To my Grandmother...

For my whole life, I have wanted nothing more than to sit in your presence. To know the woman who has endured so much, has fought so hard, who sacrificed so many things, who ended up with so much.

You gave me one of the greatest gifts I have ever known and will ever know, my mother. Her words of wisdom from you, stay with me. Her anecdotes of her childhood with you have taught me lessons in my life. Her stories of your struggles put mine into minute perspective. Her admiration and adoration of you makes me love you all the more because she is a woman that I admire more than anybody-so to know the person that she loves so much would be an honor.

I am praying for you. I am hoping that although you have never touched my face or held my hand that you know that I am with you and holding you in my heart. I am hoping that even though you don't know my childhood, my life, or anything about me, you know that I love you because you are part of me. The strength that my mother has, the perseverence, the support she shows, the patience, the long-suffering but always ever present love comes from you and I love you for that. I could only be so blessed and honored to know the woman that my mother gives all the credit to, because I can't imagine there being anybody else as great as she in this world, but I know there is you.

I have heard stories of your sense of humor, your stubbornness, your will to live, your persistence to survive, and your unwavering faith. I see it in my mother. I hope that I have it too.

The sacrifices you have made for your children is reflected in the love, support, and respect they have for you. I hope it is reflected in that respect that I have for you too because I can only hope that if faced with the obstacles that you have faced that I could look them in the eye, stare right back, and never back down like you did.

Even though your presence and my being have never met, I am inspired by your will to live every moment. I am inspired by your zest for life at all times. I am overwhelmed by the love that you so freely give and share. I am awed by the forgiveness I know is in you. I am motivated by the example that you have set as a mother, a wife, a friend...and my grandmother.

I don't know you, but I know you. The hurt you have endured equals strength in your daughters, courage inside of me, and faith in my own child. Your story lives in my heart. Your life is precious to me. Your example is one I could only hope to obtain, and I promise you to keep trying.

I promise you that I will honor my mother as she has honored you. I will love her with all the love that any child could possibly give to a mother. I have hurt her, I have disappointed her, and I have not been all that I could be-but she loved me anyway. I have failed, I have fallen, I have been so low I didn't know which way was up, until she picked me up. I have given up on myself, and she believed in me anyway. She has so much love, so much faith, so much understanding...she has made you so proud.

And now, I believe you are on a journey to meet our Heavenly Father where you can live as freely as you wish in the kingdom of Heaven. My heart aches only because while you were an angel on earth-I never had the opportunity to meet you. I know your heart-I see her everyday.

I don't know you, but I know you.
I've never seen you, but I see you.

But, I have always loved you. I always will.

Stay strong grandmother...she is coming home, and she brings with her a piece of all of us. I hope you take it with you and know that we cherish you, we love you, and we will meet you one day.

I pray for your strength.
I pray for your health.
I pray for you, always.

But if God sees fit to lead you home, I know it is his will, it his way, and I will not doubt it.

I will rejoice through my tears.
We will lift each other up through our pain.
We will bring this family together one day-I promise.

And if it is his will that you ascend into the heavens...
You will then know my heart.
You will then know my love.
You will then know me.

You showed her love.
She has given it to us.
I am offering it back to you.

Thank you.

She's not here anymore...

Life is full of ups and downs.

I started this blog as my heart, my soul, my total being was in turmoil.

Somehow, things rectified themself and I got back the one thing I was the most sure about ever in my life. Things have been good, but not easy.

So, I am at a point again where I'm just waiting to be told that I'm "not it", except for this time...I won't fall apart and I am hoping and praying it doesn't come to this. I know what it's like to be at a point where you don't know how life got to be where it is and you don't know where it's going. I know what it's like to lay down and wish you could sleep until your problems had somehow managed to fix themselves. I know what it's like to feel like life is handling YOU and you are not handling it.

I'm pushing too hard. Pushing too hard to save him from hurt, stress, and unnecessary anxiety in MY eyes. But it's not my life. I think I forgot so quickly that he always said he just wanted me to be "there". We progressed from this, but I see everytime things get hard-we will go back to this.

I don't deserve to be reminded of everything that he's done for me in what seems like resentment. I refuse to even make a list of all the things I have done for him because I did them because I love him, because I wanted to, and I expect NOTHING in return for what has been given out of love. But-just like the rest of them-what I did before is what I DID.

That selfish woman that protected her heart...
That selfish woman that hurt others to prevent hurting herself...
That selfish woman who only took regard to her own personal wants and needs...
That selfish woman who did things behind backs for her own personal satisfaction...
That selfish woman who took so much to only give it back in ire...

She's not here anymore.

I don't have to prove it...it can be seen.


"You are the woman he needs, but not the one he deserves"...

From a friend on the outside looking in.

He deserves everything that I have to offer him, that is my choice. But he doesn't want to need it. I'm here, I have proven that. I'm not going anywhere I have shown that.

And if my past is all that he can see, it's probably very likely that his own past is holding him back too.

I pray for him.
I pray for me.
I pray for us.

I don't hope that things will get better, I know they will.

He has a great calling on his life and I believe in him so much. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

I acted out of character, I allowed myself to be tested, because even I forgot...She's not here anymore.