAN you because nobody has to suffer for your decisions more than you. So I told him that knowing THAT, I could not fairly be his friend while loving him and wanting more. I told him that I would forgive him. That true forgiveness would come without any explanation from him, because I realize his explanation will never satisfy my heart.

We got off the phone and I texted him and told him that I had nothing else to say. I was his friend inside of the relationship...I didnt know how to be his friend with no relationship.

He texted me and told me that he left his camera. I knew I shouldn't, but I wanted to take anything of me off the camera. There, I found that on Valentine's day, he was NOT with Brian in the studio, he and his friends had rented a house and he took Courtney Baylis to a weekend getaway. He had texted me the whole weekend! Pulled off some dark picture where he looked so tired, supposed to be IN the studio. Called me-said he stepped out to just call me and tell me he loved me quickly before getting back to work-and now I realize the noise in the background was his FRIENDS!! On tape was a video conversation of him telling her that she was what he wanted for his life, but he knew it was going to get screwed up. I watched him touch her the way I longed to be touched, I watched him fawn all over her like he used to do with me. I watched him act the way he said he couldn't act because he couldn't get his life right. Then I told him that I saw it...he said he figured I would and that he wasn't mad.

My last text to him said this:
"Well I am. Don't ever tell me how great I am ever again. You've just added yourself to a long line of people who have told me in not so many words that for whatever reason I make it impossible to love me. That have undermined my intelligence and when I showed how in tune I am to other people's feelings and actions...tore ME down and made me feel like I was wrong...made me apologize and try to make up for my shortcomings...and YOU had me praying to be God to be the woman of God I needed to be, to be the best woman, wife, mother I could be. Begging God to fix ME. The difference is I knew what to expect from them and I gave them almost NOTHING. I was proud for committing myself to you. Thankful for your love...felt blessed for the way our lives intertwined. I did nothing to ever betry you until the signs were there...and you tore me down and didn't trust ME? I thought it was different because neigher one of us had to go back to the way we used to be. And while I was praying and trying to support you and do everything you needed...you laid up with someone else and told her everything I wished I could hear. So thank you for proving that I will never be anything to anyone. And the stupidest shit of all is that I don't love you any less...would be willing to work though it...but you can't even say "No, I don't love her-I love you". So for all the peoplethat you wanted to hurt because they hurt you...her is your BIGGGGGGGGGGGGG Victory. you come clean...whoo hoo! Fresh new start. GOOD FOR YOU. I am not willing to ever love anybody else because that's what I want to give to you...you don't want it. So as I try to find the energy to even want to live right now...congrats on your new start. Like I said...I WON'T harp at you so I'm sorry for this last outburts. But don't try to make it seem like I was special. You aren't like the rest of them...nobody has ever hurt me like this. EVER. Don't Apologize, don't say anything. Just like they all shit on you, that's how I feel. I hope you get away from the poisonous people that have positioned themselves as your friends. You deserve better"


And that was it. I haven't heard another word. I feel so STUPID. Visiting him in Kansas City, putting groceries in the house, cooking him and his roommate dinners to last them for awhile, cleaning up and doing his clothes all because I just wanted him to relax. To show him that those were things for me to do while I was there. That all the times I was around him and his friends and really told him that it bothered me that his friends were always trying to bring up things to make him look bad-trying to encourage him to move away from that kind of HATE...he is just like them. So a friend said to me yesterday "The kinds of friends you have indicate the kind of person you are". How come I didn't see that? How come I didn't pick up on the fact that his willingness to always tell his friends to not settle down and to live their lives was in fact his own opinion of his life.

I don't believe he came clean with her at all. I believe that he moved me out of the way and expects to be happy with a woman who is still married. That although she is separated from her husband...she is not divorced. If he doesn't get it...oh well.

I love him with EVERYTHING that I have. I never cheated on him, I never did anything to betray him except for open a damn e-mail and NOW my suspicions have been confirmed? So for the last three or four months I have been trying to show him that I trust him and can be trusted and I have apologized for MY behavior everytime he ridiculed me for being untrustworthy when it was really just his GUILTY CONSCIENCE!!??


And...is this all I ever get. Every man-this is the end result. So how can I not wonder what I'm missing that would allow somebody to only love me. That would make just ME enough. Have I hurt so many people, have I made so many mistakes that this is what I actually deserve?

What else did he want from me? What else was I supposed to do?

And the part that kills me-is that for NINE YEARS, I have been meticulously careful with my child. Some of you know some or all of the details, but the relationship between him and his dad is better but still bruised. So knowing that he had one person in his life that ALWAYS hurts him regardless of if that is his intention or not...I did everything I could to protect him from having somebody else hurt him. I know that I don't know his path, I know that I can't protect him from everything...but this is on me. THIS is my fault-and I am so mad at Anthony for not thinking about my child. I look at his face and I feel like I failed him. How many times can you hurt a child that doesn't deserve anything but happiness? If for nothing else, I will never put him through this again.

I feel so empty. I am so hurt. I don't know how to move on from here. I am mad at myself for being this pitiful. I am mad at him for putting me through this. I don't have the energy, the SANITY to even fathom loving somebody else like this.

I wish I could go back to the Monica that NEVER wanted to be married. That NEVER depended on anybody but myself and God. I was TOTALLY FINE with being alone. And along the way even realized that using men was not getting me anywhere and knowing that I didn't want to be that way...I was STILL okay with just being by myself.

I love him SO much. And I am mad at myself for still holding on to that. For not being mad enough to just say to hell with it all and putting my head on straight and keep on going.

I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful for the people around me that won't let me fall, and I am so thankful to all of you for reminding me who I am...because I don't have ANY of that right now. I'm also thankful to all of you for embracing him, embracing US. Praying for him, helping him if I reached out to you...I appreciate what all of you were willing to do because of your friendship to me. I thank you for your words. Some of them stay with me...

"You are the woman he needs, but not the one he deserves". Thank you JR...that has stuck with me for a long time. Especially since this was your analysis way back when things started getting rough. I keep trying to tell myself that, but I can't help but wonder if he needs me, why he doesn't want me. And to me, he deserves the world.

"It's not your failure" Thanks KB...but how can I not feel like that. I'm here again-wondering what else I could have given, what else I could have done, how else I could have supported him to just be enough.

"Niggas have faithful problems". JM-Thank you. It just made me laugh...but you meant it, and I think for some people you are right.


So that is my story. I know this was long, and if you cared enough to read it all, I love you and I thank you for your friendship. I don't know how to stop loving someone when you love them like I love him. I don't know how to let go of wanting to be with someone when you wanted someone like I wanted him. I don't know how to imagine my life without him. I don't know how to stop hoping that he still wants me. I don't know how to stop wondering if he even cares about me at all.

But the Monica that is Monica loves ME more. I know that...I'm just trying to believe that. To be that. I am making it day to day.

I love him.

I miss him.

But I have got to know that I didn't deserve any of this. I just don't know that yet. I'm just being honest.

I'm trying...