It's Okay

For all the times I've been hurt
All the things I've been through
I never wanted to be where I now stand
Inflicting pain and hurt on you.

I know what it's like to be used
to be taken for what I do and don't have
to be left without a fleeting thought
fo feel like I'm only good for what I give

I know how it feels when they all laugh and live
to feel like the world is passing me by
Trying to figure out where I fit in to it all
Wondering when I lost control of my life

I gave over and over to prove who I was
To somehow give "THINGS" as a symbol of love
to hopefully show my love in real magnitude
to hopefully be able to show who I was

And all that I gave is ALL that I lost
And it seemed I could get nothing back
While they got to enjoy what I gave
And on me? They turned their backs

My misery seemed to amuse them
my suffering seemed to be a mockery
and all that I gave of me-thrown right away
And it seemed the only person I had was me

So I turned my back on everybody
They turned their backs on me!
I had a right to be mad at all of them
Look what they did to me!

Nobody appreciated who I was
Nobody saw what I tried to do
And now, in my worst realization-
I've been "them" to you.

The anger helped me in the moment
But that didn't last for long
It shielded the most important thing
"They" didn't get me. I am strong.

So when I was down to nothing
I had to show myself who I was
I had to embrace all of those good things
Realize what I was really made of

And now you are reduced to that loneliness
To the emptiness where there should be life
And I have added to that pain
that rips through your soul like ice.

I too, once gave up on people
because they did nothing at all for me
because they took all I had to offer
And when I needed them, I only had me

Then I lashed out at them
They deserved to feel my wrath
They needed to know how much I gave of me
I wanted them to give SOMETHING back.

Some basically laughed right in my face
Scoffed and called it overreacting
They showed me what my need for them was
They didn't deserve anymore-ANYTHING-not from me.

Some had no idea of the anger I had inside
Seemed surprised I even had emotion so strong
Some declared they didn't ask for what I did
Accepted all of it-but now acted like I was wrong.

And then, a few TRUE friends, who listened to my rage
Offered an honest and sincere apology
Who honestly felt bad for taking me for granted
But promised to try to give back equally

You see-I know what it's like to be surrounded
But stand in the midst all alone
To look around and watch others move on
To stand-because I'm stuck in a hole.

I have held "them" in the back of my head
And tried to give you that same love-all of my heart
But all that I tried to give means nothing now
I tried. I failed. I fell apart.

But if I had never given to them
It would be impossible to give love to you
because I thought I could give you all that and more
I thought there was so much that I could do.

I failed you-it kills me through and through
I wanted to love you so differently
I wanted to give you more than I had-
I just pray that you accept my apology.

You're the last person I would ever want to hurt
You deserve the world and more
And because I haven't proven myself
If I have to-I will let you go.

It IS okay to get over all your hurt
It IS okay to be who you are
I will always be here, with all of my love
No matter the distance-I'll never be far.

But if you can find it in your heart
to let me try it again
I will love you for all that you are
Together we'll figure it out. We will live.

Please don't put limits on me-
I'm ready for whatever may come
And if I haven't said it enough
My life has been changed by your love

I love you-and I will let you go
If you desire and need to be free
I would wait a lifetime
You will always have me

And if I'm not the one for you
And you should find the one who is
She's the one who can give you all the world
Who brings you back to life again

I may not have the world to give
But I'm willing to give you my world
I'm willing to TRY to be that woman you need
And hopefully add another boy and two little girls :-)

I've held so much in-unfairly at your expense
BecauseI'm not sure now you know how I feel
I gave what I thought was all of me
To me-this is it. THIS is real.

I'm sorry for letting you down
This is not how I wanted it to be.
I see the amazing man that you are
And I thank you for loving me.

I see who you are, I know your heart
And you WILL make all of your dreams come true
Whatever it is you need or decide-I am here.
I'll never turn my back on you.

It's hard to bring this to an end
It seems impossible to say-
Whatever you have to do-I'm here
I'm not leaving-but whatever you do. It's OKAY.

I Can Go On Now

I'm not sure how to place the words
so that I can paint the story
of how I feel.

My heart-ripping in silent screams
But with the pain
Comes relief-so real.

The revelation. The TRUTH. Deafening.
I can't turn away
It's right in my face

I can't even grasp what has kept me
HERE. So Obviously-WRONG
So out of place.

Over and over-mistakes I have made
And I let you be my judge
the final word, yours.

Even if I hurt you in the process
It is only God's wrath I fear
Not you. Not anymore.

I let your expectations predict my actions
I let myself fail-but
the fault? It's mine.

I stood in the shadow you cast
over me-over my life
I've got to go. Now it is time.

I've held myself back. I've let myself down.
And as hard as I thought
I fought. I let you win.

I played the bad guy. Your villain.
Your excuse. YOU COWARD.
Not anymore. NEVER again.

Unlike you-I still see God in this plan
in trying to destroy me
HE didn't let me go

He gave me another chance to be me
You don't see his mercy
You don't even know!

The things you try to place on me
that Ugliness-it's not me.
Look. LOOK. It's YOU

I just followed the poor example
The immaturity, selfishness
Not me. NOT ME. YOU!!

No more heaviness in my heart
my soul-I'm setting it free.
You have no control.

Face your own demons. Fight your OWN self.
I've got to fly away
You can't use me. NO MORE.

Blood ties us together...but love??
Not from you. That's NOT
what you have given or shown

It is what has made me feel bound
You have had my love, respect-
And I thought you had GROWN.

I will love you and forgive you
because-you AREN'T in control
I am now-NOT YOU.

I will believe you can change
Your ways. Your heart.
Everything you do.

My energy. My passion. My heart.
You have had it.
I have had ENOUGH.

Thank you for the strength. Understanding.
Of what I have endured.
Thank you SO much.

All the while I thought it was over
God still had a lesson
For ME. In YOUR ugliness

I still didn't allow him to reveal
Opportunities. I let go.
of MY happiness.

I see it now-Oh THANK YOU GOD
I know where I can go
I know what to do.

Who are YOU going to hold down now?
There is no one to punish
YOU have to deal with YOU.

May God bless you in your journey
as he deals with ALL OF YOU
All of YOUR "things"

I'll pray for your strength
Pray for Your Soul
I don't need YOU to pray for me.

I have everything, everyone I
could ever need
Not you-go your way please

Thank you for the clarity
Thank for for the strength
I can go on now-
You don't get to stand in my way.

Good-bye to hurt, pain, shame.
Hello to life renewed.
I can go on now-
I'm over it. I'm PAST YOU.

I cannot remove you from my life
But I can move my life from you
I can go on now-
Good-by to what you tried to do.

Now you have to deal with you.

I'm going on now-will you move on too?


You don't have to-
I can go on now.

Do whatever you need to do.

And if you decide to stay-
I can go on now.

Do it your way.

Yesterday was yours, maybe also today-
I can go on now.

Tomorrow is mine. MY way.

No hard feelings, no regrets-
I can go on now

And what you deserve-YOU WILL GET.

I can go on now.
Good-bye.

I can go on now.



1/27/2008
MAH
8:43 PM

Ecstasy

Ecstasy has replaced the fantasies
Fantasies have become the reality
Of the fusion of our bodies
As our souls are laced
In the strongest
Concentrated
Substance
That our love dissolves with ease

My body becomes one with your body
Your body is my sanctuary
Adulterated by my lust
Beautifully tainted
by my passion that
Devours
Ravages
Your being while drowning you in this sea of erotic love

As you beat the rhythm into my thighs
You send the pounding pulse inside
And my moans become the screams
That translate your melody
Into my harmony
Bridging the
Arch
That contorts my body to the beat of your drum

As the sweat pours over your beautiful face
As the sweet sap pours out of my place
My pleasure is so intense
As your tongue tastes the
Nectar that
Overflows
Engulfs
And immerses you in the pond of my pleasure

And as I talk to your body with my tongue
And take you into my mouth as I wait
For an eruption from my indulgence
To free your urgency
On my flesh
In my flesh
Swallowed
With the thirst that can only be satisfied by YOU


You grab my hips with the hands
That will pierce my flesh with pain
As you satisfy my craving
To be punished
Chastised
Overpowered
Asphyxiated
By the tempestuous passion that hurts so good


And then my screams surge to deafening clamor
And the intensity of your pulse accelerates into one beat
The slapping of our skins is muted
As the enchantment begins to
Suffocate
Intoxicate
Entrance
Our bodies into delectable satisfaction

You are inside me and you are inside me
I am around you and and I am through you
We are connected in physicality
Consummated in our love
Hypnotized
Mesmerized
Captivated
And entranced by the lust that will not be controlled.

Our fantasy is in our ecstasy
Our reality is a fantasy
Of the fusion of our lives
As we entangle our desires
Completely
Entirely
Savagely
In the beauty of our vicious eroticism.

Beat me with your deepest desires
Execute me from the inside out
Let me retaliate with my warmth
Let me wreak havoc with my hips
Molest me
Lick me
Punish me
FUCK ME into oblivious, pleasurable, suffocating SILENCE.



10/22/2008, MAH

Nothing Personal...

So again, I am in the dark...in silence...being ignored.

However, it's a lot more clear to me this time.

We've had conversations about past hurt...past relationships, just getting through and over the things that haunt you from your past.

I know where he's at. I remember how helpless I felt when I didn't know if my life was going this way or that, up or down. I rejected help and masked my own confusion and hurt with the illusion that I had it all together and I was FINE. There was nothing worse for me than thinking those exact people who had got me down were doing better than me and there was no way that I would let them see how much I was really suffering.

In hindsight, my over-reactiveness to my own situation should have shown how out of control I really was to anybody that truly cared. And those people that reveled in my misery, that got joy out of my pain-I learned how to weed them out and throw them away. It is a process.

In the midst, I am still always thinking of how he prides himself on being fair, nice, caring to those who have hurt him because I really have to wonder how it is that I can't get those same basic respects? I start to feel bad for the things that I couldn't do for him...but then I realize I didn't have to DO anything.

Does he appreciate who I am? Does he know the support and love that I have to offer?

I don't know.

He said I take things too personally, but this-I am not going to take personal. I have got to keep it moving because part of me thinks that his necessity to feel needed would be in me having a breakdown of sorts because I can't talk to him, because there is no communication.

I know him so much better than I sometimes think he knows himself. He claims to hate these games, but it is THE games that he still plays with those he wants to have control over that is hurting him now. That inner urge to want to know that you can control somebody by the emotions that they have for you because they have somehow hurt you in some way. The necessity to be needed without the knowledge of knowing that being needed by THOSE people is exactly what keeps you down.

I have felt TERRIBLE for getting my wallet stolen, being unable to provide for him as I said I could and SHOULD be able to...then I have to step back and realize that maybe these things are not going wrong because of ME-maybe it's his lesson.

So I'm stepping back-but I have got to continue to be the woman I am. A friend said "You are the woman he needs, but not the one he deserves".

He deserves everything he has coming to him, good and bad-that's out of my control.

All I have to offer is unconditional love, unwavering support, and a steadiness I'm not sure he is used to. It's his to have, but I can't force feed it down his throat. I let him know I am here and not going anywhere and that is all I can and will do.

Nothing personal.