Loving ME First

The urge to contact him does not get weaker by the day. I think my strength to overcome that just gets stronger.

This is hard to explain. I remember having a conversation with him where he told me that although I wasn't serious about past boyfriends like I am about him, that if anything ever did happen to never go back to being like I was. I was very touched by his sentiment. I told him that although he can look at these guys like they were scoundrels, I was nothing to nod at either.

I mean, historically-I dropped any man that sniffed at being "in love" with me. And I could never understand why they even felt that way when I never gave them any notion that my feelings were headed that way. And Mr. told me that I was a beautiful person. That people can see who I really am no matter how I try to hide it. That I deserved so much more.

I appreciated that. I told him no one had ever told me that, and I wasn't lying. And after he said that, I had a new outlook on it...because nobody should have to tell YOU how great YOU are. You should know it for yourself. Easier said than done? Of course. At the time, I was just so thankful that he really articulated this for me. It was very special to me.

At that time, I never expected to be here. Wondering why and how he could treat me like this. A two minute conversation and then nothing to follow it up with, just a multitude of questions that have not been answered and pain I could have never imagined existed.

To be honest, in some ways I may deserve this. This is EXACTLY what I did to him two years ago. But...things were not going well. It wasn't just a small argument and then I snapped and just told him "You just don't cut it homeboy!" If memory serves me correctly, I don't think I called after that...but prior to me telling him I didn't think things were working out, we were barely talking anyway.

It KILLS me everyday to not hear from him. But I think he absolutely expected me to contact him and beg him for another chance. As I look back over things, I was always quick to make it very easy to place the blame on me because I don't have any problem admitting when I'm wrong. I don't have any problem taking responsibility when I'm wrong...but in this situation...I don't see what I did wrong. I may have brought our communication problems to the forefront, but it was just in a gesture to work through things the way they WERE, not as they were to be perceived. All I did was have a standard for how I will and will not be treated. And in that standard, I also understood that I would be held to whatever his standard was as well.

A friend asked me today what was keeping me from contacting him. I don't have a good way to explain it. It's a multitude of things. First, if he needs some time...I don't see how contacting him is going to help in any way. I know that when I am angry, I need time to sort my own feelings out. I have enough respect for him that I can just let it be. He did not tell me not to contact him, but if you would have heard the tone of his voice-be assured, you would not call either.

There's a part of me that beats myself up CONSTANTLY because I didn't get on that plane the next day. Make him face me. Make him talk to me. Make it work. But he said himself-he wanted to let me know before I came out there because he didn't want to patch it up and make everything SEEM like it was working. I honestly felt like if I went out there I was setting myself up for so much failure. I have already fought for this relationship...I felt like that was a losing battle. I hope in his mind he didn't take that as a sign of defeat, or as a gesture that I did not care. I wanted to respect his space. And really, I was scared of rejection. At that point, I couldn't take any more pain.

And really, what it comes down to-is that I love that man with every breath I have in me, with every ounce of my soul...but I LOVE ME FIRST. I sent a small note to him and I feel like I opened the door of communication to let him know that I am here. Maybe it was not enough, I thought it was.

I re-read over and over again the e-mail that I was going to send to him and it occurs to me that that e-mail is about ME. It's an explanation of my feelings, and once again a very easy way for him to blame ME. And really, his actions may not be about me or anything I did. What kills me is not knowing. What hurts me is that he might be going through something, and I want to be there for him. I AM still here for him.

And because I know him, I often think that he keeps himself angry with thoughts that I may call someone else, or "fill" his spot. That is so NOT ME anymore. And while I want to reach out to him so that he knows that that is not true...the indignant part of me says that I SHOWED him that I AM different now. Why would I go backward? Why would I go back to contacting these people that mean nothing to me? Why would I go back to letting someone waste my time? Why would I allow anybody else to ever use me again? I won't. That's a change I have made. If he didn't see that change, I'm sorry. IF he doesn't realize that the way that I love him helped me change, I'm sorry. If he doesn't know that I meant that I will always be here for him because he IS the love of my life, I'm sorry. But I tried with all of my might, I gave all of my heart, I gave as much of my soul as a person can give. So really, I don't think I have anything to be sorry for.

I'm not perfect, but I never claimed to be. I KNOW that I may be hard to put up with, I know I can be a little feisty at times, but I also know I gave him 200% of me. I love him. My heart breaks a little more each day. My soul cries out for him every moment, but if I don't have anything else-I do have my self-respect.

All the things he said about me, yes it was nice. He told me to never let anybody else use me like that, to never let anybody hurt me again. Was he including himself in that direction?

I love him, that has not changed. I'm here for HIM and only him, that has not changed. But there is a part of me that says if I reach out and lay my heart out and make up all the excuses...then I am saying it is ok to hurt me like this, and it's not.

Everyday I hope that he can feel how much I love him.
Everyday I pray that we can work this out.
Everyday I pray for him, I pray for me, I pray for us.

And everyday, as I fight the urge to beg him to give me another chance and open up e-mails that I never send, I realize how much I really do love me.
I realize how much I've been through.
I realize how much credit I really deserve.
I realize that I have loved someone more than I ever thought possible.

And in that realization, I realize that I could have never loved him that much if I didn't love me first.

If I didn't love me, I would have nothing to offer.

And the fact of the matter is that if he came back to me right this second I would accept him with open arms and we could forget this happened. But I didn't leave him, so it makes no sense for me to go back to something I never left. I'm here.

I need to stop wondering what I did wrong.
I need to stop replaying what I could have done in my head.
I need to just stop.

Love isn't enough.
But love IS enough.

You just have to know who to love.

You have to know that that WHO is YOU.

I love me, first.