Thanks and I'm OK

This is the response I got.

I sent him a short e-mail just because I wanted to reach out to him and let him know I am still here. This was the response.

To this I just responded "ok"

And he asked "How are you?"

My response:

:-). I'm glad you are okay

Mr.: How are you?
Me: Easy question...but not an easy answer. I just wanted you to know I'm here and I love you. That's all.
Mr.: I'm sorry
Me: Don't be. Everything I said is exactly what I wanted you to know. That is all. I didn't mean to interfere or bother you-I know your heart. I just want you to be happy. Really.

And after a couple minutes I added:
"And I didn't want you to think I am angry. That is all...now really :-)

Mr.: I see

And that is it.

One simple conversation. An unbelievable amount of feelings. An unbearable amount of confusion. An unspeakable amount of pain.

At least he didn't come back and just say "Yeah, don't contact me".

At least he cares how I am doing.
What was I supposed to say? I'm heartbroken. Confused. Sad. Upset. Hurt. And still in love with you? And even the few words I did say I play them over and over. Did I say too much? Did I not say enough? Did telling him that's all I had to say translate to him that I don't want to say anything else?

I do know his heart. I know that he never wishes to hurt other people, and I feel like that "I'm sorry"...that's it. He said he was sorry-so now he won't feel guilty about it.

Does he know what I'm going through? Does he know how bad my heart hurts? Does he know how scared I am that that is the last conversation we will ever have?

Or is he okay? Is he really okay?

I want him to be okay, but I really want him to be okay with ME.

This is so hard. I thought that talking to him would make things easier. I thought hearing from him would make me somehow feel better.

Instead, I have more questions now than I did before.

I'm more hurt now than I was before.

And for as long as I haven't cried...now I'm crying all over again.

For as long as my stomach hasn't been flipping nervously...now I'm back to hardly being able to even hold water down.

And for as long as I thought I was getting better...my heart is broken all over again.

I make it from day to day just knowing that the next day will be better because I've gotten stronger. Today, I don't feel any stronger than I was yesterday.

Today-I am back HERE again.

"Thanks and I'm OK"

I am not okay.

I am a lot of things...okay is not one of them.