Because I'm just not "IT"

Because of who I am, I have put on the good face-held my head up high and smiled in everyone's face. Yes, I'm sad. But I'm okay. I'm going to always be okay.

But I'm not.

The harsh words echo in my head:

"I am selfish right now. You can't keep up with what I've got going on. You can't handle my lifestyle. You are pretending you are okay with it and I shouldn't expect you to put up with it. And before you come out here...I mean we could have a good time and try to patch it up...but NO, you just are NOT IT"


Funny because most of what he said seem to be similar to an E-MAIL that I had the displeasure of running across. My fault. Regardless of the reason I was in his e-mail, I shouldn't have violated his privacy-although I'm sure that time and again we've said we have nothing to hide.

The selfishness? Yes, I'm well aware of it. On many occasion I think my observations have pointed it out. The thing is-it didn't bother me. I was happy that he WAS being selfish because so much of his life mirrored on taking care of everyone else before he thought of himself.

The lifestyle? I never misunderstood the lifestyle. I know the lifestyle better than he thinks because I was around the people living it. I saw the relationships that worked. I saw the relationships that didn't work. I saw the picture opportunities, the "media" props in form of people-all of that. I saw it day to day to day-I know the lifestyle. I know the industry. I know the business-from behind the scenes. And isn't that important? To know what goes on behind the scenes so that you are aware of what makes the "PICTURE" work?

You know, I think the words of someone that doesn't even know me has penetrated and made him think. Let me clear-I am very sure of who I AM. I don't need to morph, settle, or pretend to be someone who I am not. However, I am UNSELFISH enough to let anybody around me be WHO THEY ARE. I don't need acceptance from ANY OF YOU. I know who I am. If you don't like it-kick rocks! BECAUSE I know who I am, there is no threat-there is no insecurity-and there is nothing wrong with letting someone be WHO THEY ARE. I don't have to pretend. The thing is, I don't need anybody to help me be who I am. So I have plenty in me to let somebody else be who they are. I will never lose sight of ME!

"This just isn't working out. I want to do what I want to do. Right now I'm on fire for my career and I want to make decisions and just have someone that will go with me not ask questions or not tell me how to do it any other way, even if there is a better way I want to do it my way."


What you need brotha, is a puppet. A puppy. Or a person with no brain. I have said over and over again, I know enough about enough that I don't have to pretend to know ANYTHING about things I know nothing about. Somebody tell me, if someone you love is moving forward in their life, and you can see an easier way-do you let them struggle? Well, that's what I was asked to do, because in his words...he proposed this question to me:

"When you look back after everything you went through, and you see all the struggles you overcame...doesn't it make it better? Aren't you saying 'I did that!'?"

The thought was preposterous to me. When I look back over all my struggles-absolutely-I am proud that I got here. But what I also look back at is the people that DID try to help me. All the time I wasted by trying to do it my way. All the trust I lost because I hurt so many people or stepped on so many toes doing it my way-that the people who tried to help me weren't willing to help me because that hard-headedness is not cute to ANYBODY. A friend shared with me a thought passed down to him "Nobody lives long enough to make all the mistakes. So I decided that I'm going to learn from someone else's, and that way I can make new and different mistakes!!"

There was confirmation in this relationship for me. Everything he is going through in some ways mirrors something in my life that I went through. But he wasn't open to letting me suggest anything. In his eyes, and obviously the eyes of his sister-I was trying to tell him what to do. And in his opinion, I got mad if he didn't. Now I'll admit-it is frustrating to watch somebody you love and care about go down a path you are certain won't turn out the way they thought. However, I never pushed my life on him. I never MADE him do anything. I gave suggestions, but he wanted me to just let him do it his way and keep my mouth shut. So I prayed and prayed about it. I never got any clarity on that. The best thing I could come up with was that maybe it wasn't for me to tell him how to do things, but just know inside myself that should he need me to help him-at least I could.

All of this started as a minor disagreement. He changed plans that involved me and my child without even talking to me about it. I just thought it would have been nice if he had had a discussion WITH ME. To this his point was:

"I made a decision because that's what works for me. I figured that you would be okay with it because I made plans to come the week after, and I thought since it works for me, you would be okay. I'm making it work."

Then after I said he didn't consider my feelings or viewpoint. He said:

"We are not moving together"

To which I made the point, how can WE move together when you are only making decisions for you? My point in the whole situation was, okay-if that was your thought process-then next time I will know. He said that doesn't sound right. I shouldn't feel that way. I shouldn't walk around thinking everytime I said something he was going to blow up or get mad.

Well guess what? THAT'S HOW YOU ARE! What he fails to realize, is just as I said I KNOW WHO I AM...I don't mind giving somebody space to be who they are. I'm not walking around here crying on the inside because you are hot-headed! I make personal observations and if it is going to cause conflict-I act accordingly. I don't like drama-I hate conflict-and I don't go looking for it. Why would I waste my time being upset over something I have no control over? If you go through a thought process in making YOUR decisions...note taken. If you don't start to see how selfish that is over time-Yes I'll let you know. But to argue about it? I don't have time for that.

Funny, because one of the things I wrote in the e-mail I sent him was "This relationship is turning out to be everything you said you didn't want". Guess what? Not my fault. As I look back, these little conflicts-all because he is not open minded enough to hear his own faults. You don't have to tell me mine-I'll TELL YOU. The relationship that he hates so much, and complains about constantly-that's how he operates. Demanding things for no reason. Set in a mindset that works for him and screw everybody else. He then made an observation about one of the people in this relationship he hates so much and said, "I feel sorry for that person. That person is very lonely." Well guess what? THAT'S WHERE YOU ARE HEADED!

I was always very aware that observations I made, he was not ready to hear. So I kept them to myself, and didn't let it bother me. I see HIM. I see the person he can be, I know his heart. There's no denying that. But I'm here. Willing to let him be who he wants to be. To let him work himself out WITH himself. But-I guess that just didn't work for him.

And in all this venting-you might think "Maybe YOU were unhappy". I was never unhappy. A lot of the changes he is making in his life-I've been very proud of him. What he doesn't understand is that no matter how much somebody helps you-everything you do is on your own. Somebody helping you doesn't take ANYTHING away from who you are or what you have done and are doing. It's someone placed there-to help you. THAT is a blessing. I've watched him grow up. We are all still growing up. And what he fails to realize is that the hardest person to really look at and analyze is ourself. The hardest person to learn about is ourself. The hardest person to look at and tell them that they are wrong is OURSELF. But to be able to do that shows great growth. Maybe he is not ready for all that, but I think he is.

I believe he can do anything he makes his mind up to do. I believe that he will achieve all of his goals. I believe that I was on board to help him to do all of that. I am still willing to give him the freedom he needs. My intent was never to hold him back or tie him down. My intent was to keep myself together and my home, our home, together so that if and when he needed me-there was no question that I could be here and he could get back on his feet and try again.

So all those things he said-that is what he made himself believe. Maybe that's what everyone else showed him, but I keep searching my memory relentlessly to see where I went wrong.

Regardless of what I did to him that he is so upset about, after all we've been through-I can't believe he talked to me like everything we had was nothing. I have told him I don't need him to do anything right now but pursue his dream. Every now and then I proposed ideas that made sense to me-maybe he felt like they were trying to hold him back-but after he stated his case-I let it go. As time has went on-I've tried to learn how he operates and had enough self-control in me to know when to say and when not to say. However, I'm human like everybody else. Not perfect, but I really tried to be everything this man needed.

At the end of the day, or maybe I should say at the end of "our" day, I would think that I deserve a little more respect than "You are not it". I have wanted to call him. I have wanted to know if he's okay. But, after being told off like a side piece that doesn't mean a thing-why would I? I have too much self-respect and dignity for that.

I was sure he would have called by now. But really, if it was that easy to just write me off. I'm not sure I want him to call.


My heart aches. There is no denying that. These tears? They come and go, but never stop. This love-I can't fight it.

After all this time that I've been everything he ever wanted, more than he hoped for, all that he dreamed of.


And in just one day, I'm just not "IT".


Unfortunate, because he's not "it" for me either.

He is

EVERYTHING.


I wish someone could tell me where I went wrong.

Because, I just don't

GET IT