What do you do?

What do you do when your life as you know it is no longer life as YOU know it?

What do you do when the one person that you thought was the person that you were supposed to spend your life with walks away? What do you do when they tell you that everything that you are is nothing that they need? What to do you do when what they think of you is not necessarily your reality, but what they see as THE reality? What do you do when the person you've been fighting for no longer wants to fight for you?

You stop fighting. You walk away.

About three years and a half years ago-somebody else had these same thoughts about me. Pondered the same things. And I hope to God he didn't feel this hurt. Because if he did-I am sorry for that.

Once you believe that your reality is THE reality-nobody can change your mind. Instead, the people that want to be seen that you don't seen suffer because you haven't found something that you need. It's one of those unexplainable things that life presents. And it's not for me to understand it. I'm trying not to feel like somehow I deserved it. And I'm trying my damndest not to just give up.

If I step outside the situation...I'm proud of him. Proud of him for thinking of himself and not for everyone else. Proud of him for wanting and striving for his own goal and not trying to please everybody else in the process. Proud of him for finally believing in himself and what he can do. He'll get there. He's on his way.

I don't wish him any ill will. I'm not angry. But this pain-it's unbearable. I'm trying not to give up.

I am thanking God for showing me that everything I never thought I could be-I can be. For showing me that I can trust, I can love, and I can be loved and that IS what I deserve. I am thanking God for all of this even though I can't stop crying-he knows what he is doing. It is just a test. I won't give up on God, because he has never given up on me.

I'm asking God to forgive me. These tears aren't tears of doubt. This pain-this pain. I feel like my soul has imploded. I feel like my heart is struggling to find any pattern for any beat.

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back its yours, if it doesn't it never was"

I let him go before and he came back. This time he let me go-but I haven't gone anywhere.

You can't fight a battle when you are in the ring by yourself. When you're opponent has deemed you unworthy. When they've walked out of the ring because you are just not worth fighting or fighting for.

I'm not walking away. I can't. I haven't let go-I never will.

But I have ENOUGH to let him be. To respect his wishes. To not try to fight my way into somebody else's fight.

I can love.

I did everything he asked me to do, and in the end-it's not what he wanted. I don't think I can blame myself for that. I'm thankful for that kind of love. And if I never have it again-I'll just know that it is there.

All of this...

Easier said...

I can tell you what YOU do. Me?

I don't know.