Yesterday, in an attempt to get some clarity...I went and walked the nature trail. I needed somewhere to clear my head, where I could be by myself, no questions.
The thing is, I was not alone. There is nothing like God's natural creations to show you how good he is. As I walked the trail, there were so many symbols that spoke to me about my own life that I knew that God had lead me there for a reason.
As I walked the trail, it was very poetic to me that I started going downhill. How relevant. I walked a little while longer and there were two ways to go. I stood there. I didn't know which way to go, and I realized-many times in my life when I had to make a choice of where to go-did I make the right decision. I chose to walk over the bridge. The trail took me to a place where there was a creek on one side of me and just open fields on the other side. Everything on one side so still, and on the other side of me-the water never stopped. It was like life to me. When you get to a point where you are standing still, life still goes on.
I walked, I cried, I prayed, and I played things over and over in my head. Still searching for answers that I still don't have today.
There was an opening and a place where the creek opened up and now looked like a river. It was beautiful...but as I got closer to the water-I realized that getting closer to the water was a more treacherous and dangerous trail. What is beautiful is not always better, and certainly never easier.
As I walked, I realized that with time I was more consumed with the natural wonders around me then my own problems. I got to a place where the river crashed down on the rocks. The sound of the water was overwhelming. Almost so loud it drowned out my own thoughts, but not quite loud enough. Loud enough that I could get lost in the music that it made-but not so loud that I forgot my own problems.
Life is like that sometimes. Everything around you seems to consume everything-so you feel like your problems, however big-are so small in comparison. And sometimes, makes you feel unimportant. The water crashed down over the rocks. The tears crashed down out of my eyes.
After that, there was a clear opening. A small duck pond. So still. I had just left the water where it looked so violent, but this water was clear. Looked like a picture it was so still. I sat there and I cried. I prayed and I had a moment with God.
A fisherman came and because I didn't want him to know I was crying. I got up and finished along the trail.
I took the shortcut and as I could see I was coming to the end, there was a hill. I thought again-a poetic symbol. The end of the journey comes with an uphill battle. But this time, everything was still around me. And I thought in my head, everything is still but it's up to me to keep going. To keep pushing, and to meet whatever is at the top of the hill. No matter what it is.
I thought of the nature trail while I was in the shower today. I was supposed to go with my family. I kept thinking I was going to have to put on the "good face" because I didn't want them to think anything was wrong with me.
Well, I'm done with the good face. I'm not alright, and it's ok. As the sobs overtook me in the shower, I realized...I KNOW where I went wrong. I didn't praise God enough when I had what I wanted. I didn't thank him enough for the love, happiness, and clarity in my life. I prayed to him when it got hard...and he's probably heard from me more in these last two days than he has in awhile. THAT is here I went wrong.
So right now, although I know I Thank God and Pray to him everyday-I can still do more. That nature trail is like the story of my life...but all along the way-GOD WAS THERE. He was just waiting for me to see him.
Today I'm going back to the nature trail. I'm not going to take any shortcuts because I already know that way. I'm going to take the long way. I'm going to take it all in and I'm not going to wonder where I am, because the most important thing is God is there.
I'm going back to the nature trail.
But today, I'm not going to walk-
I'm going to RUN.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Because I'm just not "IT"
Because of who I am, I have put on the good face-held my head up high and smiled in everyone's face. Yes, I'm sad. But I'm okay. I'm going to always be okay.
But I'm not.
The harsh words echo in my head:
"I am selfish right now. You can't keep up with what I've got going on. You can't handle my lifestyle. You are pretending you are okay with it and I shouldn't expect you to put up with it. And before you come out here...I mean we could have a good time and try to patch it up...but NO, you just are NOT IT"
Funny because most of what he said seem to be similar to an E-MAIL that I had the displeasure of running across. My fault. Regardless of the reason I was in his e-mail, I shouldn't have violated his privacy-although I'm sure that time and again we've said we have nothing to hide.
The selfishness? Yes, I'm well aware of it. On many occasion I think my observations have pointed it out. The thing is-it didn't bother me. I was happy that he WAS being selfish because so much of his life mirrored on taking care of everyone else before he thought of himself.
The lifestyle? I never misunderstood the lifestyle. I know the lifestyle better than he thinks because I was around the people living it. I saw the relationships that worked. I saw the relationships that didn't work. I saw the picture opportunities, the "media" props in form of people-all of that. I saw it day to day to day-I know the lifestyle. I know the industry. I know the business-from behind the scenes. And isn't that important? To know what goes on behind the scenes so that you are aware of what makes the "PICTURE" work?
You know, I think the words of someone that doesn't even know me has penetrated and made him think. Let me clear-I am very sure of who I AM. I don't need to morph, settle, or pretend to be someone who I am not. However, I am UNSELFISH enough to let anybody around me be WHO THEY ARE. I don't need acceptance from ANY OF YOU. I know who I am. If you don't like it-kick rocks! BECAUSE I know who I am, there is no threat-there is no insecurity-and there is nothing wrong with letting someone be WHO THEY ARE. I don't have to pretend. The thing is, I don't need anybody to help me be who I am. So I have plenty in me to let somebody else be who they are. I will never lose sight of ME!
"This just isn't working out. I want to do what I want to do. Right now I'm on fire for my career and I want to make decisions and just have someone that will go with me not ask questions or not tell me how to do it any other way, even if there is a better way I want to do it my way."
What you need brotha, is a puppet. A puppy. Or a person with no brain. I have said over and over again, I know enough about enough that I don't have to pretend to know ANYTHING about things I know nothing about. Somebody tell me, if someone you love is moving forward in their life, and you can see an easier way-do you let them struggle? Well, that's what I was asked to do, because in his words...he proposed this question to me:
"When you look back after everything you went through, and you see all the struggles you overcame...doesn't it make it better? Aren't you saying 'I did that!'?"
The thought was preposterous to me. When I look back over all my struggles-absolutely-I am proud that I got here. But what I also look back at is the people that DID try to help me. All the time I wasted by trying to do it my way. All the trust I lost because I hurt so many people or stepped on so many toes doing it my way-that the people who tried to help me weren't willing to help me because that hard-headedness is not cute to ANYBODY. A friend shared with me a thought passed down to him "Nobody lives long enough to make all the mistakes. So I decided that I'm going to learn from someone else's, and that way I can make new and different mistakes!!"
There was confirmation in this relationship for me. Everything he is going through in some ways mirrors something in my life that I went through. But he wasn't open to letting me suggest anything. In his eyes, and obviously the eyes of his sister-I was trying to tell him what to do. And in his opinion, I got mad if he didn't. Now I'll admit-it is frustrating to watch somebody you love and care about go down a path you are certain won't turn out the way they thought. However, I never pushed my life on him. I never MADE him do anything. I gave suggestions, but he wanted me to just let him do it his way and keep my mouth shut. So I prayed and prayed about it. I never got any clarity on that. The best thing I could come up with was that maybe it wasn't for me to tell him how to do things, but just know inside myself that should he need me to help him-at least I could.
All of this started as a minor disagreement. He changed plans that involved me and my child without even talking to me about it. I just thought it would have been nice if he had had a discussion WITH ME. To this his point was:
"I made a decision because that's what works for me. I figured that you would be okay with it because I made plans to come the week after, and I thought since it works for me, you would be okay. I'm making it work."
Then after I said he didn't consider my feelings or viewpoint. He said:
"We are not moving together"
To which I made the point, how can WE move together when you are only making decisions for you? My point in the whole situation was, okay-if that was your thought process-then next time I will know. He said that doesn't sound right. I shouldn't feel that way. I shouldn't walk around thinking everytime I said something he was going to blow up or get mad.
Well guess what? THAT'S HOW YOU ARE! What he fails to realize, is just as I said I KNOW WHO I AM...I don't mind giving somebody space to be who they are. I'm not walking around here crying on the inside because you are hot-headed! I make personal observations and if it is going to cause conflict-I act accordingly. I don't like drama-I hate conflict-and I don't go looking for it. Why would I waste my time being upset over something I have no control over? If you go through a thought process in making YOUR decisions...note taken. If you don't start to see how selfish that is over time-Yes I'll let you know. But to argue about it? I don't have time for that.
Funny, because one of the things I wrote in the e-mail I sent him was "This relationship is turning out to be everything you said you didn't want". Guess what? Not my fault. As I look back, these little conflicts-all because he is not open minded enough to hear his own faults. You don't have to tell me mine-I'll TELL YOU. The relationship that he hates so much, and complains about constantly-that's how he operates. Demanding things for no reason. Set in a mindset that works for him and screw everybody else. He then made an observation about one of the people in this relationship he hates so much and said, "I feel sorry for that person. That person is very lonely." Well guess what? THAT'S WHERE YOU ARE HEADED!
I was always very aware that observations I made, he was not ready to hear. So I kept them to myself, and didn't let it bother me. I see HIM. I see the person he can be, I know his heart. There's no denying that. But I'm here. Willing to let him be who he wants to be. To let him work himself out WITH himself. But-I guess that just didn't work for him.
And in all this venting-you might think "Maybe YOU were unhappy". I was never unhappy. A lot of the changes he is making in his life-I've been very proud of him. What he doesn't understand is that no matter how much somebody helps you-everything you do is on your own. Somebody helping you doesn't take ANYTHING away from who you are or what you have done and are doing. It's someone placed there-to help you. THAT is a blessing. I've watched him grow up. We are all still growing up. And what he fails to realize is that the hardest person to really look at and analyze is ourself. The hardest person to learn about is ourself. The hardest person to look at and tell them that they are wrong is OURSELF. But to be able to do that shows great growth. Maybe he is not ready for all that, but I think he is.
I believe he can do anything he makes his mind up to do. I believe that he will achieve all of his goals. I believe that I was on board to help him to do all of that. I am still willing to give him the freedom he needs. My intent was never to hold him back or tie him down. My intent was to keep myself together and my home, our home, together so that if and when he needed me-there was no question that I could be here and he could get back on his feet and try again.
So all those things he said-that is what he made himself believe. Maybe that's what everyone else showed him, but I keep searching my memory relentlessly to see where I went wrong.
Regardless of what I did to him that he is so upset about, after all we've been through-I can't believe he talked to me like everything we had was nothing. I have told him I don't need him to do anything right now but pursue his dream. Every now and then I proposed ideas that made sense to me-maybe he felt like they were trying to hold him back-but after he stated his case-I let it go. As time has went on-I've tried to learn how he operates and had enough self-control in me to know when to say and when not to say. However, I'm human like everybody else. Not perfect, but I really tried to be everything this man needed.
At the end of the day, or maybe I should say at the end of "our" day, I would think that I deserve a little more respect than "You are not it". I have wanted to call him. I have wanted to know if he's okay. But, after being told off like a side piece that doesn't mean a thing-why would I? I have too much self-respect and dignity for that.
I was sure he would have called by now. But really, if it was that easy to just write me off. I'm not sure I want him to call.
My heart aches. There is no denying that. These tears? They come and go, but never stop. This love-I can't fight it.
After all this time that I've been everything he ever wanted, more than he hoped for, all that he dreamed of.
And in just one day, I'm just not "IT".
Unfortunate, because he's not "it" for me either.
He is
EVERYTHING.
I wish someone could tell me where I went wrong.
Because, I just don't
GET IT
But I'm not.
The harsh words echo in my head:
"I am selfish right now. You can't keep up with what I've got going on. You can't handle my lifestyle. You are pretending you are okay with it and I shouldn't expect you to put up with it. And before you come out here...I mean we could have a good time and try to patch it up...but NO, you just are NOT IT"
Funny because most of what he said seem to be similar to an E-MAIL that I had the displeasure of running across. My fault. Regardless of the reason I was in his e-mail, I shouldn't have violated his privacy-although I'm sure that time and again we've said we have nothing to hide.
The selfishness? Yes, I'm well aware of it. On many occasion I think my observations have pointed it out. The thing is-it didn't bother me. I was happy that he WAS being selfish because so much of his life mirrored on taking care of everyone else before he thought of himself.
The lifestyle? I never misunderstood the lifestyle. I know the lifestyle better than he thinks because I was around the people living it. I saw the relationships that worked. I saw the relationships that didn't work. I saw the picture opportunities, the "media" props in form of people-all of that. I saw it day to day to day-I know the lifestyle. I know the industry. I know the business-from behind the scenes. And isn't that important? To know what goes on behind the scenes so that you are aware of what makes the "PICTURE" work?
You know, I think the words of someone that doesn't even know me has penetrated and made him think. Let me clear-I am very sure of who I AM. I don't need to morph, settle, or pretend to be someone who I am not. However, I am UNSELFISH enough to let anybody around me be WHO THEY ARE. I don't need acceptance from ANY OF YOU. I know who I am. If you don't like it-kick rocks! BECAUSE I know who I am, there is no threat-there is no insecurity-and there is nothing wrong with letting someone be WHO THEY ARE. I don't have to pretend. The thing is, I don't need anybody to help me be who I am. So I have plenty in me to let somebody else be who they are. I will never lose sight of ME!
"This just isn't working out. I want to do what I want to do. Right now I'm on fire for my career and I want to make decisions and just have someone that will go with me not ask questions or not tell me how to do it any other way, even if there is a better way I want to do it my way."
What you need brotha, is a puppet. A puppy. Or a person with no brain. I have said over and over again, I know enough about enough that I don't have to pretend to know ANYTHING about things I know nothing about. Somebody tell me, if someone you love is moving forward in their life, and you can see an easier way-do you let them struggle? Well, that's what I was asked to do, because in his words...he proposed this question to me:
"When you look back after everything you went through, and you see all the struggles you overcame...doesn't it make it better? Aren't you saying 'I did that!'?"
The thought was preposterous to me. When I look back over all my struggles-absolutely-I am proud that I got here. But what I also look back at is the people that DID try to help me. All the time I wasted by trying to do it my way. All the trust I lost because I hurt so many people or stepped on so many toes doing it my way-that the people who tried to help me weren't willing to help me because that hard-headedness is not cute to ANYBODY. A friend shared with me a thought passed down to him "Nobody lives long enough to make all the mistakes. So I decided that I'm going to learn from someone else's, and that way I can make new and different mistakes!!"
There was confirmation in this relationship for me. Everything he is going through in some ways mirrors something in my life that I went through. But he wasn't open to letting me suggest anything. In his eyes, and obviously the eyes of his sister-I was trying to tell him what to do. And in his opinion, I got mad if he didn't. Now I'll admit-it is frustrating to watch somebody you love and care about go down a path you are certain won't turn out the way they thought. However, I never pushed my life on him. I never MADE him do anything. I gave suggestions, but he wanted me to just let him do it his way and keep my mouth shut. So I prayed and prayed about it. I never got any clarity on that. The best thing I could come up with was that maybe it wasn't for me to tell him how to do things, but just know inside myself that should he need me to help him-at least I could.
All of this started as a minor disagreement. He changed plans that involved me and my child without even talking to me about it. I just thought it would have been nice if he had had a discussion WITH ME. To this his point was:
"I made a decision because that's what works for me. I figured that you would be okay with it because I made plans to come the week after, and I thought since it works for me, you would be okay. I'm making it work."
Then after I said he didn't consider my feelings or viewpoint. He said:
"We are not moving together"
To which I made the point, how can WE move together when you are only making decisions for you? My point in the whole situation was, okay-if that was your thought process-then next time I will know. He said that doesn't sound right. I shouldn't feel that way. I shouldn't walk around thinking everytime I said something he was going to blow up or get mad.
Well guess what? THAT'S HOW YOU ARE! What he fails to realize, is just as I said I KNOW WHO I AM...I don't mind giving somebody space to be who they are. I'm not walking around here crying on the inside because you are hot-headed! I make personal observations and if it is going to cause conflict-I act accordingly. I don't like drama-I hate conflict-and I don't go looking for it. Why would I waste my time being upset over something I have no control over? If you go through a thought process in making YOUR decisions...note taken. If you don't start to see how selfish that is over time-Yes I'll let you know. But to argue about it? I don't have time for that.
Funny, because one of the things I wrote in the e-mail I sent him was "This relationship is turning out to be everything you said you didn't want". Guess what? Not my fault. As I look back, these little conflicts-all because he is not open minded enough to hear his own faults. You don't have to tell me mine-I'll TELL YOU. The relationship that he hates so much, and complains about constantly-that's how he operates. Demanding things for no reason. Set in a mindset that works for him and screw everybody else. He then made an observation about one of the people in this relationship he hates so much and said, "I feel sorry for that person. That person is very lonely." Well guess what? THAT'S WHERE YOU ARE HEADED!
I was always very aware that observations I made, he was not ready to hear. So I kept them to myself, and didn't let it bother me. I see HIM. I see the person he can be, I know his heart. There's no denying that. But I'm here. Willing to let him be who he wants to be. To let him work himself out WITH himself. But-I guess that just didn't work for him.
And in all this venting-you might think "Maybe YOU were unhappy". I was never unhappy. A lot of the changes he is making in his life-I've been very proud of him. What he doesn't understand is that no matter how much somebody helps you-everything you do is on your own. Somebody helping you doesn't take ANYTHING away from who you are or what you have done and are doing. It's someone placed there-to help you. THAT is a blessing. I've watched him grow up. We are all still growing up. And what he fails to realize is that the hardest person to really look at and analyze is ourself. The hardest person to learn about is ourself. The hardest person to look at and tell them that they are wrong is OURSELF. But to be able to do that shows great growth. Maybe he is not ready for all that, but I think he is.
I believe he can do anything he makes his mind up to do. I believe that he will achieve all of his goals. I believe that I was on board to help him to do all of that. I am still willing to give him the freedom he needs. My intent was never to hold him back or tie him down. My intent was to keep myself together and my home, our home, together so that if and when he needed me-there was no question that I could be here and he could get back on his feet and try again.
So all those things he said-that is what he made himself believe. Maybe that's what everyone else showed him, but I keep searching my memory relentlessly to see where I went wrong.
Regardless of what I did to him that he is so upset about, after all we've been through-I can't believe he talked to me like everything we had was nothing. I have told him I don't need him to do anything right now but pursue his dream. Every now and then I proposed ideas that made sense to me-maybe he felt like they were trying to hold him back-but after he stated his case-I let it go. As time has went on-I've tried to learn how he operates and had enough self-control in me to know when to say and when not to say. However, I'm human like everybody else. Not perfect, but I really tried to be everything this man needed.
At the end of the day, or maybe I should say at the end of "our" day, I would think that I deserve a little more respect than "You are not it". I have wanted to call him. I have wanted to know if he's okay. But, after being told off like a side piece that doesn't mean a thing-why would I? I have too much self-respect and dignity for that.
I was sure he would have called by now. But really, if it was that easy to just write me off. I'm not sure I want him to call.
My heart aches. There is no denying that. These tears? They come and go, but never stop. This love-I can't fight it.
After all this time that I've been everything he ever wanted, more than he hoped for, all that he dreamed of.
And in just one day, I'm just not "IT".
Unfortunate, because he's not "it" for me either.
He is
EVERYTHING.
I wish someone could tell me where I went wrong.
Because, I just don't
GET IT
Friday, August 8, 2008
Friends, my Family
In the midst of my own problems, it would be totally selfish of me to not say thank you to all my friends. To the ones who read, and to the ones who don't.
You are my family. You were not born of the same bloodline that I come from, but you have each stolen a piece of my heart-but you may have it forever!
You are my family. You were not born of the same bloodline that I come from, but you have each stolen a piece of my heart-but you may have it forever!
In times like this-truly I do not know what I would do without each of you. I thank you all for knowing ME. For knowing what I've been through, and even for some of you that are still learning-you have never judged me, never questioned who I am TODAY, but most importantly you just love me. When I ask if I'm being crazy, selfish, stubborn-I thank you for telling me I am. And I also thank you for uplifting me at the same time. When I need honesty-I thank you all for honesty. When I need support, I thank you all for that support. And even when I don't think I need you to be there for me, you all know me enough to know when I need you and you never, ever fail to be there.
I thank you all because I have not felt alone in a long time, and that's not a feeling I ever want to go back to. I thank you all for the things you teach me from being great examples to me, and I thank you all for challenging me to be better.
They say you can not pick your family but you can pick your friends. But actually-I don't think I picked any one of you. I can see that God placed you in my life at the very moment that I needed you the most. And the moments like now-if nothing else-your words, your thoughts, your prayers are holding me up at a time that I can't even stand on my own.
If I've never said it before. I thank you.
Many people say that one of their goals in life is to change the life of another person. If for any of you-this is or was your goal. It has been achieved.
Thank you for knowing ME.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for your friendship.
What do you do?
What do you do when your life as you know it is no longer life as YOU know it?
What do you do when the one person that you thought was the person that you were supposed to spend your life with walks away? What do you do when they tell you that everything that you are is nothing that they need? What to do you do when what they think of you is not necessarily your reality, but what they see as THE reality? What do you do when the person you've been fighting for no longer wants to fight for you?
You stop fighting. You walk away.
About three years and a half years ago-somebody else had these same thoughts about me. Pondered the same things. And I hope to God he didn't feel this hurt. Because if he did-I am sorry for that.
Once you believe that your reality is THE reality-nobody can change your mind. Instead, the people that want to be seen that you don't seen suffer because you haven't found something that you need. It's one of those unexplainable things that life presents. And it's not for me to understand it. I'm trying not to feel like somehow I deserved it. And I'm trying my damndest not to just give up.
If I step outside the situation...I'm proud of him. Proud of him for thinking of himself and not for everyone else. Proud of him for wanting and striving for his own goal and not trying to please everybody else in the process. Proud of him for finally believing in himself and what he can do. He'll get there. He's on his way.
I don't wish him any ill will. I'm not angry. But this pain-it's unbearable. I'm trying not to give up.
I am thanking God for showing me that everything I never thought I could be-I can be. For showing me that I can trust, I can love, and I can be loved and that IS what I deserve. I am thanking God for all of this even though I can't stop crying-he knows what he is doing. It is just a test. I won't give up on God, because he has never given up on me.
I'm asking God to forgive me. These tears aren't tears of doubt. This pain-this pain. I feel like my soul has imploded. I feel like my heart is struggling to find any pattern for any beat.
"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back its yours, if it doesn't it never was"
I let him go before and he came back. This time he let me go-but I haven't gone anywhere.
You can't fight a battle when you are in the ring by yourself. When you're opponent has deemed you unworthy. When they've walked out of the ring because you are just not worth fighting or fighting for.
I'm not walking away. I can't. I haven't let go-I never will.
But I have ENOUGH to let him be. To respect his wishes. To not try to fight my way into somebody else's fight.
I can love.
I did everything he asked me to do, and in the end-it's not what he wanted. I don't think I can blame myself for that. I'm thankful for that kind of love. And if I never have it again-I'll just know that it is there.
All of this...
Easier said...
I can tell you what YOU do. Me?
I don't know.
What do you do when the one person that you thought was the person that you were supposed to spend your life with walks away? What do you do when they tell you that everything that you are is nothing that they need? What to do you do when what they think of you is not necessarily your reality, but what they see as THE reality? What do you do when the person you've been fighting for no longer wants to fight for you?
You stop fighting. You walk away.
About three years and a half years ago-somebody else had these same thoughts about me. Pondered the same things. And I hope to God he didn't feel this hurt. Because if he did-I am sorry for that.
Once you believe that your reality is THE reality-nobody can change your mind. Instead, the people that want to be seen that you don't seen suffer because you haven't found something that you need. It's one of those unexplainable things that life presents. And it's not for me to understand it. I'm trying not to feel like somehow I deserved it. And I'm trying my damndest not to just give up.
If I step outside the situation...I'm proud of him. Proud of him for thinking of himself and not for everyone else. Proud of him for wanting and striving for his own goal and not trying to please everybody else in the process. Proud of him for finally believing in himself and what he can do. He'll get there. He's on his way.
I don't wish him any ill will. I'm not angry. But this pain-it's unbearable. I'm trying not to give up.
I am thanking God for showing me that everything I never thought I could be-I can be. For showing me that I can trust, I can love, and I can be loved and that IS what I deserve. I am thanking God for all of this even though I can't stop crying-he knows what he is doing. It is just a test. I won't give up on God, because he has never given up on me.
I'm asking God to forgive me. These tears aren't tears of doubt. This pain-this pain. I feel like my soul has imploded. I feel like my heart is struggling to find any pattern for any beat.
"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back its yours, if it doesn't it never was"
I let him go before and he came back. This time he let me go-but I haven't gone anywhere.
You can't fight a battle when you are in the ring by yourself. When you're opponent has deemed you unworthy. When they've walked out of the ring because you are just not worth fighting or fighting for.
I'm not walking away. I can't. I haven't let go-I never will.
But I have ENOUGH to let him be. To respect his wishes. To not try to fight my way into somebody else's fight.
I can love.
I did everything he asked me to do, and in the end-it's not what he wanted. I don't think I can blame myself for that. I'm thankful for that kind of love. And if I never have it again-I'll just know that it is there.
All of this...
Easier said...
I can tell you what YOU do. Me?
I don't know.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Sunday-Aug 1, 2008
The scripture today was I Corinthians 13:13. My favorite verse in the bible. A verse that has gotten me from here to there plenty of times:
"But now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; and the greatest of these is love."
I realized today that I've been battling this for quite some time. And as the words to the song were sang (Jesus, you're the center of my joy. All that's good and perfect comes from you. You're the heart of my contentment, HOPE for all I do. Jesus you're the center of my joy) I realized that I have come up short once again.
I've been in complete turmoil with the situation that my son is in. Praying constantly and really hoping that God would mend the relationship between father and son. I have been hoping for so long that this could happen so that my son would not have to face the disappointment and the pain...and the notion of it hurts ME. But I've overlooked ALL the things that God has showed me in the process.
I have a child that knows God. That has prayed and testified to me over the phone, even though in pain, that he has prayed and he knows God has listened. FAITH.
He has told me that it has helped things to get better and he knows he will have a good time and God will help the time go fast. :-) HOPE
And although he complained to me of the rift between his father and him and his father's family, he still believes in what can be and never hovers on what has transpired...that is LOVE.
Unforgivingly, without judgment-he is standing there with an open heart. Ready and willing to believe that everything his father has promised him is true. He stands there believing and hoping that things will be the way he would wish them to be, and all because he has LOVE in his heart that allows him to do so.
Everyday, I pray that God just give me the right words to guide him. The strength to help him through this. The knowledge to get over it. And all the while I am trying to be a mother, my son has showed me a true example of the scripture I have often leaned on. My son has shown me that although I want to be strong for him, his heavenly FATHER will never let him down. And the things that happen on this earth-God will get him through it. Although promises may be broken and words are not kept-he will not suffer because he believes and hopes that things will be better-all because his love for God allows him to be free in what God has promised TO him.
I have so much emotion about this, I'm not sure that my thoughts are even transmitting clearly. Jesus IS the center of my joy. Not my son's happiness. Not fixing the wounds that hurt ME so I believe they hurt my child. Not trying to figure out the motive behind the actions of others. Jesus IS the center of my joy.
No matter what I go through, I am always thanking Jesus. So why am I not thanking him for showing me that he has a great plan for my child's life? Why am I not thanking him for having such a presence in my child's life at such an early age? Why am I not thanking him for the living testimony I often talk about?
Because in my mind, loving my child was not letting him hurt. But if I trust in God, and if I let Jesus be the center of my Joy and lead by awesome example-my son will know and be assured that his faith and his hope are not in vain-that the love he has already shown will be the greatest tool in his journey.
He loves his father. But the greatest LOVE is for his heavenly father. My child has shown me his faith. He has shown me his hope. He has shown me his relentless love. And he has taught ME by example that if I put all that energy into loving God, that he will rain it right back down on me. I can't protect him from the things that God has put into place for him.
A mother. Put back into her place BY a child. My child that God gave to ME.
My child is walking a tremendous journey. And amazingly to me, he knows he is not alone and his head is held high. I'm not creating or paving any ways or roads for him. He isn't walking by himself, he knows who is holding his hand, but-I'm walking behind them.
Faith.
Hope.
Thank you God, for everlasting Love.
"But now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; and the greatest of these is love."
I realized today that I've been battling this for quite some time. And as the words to the song were sang (Jesus, you're the center of my joy. All that's good and perfect comes from you. You're the heart of my contentment, HOPE for all I do. Jesus you're the center of my joy) I realized that I have come up short once again.
I've been in complete turmoil with the situation that my son is in. Praying constantly and really hoping that God would mend the relationship between father and son. I have been hoping for so long that this could happen so that my son would not have to face the disappointment and the pain...and the notion of it hurts ME. But I've overlooked ALL the things that God has showed me in the process.
I have a child that knows God. That has prayed and testified to me over the phone, even though in pain, that he has prayed and he knows God has listened. FAITH.
He has told me that it has helped things to get better and he knows he will have a good time and God will help the time go fast. :-) HOPE
And although he complained to me of the rift between his father and him and his father's family, he still believes in what can be and never hovers on what has transpired...that is LOVE.
Unforgivingly, without judgment-he is standing there with an open heart. Ready and willing to believe that everything his father has promised him is true. He stands there believing and hoping that things will be the way he would wish them to be, and all because he has LOVE in his heart that allows him to do so.
Everyday, I pray that God just give me the right words to guide him. The strength to help him through this. The knowledge to get over it. And all the while I am trying to be a mother, my son has showed me a true example of the scripture I have often leaned on. My son has shown me that although I want to be strong for him, his heavenly FATHER will never let him down. And the things that happen on this earth-God will get him through it. Although promises may be broken and words are not kept-he will not suffer because he believes and hopes that things will be better-all because his love for God allows him to be free in what God has promised TO him.
I have so much emotion about this, I'm not sure that my thoughts are even transmitting clearly. Jesus IS the center of my joy. Not my son's happiness. Not fixing the wounds that hurt ME so I believe they hurt my child. Not trying to figure out the motive behind the actions of others. Jesus IS the center of my joy.
No matter what I go through, I am always thanking Jesus. So why am I not thanking him for showing me that he has a great plan for my child's life? Why am I not thanking him for having such a presence in my child's life at such an early age? Why am I not thanking him for the living testimony I often talk about?
Because in my mind, loving my child was not letting him hurt. But if I trust in God, and if I let Jesus be the center of my Joy and lead by awesome example-my son will know and be assured that his faith and his hope are not in vain-that the love he has already shown will be the greatest tool in his journey.
He loves his father. But the greatest LOVE is for his heavenly father. My child has shown me his faith. He has shown me his hope. He has shown me his relentless love. And he has taught ME by example that if I put all that energy into loving God, that he will rain it right back down on me. I can't protect him from the things that God has put into place for him.
A mother. Put back into her place BY a child. My child that God gave to ME.
My child is walking a tremendous journey. And amazingly to me, he knows he is not alone and his head is held high. I'm not creating or paving any ways or roads for him. He isn't walking by himself, he knows who is holding his hand, but-I'm walking behind them.
Faith.
Hope.
Thank you God, for everlasting Love.
The Archived Poems-The visit
The visit
I was so glad to see you.
It’s been so very long
I hope soon this is over
I’ve tried so hard to be strong.
This time I got to touch you
I felt safe in your embrace
I tried to hold my tears back
As yours streamed down your face.
We all got to sit together
Laugh, cry, and reminisce
These moments that I took for granted
These moments that now, I miss
Then we had to leave you
Something I really cannot bear
And once again, like other times.
I had to leave you there
*After first visit to prison
1/21/94
The Archived Poems-My War
My War
Like a brave little soldier
I stood out on the battle field
Nothing would ever stop me
To no one would I yield
My rifle was my courage
My armor was my strength
My will to fight came from within
Love, that would last to any length
Then the battle started
And all my pride was chapped
As I faced my opponent
I realized I was trapped
This was not the first one
I still had not received my crown
It was just another of many times
That in the end I got shot down
The Archived Poems-Family Prayer
Family prayer
Hold him in your arms
Tell him it will be okay
Tell him that you are with him
Every night and every day
Hold her close to your heart
Listen to her endless prayers
Help her to handle everything
Show her that you care
Take her away from where she is
Don’t let her stay another day
Guide her through her path in life
Help her get away
Shield him from this awful thing
He’s too young to know
Give him strength to live his life
Watch and help him grow
Guide me through all that I face
All of my decisions seem wrong
Lead me in the right direction
I can’t go on like this for long
Hold us all together
Let the love stay strong inour hearts
Let our strength hold us together
With You, we’ll never fall apart
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