Is it you?

Is it you?

9 o’clock in the evening

I hope to be tired

My mind never rests

My heart pounds harder by the second

The needs of my body are unheard

I put all my hope in two little pills that

May or may not bring rest.

Physical rest.

Do you miss me tonight?

Do you remember the daily talks, laughs, conversations.

Why can’t I get you out of my head.

Is it you?

10 o’clock in the evening

The quiet time I dread

The time when my mind takes over

Memories flood the cavity of all other thoughts

They take over everything about anything

I feel no effects from the pills

I feel that my body needs stillness

Are you laying in bed?

Are you missing me like this?

Is it you?

11 o’clock in the evening

Nothing.

Not even the slightest hint of drowsiness

Tears come and go

Frustration looms

Sadness hovers

Sleep nowhere to be found

Are you angry with me?

Are you mad because I haven’t called?

Was I a waste of your time?

Is it you?

Midnight

The TV is on

The sound is turned down

The picture is clear

I see nothing.

I close my eyes hoping for rest

I toss and turn hoping to fall off into sleep

You will not leave my thoughts

You will not leave my mind

Is it you?

1 o’clock in the morning

My heart is beating so fast

I can’t hear anything but the pounding

Inside my head

The house is creaking

For one moment I wonder

If someone came in

Or did you just enter my dreams?

Did you bust into the realm of my unpeaceful rest?

Is it you?

2 o’clock in the morning

I fight to get back to sleep

Even if just for a fleeting moment

It’s sleep

Empty space with no thoughts

Quiet time in my head

But I long for your touch

I long to hold you

To touch you

To graze my lips against yours

I long to hear you say “I love you”

Is it you?

3 o’clock in the morning

I tell the thoughts of my mind to go away

I chase the hurt feelings out of my heart

I open the door for anger

I welcome in the frustration

I allow rage to push away the loneliness

And even in anger-

I miss you.

I pray for you.

I want to know if you are happy.

I want to know if you think of me at all.

I want to know if I can’t get you out of my mind

Because you can’t get me out of yours.

Is it you?

4 o’clock in the morning

I give up the illusion of rest

I give up on taking things day by day

I let go of hoping each day is better

It’s all one endless period of time

Time without you

Time without the love I crave

Time that I am left to my own thoughts

Left to my own conclusions

Left to my own assumptions

Are you sleeping well?

Are you going to wake and tell someone else

Good morning and have a good day?

Are you going to wake up and wait for me to call?

Is it you?

5 o’clock in the morning

It is time to start another day

Another day that I trudge through each moment

Trying to pretend like I don’t spend every second

Missing you.

Trying to find something else to occupy my time

Instead of waiting for you to text me.

Hoping every call is you

Waiting for this nightmare to be over

Waiting for my life to be right again.

Have these thoughts awoken you as well?

Is it you?

And as 6, 7, 8, 9 and every hour comes and goes

It will be one hour closer to the time

That I can try again and

Hope for rest

Hope for peace

Hope for sleep

I will pray all day

I will think of you all day

I will cry on the inside all day

I will wonder what you are doing all day

I will hope that there is no one to replace the space

That I hope I have in your heart.

I will tell myself that it is getting easier

When I know and feel in my heart and all of my soul

That this day is no better than the last

I will smile on the outside

When on the inside I can’t find anything to smile about

I will do what I’m supposed to do

While I am secretly dying on the inside

I will push harder for the things I want

And pretend like I am newly motivated

When really it’s all I can do to keep from falling apart

I will wonder all day if you think of me

I will wonder all day if you know I think of you

I will hope that you still love me

I will hope that you know that I will always love you

I will still dream of our future

I will hope that you still think we have a future too

I will fight myself with the thought that this is over

I will talk myself into believing that you will come back to me

I will criticize myself because I feel so dumb

I will yell at myself because I have become so dull without you

Is it you?

Is it me hoping it is you?

Are we still connected so much that I know when you hurt..

I know when you are angry…

I know when you are frustrated…

But not connected enough for me to know that

There was no connection for you?

Is it you?

Is your pain like my pain?

Is your frustration like my frustration?

Is your love like my love?

Do I just hope it is like mine so that I can hold on to a glimpse

Of what I think still can be?

Is it you?

Are you here?

Will you come back?

Have you let go?

Is it you?

What do you want?

What do you need?

What can I do?

Is it you?

Or is my mind running in hopelessness

Is my heart hurting because the truth is that you are not part of me

Is my body running purely on undefined emotion

That stops me from eating, sleeping, or even being

in any way affected by the things that should slow me?

Will the questions ever stop?

Will the pain ever go away?

Will my heart beat again in the way that it did

So freely before?

Is it you?

Please.

Is it you?

8/21/08

5:38 a.m.

Sleeping pill

I have to

REST.

I can not
should not
will not

try to quiet this commotion in my mind.

There is NO silence
NO escape
NO end

to the confusion that repeats and replays with no sympathy
for

the body

that

is NOT able
can NOT function
will NOT go anymore

BECAUSE

the nerves,
the hurt,
the pain,
the feelings-

DON'T REST.

SLEEPING PILL
please come and mute the cantankerous
rambuctious
misery that
will NOT be weakened
by the pity my heart cries out.

SLEEPING PILL
muffle the pangs of angst
the sharpness of neglect
the piercing stab of abandonment

SLEEPING PILL
turn down the volume on
cries of anger
hurt
and dry these endless tears.

PLEASE
be my temporary answer to this
PERMANENT PAIN
so that this body can

rest. Wake up. Fight itself through the endless,
painstaking,
excruciating day.

And then I will call on you
AGAIN
To ease the pain you did not cause
but only you can take the

MISERY
and hold it.

Until I do it all again.

SLEEPING PILL
GIVE ME unreasonable
restless
REST.

8.7.2008

August Seventh. Two thousand and eight
Five Thirty-Seven p.m.
How many things happened at that moment?
Lives began, lives came to an end.

One moment not appreciated
thousands of moments yet to lose
Time take for granted
Everything changes-old becomes new.

Time used to be fleeting
Happiness and love overflowing my heart
now every moment is an eternity
Now this time tears me apart

Each free moment used to be fantasy
Imagining the perfection of our lives intertwined
Now free moments incarcerate my soul
Now freedom is the greatest enemy of my mind.

I used to expect what each moment would bring
I used to be able to predict the course of my day
I used to bask in the comfort of your love
I want that back-I don't want this pain.

Each day my mind recorded every little thing
so that I could recount it all back for you
Even though we were physically apart
You were right here with me-I HAD you.

When I woke early in the morning
and thanked God for another beautiful day
I also thanked him for the love of my life
Thanked him for answering all of my prayers

There are not many constants day to day
But I found comfort in being with you
Every challenge. Anything. I could face it
I had your arms to fall into

I was so sure that this was right
It was too perfect to be close to wrong
I finally found the completion to this hole in me
I finally felt like I had somewhere to belong

It wasn't always easy to get through things
But I knew our love would be put through some tests
I knew we each had things that would come and go
I just knew our relationship would be blessed

Now-each day is just a day
Time that I wish would just pass
Time I wish I could rewind
I need time to slow down. This all happened so fast.

I miss the freedom in my happiness
I miss the excitement of being in love
Mostly-I just miss all of you
I still don't know what I could have done

My mind has not stopped searching
I just don't know how to feel
I can not rest. I can not comprehend.
This hurt can not be real.

That day-That very moment
Who can say all that happened right then
8.7.2008...5:37 p.m.
Life as I LOVED IT came to an end.

Self-Reflection...Preservation

I'm still shaking.

But for once-the thoughts in my mind are clear.

I walked around the lake again today. It has become habit. Now more than ever, I have an urge to push my body to it's limits. To get back in shape the way I know I should be. To be healthy as ever, because that should be what we want for ourself anyway. At first I thought it was just something I was doing to distract myself. Often times I have wanted to just tire myself out so that I could sleep for any length without waking myself up with my thoughts.

Today, our Pastor asked the congregation to fast from 6 am until 6 pm in preparation for our 14th Church Anniversary. He focused on three major points to study, fast, and pray over. The first one...self reflection. From Galatians 2: 20-21

20 I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. 21 I do not set aside the grace of God; for if righteousness comes through the law, then Christ died in vain.”

I don't know where to start...I don't know where this will end. But talk about some self reflection.

Obviously, the demise of my relationship has entrapped my mind for the last almost two weeks. Searching for what went wrong. Remembering things that should have thrown a flag. Mostly being depressed, then mad, then angry, then sad about the whole thing.

Today, there was a couple holding hands walking in front of me. They both had their own iPods, but they walked hand in hand...exchanging looks from time to time, but they walked in silence. Each walking to their own beat-but still walking together. I thought, well-thank you God for showing me what that love was like. Then I wondered how many people have had to get over love like that-how it affects you in the future...but that is a post for another time :-)

I thought to myself that I miss his affection. His love. I thought WE had a connection like that. Then I remembered how connected I felt to him when he made love, how special it was because we were in love...
and something stopped me right in my tracks.

Self reflection.

"I have been crucified with CHRIST...who loved me and gave himself for ME"

Then I remembered that when "we" were still a "we"...we made a vow to abstain from sex. We made up rules about what we could do and couldn't do...but we both agreed that we wanted our relationship to be blessed. I remember saying, from my OWN mouth, that I could respect that he wanted to do this-but I was not completely into it. I can remember NOT FEELING BAD about having sex with him even though we said we wouldn't. I remember EVER SO VIVIDLY now that I made a promise to GOD and I broke it without any remorse, without second thought...and without EVER repenting. I wanted a timeline for how long we had to abstain. I wanted to do it for a certain period before we got married. Shouldn't we all so thankful that Jesus never asked how long he would have to wait before going to Heaven? Shouldn't we all be so thankful that he didn't lay out any rules or limits before he got up on that cross?

Self reflection.

Indeed, I can not control what somebody else does with THEIR salvation, but I will be held responsible for my own.

My body is a temple. Given to ME to preserve. And I have done nothing to preserve it the way I should have. I have done nothing to thank God for preserving it FOR ME when all that a doctor could say is "You could die from this". I have preserved my body for the pleasure of others. Not God.

As I walked, I realized...we had a glimpse of what that connection can be. We didn't have sex, we truly made love. It fixed things for us. It became THAT that made us feel connected. That is NOT a blessing. That was NOT given to us by God...that is the enemy at work. My God, My God-how I see it so clearly now. Physicality took over spirituality. Lust took over love. Flesh took over spirit.

If we would have waited like we said we would...it wouldn't have been any less special. It would have been MORE special. It was a connection that neither of us ever felt. It is a connection that is for MARRIAGE. I did get to a point where I believed that it would benefit us, but when he was weak-I didn't try to stop him. I gave in. I gave up. And everytime I gave my body to him or to any other man, I slapped my God right in the face.

So I have to ask myself, if a man thinks that my body is good enough for him to take physical control of, but not care about my salvation-why have I given it so many times? If a man wants to act like a husband but can not BE a husband, why should I wait for him to make up his mind? Why should I give up my body in the meantime? I'd rather die alone than rot in hell knowing I quenched the lust of any man that doesn't have enough self-control to think about God, his salvation, and my life.

Why have I demanded that I be respected, when I didn't even have enough self respect or respect for GOD to stand up for what IS right? To even CARE about what is right. And if I don't care about what GOD thinks of me-why should any man care about it either?

It indeed was a beautiful thing, but I am so ashamed of my weakness. I am so ashamed of my willingness to let one moment of satisfaction get in the way of an eternity in heaven.

So, indeed, I should push my body. I'm training for the race of a lifetime, and the finish line offers me an eternity in heaven.

I know this is not the only thing-but it is a big thing for me.

I have so many thoughts on this, but they are not clear right now.

Self reflection. I see the reflection. I don't want to look at that anymore.

Now that I've seen the reflection, it's time for preservation.

My body is a temple. My body is God's temple. He gave himself for ME. So why have I given myself so freely to everybody BUT God.

I can't tell anybody else what to do. I can't and won't judge anybody else's relationship with God or try to tell you how to get to Heaven.

For me, I will not let anybody disrespect me or my body again. I won't let lust get in the way of what I know is right. I won't let my past behavior be an indication of what I will do in the future.

Reflection indicates looking into the past. I have to move forward from that.

I don't want my self reflection to show how selfish and ungodly I have been.

I want my reflection to show how good God has been to me. I want my reflection to show that I am a child of God and have acted accordingly. I want my reflection to show that I preserved myself and prepared myself for what God has in store for me.

My self reflection shouldn't just be a reflection of me. It should also be a reflection of what he has done for me.

I asked God to forgive me, and my faith tells me he already has.

I asked God to help me, my faith tells me he already is.

And as confused about life as I am right now, there is no confusion in knowing that he is directing me and showing me where I should go.

And in my reflection, I can see that I have stood in the way of what he has tried to do in my life for far too long.

I'm moving out of the way.

Self-reflection. This is the last time I reflect upon my life and stand alone.

"...it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me"

And the next time I reflect...THAT is what I want to see.

You...Me

You…Me


There is a place to show you
The depth of my love
Not in this world below
But in the clouds above

Not in the intensity of blowing winds
Not in the midst of downpour
Not when the snowflakes fall steadily
But up above the storm

If I could take you with me
Up into the sky
I could show you my love
How I see you through my eyes

The perfection that breeds in nothing
The peace that exists in complicated simplicity
The joy that screams out in serenity
This, my love, is you and me.

The clouds roll on into forever
The sunset touches eternity
The beauty is a million lines
That walk hand and hand infinitely

There are millions of billows of softness
There are countless valleys and hills
There are places where it looks to be noisy
There are places where it seems so still

In one glance it all looks so simple
But there is so much to see
It goes on and on forever
This-is you and me

I want to hold you among the softness
I want to touch you tenderly
I want to feed you this taste of beauty
This is our love-heavenly.



In this vast sea of nothing
I see so many things
I see forever so clearly
I see the story of you and me

A picture displayed in perfection
A song sung in perfect harmony
A story with the happiest ending
The love inside you and me

As I look into the clouds
There is so much to see
Maybe nothing to someone
To me? Everything

I can show you this concretely
This work of art, natural and true
So wonderful I want to see it forever
It is my love for you

As the lights come through the clouds
And end my fantasy
I remember the world around me
Back to jaded reality

I escaped into my heart
For those precious moments in the sky
A picture that painted my love for you
Can you see it? Can you try?

The clouds tell an enduring story
Of love that never ends, never dies
It is the amazing beauty that I see
Every time I look into your eyes

As amazing as the endless clouds
Look into my heart and see
That you define perfection
As divine as the sunset and clouds as they meet

The view that I see is breathtaking
When I look at you it is the same
You are the place where my heart runs freely
It is with you that I am safe


My words could go on forever
Like the beautiful clouds I see
A simple view, yet so much within
This-is you and me

As the clouds roll on forever
Creating a perfect piece of art
I’ve seen the beauty I couldn’t explain
I’ve seen the love inside my heart

As the sound of your voice fills my ears
And beauty is before me as far as I can see
I have found peace that lies within you
This is you. This is me

Come with me into the clouds
Let us travel above the storm
Feed on this delicate ecstasy
It is you-I am at home.

When you want to see my love
Escape into the clouds and see
We are intertwined in heavenly perfection
I am you. You are me.



Written January 17, 2008.
When I believed in us more than anything.
I still do.