Dear Ex-Boyfriend(s)...

Dear Ex-Boyfriend(s),

I know you're probably surprised to hear from me. You might have been expecting a giant outburst, hate mail, or something similar-but I'd really like to take this opportunity to Thank You.

Yes, THANK YOU.

As I've taken time to really think back over the time we spent, I really felt compelled to take a moment to let you know that you helped me more than you know. Of course you made me stronger, but let me also add to that wiser. And, after your exit, I realized I am not as crazy as you would have liked me to believe. I am, and have always been, the woman you needed but did not deserve.

First-I'd like to thank you for affirming that my gut instincts and my sixth sense are as keen as I believed. Nevermind the fact that you always stood right in my face and lied-I'll get to that later. Whatever made me check your phone, or your e-mail, or your pockets-that was not because I am jealous, or crazy, or insecure-it's because YOU are not as slick as you think. I can't explain to you the feeling that I got or where it came from. I can just tell you that all things that happen in the darkness will come to the light. I can tell you that God has a way of making you see something you are just not ready to see no matter how painful it is. So Thank you for showing me that my gut instincts are right on target, and the only enemy of my sixth sense is you.

Thank you also for showing me that I am very capable of forgiveness. After all, I forgave you over and over again when in hindsight I don't think you deserved it even once. But let's not rehash old pain. I forgave you and we moved on. Now whether or not I kept bringing up your actions, I still forgave you. I showed myself that I do have the power to forgive. And if I had the strength and patience to forgive you, surely I could do wonders for somebody that actually deserves and will capitolize on a second chance.

I'd like to thank you for all of your false accusations. I might not have ever had the chance to know what it feels like when you accuse somebody for something that they honestly did not do. I might not have known how old it gets to be interrogated for things that happened in your imagination and not in real life. I might not have been able to relate to how old it gets when someone's insecurity shines brighter than any other thing they have to offer. I'm thanking you for this because now I know to just ask a simple question if I have doubts. And if I doubt the answer-I can simply walk away. So this goes hand in hand with the gut instincts you have shown me that I should always trust. Thank you for showing me how ugly insecurity can be and showing me how obvious a guilty conscience is.

Thank you for cheating on me. There is no way I would have ever known that you didn't deserve me had you not just blatantly disrespected me. I know that over and over again I asked what these girls had that I didn't, what you wanted from them that you couldn't get from me, and why you had to go to someone else when you had me. Now I know that this is an impossible question, because no answer you ever would have given could satisfy my heart. There is nothing that these girls had that I didn't-they just had your time and attention for the moment you were with them. They just made you feel like you were "the man" in a moment when you needed more attention because YOU felt like you weren't enough for me. Although your actions were kind of backwards, I thank you-because you were NOT, after all, enough for me. I realize that you wanted to be NEEDED. You just didn't understand my sentiment that NEEDING somebody is a very unhealthy emotion-but WANTING somebody is more powerful. You thought those girls needed you, and then when they didn't WANT you because you only showed them how untrustworthy and how unfaithful you-maybe THEN you realized my point.

Thank you for lying to me. We've already discussed the gut instincts and the sixth sense. And I'm sure the lying came in somewhere with the cheating or the false accusations. You showed me how ugly it is when a lie falls out of someone's mouth. You showed me that lying to someone is basically like standing in somebody's face and saying "I don't love you. I don't respect you. I think you are stupid". And I may have been-but I thank you for giving me the opportunity to realize that stupid is as stupid does, and I would NOT participate with you.

Thank you for hurting me. Had you never hurt me, I might not know how to heal. But because of your deception, or lies, or adulterous ways, or childish ways-whatever it may have been-that hurt allowed me to grow and be bigger than even I knew I could be. I might have been down for a period of time, but being down showed me that I had to get up. And when I got up, I got up WITH the hurt that you gave to me but then I got over it and let that hurt elevate me to a new level. I wouldn't be here looking down on you now had I not been able to get up over it.

Thank you for allowing me to love you. I know somewhere in your mind you may believe that this sentiment still exists. Love can be everlasting, but in our case-it will not last forever. I thank you for this opportunity because whatever I gave you unselfishly, however I loved you-that will always be what I gave to you from the most pure place in my heart. I showed myself that I can love without circumstance and I can keep loving with no barriers. You see, the importance in this is that I didn't lose any love in you. Loving somebody is the greatest thing we can do-and just because you didn't appreciate it doesn't mean that my love didn't mean anything, it didn't lose any power. So, I am elated at the idea that if I could have loved you, imagine the limits that I could surpass in loving somebody who WANTS me to love them the way that I WANT them to love me!!

You have given me so many things-I thought you deserved a Thank you note. Lastly, thank you for the timely exit in my life. It was probably a combination of all these things that led me to leave you or to accept the fact that you left me. Everything that I gave you-I'm proud of that and so very excited to give these things to someone who deserves them and watch them breed and grow.

I always say that the worst thing you can ever do is stop believing that someone can change. So while I thank you for these things that you gave me, I don't hold you accountable for them forever. You can move on too...just not with me. I hope that my unwillingness to talk to you or friend you does not offend you. It's just that if you weren't good for me then, I'm not quite sure how you can be good for me now. And you should want better for yourself than a friend who doubts who you are and what you have to offer. I take responsibility for all the things that I may have done that added to our relationship going sour. I have forgiven myself, and I forgive you.

So-I hope that this Thank You finds you well. I hope that you understand that there is no underlying evil or maliciousness in this letter to you. You helped me find a part of me that I might not have been able to find, but I assure you that if you could not handle me then-don't even try to deal with me now. You can go on. I hope that you find a woman that is everything you WANT and I wish you all the best. I can't look back because I'm moving onward and upward so fast I might miss something that awaits me that is AHEAD of me, that is FOR me. I hope you are thankful for the time you had the opportunity to be in my life. I am thankful for the lessons I learned, but I see no need to repeat past lessons when I have graduated to a new level.

So, thank you.

Good-bye...Forever.

Racism lives!!

For my thoughts about the reactions, actions and nonsense of this week-you can view THE Friend's blog:
http://whatyouneedtobetold.blogspot.com

I really urge all of you to support the President and this Healthcare reform by calling your congressman. Let your voice be heard! It is so important!
http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/health-care-action-center/

Also, I will be contacting my son's superintendent and asking for the exact reason for having to sign a permission slip to let my son watch President Obama's speech. This is an outrage. Don't sit down on this opportunity to be heard. The message being sent to our children is unbelievable.

Whether you agree or disagree, I'm quite sure that none of us want our children to grow up in a society where they are told and SHOWN it is okay to disregard authority. Contact your school and see if your concerns should be addressed to the superintendent, school board, accountability committee's or advisory boards. Write an open letter to your newspaper. Do SOMETHING. Change is HERE. Let's make sure it stays.

He's Just Not That into Me

So-I have done the girl thing.

I have wondered what could happen.

I have wondered where things are going.

I have played out different scenarios in my head.

I have daydreamed, dreamed, hoped-all that silly girl stuff. Things I don't normally do-I guess because I was a little smitten. I was hopeful because I had met somebody new that didn't offer the same old and tired bull. I was kind of taken.

I prayed for a sign, for an answer, for some kind of insight to what the future would or could be...

So we met here and there, we've talked, we've shared ideas of what could have happened or what could be...

I feel like I've done my part, shown what my intentions are and could be...

I've made offers, extended welcomes, given opportunities...

I've tried to keep him involved, keep him informed, keep him at the top of my "attention to" list...

And what have I gotten?

Not much. Words with no actions. Actions with no words. But never given any promises-so I can't say that any were broken.

Did I do too much? Did I not do enough? Am I too damaged to give it a good effort?

So as I take back over myself, as I look back on what happened...again I'm thankful for the presentation of people in my life to show me what I could have, what I do deserve, what it could be...

But in this instance-as much as I hate to admit-I have to just say:

He's Just not that into me.

If he was-I would have known it by now.

We live and we learn-and even if we don't...

Life goes on.

Why Are You Talking to Me?

"I hate black people"

Unfortunately, this was the statement made to my 9-year old during recess yesterday. To which he replied, "Then why are you talking to me?!"

I thought his response was great. I talked it over with him. I thought we were done with it...and then I caught him deep in thought later in the evening. I asked what was wrong, he replied nothing. I asked what he was thinking about-and the tears started falling.

It frustrates me to no end when I don't have an answer for his queries. It makes me sick to my stomach that he had to go through this and it made me feel like a failure because even through everything I told him, I KNOW it doesn't take the pain away.

So in this situation, I have to hope that he believes that everything he knows and has been told about God is true. I have to trust that telling him that God had this planned out for him will lead him to be grateful and not angry. I have to believe that that he will turn that pain into the RIGHT energy to feed the RIGHT things. I hope that he can follow through on our conversation of forgiveness and where it comes from and WHY we forgive in the first place. And then to look him squarely in the eye and tell him that this was not the first and probably won't be the last-so hard.

I do however think his reply was priceless...if you hate me, then why ARE you talking to me?

Good for him.

We work twice as hard, so we are twice as good.

I know he is being made strong...I just hope I have given him the proper tools to allow his spirit to take that journey.

The Happy Birthday turned Anniversary...for me!

I wonder if when I'm not SO stressed about what seems to be EVERYTHING if things occur to me as often as they have lately. Mostly things I tolerated that I never should have, people I entertained that aren't entertaining, things I did that I should slap myself for...

I woke up to a text this morning inviting me to celebrate Mr. Lollipop's (an old "acquaintance" from way back) birthday with drinks downtown. I rarely forget ANYTHING, but I realized I didn't remember his birthday because he just doesn't matter anymore. So, the text was sent at about 11 pm the night before so my assumption is that he sent it looking for an obligatory "Happy Birthday" reply. Well, thank the Lord my phone went dead and I didn't get that text until this morning. I'm glad he had to wait around on me for once-Lord knows I spent a year of my life way back when waiting for him to just SEE me. Oh, how desperate!!

Again, I have to step up into the spotlight of shame for my behavior since the breakup. At one time, after the breakup with the EX (he doesn't deserve name recognition anymore-he doesn't even deserve one keystroke from these fingers, I'm being generous and giving him two), I did let Mr. Lollipop come back around. The physical? Two thumbs up all around. Life? FAIL. EPIC FAIL. No need to rehash the past-but this dude should have never gotten a second of my time. But the light skin, pointy nose, nice body strikes again. I put up with unnecessary and completely foolish drama for about a year until a fateful trip, a Happy birthday song, and my revelation on the plane ride home to him that I was "DONE". And that was that.

WHY DIDN'T I LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE.

Walking today, I realized that half these dudes I still stay in what I think is friendly communication needs to just stop. There's no sex, there's no nothing really-but these are people I don't even need in my life. How do they make my life better? They don't-I was the one that gave them a glimpse of hope. I was the one that gave HIM in particular a vision of what his life COULD be like-all that fool had to do was stop lying.

One time my son said "You don't take stuff from anybody, why do you let my dad say whatever he wants to you?" Now, there's a different reason for that-but his concept stuck with me. In general, I hate bullcrap. So why do I always overlook the signs of a BS Hoarder and let them in my life? No WONDER I'm okay being by myself-it's the obvious and preferred alternative to what I normally choose.

So, today I realized that while I do enjoy ME, life wouldn't be SO bad with someone to share it with that was WORTH IT. Don't know if I've met him yet or not...and I'm still not looking. He's going to have to know he's the right one and slap me into it, cause I don't have the energy for that right now.

So, to Mr. Lollipop-Happy Birthday. Glad to say I gave you one of the best ever-but we will never celebrate another one again. But, it is also a Happy Anniversary to me. Celebrating the time in my life when I realized there wasn't anything wrong with me, but everything wrong with you and to a certain point moved on. Anniversary's get better with time right? So by this time next year, I hope to be able to say the last time I heard from you was yesterday when you were begging for a birthday wish.

Happy Anniversary to me...screw your birthday.

You Haven't Changed My Life...You Just Wish You Had

Sometimes, the most horrible thing you will ever see is when you truly open your eyes and examine yourself. Realizing that 100% of what you go through is based on 100% of the choices you make is most of the time a reality you don't want to accept.

"In life you must only do two things. You must make choices and you must die. But for every choice you make there is a consequence" Author Unknown

This quote was in my english classroom when I was in 8th grade. It made no sense to me then, but that is the black and white. Fortunately, we get an opportunity to make these choices over and over and over again. Making the same WRONG choice is just what we...hell maybe I...do too often.

I have A LOT of things going on right now. Being pulled every which way, stress weighing down HEAVY-but I've just been looking at in the face trying not to panic and just knowing that God is working it all out. So, being able to hand over the REAL burdens in my life is a great testament to how far I've come. But it has also had me focused on the things I don't ever really bother going to God with.

Relationships.
Sigh.
Listen-I don't pray to God for a man, I don't pray to God for companionship...I don't pray for things like that. Nothing against people who do...but I got real life shyt that I need God to handle for me. This is not a pressing matter in my mind. Everytime I hear somebody telling somebody else to "ask" God for exactly what you want-I think that is completely stupid. However, I realize that I am still working on ME...so I need God to fix ME. I'm not worried about anybody else's fixing. I try to just keep an open mind and not block my own blessings when it comes to these type things. Obviously-I don't have great taste in men. Obviously.

Over and over and over again, I deal with men that are not up what my standard SHOULD be. I'm not ever surprised when they disappoint-I can't even really call it disappointment because it's almost expected. So I have to ask myself, and I haven't been asking myself often enough, WHY EVEN DEAL WITH THESE LAMES??! I don't know...I have a weakness for a great smile, and having the upper hand. The latter, I don't claim lightly-it's just something I've come to realize. It's just the truth. For a long, long time, I said that it is not important to me that a man be on the same level financially, educationally, spiritually etc. As long as he knew who he was and had a goal-I was ok with that. I didn't want to be the type of person that passed up a good man just because he didn't have the greatest job or wasn't in the greatest situation. I guess I always give people the benefit of the doubt to a certain point-but honestly-that needs to stop. I don't talk about how many degrees I have, I don't talk about what's in my bank account, I don't push my religious ideas and morals on somebody else. I used to just listen and decide whether they were passionate about life, in general a good person, and let that just ride. I would always wonder why and how somewhere down the line I started hearing things like "I'm not on your level", "I'm not settled like you", "I don't have it like you" because I would never bring these things up. Well, how in the blue hell did I expect any MAN not taking care of his MANLY business to fare well next to an educated, settled, strong WOMAN?

I am too smart to be this stupid, I swear.

Where is this coming from?

Well, awhile back I met a guy at my favorite hangout. Handsome? OF course...this is what leads me to hand out all the passes in the first place. I think I really am like a dude most of the time. I don't really care what a dude is talking about as long as he's going to give me what I want. I'll smile, nod, and even pretend to be interested...just get me to my happy place and it's all good.

Honesty is ugly sometimes, right?

So, we chit chat and he proceeds to tell me he is married.

This is the part where I should have departed. Nope.
BAD CHOICE #1,999, 999, 999, 834, 829, 123

He said "it's complicated". I told him right THEN that I didn't want to hear about his personal business. Here's the thing-you can tell when a married man is open to other options. IF I EVER got married, there are some things I would never deny my husband and certain ways I would never treat him-because while those women are at home thinking they taught their husband a lesson-there's a woman SOMEWHERE who intends to let their husband's know they don't have to put up with that and are willing to offer the same things. I know, because more than once I've been one of them.

Honesty-you can frown, but it is what it is.

Nothing ever really happened between me and this dude. Mostly, because him and his wife did indeed have a "situation", but he is visible hurt and still in love with his wife. So, most of our conversations were about what she did and how fed up he was. This dude is not a cheater, even though he thinks he is. He's a miserably unhappy person, and I just can not get with that.

So...I believe we had our last conversation on Saturday night. I will just transcribe word for word here.

Him: Hey you
Me: What?
Him: U busy
Me: Watching TV with my guy
Him: Oh ok...so what did ya'll do today
Me: Golfed, swam, rafted...I am exhausted.
Him: LOL that's cool
Him: I'm goin back home soon
Me: To LA?
Him: Yep
Me: Just you?
Him: Yep goin to go file for divorce at the courthouse
Me: Oh. To stay?
Him: Idk yet
Him: If I can get a car and a job I'll stay out here. Its cheap here too expensive back home I can't afford to stay at home
Me: Wow
Him: Her mom is here to visit and we was talkin outside and she told me that I'm a good father and didn't realize I did so much around the house
Him: She can't believe how lazy her daughter is she didn't raise her that way
Me: She acts that way because she can.
Him: Yep and her mom is kinda pissed off but she doesn't want to get involved
Me: Um...she shouldn't. Her daughter is grown.
Him: That's what she said
Him: If I don't do anything around the house it don't get done
Me: So then you do it eventually right? What do you think she's going to do when you are gone?
Him: Her momma has cleaned up more than she has since we moved here and her momma has only been here a week
Him: She has no choice but to do it
Him: She talks to her mom any kinda way
Me: Ok...well then that "I didn't raise her like that" line is bullshit. She tried to show her but didn't MAKE her do anything. I would die is my mom cleaned in MY house.
Me: You think that just started? I doubt it.
Him: Me too
Him: That's why her and my mom don't get along my mom was taking lip from her
Me: Your mom? She talked to YOUR mom crazy??
Him: She tried one day and that day I was about to knock her out
Him: I wish I can file here
Him: Would you miss me if I didn't come back
Me: Um...my life is not going to change if you are here or not. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just saying. It shouldn't matter anyway. You're not happy so you should do what you have to do rectify that.
Him: OK Well would like to c me stay if I was happy
Me: Again. Not life changing. Wouldn't you just like to be happy PERIOD?
Him: U tell it like it is huh?
Me: There isn't any other way. Aren't you tired of bullshit yet?
Him: Yep
Him: How did you get over J.J.
Me: Loaded question...but I wasn't about to stay with someone who didn't care about my well being...I got fed up. I forgave him, accepted responsibility for enabling him to act the way he did, took responsibility for where I was wrong, and moved on with my life. Being miserable is a choice.
Him: Ur rite so I guess you can say I'm the one to blame for allowing this shit to go on
Me: You will drive yourself crazy placing and taking blame. You both have probably been wrong a lot...you wouldn't be where you are now if that weren't true
Him: True
Him: Thank you for the talk


Yes...this crap really happens to me.

Honestly, I don't care who is at fault. Him or his wife-they are miserable people that like to be miserable.

No more married men. I have, unfortunately, said it before-but I'm not quite sure why-being who I am...I'm willing to accept a #2 spot.
Ridiculous.

So...while GOD deals with my real life problems, I think I can handle this on my own. A man is going to have to be in my tax bracket, on my spiritual enrichment plan, and able to comprehend what I do for a living. Why my standards aren't higher...I'm going to stop dwelling on it.

Onward and upward.

If I make it through this week...

Wait...let me thank the Lord NOW for the will, strength, and patience for making it through this week.

Who are you?

WHO ARE YOU?

The one with the lines I've heard
a million times
That might just be a little straighter
than the usual kind.


WHO ARE YOU?

The one with the eyes that smile
behind the stare
The one with eyes that glaze over
in front of the glare.


WHO ARE YOU?

That laugh is so full, but
full of joy?
The happiness so perfect
Or is it a sick ploy??



WHO ARE YOU?

The things you say
all seem right
But are you just talking
Til day turns to night?

WHO ARE YOU?

You know I've heard
this all before
The normal "I'm giving you less
but I'll talk like it's more".

WHO ARE YOU?

I know who I am
Why do you seem surprised?
Is it because I see through
your sorry disguise?

WHO ARE YOU?

Do you honestly think these
things I need to hear??
All this flattery is tired
Your end time is near.

WHO ARE YOU?

Might you actually have
some semblance of sense?
Might you actually be
worthy of MY presence?

WHO ARE YOU?

Do you mean what you say
and say what you mean?
Are you talking, hearing, and
not just being seen?

WHO ARE YOU?

Do you actually KNOW who
you are dealing with?
Is the level I'm on a reality to you
And not just wish?

WHO ARE YOU?

Might you actually be worth
my time and attention??
Might you actually be worth
a first name mention?

WHO ARE YOU?

It seems I have too many
questions to ask
Shouldn't the answers have been
clear in the facts?

WHO ARE YOU?

How come I don't know
who you are?
Upset cause I don't care
that you drive a nice car?

WHO ARE YOU?

Why are the things you focus
on so worthless to me?
Is it possible that you are in
fact worth less than you think?

WHO ARE YOU?

Fooled again by a nice,
big pretty smile?
Doesn't this rejection get
old after awhile??

WHO ARE YOU?

And why did you think
you qualified for ME.
Are you looking for a woman
or girl with mentality equal to 3.

WHO AM I?

Oh, let me answer this
question for you.
The woman with a purpose
with no time for fools.

WHO AM I?

Plain to see, I think-
not hard to read.
You see correctly, the grass
on this side is green.

WHO AM I?

If you have to ask, I'm
not sure I want to tell
You can't handle this brain
Can't comprehend too well

WHO AM I?

Just walk down and wonder
it's for the best.
Dream about the real women
Go play with the rest.

WHO AM I?

A question to be posed when
the following is true:
You can answer when I ask-
WHO ARE YOU??

**SLAP**

I received this in an e-mail today...I can not add or discuss. Still wiping the egg off of my face.

Posted here to slap you in yours!

THE RIGHT ONE
First we must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking. And
second, the decision for a mate must be made on a spiritual and intellectual
basis before it's made on an emotional one."What about love? Shouldn't that be
the third? you ask. No, and I'll tell you why. "The heart is deceitful above all
things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9).The heart is
willful and is driven by its own agenda. It does not consider things rationally
and intelligently it just loves to love! Therefore you have to point it in the
right direction: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well spring of
life" (Proverbs 4:23)!Whenever you meet a man, you need to get clearance from
God, check out his attributes, and then allow your heart to engage.Dating exists
not for mating; it exists for collecting data. I believe that the biblical
design would be friendship, courtship and then marriage.Friendship is two people
walking together in agreement and accountability, learning and growing
together.Courtship follows the mutual agreement to commit to one another
exclusively - it is the decisive turning toward the agreed-upon goal of the
marriage altar. It is a period of laying a foundation and preparing your life
together after marriage.But dating? Well, if you do date, use the time wisely to
gather these facts.1. Check out the fabric. Is the person mate material? Does
this man have an intimate relationship with the Father through Jesus Christ?
Does he care what God thinks about his behavior? Is he accountable to God as
well as another co-laborer in the faith? Accountability is an important factor.
It is imperative to maintaining a committed relationship. Is your potential
spouse a member of the same family - the family of God?You need to have common
interests and values and agree on the essentials of living day to day. You have
a similar spiritual walk. You eat the same spiritual diet. You enjoy a lot of
similar things. You have like interests, like goals in life, like opinions on
basic life issues.You have had like experiences in your background. Though there
is some truth to the idiom that opposites attract, like-minded folks fare better
together.Furthermore, does he want to get married? If you want to be married and
your dreamboat isn't interested, don't waste your time.Remember, women fall in
love and get married. Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note
the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious,
take his words seriously. If he's not going in your direction, get off the bus
and wait for the right one.2. Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The
man who is right for you will pursue you, and God's hand in the relationship
will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends.Scripture says: "He who
finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Proverbs
18:22).Note -who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time,
God has transported men and women across the world in order to put them
together.
At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that man on the scene and
he will find you. In God's perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his
mate. Adam has no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib. You do not
need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don't have to help a guy out
because he's shy!Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly
want. The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in
his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he
is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not
interested.Many a woman's mother has suggested that it is a good idea to marry a
man who loves you more than you love him. As cold as that sounds, it actually
might be scriptural if you stop to think about it: "We love him because he first
loved us" (1 John 4:19). Until then, take the ultimate chill pill. You don't
need a bunch of men in your life to make you feel all right about yourself.You
need only one man - your man, the one God has selected to select you. And trust
me, the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any
time. So trust God's timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit
pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again - WAIT until the man voices his
intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may
have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of
the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you - this is your first act
of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us
first. And they should lead the relationship .3. The man in your life should not
desire to move into your house, only into your heart . A man who prepares for
your future has made his intentions clear. A man who is husband material has the
means to take care of a wife. He is a responsible human being who understands he
needs to have something to offer. In short, a man should have the means to be a
suitable lover for you.4. Check out his buddies. Everyone knows birds of the
same feather flock together, yet most women fail to see the connection between a
man and his friends. A man's pals tell you a lot about the person that you
haven't seen yet. They reveal things about the guy's character that might be
hidden when he is on good behavior. Everyone knows how to put his best foot
forward. Don't stay focused on the foot, check out the rest of the body!5. Check
out his relationship with his mother. How does he treat her? This is your
preview of how he will treat you. There are lots of men who, because of a
negative relationship with their mothers, really don't like women, yet say they
do. Unresolved issues between mother and son continue between husband and
wife.6. Remember that a man's family reveals the cloth from which he's cut. Take
note and decide whether you want your future with the man in your life to look
like his present family situation.7. Check out the patterns of his life. Do you
see repeated cycles of drama in his personal kingdom? Broken relationships?
Problems in making commitments --including the job market? Mood swings? Is a
problem always someone else's fault? Does he embrace responsibility or shirk it?
Does he keep his promises? Is he a man of good reputation? Remember all garments
look wonderful hanging in the store, but with wear, some begin to unravel. Give
yourself time and space to check out the man in your life. Time will always
reveal whether or not he is made of the right stuff.8. Does this man have a
vision for his life? Is he running with that vision? Remember, God decided Adam
needed help once Adam got busy DOING his assignment. As we saw Adam, a man
doesn't need help until he is busy doing what he was created and called to do.
Is the man in your life guided by sense of destiny and purpose, or does he just
allow life to happen around him? A man who is not certain of his mission can be
a most miserable person - and you'll be miserable too if you know where YOU want
to go in life.A man who has vision is not intimidated by a woman whose mission
statement is clear. He will be your best ally, cheerleader and assistant because
he wants you both to make it! A man who cannot be supportive of your
achievements because he is floundering in a sea of uncertainty over his own life
is not a healthy partner to have and to hold forever.Creating dependencies or
feelings of obligation is not the way to get the best out of your man. Somewhere
along the way, he will resent you and flee from the smothering burden of
obligation he associates you with. You want a man who is firmly anchored in his
identity in Christ. Remember, we are looking for a man who will be priest and
leader of his home. His first instinct should be to want to cover you, redeem
you, and provide for you. Your job is to decide if this is the man God has
ordained for you to complement.9. Complimentary. Do your talents and gifts
complement his? Do his gifts, compliment yours? What about your temperaments? Do
you see the two of you as an effective team capable of bringing blessing to the
lives of those around you? Do your futures mesh? Can you coordinate your gifts
in an attractive and effective way?This is why knowing your purpose is so
important. Make sure your hearts beat for mutual causes. When I go shopping I
always consider the fabric, the fit and what I already have in my closet. Will
my next purchase be a complimentary addition to what I already have? If I find
that I am going to have to buy shoes and matching accessories to go with a new
outfit, I leave it right on the rack. It is too expensive a proposition. If the
man you meet makes you feel that you need to completely reinvent yourself,
something is wrong.This is where I ask you to consider the relationship in terms
of cost. Is this relationship expensive spiritually, emotional or physically?
Does your longing for a mate make you willing to forfeit who you are in the
process? Or does he see you as the gift that you are? The man in your life
should consider you a rare find, a priceless jewel-because of you he is getting
ready to get blessed big-time! Any relationship that causes you to feel
unworthy, unlovely, unacceptable, undesirable or that you have to work for love,
is too expensive!God has called the man to cover, protect and provide not only
materially for a woman, but emotionally and spiritually as well. You should be
richer in mind, body and spirit for your union with the man of your dreams. The
man in your life should make rich deposits into your heart and spirit, not
withdrawals .10. Does he have a healthy love and acceptance of himself? Make
sure the man in your life has taken time to heal from past relationships and has
made peace with himself. How he cares for himself is how he will care for you. A
man's relationship with God is crucial here. His love for himself will only be
as strong as his love for God. This is not something that you can impart. You
cannot be his savior or teacher. That is out of spiritual order. In his rightful
place as your personal priest, he should be leading you to a richer relationship
with Christ.If he is causing you to compromise your faith and destabilize your
walk, if he is leading you into sexual sin or causing you to be distracted from
your commitment to God, the relationship is too expensive. Offending the Lover
of your soul, who promises you eternal love, is too high a fare to pay for a
ride that has a limited run. If you and your man can't soar in the Spirit, when
the force of your love for another is tested by the pull or gravity of the
world, your union will not be able to survive.So you decide. How much is your
life worth? How much is your love worth? You will be able to accept only what
you believe you deserve. God himself calculated the worth of your love and
decided it was worth His life. He now pledges you His love for eternity. Yes,
Jesus sets the example for all others to follow when He paid a ransom for His
bride. Should you expect less from a mortal man? Throughout the Biblical age,
men were willing to pay the cost for what they truly desired. The truth of the
matter is everyone knows that anything worth having, costs and no one gets a
ride in this life for free.Our prayer:Dear Heavenly Father God,I confess that I
have not always been as careful as I should've been with my heart. From time to
time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my heart in the wrong hands. I
now commit my heart into Your hands for safekeeping. Please help me to stop
being so impulsive with what you deem so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your
love for me, let me learn from Your example what a bridegroom should really be
like. Help me to never settle for less than what you desire for me. As I embrace
You as the Lover of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart.
As I rest in Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach
me.
I ask that You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You
know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from
all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me
to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize
him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to typecast the men I
meet according to what I see. Help me to trust in Your knowledge and lean not on
my own understanding. I know that you know what is best for me; therefore I
yield to Your choice. In Jesus' Name. Amen.Ladies this is something you should
definitely share with a friend, whether you are single or married... It is
something to think about, when you ask is "He" the one!

The Death of the Hater...

At the request of a very dear friend, we are going to have to put to death the term "HATER" and more specifically the saying "Let your haters be your motivators".

I concur...

Let's discuss...

If you are a person that can not stand to see other people do well and try to degrade them in any way possible and find some negativity in what they are doing-this used to be called hating.

Let's be real. You actually are not a hater! You are a pilgrim. Because in all actuality, what you have done is settled for the circumstances in your life. You have decided that instead of trying to get out of your settlement, you'll just make everything seem as pitiful as you. So hater has been retired-but no worries-you CAN MOVE off of Plymouth Rock!!

If you are a person that thinks that every man/woman isn't about anything and thus you find faults in all the men/women that the people around you have in their lives and point out all the bad things and REFUSE to celebrate the good things-this used to be called hating.

CONGRATS AGAIN! You are NOT a hater-you are lonely. Point. Blank. Period. Katt Williams said it best..."You need to find out what it is about YOU". I am 99.9% sure that the men/women in your life have very many things in common and the most common denominator is YOU. Why can I call you on this? Cause I have a knack for giving out passes to men that don't even deserve a spot on ANY team. I'm not judging you-all I'm saying is it might be time to start looking for something different. It might be time to stop thinking that nobody has anything to tell you and listen to them. It might be time to step out of your comfort zone and realize what you thought was good for you isn't good for anybody. If all your friends think every man/woman you bring around isn't good enough for you-they aren't judgmental. You are not judgmental ENOUGH.
Loneliness is not a permanent status-but it can be a permanent mentality-which will lead to a permanent status if you don't CHANGE that mentality.

And please note-I am practicing what I preach!

If you are a person that thinks that everybody you see is too fat, too skinny, too ugly, too tall, too short, not fashionable enough, not perky enough, too perky, etc. etc. etc. and you can NEVER find anything nice to say...this could be called Hater activity.

Truth of the matter is, you are not quick witted, you don't have a good sense of humor, you aren't funny...you are insecure. If there is never anything nice to be said about ANYBODY else-chances are you can't bear the reflection in your mirror. Don't get me wrong, we all have pointed a finger and laughed and giggled...but a lot of us can look at someone and say "WOW, HE/SHE has it going on!" If you can't do that...you're not a hater. You're insecure. And chances are, you are old enough to fix whatever it is about you that you don't like. Insecurity is not permanent, ugliness is. But there's makeup for the outside kind...the inside kind takes a spiritual makeover.

Now, for those of you "letting your haters be your motivators"...this is fine as long as you aren't saying it 100,000 times a day! As a matter of fact, if you've said it more than once this week-chances are they don't motivate you at all-they have you perplexed as to why they hate you in the first place. See definitions of lonely, insecure, and pilgrim above.

So let's stop calling each other "HATERS" and let's call it how it is. Chances are, nobody cares enough to hate you. The things that people see in you are only things that they first recognized in themself. We all just aren't honest enough to admit that.

When someone is negative about everything...I can call it out because I used to find it hard to find anything good about my life.

Thank God for grace.

When someone is complaining about relationship issues...I recognize that loneliness because I'll be the first one to tell you I have relationship/commitment/attachment ISSUES. I just don't let it control me as much as it used to.

I'm still working on me.

When someone can't see the beauty in someone else...I recognize that insecurity because I battled mine for years-I just didn't let those thoughts come out my mouth. I recognize it because I was successful in being able to cover up my insecurities with the other confidences I had in myself and realized that those were the things people always put down. And I realize they "hated" it in me, because they wanted it for themselves.

There is room for plenty of fabulous people.

At the end of the day-what people say about you shouldn't affect you unless you question the same things. In that case-pose the question and find a solution to your problem. Just because a million people think you are worth a million bucks doesn't mean you have a cent in the bank account of YOU.

So, death to the "HATER".

Look in the mirror and value YOU. What you see in other people that you don't like...how does your opinion change their life? And if deep down you have to open your mouth to say something bad about someone else to make yourself feel better...just try to be a better you. Forgive yourself, if you don't-nobody else can. Love yourself-if you don't-nobody else can. Nobody can love you any more than you love yourself. So, I know ya'll love me A LOT! Don't NOBODY love Monica more than Monica, except for Christ himself and thank God for his love, grace, AND mercy!! When you realize how much God loves you in SPITE of who you are, how can you not give him reverence in doing the same.

The world is a very big place...I can't be fabulous by myself and I am surely flawed. There's plenty of room for everybody that wants to enjoy the ride instead of complaining that your seatbelt is too tight!

Dedicated to the "YOU"s that know who they are. I love you guys!

Blame it on the rain...or the fool that got you here

I have been trying to get my head around all the thoughts in my head and put them down in some type of cohesive matter, but that isn't going to happen. You may not be able to follow-these are the thoughts in my head and I'm just going to put them down as they come up. Good luck! :-)

Settling is for pilgrims, we've been through this right? Does God put people around you that went through the same things you have been through to show you how damn stupid you were? Or does he do it so you can really reflect on how many people tried to tell you to do something and you didn't listen? So many educated, beautiful, strong women around me settling for some straight up BULL. I mean I am SO guilty of listening to someone's bull, knowing it was bull, but giving the benefit of the doubt anyway-but I just can't hardly bear to watch it as a spectator. And personally, I have been looking at myself and wondering WHY did I put up with the bull I did. Recently, I have reconnected with a couple of ex-acquaintances and if it was possible to whoop my own ass, I certainly would.

I mean honestly, Did I really, REALLY send a box of what nots to Iraq EVERY week? Hoping and praying for a safe return, and secretly hoping me and this married fool could be together?
Yes I did.

Did I REALLY forgive him when he came back from Iraq and moved in across the street from an adopted big sister of mine WITH another chick, and STILL let this man have his way with me?
Guilty as charged.

Did this fool really come into town, not speak three words to me, and now pretending like shit is fine? YES HE DID. Why? Because that's that shit that they call bull that I would have put up with before. That's the treatment that I put up with for years as acceptable as LONG as I got a few minutes with his body.

Pitiful. Completely fucking desperate and pitiful.

AND...did I really start talking to a dude that could make me laugh cause he could make me laugh? NO job, NO career, CRIMINAL RECORD, NO damn hope for making it day to day except for the clothes I put on his back, the shoes I put on his feet, the money I put in his pocket... because he had a big dick and was funny.

Oh, yeah. Guilty AGAIN.

And I really started talking to this fool again? Did he say he wanted to get on boyfriend status? And THANK GOD for divine intervention when this fool sent me a text message talking about "I have enough gas to get down to your house, but not enough to get back-so I can take a raincheck or...?" OR WHAT? Or Monica can get her head out of her ass and realize that you are the same sorry-ass, punk-ass, broke-ass negro that you were before-but at least you're funny.

I really have outdone myself.

WHY, OH WHY on earth was I entertaining a depressed ass married man whose wife told him that the dog was more important than him? If she feels that way, what the hell am I listening for. Take your broken ass heart and try to get in good with the dog. At least if the dog likes you, you might have a chance to stick around.


OH YES...see, I have ROOM to talk. I have experienced ENOUGH to spot a no-good, no-good-intentions having negro. I can sniff them out. Hell, I've started thinking anybody I'm attracted to I should stay away from because I'm an equal opportunity sorry ass negro employing bitch. APPLY HERE, APPLY HERE, ALL ENTRIES WELCOME. I am so disgusted.

So my advice to my fellow women...If I say a negro ain't no good...run FAST. I apparently can't pick out the mildly sorry ones...but if I can pick out a sorry man-you better get gone because if he doesn't meet MY standards his ass is pitiful.


UGH...


Why doesn't money grow on trees? Why is it that I make ten times more than I ever have, but I'm mor broke than I've ever been? I guess I'll thank God for having problems like financing houses and things.

UGH...

And because of those sorry ass men I gave passes to, is it now true that I have someone standing in front of me...with all the right intentions, with all the right things to say, with the right things going on in life, and because I am so exhausted from putting in work to negro's that didn't deserve an ounce of my attention-now I don't WANT to put in the work to even trying to make this work? Am I trying to self destruct and find reasons why it won't work? Am I relating this to my last relationship because I don't want to end up hurt the same way or because it IS actually the same thing? Is it the same because I picked wrong again, or is it the same because now God is trying to show me what's right? Has he not contacted me as much because he's busy? Is it because he realizes he's not as interested? Or is it because he can sense that I'm trying to throw his ass out before he even really steps foot into the door? Is it true that I'm not even considering my right now feelings, but choosing to remember the way I FELT when I had everything then nothing? Is it possible that I can see so easily how I could love him, but won't let myself get any closer to that emotion?

All true. Guilty...of all of it.


God will work it all out. He knows the outcome, he knows the answer, he knows my questions, he will give me my answers and all he wants me to do is believe.

All I want to do is run.

All he wants me to do is be still.

All I want is for my mind to be still.

All he wants me to do is believe.

All I want to believe is that I know what's best for me.

All he wants me to know is he knows what's best for me.

All I want him to know is that I'd like an e-mail, a certified letter, or an announcement from heaven to know what that is.

I'm just saying.


UGH.

Dear ________,

Sometimes, it's not even worth it to expend the energy on someone to tell them how you really feel. But what better place to do it than here. Understand, there are not really any hard feelings or pent up frustrations-it just came to me in a moment when someone I don't give two pieces of a care about was trying to justify their actions on something I don't even care about anymore.

So to all my "blanks"...you don't even deserve name recognition-but hey-you get a shout out in my blog anyway!

Dear ____,
You are an asshole. When you get lonely in the desert, find a friend that cares only about what you look like and nothing of how you actually feel. When you get lonely in real life and realize that there was somebody willing to put your needs first-just hang my picture up. That's all the access you will ever have to me again.

Thanks for your timely exit.
Happy Travels.

Dear ____,
It amuses me to no end that I know you are walking around on this planet thinking that you ruined my life, and/or that I am torn to pieces. I'd like to happily report that your pitiful existence was the best spot removal process I have ever performed on my life. I hope the ratings go up in the soap opera life you live. If nothing else, at least the soundtrack will be great.

Thanks for the big crescendo at the end.
CUT!


Dear ____,
If all the things you ever said were true, I believe I would probably shit gumballs and drink from the strawberry soda fountains floating in the air. I'm sorry I ever led you to believe I actually did believe your bull. It wasn't nice of me, and for that I apologize. In nine years, hopefully I will get to forget that you breathe-but until then, I'll keep it kosher. Take care.

In your free time, maybe you could figure out a way to be a full time person and only a part-time failure.
TOUCHDOWN!


Dear ____,

If nothing else, I'm glad to know that you did at one time have a good friend. I hope you find another. I hope you find a hobby, a purpose, a backbone, and at some point, YOURSELF. If I ever become a user, hopefully I can find someone like you that gives without any requirements for giving back.

You actually are a great person. I just hope you realize you're worth more than the bullshit you don't even ask to get paid for.


Dear ____,
In my darkest hour, on my worst day, in my last second...you will still not be 1/1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000th of the woman that I am. Stop trying.
Thanks for playing, though.


Dear ____,
If I pretend like you don't exist, will you disappear? You know how every once in awhile a normal person gets the chance to entertain a star? That's what happened to you. Your 15 minutes are way overdue-don't you have a life to pretend like you have?
COFFEE BREAK!


Dear ____,
You are a fine piece of meat, yes you are. But if I had to work with what you got-I'd leave your ass too. Your wife isn't a bitch-she's a damn patient woman, or a lesbian since she's basically bumping uglies with you.
ATTENTION PENIS...the rest of the body is at 33 yrs old...please catch up from 3 months!
Are you sure those kids are yours?


Dear ____,
Listen, I see through your tiny little disposition. You are a hater, tried and true, and I know what you really got going on. If I was jumping off with everyone that I could, I'd be insecure about my marriage, life, self, and everything else too. You can hate on me if it makes you feel better about the things that you do. But uh, I'm not married, not desperate, not ugly, not confused about who I am...so this might be a frustrating task for you.


Dear Reader,

Please don't think that I hate any one of these people. They have showed me things in themselves that I want to be sure I never take on for myself. They have showed me how ugly things can get when you are any one of these people, and I am so thankful for the lessons that they have shared by example. They can all change, they can all do better, they can all be better. But until they get there-they can't ever say they didn't get a shout out for the time period that they sucked at life!!

The American Dream

The American Dream
used to be
SUCCESS
through hard work
WEALTH
through working hard
FAME
by doing something
Worth being known
for.

The Golden rule
used to mean
Do unto others as
YOU
would have
THEM
Do unto
YOU
Respect of self
and one
another.

Happiness did at one
time equal
just being
HAPPY
with out strings
ATTACHED
to the
CONDITION
of being
HAPPY
because we didn't
need things for
happiness.

LOVE was at one
time the
act of actually
LOVING
without
STATUS
without
CONDITION
without
LOVING
first who one
is but what
they have in their
heart.

SADNESS once was
a time
for you to see
WHO
was there
HOW
to heal
WHO
had you
when you got
to a point so
low.

Friendship used
to include
those who were
FRIENDS
at all
TIMES
in all
SITUATIONS
for all
OCCASIONS
in all that
you did you
were never
alone.

Time has deemed
that all things
that used to
BE
have lost
MEANING
have lost
DEPTH
and are
EMPTY
in emotion
in doing
in being
anything.

The American Dream
is now to
do the very
LEAST
but get the
MOST
for
NOTHING
that you
don't deserve
any credit
for.

The Golden Rule
now dull
means to do for
YOU
and
YOU
and
OTHERS
when they
are necessary
in your fake
happiness.

Happiness now
is equal
to acting
HAPPY
with out feeling
ATTACHED
to emptiness with the
CONDITION
that you act
HAPPY
because you can't
remember what
really is your
happiness.

Love is mostly
pretending
that you are actually
LOVING
pretending not to notice
STATUS
completely contingent on
CONDITION
and nothing to do with
LOVING
anything except
the mirage of something
that doesn't exist in your empty
heart.

Sadness replaces love
all the time
until you realize
WHO
you are
HOW
you got here
WHO
doesn't care
and how you can
make it back
up from being so
low.

Friendship is void
of anyone
you actually call
FRIENDS
because at all
TIMES
in all
SITUATIONS
in all
OCCASIONS
you now
realize that you
are always
alone.

Time has won
because it goes on
and who we used to
BE
has no
MEANING
has no
DEPTH
but is not
EMPTY
because it goes on
It goes forward
as we should in
anything.

And Time defines
your DREAM
your RULE
your HAPPINESS
your LOVE
your SADNESS
your FRIENDSHIP
so you must
take them back
as time goes forward
before you lose
everything.

Your American DREAM
should RULE
your HAPPINESS
shine on your LOVE
deal with your SADNESS
define your FRIENDSHIP
as you take YOU back
let time go FORWARD
and never lose
your
something.

A love letter to my son...

I'm not sure where to start
I'm not sure this will ever end
But I know my life wasn't complete
Until the day that yours began

You have grown into your own person
Full of your own hopes and dreams
You give me joy, you give me light
You gave me the very best part of me

Your wisdom is beyond your years
Your insight sometimes that of a grown man
Your faith takes all my worries away
You already know with Him, you CAN.

Through your eyes, I see a whole new world
Through your heart I can love so much more
With you beside me in all that I do
I don't know how I did it before.

The unconditional love for me
Even though my standard is high
You seem to know that I have that same love for you
Even when we're not in strong "like"!

The way you pour out your little heart
Has shown me it is in no way small
The way you care for every person you meet
The way you see with no boundaries, no walls...

God has blessed you with such amazing gifts
I will never take credit for any of those
Your love, your compassion, your talent, your path-
It is you, not I, that he chose.

The way you take it all before God
And let it go and know it is done
The faith, the hope, the love in your heart
You are blessed, amazing little one.

No money could ever give me this wealth
That I have achieved just having your love
Nothing could ever have made my life better
You don't even know all that you've done.

I told you that my lingering hope
is for you to be BETTER than me
And you asked, "Mommy, you are the best...
I don't think I could EVER be!"

You're sentiment, so endearing, yet so untrue
The world is yours to have at your feet
You are already better than I, my son
A heart and soul, so pure-so sweet.

You see, I would not be all that I am
Had I never been blessed with you
You give me renewed inspiration every day
A purpose in everything that I do.

My greatest fear is to let you down
To not measure up to who you deserve
To not be the role model you need in your life
To fail to return all that love.

All I can do is try my best
Teach you as well as I know now
I might not always be right everytime
But God will never let you down.

Do not ever put your trust in man
Even I, though I hope not to, will fail
The problem is not a problem for God
He will show you he always prevails.

And when you feel you have failed yourself
My son, don't ever look back
I'm not here to remind you of what you didn't do
I'm here to help you stay on track.

No words could ever correctly describe
The love in my heart for you
Not millions of hugs, kisses, or custom handshakes
Could show you the absolute truth.

I've never known a love like this
I'll be here to catch you should you ever fall.
You are the very best thing that I have
You are my love, my life, my ALL.

I hear you talking...

Girl-You got it all together for yourself
You got goals, dreams, and a vision so right
I just need to fit in to all of that
I need to feel like a part of your life

I hear you talking those words so sweet
You can serve bullshit, but I don't have to eat.

Girl-you are everything a man could ask for
You are everything anyone could want
I know I have a situation, and all
But despite my wife-it's all you...no front!

I hear you talking all the time
Same old story, same tired ass lines

Girl-how come you do so much with your friends
Why can't we do those things with each other?
I just want you, I need you-all of the time
They're just lonely haters-WE are together

I hear you talking about things you don't know
But when times get hard...where did YOU go?

Girl-I'm just trying to do my thing, you know?
I need a little support and a helping hand
I need you two hundred percent!
I'll pay you back threefold, when I can.

I hear you talking with not a dime to lend
But you want ME to be your personal ATM?

Girl-Don't listen to any of that nonsense you hear
It's all lies probably started by chicks from my past
They just don't want us to be happy
They know you and I are going to last.

I hear you talking about the birds of the feather,
But didn't you, with THEM, use to flock together?

Girl-that chick is CRAZY, I'm all stressed out
Baby Mama Drama you know how it is!
All she wants is my money or me
But all I want is to do right by my kids

I hear you talking-but why do you hate her now?
Doing right by your kids is putting her down?

Girl, why do we need to get married
You know you are my number one
Things are good, we are legit
A piece of paper will take away all the fun!

I hear you talking about what you think is right
But if I'm your one and ONLY, I should be your WIFE.

I hear you talking, believe me I hear
I hear you saying what's inside of you
Painting a picture so clearly
of You, the fool.

I hear you talking, the stories you tell
Original to you I'm sure YOU believe
But I've heard it all before
Same story, different lead.

I hear you talking, the things you say
I know I'm supposed to be so touched
I am, Oh I am-more than you know
So much so that I've had ENOUGH.

I hear from you, and you, and you
Same old stories just different day
I hear you talking, and you, and you
Too bad you just don't have NOTHING to SAY.

Of Course

Of course you are amazing

Simply the best

I could ever

Imagine

For me.

Of course you are the only one

How could I

Not save myself

Just

For you.

Of course I know that I am

Busy all the

Time with all

the "things"

I do.

Of course I'll have

time

One day for

You to come

and do

what you do.

Of course I think about

You all day

and all night

even when

Not with you.

Of course I want to

spend more time

getting to know

about you

and who you are.

Of course I know it

seems that I

don't know all

I should

but I do care.

Of course...

Of course...

Can you hold on while

I take this other

call-Sure to

be

business, of course...

Hello?

Hi...

Of course I was waiting

for you

to call me. I was

just handling some

business.

Of course I was missing

you and hoping

you would

call me soon

to talk to me.

Can you hold on
while I handle this
other call?
Of course it is
business...

Of course...

Of course...

Hello?

Hi...

Listen, you know I

just have to

handle this

call. Of course it's

business...

Of course I am missing
you and hoping
you will
see me soon
I'll get back with you.

Of course I'll call

you back at

the first

chance I get

when I get a moment.

Of course...

Of course...

Hello?

Hi...

Are you calling

because you are

on your way

to come

see me now?

Of course I want to

know about your

day and all

you did

today.

Of course you know

that I only have

a few moments

to spare

but I will for you.

Of course you should

just be on your way

and we'll talk

more

when you get here.

Of course I've been

waiting all week

to see you since

it's been so long

since I had time.

Of course I'd love to

get out but you know

I have so much

with so little

time.

Of course its just better

to spend private time

together so we don't

waste time out

together.

Of course...

Of course...

Of course you know my phone might ring-all business, of course...

Of course you know I might have to text while you're here-just business, of course...

Of course I'm listening to you. Yes I care, of course....

Of course I care about your life right now, of course...

Of course you are the only one right here, right now that I care about, of course...

Of course you know I'll be busy for awhile-business, of course...

Of course I can only make time for you-when not handling my business, of course...

Of course you are special to me right now...

Of course...

Of course...

Of course.

The Closed Door...

Keith,

It's been almost one month since you passed away. I have started this so many times-but I couldn't bring myself to finish until I realized I need to let it go.

Every morning I walk in this building, and as I get ready to go to my desk the closed door of your office reminds me that you're not here. There isn't a day that goes by that you aren't somehow brought up in conversation among us regarding work or personal lives-but it shows me that you were an important friend and mentor to all of us.

I remember when you first got diagnosed with Cancer. You wouldn't look me in the eye and I thought something was strange. You kept having closed door meetings with Larry and we all thought Larry was getting ready to retire!! I wish that's what it was. The day you brought us all together to tell us of the cancer that they found in your body was a terrible day for me. I'm sorry I had nothing to say. I'm sorry that I couldn't show you right then how important you were to me. I knew that you were watching me and watching my reaction. To see you almost break down tore me up on the inside, but I thought if I broke down too it would be too much for you. So I simply walked past you and left you the card I put in your box that day.

Your will to live amazed me. The times we got to see each other and it was YOU lifting my spirits always left me in awe of the person you were. It made me want to try harder, to work harder, to let you know there was nothing here for you to worry about. I never felt like I could fill your shoes but I wanted you to be worry free about what was going on at work.

In my heart, I knew you'd never come back to work. But, I was hoping that you would have time to spend with your family and realize that there were more important things in life than a "job".

Keith, you are the most important mentor I have ever had in my life. You believed in me at a time I wasn't sure anybody would. You gave me a voice in a company where I never thought I'd ever be relevant. And I know you would say you didn't give me anything-that I just realized my full potential. I will never EVER forget your words. I will never EVER forget your encouragement, I will never EVER forget how much you believed in me, and I hope that I never let you down.

At your memorial service, your daughter spoke of the things you instilled in her and your son. And my heart was so full because those were the things you taught me too. This with the assurance from Larry that "He liked you a lot, a whole lot" made me feel close to you.

I thank God that the last time I saw you I was led to tell you how I really felt. I'm glad I got to tell you how much I missed you being here and how much I actually respected you as a boss and loved you as a person. I don't know if I could live with that regret. I'm glad that I had an opportunity to make you smile, and I'm glad we shared laughter.

For some time, I've felt like I shouldn't still be grieving. But I think it speaks to the person you are. You changed my life. You provided me an opportunity in life to make my life better and in turn make my son's life better and I will be eternally grateful for that more than you can ever know. I hope you knew how important you are to me. I hope you knew what a difference you made in my life. I hope you knew how important our friendship was to me.

The closed door reminds me that you aren't here...

but you will live in my open heart now and forever.

I can't pay you back, but I will do my best to pay what you taught me forward.

Thank you for what you did for me.

Thank you for believing in me.

Thank you.

Looking in my Mirror

I've been trying to piece together my thoughts on Michael Jackson since the day that he passed.

I was in disbelief. I was completely heartbroken. Now, I might not have been as vocal a fan of Michael Jackson as others-but that's not my nature. As I've gotten older I haven't talked much about Michael because it always brought unwanted opinions, unwanted jokes, unwanted negativity that I had no desire to be a part of.

There are a few real ARTISTS that I have always been determined to implant in my son's musical tastes and how could Michael Jackson NOT be one of them. When they started playing the video montage's of Michael and the Jackson 5, I realized I had done him no justice. My son was mesmerized by Michael. He stayed up all night watching videos. Waking me up to ask me if I knew that Thriller was a "movie-mini". Yes, son. Waking me up again to tell me Man in the Mirror-a longtime favorite song of his-was on because he had never seen the video. Yes, son. Waking me up to tell me he had rewound the Heal the World performance and put it on the DVR and now knew the harmony. Good for you, son. Waking me up again to say "Michael Jackson was a handsome young man but look at JANET JACKSON in this video". Yes, son. And one last time before I went to bed to let me know "Michael really did bridge the gap for a lot of styles of music, Mommy". Yes, son. Still in this day and age, Michael is still magic to a generation in the making. He is the soundtrack to many generations...he is the theme music for HOPE.

It didn't hit me until I watched my son rocking back and forth to Man in the Mirror, and he looked at me with his big brown eyes and said "Mommy, he knew a little change in some of us could make a big change for all of us". And that's when the tears came. My nine year old, always speaking so plainly but always speaking something I need to hear. I'm always so thankful that it seems his voice is the voice of MY reason, MY blessings, what needs to be the reflection in MY mirror.

When he asked me what Michael did wrong, I had no desire and felt it unnecessary to explain the details to him. I told him that in my heart, I know Michael Jackson would never hurt a child. I do believe he did some things that were inappropriate for an adult to do-but not maliciously. I asked him if he could imagine a life where he couldn't go to school, couldn't play sports, couldn't do ANYTHING but make sure EVERYTHING he did was to please the millions of eyes on him. Most of us can't do right only in the eyes of God...could we be responsible for nations?? As I listen to Michael's pleas to help children around the world, to make ways to end suffering, it just breaks my heart that he couldn't save the child suffering the most-himself.

What Michael Jackson did for music will never, ever be achieved by another musician alive today-that's what I believe. He was not just an okay singer that could dance...he was not just a pretty face that could kind of carry a note, but had enough drama to create a little star power...he was not just a wanna-be artist who had mastered a computer program and could manipulate other people's songs to make it kind of his own. He was an ARTIST. A complete ARTIST. I think the biggest tragedy is that the events of his life prevented him from working with any other artist to share that talent, that vision, that MAGIC.

But his biggest accomplishment is how much he gave. I can't even comprehend the amount of love and compassion he poured out from his heart to help so many people. He set a shining example for so many people. The reminder of the example that he set for other artists, people, philanthropists, and others just makes me feel like I didn't appreciate him enough when he was here. Even if I was never to meet him-he should have been held up as a higher example.

Watching his memorial made me laugh, cry, and remember how his songs touched my life. And then I think if it touched my life like that-I can only imagine what he has done for other people. Watching his daughter extend her love to her father made me remember that we are all capable of doing so much more than we do-there are just very few of us who are willing to put ourselves out there to maximize our potential.

Listening to his music today makes me feel like I loved his music because of him, and I loved the songs because of him, but they never truly penetrated my heart, my mind, and my soul as a trinity. I am looking in my mirror, and I know that's where the change has to start.

"A little change in some of us could make a big change for all of us"
It's not the first time my son has said this...it's just the first time I really heard him.

One of the first songs I taught my son to harmonize to was "You are not alone".


And I'm not.

The Things I Will Never Do...Again.

Recently, I have found that it is interesting, sometimes liberating-sometimes suffocating, but interesting to look at your own life with renewed perspective. Looking back on the past few months, I'm just amazed at the roller coaster of emotions I've been on, but this reflection isn't bad. I feel like I've been on this ride before, but now I'm riding with my seatbelt on expecting the ups and downs instead of holding on for dear life hoping that I don't fall out.



It's hard to wrap my head around all the thoughts and put them together cohesively because there's so much. It's amazing how much breadth and freedom PEACE gives to you. There was a time when I wouldn't have been able to process barely one thing at a time because every piece of me was in turmoil. And now I understsand-PEACE that surpasses all understanding. How thankful I am that every single unexpected turn now invokes a smile and a "Thank you Jesus", instead of tears and terror. How thankful I am that every obstacle that comes my way makes me glow because I'm amazed that God is still yet making me better. And when I make mistakes now, instead of pretending like I don't know better or don't care-I feel the error right away. I am only human-but I am so much more in tune with ME.



Now on the subject of mistakes-I've made a couple that I'm not necessarily proud of, not necessarily sorry for, and not completely sure if I should consider them mistakes, personal weakness, or....??? What I can say, is that I am so proud of myself for letting myself FEEL. For working through my feelings and doing what's good for ME, doing what makes ME feel good, looking at myself in the mirror and saying "YOU DESERVE THE WORLD and it's YOURS FOR THE TAKING!"



**Sidenote**If we don't talk often, you might be confused by the names we have assigned to these men-and also-I want all my single women to get in on the nicknaming convention me and my BFF's have taken up-it's so much more fun!**



True enough, about a month ago I was absolutely conflicted with how to feel. Mr. Special Agent IS perfect, he's everything I could ever want, ask, and hope for. But he's not HERE. How can I hold on to a relationship that may or may not happen? How can I commit myself to someone that is not even sure what the next steps are in his life? Why am I trying to do that anyway? My feelings stand as they are. I think he is absolutely amazing, I stand by that. But so am I. We have talked about taking the next steps but what I realized is that it is in my nature to make it so easy for them, to do what I can to show that I'm in it 100%. I take five steps forward and just hold my hand back waiting for that person to grasp it so I can help them along. I can't do that anymore. I let him know where I STAND. I'm not moving forward without him, I'm not going anywhere. I'm HERE. And if here is where he wants to be-he can take the steps. I've shown him where my heart is, I've shown him who I am, I've shown him what he can have and that is all I will do. No more trying to figure out what I can do to be more, I'm all I NEED to be. He is amazing, but so am I. It will happen anyway that it will happen. I am here and willing. What more can I do? I've done enough. I think we could be great together, but I'm just not going to spend any more time wondering, hoping, wishing-it is what it is. It will be what it will be. I'm HERE.



So it seems that when you move on all your ex's seem to want to move in because you are "The best thing that ever happened to them". Well, guess what? I knew that when you LEFT ME. I can look back and remember when each one used to leave an imprint on what I thought was my heart, but it was really my pride. The constant questions of WHY did he do this...WHY did he do that. I realized a long time ago that no matter what someone's explanation was, it will NEVER be good enough for your heart. I had to learn that forgiveness comes from inside. Forgiveness is when you don't need an explanation, you don't need an apology, you don't need anything from that person and you don't wish harm upon them. Probably for most women the hardest thing to deal with is when a man cheats on you because you want to know what SHE had that you don't. It doesn't matter. In a lot of relationships, I would ask this question but then look at myself and realize I was only getting exactly what I was giving. And in the last with Anthony (he doesn't get a nickname, doesn't deserve any thought!), I was so shocked because I hadn't given him ANY of that. I had never done anything. My constant questions of "What else could I have done" quickly turned into realizing that it was HIM that was broken not ME, and that his exit in my life was timely, necessary, and the BEST thing for ME.



A couple weeks ago I got a visit from Mr. Physics. I don't count Mr. Physics as an ex, because he was never that special to me. I know it sounds harsh, but that's real. He is a great friend to me, we have many things in common, but to his dismay-what we don't share is a mutual affection for each other. To be blunt, Mr. Physics had nothing to offer me but friendship and his body. Because he is such a good person, somewhere along the way I just didn't feel right about this since his feelings were real. We hung out from time to time, but I stopped the physical relationship because I didn't want to lead him on to think it could go somewhere else. He is gorgeous, he is well educated, he is a spiritual man, he is a GREAT catch-but he just does not do it for me. Coincidentally, Mr. Physics and Mr. Special Agent LOOK like they could be twins. They drive similar cars, they have quite different paths but have achieved similar goals, and on an amazing scale-I'd have to put them about equal. Somehow, I thought that we were good enough friends that I could share this with him. Not so. I had shared with him a couple details from my trip and I hadn't talked to him after that but I thought nothing of it, because we don't talk that often. So, after getting home from a night out with friends there was a knock on my door. I really thought it was my friends coming back because they had forgot something. Nope. Big as day, Mr. Physics with some things he needed to get off his chest. Now listen, I'm in NO WAYS interested in leading someone on, and I've told him this TIME AND TIME again. He wanted me to hear him out...and allllllllllllll the alcohol I'd consumed had different plans. I'm not proud of this. This went back to Pimpin' 101.

"I never meant to make you feel that way"

"I didn't want to hurt you, I just was scared"

"Well, yeah we can try-what kind of cologne is that?"

"OF COURSE I love/d you"

...

...

...

"Come upstairs and tell me"

Mr. Physics is not stupid, and he was not amused that I was trying to take advantage of the situation. He called me on it, AS HE SHOULD HAVE. But then wanted me to think about our situation. His argument was that I didn't have to go way out to Mr. Special Agent, when he is right HERE. But how many times do I have to tell him I don't WANT him here?

Why do we beg someone to want us when we think they should? Maybe the whole "relationship" between Mr. Physics and I bothers me because I KNOW I have done this. I know I have compared myself to someone else and said, BUT YOU CAN HAVE ME! Never again. I never meant to hurt him, but I just want to scream at him that if I can't appreciate who he is, FIND SOMEONE THAT DOES! I'm not going to beg someone to see who I am, if they can't see me for me and appreciate that-I can't make them see it. Time to move on.

I will never do that...again.

As they come out of the woodwork, I see so many things that I accepted and gave passes for that now...are just NOT ok.

So many things to never do again...

To be continued...

Talking to Monica

I am happy-ecstatic actually.

I am conflicted-completely.

I'm trying to figure out why I can find happiness for everyone else, but I question it when it comes around for me. Everything I've asked for, everything I prayed for, more than I could hope for-right in front of me and I can't step towards it.

So-I have to talk to Monica. I have to talk to Monica as if I'm not her. I have to give the advice I would give someone else-because my own mind is so in my way right now, I can't get past the blaring doubts that I'm throwing in the way.

So, to me-Monica is a woman that puts on a good face for everyone. Only those that really know her know when the true emotion comes even though not often. Monica takes care of people-believing that she should always do whatever she can for other people because it is the right thing to do, hoping that she will be blessed for her kindness and never expecting anything back in return because she sees the fruits of her labor in the ways she has been blessed and the lessons she has learned. Monica is a woman who stands whole only because she pieced herself together through not letting traumatic experiences as a child define her, and understanding the selfish person she became for a short period in her life left no one to suffer more than herself-and the consequences are and were just and self inflicted. Monica stands as a woman who wouldn't do a thing to change her past because her walk in faith has led her to know and believe that every single thing that happened to her happened for a reason and stands on it all as a living testimony that God has not given up on her and is still blessing her in the face of every adversity.

Monica is learning to trust herself. Monica is learning to not put so much trust in other people. Monica doesn't hold what people did against them, but takes it in again as a lesson for herself.

But...
Monica understands the hardships that happen in her life-but when good things come her way-Monica has a hard time believing that she deserves them.

Monica has taken control and not allowed people to hold her past against her-but just recently Monica has learned that she is holding it against herself wondering if she has been forgiven or if things will resurface.

So if Monica actually found a good thing and completely doubted that she deserved it, or that it could be something long-lasting, and/or worthwhile, and doubts that she even needs it...what would I say to her?

Maybe I would ask her to remember that when she loved, she loved hard with out question, without resignation, without doubt. That she prayed for the man in her life to be a good role model to her son. That she prayed that she would have a marriage built on a solid foundation. That she prepared herself and prayed to be a good woman of God in order to be what she needed to be for the man, child, and their future. That she had grasped the idea of being with somebody and stopped hiding behind wanting to be alone.

I would remind Monica that SHE said that she got the answer to her prayer, but God just showed her that she was ready but she hadn't found the RIGHT man. I would remind her that she was thankful that God showed her the way OUT and I would tell her to be proud of herself for NEVER looking back and not being angry.

I would remind her that she is ready. I would show her that her worries that her son would be adversely affected has turned out to be a blessing because he followed her lead and is fine. Maybe I would tell her that although she met this other man in what seemed to be way too fast for HER predetermined time limits...maybe God didn't want her to lose focus. Maybe while she is ready, he wanted to show her who she was ready for. Maybe I would tell her that although he may NOT be the one, there's nothing wrong with letting someone love you or WANT to love you and be a part of your life.

Maybe I would tell her that the things that seem too good to be true aren't too good to be true, but a blessing. I would probably definitely tell her that by not thinking she deserved these things would be saying that she doesn't believe in God-because if she asked for forgiveness those sins have been cast out. But to not believe is telling God that she doesn't trust him. Maybe I would tell her to stop asking why and just say "thank you".

And maybe-she would listen.

But maybe...what's going on inside of her is so much that she still can't hear what I would be trying to say. Not because she doesn't want to hear it, but because she doesn't know how to turn the other thoughts down.

I would tell her to try and just live in this moment the best she can. I would remind her that she knows that there is no harm in giving love because you don't lose anything-as much love as you give is as much as you gain whether it is returned or not.

I've been talking to Monica since I got back yesterday.

I want to look towards whats happening in my life with the same excitement, with the same hope that he does...but I can't find it. It hurts me so bad-but I can't find it in me to believe that somebody can give me back what I've given. I'm not afraid to give-I'm afraid to let somebody love me without wondering if hurting me comes with it. Then I think he doesn't deserve that, I think I shouldn't be like that...and I'm right back to where I started.

I think that it's too perfect, I think that we fit too well, I think that this just seems too right for it to be right. And as much as that doesn't make sense-it makes sense to me but I'm trying to really just let it go. I'm really trying.

I see something great...something WONDERFUL in front of me. I just can't go to it.

So, I'll keep talking to Monica-hoping that I find it somewhere inside of me to stop just having strength and start applying it. To be courageous enough to know that as much as I think he deserves is as much as I deserve. To know that as much as I don't know, is as much as I do know. To know that I will not be led wrong, and stop thinking things will go wrong.

I'm talking to Monica, but I just can't break through.

Monica is not broken.
Monica will not be defined by her past.
Monica deserves the happiness she wishes for others-and for once she really sees it and more than that she feels it.
Monica knows what she wants, she just needs to go for it.


Monica is frustrated.

Monica is overwhelmed.



Monica is scared.