What difference does it make?

I think it's safe to say that most of us have posed this mostly rhetorical question a time or five. Let me get right to the toe-stepping: if you've made this statement-YOU are an asshole.

I'm not judging you, I'm not labeling you-all I'm saying is that the moment you made that statement to whomever you made it to, in that same moment you reached asshole status. You can quit reading now, or we can discuss.

Usually, if you have to pose this question-it's too late to make the difference, but you're asking someone to accept something outside of what is acceptable and "what difference does it make" actually means "Just deal with it!" Guess you're wondering what type of scenarios I'm speaking of? Or maybe you're trying to decide if there's a scenario that I'm NOT speaking of.

I hear parents saying this a lot of times about things pertaining to their children. "What difference does it make if I buy X label or Y label for your school supplies?" Well in this instance, probably not much as far as performance goes but you're teaching your children to question authority, to ask questions when given instruction, and to assume they know what's best when a suggestion has been given. See what I'm saying?

I heard somebody say "What difference does it make if I pay him back today or in a month?". Well obviously he isn't getting his money today, but the difference is that that person didn't have to let you borrow any money at all. The difference is whatever you needed that money for, you got it and you took it for selfish reasons and now you want to be upset that they expect you to honor YOUR word when they did what YOU asked? The difference is the next time you need some money, I hope you have more friends because you're going to be without whatever it is that you got.

Many a time I've heard a woman griping about that man that she's been with forever and he wants to know "What's the difference if we're married or not?" How about being able to show someone before God that you are committed? I understand that a piece of paper shouldn't change a relationship but sometimes it does. I've been the friend for more than one of my friends to whom I've had to share that the person they ARE is certainly not the person they were before marriage. And if you get stuck in this situation, you didn't do enough research on that person to make sure you know who he/she is through and through. A piece of paper doesn't solidify your commitment, but it sure makes you responsible for what happens if you don't RESPECT it. Chances are if you have a man or woman asking what's the difference, the difference is they don't want to be married because they aren't acting like a person who WANTS to be married SHOULD. Chances are that your biggest problem probably isn't commitment, it's probably fidelity and trust.

How about the man/woman carrying on a relationship with someone while BEING married. "What's the difference if I'm married or not, I'm here with you". The difference is the man/woman you're with doesn't get any benefit that you bring to the married table. The difference is that everything that other man/woman does for you is in fact beneficiary to YOUR spouse. The difference is that your spouse is entitled to everything you have and the only thing your OTHER is entitled to is hurt feelings and a letter from you stating how many community service hours they gave you because what they did for you, no matter how much or how little, was for FREE. If anything they did for you was to benefit you, they also did it to benefit you and YOUR family that they are not a part of. The difference is that if you want to be married, you should be married and they should be looking at you and realizing you aren't spouse material ANYWAY. The difference is that the person you are with is part of YOUR wrongdoing and is that someone suitable to be with anyway? Is that someone whose judgment you should trust? Is it someone you're going to always run over because they allowed you to deem them as #2 to your #1? And if you are the guilty party-have you somehow convinced yourself that this is different? I'd go ahead and substitute "different" for "stupid". True enough, you can't help who you love. But you can help HOW you love WHO you love.

How about when we ask ourselves "WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?". If you are asking yourself that question, you are second guessing yourself...and if YOU can't stand up to YOU, chances are you get asked this question often and it is rhetorical because the other person knows the answer. NONE. When you have to ask yourself this, you are now asking yourself to settle for a circumstance you had previously deemed unsatisfactory. If you have to ask yourself this, you've moved off the asshole platform straight into Stupid county, located in Settling City. All locations you will find blogs about right here to the right -------->.

Is the question "what difference does it make?" or is the question "what difference do YOU make?"

If the answer is NONE, then you are in the wrong place, at the wrong moment...

at the RIGHT TIME.

What difference do I make? A big difference. So much so that after most have existed in my world, they don't want to exist anywhere else.

What difference do they make?

Some.
None.
All.


I'm still learning. The biggest difference is me.

I'm not who I used to be.
I don't know what I'm going to be.
But I know how to just be.

What's the difference?

The Happy Birthday turned Anniversary...for me!

I wonder if when I'm not SO stressed about what seems to be EVERYTHING if things occur to me as often as they have lately. Mostly things I tolerated that I never should have, people I entertained that aren't entertaining, things I did that I should slap myself for...

I woke up to a text this morning inviting me to celebrate Mr. Lollipop's (an old "acquaintance" from way back) birthday with drinks downtown. I rarely forget ANYTHING, but I realized I didn't remember his birthday because he just doesn't matter anymore. So, the text was sent at about 11 pm the night before so my assumption is that he sent it looking for an obligatory "Happy Birthday" reply. Well, thank the Lord my phone went dead and I didn't get that text until this morning. I'm glad he had to wait around on me for once-Lord knows I spent a year of my life way back when waiting for him to just SEE me. Oh, how desperate!!

Again, I have to step up into the spotlight of shame for my behavior since the breakup. At one time, after the breakup with the EX (he doesn't deserve name recognition anymore-he doesn't even deserve one keystroke from these fingers, I'm being generous and giving him two), I did let Mr. Lollipop come back around. The physical? Two thumbs up all around. Life? FAIL. EPIC FAIL. No need to rehash the past-but this dude should have never gotten a second of my time. But the light skin, pointy nose, nice body strikes again. I put up with unnecessary and completely foolish drama for about a year until a fateful trip, a Happy birthday song, and my revelation on the plane ride home to him that I was "DONE". And that was that.

WHY DIDN'T I LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE.

Walking today, I realized that half these dudes I still stay in what I think is friendly communication needs to just stop. There's no sex, there's no nothing really-but these are people I don't even need in my life. How do they make my life better? They don't-I was the one that gave them a glimpse of hope. I was the one that gave HIM in particular a vision of what his life COULD be like-all that fool had to do was stop lying.

One time my son said "You don't take stuff from anybody, why do you let my dad say whatever he wants to you?" Now, there's a different reason for that-but his concept stuck with me. In general, I hate bullcrap. So why do I always overlook the signs of a BS Hoarder and let them in my life? No WONDER I'm okay being by myself-it's the obvious and preferred alternative to what I normally choose.

So, today I realized that while I do enjoy ME, life wouldn't be SO bad with someone to share it with that was WORTH IT. Don't know if I've met him yet or not...and I'm still not looking. He's going to have to know he's the right one and slap me into it, cause I don't have the energy for that right now.

So, to Mr. Lollipop-Happy Birthday. Glad to say I gave you one of the best ever-but we will never celebrate another one again. But, it is also a Happy Anniversary to me. Celebrating the time in my life when I realized there wasn't anything wrong with me, but everything wrong with you and to a certain point moved on. Anniversary's get better with time right? So by this time next year, I hope to be able to say the last time I heard from you was yesterday when you were begging for a birthday wish.

Happy Anniversary to me...screw your birthday.

You Haven't Changed My Life...You Just Wish You Had

Sometimes, the most horrible thing you will ever see is when you truly open your eyes and examine yourself. Realizing that 100% of what you go through is based on 100% of the choices you make is most of the time a reality you don't want to accept.

"In life you must only do two things. You must make choices and you must die. But for every choice you make there is a consequence" Author Unknown

This quote was in my english classroom when I was in 8th grade. It made no sense to me then, but that is the black and white. Fortunately, we get an opportunity to make these choices over and over and over again. Making the same WRONG choice is just what we...hell maybe I...do too often.

I have A LOT of things going on right now. Being pulled every which way, stress weighing down HEAVY-but I've just been looking at in the face trying not to panic and just knowing that God is working it all out. So, being able to hand over the REAL burdens in my life is a great testament to how far I've come. But it has also had me focused on the things I don't ever really bother going to God with.

Relationships.
Sigh.
Listen-I don't pray to God for a man, I don't pray to God for companionship...I don't pray for things like that. Nothing against people who do...but I got real life shyt that I need God to handle for me. This is not a pressing matter in my mind. Everytime I hear somebody telling somebody else to "ask" God for exactly what you want-I think that is completely stupid. However, I realize that I am still working on ME...so I need God to fix ME. I'm not worried about anybody else's fixing. I try to just keep an open mind and not block my own blessings when it comes to these type things. Obviously-I don't have great taste in men. Obviously.

Over and over and over again, I deal with men that are not up what my standard SHOULD be. I'm not ever surprised when they disappoint-I can't even really call it disappointment because it's almost expected. So I have to ask myself, and I haven't been asking myself often enough, WHY EVEN DEAL WITH THESE LAMES??! I don't know...I have a weakness for a great smile, and having the upper hand. The latter, I don't claim lightly-it's just something I've come to realize. It's just the truth. For a long, long time, I said that it is not important to me that a man be on the same level financially, educationally, spiritually etc. As long as he knew who he was and had a goal-I was ok with that. I didn't want to be the type of person that passed up a good man just because he didn't have the greatest job or wasn't in the greatest situation. I guess I always give people the benefit of the doubt to a certain point-but honestly-that needs to stop. I don't talk about how many degrees I have, I don't talk about what's in my bank account, I don't push my religious ideas and morals on somebody else. I used to just listen and decide whether they were passionate about life, in general a good person, and let that just ride. I would always wonder why and how somewhere down the line I started hearing things like "I'm not on your level", "I'm not settled like you", "I don't have it like you" because I would never bring these things up. Well, how in the blue hell did I expect any MAN not taking care of his MANLY business to fare well next to an educated, settled, strong WOMAN?

I am too smart to be this stupid, I swear.

Where is this coming from?

Well, awhile back I met a guy at my favorite hangout. Handsome? OF course...this is what leads me to hand out all the passes in the first place. I think I really am like a dude most of the time. I don't really care what a dude is talking about as long as he's going to give me what I want. I'll smile, nod, and even pretend to be interested...just get me to my happy place and it's all good.

Honesty is ugly sometimes, right?

So, we chit chat and he proceeds to tell me he is married.

This is the part where I should have departed. Nope.
BAD CHOICE #1,999, 999, 999, 834, 829, 123

He said "it's complicated". I told him right THEN that I didn't want to hear about his personal business. Here's the thing-you can tell when a married man is open to other options. IF I EVER got married, there are some things I would never deny my husband and certain ways I would never treat him-because while those women are at home thinking they taught their husband a lesson-there's a woman SOMEWHERE who intends to let their husband's know they don't have to put up with that and are willing to offer the same things. I know, because more than once I've been one of them.

Honesty-you can frown, but it is what it is.

Nothing ever really happened between me and this dude. Mostly, because him and his wife did indeed have a "situation", but he is visible hurt and still in love with his wife. So, most of our conversations were about what she did and how fed up he was. This dude is not a cheater, even though he thinks he is. He's a miserably unhappy person, and I just can not get with that.

So...I believe we had our last conversation on Saturday night. I will just transcribe word for word here.

Him: Hey you
Me: What?
Him: U busy
Me: Watching TV with my guy
Him: Oh ok...so what did ya'll do today
Me: Golfed, swam, rafted...I am exhausted.
Him: LOL that's cool
Him: I'm goin back home soon
Me: To LA?
Him: Yep
Me: Just you?
Him: Yep goin to go file for divorce at the courthouse
Me: Oh. To stay?
Him: Idk yet
Him: If I can get a car and a job I'll stay out here. Its cheap here too expensive back home I can't afford to stay at home
Me: Wow
Him: Her mom is here to visit and we was talkin outside and she told me that I'm a good father and didn't realize I did so much around the house
Him: She can't believe how lazy her daughter is she didn't raise her that way
Me: She acts that way because she can.
Him: Yep and her mom is kinda pissed off but she doesn't want to get involved
Me: Um...she shouldn't. Her daughter is grown.
Him: That's what she said
Him: If I don't do anything around the house it don't get done
Me: So then you do it eventually right? What do you think she's going to do when you are gone?
Him: Her momma has cleaned up more than she has since we moved here and her momma has only been here a week
Him: She has no choice but to do it
Him: She talks to her mom any kinda way
Me: Ok...well then that "I didn't raise her like that" line is bullshit. She tried to show her but didn't MAKE her do anything. I would die is my mom cleaned in MY house.
Me: You think that just started? I doubt it.
Him: Me too
Him: That's why her and my mom don't get along my mom was taking lip from her
Me: Your mom? She talked to YOUR mom crazy??
Him: She tried one day and that day I was about to knock her out
Him: I wish I can file here
Him: Would you miss me if I didn't come back
Me: Um...my life is not going to change if you are here or not. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just saying. It shouldn't matter anyway. You're not happy so you should do what you have to do rectify that.
Him: OK Well would like to c me stay if I was happy
Me: Again. Not life changing. Wouldn't you just like to be happy PERIOD?
Him: U tell it like it is huh?
Me: There isn't any other way. Aren't you tired of bullshit yet?
Him: Yep
Him: How did you get over J.J.
Me: Loaded question...but I wasn't about to stay with someone who didn't care about my well being...I got fed up. I forgave him, accepted responsibility for enabling him to act the way he did, took responsibility for where I was wrong, and moved on with my life. Being miserable is a choice.
Him: Ur rite so I guess you can say I'm the one to blame for allowing this shit to go on
Me: You will drive yourself crazy placing and taking blame. You both have probably been wrong a lot...you wouldn't be where you are now if that weren't true
Him: True
Him: Thank you for the talk


Yes...this crap really happens to me.

Honestly, I don't care who is at fault. Him or his wife-they are miserable people that like to be miserable.

No more married men. I have, unfortunately, said it before-but I'm not quite sure why-being who I am...I'm willing to accept a #2 spot.
Ridiculous.

So...while GOD deals with my real life problems, I think I can handle this on my own. A man is going to have to be in my tax bracket, on my spiritual enrichment plan, and able to comprehend what I do for a living. Why my standards aren't higher...I'm going to stop dwelling on it.

Onward and upward.

If I make it through this week...

Wait...let me thank the Lord NOW for the will, strength, and patience for making it through this week.

Who are you?

WHO ARE YOU?

The one with the lines I've heard
a million times
That might just be a little straighter
than the usual kind.


WHO ARE YOU?

The one with the eyes that smile
behind the stare
The one with eyes that glaze over
in front of the glare.


WHO ARE YOU?

That laugh is so full, but
full of joy?
The happiness so perfect
Or is it a sick ploy??



WHO ARE YOU?

The things you say
all seem right
But are you just talking
Til day turns to night?

WHO ARE YOU?

You know I've heard
this all before
The normal "I'm giving you less
but I'll talk like it's more".

WHO ARE YOU?

I know who I am
Why do you seem surprised?
Is it because I see through
your sorry disguise?

WHO ARE YOU?

Do you honestly think these
things I need to hear??
All this flattery is tired
Your end time is near.

WHO ARE YOU?

Might you actually have
some semblance of sense?
Might you actually be
worthy of MY presence?

WHO ARE YOU?

Do you mean what you say
and say what you mean?
Are you talking, hearing, and
not just being seen?

WHO ARE YOU?

Do you actually KNOW who
you are dealing with?
Is the level I'm on a reality to you
And not just wish?

WHO ARE YOU?

Might you actually be worth
my time and attention??
Might you actually be worth
a first name mention?

WHO ARE YOU?

It seems I have too many
questions to ask
Shouldn't the answers have been
clear in the facts?

WHO ARE YOU?

How come I don't know
who you are?
Upset cause I don't care
that you drive a nice car?

WHO ARE YOU?

Why are the things you focus
on so worthless to me?
Is it possible that you are in
fact worth less than you think?

WHO ARE YOU?

Fooled again by a nice,
big pretty smile?
Doesn't this rejection get
old after awhile??

WHO ARE YOU?

And why did you think
you qualified for ME.
Are you looking for a woman
or girl with mentality equal to 3.

WHO AM I?

Oh, let me answer this
question for you.
The woman with a purpose
with no time for fools.

WHO AM I?

Plain to see, I think-
not hard to read.
You see correctly, the grass
on this side is green.

WHO AM I?

If you have to ask, I'm
not sure I want to tell
You can't handle this brain
Can't comprehend too well

WHO AM I?

Just walk down and wonder
it's for the best.
Dream about the real women
Go play with the rest.

WHO AM I?

A question to be posed when
the following is true:
You can answer when I ask-
WHO ARE YOU??

**SLAP**

I received this in an e-mail today...I can not add or discuss. Still wiping the egg off of my face.

Posted here to slap you in yours!

THE RIGHT ONE
First we must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking. And
second, the decision for a mate must be made on a spiritual and intellectual
basis before it's made on an emotional one."What about love? Shouldn't that be
the third? you ask. No, and I'll tell you why. "The heart is deceitful above all
things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9).The heart is
willful and is driven by its own agenda. It does not consider things rationally
and intelligently it just loves to love! Therefore you have to point it in the
right direction: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well spring of
life" (Proverbs 4:23)!Whenever you meet a man, you need to get clearance from
God, check out his attributes, and then allow your heart to engage.Dating exists
not for mating; it exists for collecting data. I believe that the biblical
design would be friendship, courtship and then marriage.Friendship is two people
walking together in agreement and accountability, learning and growing
together.Courtship follows the mutual agreement to commit to one another
exclusively - it is the decisive turning toward the agreed-upon goal of the
marriage altar. It is a period of laying a foundation and preparing your life
together after marriage.But dating? Well, if you do date, use the time wisely to
gather these facts.1. Check out the fabric. Is the person mate material? Does
this man have an intimate relationship with the Father through Jesus Christ?
Does he care what God thinks about his behavior? Is he accountable to God as
well as another co-laborer in the faith? Accountability is an important factor.
It is imperative to maintaining a committed relationship. Is your potential
spouse a member of the same family - the family of God?You need to have common
interests and values and agree on the essentials of living day to day. You have
a similar spiritual walk. You eat the same spiritual diet. You enjoy a lot of
similar things. You have like interests, like goals in life, like opinions on
basic life issues.You have had like experiences in your background. Though there
is some truth to the idiom that opposites attract, like-minded folks fare better
together.Furthermore, does he want to get married? If you want to be married and
your dreamboat isn't interested, don't waste your time.Remember, women fall in
love and get married. Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note
the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious,
take his words seriously. If he's not going in your direction, get off the bus
and wait for the right one.2. Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The
man who is right for you will pursue you, and God's hand in the relationship
will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends.Scripture says: "He who
finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Proverbs
18:22).Note -who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time,
God has transported men and women across the world in order to put them
together.
At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that man on the scene and
he will find you. In God's perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his
mate. Adam has no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib. You do not
need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don't have to help a guy out
because he's shy!Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly
want. The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in
his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he
is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not
interested.Many a woman's mother has suggested that it is a good idea to marry a
man who loves you more than you love him. As cold as that sounds, it actually
might be scriptural if you stop to think about it: "We love him because he first
loved us" (1 John 4:19). Until then, take the ultimate chill pill. You don't
need a bunch of men in your life to make you feel all right about yourself.You
need only one man - your man, the one God has selected to select you. And trust
me, the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any
time. So trust God's timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit
pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again - WAIT until the man voices his
intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may
have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of
the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you - this is your first act
of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us
first. And they should lead the relationship .3. The man in your life should not
desire to move into your house, only into your heart . A man who prepares for
your future has made his intentions clear. A man who is husband material has the
means to take care of a wife. He is a responsible human being who understands he
needs to have something to offer. In short, a man should have the means to be a
suitable lover for you.4. Check out his buddies. Everyone knows birds of the
same feather flock together, yet most women fail to see the connection between a
man and his friends. A man's pals tell you a lot about the person that you
haven't seen yet. They reveal things about the guy's character that might be
hidden when he is on good behavior. Everyone knows how to put his best foot
forward. Don't stay focused on the foot, check out the rest of the body!5. Check
out his relationship with his mother. How does he treat her? This is your
preview of how he will treat you. There are lots of men who, because of a
negative relationship with their mothers, really don't like women, yet say they
do. Unresolved issues between mother and son continue between husband and
wife.6. Remember that a man's family reveals the cloth from which he's cut. Take
note and decide whether you want your future with the man in your life to look
like his present family situation.7. Check out the patterns of his life. Do you
see repeated cycles of drama in his personal kingdom? Broken relationships?
Problems in making commitments --including the job market? Mood swings? Is a
problem always someone else's fault? Does he embrace responsibility or shirk it?
Does he keep his promises? Is he a man of good reputation? Remember all garments
look wonderful hanging in the store, but with wear, some begin to unravel. Give
yourself time and space to check out the man in your life. Time will always
reveal whether or not he is made of the right stuff.8. Does this man have a
vision for his life? Is he running with that vision? Remember, God decided Adam
needed help once Adam got busy DOING his assignment. As we saw Adam, a man
doesn't need help until he is busy doing what he was created and called to do.
Is the man in your life guided by sense of destiny and purpose, or does he just
allow life to happen around him? A man who is not certain of his mission can be
a most miserable person - and you'll be miserable too if you know where YOU want
to go in life.A man who has vision is not intimidated by a woman whose mission
statement is clear. He will be your best ally, cheerleader and assistant because
he wants you both to make it! A man who cannot be supportive of your
achievements because he is floundering in a sea of uncertainty over his own life
is not a healthy partner to have and to hold forever.Creating dependencies or
feelings of obligation is not the way to get the best out of your man. Somewhere
along the way, he will resent you and flee from the smothering burden of
obligation he associates you with. You want a man who is firmly anchored in his
identity in Christ. Remember, we are looking for a man who will be priest and
leader of his home. His first instinct should be to want to cover you, redeem
you, and provide for you. Your job is to decide if this is the man God has
ordained for you to complement.9. Complimentary. Do your talents and gifts
complement his? Do his gifts, compliment yours? What about your temperaments? Do
you see the two of you as an effective team capable of bringing blessing to the
lives of those around you? Do your futures mesh? Can you coordinate your gifts
in an attractive and effective way?This is why knowing your purpose is so
important. Make sure your hearts beat for mutual causes. When I go shopping I
always consider the fabric, the fit and what I already have in my closet. Will
my next purchase be a complimentary addition to what I already have? If I find
that I am going to have to buy shoes and matching accessories to go with a new
outfit, I leave it right on the rack. It is too expensive a proposition. If the
man you meet makes you feel that you need to completely reinvent yourself,
something is wrong.This is where I ask you to consider the relationship in terms
of cost. Is this relationship expensive spiritually, emotional or physically?
Does your longing for a mate make you willing to forfeit who you are in the
process? Or does he see you as the gift that you are? The man in your life
should consider you a rare find, a priceless jewel-because of you he is getting
ready to get blessed big-time! Any relationship that causes you to feel
unworthy, unlovely, unacceptable, undesirable or that you have to work for love,
is too expensive!God has called the man to cover, protect and provide not only
materially for a woman, but emotionally and spiritually as well. You should be
richer in mind, body and spirit for your union with the man of your dreams. The
man in your life should make rich deposits into your heart and spirit, not
withdrawals .10. Does he have a healthy love and acceptance of himself? Make
sure the man in your life has taken time to heal from past relationships and has
made peace with himself. How he cares for himself is how he will care for you. A
man's relationship with God is crucial here. His love for himself will only be
as strong as his love for God. This is not something that you can impart. You
cannot be his savior or teacher. That is out of spiritual order. In his rightful
place as your personal priest, he should be leading you to a richer relationship
with Christ.If he is causing you to compromise your faith and destabilize your
walk, if he is leading you into sexual sin or causing you to be distracted from
your commitment to God, the relationship is too expensive. Offending the Lover
of your soul, who promises you eternal love, is too high a fare to pay for a
ride that has a limited run. If you and your man can't soar in the Spirit, when
the force of your love for another is tested by the pull or gravity of the
world, your union will not be able to survive.So you decide. How much is your
life worth? How much is your love worth? You will be able to accept only what
you believe you deserve. God himself calculated the worth of your love and
decided it was worth His life. He now pledges you His love for eternity. Yes,
Jesus sets the example for all others to follow when He paid a ransom for His
bride. Should you expect less from a mortal man? Throughout the Biblical age,
men were willing to pay the cost for what they truly desired. The truth of the
matter is everyone knows that anything worth having, costs and no one gets a
ride in this life for free.Our prayer:Dear Heavenly Father God,I confess that I
have not always been as careful as I should've been with my heart. From time to
time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my heart in the wrong hands. I
now commit my heart into Your hands for safekeeping. Please help me to stop
being so impulsive with what you deem so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your
love for me, let me learn from Your example what a bridegroom should really be
like. Help me to never settle for less than what you desire for me. As I embrace
You as the Lover of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart.
As I rest in Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach
me.
I ask that You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You
know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from
all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me
to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize
him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to typecast the men I
meet according to what I see. Help me to trust in Your knowledge and lean not on
my own understanding. I know that you know what is best for me; therefore I
yield to Your choice. In Jesus' Name. Amen.Ladies this is something you should
definitely share with a friend, whether you are single or married... It is
something to think about, when you ask is "He" the one!

Settling is for Pilgrims

Undoubtedly, I have been emotionally drained with the events in my personal life as of late. This break up has taken more out of me than I'd like to admit. I'm not sure that it gets easier, I believe it is just that in hindsight more things become clear to me which pave the way to me attaining the highest levels of pissed off-ness when I realize the bull crap I settled for.

Now, one of the things that I discussed in one of my earlier posts was how I basically crossed some folks off of my friends list because they happened to be ex-boyfriends and my then BOYfriend was not comfortable with those friendships. Some of them, I do honestly feel bad about not talking to them anymore. And their level of friendship to ME has been apparent in the way they have supported me and been there for me during this time AS friends.

So I thought.

I mean yes, there are friendships there. But I have learned a couple things about them and about me.

First of all, I was an asshole. I mean straight up-no holds barred, surprised I didn't get slapped-ASSHOLE. I've had to lay down some real deal apologies for the way I used to be. Although I don't want to...let me just lay out some transcripts of chat/text. I'll explain the context later.


Him: You said you were not ever going to get married. What happened?
Me: Things change. I fell in love.
Him: There wasn't love between us?
Me: Are you serious? I mean, it was completely physical. Don't play
Him: Physical to who?
Me: What else did we do?
Him: Who's choice was that?
Me: Are we really playing this game right now? I shouldn't have asked you anything
Him: I just don't understand you right now. This is not the Monica I know. When did you start letting a n!gg@ bring you down and get the best of you. That's not the Monica I know. Get your head up
Me: This is different for me too. But thank you for your encouragement
Him: You never needed encouragement before! Just cause your dram n!gg@ turned out to be a BITCH n!gg@ doesn't mean you should feel bad. His ass is stupid. You didn't do anything wrong.
Me: Really? Cause I think I'm the one alone and he's the one living it up with some married chick.
Him: I don't even know that dude, but I can tell you you were too much for him to handle. N!gg@s got faithful problems. You are a confident woman and can't nobody tell you shit. That's hard for a simple ass mind to handle. You are not the jealous type, you don't trip about hardly nothing, and you don't need nobody for shit. Some people like to feel needed. You don't believe in that. Don't you say all the time, it's not healthy to need somebody?
Me: Yep.
Him: Ok then. All the chicks you showed me that he dealt with and even this new chick-you can look at them and tell they got insecurity issues. So a n!gg@ with faithful problems and a ho with insecurity issues. Perfect match. He ain't for you. Don't know what to do with you. Probably not that many men do. Shit, I didn't.
Me: Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Him: Being with him going to make you feel better.
Me: Not at all. I love him, but I have supported that man like I already WAS his wife, he wants somebody else's wife
Him: OK then.
Him: You loved him?
Me: No I love him. That's not going to change over night. I just know what I won't accept. How many times do you have to get cheated on before you get tired of it? Hell, I'm tired of it! I know I've forgiven a lot worse than this-but I won't settle for that crap ever again.
Him: So you'll never take him back
Me: Not the way he is now, no.
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Everybody and Anybody can change. He wants to get his life right, I respect that.
Him: You think I have changed?
Me: I think you could change if you wanted to
Him: So I haven't changed?
Me: have you?
Him: In some ways. One thing hasnt changed
Him: I still love you
Him: Hello?
Me: yeah
Him: You don't have anything to say?
Me: Um...no.
Him: So there's no feelings between us
Me: I told you, I felt bad for just ignoring you. I mean, we are friends right?
Him: You never saw a future for us?
Me: Are you serious right now?
Him: Yes
Me: Honestly, No. We both did what we wanted to do. You STILL do what you want to do. That's fine. That's what you do. That's what you've always done.
Him: You are something else
Me: So I've been told
Him: No for real. your an asshole
Me: WOW. Takes a great one to know a good one
Him: I'm being serious
Him: You sitting up crying over some bitch ass who couldn't appreciate a good woman and isn't man enough to handle a woman willing to support his sorry ass while he tried to make something of himself. You sit up here and tell me that he's changing his life and if he does that you would take him back. But I got to be the same n!gga@ I always been? I always loved you. I always will. I didn't propose to you because I thought that shit was fun. I wanted to marry you. I can provide a fuckin life for you. I can support YOU. I want to give you everything you want. and how many times did I propose. You never thought I was serious.
Me: The first time you "proposed" your ass was married. The second time...you were drunk
Him: I ain't never been that fuckin drunk. What about the other times
Me: What other times?
Him: you serious?
Me: Are you? How did we even get here? I'm not trying to rehash this out with you. It was what it WAS. Nothing more, maybe less!
Him: So you didn't love me
Me: Um...in a dysfunctional kind of way I did.
Him: Wow
Me: How did you figure you wanted to marry me? You don't know shit about me, really. I mean let's be real since you want to get nasty about it.
Him: I do know about you. Because I cared enough to pay attention. If I asked you you always aid you know I don't like to be questioned right. you remember that
Me: Um...well, sounds like something I would say.
Him: And how many times were we at a masonic function and I'd try to talk to you in front of your dad and the other pm's and all them after I had told them about my girl and you walked right past me like you didnt know me. thats some fucked up shit Monica for real
Me: I was not ever your girlfriend.
Him: That's what you say
Me: Um, okay
Me: How many other girlfriends did you have?
Him: We always have to come back to that shit huh?
Me: That's how it was
Him: When I left it was
Me: Ok
Him: What about when I left. Did you ask me to stay? NO you told me it was better so you could move on. But I guess what we had was just physical to you right?
Me: Well, it sounds ugly when you say it like that-but don't pretend that's not what it was
Him: That's what it was to you, I'd take you any way I could get you
Me: That's stupid
Him: Why?
Me: Why would you take what you could get and not ask for what you wanted?
Him: Oh I'm stupid but that's the same shit you been doing for all these years with this little bitch ass running after a dream and not doing shit for you
Me: He's not running after a dream, he will make it
Him: You STILL taking up for this punk
Me: Um-seriously does he have to be all those names. I'm not happy with him...but it doesn't mean I believe in what he's doing any less. I'm not sorry for what I did for him because I did it because I love him and didn't expect nor will I ever expect anything in return. However, lying to me and cheating on me is not something I will ever again be ok with. It doesn't make him a bad person, he messed up. I will forgive him-I just don't right now and that forgiveness doesn't mean I'll take him back.
Him: You forgive him and you still supporting his ass but he ain't thinking about you. If he cared he couldn't have done this shit to you
Me: Ok, that's what you believe that's fine
Him: And how come I can't have a chance like that?
Me: We just weren't like that
Him: Why can't we be?
Me: what?
Him: I never did anything like that to you. Why can't I have a second chance.
Me: You want a second chance?
Him: Yes
Me: Are you serious right now?
Him: Why not? I don't want you to hurt.
Me: You gonna love me out of the hurt?
Him: I want to try
Me: Um...I hope you are kidding. I hope you are not serious right now
Him: why?
Me: I have told you, been telling you that YES I am hurt-but I love that man! It's not going to go away over night! I'm not sitting around waiting for him, but I do not play with people's emotions like that. Why would I move on with you? And WHY would you accept that
Him: If I could have you, I don't care
Me: Listen, I am not, nor should any person EVER be special enough for you to settle for some bullshit.
Him: You settled with him
Me: EXACTLY! See how that turned out?!
Him: So?


And I will end it there. I copied and pasted this right from my archive...just substituting the "him" and "me". This conversation left me dumbfounded. I mean REALLY.

First of all...it's not a nice feeling for somebody to point out how ugly you have acted. I'm not proud that I basically used somebody for his body. I'm also not real fond of the fact that he felt a certain way, and for all these years I had convinced myself it was only physical to find out that that was my choice and my doing. We had had other conversations where things like this came out-and I had to really apologize for hurting him. I mean, I knew how to play the game. Now, I really did care about him and at some point maybe thought I wanted more, but based on how the relationship started (he was going through a divorce...but still married in my book) I never felt like I could trust him. Hmmm...sounds like a familiar situation in somebody ELSE'S life, eh?

The part that really puzzles me was the idea that now was a good time for us to try to get together? Now, this man has laid down some good thoughts for me on why Anthony has done what he has done...and I'm not stupid...I know he's not an impartial source, but he knows more about me and how I am. A lot of the things he has said have made sense to me, and I know that he's probably not 100% correct, but it has given me some things to think about. This is a well put together man with an established career, doing very well for himself. So why on EARTH would you put yourself into a situation where you already know the other person is not in it?

Because you love them.

All those guilty? AYE!

I realize this is the SAME thing I did with A/S. When we got back together, he was just getting out of a relationship. And I kept telling him over and over again, you are NOT over her. I knew he didn't want to get back with her, but I kept telling him he needed to resolve that anger or it would stay with him until he started recognizing things about other people that DON'T exist just because he had not resolved those feelings.

I guess if I was simple, I would be flattered. I'm not.

People do that because they are selfish. Because they want somebody to love them when they can't love themself because they think it will help them come around. NOBODY loves me like I love me. NOBODY deserves MY love more than me.

I love him and what he did hurts. ABSOLUTELY. But I am so much more than just somebody's girlfriend/future wife. One time he told me he felt like he was stopping me from doing what I wanted to do, then it was I had already done everything I wanted to do. And I corrected him everytime. Nobody can stop me but ME, and even when I've done what I wanted to do...I still have plans to move onward and upward!!

Why do people settle? Because they want to. More and more that seems to be the answer to many of lifes questions. We all want what we want, but it seems we are scared to go after what we deserve.

I think that man is a phenomenal man. I think he knows a lot more than I ever gave him credit for, and I have a lot to learn from him now that I have opened my eyes to see him for who he really is and what he has to offer. But all that I can offer him is friendship and he honestly shouldn't be willing to settle for less than he deserves.

Selfishly, I could take his affection and companionship to make myself feel better. People do it all the time, but that is SO not me. The day I start needing somebody else besides JESUS to help me feel better, is the day I need to stand in the mirror a moment longer and figure out what to do with myself, for myself, and about myself.

Settling is for pilgrims.

The only pilgrimage anybody should take is the journey to find a better self. That settlement should be alone.

Settling is for pilgrims.

So for all the people coming with covered wagons full of issues and past hurt...I'll have to wave them on to a different land.

I'm not a pilgrim.
No more settling.

Never Again...

You know, my personal motto is to EVERYDAY be better than I was the day before. So instead of being pissed, sad, or overly emotional-I guess I'm going to have to take this situation and be thankful for all the things I continue to learn about myself. Deeper understanding can only lead to better things, right?

So, I've stopped trying to understand his actions. I've stopped trying to NOT be mad at him. I've stopped trying to still give him some kind of credit for the man I thought he was. That man would still be with me. So, I've had some time to think about the things that I won't do again. EVER.

I admit that in my past-I haven't had a lot of definitive relationships that people would deem normal. The relationship consisted of me getting what I wanted and that's it. I had no problem with that. I had no use for having to answer to anybody, for having to spend unreasonable amounts of time with anybody, for trying to make it more than it was. I had no desire to be called before 10 pm. I had no desire to hang out with friends and family. My only desire was to be left alone and then available when I requested. Now along with this, I gave up little to NO information about myself. For what? I wasn't trying to make any meaningful connections. Now listen, I know you may read this in complete amazement at how trifling I was. YES TRIFLING. Nobody can tell you better about the things I have done than me, and I never intend to be anything but real ABOUT ME. I hated being questioned. I hated having to pretend to care about somebody else's life-because I had enough going on on my own.

I wouldn't even call the relationship with my son's father anything close to functional. I know that people looked at me and thought I was being so silly. That he was doing what he wanted to do and I was turning away from the truth. No...for the people that really know me, they know the truth IS that we were the same. To this day, you could never get him to believe that. You could never tell him that even TODAY I don't still think the sun rises and sets in him. I just didn't get caught. Yes, for periods of time I was faithful. But everytime he cheated on me, he got cheated on. I just never got caught. I never expected to get pregnant, but when I did I think he thought he was ready for a child and marriage. And coming from a home where my parents are STILL married, I figured the right thing to do was to get married for the child's sake. The only thing that you could definitely say about the relationship is that it was dysfunctional and lasted for a long period of time. It wasn't a good situation for me. I lost a lot of things, but the best thing I learned was what I would NEVER settle for. I don't have any hard feelings towards him, because I always kind of felt like whatever I got-somehow I deserved it. The best thing I ever did was walk away from that relationship-and somehow he still hates me for that today, and even more for the fact that I don't care. Now the stupidity after I left him-well that's for another day. :-)

So anyway, when you have "acquaintances" like I did, it's not like you ever officially break anything off. I mean, these men were trained to not call me in the first place. After time went on, yes they would check in from time to time. They might get me to go out to dinner. And in a couple cases, I thought I might actually want to spend more time so there was more interaction. Telling me that they "Loved me", or I was "the kind of woman I could settle down with" was a surefire one way ticket to get your contact info changed to "Do Not Answer #x" and should I ever see that person on the street they might get a handshake and a hello. THAT WAS IT.

None of these men ever spent any real time with my son. On a few occasions I MAY have let them come to my house, but there were other people around. It was never a "just the 3 of us" situation. Now, I started to realize that my undeniable devotion and love for my son led some to think that I really did have feelings for them but I was "scared" or trying to be hard, or didn't want to get hurt. Whatever...come around when I need you-that's all I cared about.

For the ones that I did happen TO care about, there often was a situation where I knew they had another girl, whatever. In hindsight, I realize you get what you put forth. So that shadiness, the seemingly lack of ability to have one woman-I never got mad about it. I didn't care. They were looking at a mirror image in me and just didn't know it. See, I have always known that I look very innocent. And my sarcasm in telling the truth was only taken as sarcasm. I never told anybody they were my "boyfriend", or they were the only one I was dealing with-that assumption was a self made assumption that I never cosigned for. All men assumed that my schedule would only allow for maybe one man. They let the 3 times a week in church, constant running around for my son's sports, constant meetings and trips for my professional organizations and work commitments would make it impossible for me to have time for anybody else since I seldom had time for them. Conversations would be like "I hardly ever see or talk to you, if I didn't know any better I'd think you had another man" and my reply would be "Well, I don't have a man. But you hardly ever see me cause I have to make time for the other 3 or 5 negroes I got on my roster". Those comments would be laughed off. It would be assumed that I was being sarcastic.

And I hardly EVER let them come to my house. When they did, they had to come well after my son was sleep and leave right after the business was adjourned. Did none of them ever think it was strange that they had and still have NEVER seen my house? Did they not think it strange that they would come in the kitchen, go downstairs to the bedroom and leave out the same way. It was acceptable to make a pit stop in the bathroom, but shower? NO. Drinks? NO-there's a 7 eleven down the street? Dinner? PLEASE.

So to me, how is it that you could deduce that I was the type of woman you could fall in LOVE with? How could you know you wanted to settle down with me, when real talk-you were getting pimped in the WORST way. And when I really had to break it down for some of them...well-that's why most men I deal with don't talk to me now. I'm fine with that.

I am not proud of the way I handled my personal life. I am not proud of the way that I played with people's emotions. My decision to stop doing this came long before I decided to get serious with Anthony. I had really stopped dealing with everybody. IF they should happen to text, I just didn't answer. No harm no foul.

So, when Anthony and I got back together, we shared alot about our lives. Only this time, it was about the time we had not been together. And actually-in that time-I had really kind of slowed down on being like that. In the year and a half that we were not together, I really only dealt with one person on a more serious level-but nothing major. So, this behavior had gotten old to me somewhere in my mid twenties. I told Anthony everything about how I used to be. For me, I was showing him that I wasn't sneaky anymore. I had no need for that. That vindictive "You got me, but I'll get you one better" was gone. In the process, I actually did hurt a lot of good men and I'm not proud of that at all.

So in Anthony's insecurity-he really had a problem with me dealing with any ex-boyfriend. I think by now we all know his reasons why. I never really cared that he dealt with his ex-girlfriends UNLESS I felt like there was something unresolved. Talk about going with your damn gut! So then, I started being like him, telling him to stop dealing with these chicks that weren't over him. SO NOT ME.

SO-never again will I put myself in a situation where I start acting out of MY character. WE all have exes in our life, and if you spent any amount of time with them and you are both over it-there is no reason you can not be friends. I have never asked an ex boyfriend to stop dealing with an EX. But at the same time, I know NOW that if you have that feeling that unresolved feelings are there-that's between those two people still having some sort of emotional connection. And if you have an emotional connection to someone else-how can you be 100% connected to me. Emotional Promiscuity-UNACCEPTABLE. I know now that that connection should have been resolved BEFORE I came around.

Along with that, I have some exes, people I dealt with, whatever-that are actually good friends to me. I stopped talking to all of them. Stopped having any kind of reasonable communication so that Anthony could feel better about his insecurities. But-I'm not like him! I made it plain and clear to these men that we were done. And the stupid thing is-that these men are all intelligent, respectable men that didn't overstep once I made things plain. Did some overstep? YES, but I explained to Anthony that is on ME. Because in the past, I might have been dealing with somebody-but that didn't mean I wouldn't deal with them too. So it wasn't on them, it was on me but I corrected the situation. It shouldn't have been an issue after that. For most of my 30 years if people didn't know anything else about me, they know I can't stand bullshit. So why I accepted this from him...well I know why-because I love him, but really-I have never backed down from anything or anyone before, so why I started with him, not sure. Never again.

Everything I did to show him that I was really there-he just used it as his own fuel to tell himself I wasn't trustworthy. What I'm thankful for is that my friends, real friends, see the change in me and that should have been enough for me to know that it wasn't ME it was him. So to my friends, I feel like I owe an apology because it's basically like I was telling you "Thanks for noticing but you don't matter" because it was HIM that I wanted to see it.

I am so much smarter than I have been. It is true you can't help who you love. It is true that you do stupid things for love.

I worked hard for that relationship, and I don't regret a thing. I did everything I could and I damn sure gave everything I have. Anything worth having will take work, and I worked and fought for a life I thought we would share together.

But never again will I let someone else's insecurity define who I am or the things that I do.

Take it or leave it.

And I'm just finally realizing that if you leave it, I'll be okay. Because everything I worked for, everything I am, everything I have is still mine. You left-but you didn't take it.

And in all the hurt, I allowed him to make me feel like I have nothing left.

Never again.

Side Piece?

I realize that constantly trying to make sense of this situation makes no sense. I'm not a person without logic or reason, but I am human and contrary to popular belief I do have feelings. :-)

So, talking to a male friend last night he made a good point-was I the girlfriend or side piece? See, I'd like to think that being in touch with his family-sending flowers, Christmas baskets, and being taken to socialize with siblings and such would make me the girlfriend, but maybe not.

Now I understand the sideways looks of his friends, the uncomfortable side glances, and the questions. It used to bother me that his friends were always trying to say something shocking about him to me and I would tell them we didn't have any secrets from each other-and they would chuckle and exchange glances.

I witnessed them non-chalantly trying to expose another one of their friends while he was there with another girl. How come I didn't get it? I mean really!

I have been really trying not to get so mad that I completely erase him from my life. It's painful. I love him. But I wonder if he showed me the person he really was when we were together or in the end? Another question I know can never be answered. I know it's unfair to say that he never loved me if he treated me like this-but how can I feel like his feelings were genuine when it seems clear to me day to day that the relationship I was in is NOT the relationship he was in.

And although I want to keep the door open for him, I just can't. If he ever truly wanted to let go of these games he plays-if he ever truly wanted to be the man I know or thought he could be-if he ever truly wanted to change-then maybe I could open the door. But for now-it must be closed.

I can't help wondering what else I was supposed to do. I want to tell myself and I want to hear when people tell me I did more than I should-but if that is really true-would I be here?

Over and over again he would tell me that he had no idea why I even wanted to be with someone like him who was doing nothing with his life. Over and over he wondered why I saw what I saw in him. Over and over he told me that I was such a great person, that I was everything that he could ever want but he didn't know why he deserved me. Does he believe that? Does he believe that he did not deserve me and then go find someone he thought he did?? Or does he truly think I don't deserve him? Am I truly not the one he wanted, so he said what he said to try to make me feel better about myself?

I'm proud of myself for the way I've changed, the way I've grown up, for loving somebody with everything I have and showing to them that nothing was ever too big, nothing was ever too hard-that I would be steadfast by his side no matter what. He walked away...AGAIN.

So, I could wonder if I was the side piece or the girlfriend.

I could wonder what I did wrong.

I could be mad at him for lying and cheating on me.

Instead, I will hold on to that love that I had for him. Pure, unconditional, without limits, without boundaries...and know that I gave that to him. Know that I gave him everything I had, and if it wasn't enough for him-then it just wasn't enough.

I'm not sorry for loving him. I'm not sorry for giving myself completely. I'll never be sorry for the time we did have.

I'll always be thankful for his love. I'll always be thankful for the things he taught me about myself. I'll always be glad that I opened up my heart. I will remember him for the person I thought he was. I will never stop hoping that is the man he can be. I will never stop praying that he conquers every dream he ever had and becomes the star I know he is.

I will not try to understand the man that he showed me, because that is not the man I loved. And if that is the man that he is, I pray he doesn't give up on being the man he wants to be.

In reality, I could not be his girlfriend, She can not be his girlfriend...nobody can be anything. Because the first love he needs to find is that unconditional love for himself.

So while I love him, while I'm sad to have lost him...I have to love me more than that.

It's not getting easier. I don't feel any better-I just know that this is the reality.

It doesn't matter where I stood...

All that matters is that I stand.

I'm standing.

I'm living.

I will be okay.

If I had never loved him-I would not have known I was capable.
I'll take that.

Mad Enough

Again, I'm back at a place where everyday is just a day. I find it hard to look forward to almost anything except for the end of the day-because that means I will have made it one more day.

I hate this empty feeling. I hate feeling like I have nothing and wondering if he has anything. I hate not believing what he said because I've never not believed him before. Looking back, there were little inconsistencies-little things that should have jumped out in my face-but because I loved him and trusted him-I turned away from it. I hate feeling like he walked away from me to walk to somebody else. I hate feeling like everything I have done is for nothing, because he didn't want what I had to offer anyway.

In my life, there have been many people that I found that I had no use for. And usually, it was about me being mad enough about whatever they did to me that made me leave them alone and erase them from my life completely. And through this process, I have been telling myself that he doesn't deserve that. I've been telling myself that I can't do that to him. And after that, I'm still alone, still hurt, still completely broken...so why am I holding on?

I have nothing to hold on to. I feel so betrayed, so stupid. What was the point of planning your life with me all these months? What was the point of putting me through all of this? What was the point? I want to believe that he does love me-but that doesn't come without knowing that I think he is falling in love with her. I don't believe for a second he is by himself-I believe he moved what was hard out of his way and now he wants to have fun and talk and plan his life with her. Wherever it's going to go.

As much as it hurts me, and as much as I have tried to control it. I am mad enough. I am mad enough to know that the person he is right now? I have no need for that person. I did not lie to him, I did not betray him, I never did anything to intentionally hurt him and he has been living his life like this all along trying to get close to her and making me feel bad about who I am. I have no time for that. I don't deserve that.

I just wanted him to be happy. I wanted things to happen in his life. I wanted to provide the support he needed in order to be able to do what he needed to do.

I am mad. And mad enough.

I have to let him go. As much as it hurts me, as much as it scares me-there is nothing he can do for me if it wasn't important enough for him to protect my heart the way I protected his.

He is a liar.

He is a cheater.

He is a person that is lost and confused and needs to find himself.

It hurts me to write those things-because I see so much more in him.

He is somebody that has moved himself into my past. I just need to find the strength to keep him there.

I believe people can change. I believe people can get better. I KNOW that what he has to offer right now, is nothing that I need.

I never thought I could love somebody the way I love him. I never thought I could commit myself to someone the way I committed to him. I never thought my life was going to have to go on without him. I never thought he was capable of this kind of deception. I never thought that he would be the person to completely break my heart so wide open that all I can do is carry it this way because I don't have the strength, energy, maybe the courage to put it back together again.

And although I love him, although I miss him, although I want him more than anything-I realize that the Anthony I thought I was loving is not the person I thought he was at all.

I'm mad enough to let go.

Now I just have to get strong enough to move on.

The Things I Wonder About...

After writing the story yesterday, I was overwhelmed by the amount of love and support from all of my friends. Every word, every note, every e-mail-they all help me, they all encourage me, and if nothing else-they all help me to know that who I thought I have become IS who I am.

I had a long conversation with a very good friend of mine who told me that she could say what everybody else is saying-but she had been through this and wanted me to know the things she learned. It gave me a lot of insight into my own situation. I can't say that it necessarily made me feel better-but it just made a lot of things make sense. And I haven't been able to make heads or tails of much of this.

Basically-my story, my feelings were a run down of something she had been through previously in her life. And of course she can't tell me 100% how Anthony is feeling or the motivation for his actions-but it did help.

One of the disagreements Anthony and I had last week when he was here was regarding how he is covered on my health insurance. Out of nowhere he says "You know that thing you're doing with your insurance is illegal, right?" I was like WHAT!! I had no idea what he was talking about. See-I often forgot that I have worked in an office setting basically since I was in college. I know the common-ness of situations like this. The way I went about mine was just different. Our situation allowed me to do this. I'm NOT stupid. Now, for those of that see this all the time-you, like I, probably don't see the big deal here. So Anthony says "I saw my Dr. and asked him about it and he said it didn't sound right to him". I was a little irritated. I mean, first of all, Anthony requested that I do this for him. It was something I told him I could do if he thought it was a good idea and I had no problem doing it. To me, health insurance is one of those things that you don't think about until a $5000 hospital bill is looking you in the face or you can't afford some prescription. I was also irritated because I thought, why would a DOCTOR make an analysis like that not knowing where I work, what my company policies are, or who I am. I thought it was so silly. Then when talking to my friend she made it plain for me. He didn't talk to his DOCTOR. There is somebody in his ear, who doesn't want him to be with me for whatever reason, and that's what SOMEBODY said. Makes sense. Doesn't even make sense that a doctor would say that, but this person probably already outlined for him that I would get upset that he questioned me. What do I have to gain by providing somebody health benefits? He saw all the paperwork and he knew about it every step of the way since I completed the task at his request. So, there were some major outside influences at work here. I can't say for sure what all of them are-but I realize that not only did my actions have to make sense to him-I was being put up against a jury of people that don't care about Anthony-they care about what Anthony can do for them and concentrate on hating on the things in his life they wish they had OR finding a way to get to the place in his life where they want to be.

Makes sense that we had made plans, had a plan in motion for HIS life mostly and then somewhere between the time he now claims he was getting "close" to her, all those plans started to fall apart. We had graduated from "let me fail and then help me" to "I see what you are trying to do and how this makes sense for me" and then back to "Let me fail and then help me". Now it makes sense.

I just really wonder where he thinks their relationship is going to go. I don't think she is a bad person, I don't know much about her. But I do know that he told me that she is separated from her husband and living at home with her mother. I don't ever fault anybody for that. I too had to get MYSELF together at one time and move back home. The difference is, I left the relationship FOR GOOD. I was working on getting out on MY OWN. Moving on with MY LIFE. Now had I been married, if I wasn't trying to see what happened, I would assume that as soon as I left-paperwork would have been filed. And through everything he has put me through, it kills me to know that I'm looking at his situation from the outside in KNOWING he is about to get his heart broken again. I don't want that for him. Part of me thinks that's what he gets for being stupid...but I can't stay mad at him for long.

Then I remembered something she said on the tape. "As long as we have good communication between us about EVERYTHING, and you know...no outside influences"
Yes Courtney, because you realize that he can be influenced by OUTSIDE influences...because that's what you've been.

Don't take this as me having hard feelings towards her-I have no idea what her intentions are. But based on her actions-I know that her intention is not to be divorced. If he can't see that-that's on him. I have no right to speak on it.

So, I was watching The Bachelor last night and basically the girl he picked got screwed over in the end. But her words punched me in the face:
"Why did you put a ring on my finger? Why did you propose to me? You wanted the relationship and as soon as things were different you got scared and you don't want to fight for me. You don't want to fight to see if this will work. You just get scared and run away to somebody else."

And then when she was away from him, she said she wasn't mad-just hurt. That she wished he had wanted to fight for her. That she wished he wanted to try. She said that it must be her. Must be something about her. And as much as I wanted to be able to look at her and think, no that's not true. I'd be a hypocrite because that's how I feel.

I laid in bed for a long time thinking maybe I should not have told so many people what really happened. And I keep going back and forth thinking his own words were that he was going to stop running from the truth. But do I have the right to make him stand up to his own truth. Am I judging him? Am I being unfair?

So badly I want to know if he actually did what he said. Did he tell her he's not trying to be with anybody? Does he really want to still have me in his life, or did that just sound good? Is he really just being by himself so he can get closer to God? Because after I saw him with her-I don't believe that at all. I believe that he got me out of the way, felt bad about it-but then realized that maybe she's the one for him. And I wonder if he told her everything he told me and if she was more understanding, does that mean to him that she's better for him because she didn't get mad and not want to talk to him? Because in my head, she doesn't have a right to get mad at him for being with somebody-but to him does that mean that she's more accepting of who he is?

No matter how I think about this-I can't get it to sit right with me. I'm not better, but I feel like I can't let myself get any worse. I read past blogs from last August where I was going through the same thing-but I had hope then. I hadn't been lied to and cheated on. I feel guilty now for how much I pray because I should have never pulled away from God and I'm so sorry for that. I mean I still prayed...but I was praying for him and God was showing me the truth, I just didn't believe it or want to see it.

I don't know what's going to happen between us. I don't know what's going to happen for me. And honestly, I just don't have the energy to wonder. I'm just existing. Trying to do what I can to keep my mind clear and the tears from falling from my eyes, because I don't want to be bothered with people asking what is wrong with me.

I wonder if I would ever forgive him. I wonder if he would ever even want me back. I wonder if it would be the dumbest thing in the world to take him back. I wonder if he hurts at all. I wonder if he cares. I wonder if loving him like this will ever stop hurting me. I wonder why he didn't want to fight for me. I wonder if I can ever forgive him. I wonder if I can ever stop blaming myself.

I just want a piece of some peace.

I'm trying not to let this situation take my happiness, my joy, my peace but it has slipped right through my fingers.

Today I'm still hurt.

Today I'm still sad.


But today, I am mad. And I wonder if that means anything to him at all.

It's Okay

For all the times I've been hurt
All the things I've been through
I never wanted to be where I now stand
Inflicting pain and hurt on you.

I know what it's like to be used
to be taken for what I do and don't have
to be left without a fleeting thought
fo feel like I'm only good for what I give

I know how it feels when they all laugh and live
to feel like the world is passing me by
Trying to figure out where I fit in to it all
Wondering when I lost control of my life

I gave over and over to prove who I was
To somehow give "THINGS" as a symbol of love
to hopefully show my love in real magnitude
to hopefully be able to show who I was

And all that I gave is ALL that I lost
And it seemed I could get nothing back
While they got to enjoy what I gave
And on me? They turned their backs

My misery seemed to amuse them
my suffering seemed to be a mockery
and all that I gave of me-thrown right away
And it seemed the only person I had was me

So I turned my back on everybody
They turned their backs on me!
I had a right to be mad at all of them
Look what they did to me!

Nobody appreciated who I was
Nobody saw what I tried to do
And now, in my worst realization-
I've been "them" to you.

The anger helped me in the moment
But that didn't last for long
It shielded the most important thing
"They" didn't get me. I am strong.

So when I was down to nothing
I had to show myself who I was
I had to embrace all of those good things
Realize what I was really made of

And now you are reduced to that loneliness
To the emptiness where there should be life
And I have added to that pain
that rips through your soul like ice.

I too, once gave up on people
because they did nothing at all for me
because they took all I had to offer
And when I needed them, I only had me

Then I lashed out at them
They deserved to feel my wrath
They needed to know how much I gave of me
I wanted them to give SOMETHING back.

Some basically laughed right in my face
Scoffed and called it overreacting
They showed me what my need for them was
They didn't deserve anymore-ANYTHING-not from me.

Some had no idea of the anger I had inside
Seemed surprised I even had emotion so strong
Some declared they didn't ask for what I did
Accepted all of it-but now acted like I was wrong.

And then, a few TRUE friends, who listened to my rage
Offered an honest and sincere apology
Who honestly felt bad for taking me for granted
But promised to try to give back equally

You see-I know what it's like to be surrounded
But stand in the midst all alone
To look around and watch others move on
To stand-because I'm stuck in a hole.

I have held "them" in the back of my head
And tried to give you that same love-all of my heart
But all that I tried to give means nothing now
I tried. I failed. I fell apart.

But if I had never given to them
It would be impossible to give love to you
because I thought I could give you all that and more
I thought there was so much that I could do.

I failed you-it kills me through and through
I wanted to love you so differently
I wanted to give you more than I had-
I just pray that you accept my apology.

You're the last person I would ever want to hurt
You deserve the world and more
And because I haven't proven myself
If I have to-I will let you go.

It IS okay to get over all your hurt
It IS okay to be who you are
I will always be here, with all of my love
No matter the distance-I'll never be far.

But if you can find it in your heart
to let me try it again
I will love you for all that you are
Together we'll figure it out. We will live.

Please don't put limits on me-
I'm ready for whatever may come
And if I haven't said it enough
My life has been changed by your love

I love you-and I will let you go
If you desire and need to be free
I would wait a lifetime
You will always have me

And if I'm not the one for you
And you should find the one who is
She's the one who can give you all the world
Who brings you back to life again

I may not have the world to give
But I'm willing to give you my world
I'm willing to TRY to be that woman you need
And hopefully add another boy and two little girls :-)

I've held so much in-unfairly at your expense
BecauseI'm not sure now you know how I feel
I gave what I thought was all of me
To me-this is it. THIS is real.

I'm sorry for letting you down
This is not how I wanted it to be.
I see the amazing man that you are
And I thank you for loving me.

I see who you are, I know your heart
And you WILL make all of your dreams come true
Whatever it is you need or decide-I am here.
I'll never turn my back on you.

It's hard to bring this to an end
It seems impossible to say-
Whatever you have to do-I'm here
I'm not leaving-but whatever you do. It's OKAY.

Nothing Personal...

So again, I am in the dark...in silence...being ignored.

However, it's a lot more clear to me this time.

We've had conversations about past hurt...past relationships, just getting through and over the things that haunt you from your past.

I know where he's at. I remember how helpless I felt when I didn't know if my life was going this way or that, up or down. I rejected help and masked my own confusion and hurt with the illusion that I had it all together and I was FINE. There was nothing worse for me than thinking those exact people who had got me down were doing better than me and there was no way that I would let them see how much I was really suffering.

In hindsight, my over-reactiveness to my own situation should have shown how out of control I really was to anybody that truly cared. And those people that reveled in my misery, that got joy out of my pain-I learned how to weed them out and throw them away. It is a process.

In the midst, I am still always thinking of how he prides himself on being fair, nice, caring to those who have hurt him because I really have to wonder how it is that I can't get those same basic respects? I start to feel bad for the things that I couldn't do for him...but then I realize I didn't have to DO anything.

Does he appreciate who I am? Does he know the support and love that I have to offer?

I don't know.

He said I take things too personally, but this-I am not going to take personal. I have got to keep it moving because part of me thinks that his necessity to feel needed would be in me having a breakdown of sorts because I can't talk to him, because there is no communication.

I know him so much better than I sometimes think he knows himself. He claims to hate these games, but it is THE games that he still plays with those he wants to have control over that is hurting him now. That inner urge to want to know that you can control somebody by the emotions that they have for you because they have somehow hurt you in some way. The necessity to be needed without the knowledge of knowing that being needed by THOSE people is exactly what keeps you down.

I have felt TERRIBLE for getting my wallet stolen, being unable to provide for him as I said I could and SHOULD be able to...then I have to step back and realize that maybe these things are not going wrong because of ME-maybe it's his lesson.

So I'm stepping back-but I have got to continue to be the woman I am. A friend said "You are the woman he needs, but not the one he deserves".

He deserves everything he has coming to him, good and bad-that's out of my control.

All I have to offer is unconditional love, unwavering support, and a steadiness I'm not sure he is used to. It's his to have, but I can't force feed it down his throat. I let him know I am here and not going anywhere and that is all I can and will do.

Nothing personal.

She's not here anymore...

Life is full of ups and downs.

I started this blog as my heart, my soul, my total being was in turmoil.

Somehow, things rectified themself and I got back the one thing I was the most sure about ever in my life. Things have been good, but not easy.

So, I am at a point again where I'm just waiting to be told that I'm "not it", except for this time...I won't fall apart and I am hoping and praying it doesn't come to this. I know what it's like to be at a point where you don't know how life got to be where it is and you don't know where it's going. I know what it's like to lay down and wish you could sleep until your problems had somehow managed to fix themselves. I know what it's like to feel like life is handling YOU and you are not handling it.

I'm pushing too hard. Pushing too hard to save him from hurt, stress, and unnecessary anxiety in MY eyes. But it's not my life. I think I forgot so quickly that he always said he just wanted me to be "there". We progressed from this, but I see everytime things get hard-we will go back to this.

I don't deserve to be reminded of everything that he's done for me in what seems like resentment. I refuse to even make a list of all the things I have done for him because I did them because I love him, because I wanted to, and I expect NOTHING in return for what has been given out of love. But-just like the rest of them-what I did before is what I DID.

That selfish woman that protected her heart...
That selfish woman that hurt others to prevent hurting herself...
That selfish woman who only took regard to her own personal wants and needs...
That selfish woman who did things behind backs for her own personal satisfaction...
That selfish woman who took so much to only give it back in ire...

She's not here anymore.

I don't have to prove it...it can be seen.


"You are the woman he needs, but not the one he deserves"...

From a friend on the outside looking in.

He deserves everything that I have to offer him, that is my choice. But he doesn't want to need it. I'm here, I have proven that. I'm not going anywhere I have shown that.

And if my past is all that he can see, it's probably very likely that his own past is holding him back too.

I pray for him.
I pray for me.
I pray for us.

I don't hope that things will get better, I know they will.

He has a great calling on his life and I believe in him so much. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

I acted out of character, I allowed myself to be tested, because even I forgot...She's not here anymore.

When God Moves

In the midst of dealing with the cards that you think life has dealt you, God has a way of moving things in and out of perspective.

Today, I received another text from Mr. But it's not a text I would have EVER wanted to receive.

"Hey folks my dad is gonna have to have emergency open heart surgery due to a torn artery...Keep my fam in prayer"

Then:

"Okay at the moment my father had a heart catheterization. He had blockage in a few arteries and a tear in one which would have resulted in open heart surgery. They called the surgeon but he was in surgery with another patient...Thus they put two stints in the arteries and will continue to monitor him over the next 5 days. He is not out of the woods yet and open heart surgery is still very much an option...So keep us lifted!..."

When your heart falls, you can literally hear and feel the thud in your chest. I was overtaken with emotion, fear, and so I just moved into action like I do. I sent this prayer request to all the people that I know believe and can testify to the power of prayer. I took a moment and put everything else in my head to the side so that I could take a moment and just ask God to have his way and help us understand his will. To strengthen this man and to touch his body and help him to be well.

The butterflies have been dancing in my stomach ever since. It's not about me right now. It's about this family. I believe that God has been in their midst. Touching and healing the relationships. Giving understanding to past situations and giving motivation for current relationships. In the family-not outside, but in the family. Today, it occurred to me while I was in prayer that none of this has been about me. The whole thing has been about Mr., and that's why it was so hard for me to understand.

Did God move me out of the way so that he could work in this family? Has he kept my heart so close and full because I do have a place, just not a time right now? Has he built me up in his word, in my faith, in his will because I wasn't where I needed to be? I can only think that I have these questions because God put them on my heart.

I can not imagine the pain and turmoil that his mom is going through, any of them. But I do know that they know that God is at work. What an awesome accomplishment for a man to have led his family to God first and to know that in the midst of whatever falls before them, God will lead them around it. God will guide them. God will never let them down. I know that they know that.

I have prayed for restoration in their marriage for a long time. I have witnessed the love that they have for each other. You can't fake that. I have been praying for this for so long because I thought Mr. needed something to believe in. I thought he needed to see that they could work it through so he wouldn't have such hard feelings about it. I wanted something to believe in too. Everybody has problems, no relationship is perfect, and every relationship is work. And it has occurred to me that we should ALL know that based on the amount of work it has taken every one of us to get close to God, to stay close to God, to stay faithful, to remain obedient.

We have all failed at one time or another. But human nature makes us question ourself when we do it to others. I have sat here and prayed and prayed and prayed for his recovery. Thinking about what might happen to each one of them individually-then reminding myself to not even THINK that negativity or possibility into existence.

It doesn't feel like I'm praying for someone else's family. I feel like I'm praying for MY family. I may not know them all, but I love them all. Because of the man that MR. is, it made me respect each and every person IN his family. I always felt welcome, and although human nature lends us to doing, saying, or acting in ways that are not in line with what our beliefs are-I felt like I was part of that family. Mr. and I were so close in who WE were, I felt like they were part of me, too.

I'm praying for them. Any thoughts that cloud any one of their minds about what they could have done or said, I'm asking God to take that away. Take away any guilt, any nervousness, any anxiety, any sadness. Take it all away and replace it with the confidence and understanding that God will hand each one of them a victory when this is all said and done. I'm praying for strength, for understanding, for increased faith where it starts to falter.

God has moved and showed me that even where I thought I was weak, I'm still strong in HIM. It is God who strengthens me and gives me wisdom. Who continually shows me how blessed I am, continually shows me that he is working, continually lightens the darkness that I struggle with from day to day.

If you are reading this-I'm asking you to pray for Mr., his father, and his family.

God is moving, there is no doubt about that. Because when he moves, we ALL feel it.

God is moving now.

He is always moving, it is just our choice to move on our own...

or move WITH him.

Thanks and I'm OK

This is the response I got.

I sent him a short e-mail just because I wanted to reach out to him and let him know I am still here. This was the response.

To this I just responded "ok"

And he asked "How are you?"

My response:

:-). I'm glad you are okay

Mr.: How are you?
Me: Easy question...but not an easy answer. I just wanted you to know I'm here and I love you. That's all.
Mr.: I'm sorry
Me: Don't be. Everything I said is exactly what I wanted you to know. That is all. I didn't mean to interfere or bother you-I know your heart. I just want you to be happy. Really.

And after a couple minutes I added:
"And I didn't want you to think I am angry. That is all...now really :-)

Mr.: I see

And that is it.

One simple conversation. An unbelievable amount of feelings. An unbearable amount of confusion. An unspeakable amount of pain.

At least he didn't come back and just say "Yeah, don't contact me".

At least he cares how I am doing.
What was I supposed to say? I'm heartbroken. Confused. Sad. Upset. Hurt. And still in love with you? And even the few words I did say I play them over and over. Did I say too much? Did I not say enough? Did telling him that's all I had to say translate to him that I don't want to say anything else?

I do know his heart. I know that he never wishes to hurt other people, and I feel like that "I'm sorry"...that's it. He said he was sorry-so now he won't feel guilty about it.

Does he know what I'm going through? Does he know how bad my heart hurts? Does he know how scared I am that that is the last conversation we will ever have?

Or is he okay? Is he really okay?

I want him to be okay, but I really want him to be okay with ME.

This is so hard. I thought that talking to him would make things easier. I thought hearing from him would make me somehow feel better.

Instead, I have more questions now than I did before.

I'm more hurt now than I was before.

And for as long as I haven't cried...now I'm crying all over again.

For as long as my stomach hasn't been flipping nervously...now I'm back to hardly being able to even hold water down.

And for as long as I thought I was getting better...my heart is broken all over again.

I make it from day to day just knowing that the next day will be better because I've gotten stronger. Today, I don't feel any stronger than I was yesterday.

Today-I am back HERE again.

"Thanks and I'm OK"

I am not okay.

I am a lot of things...okay is not one of them.

Loving ME First

The urge to contact him does not get weaker by the day. I think my strength to overcome that just gets stronger.

This is hard to explain. I remember having a conversation with him where he told me that although I wasn't serious about past boyfriends like I am about him, that if anything ever did happen to never go back to being like I was. I was very touched by his sentiment. I told him that although he can look at these guys like they were scoundrels, I was nothing to nod at either.

I mean, historically-I dropped any man that sniffed at being "in love" with me. And I could never understand why they even felt that way when I never gave them any notion that my feelings were headed that way. And Mr. told me that I was a beautiful person. That people can see who I really am no matter how I try to hide it. That I deserved so much more.

I appreciated that. I told him no one had ever told me that, and I wasn't lying. And after he said that, I had a new outlook on it...because nobody should have to tell YOU how great YOU are. You should know it for yourself. Easier said than done? Of course. At the time, I was just so thankful that he really articulated this for me. It was very special to me.

At that time, I never expected to be here. Wondering why and how he could treat me like this. A two minute conversation and then nothing to follow it up with, just a multitude of questions that have not been answered and pain I could have never imagined existed.

To be honest, in some ways I may deserve this. This is EXACTLY what I did to him two years ago. But...things were not going well. It wasn't just a small argument and then I snapped and just told him "You just don't cut it homeboy!" If memory serves me correctly, I don't think I called after that...but prior to me telling him I didn't think things were working out, we were barely talking anyway.

It KILLS me everyday to not hear from him. But I think he absolutely expected me to contact him and beg him for another chance. As I look back over things, I was always quick to make it very easy to place the blame on me because I don't have any problem admitting when I'm wrong. I don't have any problem taking responsibility when I'm wrong...but in this situation...I don't see what I did wrong. I may have brought our communication problems to the forefront, but it was just in a gesture to work through things the way they WERE, not as they were to be perceived. All I did was have a standard for how I will and will not be treated. And in that standard, I also understood that I would be held to whatever his standard was as well.

A friend asked me today what was keeping me from contacting him. I don't have a good way to explain it. It's a multitude of things. First, if he needs some time...I don't see how contacting him is going to help in any way. I know that when I am angry, I need time to sort my own feelings out. I have enough respect for him that I can just let it be. He did not tell me not to contact him, but if you would have heard the tone of his voice-be assured, you would not call either.

There's a part of me that beats myself up CONSTANTLY because I didn't get on that plane the next day. Make him face me. Make him talk to me. Make it work. But he said himself-he wanted to let me know before I came out there because he didn't want to patch it up and make everything SEEM like it was working. I honestly felt like if I went out there I was setting myself up for so much failure. I have already fought for this relationship...I felt like that was a losing battle. I hope in his mind he didn't take that as a sign of defeat, or as a gesture that I did not care. I wanted to respect his space. And really, I was scared of rejection. At that point, I couldn't take any more pain.

And really, what it comes down to-is that I love that man with every breath I have in me, with every ounce of my soul...but I LOVE ME FIRST. I sent a small note to him and I feel like I opened the door of communication to let him know that I am here. Maybe it was not enough, I thought it was.

I re-read over and over again the e-mail that I was going to send to him and it occurs to me that that e-mail is about ME. It's an explanation of my feelings, and once again a very easy way for him to blame ME. And really, his actions may not be about me or anything I did. What kills me is not knowing. What hurts me is that he might be going through something, and I want to be there for him. I AM still here for him.

And because I know him, I often think that he keeps himself angry with thoughts that I may call someone else, or "fill" his spot. That is so NOT ME anymore. And while I want to reach out to him so that he knows that that is not true...the indignant part of me says that I SHOWED him that I AM different now. Why would I go backward? Why would I go back to contacting these people that mean nothing to me? Why would I go back to letting someone waste my time? Why would I allow anybody else to ever use me again? I won't. That's a change I have made. If he didn't see that change, I'm sorry. IF he doesn't realize that the way that I love him helped me change, I'm sorry. If he doesn't know that I meant that I will always be here for him because he IS the love of my life, I'm sorry. But I tried with all of my might, I gave all of my heart, I gave as much of my soul as a person can give. So really, I don't think I have anything to be sorry for.

I'm not perfect, but I never claimed to be. I KNOW that I may be hard to put up with, I know I can be a little feisty at times, but I also know I gave him 200% of me. I love him. My heart breaks a little more each day. My soul cries out for him every moment, but if I don't have anything else-I do have my self-respect.

All the things he said about me, yes it was nice. He told me to never let anybody else use me like that, to never let anybody hurt me again. Was he including himself in that direction?

I love him, that has not changed. I'm here for HIM and only him, that has not changed. But there is a part of me that says if I reach out and lay my heart out and make up all the excuses...then I am saying it is ok to hurt me like this, and it's not.

Everyday I hope that he can feel how much I love him.
Everyday I pray that we can work this out.
Everyday I pray for him, I pray for me, I pray for us.

And everyday, as I fight the urge to beg him to give me another chance and open up e-mails that I never send, I realize how much I really do love me.
I realize how much I've been through.
I realize how much credit I really deserve.
I realize that I have loved someone more than I ever thought possible.

And in that realization, I realize that I could have never loved him that much if I didn't love me first.

If I didn't love me, I would have nothing to offer.

And the fact of the matter is that if he came back to me right this second I would accept him with open arms and we could forget this happened. But I didn't leave him, so it makes no sense for me to go back to something I never left. I'm here.

I need to stop wondering what I did wrong.
I need to stop replaying what I could have done in my head.
I need to just stop.

Love isn't enough.
But love IS enough.

You just have to know who to love.

You have to know that that WHO is YOU.

I love me, first.