Blame it on the rain...or the fool that got you here

I have been trying to get my head around all the thoughts in my head and put them down in some type of cohesive matter, but that isn't going to happen. You may not be able to follow-these are the thoughts in my head and I'm just going to put them down as they come up. Good luck! :-)

Settling is for pilgrims, we've been through this right? Does God put people around you that went through the same things you have been through to show you how damn stupid you were? Or does he do it so you can really reflect on how many people tried to tell you to do something and you didn't listen? So many educated, beautiful, strong women around me settling for some straight up BULL. I mean I am SO guilty of listening to someone's bull, knowing it was bull, but giving the benefit of the doubt anyway-but I just can't hardly bear to watch it as a spectator. And personally, I have been looking at myself and wondering WHY did I put up with the bull I did. Recently, I have reconnected with a couple of ex-acquaintances and if it was possible to whoop my own ass, I certainly would.

I mean honestly, Did I really, REALLY send a box of what nots to Iraq EVERY week? Hoping and praying for a safe return, and secretly hoping me and this married fool could be together?
Yes I did.

Did I REALLY forgive him when he came back from Iraq and moved in across the street from an adopted big sister of mine WITH another chick, and STILL let this man have his way with me?
Guilty as charged.

Did this fool really come into town, not speak three words to me, and now pretending like shit is fine? YES HE DID. Why? Because that's that shit that they call bull that I would have put up with before. That's the treatment that I put up with for years as acceptable as LONG as I got a few minutes with his body.

Pitiful. Completely fucking desperate and pitiful.

AND...did I really start talking to a dude that could make me laugh cause he could make me laugh? NO job, NO career, CRIMINAL RECORD, NO damn hope for making it day to day except for the clothes I put on his back, the shoes I put on his feet, the money I put in his pocket... because he had a big dick and was funny.

Oh, yeah. Guilty AGAIN.

And I really started talking to this fool again? Did he say he wanted to get on boyfriend status? And THANK GOD for divine intervention when this fool sent me a text message talking about "I have enough gas to get down to your house, but not enough to get back-so I can take a raincheck or...?" OR WHAT? Or Monica can get her head out of her ass and realize that you are the same sorry-ass, punk-ass, broke-ass negro that you were before-but at least you're funny.

I really have outdone myself.

WHY, OH WHY on earth was I entertaining a depressed ass married man whose wife told him that the dog was more important than him? If she feels that way, what the hell am I listening for. Take your broken ass heart and try to get in good with the dog. At least if the dog likes you, you might have a chance to stick around.


OH YES...see, I have ROOM to talk. I have experienced ENOUGH to spot a no-good, no-good-intentions having negro. I can sniff them out. Hell, I've started thinking anybody I'm attracted to I should stay away from because I'm an equal opportunity sorry ass negro employing bitch. APPLY HERE, APPLY HERE, ALL ENTRIES WELCOME. I am so disgusted.

So my advice to my fellow women...If I say a negro ain't no good...run FAST. I apparently can't pick out the mildly sorry ones...but if I can pick out a sorry man-you better get gone because if he doesn't meet MY standards his ass is pitiful.


UGH...


Why doesn't money grow on trees? Why is it that I make ten times more than I ever have, but I'm mor broke than I've ever been? I guess I'll thank God for having problems like financing houses and things.

UGH...

And because of those sorry ass men I gave passes to, is it now true that I have someone standing in front of me...with all the right intentions, with all the right things to say, with the right things going on in life, and because I am so exhausted from putting in work to negro's that didn't deserve an ounce of my attention-now I don't WANT to put in the work to even trying to make this work? Am I trying to self destruct and find reasons why it won't work? Am I relating this to my last relationship because I don't want to end up hurt the same way or because it IS actually the same thing? Is it the same because I picked wrong again, or is it the same because now God is trying to show me what's right? Has he not contacted me as much because he's busy? Is it because he realizes he's not as interested? Or is it because he can sense that I'm trying to throw his ass out before he even really steps foot into the door? Is it true that I'm not even considering my right now feelings, but choosing to remember the way I FELT when I had everything then nothing? Is it possible that I can see so easily how I could love him, but won't let myself get any closer to that emotion?

All true. Guilty...of all of it.


God will work it all out. He knows the outcome, he knows the answer, he knows my questions, he will give me my answers and all he wants me to do is believe.

All I want to do is run.

All he wants me to do is be still.

All I want is for my mind to be still.

All he wants me to do is believe.

All I want to believe is that I know what's best for me.

All he wants me to know is he knows what's best for me.

All I want him to know is that I'd like an e-mail, a certified letter, or an announcement from heaven to know what that is.

I'm just saying.


UGH.