Tha nature trail

Yesterday, in an attempt to get some clarity...I went and walked the nature trail. I needed somewhere to clear my head, where I could be by myself, no questions.

The thing is, I was not alone. There is nothing like God's natural creations to show you how good he is. As I walked the trail, there were so many symbols that spoke to me about my own life that I knew that God had lead me there for a reason.

As I walked the trail, it was very poetic to me that I started going downhill. How relevant. I walked a little while longer and there were two ways to go. I stood there. I didn't know which way to go, and I realized-many times in my life when I had to make a choice of where to go-did I make the right decision. I chose to walk over the bridge. The trail took me to a place where there was a creek on one side of me and just open fields on the other side. Everything on one side so still, and on the other side of me-the water never stopped. It was like life to me. When you get to a point where you are standing still, life still goes on.

I walked, I cried, I prayed, and I played things over and over in my head. Still searching for answers that I still don't have today.

There was an opening and a place where the creek opened up and now looked like a river. It was beautiful...but as I got closer to the water-I realized that getting closer to the water was a more treacherous and dangerous trail. What is beautiful is not always better, and certainly never easier.

As I walked, I realized that with time I was more consumed with the natural wonders around me then my own problems. I got to a place where the river crashed down on the rocks. The sound of the water was overwhelming. Almost so loud it drowned out my own thoughts, but not quite loud enough. Loud enough that I could get lost in the music that it made-but not so loud that I forgot my own problems.

Life is like that sometimes. Everything around you seems to consume everything-so you feel like your problems, however big-are so small in comparison. And sometimes, makes you feel unimportant. The water crashed down over the rocks. The tears crashed down out of my eyes.

After that, there was a clear opening. A small duck pond. So still. I had just left the water where it looked so violent, but this water was clear. Looked like a picture it was so still. I sat there and I cried. I prayed and I had a moment with God.

A fisherman came and because I didn't want him to know I was crying. I got up and finished along the trail.

I took the shortcut and as I could see I was coming to the end, there was a hill. I thought again-a poetic symbol. The end of the journey comes with an uphill battle. But this time, everything was still around me. And I thought in my head, everything is still but it's up to me to keep going. To keep pushing, and to meet whatever is at the top of the hill. No matter what it is.

I thought of the nature trail while I was in the shower today. I was supposed to go with my family. I kept thinking I was going to have to put on the "good face" because I didn't want them to think anything was wrong with me.

Well, I'm done with the good face. I'm not alright, and it's ok. As the sobs overtook me in the shower, I realized...I KNOW where I went wrong. I didn't praise God enough when I had what I wanted. I didn't thank him enough for the love, happiness, and clarity in my life. I prayed to him when it got hard...and he's probably heard from me more in these last two days than he has in awhile. THAT is here I went wrong.

So right now, although I know I Thank God and Pray to him everyday-I can still do more. That nature trail is like the story of my life...but all along the way-GOD WAS THERE. He was just waiting for me to see him.

Today I'm going back to the nature trail. I'm not going to take any shortcuts because I already know that way. I'm going to take the long way. I'm going to take it all in and I'm not going to wonder where I am, because the most important thing is God is there.

I'm going back to the nature trail.

But today, I'm not going to walk-

I'm going to RUN.

Because I'm just not "IT"

Because of who I am, I have put on the good face-held my head up high and smiled in everyone's face. Yes, I'm sad. But I'm okay. I'm going to always be okay.

But I'm not.

The harsh words echo in my head:

"I am selfish right now. You can't keep up with what I've got going on. You can't handle my lifestyle. You are pretending you are okay with it and I shouldn't expect you to put up with it. And before you come out here...I mean we could have a good time and try to patch it up...but NO, you just are NOT IT"


Funny because most of what he said seem to be similar to an E-MAIL that I had the displeasure of running across. My fault. Regardless of the reason I was in his e-mail, I shouldn't have violated his privacy-although I'm sure that time and again we've said we have nothing to hide.

The selfishness? Yes, I'm well aware of it. On many occasion I think my observations have pointed it out. The thing is-it didn't bother me. I was happy that he WAS being selfish because so much of his life mirrored on taking care of everyone else before he thought of himself.

The lifestyle? I never misunderstood the lifestyle. I know the lifestyle better than he thinks because I was around the people living it. I saw the relationships that worked. I saw the relationships that didn't work. I saw the picture opportunities, the "media" props in form of people-all of that. I saw it day to day to day-I know the lifestyle. I know the industry. I know the business-from behind the scenes. And isn't that important? To know what goes on behind the scenes so that you are aware of what makes the "PICTURE" work?

You know, I think the words of someone that doesn't even know me has penetrated and made him think. Let me clear-I am very sure of who I AM. I don't need to morph, settle, or pretend to be someone who I am not. However, I am UNSELFISH enough to let anybody around me be WHO THEY ARE. I don't need acceptance from ANY OF YOU. I know who I am. If you don't like it-kick rocks! BECAUSE I know who I am, there is no threat-there is no insecurity-and there is nothing wrong with letting someone be WHO THEY ARE. I don't have to pretend. The thing is, I don't need anybody to help me be who I am. So I have plenty in me to let somebody else be who they are. I will never lose sight of ME!

"This just isn't working out. I want to do what I want to do. Right now I'm on fire for my career and I want to make decisions and just have someone that will go with me not ask questions or not tell me how to do it any other way, even if there is a better way I want to do it my way."


What you need brotha, is a puppet. A puppy. Or a person with no brain. I have said over and over again, I know enough about enough that I don't have to pretend to know ANYTHING about things I know nothing about. Somebody tell me, if someone you love is moving forward in their life, and you can see an easier way-do you let them struggle? Well, that's what I was asked to do, because in his words...he proposed this question to me:

"When you look back after everything you went through, and you see all the struggles you overcame...doesn't it make it better? Aren't you saying 'I did that!'?"

The thought was preposterous to me. When I look back over all my struggles-absolutely-I am proud that I got here. But what I also look back at is the people that DID try to help me. All the time I wasted by trying to do it my way. All the trust I lost because I hurt so many people or stepped on so many toes doing it my way-that the people who tried to help me weren't willing to help me because that hard-headedness is not cute to ANYBODY. A friend shared with me a thought passed down to him "Nobody lives long enough to make all the mistakes. So I decided that I'm going to learn from someone else's, and that way I can make new and different mistakes!!"

There was confirmation in this relationship for me. Everything he is going through in some ways mirrors something in my life that I went through. But he wasn't open to letting me suggest anything. In his eyes, and obviously the eyes of his sister-I was trying to tell him what to do. And in his opinion, I got mad if he didn't. Now I'll admit-it is frustrating to watch somebody you love and care about go down a path you are certain won't turn out the way they thought. However, I never pushed my life on him. I never MADE him do anything. I gave suggestions, but he wanted me to just let him do it his way and keep my mouth shut. So I prayed and prayed about it. I never got any clarity on that. The best thing I could come up with was that maybe it wasn't for me to tell him how to do things, but just know inside myself that should he need me to help him-at least I could.

All of this started as a minor disagreement. He changed plans that involved me and my child without even talking to me about it. I just thought it would have been nice if he had had a discussion WITH ME. To this his point was:

"I made a decision because that's what works for me. I figured that you would be okay with it because I made plans to come the week after, and I thought since it works for me, you would be okay. I'm making it work."

Then after I said he didn't consider my feelings or viewpoint. He said:

"We are not moving together"

To which I made the point, how can WE move together when you are only making decisions for you? My point in the whole situation was, okay-if that was your thought process-then next time I will know. He said that doesn't sound right. I shouldn't feel that way. I shouldn't walk around thinking everytime I said something he was going to blow up or get mad.

Well guess what? THAT'S HOW YOU ARE! What he fails to realize, is just as I said I KNOW WHO I AM...I don't mind giving somebody space to be who they are. I'm not walking around here crying on the inside because you are hot-headed! I make personal observations and if it is going to cause conflict-I act accordingly. I don't like drama-I hate conflict-and I don't go looking for it. Why would I waste my time being upset over something I have no control over? If you go through a thought process in making YOUR decisions...note taken. If you don't start to see how selfish that is over time-Yes I'll let you know. But to argue about it? I don't have time for that.

Funny, because one of the things I wrote in the e-mail I sent him was "This relationship is turning out to be everything you said you didn't want". Guess what? Not my fault. As I look back, these little conflicts-all because he is not open minded enough to hear his own faults. You don't have to tell me mine-I'll TELL YOU. The relationship that he hates so much, and complains about constantly-that's how he operates. Demanding things for no reason. Set in a mindset that works for him and screw everybody else. He then made an observation about one of the people in this relationship he hates so much and said, "I feel sorry for that person. That person is very lonely." Well guess what? THAT'S WHERE YOU ARE HEADED!

I was always very aware that observations I made, he was not ready to hear. So I kept them to myself, and didn't let it bother me. I see HIM. I see the person he can be, I know his heart. There's no denying that. But I'm here. Willing to let him be who he wants to be. To let him work himself out WITH himself. But-I guess that just didn't work for him.

And in all this venting-you might think "Maybe YOU were unhappy". I was never unhappy. A lot of the changes he is making in his life-I've been very proud of him. What he doesn't understand is that no matter how much somebody helps you-everything you do is on your own. Somebody helping you doesn't take ANYTHING away from who you are or what you have done and are doing. It's someone placed there-to help you. THAT is a blessing. I've watched him grow up. We are all still growing up. And what he fails to realize is that the hardest person to really look at and analyze is ourself. The hardest person to learn about is ourself. The hardest person to look at and tell them that they are wrong is OURSELF. But to be able to do that shows great growth. Maybe he is not ready for all that, but I think he is.

I believe he can do anything he makes his mind up to do. I believe that he will achieve all of his goals. I believe that I was on board to help him to do all of that. I am still willing to give him the freedom he needs. My intent was never to hold him back or tie him down. My intent was to keep myself together and my home, our home, together so that if and when he needed me-there was no question that I could be here and he could get back on his feet and try again.

So all those things he said-that is what he made himself believe. Maybe that's what everyone else showed him, but I keep searching my memory relentlessly to see where I went wrong.

Regardless of what I did to him that he is so upset about, after all we've been through-I can't believe he talked to me like everything we had was nothing. I have told him I don't need him to do anything right now but pursue his dream. Every now and then I proposed ideas that made sense to me-maybe he felt like they were trying to hold him back-but after he stated his case-I let it go. As time has went on-I've tried to learn how he operates and had enough self-control in me to know when to say and when not to say. However, I'm human like everybody else. Not perfect, but I really tried to be everything this man needed.

At the end of the day, or maybe I should say at the end of "our" day, I would think that I deserve a little more respect than "You are not it". I have wanted to call him. I have wanted to know if he's okay. But, after being told off like a side piece that doesn't mean a thing-why would I? I have too much self-respect and dignity for that.

I was sure he would have called by now. But really, if it was that easy to just write me off. I'm not sure I want him to call.


My heart aches. There is no denying that. These tears? They come and go, but never stop. This love-I can't fight it.

After all this time that I've been everything he ever wanted, more than he hoped for, all that he dreamed of.


And in just one day, I'm just not "IT".


Unfortunate, because he's not "it" for me either.

He is

EVERYTHING.


I wish someone could tell me where I went wrong.

Because, I just don't

GET IT

Friends, my Family

In the midst of my own problems, it would be totally selfish of me to not say thank you to all my friends. To the ones who read, and to the ones who don't.

You are my family. You were not born of the same bloodline that I come from, but you have each stolen a piece of my heart-but you may have it forever!

In times like this-truly I do not know what I would do without each of you. I thank you all for knowing ME. For knowing what I've been through, and even for some of you that are still learning-you have never judged me, never questioned who I am TODAY, but most importantly you just love me. When I ask if I'm being crazy, selfish, stubborn-I thank you for telling me I am. And I also thank you for uplifting me at the same time. When I need honesty-I thank you all for honesty. When I need support, I thank you all for that support. And even when I don't think I need you to be there for me, you all know me enough to know when I need you and you never, ever fail to be there.

I thank you all because I have not felt alone in a long time, and that's not a feeling I ever want to go back to. I thank you all for the things you teach me from being great examples to me, and I thank you all for challenging me to be better.

They say you can not pick your family but you can pick your friends. But actually-I don't think I picked any one of you. I can see that God placed you in my life at the very moment that I needed you the most. And the moments like now-if nothing else-your words, your thoughts, your prayers are holding me up at a time that I can't even stand on my own.

If I've never said it before. I thank you.

Many people say that one of their goals in life is to change the life of another person. If for any of you-this is or was your goal. It has been achieved.

Thank you for knowing ME.

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for your friendship.

What do you do?

What do you do when your life as you know it is no longer life as YOU know it?

What do you do when the one person that you thought was the person that you were supposed to spend your life with walks away? What do you do when they tell you that everything that you are is nothing that they need? What to do you do when what they think of you is not necessarily your reality, but what they see as THE reality? What do you do when the person you've been fighting for no longer wants to fight for you?

You stop fighting. You walk away.

About three years and a half years ago-somebody else had these same thoughts about me. Pondered the same things. And I hope to God he didn't feel this hurt. Because if he did-I am sorry for that.

Once you believe that your reality is THE reality-nobody can change your mind. Instead, the people that want to be seen that you don't seen suffer because you haven't found something that you need. It's one of those unexplainable things that life presents. And it's not for me to understand it. I'm trying not to feel like somehow I deserved it. And I'm trying my damndest not to just give up.

If I step outside the situation...I'm proud of him. Proud of him for thinking of himself and not for everyone else. Proud of him for wanting and striving for his own goal and not trying to please everybody else in the process. Proud of him for finally believing in himself and what he can do. He'll get there. He's on his way.

I don't wish him any ill will. I'm not angry. But this pain-it's unbearable. I'm trying not to give up.

I am thanking God for showing me that everything I never thought I could be-I can be. For showing me that I can trust, I can love, and I can be loved and that IS what I deserve. I am thanking God for all of this even though I can't stop crying-he knows what he is doing. It is just a test. I won't give up on God, because he has never given up on me.

I'm asking God to forgive me. These tears aren't tears of doubt. This pain-this pain. I feel like my soul has imploded. I feel like my heart is struggling to find any pattern for any beat.

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back its yours, if it doesn't it never was"

I let him go before and he came back. This time he let me go-but I haven't gone anywhere.

You can't fight a battle when you are in the ring by yourself. When you're opponent has deemed you unworthy. When they've walked out of the ring because you are just not worth fighting or fighting for.

I'm not walking away. I can't. I haven't let go-I never will.

But I have ENOUGH to let him be. To respect his wishes. To not try to fight my way into somebody else's fight.

I can love.

I did everything he asked me to do, and in the end-it's not what he wanted. I don't think I can blame myself for that. I'm thankful for that kind of love. And if I never have it again-I'll just know that it is there.

All of this...

Easier said...

I can tell you what YOU do. Me?

I don't know.

Sunday-Aug 1, 2008

The scripture today was I Corinthians 13:13. My favorite verse in the bible. A verse that has gotten me from here to there plenty of times:

"But now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; and the greatest of these is love."

I realized today that I've been battling this for quite some time. And as the words to the song were sang (Jesus, you're the center of my joy. All that's good and perfect comes from you. You're the heart of my contentment, HOPE for all I do. Jesus you're the center of my joy) I realized that I have come up short once again.

I've been in complete turmoil with the situation that my son is in. Praying constantly and really hoping that God would mend the relationship between father and son. I have been hoping for so long that this could happen so that my son would not have to face the disappointment and the pain...and the notion of it hurts ME. But I've overlooked ALL the things that God has showed me in the process.

I have a child that knows God. That has prayed and testified to me over the phone, even though in pain, that he has prayed and he knows God has listened. FAITH.

He has told me that it has helped things to get better and he knows he will have a good time and God will help the time go fast. :-) HOPE

And although he complained to me of the rift between his father and him and his father's family, he still believes in what can be and never hovers on what has transpired...that is LOVE.

Unforgivingly, without judgment-he is standing there with an open heart. Ready and willing to believe that everything his father has promised him is true. He stands there believing and hoping that things will be the way he would wish them to be, and all because he has LOVE in his heart that allows him to do so.

Everyday, I pray that God just give me the right words to guide him. The strength to help him through this. The knowledge to get over it. And all the while I am trying to be a mother, my son has showed me a true example of the scripture I have often leaned on. My son has shown me that although I want to be strong for him, his heavenly FATHER will never let him down. And the things that happen on this earth-God will get him through it. Although promises may be broken and words are not kept-he will not suffer because he believes and hopes that things will be better-all because his love for God allows him to be free in what God has promised TO him.

I have so much emotion about this, I'm not sure that my thoughts are even transmitting clearly. Jesus IS the center of my joy. Not my son's happiness. Not fixing the wounds that hurt ME so I believe they hurt my child. Not trying to figure out the motive behind the actions of others. Jesus IS the center of my joy.

No matter what I go through, I am always thanking Jesus. So why am I not thanking him for showing me that he has a great plan for my child's life? Why am I not thanking him for having such a presence in my child's life at such an early age? Why am I not thanking him for the living testimony I often talk about?

Because in my mind, loving my child was not letting him hurt. But if I trust in God, and if I let Jesus be the center of my Joy and lead by awesome example-my son will know and be assured that his faith and his hope are not in vain-that the love he has already shown will be the greatest tool in his journey.

He loves his father. But the greatest LOVE is for his heavenly father. My child has shown me his faith. He has shown me his hope. He has shown me his relentless love. And he has taught ME by example that if I put all that energy into loving God, that he will rain it right back down on me. I can't protect him from the things that God has put into place for him.

A mother. Put back into her place BY a child. My child that God gave to ME.

My child is walking a tremendous journey. And amazingly to me, he knows he is not alone and his head is held high. I'm not creating or paving any ways or roads for him. He isn't walking by himself, he knows who is holding his hand, but-I'm walking behind them.

Faith.

Hope.

Thank you God, for everlasting Love.

The Archived Poems-The visit

The visit

I was so glad to see you.

It’s been so very long

I hope soon this is over

I’ve tried so hard to be strong.

This time I got to touch you

I felt safe in your embrace

I tried to hold my tears back

As yours streamed down your face.

We all got to sit together

Laugh, cry, and reminisce

These moments that I took for granted

These moments that now, I miss

Then we had to leave you

Something I really cannot bear

And once again, like other times.

I had to leave you there

*After first visit to prison

1/21/94

The Archived Poems-My War

My War

Like a brave little soldier

I stood out on the battle field

Nothing would ever stop me

To no one would I yield

My rifle was my courage

My armor was my strength

My will to fight came from within

Love, that would last to any length

Then the battle started

And all my pride was chapped

As I faced my opponent

I realized I was trapped

This was not the first one

I still had not received my crown

It was just another of many times

That in the end I got shot down

The Archived Poems-Family Prayer

Family prayer

Hold him in your arms

Tell him it will be okay

Tell him that you are with him

Every night and every day

Hold her close to your heart

Listen to her endless prayers

Help her to handle everything

Show her that you care

Take her away from where she is

Don’t let her stay another day

Guide her through her path in life

Help her get away

Shield him from this awful thing

He’s too young to know

Give him strength to live his life

Watch and help him grow

Guide me through all that I face

All of my decisions seem wrong

Lead me in the right direction

I can’t go on like this for long

Hold us all together

Let the love stay strong inour hearts

Let our strength hold us together

With You, we’ll never fall apart

What I Deserve

Today started out as a great day.

I got to work early, some little surprises work wise-nothing major.

Then, the normal text message in an attempt to ruffle my feathers, but this one did ruffle my feathers. It's unimportant to put up what was actually said to me...but just to make a long story short...I have a child who is with the other parent, and they have no real relationship up to this point. I'm sure on another occasion I will write more in depth about this...but it is what it is.

Immediately, I asked for prayer. You know, now that I think about that-that's an accomplishment kind of in and of itself. I can remember a time where my temper would have flared and I would have been so angry I didn't know what to do. Then so sad I couldn't make heads or tails of anything. Then sitting at the table of my own pity party that nobody else wanted to attend.

Not today. I asked for prayer. Not for me, but for another person. Can I pray for this person, yes. But I also realize that before I send up any prayers in vain, I have to talk to God about the feelings I am having about this person and this situation. See, I'm past the point in my life where I ask God "WHY". He has been too good to me. How dare I ask "why"? Instead, I say thank you God for the living testimony...forgive me for acting this way. Help ME to forgive this person, knowing that it is not for HIM but for me. Forgive me for making any judgments on why he does what he does, and THANK YOU God for blessing me because I already know you have it all under control. HELP ME to receive the blessing that you are raining down on me, and thank you for trusting me to get through this as a true child of God.

My how things change.

I'm also thankful that I have a group of people that I can go to and ask them to pray. People that honestly believe and know in the power of prayer, and people that would correct me in love if they thought my feelings were uncalled for or unnecessary.

Now, I did receive a reply back that said:

"He doesn't deserve any prayers"

Now this was a statement made in haste...a statement made my a mother who has walked in my shoes and gone the distance. Someone I can truly look to for guidance and support. I didn't take her words literally, but it did make me think.

My response to that was everybody deserves to be prayed for, but nobody deserves to be judged. See, I won't let this man take any of my joy away for the decisions that he has made. I won't let him hinder my happiness, my security, my life not another second, not another day. I did suffer when I was with him...but it was not because of him. It was because I LET HIM. It was because instead of putting all my faith, energy, and trust in GOD, I was waiting for a man to step in and give those things to me. He did not take my joy, I let it go. He did not take my happiness, I couldn't see that MY happiness was not in HIM. He did not take my security, I let my guard down for the wrong person. But he did change my life. And I'm not bitter about that. I am ever, EVER thankful.

I can't be mad at him. He's not making choices for me. Yes, the mother in me aches for my child. But you know what? God has a plan for him to. And my job is not to protect him from anything. My job is to teach him that he can go to God for EVERYTHING and he will provide. Unlike what a lot of people teach their children, I have told and instilled in my child that I am doing the best that I can-but I might not be right. I have been honest with him and told him that I would LOVE to be everything he needs me to be, but we can only trust GOD and know that he will supply all of our needs. I spend many years wondering, just as the young lady from my church, how long people would punish me and judge me for what I had done in the past. So wouldn't I be the biggest hypocrite to do that to this man when I know what it feels like? I don't wish any ill will towards him, but all I can do is pray for him. Because the only person that will suffer the most from the consequences of the choices he has made...is him. And I won't be there to point my finger at him. I am praying that I will be there to extend a hand and tell him "You can make it". He can change. But he has to face his own self. That is not up to me. I don't know what he will need or what he needs NOW, but I'm just praying that God continue to bless him.

You see, none of us are ready or even capable of standing up to what we deserve. How many of us deserve even 1/100th of the blessings that he has given to us? If God doubted me as many times as I have doubted him, where would I be? God has brought me out of death, MORE than once. He has protected me even when I thought I was being hurt. He has trusted me, even though I spent so much time trusting him half-heartedly and only praising him when things were going right.

What I deserve, I will never get. None of us will. We will get a glimpse of what life is like if you don't trust in Him, but he is so merciful-he will never let us fail. I thank God that he hasn't given me what I deserve. We probably all should be.

Today started out as a great day.

I have learned more about myself today. I have seen where I was and where I am. I have maintained who I am, and where I faltered asked God to forgive me, and I know he did. As undeserving as I am, I know he did. And today I am better, even if just a little bit, than I was yesterday.

Today started out as a great day.

It's a day I didn't deserve.

It's a day that he gave me anyway.

Today IS a great day.

Sunday-July 27, 2008. Servant or Instrument?

So...just in reverence to how good God has been to me and in my own reflections on my spiritual journey, on Sundays I will post about the message and the application to my life. I'm just so thankful that God has blessed me to be part of a church family with a pastor that speaks to the issues in my life, and sometimes to just show me how far I've come.

I was late going to church this morning. The men's choir was singing, and usually on fourth sunday, I try to just get there by 11:30 or so. When I walked into the vestibule I was intersected by one of the young ladies at my church, really I consider her to be like a little sister to me. She told me she needed to talk to me, so I followed her outside.

She was in tears and spoke about how we all suffer for the things that we do, and that she has asked God for forgiveness and prayed about it, but she felt like she was all alone. Friends turning out to not be such great friends after all, and she was just completely in an emotional black hole trying to figure out why it was all going on at one time.

Her description of what she was going through made me smile on the inside. Not because I was glad for what she was going through, but all week in my private time with God I've been asking him if all these feelings I think I should put out there...is it all in vain? Do I have a story to share, or do I need to just get over it? I can't communicate to you in words written or spoken how compelled I am at various times to reach out to people, or to share my experiences because I feel like I should. It's an urgent and often times overpowering compulsion to do so, and I've often wondered if I am reading my OWN thoughts the right way.

Thank you God for confirmation.

See, she explained life as I once saw it and unlike me, she had someone to go to. I am so thankful that she felt open enough to talk to me and allowed me to give her some insight. I was also proud of her for being able to see where the true fault lies. As I told her, as time goes on-I have discovered that very few people are able to put their own faults on the line. That it is difficult for them to admit that a lot of what they are going through is a result of decisions they made based on the consequences given to them. She had that clarity-but she was still kind of stuck. She was feeling so down that the people she thought she could depend on were now turning their backs on her. She couldn't understand why people didn't forgive her, if she had already been forgiven by God. And lastly, she was distraught at the accusations of others about her character when she was trying to change.

I felt like a page of my life had been read back to me to give me insight on how far I actually had come. It is not in my nature to preach to people about God, because every person's relationship with God is their own. In this instance, I felt comfortable referencing it because she had spoke about it numerous times. The answers she was looking for were so clear to me, but I also realize that clarity for me did not equal acceptance for her. Asking God for forgiveness is an act of great faith. She had taken the first step. However, what she didn't see-and what took me YEARS to see-is that if we still suffer for the things that we have asked God to forgive us for-we must not honestly believe that he will forgive us. It's not an issue with God. It's an issue in ourselves. And if you are not faithful enough to believe that he has forgiven you-you will continue to suffer because you didn't fully allow him to work it out for you. Clear to me NOW, but not a concept I expect to be taken easily. It's always hard to let go. But I have learned that God will take the people and things that you don't need out of your life. And if you don't listen, he will MAKE YOU. So, I had to tell her to not wonder why these people weren't there for her-but to see that she didn't need them. To figure out what it was about the friends that had betrayed her that attracted her to them. To see the common denominator in their lives and find the differences in friends that still stood by her side. She said she felt alone and she didn't have anybody. I told her she doesn't NEED anybody. I can look back and see how people were shifted in and out of my life and I wondered the same thing. Today I can see that once I really took my faithfulness to the next level, God was showing me that I don't NEED anybody but him. I was putting too much faith in man-and that is never a good solution. Then I told her that the ugly things that people can see in you, it's because that's what they are or have been themselves. A real friend will tell you what those traits are and try to help you from them...but a hater (only for lack of a better word) will focus on those things and use them to bring you down so that they can feel better about themselves. The longer we are distracted by the things that are of this world, is just that much time that we separate ourselves from God. I told her to pray to ask God to increase her faith. To be thankful for the living testimony that when we are going through things that God trusts us enough and believes in us to know that we can get through it. To know, that every "thing" might not be for us, but we are being used as an instrument to show people around us. And if we are faithful enough to truly lay our burdens down, God will make it clear why he did what he did, and how we will be stronger, better, and more faithful than we ever were or knew we could be. We had a good talk. She felt better, I told her to come sit with me in service.

We got in in time for the Hymn of Consecration, "Yesterday". I was over come by emotion. THANK YOU GOD FOR CONFIRMATION!!
The lyrics go like this:

I had enough heartache And enough headache
I've had so many ups and downs
Don't know how much more I can take
See I decided that I cried my last tears, yesterday
Either I'm going to trust you or I may as well walk away
'Cause stressing don't make it betterDon't make it better, no way
See I decided that I cried my last tears yesterday Yesterday,(yesterday) oh Yesterday (yesterday) I decided to put my trust in you (oh) Oh (oh) Oh (oh)Yesterday,(yesterday) Yesterday (yesterday)
I realized that you will bring me through
There ain't nothing too hard for my God, noAny problems that I have
He's greater, greater than them all, soI decided that I cried my last tears yesterday
Yesterday,(yesterday) oh Yesterday (yesterday)
I decided to put my trust in you (oh) Oh (oh) Oh (oh)
Yesterday,(yesterday) Yesterday (yesterday)
I realized that you will bring me through
There ain't nothing (There ain't nothing) too hard for my God, (oh no)
Any problems that I have (oh)
He's greater, greater than them all,
soI decided that I cried my last tears yesterday



Then, the pastor started preaching about the difference between being an instrument of God and being a servant. Funny, because I had just used the word "instrument in my earlier conversation.

He explained how we can all be used as instruments in order to bless somebody else. But being a servant of God would reflect in our every day lives. Being an instrument in the pulpit, choir, other ministries-doesn't make you a servant. It means that you know how to ACT like you are being a servant. Being a servant means LETTING GO of all the things that have hindered you in the past. Being FAITHFUL enough to trust in God. And knowing...that your reward as a servant, may not come on this side. But you would be eternally rewarded for your works on earth, in Heaven.

I felt like this message was exactly for the young lady. But oh, how it spoke to MY life. See, I understand the difference between being a servant and an instrument. And as he spoke, it became so clear to me that if you are only being an instrument for God, you are indeed being a servant to your own LIFE as it is in the world. I can remember asking God WHY I had to go through so much. I can remember being mad because I felt like my innocence and the choice to be who I wanted to be was taken from me at a young age. I can remember praying because it seemed right, but never believing my prayers would be answered. I was a servant-a victim to my own life.

Thank you God for the journey. Thank you for the people that have come in and out of my life and now serve as a testimony that you will never leave me, and never forsake me. Thank you for all of my living testimonies. Thank you for believing that I could take it, knowing that I would make it. Thank you for molding my life and giving me an awesome testament to your works and being, I hope, an example to those whose faith falters.

I used to ask God to help me to be happy. I used to ask God to help me get through each day. I used to ask God why I had to go through the things that I did. I used to ask God why I had to live like I was.

Then I asked God to increase my faith, and help me to be stronger in him. And he showed me that the choice to be unhappy was mine, because he has told us he will carry our burdens, if we believe. I then saw that when I was asking God to help me get through each day, there was glimmers of my faith where I might believe he could-but more importantly, as I was praying-he was working. I just didn't see it. I saw that the things I was going through was helping me climb every step of my life with the know how to do it and do it well. And I then saw that I was living exactly how I was supposed to be, the only thing lacking was my belief that God knew what he was doing.

God is too wise to ever make a mistake, and too holy to do anything wrong.

If not for God's grace, where would I be?

Not here. I am a living testimony. A miracle. A work that only one person can understand.

God.

I stand here thanking God for his grace and mercy, knowing that I can never repay him for how good he has been to me and ever grateful for the day to day blessings he has rained down on me. I am not perfect, but I'm doing the best that I can to be a true servant of God. To take this life and show others that he has been there with me all the way. The only thing that ever overshadowed him was my own doubt that he was there.

Anybody can play an instrument-that's not what I'm here for.

The Archived Poems-The Date

over the next few days I will be posting some of the poems I spoke about. They will be called "The archived poems".

This poem was written in 1993. The story is completely fictional-I was never raped as a teenager and never raped in a situation such as this. I was 15 years old, and although the situation was fictional-my feelings about this subject were real. I had been through this-but as a much younger child.

The date

The hall is full of laughter

People everywhere

She stands there all alone

Trying to pretend not to care

Inside she’s feeling empty

Not ready to be known

But after all she’s been through

She’s mature and she has grown

Her family couldn’t care less

Is that why it hurts so much

She can’t stand all the people

She can’t stand to be touched.

There, over there he is

Laughing with his friends

She remembered when she too was there

He made it all end

They really liked each other

Ready to see it through,

She realized he was not the one

He wanted to do things she couldn’t do

She tried to tell him no

It started as a date

He pretended not hear her

And, savagely, she was raped

She told her friends and family

She that it was true

He made her look like a liar

Pretending he had suffered too

He said she just wanted attention

Just to make him look bad,

She wished that she could tell him,

He was soon to be a dad.

Abortion was her only choice

Killing an innocent child

She couldn’t allow this child to live

For the love for it would only be mild

Her friends turned against her

His story they chose to believe

“why me” she cried out in the night

She had been hurt, lied on, and deceived

There was nothing she could do

Only she knew the story

She had to endure and live it through

Some day she would rise in glory

She has no friends but herself

All this because of his lust

Raped, pregnant, hurt inside

Now who could she trust?

Someday she will tell her tale

And then they’ll know her side

He’ll be the one who suffers

For all the tears she cried

11/6/93

Clarity

I happened upon something rare last night. I think very few people can pinpoint when life started taking a turn for them, and how things were before that point.



I found it.



This last week has been more than trying for me. Yesterday I was deep in prayer and thought, when I was suddenly compelled to find a book I used to write in when I was younger. I had completely forgot about it and I was shocked that I even remembered I had it, and the fact that I knew exactly where it was. (Thank you God for talking to me!)



A box. Last night, simply a box. Today-the key to my clarity.



In the box I found things that I had written from preschool all the way until I was in college. It was painful to read some of it, because I can look back now and see where I started to hide inside myself. I read through every paper in that box. Who knows why I put those papers in that box when I did, but I see God knew exactly what he was doing.



I sat there and one by one, I read every paper, every story, every poem and I could look into my memory and remember how I felt. I laughed. I cried. But I remembered. In first grade, I wrote about an imaginary friend. On my story I wrote that she was a nice ghost and only I could see her and talk to her. I laughed out loud, and then I remembered JoAnna. JoAnna was my imaginary friend. She kept all my secrets. It hurt me at first to remember this, because my reasoning for creating her was as an outlet. I know that now. At first I started to get mad, I thought even then I was hiding. Then I let it go, it's over. And then the Clarity came over me. JoAnna was an imaginary friend at the time. But she was the me outside of me that I had to create to get through what I was going through. JoAnna was there when they touched me, when they made me perform sexual acts on them, when they teased me, when they hit me...but they never hurt her. She was MINE. They couldn't touch her. And now I see-she was the ME that they couldn't get to. It was something of mine that they couldn't taint. She was there for me. She listened to me cry, she felt my anger, she was there so I wasn't alone. I held onto JoAnna until I was about 8 years old. I never spoke about her but now I remember that I talked to her about the things I couldn't tell other people. If I recall correctly, I kind of let go of her when I started to actually believe that talking to God did mean he was listening. I was 8...I didn't know.



Also in the box were love poems I had written at various ages. All these things will be posted sometime, I just have to find the time to get them all in electronically. I giggled at the love poems. So cheesy and childish, as they should be. I have spent many years thinking that my childhood was robbed...and in some ways it was, I can't take that back. But here-I could see. It was in me...I had the same junior high crushes. I thought love was bubblegum and balloons. It was in me. I did know how to feel without doubt. I knew how to dream like little girls do. I have forgotten that part of me. I have forgotten that that ever existed inside of me. I found it. It was never taken from me, I just let the concept leave me. I stopped believing in that kind of innocence only because I was bitter that mine had been taken. My innocence might have been taken, but dreams can not be taken. We let them go when it seems like it's impossible that they could ever come true.



There were quite a few other poems that I wrote during the ordeal that my family went through when my dad was in prison. (All these things seem unclear I know, but I will post the details of these events soon enough!) It was hard to remember that pain. Learning how to deal with circumstance that you don't deserve was hard at 14. But I can look back and see that then, I was wondering why this was all happening. Today, I guess I feel thankful that I'm faithful enough to know it all happened exactly as it should have. Although these poems were painful to read, I remembered that I haven't always held everything inside. I couldn't. When I was feeling like that I had an outlet. I let it out, and then I let it go. When did I stop doing that? Why did I stop doing that? Somewhere along the line instead of letting it out, I just let it eat me away on the inside and I never let it go. I don't know when I stopped doing that, but it was so important for me to remember that I HAVE done that. That I have the ability TO DO that. I just stopped.

There were some other things in the box that I think I needed, just because I've become so lost in the bad things that I have let them overshadow all those things that I should remember proudly. A suprising amount of awards that I have received that I forgot about. How could I? Every one of those things is something I DID. I DID IT. Nobody can take those from me. They are mine. My acceptance letter to MIT. It was my dream to go there, and I DID THAT. Everything I worked for, everything I wanted...and when I got there-the door wasn't closed in my face. Although I didn't go because it wasn't what I wanted-it was still a dream-a goal...and I got there. "Welcome to the class of 2000". I might not have accepted the invitation, but it was there. That's important to me. I did that.

I guess I never stopped to go back and remember who I was before I let tragedy, bad memories, and circumstance consume me. Now I know. I know not who I was, but who I can be. JoAnna may have been put away, but I have to bring her back. All the secrets that she knows, I need to deal with them and then I need to find the dreamy teenager in me again and let it all go. Then I need to remember that it was me that got me to where I'm at. I did this.

I've been looking in the mirror wondering when it would be clear. Now I see that I was looking in the window trying to get away from what brought me down.

I'm back in the mirror. I see me. I see all of them behind me. So I'm turning around to gather them all up and take them with me so that I can now be whole on this journey.

And when I get them all and turn around...then I will see me. And it will all be clear.

Clarity.

Finally.

The Archived Thoughts-Waiting on your own life

I found in a lot of my writings that I also had thoughts that maybe later on transpired into poetry, I just outlined my feelings. I don't know when I wrote this-and honestly-I can't really describe how it makes me feel. Just questions, NOW. But I remember what it felt like to ask these questions and not know if there was an answer, and if there was-not being sure I'd ever know it.

Waiting on your own life

Do we all live in waiting?

Are we all waiting for the next 'thing' whatever it is?

Is anybody else waiting on their own life, like me?

Is anybody else stepping out to try to change the things that need to be changed, only to wait and see if you did it right this time?

Am I waiting on life? Or did I miss the purpose, and is life waiting on me?

Am I waiting for the people in my life to come around? Or are they waiting on me to fail again?

Am I waiting for them to believe in me? Or are they waiting on me to believe in myself?

Am I waiting for people to see who I am? Or are they waiting on me to show them?

Life...where are you?


Date unknown

The Archived Thoughts-The end of the broken soul...part II

What am I missing?

What is it that I just don’t get?

Is God waiting for me to have a revelation? In my mind I think how he must be tired of waiting, but because I know how good he is, I don’t question him. But now I have to question me.

Is this where I’m supposed to be? Alone? Did I miss something?

I’m blank. Not empty. I’m blank.

This is what I do. I feel, and then I go blank. I don’t put it away, I don’t keep it inside-I wipe it off. Blank sheet. Nothing.

I have to think that I missed something. That somewhere, sometime, maybe it had to do with someone-I missed it. Because I don’t know if I’m supposed to be here.

I know my other entry may have been cause for concern…but that’s what I am when I’m not blank.

It seems that to everybody I am something…but not the same except for the common factor is that I’m stability to them. It’s almost an oxymoron. How could someone see me and see stability-when I don’t even know who I’m supposed to be, who I want to be, if I even like what I’ve turned out to be.

I hope it worked out. I hope to God I didn’t do or say anything that hindered him from being the best that he can be. From showing them exactly who he is.

He’s leaving me. And why shouldn’t he. I have loved him inside of me and on the outside, I’ve been blank.

He’s staying because he doesn’t want to be alone again. He’s not happy. It’s unbearable, but it’s true. My heart is breaking and as much as I want to call and scream and yell and tell him how much I love him, I can’t bother him. This could be the most important day of his life. The last thing he needs is the emotional, unstable bitch that he calls a girlfriend to mess up his state of mind. I picture him celebrating. I picture him happy and laughing…I hope he got his victory today. And if he did, I’ll know. He’ll never get anywhere with me, I don’t think it can work. He gave me hope that it wasn’t like that, but as long as it took me to accept it…he wiped it away so quickly. I told him I’d never walk away again, and I don’t want to. But he won’t do it-and based on what he said-based on how he was-it’s better for him.

No wedding. No ring, no pretty dress, no happily ever after. And no ruining another person’s life that just doesn’t deserve it. I’m stuck here. Stuck in my loneliness, in my hurt, in my pain, in my anger, in my sadness…and I’ve been stuck so long that I’m blank.

I’m not missing anything. I’m missing everything.

I am broken…I’m missing my soul. I’m missing my heart. I’m missing the basic drive to even want to be alive…but I wipe it all away. I move in monotony…and I always thought it was applaudible that I could shut out all the noise…I’m too good at it.

I know how to make it silent. I know how not to feel. I know how not to be. And now I know-there’s no coming back from it.

I have made him suffer. He wants to see the best in me, but there’s nothing good left here. I should have left well enough alone. I don’t deserve his love. I don’t deserve his goodness. I don’t deserve any part of all the rewards he is going to receive just simply for daring to dream. The only dream I have is to have peace. And in my mind, that peace only comes with death.

This is so hard. How can people love you if they truly don’t know you? Can they love what they think you are? Will they still love you when they find out who you are? I guess I’m preparing myself. There’s a whole world of people better suited, just better for him. I will be thankful for the time that I’ve had. And I’ll let him go…he deserves to be happy.

I’m missing my heart. SON has part of it, he will bring it back. Mr. has the other part that I didn’t think I had. It’s safe with him, but I won’t ever hold him back.

The body is controlled by the brain and the heart. I’ve always had the brain…but now I’d give anything to have my whole heart back. Everything.

I guess I do get it. I have to maintain. I can’t depend on others, that’s not what they are there for. They can’t take it. I know better than to try to make anyone understand how I feel. I shouldn’t even acknowledge keeping things in, I should just do it and put on the happy face. I’ve been selfish. How can they get me when I don’t get me. And maybe if I loved me, they could too.

I won’t expect anybody to do things I can’t do.

I am missing me. And I don’t know where to find me.

The Archived Thoughts-The end of the broken soul...part I

You win. You all win. Every person that has hurt me. Each person that I have wronged that was waiting for me to get mine. Any person, that for whatever reason, wanted me to suffer. You win.

Is victory sweet?

You know, I’ve spent a long time telling myself that I’m not a victim of my circumstance. But just as you had hoped…I am. Just as I’ve told many lies-the person that can look me in the face and call me the biggest liar-is ME. You took my childhood, you took my innocence, you took my ability to love, you took my ability to trust, you took my dreams, you took my hope, you took my heart. Little by little, piece by piece…I’m a shell of a person that I could have been. I’m a lie on the outside and empty on the inside. And now the basic things that I should have learned as I child…I can’t have. It’s too late.

You win.

I let what you did, enable me to justify doing others wrong. But don’t worry-I got it all back. And then some.

You win.

And for those of you that are on the outside looking in…you don’t know me. You don’t know anything about me. You don’t know how I work, you don’t know who I am, you don’t know anything but what you think you see. And that is not me…it’s a shell of a person who could have been. If my suffering makes you happy-you should be upset that you wasted any time. I’m a pitiful soul that has been suffering all along. I can put my words on paper as sharp as knives to pierce your soul, but I can’t give any single emotion that is ever right. I’ve been suffering.

You win.

I’m only sorry now for the people that really don’t win. How can you ever know how sorry I am? How can you ever know how much I don’t want to be who I am, but I’m trapped inside my own existence? How can you ever know that I blame myself that even if you didn’t have a choice-I wish you never had to be a part of my life. Not because I don’t love who you are or what you’ve been to me. But simply because I’ve been a waste of YOUR time.

A child…completely innocent-given to someone that doesn’t deserve all the goodness, all the blessings, all the joy that you have brought. Everything about you that’s beautiful, is everything that is not like me. Everything that hurts you, is because of me. Everything that you are looking for, is everything I should have been able to give you-but I can’t. And every good thing you do will be because of who YOU are. Not me.

A father and a mother who believed in me. That gave me all the tools I needed to be everything that I’m not. I wish you didn’t love me. It would make more sense. You still hope that I can be someone that is worth being. But I can’t. I don’t know how. You believe in me, but I gave up on me a long time ago. I just wasn’t brave enough to say it. It’s not your fault.

A sister that I don’t understand, but now your actions make sense. There’s nothing good about me. So maybe you’re the only one that can be honest enough to admit it.

A brother who has so much ahead of him. Be your own person. Be who you are, and don’t ever look back on me as somebody you look up to. There’s nothing here to be proud of. There’s nothing here that you should want to be as part of your life. Love your life. Love who you are. I’ve tried to, but I can’t.

I don’t want to live. I feel so ungrateful for the things that I’ve been blessed with-but I’m here again. Maybe I was always here and I pretended not to be…but I’m here. God trusted me with what he gave to me. God thought I could be better. How much will I be punished for telling God he is wrong. I can’t take this life. I can’t be responsible for hurting anybody else. I can’t. I don’t want to.

Why should I?

I know I have to. But I should want to. And I don’t.

So I’m going to wipe my eyes. Get up. Put on my shell and go on about my business.

That’s what I do.

Again, you win

Forgiveness

I often say that the worst thing you can do to somebody else is to stop believing that they can change.

Well, as I live and learn-I think I also need to keep reminding myself that one of the worst things we can do to ourselves is not opening up and allowing yourself to truly forgive somebody. And really for me, to forgive myself first.

The inevitable stupidity hit me this morning. Stupid. That's how I always feel after I've had some major outlet of my true feelings. I feel like I shouldn't have said anything. I wonder what the person thinks of me now that I've said it. I wonder what it would be like to just deal with things like a normal person would. Is there such a thing?

I can only speak for me, but I know the defense mechanisms I use to protect myself really only hurt me in the end. Nasty words, being excessively mean when it's not necessary, being cold when nobody deserves it. It's all overrated. It's all a temporary fix to your pain. It's all bullshit, basically.

I have told myself for a long time that I can not function in a relationship. I have told myself that I have so much in my past that I can't trust or believe in basic goodness. I have told myself that the happiness that most people strive for and attain can not be mine. I have set myself up for failure.

So today, I am going to forgive myself. I am going to stop standing behind who I think I should be and I'm going to walk in front and be the person that is scared to step out. How silly is it to be scared of failure when I know I survived odds that most people don't beat. That's not failure. I know how to love, but I don't expect to be loved. And when I am-I doubt it. I forgive myself for not believing that I deserve that.

I have done to EVERYBODY what I claim is the worst thing you can do. I have not given anybody the benefit of the doubt in thinking they could understand me. I have held everybody to the standard of some of the worst people I have ever known because those are the people that I never want to be in my life again. So to protect myself, I've only given everybody else as much credit as I would to those people...NONE.

I forgive the people that ever formed an opinion about me without knowing anything about me. The fact of the matter is, I never gave them the opportunity or trusted that they had the capacity to even "get" me. I forgive them, and in that same breath-I hope they can forgive me for assuming they weren't capable.

I may have lost the things most important to me to realize that instead of fighting against them, I could have fought for them. Honestly, I don't know what to do now. I can't explain the feelings I'm having right now-but I have got to move forward. I've been a person outside of myself for too long and I have to stop that. I've let the person that I want people to see walk in front and move forward, and I've let the person that I'm trying to hide pull back. I'm standing in the middle allowing the tug of war and while they move forward and back-I'm just here. Going nowhere. I can walk forward-so the person I am is who people will see. The person I'm trying to hide...she has got to go.

It's doesn't make any sense for me to get upset about how people judge me. It makes sense to file it, keep my head up, and show them who I am.

As much as I've ever been through, nobody has ever victimized me worse than I've done to myself.

I forgive them.

Most importantly, I forgive me.

Is love enough?

To answer the question simply, NO.

To answer it with deep thought, NO.

You know, we live in a society that tells us that happiness comes from love and money, not necessarily in that order. Isn't the ideal life to have a husband, a great career, kids, pets, a dream house, a dream car, and everything that goes with it? Well, the first point here is that for all that you need money-which should be supplied by your perfect husband and thriving career-and then love is supposed to hold it all together. Now hold for a commercial break.

Don't we all wish it was just this simple?

Am I in a relationship? Yes

Am I happy? Most of the time

Am I in love? Completely head over heels

Is it enough? Again, NO.

We have unrealistic expectations for what love is going to do. Well let me tell you, just for me, what it will NOT do.

Love will never be enough to explain why the things in my life are not important to you.

Love will never be enough to ease the pain after my feelings have been neglected in search of approval that may never, EVER be gained.

Love will never be enough for me to go on in life wondering just where my life is going-because although you love me-show me where my life is changing because of that?

Love will never be enough for me to understand why I have to sacrifice what I want for what you hope for.

Love will never be enough for me to understand that my opinion means nothing.

Love will never be enough for me to allow you to buy me out of my discontentment.

Love can't talk to me. Love can't work through your problems. Love can't make you be a man.

Love is what makes me stay here. Love is what reminds me why I want to be here. Love is what allows me the patience to endure. But it is not enough.

Love is a feeling. Life is the action of time passing us by. Time waits for no man. I can't get time back because I didn't consider it important in the first place. Love doesn't stop time. Time can fade love.

Love.
It's not enough.

Written July 16, 2008

Reflection

In my reflection
I wish you could see
The image I look at
My perception of me

I wish you could feel
The pain that I’ve seen
The hurt that I’ve carried
So many bad things

The girl in the mirror
Looks at the woman in awe
Of all that she’s been through
So many things have went wrong

I see the image of myself
I see what other people see
I know what’s behind those eyes
Only I really know me

I stand with my shoulders back
I stand with my head held high
Nothing more to be ashamed of
No more angry tears to cry


I see a mended heart
I see a complete soul
Only the scars of what I have endured
Those wounds now make me whole

I see a woman who can love
She tells the girl it is okay
I see a woman who has opened up
She makes the girl feel safe

I see a girl, once defeated
Sadness and fear ruled her ways
The woman now carries the banner
Victory is hers, every day

The woman now can see clearly
Nothing has ever went wrong
Things happened as they were supposed to
Now she sings a new song

The woman sees the girl
Exactly for who she really is
A person with nothing to be ashamed of
Just scared to let herself live

The woman inside me is ready
To take that girl by the hand
To tell her that everything was for a reason
To let her know we have walked in his plan

All the hurt has made me stronger
All the fear has made me wise
All the things I’ve been through
I see it, still in my own eyes

With all those things behind me
I’m ready to move in his will
I’m ready to face my enemies
My spirit can never again be killed

I used to look at my reflection with anger
I used to look at myself and wonder why
I used to look at myself and get angry
I used to look at myself and ask God, “WHY?”

Now I look at a woman
Complete, with a renewed spirit and soul
Now I embrace my reflection
Finally, I am whole.

In my reflection
It’s time to let go
Of the past that I let hold me down
I’m taking the past, it’s time to grow


In my reflection
I wish you could see
The image I look at
My perception of me

IN my reflection
Now I can see
An image of wholeness
A warrior who never accepted defeat

In my reflection
Now I can see
My perception was clouded
I do have the victory

In my reflection
Look and see
The girl in the shadows
The woman who set her free

In my reflection
Yes, I see
Strength, Pride, and Love
Now I see me.



11/26/2007
M.A. H.

Many Shades of Stupid

How many shades do you think that there are
Before you realize I know?

How many times do you want to lie in my face
Before you show signs of having some sense?

Of course she doesn’t live with you…there would be nowhere for her to be.
You sit up under her and play house all the time. Her house is your house-
And some man’s baby makes three.

Shade ONE

Your sisters should count themselves so lucky…to have a brother like you.
Running around for babies you didn’t make and pushing me to the side for all
The bullshit YOU perpetrate. If I had a brother like you-I wouldn’t need YOU.

Shade TWO.

Your mama should count herself a lucky one…a boy that comes running
at every request. You just might want to let her know you’re with her
before she starts running around to clean up your mess. A mama’s boy-
who would have guessed?!!

Shade THREE



To further go down the shades that have passed
Would only make this thing worse than it is

It would only remind me of what I have done
It would only remind me I’ve been dealing with a grown ass kid

How many shades of stupid
Do you plan to try to color me today?

How many times can you lie in my face
Before you expect me to confess…

How many things to do you want to try
To stay here when you are clearly in my way

How many ways do I have to say
Get the FUCK ON AND TAKE ALL YOUR MESS.


MAH
Aug 2006

**Thank you Mr. Williams for the inspiration! :-)

I wish

I WISH I COULD TELL HIM IM SORRY
I WISH I COULD TELL HIM I WAS WRONG
I WISH I COULD TAKE MY WORDS BACK
I WISH THAT I COULD BE STRONG

I WISH I WAS STRONG ENOUGH TO FIX THIS
I WISH I COULD SEE HIS FACE
I WISH I COULD TAKE THE PAIN AWAY
I WISH I WASN’T IN THIS PLACE

I WISH HE HAD ASKED ME TO STAY
I WISH HE WANTED TO BE HERE
I WISH THAT HE WANTED ME THE SAME
I WISH I COULD STOP THESE TEARS

I WISH THAT I WASN’T SO DISTANT
I WISH I COULD HAVE HIM TO HOLD
I WISH THAT I HAD ANOTHER CHANCE
I WISH I WOULDN’T HAVE LET GO

I WISH HE DIDN’T FIND SOMEONE NEW
I WISH IT WASN’T THAT EASY TO GO ON
I WISH THAT I HAD KNOWN WHAT I HAD
I WISH THIS HURT TO BE GONE

I WISH FOR HIM TO FIND “HER”
I WISH FOR HIM TO BE HAPPY
I WISH THAT ALL HIS WISHES COME TRUE
I WISH THAT HIS WISH WAS ME
~MAH

Written at an interesting time...2006