Never Again...

You know, my personal motto is to EVERYDAY be better than I was the day before. So instead of being pissed, sad, or overly emotional-I guess I'm going to have to take this situation and be thankful for all the things I continue to learn about myself. Deeper understanding can only lead to better things, right?

So, I've stopped trying to understand his actions. I've stopped trying to NOT be mad at him. I've stopped trying to still give him some kind of credit for the man I thought he was. That man would still be with me. So, I've had some time to think about the things that I won't do again. EVER.

I admit that in my past-I haven't had a lot of definitive relationships that people would deem normal. The relationship consisted of me getting what I wanted and that's it. I had no problem with that. I had no use for having to answer to anybody, for having to spend unreasonable amounts of time with anybody, for trying to make it more than it was. I had no desire to be called before 10 pm. I had no desire to hang out with friends and family. My only desire was to be left alone and then available when I requested. Now along with this, I gave up little to NO information about myself. For what? I wasn't trying to make any meaningful connections. Now listen, I know you may read this in complete amazement at how trifling I was. YES TRIFLING. Nobody can tell you better about the things I have done than me, and I never intend to be anything but real ABOUT ME. I hated being questioned. I hated having to pretend to care about somebody else's life-because I had enough going on on my own.

I wouldn't even call the relationship with my son's father anything close to functional. I know that people looked at me and thought I was being so silly. That he was doing what he wanted to do and I was turning away from the truth. No...for the people that really know me, they know the truth IS that we were the same. To this day, you could never get him to believe that. You could never tell him that even TODAY I don't still think the sun rises and sets in him. I just didn't get caught. Yes, for periods of time I was faithful. But everytime he cheated on me, he got cheated on. I just never got caught. I never expected to get pregnant, but when I did I think he thought he was ready for a child and marriage. And coming from a home where my parents are STILL married, I figured the right thing to do was to get married for the child's sake. The only thing that you could definitely say about the relationship is that it was dysfunctional and lasted for a long period of time. It wasn't a good situation for me. I lost a lot of things, but the best thing I learned was what I would NEVER settle for. I don't have any hard feelings towards him, because I always kind of felt like whatever I got-somehow I deserved it. The best thing I ever did was walk away from that relationship-and somehow he still hates me for that today, and even more for the fact that I don't care. Now the stupidity after I left him-well that's for another day. :-)

So anyway, when you have "acquaintances" like I did, it's not like you ever officially break anything off. I mean, these men were trained to not call me in the first place. After time went on, yes they would check in from time to time. They might get me to go out to dinner. And in a couple cases, I thought I might actually want to spend more time so there was more interaction. Telling me that they "Loved me", or I was "the kind of woman I could settle down with" was a surefire one way ticket to get your contact info changed to "Do Not Answer #x" and should I ever see that person on the street they might get a handshake and a hello. THAT WAS IT.

None of these men ever spent any real time with my son. On a few occasions I MAY have let them come to my house, but there were other people around. It was never a "just the 3 of us" situation. Now, I started to realize that my undeniable devotion and love for my son led some to think that I really did have feelings for them but I was "scared" or trying to be hard, or didn't want to get hurt. Whatever...come around when I need you-that's all I cared about.

For the ones that I did happen TO care about, there often was a situation where I knew they had another girl, whatever. In hindsight, I realize you get what you put forth. So that shadiness, the seemingly lack of ability to have one woman-I never got mad about it. I didn't care. They were looking at a mirror image in me and just didn't know it. See, I have always known that I look very innocent. And my sarcasm in telling the truth was only taken as sarcasm. I never told anybody they were my "boyfriend", or they were the only one I was dealing with-that assumption was a self made assumption that I never cosigned for. All men assumed that my schedule would only allow for maybe one man. They let the 3 times a week in church, constant running around for my son's sports, constant meetings and trips for my professional organizations and work commitments would make it impossible for me to have time for anybody else since I seldom had time for them. Conversations would be like "I hardly ever see or talk to you, if I didn't know any better I'd think you had another man" and my reply would be "Well, I don't have a man. But you hardly ever see me cause I have to make time for the other 3 or 5 negroes I got on my roster". Those comments would be laughed off. It would be assumed that I was being sarcastic.

And I hardly EVER let them come to my house. When they did, they had to come well after my son was sleep and leave right after the business was adjourned. Did none of them ever think it was strange that they had and still have NEVER seen my house? Did they not think it strange that they would come in the kitchen, go downstairs to the bedroom and leave out the same way. It was acceptable to make a pit stop in the bathroom, but shower? NO. Drinks? NO-there's a 7 eleven down the street? Dinner? PLEASE.

So to me, how is it that you could deduce that I was the type of woman you could fall in LOVE with? How could you know you wanted to settle down with me, when real talk-you were getting pimped in the WORST way. And when I really had to break it down for some of them...well-that's why most men I deal with don't talk to me now. I'm fine with that.

I am not proud of the way I handled my personal life. I am not proud of the way that I played with people's emotions. My decision to stop doing this came long before I decided to get serious with Anthony. I had really stopped dealing with everybody. IF they should happen to text, I just didn't answer. No harm no foul.

So, when Anthony and I got back together, we shared alot about our lives. Only this time, it was about the time we had not been together. And actually-in that time-I had really kind of slowed down on being like that. In the year and a half that we were not together, I really only dealt with one person on a more serious level-but nothing major. So, this behavior had gotten old to me somewhere in my mid twenties. I told Anthony everything about how I used to be. For me, I was showing him that I wasn't sneaky anymore. I had no need for that. That vindictive "You got me, but I'll get you one better" was gone. In the process, I actually did hurt a lot of good men and I'm not proud of that at all.

So in Anthony's insecurity-he really had a problem with me dealing with any ex-boyfriend. I think by now we all know his reasons why. I never really cared that he dealt with his ex-girlfriends UNLESS I felt like there was something unresolved. Talk about going with your damn gut! So then, I started being like him, telling him to stop dealing with these chicks that weren't over him. SO NOT ME.

SO-never again will I put myself in a situation where I start acting out of MY character. WE all have exes in our life, and if you spent any amount of time with them and you are both over it-there is no reason you can not be friends. I have never asked an ex boyfriend to stop dealing with an EX. But at the same time, I know NOW that if you have that feeling that unresolved feelings are there-that's between those two people still having some sort of emotional connection. And if you have an emotional connection to someone else-how can you be 100% connected to me. Emotional Promiscuity-UNACCEPTABLE. I know now that that connection should have been resolved BEFORE I came around.

Along with that, I have some exes, people I dealt with, whatever-that are actually good friends to me. I stopped talking to all of them. Stopped having any kind of reasonable communication so that Anthony could feel better about his insecurities. But-I'm not like him! I made it plain and clear to these men that we were done. And the stupid thing is-that these men are all intelligent, respectable men that didn't overstep once I made things plain. Did some overstep? YES, but I explained to Anthony that is on ME. Because in the past, I might have been dealing with somebody-but that didn't mean I wouldn't deal with them too. So it wasn't on them, it was on me but I corrected the situation. It shouldn't have been an issue after that. For most of my 30 years if people didn't know anything else about me, they know I can't stand bullshit. So why I accepted this from him...well I know why-because I love him, but really-I have never backed down from anything or anyone before, so why I started with him, not sure. Never again.

Everything I did to show him that I was really there-he just used it as his own fuel to tell himself I wasn't trustworthy. What I'm thankful for is that my friends, real friends, see the change in me and that should have been enough for me to know that it wasn't ME it was him. So to my friends, I feel like I owe an apology because it's basically like I was telling you "Thanks for noticing but you don't matter" because it was HIM that I wanted to see it.

I am so much smarter than I have been. It is true you can't help who you love. It is true that you do stupid things for love.

I worked hard for that relationship, and I don't regret a thing. I did everything I could and I damn sure gave everything I have. Anything worth having will take work, and I worked and fought for a life I thought we would share together.

But never again will I let someone else's insecurity define who I am or the things that I do.

Take it or leave it.

And I'm just finally realizing that if you leave it, I'll be okay. Because everything I worked for, everything I am, everything I have is still mine. You left-but you didn't take it.

And in all the hurt, I allowed him to make me feel like I have nothing left.

Never again.

Side Piece?

I realize that constantly trying to make sense of this situation makes no sense. I'm not a person without logic or reason, but I am human and contrary to popular belief I do have feelings. :-)

So, talking to a male friend last night he made a good point-was I the girlfriend or side piece? See, I'd like to think that being in touch with his family-sending flowers, Christmas baskets, and being taken to socialize with siblings and such would make me the girlfriend, but maybe not.

Now I understand the sideways looks of his friends, the uncomfortable side glances, and the questions. It used to bother me that his friends were always trying to say something shocking about him to me and I would tell them we didn't have any secrets from each other-and they would chuckle and exchange glances.

I witnessed them non-chalantly trying to expose another one of their friends while he was there with another girl. How come I didn't get it? I mean really!

I have been really trying not to get so mad that I completely erase him from my life. It's painful. I love him. But I wonder if he showed me the person he really was when we were together or in the end? Another question I know can never be answered. I know it's unfair to say that he never loved me if he treated me like this-but how can I feel like his feelings were genuine when it seems clear to me day to day that the relationship I was in is NOT the relationship he was in.

And although I want to keep the door open for him, I just can't. If he ever truly wanted to let go of these games he plays-if he ever truly wanted to be the man I know or thought he could be-if he ever truly wanted to change-then maybe I could open the door. But for now-it must be closed.

I can't help wondering what else I was supposed to do. I want to tell myself and I want to hear when people tell me I did more than I should-but if that is really true-would I be here?

Over and over again he would tell me that he had no idea why I even wanted to be with someone like him who was doing nothing with his life. Over and over he wondered why I saw what I saw in him. Over and over he told me that I was such a great person, that I was everything that he could ever want but he didn't know why he deserved me. Does he believe that? Does he believe that he did not deserve me and then go find someone he thought he did?? Or does he truly think I don't deserve him? Am I truly not the one he wanted, so he said what he said to try to make me feel better about myself?

I'm proud of myself for the way I've changed, the way I've grown up, for loving somebody with everything I have and showing to them that nothing was ever too big, nothing was ever too hard-that I would be steadfast by his side no matter what. He walked away...AGAIN.

So, I could wonder if I was the side piece or the girlfriend.

I could wonder what I did wrong.

I could be mad at him for lying and cheating on me.

Instead, I will hold on to that love that I had for him. Pure, unconditional, without limits, without boundaries...and know that I gave that to him. Know that I gave him everything I had, and if it wasn't enough for him-then it just wasn't enough.

I'm not sorry for loving him. I'm not sorry for giving myself completely. I'll never be sorry for the time we did have.

I'll always be thankful for his love. I'll always be thankful for the things he taught me about myself. I'll always be glad that I opened up my heart. I will remember him for the person I thought he was. I will never stop hoping that is the man he can be. I will never stop praying that he conquers every dream he ever had and becomes the star I know he is.

I will not try to understand the man that he showed me, because that is not the man I loved. And if that is the man that he is, I pray he doesn't give up on being the man he wants to be.

In reality, I could not be his girlfriend, She can not be his girlfriend...nobody can be anything. Because the first love he needs to find is that unconditional love for himself.

So while I love him, while I'm sad to have lost him...I have to love me more than that.

It's not getting easier. I don't feel any better-I just know that this is the reality.

It doesn't matter where I stood...

All that matters is that I stand.

I'm standing.

I'm living.

I will be okay.

If I had never loved him-I would not have known I was capable.
I'll take that.

Mad Enough

Again, I'm back at a place where everyday is just a day. I find it hard to look forward to almost anything except for the end of the day-because that means I will have made it one more day.

I hate this empty feeling. I hate feeling like I have nothing and wondering if he has anything. I hate not believing what he said because I've never not believed him before. Looking back, there were little inconsistencies-little things that should have jumped out in my face-but because I loved him and trusted him-I turned away from it. I hate feeling like he walked away from me to walk to somebody else. I hate feeling like everything I have done is for nothing, because he didn't want what I had to offer anyway.

In my life, there have been many people that I found that I had no use for. And usually, it was about me being mad enough about whatever they did to me that made me leave them alone and erase them from my life completely. And through this process, I have been telling myself that he doesn't deserve that. I've been telling myself that I can't do that to him. And after that, I'm still alone, still hurt, still completely broken...so why am I holding on?

I have nothing to hold on to. I feel so betrayed, so stupid. What was the point of planning your life with me all these months? What was the point of putting me through all of this? What was the point? I want to believe that he does love me-but that doesn't come without knowing that I think he is falling in love with her. I don't believe for a second he is by himself-I believe he moved what was hard out of his way and now he wants to have fun and talk and plan his life with her. Wherever it's going to go.

As much as it hurts me, and as much as I have tried to control it. I am mad enough. I am mad enough to know that the person he is right now? I have no need for that person. I did not lie to him, I did not betray him, I never did anything to intentionally hurt him and he has been living his life like this all along trying to get close to her and making me feel bad about who I am. I have no time for that. I don't deserve that.

I just wanted him to be happy. I wanted things to happen in his life. I wanted to provide the support he needed in order to be able to do what he needed to do.

I am mad. And mad enough.

I have to let him go. As much as it hurts me, as much as it scares me-there is nothing he can do for me if it wasn't important enough for him to protect my heart the way I protected his.

He is a liar.

He is a cheater.

He is a person that is lost and confused and needs to find himself.

It hurts me to write those things-because I see so much more in him.

He is somebody that has moved himself into my past. I just need to find the strength to keep him there.

I believe people can change. I believe people can get better. I KNOW that what he has to offer right now, is nothing that I need.

I never thought I could love somebody the way I love him. I never thought I could commit myself to someone the way I committed to him. I never thought my life was going to have to go on without him. I never thought he was capable of this kind of deception. I never thought that he would be the person to completely break my heart so wide open that all I can do is carry it this way because I don't have the strength, energy, maybe the courage to put it back together again.

And although I love him, although I miss him, although I want him more than anything-I realize that the Anthony I thought I was loving is not the person I thought he was at all.

I'm mad enough to let go.

Now I just have to get strong enough to move on.

The Things I Wonder About...

After writing the story yesterday, I was overwhelmed by the amount of love and support from all of my friends. Every word, every note, every e-mail-they all help me, they all encourage me, and if nothing else-they all help me to know that who I thought I have become IS who I am.

I had a long conversation with a very good friend of mine who told me that she could say what everybody else is saying-but she had been through this and wanted me to know the things she learned. It gave me a lot of insight into my own situation. I can't say that it necessarily made me feel better-but it just made a lot of things make sense. And I haven't been able to make heads or tails of much of this.

Basically-my story, my feelings were a run down of something she had been through previously in her life. And of course she can't tell me 100% how Anthony is feeling or the motivation for his actions-but it did help.

One of the disagreements Anthony and I had last week when he was here was regarding how he is covered on my health insurance. Out of nowhere he says "You know that thing you're doing with your insurance is illegal, right?" I was like WHAT!! I had no idea what he was talking about. See-I often forgot that I have worked in an office setting basically since I was in college. I know the common-ness of situations like this. The way I went about mine was just different. Our situation allowed me to do this. I'm NOT stupid. Now, for those of that see this all the time-you, like I, probably don't see the big deal here. So Anthony says "I saw my Dr. and asked him about it and he said it didn't sound right to him". I was a little irritated. I mean, first of all, Anthony requested that I do this for him. It was something I told him I could do if he thought it was a good idea and I had no problem doing it. To me, health insurance is one of those things that you don't think about until a $5000 hospital bill is looking you in the face or you can't afford some prescription. I was also irritated because I thought, why would a DOCTOR make an analysis like that not knowing where I work, what my company policies are, or who I am. I thought it was so silly. Then when talking to my friend she made it plain for me. He didn't talk to his DOCTOR. There is somebody in his ear, who doesn't want him to be with me for whatever reason, and that's what SOMEBODY said. Makes sense. Doesn't even make sense that a doctor would say that, but this person probably already outlined for him that I would get upset that he questioned me. What do I have to gain by providing somebody health benefits? He saw all the paperwork and he knew about it every step of the way since I completed the task at his request. So, there were some major outside influences at work here. I can't say for sure what all of them are-but I realize that not only did my actions have to make sense to him-I was being put up against a jury of people that don't care about Anthony-they care about what Anthony can do for them and concentrate on hating on the things in his life they wish they had OR finding a way to get to the place in his life where they want to be.

Makes sense that we had made plans, had a plan in motion for HIS life mostly and then somewhere between the time he now claims he was getting "close" to her, all those plans started to fall apart. We had graduated from "let me fail and then help me" to "I see what you are trying to do and how this makes sense for me" and then back to "Let me fail and then help me". Now it makes sense.

I just really wonder where he thinks their relationship is going to go. I don't think she is a bad person, I don't know much about her. But I do know that he told me that she is separated from her husband and living at home with her mother. I don't ever fault anybody for that. I too had to get MYSELF together at one time and move back home. The difference is, I left the relationship FOR GOOD. I was working on getting out on MY OWN. Moving on with MY LIFE. Now had I been married, if I wasn't trying to see what happened, I would assume that as soon as I left-paperwork would have been filed. And through everything he has put me through, it kills me to know that I'm looking at his situation from the outside in KNOWING he is about to get his heart broken again. I don't want that for him. Part of me thinks that's what he gets for being stupid...but I can't stay mad at him for long.

Then I remembered something she said on the tape. "As long as we have good communication between us about EVERYTHING, and you know...no outside influences"
Yes Courtney, because you realize that he can be influenced by OUTSIDE influences...because that's what you've been.

Don't take this as me having hard feelings towards her-I have no idea what her intentions are. But based on her actions-I know that her intention is not to be divorced. If he can't see that-that's on him. I have no right to speak on it.

So, I was watching The Bachelor last night and basically the girl he picked got screwed over in the end. But her words punched me in the face:
"Why did you put a ring on my finger? Why did you propose to me? You wanted the relationship and as soon as things were different you got scared and you don't want to fight for me. You don't want to fight to see if this will work. You just get scared and run away to somebody else."

And then when she was away from him, she said she wasn't mad-just hurt. That she wished he had wanted to fight for her. That she wished he wanted to try. She said that it must be her. Must be something about her. And as much as I wanted to be able to look at her and think, no that's not true. I'd be a hypocrite because that's how I feel.

I laid in bed for a long time thinking maybe I should not have told so many people what really happened. And I keep going back and forth thinking his own words were that he was going to stop running from the truth. But do I have the right to make him stand up to his own truth. Am I judging him? Am I being unfair?

So badly I want to know if he actually did what he said. Did he tell her he's not trying to be with anybody? Does he really want to still have me in his life, or did that just sound good? Is he really just being by himself so he can get closer to God? Because after I saw him with her-I don't believe that at all. I believe that he got me out of the way, felt bad about it-but then realized that maybe she's the one for him. And I wonder if he told her everything he told me and if she was more understanding, does that mean to him that she's better for him because she didn't get mad and not want to talk to him? Because in my head, she doesn't have a right to get mad at him for being with somebody-but to him does that mean that she's more accepting of who he is?

No matter how I think about this-I can't get it to sit right with me. I'm not better, but I feel like I can't let myself get any worse. I read past blogs from last August where I was going through the same thing-but I had hope then. I hadn't been lied to and cheated on. I feel guilty now for how much I pray because I should have never pulled away from God and I'm so sorry for that. I mean I still prayed...but I was praying for him and God was showing me the truth, I just didn't believe it or want to see it.

I don't know what's going to happen between us. I don't know what's going to happen for me. And honestly, I just don't have the energy to wonder. I'm just existing. Trying to do what I can to keep my mind clear and the tears from falling from my eyes, because I don't want to be bothered with people asking what is wrong with me.

I wonder if I would ever forgive him. I wonder if he would ever even want me back. I wonder if it would be the dumbest thing in the world to take him back. I wonder if he hurts at all. I wonder if he cares. I wonder if loving him like this will ever stop hurting me. I wonder why he didn't want to fight for me. I wonder if I can ever forgive him. I wonder if I can ever stop blaming myself.

I just want a piece of some peace.

I'm trying not to let this situation take my happiness, my joy, my peace but it has slipped right through my fingers.

Today I'm still hurt.

Today I'm still sad.


But today, I am mad. And I wonder if that means anything to him at all.

The State of MY Union

As much as I don't want to do this-I promised myself that today I would write about this and try to let out some of this emotion that I've been fighting for a few days.

Understand a few things before reading this explanation of what happened:
1. I invited all of you to read this for a reason. I hope to make that clear while writing this-but understand this is real emotion, raw emotion-an outlet for me. I'm not here to tear anybody down-but this is my life.

2. Understand that even if you didn't know it before-I am leaps and bounds more expressive in my writing than in talking.

3. This is not an invitation to a pity party. It's my emotions...real and right now. I'm not going to hide them.


So...where to begin.

Well, as you all know-Anthony has been having a hard time these last few months. The reason I know that you all know is because you heard from me from time to time asking you for your prayers for him, for us, but mostly (I think) for him. Anthony has been going through a time in his life where things start to fall apart and nothing is as it seems so you get into a continual pattern of having to pick yourself up where you fell.

See-as some of you do or don't know...we stopped talking for about a month last August. At that time, Anthony had stopped working for GM and I was really excited for him to really give 100% in pursuing his dream to make his music his life and his career. At that time, he felt like I didn't understand his lifestyle, and never would so he said he couldn't do the relationship anymore. And then-I was very much in a similar place to where I am now. I was in shock, but something told me it was not over. I thought he was overwhelmed. So I prayed and just stayed strong in believing that we could work it out, we would work it out, and things would be fine.

We did eventually start talking again and things seemed to be fine. We had a new understanding that there was no time limits on our relationship. He finally understood that I knew that his life was going to be unpredictable to say the LEAST but he finally understood what I was offering. See, during the summer when he was getting ready to leave GM, it was my idea that he could just move to Colorado. But my idea of moving was not to settle down. It was so that he could go and do whatever he needed to do. So that when he needed to pick up and go somewhere, he could just GO. At first, Anthony didn't like the fact that he felt like I couldn't go with him. Either because of Trey, or my job, etc...he felt like I should be able to just pick up and go with him. He wanted me to experience what he was experiencing. Well-to me-even if I didn't have Trey...I wouldn't do that ANYWAY. I told him that while I was trying to get to where I am now, I had to settle OVER AND OVER again for jobs that I hated, being in positions that I knew weren't going anywhere-but I had no choice. I had a child depending on me. I had to do what made sense. I didn't want that for him! I wanted him to be able to go wherever he wanted to go with no worries of having to please anybody BUT himself. I wanted him to be able to say "Nope, this isn't for me" and move ON. For a while, I thought he understood that. He had said that in April, he was moving here. I really wanted him to understand over and over, that moving here didn't mean moving in with me, settling down and making a life. It meant get on your GRIND, be about your business, and go where you need to go with no worries about little things while you are gone.

In the meantime, he kind of went from job to job. I did whatever I could to help him. I've always known that as much as he is a free spirit is as much as I am grounded. Although our talents and goals were very different, I understood every step of his life. I had to learn to not try to save him FROM the things that were going to happen but to just be there when things didn't work out and encourage him to keep on going because things WOULD get better. Whether it was paying bills he couldn't quite take care of, providing health insurance for him, whatever-I did these things because I love him. Because I knew I could take care of them and they were things that you don't think about until you are in a horrible situation where the lack of these things in place causes great strain. And because if in the same situation, he would and HAS done the same thing for me!

I'm trying to stay coherent here, so bear with me. Around mid-October I received some weird e-mails from someone who was sending ME an e-mail chain between Anthony and a "Courtney". It was e-mails where he had sent her a picture of his outfit, songs from iTunes he had downloaded and sent to her...nothing major, or what I thought at the time, warranted any suspicion. It was his actions that made me suspicious. See, my e-mails come to my phone. So I saw this e-mail come into my phone and I couldn't get the whole thing, so I refreshed-then it was gone! Then there was a reply from me, then everything was gone. So when I get back to my desk, I realize Anthony is in my e-mail answering the e-mails AS me and then deleting all the evidence. I called him and asked what was going on. So-we had no idea who it was and I finally sent an e-mail to all parties involved basically telling the guy to stop contacting me, that Anthony and I were together and to just stop the drama. I HATE DRAMA. I knew who Courtney was-she was someone (A MARRIED SOMEONE) that Anthony had dealt with before we ever got back together from 2005. A jump-off basically. So, honestly-the way he handled it was suspect, YES. But I never heard back from anybody and that was it. I took his explanation for it...let it go. looking back on it now, and finding her e-mail was signed in another time I was trying to sign into MY e-mail, I realize he probably intercepted the note that she was copied on-so she never saw it, just like I wouldn't have.

In November, we went to NJ/NYC. This was the first time I ever felt like there was a disconnect in our relationship, but I knew he wasn't really happy with where his life was at, so I kind of let it go. I asked him why there was no affection, he seemed very disconnected which was just not like him. He then told me again that he was unhappy with life, and just couldn't be that way feeling like he was. I took that.

In December, things started to get a little hectic for me. We found out my grandmother in Korea was sick. And this strain between Anthony and I was really bothering me. So all I could really do was pray that I could be the support he needed. Constantly prayed that I had the right words to encourage him and keep him lifted in his pursuit of his dream. So, I get on facebook one day and I see that one of his ex-girlfriends, Bryonne, has tagged him at a KC Chiefs football game. Understand that I didn't even get mad when I saw this. I figured it was an old picture, I knew what she was trying to do because Anthony had told me repeatedly she was trying to be back in his life and she was "that" ex girlfriend that just tries to cause drama. So her posting of pictures came directly after I finally put up pics of our trip to the east coast. However, when I looked at the date of the picture-I realized that Anthony and I were together at the time. That this was AFTER we had started talking again and I was PISSED! I just couldn't understand how he could have missed telling me he was going somewhere, especially with her...and as much as we talk and text everyday-how did he get out of this? What could he have told me that I either didn't bother him or talk to him for the duration of a football game??!! His explanation was that we weren't together-until I broke down the timeline for him. He said he didn't think I would understand, he was wrong...no explanation-he was just sorry.

I went back to Kansas City for New Years. I thought it would be different. SAME DISCONNECT. No real affection...I just didn't feel wanted like I used to. So, during this time, Anthony was working. I was on his computer looking up some information and when I went to Yahoo, his e-mail came up. I opened it. I know this was wrong, I know it wasn't the right thing to do-but after the things that had happened...I opened it. Sure enough, an e-mail from Bryonne. It said alot, but said nothing. See-I understood that she's one of these silly females that an ex-boyfriend could say "HI" to and in her mind they are on the mend. I responded back to her e-mail and told her to "LET GO. YOU DON'T MATTER" and right when I hit SEND, I realized that this was NOT one of the most stellar moments in my life. I was ashamed that I had even stooped to her level. I was mad at myself for going there with him when I thought I knew I could trust him because he just wouldn't do me like that. So instead of trying to cover it up-and knowing he would be upset-I told him what I did. I felt like our relationship was so much more than that, and although I had made a mistake-I was NOT going to lie to him.

Anthony came home from work early to basically go off on me. Told me he couldn't believe I had went through his stuff. That after all the things I HAD DONE, it was not fair that I still thought he was doing things behind my back. Said there was no reason for us to be together if there was no trust...this went on and on and on. He told me that I shouldn't even compare myself to them, since he didn't even really know why I wanted to be with him because I could do so much better-that he didn't deserve me. At this point, knowing what I know now-I can't even really begin to go here-so sorry.

I left and I fully expected him to just tell me he was done. Now, don't get me wrong. At the time-I DID think his reaction was a little extra but I also just kept taking into account all the stress he was under. In January, I lost my wallet-I don't think I need to say much more. You all know that means cancelling of debit cards, blah blah blah. Well, I had supplied Anthony with a debit card just in case of emergencies and the card did not get cancelled, but they would not allow it to be used until I got and activated my new one for my protection. However as he was trying to use it during this time-it took us awhile to get that answer. But-common sense told ME that it was probably a precaution-but Anthony got pissed. Stopped talking to me for about a day (which might not seem like a long time to you, but being that we were long distance-we talked/texted several times an HOUR) and I was all stressed out thinking that I had failed him. I wired him $100 dollars and texted him the reference number and I get a text back along the lines "As I sat here hungry last night, I realized that things have gotten out of hand so I handled my own business. I cut up your card and checkbook. I appreciate what you TRIED to do, but I've got to handly my business". So I felt AWFUL (Listen, I understand that this is the part where you get frustrated with me...). I knew he was mad at me, and I felt so bad because he always talked about all the ways he was there for everybody else, and I just felt like if he could depend on anybody he should be able to depend on me.

Again, the communications between us were a little strained. ONe morning, I get a message from Bryonne on Facebook. It was laughable at best. She said they had been seeing each other off and on, that he had positioned himself as a family with her and her son, blah blah blah. I didn't believe her, but I did have a problem with her contacting me. So of course I told him about the e-mail, but I told him my problem was that he seemed to still want to have some emotional connection to her. Why was it important to talk to her? Why was it important for her to not think he hated her? So, this caused a break down where he said he was not over her...still mad at her. I had known this for quite some time, but he would not confirm it. Again, I understood where he was coming from. I understood that he did not want to be with her, but it was frustrating to have been with someone that you gave so much too and feel like they didn't have to suffer like you. So, that incident, opened up a huge door of communication for us. He realized that I will take things personally if I don't know the source of the anger or discontentment, but just being honest about his feelings...I could listen. It didn't hurt me to hear him talk about how she made him feel, or how angry he was. He needed to get it out. Over and over again, he would say "I wish I would have known I could talk to you like this"

Then Anthony lost his job again. I was ECSTATIC!! See, every job turned into the same situation as GM. Hours he didn't like to work, place he wasn't comfortable with...and I just thought "This is God at work". I told him NOT to get another job. I told him he could move here or I would help him with his bills...but STAY AT HOME, work on his music. I talked to him about getting unemployment, understanding it wasn't a handout, and just focus 100% on his music. Soon after, he got an opportunity to work with an in-demand producer and they wanted him to come to LA! He was happy. I was happy for him and always praying and asking people to pray that this was the breakthrough he wanted and so much deserved.

Anthony was originally supposed to come here for Valentine's Day and to be here for Trey's birthday party, but he told me that Brian Kennedy was going to be in Kansas City. Well, I knew what the logical decision was. Although I wanted to see him...it made no sense for him to come here when Brian was THERE. So I told him that I wasn't going anywhere, he's welcome here anytime...but this was one of those things where we were going to have to be prepared for whatever opportunity presented itself.

The trip to LA did not go well. Anthony made some contacts, but it wasn't what he expected, he returned home early and decided to come here on the following Tuesday and stay through Sunday. I was ecstatic to see him, but I knew he needed some time to decompress and just relax.

Anthony got here on the 24th, and I wasn't surprised this time by the disconnect. I knew he wasn't happy. We talked and he told me about the trip, and he always seemed relieved that I knew where he was coming from. He got a dose of some "LA FOLKS" and I told him that I never understood why I had an opportunity to work in the industry for my short time in LA, but I was glad now because everything I told him was everything it was. He was discouraged, but I told him...every step is a STEP. Regardless of what direction-it is a STEP.

Fast forward to Thursday morning...

Anthony and I are laying on the couch, and I was a little concerned that he seemed very distant. In the last couple days I had noticed that if I got close to him he might flinch a little, or seemed reluctant to even hug me. So, as we lay on the couch I gave him his distance. He continually asked me what was wrong. Finally I told him how he was acting. Told him I didn't even feel like he wanted me to be around him. I asked him if he honestly needed some alone time I would leave him alone, but I would rather him tell me that than feel like he didn't even want to be affectionate or intimate with me. This again turned into a huge production. He told me he was tired of being told by ME that he was not enough. That he did little things like waited for me to eat, offered to fix things around the house, etc. and he felt like those things mattered too, not just being intimate and/or affectionate and if that's the only way I felt like he was connected to me it was a problem. At this point, he did make me realize I was being a little selfish. I told him that I had overlooked those little things, and based on how he was feeling I was sorry for making him feel that way. He said he was uncomfortable and wanted to go home. Now, I felt like this was a little much. He said he didn't want to break up, but he needed a break from everything and everyone and he just wanted to go home. So I told him, that if we are going to be together, he's not always going to be able to GO somewhere else. I offered to give him a couple hours to cool down and then we could continue with our week. He said NO, he wanted to go. Somewhere along the way it turned into a discussion of how he needed to get his life right because he didn't feel like the right doors were opening for him and he asked if we weren't together if we could be friends. Now, over the past couple days he had been saying things like this...and I asked him over and over again if he was trying to just push me away. He said that he just wanted to do things the right way, get closer to God, and wanted to know if I'd be there for him. He said I deserved more, that I had all of my life together and he just didn't even know why I would want to be with someone who had nothing to offer me. At that point, I felt like his mind was made up. I took him to the airport. I was devastated.

He texted me to tell me he was sorry. He asked if we could talk. At that point I felt like, you know-I DO deserve more BUT I have known what he was going through. But after you walk out on me? I wasn't sure what I could take anymore.

So, he called me at about 3:30 on Friday morning. He asked how I felt. And I told him that I had been existing in a one sided relationship, but I love him, and I knew things would get better so I didn't understand why he had to walk away. THEN, some issues of OLD started coming up. He basically said he didn't know if he could trust me.

Let me make a couple things plain here...I know this is long...bear with me. I am not ever going to pretend like I was innocent before this relationship. I think the mistake that I made is that I told Anthony EVERYTHING about how I used to be. I didn't realize that although it didn't bother me to hear about his past, it DID bother him. Now, there's only one real relevant incident I need to bring up here for you to understand his point of view, kind of. There was an incident that happened on my birthday that I thought we were past, but apparently we were not. There was a guy, that I had had previous relations with, (RELATIONS, not relationSHIP) that was at the club we were at. I had been with this guy over 6 years previous to that night. I had seen him from time to time and he had NEVER really tried to talk to me again. See, the thing about me when it came to men was that I did what I wanted to do. I did not pretend to be anybody's girlfriend, I made it very clear that my intentions were for ONE THING and that was it. Do not call me to chat, don't ask me to hang out...I had one purpose for men and I made that clear. So, there was never any clean break ups or anything like that. They stopped hearing from me, and they knew better than to call...so that was that. So, this guy gets in my face asking me to buy some raffle tickets. Then I realize he is REALLY in my face and I say "HEY...my boyfriend is over there". Even I realized that at this point it was too late. Now, maybe I shouldn't have told Anthony that this guy and I had had previous contact, but I had nothing to lie to him about.

This came up in our conversation about him trusting me. There was also ex-friends that still contacted me from time to time and I felt like I was telling them about my relationship and I was letting them know, but Anthony still felt like they were being disrespectful. He found an e-mail conversation between a friend of mine and me that he felt like he was being disrespectful. At the time I didn't feel that way, but I had to see it from his point of view. Then I realized that if Anthony felt disrespected, there was really no need for me to keep speaking to these people. So, for the ones I still had friendly conversations with, I cut all that. I never wanted to do anything where Anthony felt disrespected.

Then he kept bringing up the e-mail thing and I finally asked him how he could make that such a big deal when FIRST OF ALL, he was in my e-mail all the time. And SECOND OF ALL, if the signs weren't there, I wouldn't have even went there. I don't claim to be right, and I'm not trying to justify my actions...but I really wanted him to see-the SIGNS WERE THERE.

Then I asked him if he ever thought I cheated. He said "I don't know". That hurt me to my heart. I am not the same person I used to be. And if anybody should know that, I thought it would be him.

So I said, "Did you cheat on me".

"YES".

You could have told me a million things. But to tell me that Anthony had PHYSICALLY cheated on me...no. I would have NEVER expected that. He told me that around September/August he had given Courtney his number. That they had talked and gotten close and that he wished he could talk to me like he talked to her and that they had been intimate a few times.

So I asked if he loved her, and if he wanted to be with her. He said:

"I don't know".

And if my heart hadn't been broken enough, I can't explain to you how this made me feel. So...he is pleading with me to still be his friend because he doesn't want to lose me out of his life. Telling me how he wants to be closer to God, wants to fall in love again, wants to be happy again...and all I can hear is "I don't know". He said he was going to come clean with everybody, including her. I told him that if he wants to change his life, and move on-he has every right. I have said and will still say today that the worst thing you can ever do to anyone is stop believing that they can change. I told him that when he makes that decision, nobody has a right to remind you of who you were, because nobody knows better THAN you because nobody has to suffer for your decisions more than you. So I told him that knowing THAT, I could not fairly be his friend while loving him and wanting more. I told him that I would forgive him. That true forgiveness would come without any explanation from him, because I realize his explanation will never satisfy my heart.

We got off the phone and I texted him and told him that I had nothing else to say. I was his friend inside of the relationship...I didnt know how to be his friend with no relationship.

He texted me and told me that he left his camera. I knew I shouldn't, but I wanted to take anything of me off the camera. There, I found that on Valentine's day, he was NOT with Brian in the studio, he and his friends had rented a house and he took Courtney Baylis to a weekend getaway. He had texted me the whole weekend! Pulled off some dark picture where he looked so tired, supposed to be IN the studio. Called me-said he stepped out to just call me and tell me he loved me quickly before getting back to work-and now I realize the noise in the background was his FRIENDS!! On tape was a video conversation of him telling her that she was what he wanted for his life, but he knew it was going to get screwed up. I watched him touch her the way I longed to be touched, I watched him fawn all over her like he used to do with me. I watched him act the way he said he couldn't act because he couldn't get his life right. Then I told him that I saw it...he said he figured I would and that he wasn't mad.

My last text to him said this:
"Well I am. Don't ever tell me how great I am ever again. You've just added yourself to a long line of people who have told me in not so many words that for whatever reason I make it impossible to love me. That have undermined my intelligence and when I showed how in tune I am to other people's feelings and actions...tore ME down and made me feel like I was wrong...made me apologize and try to make up for my shortcomings...and YOU had me praying to be God to be the woman of God I needed to be, to be the best woman, wife, mother I could be. Begging God to fix ME. The difference is I knew what to expect from them and I gave them almost NOTHING. I was proud for committing myself to you. Thankful for your love...felt blessed for the way our lives intertwined. I did nothing to ever betry you until the signs were there...and you tore me down and didn't trust ME? I thought it was different because neigher one of us had to go back to the way we used to be. And while I was praying and trying to support you and do everything you needed...you laid up with someone else and told her everything I wished I could hear. So thank you for proving that I will never be anything to anyone. And the stupidest shit of all is that I don't love you any less...would be willing to work though it...but you can't even say "No, I don't love her-I love you". So for all the peoplethat you wanted to hurt because they hurt you...her is your BIGGGGGGGGGGGGG Victory. you come clean...whoo hoo! Fresh new start. GOOD FOR YOU. I am not willing to ever love anybody else because that's what I want to give to you...you don't want it. So as I try to find the energy to even want to live right now...congrats on your new start. Like I said...I WON'T harp at you so I'm sorry for this last outburts. But don't try to make it seem like I was special. You aren't like the rest of them...nobody has ever hurt me like this. EVER. Don't Apologize, don't say anything. Just like they all shit on you, that's how I feel. I hope you get away from the poisonous people that have positioned themselves as your friends. You deserve better"


And that was it. I haven't heard another word. I feel so STUPID. Visiting him in Kansas City, putting groceries in the house, cooking him and his roommate dinners to last them for awhile, cleaning up and doing his clothes all because I just wanted him to relax. To show him that those were things for me to do while I was there. That all the times I was around him and his friends and really told him that it bothered me that his friends were always trying to bring up things to make him look bad-trying to encourage him to move away from that kind of HATE...he is just like them. So a friend said to me yesterday "The kinds of friends you have indicate the kind of person you are". How come I didn't see that? How come I didn't pick up on the fact that his willingness to always tell his friends to not settle down and to live their lives was in fact his own opinion of his life.

I don't believe he came clean with her at all. I believe that he moved me out of the way and expects to be happy with a woman who is still married. That although she is separated from her husband...she is not divorced. If he doesn't get it...oh well.

I love him with EVERYTHING that I have. I never cheated on him, I never did anything to betray him except for open a damn e-mail and NOW my suspicions have been confirmed? So for the last three or four months I have been trying to show him that I trust him and can be trusted and I have apologized for MY behavior everytime he ridiculed me for being untrustworthy when it was really just his GUILTY CONSCIENCE!!??


And...is this all I ever get. Every man-this is the end result. So how can I not wonder what I'm missing that would allow somebody to only love me. That would make just ME enough. Have I hurt so many people, have I made so many mistakes that this is what I actually deserve?

What else did he want from me? What else was I supposed to do?

And the part that kills me-is that for NINE YEARS, I have been meticulously careful with my child. Some of you know some or all of the details, but the relationship between him and his dad is better but still bruised. So knowing that he had one person in his life that ALWAYS hurts him regardless of if that is his intention or not...I did everything I could to protect him from having somebody else hurt him. I know that I don't know his path, I know that I can't protect him from everything...but this is on me. THIS is my fault-and I am so mad at Anthony for not thinking about my child. I look at his face and I feel like I failed him. How many times can you hurt a child that doesn't deserve anything but happiness? If for nothing else, I will never put him through this again.

I feel so empty. I am so hurt. I don't know how to move on from here. I am mad at myself for being this pitiful. I am mad at him for putting me through this. I don't have the energy, the SANITY to even fathom loving somebody else like this.

I wish I could go back to the Monica that NEVER wanted to be married. That NEVER depended on anybody but myself and God. I was TOTALLY FINE with being alone. And along the way even realized that using men was not getting me anywhere and knowing that I didn't want to be that way...I was STILL okay with just being by myself.

I love him SO much. And I am mad at myself for still holding on to that. For not being mad enough to just say to hell with it all and putting my head on straight and keep on going.

I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful for the people around me that won't let me fall, and I am so thankful to all of you for reminding me who I am...because I don't have ANY of that right now. I'm also thankful to all of you for embracing him, embracing US. Praying for him, helping him if I reached out to you...I appreciate what all of you were willing to do because of your friendship to me. I thank you for your words. Some of them stay with me...

"You are the woman he needs, but not the one he deserves". Thank you JR...that has stuck with me for a long time. Especially since this was your analysis way back when things started getting rough. I keep trying to tell myself that, but I can't help but wonder if he needs me, why he doesn't want me. And to me, he deserves the world.

"It's not your failure" Thanks KB...but how can I not feel like that. I'm here again-wondering what else I could have given, what else I could have done, how else I could have supported him to just be enough.

"Niggas have faithful problems". JM-Thank you. It just made me laugh...but you meant it, and I think for some people you are right.


So that is my story. I know this was long, and if you cared enough to read it all, I love you and I thank you for your friendship. I don't know how to stop loving someone when you love them like I love him. I don't know how to let go of wanting to be with someone when you wanted someone like I wanted him. I don't know how to imagine my life without him. I don't know how to stop hoping that he still wants me. I don't know how to stop wondering if he even cares about me at all.

But the Monica that is Monica loves ME more. I know that...I'm just trying to believe that. To be that. I am making it day to day.

I love him.

I miss him.

But I have got to know that I didn't deserve any of this. I just don't know that yet. I'm just being honest.

I'm trying...