The best day of my summer?

I have looked forward to this day for two months.

I have anticipated the moment I would hold my son again, see his smile, and just feel him in my arms. I have imagined that this day would be emotional for him, but I was sure I would be prepared for this day. I knew that his emotions would range from way high to way low, and I thought that no matter how emotional for him, this would be the best day of my summer. The day I got my child back. The day I got to look in his eyes, tell him it's okay. Tell him how proud I am, and most of all-show him how much I love him.

Today was supposed to be the best day of my summer.

Today, I woke up in tears again. I haven't woke up crying at least for a few days. Today the emotion is heavier even than a week and a day ago when I felt like my life as I knew it totally left me.

For a week and one day, I have had the opportunity to just feel however I am feelings. I was able to isolate myself and just be alone with my thoughts. However helpful, or dangerous that might be.

Today I have to stop hiding. I promised my son a welcome home party-and that is what he will get. But my stomach turns at the thought. I don't want to answer any questions. I don't want misplaced sympathy-I want these people to welcome my son home and leave me the hell alone.

Today, I have to put on the good face and mean it. And I'm not ready. My heart is heavier than ever. For all those people, they are outsiders. My son can look right through me. I can say whatever I want to him, but just as I can see through him-my eyes will never lie to him.

I anticipate the question. Where is MR.? I thought MR. would be here? I have an answer, but I don't know if he'll take it or not. I pray to God he does. Because really-all I can think of is that I was prepared to try to help him deal with what he just went through, but I don't know if I can help him through this. I can't help myself through this.

Once again, I brought him into something that will hurt him. And as I pray with all my might and hope with all my soul that it is not the end of things, I have to move on. And I can't right now. It's not even that I don't want to. I CAN'T.

Today was supposed to be the best day of my summer. Today, one of the most important people in my life is coming back to me. And when I embrace him, I will try not to cry. I will try to be strong. But just his embrace, just his touch, his smile...it's going to break my heart all over again. It will bring the reality that I have to break his heart AGAIN, and I can't tell him why. And as I hold his hand and we walk away, I will try to be strong. I will try to pick myself up and hold it together. I haven't tried to be strong for everyone else and pretend like I am okay, but I owe him this. And as time passes, and I have to deal with this reality-I will let him blame me. It is my fault. I brought him here. I gave him hope for a life he has longed for. And I'm the one that ruined it.

I don't know how to deal with this situation. I'm hoping it all falls back into place. I'm praying that I'm strong enough to take it all. I'm praying that for all the hurt I have brought into his innocent life, that somewhere-sometime...he can forgive me.

Today is supposed to be the best day of my summer.

Today, I feel worse than I can ever remember feeling in my whole life.

Repossession of the Heart

One day there was a conversation
you said "Miss, can you help me please?
Somebody has stolen my heart away"
I said "Sir-who could it be?"

You composed the perfect response
You gave a sweet description of me
I asked you if you wanted your heart back
You replied, "No it's safe, hers to keep"

In jest I replied to you,
"If I could I'd give you mine,
but my heart is absent from me too-
I have given it away for life"

"You see, the strangest thing happened to me
I met an angel right here on earth
I gave him my heart, to have and to hold
He'll keep it safe, he knows it's worth"

These silly little quips between us
That now I miss more than you could know
somehow this one sticks in my mind
This one, I can't let go

Even when we were joking
My words always came from deep inside
There was never anything to play about
I was serious about giving you my life

These words and others repeat themself
In silence, these are the things I still hear
All the things we ever shared
All the things that I hold so dear

Where does all the love go?
How does it end so fast
How do I take what I thought my life was
And throw it into the past

How did you just end it all?
Where did you lose sight of me?
When did you stop believing in us?
Why was it so easy for you to leave?

My head won't believe it was nothing
All the plans and dreams we shared
How could you throw me away like this?
How can you go on, and not even care?

I can not just let go of you
My mind fights it day to day
My heart still belongs completely to you
My soul pleads for this emptiness to fade

I trusted you, I believed in you
I never thought that I would end up here
I never thought you would treat me like this
I never thought you could be so cruel

I don't know what you are going through
Is it so bad that you had to just leave?
What did I do that turned you away
Tell me something, talk to me PLEASE?!

Everyday-this one conversation
plays over and over, I can't get it to stop
Do you remember what we had together?
Do you know you still have my heart?

I never expected to give all of me
I never expected to find someone as perfect as you
and I never would have expected to be right here
Alone-wondering, what did I do?

So all that I have, is all that we were
I still hope it's what we can be
I don't want a life that isn't with you
But I can't make you want that with me

I love you completely with all that I am
I would give you all that I have
You could have had my heart for a lifetime
You still have it, I can't take it back.

The Stream

The Stream

The path has no direction
you can either come or you can go
you can choose to find the place
where the stream just flows and flows


You can go walk along the banks
you can go where the water flows
you can turn and go against it
It will not stop, it has to go


The water flows without effort
across the rocks, over fallen trees
there is no diversion that can stop it
it keeps on going-no reprieve


The water flows in silence
But if you listen, a sweet melody you hear
It sings of it's endless journey
it tells of all the places far and near


There are places when it was almost still
There are places the turbulence was too much to bear
There are places when there was so much around
And places like this, with almost nothing there


As the water draws me closer
There is something that I see
As my flowing tears fall into the flowing stream
There is a reflection-that is me.


There is a path that brought me here
It's the direction I chose to follow
And right here where it meets the stream
my reflection haunts me as I try to drown my sorrows.


The trees, the path-just EVERYTHING
around the stream it's just TOO still
This is my life drawn in nature's perspective
Life is moving. But I'm stuck here.

The water has no sorrow
for my pain, or this suffocating misery
It absorbs my tears, holds my reflection
It will not let me hide from ME


It takes my pain and suffering
And adds it to the end of it's own melody
It keeps on going as the current is thrusting
It keeps on moving, oblivious to me


My soul wants the stream to stop
My heart screams for it to let me just be
My mind doesn't want to embrace this
Let me go...leave me to my own suffering!


I can't move on like you do
I can't get through all these rocks in my path
And where all the trees have fallen down
I can't get over them, I don't have the strength!


So leave me, let me stay still here
Let me cry out and scream in my own misery
Let my sadness rip through my broken heart
Let me suffer. Let me grieve!


And as I scream out all my angst
The water moves without pausing for me
It swallows my screams, absorbs my pain
It moves through my soul with the same steady ease.


I don't know how I got here
so I can not continue to go
I can not flow through everyday
I hate the questions, I have to know!!


I'm not strong enough to keep up with the current
I'm not brave enough to accept my new truth
I just want to go back to how things were
I want my life back-I don't want anything new


The water still does not wait for me
It does not stop to listen to me groan
It flows on without entertaining my pleas
I hear what it's telling me. Yes, I know


I have to go on when I don't want to
I have to keep going when there seems to be no way
I have to keep fighting for everything I am
But I can't do it, not today


I need the strength of that small stream
I need the current to push me through
I need to stop letting life pass me by
I need to get up, I have to move


I hear what the stream is telling me
I see it go on without knowing the path
I hear it quieting the cries from my soul
I see that this way, I just won't last.


I'm getting up to move with my own current
I don't know where I'm going to end up
But I have to get through this place in my life
I have to keep going, I cannot stop.


Wherever the current takes me
I know that I will not be led astray
I will find the will to keep going
I will find it. I will find my way.


My path does have a direction
I have come and now I am ready to go
The stream has showed me what to do
Pick up my heart and put down the sorrow


I don't know exactly where I'm going
I don't know in the end, where I'll be
But the stream shows me my reflection
The stream won't allow crippling misery


I don't know the rocks that will be in my way
I don't know how I'll get through the fallen trees
But the stream lifts me up and soars through my soul
The stream will not let me give up on ME.

Psalms 143

Psalm 143
A psalm of David.

1 O LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief.

2 Do not bring your servant into judgment, for no one living is righteous before you.

3 The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead.

4 So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed.

5 I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.

6 I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Selah

7 Answer me quickly, O LORD; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit.

8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

9 Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD, for I hide myself in you.

10 Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

11 For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.



Thank you Lord, for your word. Because without it right now, I would certainly be lost.

There's nothing more for me to say here. Simply because, I can't lead myself right now.

I am looking to the hills...

Yes, my help is here.

It's a better day

Today will be a better day, just because it can't be any worse.


I got up today, made up my mind to do what I need to do at work.

Do what I need to do at home.

And do it all while not letting these other things distract me.



Thank you all for your comments and e-mails. I appreciate your support. There's no need to be angry at anybody here-just like I don't understand-I can't expect you to, but I do appreciate all your kind words and expressions.


The thing is, normally I would pretend to be fine-and I just don't have to do that. It's not healthy.

I don't know what will happen. I don't know if things will work out. I don't know why this happened. I don't know how it came to be like this. I don't know when, if ever, my heart will stop aching.

What I DO know is that today will be a better day. Not because I said so, but because God gave it to me.

It's a better day.

Things could be worse.
Things could be better.

But I just have to deal with how things are right now.

It's a better day.

I Win

You know, I knew that this blog would be more therapeutic than just a writing tool.

So I'm glad that my own words have touched ME.

I win.

I do win.

Everyday that I get up and I make it through the day, I win.

There was a time when things so much smaller than what I'm going through would have sent me on a tailspin...but although emotionally I'm still hurt, I will be okay. I don't have any doubts about that.

And instead of asking God why he is putting me through this...I have spent my time asking him to forgive me for not thanking him enough for the LIFE that I have been blessed with.

I can barely see this screen through the tears that are falling from my eyes, but I had that moment of clarity AGAIN. And I thank God for these moments. He's been showing me all through this that he still has a plan for me.

On Friday, I went to a friend's house and I just sat there with her. Thank you God for placing friends in my life that can offer me comfort. That can give me love and support in a way I never knew I would need it, but it was there.

On Saturday, I stayed in. Went out to run the nature trail, then right back in to be by myself. And the texts kept coming "The kids need you". And all I could think of was, I just can't take that right now. A knock on my door and my niece there to offer me a hug and a slumber party to make me feel better :-)

On Sunday, I could barely stand to be around all those people. All the kids hugged me like they had not seen me in years. All of them glad to see me, and every single one of them asked me if I was okay. I fought every time to hold these tears back, and I was ashamed of myself for showing my emotion so outright on my face. Then during benediction, the little girl I have prayed for relentlessy came forth to be baptised. To admit that she was angry that God took her mother away, but willing to let it go. I left. I couldn't take anymore.

THANK YOU GOD for putting these children, and all these people around me in my life. I had to think back-they didn't want to know what was wrong with me because I looked terrible, they wanted to know because they love me. Because for many of these young people, I was able to pull something from inside of me and help them to deal with what was on the inside of them. And together we were able to pull it out, pray about it, and move on. And for the child that lost her mother...how small are my problems. I am upset that someone I love has hurt me. But NOBODY has taken away somebody that I love. And in the midst of everything she has been through, she was coming back to God, saying here is my life-I'm sorry.

Just as he is on fire for what he wants...I've been on fire for a long time too. But I have been working towards it. I've always felt like the things that I have gone through were not placed in my life for me to be in pain, but to help others that didn't understand their pain. I have always felt and sometimes been burdened by the position I seem to play for others. Always here for everyone and often times felt like I didn't have anybody to lean on. I missed it. I completely missed it.

I have let this world make me my own enemy. I have let what society thinks a victim should be define the ideas that I had for myself. And all the while God was calling me to be something better and stronger. But He couldn't do it unless I stepped up to see it. And all this time, I have completely missed it. God, forgive me.

I have always had a way to see what people are feeling without really even talking to them. THAT is a blessing. God gave me that. And because he gave me that, he gave me a gift of knowing what words to use to soothe people. And he didn't just give me those words. He gave me a life and lessons so that when these people came to me, I would know what they have been through and they would know my words, my actions, and anything I had to offer were genuine and from my heart.

So as I sit here, heart broken and mind reeling-I have to thank God again because I could be somewhere so much worse than I am now. I don't have to tell anybody who I am, I AM who I AM and I don't think anybody has a hard time seeing it. I have to thank God for trusting me with everything I am going through. And I have to thank God again for the living testimony that even though I might have gotten comfortable or even a little lazy in who I am, he will never let me be any less than he expects. Thank you, God.

I win. Everything that I have been through, I got through it. I did that.

I win. Everything that has hurt me, only hurt me. It didn't GET me. I did that.

I win. Everything that looked me in the face now has to look at my back, because I didn't get over it, I didn't get around it, I got through it. I did that.

I win. I have proven that I know how to love, that I now know how to be loved, and that is exactly what I should expect and deserve. I did that.

I win.


I can't make anybody stay here. I can't make anybody want me.

But if they don't want me, I know what they have lost.

And as much as it hurts, I just know that that is how much stronger I will be.


I WIN.

The E-mail to only be heard in my world...

I am posting this for peace of my own mind. It has not been sent-it probably never will be and I"m certain that here there is no way for it to get to him...but it is for me.

Mr.,
I haven't contacted you because I wanted to respect your space and your decision. I did, however, think that by now, we would have had some communication-but I understand that you have quite a lot going on right now.

This weekend has been very hard for me, only because I'm not sure I fully understand how a small miscommunication ended up here. My first thought was that I certainly got what was coming to me in the form of how our relationship ended before. Mr.-If you were hurt like this, or confused like this. I truly apologize. My actions at that time were not because of you but because of things I was going through on my own. I'm not trying to justify this by saying that is your case-but I am truly saying I am sorry for hurting you in the past.

I have gone through this over and over and over and OVER in my head trying to figure out what I did wrong, what I said, just ANYTHING to give me some clarity for why we ended up here, but I have not found it. So from your statement, it seems you believe that I don't understand the notion behind what your lifestyle will be like. Then after a conversation with a friend, I was informed that you had had doubts for quite some time that I was ready for this next step you are taking. In the friends opinion, you may have wanted to experience some of the "crazy" things you had seen in the industry-and I think I know you better than that-but that could also be so. I don't fault you for that at all.

Also by your statement, you stated you need someone to just go with you. So, I still tried to go back and see where we weren't moving together. Mr., the thing is, you've been moving forward this whole time, and it was your request that I just "be here". And that's what I have done-it doesn't mean I have been stagnant in my life. I have completely understood that you need someone to support you and not ask any questions, and after you made that clear-that's what I have done. When you have asked for suggestion-I have given it. And really-it wasn't until your stay with me that we made this clear. So I don't know if we even had enough time to see if that worked for us or not.

To be fair to you, I have to really clarify where my feeling that you didn't consider ME came from. To just be honest, it came from the whole fiasco with the trip. I know I came to Your City and we had a great time, not to take ANYTHING from that, but you took care of everything, we had a very good time and then it was like I was supposed to forget it ever happened. After the short conversation we had in the airport, I could see that to you the issue was resolved. We had fixed it-but we never really did. I didn't bring it up again because you know I hate when people do that to me, and I didn't want to do it to you but you basically disregarded my feelings to do what you thought was right for your parents-even though you didn't even agree with them, and you admitted that. That is a hard pill to swallow. Then, after reading the e-mail from Sister, I understand you already had these things on your mind. Even though you said that Sister is not qualified to give you relationship advice because of her own issues, a lot of the points she made are things that repeatedly came from you as well. I don't know Sister. That e-mail only took me back to how upset I used to get because people judged me before they even knew who I was. If nothing else, it was important for me to see exactly how far I HAVE come. It was a weak moment for me, but honestly-after talking to you and talking to a mutual friend that Sister and I have, I understood where Sister might be coming from based on her own situation. I don't know it, I don't pretend to know it and to be mad at her would be downright childish. You said that you don't take her all of her advice to heart, but I heard alot of what she said in what you said to me in your last statements to me. I'm not mad at her for saying what she said because she knows you better than anybody and in many situations, I have been very thankful for the relationship the two of you have because I know she is the only person besides me, that you really confide in. Everybody needs an outlet, and I am glad you have that in her. She took what I said and she interpreted it the way she saw it, but you know me better. And it is to those points that I feel like I need a moment.

Mr., when I said I was a broken person-it's because I thought you knew what I meant. When we first started talking again seriously-you told me you were a broken man living on a prayer and a promise and that's all you had to offer. This is something I knew you would understand because we have been there at different times in our life. The thing about it is, to say and see that you have been broken means you have picked up the pieces and are moving forward. Yes, I may have been a broken person but I can look at the wounds and carry on. Of course I have problems, and I have issues, but I confront each problem, each issue right in the face and I deal with it. The person that can see issues and problems in another person should take a good, long HARD look at themself in the mirror-because we see in other people what we know about ourselves. I have never tried to give you my issues and have them to be yours. As a friend, I confided in you when I was upset, just as you have done. And any issue I thought would affect you, I gave you the information I thought you needed to be able to process it on your own and make your own judgement. Really, the only issue I ever had that you would have had to deal with was my "relationship" with Son's Father. And when I asked you for your input, it was not for you to DEAL with my issues. These are issues I have already dealt with. If I need somebody to deal with my issues, or to give my issues to someone-I know how to pray. To me, I wanted you to know everything about me. What I"ve been through, how I got through it, so you would know me...and I believe you did the same. It's how we learned about each other. In a moment of weakness, I took every fault I had and laid it on the line for you to show you that I don't in any way think that I have it all figured out, but I find a way to get it figured out and I thought we were doing that together with the problems that came up in OUR life. I haven't accepted that my life sucks-I wouldn't even claim that...because I would be telling God that I'm not grateful for every blessing that he was gracious enough to rain down on me. My life certainly does not suck. And if I was ignorant enough to only deal with problems the way I always have-I definitely would not be here. I deal with things as they come, and after I deal with them I make adjustments in my life so they don't come up AGAIN. I take what I have learned in life, from other people, from prayer and study and I use those tools to get me a step ahead each time. And the fact is, regardless of what I've been through, I'm still moving forward and up at the same time, and I couldn't do that without God. It doesn't take courage to admit that you have problems, it takes courage to look in the mirror and realize that at the root of all your problems is yourself. I've done that, and that's why I'm NOT the person that you knew before, that's why now I am who I am. I did not have to judge other people, look down at them, or kick anybody on the way. And for those that judged me, it's not for me to be angry with them, God will deal with them in his own way. Every enemy, every person that has hurt me, every person that wanted ill for me, I had to forgive them. That was for ME. I understand the implications of rededicating your life to Christ because I've been there too. It has occurred to me that you actually did hear me saying that everything you did was wrong because that's what you are used to. It was never my intention to "correct" you or "fix" you or do anything but give you an honest opinion in LOVE. I have never tried to control you, regardless of what anyone thinks. It has also occurred to me that I was not wrong for communicating my feelings with you, you just aren't used to that. YOu showed this in everyday matters. When they asked you to change some things in your music, you took it personally and didn't want to change it because you thought what you had was good enough. They didn't tell you it was wrong, they just wanted something different. It's still yours. I know this is a very sensitive subject so please know that I am treading lightly and these things that I am saying are not to put anybody down in any way, especially you. We both agreed that we never wanted to be in a relationship where one person kept things from the other, or things were hidden. And that is the kind of open relationship we have both worked for, I haven't hid any feelings from you even if I knew they wouldn't be received well. However, I know when I'm pushing on the line of you being too upset to hear what I have to say. This is not losing my identity behind anything. This is called compromise. There is no point in talking about something when both of us are just getting mad.

When the whole "trip" fiasco went down, you told me that I had to understand that I was dealing with close minded people who were stuck in the old days. It is one thing to understand it, and a totally different thing to have to deal with it. Mr., you are your own man. But time and time again, I hear your pain because it's almost like you feel guilty for wanting to live your life the way you know you can. You feel like you owe certain things, when in reality-you have done far above and beyond what anyone should expect. And that is what a family SHOULD do for each other. It never would have been an issue for me until I felt like their approval was more important to you than anything. THAT is why when I left I wanted to know what the next steps were. This whole fiasco was the first time you ever admitted to me that it bothered you that I didn't come out there more often. But I'm going to tell you, it DID bother me that everytime we went through anything you would bring up anything and everything you had done for me. This is not a challenge to see who is doing more for who. Anything I do for you, I do because I love you and because I want to. Anything you ask, that's what I have done. Not because I have to conform to being somebody you want, not because I have EVER lost my identity, because I love you. There is nothing you could ask for that I would consider too much-and if I just couldn't do it, I would tell you but I would damn sure try.

Often with your family, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Of course I am here for you to vent, but if anybody else would point out something about your family you would get very offensive. Just like what you said about sister-I don't know if I could have shared someone else's point of view without you getting offensive. But that's your family. And because I couldn't agree 100% either way, I didn't say anything because I didn't want you to take it the wrong way. You were beside yourself when it came down to the issues you were having with your parents, but you still wanted me to bring my SON out there. As an outsider looking in, I didn't see how that would help anything you were going through. But you took it personally and took it as me saying they are bad people. Mr.-I cannot judge your parents relationship or their marriage on anything but what you tell me, and even then I don't hold any personal feelings about it. However I feel about how they treat you or what you go through are my feelings towards YOU. Just like any parent, they teach you the best they can but it doesn't make it right. In my opinion, from the five of you-they did a fantastic job. Everybody has issues with their parents, and it's a hard lesson to learn that what they taught you might not be right for you. I know who you are, and regardless of how they frustrate you or how the way they do things drives you crazy-you do a lot of the same things that you complain about. I don't fault you for that. I have done it too. It's natural-and I have never expected you to change overnight or change at all. I have always just been here to work through it if it affects our relationship. And it has never been a case where I am always right. I know that you carry a lot of weight for everybody in your family-but I just don't know if you see how great you really are. Regardless of what they've done, what they've taught you, what you like about them, what you don't like-you are you're own person. And like every family-they will depend on you to do things until they realize it's not fair to you or they shouldn't expect it-when that realization comes-who knows. I don't know when it happened for my parents...for me personally-I had to stop waiting for their approval and realize that my own happiness was more important than what anybody said or did to me.

Mr., all I ever wanted was for you to follow your heart and bring your vision to life. I told you time and time again that if you needed space to do what you need to do, I could offer you that and you could have the peace of mind in knowing that I would always be here for you. I admitted to you that I was wrong for trying to make you see things the way I thought they made sense, but I was perfectly fine after I knew that you could see what I was trying to do for you-and then I had to realize that's really what you needed. To know that I was here, but you had to do things the way they made sense to YOU. It's not my dream...I don't see the path. I would make little jokes about marriage and children, but understand there was never any time limit in my mind. I believe that you know 100% that I am here for you. That if it took you the rest of your life to pursue that dream, that's just how long it took. What I promised you as a wife and as a mother didn't have a timelimit on it. Our relationship certainly wasn't "going nowhere" and if you felt that way, I wish you would have told me.

I never told you I didn't understand what your life would be like, you questioned me and somewhere along the line convinced yourself that I wouldn't wait around for you or I wouldn't understand the lifestyle. I told you once that I don't think you know how to be happy-and I just don't understand why. It really seems to me that you expect there to be some conflict somewhere, so when our relationship was easy-that didn't make sense to you. Anything worth fighting for will take work. "Sticking together" is NOT just for marriage. It's for any relationship that is worth something. The greatest test of any relationship is how you get over the toughest times. We have had some tough times and we have always gotten through it together. It was never easy, but we got through it, and really-I thought this was something we could get through. I did not make a commitment to you lightly or without thought. When I told you that I gave you my life, I meant that. NO ring, no piece of paper, NOTHING is going to make that any more true. The things I told you I did not need...of course they would not make sense to anybody else because it's not THEIR relationship. I

believe the thing I said to you that made you the most mad is that I don't care what other people think about how a relationship should work-I know what works for us. I"m not interested in outside appearances, opinions, anything-because I know what will work for US. It might not work for someone else, it might not seem normal-but at the end of the day-I knew that I would do anything for you-anything for us-because it was worth it. This is my life. I thought. NObody else can speak on my behalf for what they might think will work or won't. I said it, and I mean it-what anyone else thinks is relative and really-not relative to ME. Anytime you said you "just weren't ready" or you weren't "on my level" made me really wonder why you don't give yourself more credit. It's not about you "being on my level". It's just about you loving me. I love you for who YOU are. Those things don't matter to me.

There is nothing that anybody could have told me would be too hard for us. At the end of all of this, I thought I might have deserved a little more than "YOU ARE NOT IT". I would never intentionally hurt you, but it does hurt my feelings that you have shown more respect over time for people that completely disregarded your feelings, disrespected the man that you are, and hurt you to no end. We have talked, and we have made plans for as much as we could for what we know. Time and time again you said that I was everything you wanted-were you just trying to talk yourself into believing that? The hardest thing for me is trying to explain this to my SON. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. Just as God has a plan for me, I know he has a plan for him too-and I probably have underestimated his strength. But if you are truly walking away from me, you are walking away from both of us. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, and he will never be angry with you-he loves you. Mr., I love you with everything that I have-but that certainly does not mean I have lost any part of who I AM. I can only love you because BECAUSE of what I've been through I love God first, and completely love myself second. If I didn't love ME, there would be nothing that I could offer to you. At this point, I don't know where you stand because what you said seems so unlike you. If it is that you need some space, but you still want me to be here. That is all you had to say. If the things that I have done or said to you really made you that upset and you are completely done with me and everything we had, I respect that and I will leave it alone. I have no hard feelings against you. I love you and I am so proud of you for going after your dream, you will make it. I believe in you so much. If all I have to offer you is friendship, then I hope you will take that. If that is too much to ask of you, I will accept that as well.

My feelings for you have not changed, and the hard thing is-I don't think they ever will. The hardest thing about this is the notion that you ended this so abruptly, and don't even care about it anymore. I am here if you want to talk to me, and I hope you do. At any rate, I respect your decision if it is final.

I love you.



And that is it. Did I send this? NO I didn't. I sent a short unfeeling e-mail to just open the door and let him know I'm here.

And I am. My heart is with him-because it has nowhere else to go.

And that might seem strange to you-but I don't know how to stop loving someone when it went as deep as I thought our love went.

I never thought I'd be open enough to GIVE somebody my heart like this, so I don't know how to take it back.


As much as I want to send this-and as hurt as I am. I still have my dignity. If he wanted to know how I felt-I suppose he would have asked.

I guess for me, to publish things here means I can't pretend like it's not happening how it really is.

It is what it is.

And today, still.

I'm just not "IT".

Sunday August 10, 2008~Don't Bow

Sunday's sermon was from Daniel 3:1, 4-6.

The sermon was about how the three boys did not bow down to the king because they knew better. And of course we went on to the furnace, where three people were thrown in but 4 appeared to be present.

The Evangelist's message was for the children, fitting for youth Sunday. But also for parents, telling us all to not bow down when we KNOW God is telling us to do something different. And I heard her, I really did. But I had a realization.

I have bowed down to this relationship. Made promises to God, didn't keep them. We made promises to God in our relationship, and didn't keep them. I bowed down. Bowed down to what I thought would make him happy, when all I had to do was stand up for God.

I'm still not okay. I don't have much more to relate on this subject...all I can do is pass the message on.

Don't Bow.

Cause I can tell you, it's a hell of a journey to just get back up.