What difference does it make?

I think it's safe to say that most of us have posed this mostly rhetorical question a time or five. Let me get right to the toe-stepping: if you've made this statement-YOU are an asshole.

I'm not judging you, I'm not labeling you-all I'm saying is that the moment you made that statement to whomever you made it to, in that same moment you reached asshole status. You can quit reading now, or we can discuss.

Usually, if you have to pose this question-it's too late to make the difference, but you're asking someone to accept something outside of what is acceptable and "what difference does it make" actually means "Just deal with it!" Guess you're wondering what type of scenarios I'm speaking of? Or maybe you're trying to decide if there's a scenario that I'm NOT speaking of.

I hear parents saying this a lot of times about things pertaining to their children. "What difference does it make if I buy X label or Y label for your school supplies?" Well in this instance, probably not much as far as performance goes but you're teaching your children to question authority, to ask questions when given instruction, and to assume they know what's best when a suggestion has been given. See what I'm saying?

I heard somebody say "What difference does it make if I pay him back today or in a month?". Well obviously he isn't getting his money today, but the difference is that that person didn't have to let you borrow any money at all. The difference is whatever you needed that money for, you got it and you took it for selfish reasons and now you want to be upset that they expect you to honor YOUR word when they did what YOU asked? The difference is the next time you need some money, I hope you have more friends because you're going to be without whatever it is that you got.

Many a time I've heard a woman griping about that man that she's been with forever and he wants to know "What's the difference if we're married or not?" How about being able to show someone before God that you are committed? I understand that a piece of paper shouldn't change a relationship but sometimes it does. I've been the friend for more than one of my friends to whom I've had to share that the person they ARE is certainly not the person they were before marriage. And if you get stuck in this situation, you didn't do enough research on that person to make sure you know who he/she is through and through. A piece of paper doesn't solidify your commitment, but it sure makes you responsible for what happens if you don't RESPECT it. Chances are if you have a man or woman asking what's the difference, the difference is they don't want to be married because they aren't acting like a person who WANTS to be married SHOULD. Chances are that your biggest problem probably isn't commitment, it's probably fidelity and trust.

How about the man/woman carrying on a relationship with someone while BEING married. "What's the difference if I'm married or not, I'm here with you". The difference is the man/woman you're with doesn't get any benefit that you bring to the married table. The difference is that everything that other man/woman does for you is in fact beneficiary to YOUR spouse. The difference is that your spouse is entitled to everything you have and the only thing your OTHER is entitled to is hurt feelings and a letter from you stating how many community service hours they gave you because what they did for you, no matter how much or how little, was for FREE. If anything they did for you was to benefit you, they also did it to benefit you and YOUR family that they are not a part of. The difference is that if you want to be married, you should be married and they should be looking at you and realizing you aren't spouse material ANYWAY. The difference is that the person you are with is part of YOUR wrongdoing and is that someone suitable to be with anyway? Is that someone whose judgment you should trust? Is it someone you're going to always run over because they allowed you to deem them as #2 to your #1? And if you are the guilty party-have you somehow convinced yourself that this is different? I'd go ahead and substitute "different" for "stupid". True enough, you can't help who you love. But you can help HOW you love WHO you love.

How about when we ask ourselves "WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?". If you are asking yourself that question, you are second guessing yourself...and if YOU can't stand up to YOU, chances are you get asked this question often and it is rhetorical because the other person knows the answer. NONE. When you have to ask yourself this, you are now asking yourself to settle for a circumstance you had previously deemed unsatisfactory. If you have to ask yourself this, you've moved off the asshole platform straight into Stupid county, located in Settling City. All locations you will find blogs about right here to the right -------->.

Is the question "what difference does it make?" or is the question "what difference do YOU make?"

If the answer is NONE, then you are in the wrong place, at the wrong moment...

at the RIGHT TIME.

What difference do I make? A big difference. So much so that after most have existed in my world, they don't want to exist anywhere else.

What difference do they make?

Some.
None.
All.


I'm still learning. The biggest difference is me.

I'm not who I used to be.
I don't know what I'm going to be.
But I know how to just be.

What's the difference?

Craig...I'm addicted to your list.

Ok...this post will be like none other you've ever read. The behavior I'm about to explain...MY behavior that I'm about to explain, is like none other you've ever read, I've ever written about, or that you've ever expected. There will be some straight up offensive language, material, and topics in this post. If you're not up for it-please stop reading. The only reference to God I'm going to make is RIGHT HERE to just say please forgive me for posting this nonsense, but now that I'm done with it, I have GOT to get this off my chest.

Okay? Disclaimer is done...

If you're still reading, you're a pervert in my book or so nosy that you are now no longer allowed to judge me or make comments of the judgemental type. This happened on accident.

Of course when working in a professional setting or maintaining a professional setting for your business there are firewalls. Now there are tools that will tell you what type of sites are visited most often, blocked most often...blah blah blah. I happened to see Craigslist getting hit multiple times, so in an effort to maybe unblock since I use this site for advertising, etc...I click on the link.

HOLY BUCKETS, JESUS. IS THAT A PENIS ON CRAIGSLIST??
I quickly close out and confirm YES, this site should be blocked.

Now, this was around the time I was looking for houses-and on my handy dandy new android phone, there is a Craigslist app. So, since I had found a house-I went to delete the notifications...and then the addiction started. Here is where I start confessing...and this is where you start judging...BEAT IT.

I added new notifications to my list, Craig. I added casual encounters...trying to see if I can see who is around me that's either a pervy poster or a pervy responder. That's how it started. Then as I was reading the foolishness and they referenced other spots, I added those to. So, in completion-I was getting notifications of the casual encounters, men for men, men for women, women for men, women for women, and misc romance.

Now listen, since the Chief left-my social life has taken a complete nosedive. I didn't realize how much of the freetime I don't have I spent with him. I didn't realize how much he actually DOES get me and how much I kind of preferred his company to anyone else's. My closest friends are cupcaked up and now married, and my other friends-well, they're just others. In the departure of the Chief and their kind of disregard for him, or asking WHEN I was going to move on let me know that 1-they didn't take my feelings for him seriously, 2-even if they did take my feelings for him seriously they are some disrespectful clucks, 3-I really am at a different place where people that don't GET the big picture don't really interest me anymore. I'll give them a call when I want to go party-but since they can't seem to find anything more worthwhile or more important-I'm not that moved to be around them much. Spectator friends-that's a blog for another day.

Now let me say this-I didn't even know there was a personals section on Craigslist until some crazy chick I used to work with would meet her guy friends there. I thought it was crazy then, and do NOT EVER BE CONFUSED-I still think it's crazy now!! When she was all beside herself cause the dude turned out to be one night stands disguised as genuine dudes, or crazy-trains that were addicted to porn and internet-I laughed on the inside at her.

Listen, I'm sure people have some really rewarding, successful, and e-xcellent relationships from meeting someone online. Hell, we put our pics up on Facebook, Twitter, all kinds of stuff. BUT THERE ARE PRIVACY CONTROLS! I mean, even at the dating sites, I get the idea that if I pay and someone else pays, then we can be mutually viewed as two people who are invested in trying to find love and are serious about finding prospects. BUT CRAIGSLIST?? CRAIGSLIST IS FREE!!

I won't share pictures, although let me tell you-these people post some pictures OK!!! I mean face shots, body shots...and every other kind of perverted shot you could think of-they are on Craigslist. Here are some sample postings...again-this is some x-rated, crazy, weird ass shit...excuse the language there is no other words to explain. I have to get my thoughts out...I just have to.

First of all, every woman in America should be reading these posts. I promise 80% of the postings are MARRIED MEN looking for some "gay-play". I can't BELIEVE how many people are scavengers for these poor military men, and I am the MOST dumbfounded at MILITARY GUYS posting pics of their face AND their business!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!! And the weird fetishes, just weird. So, if I judge by my CL education, I'd say most gay guys shave down there. Can you guys pass this on to your straight counterparts? There are some postings where the guys want a HAIRY man. I'm always a little tickled by the men that want a "straight acting" man to come be a bottom or top for them. AND, for the love of all things, MEN, stop posting in the MEN FOR MEN and saying something stupid like "Straight married man for head". Newsflash SUGAR, heavy on the SUGAR-YOU ARE NOT STRAIGHT. If you like to put your shit in another man's ANYTHING that isn't his wife or girlfriend, YOU ARE GAY. Miss me with the bi-curious thing too. It's a nice way of saying you're greedy when it comes to sex. I'll take try-sexual, but bi? NO. Then I started realizing that some of these men post for men and women in different sections (see why it's important to cross reference?).

Now, the transgender and cross dressers-I have seen some that definitely made me pause because they were quite convincing. There is nothing more disturbing than seeing a lady in a shirt and skirt, a lady in some lingerie, and then that lady with her legs open and her dick at full attention. I mean, if that gave me pause-I kind of feel for the men that might have been looking like I.

I'd like to just slap some of the women on Craigslist. I mean, buy a fucking clue you desperate clucks. REALLY. I'm sorry. I warned you at the beginning, I swear I did. First of all, you white women that are so hard up for a BBC (Big black cock), I mean really-how many trucks have ran over your face with all 18 wheels? It can't be that hard. And conversely, I"m also amused by the people that say "Absolutely no-whites, blacks, BBW (Big Beautiful Women), shorter than XYZ, taller than XYZ", and the disclaimers "Please be GL (Good looking) cause I AM!" Really? That's why you're posting on a free site that your co-workers, kids, PASTORS, or anybody could be looking at? I mean no WONDER it was easy for a killer to target somebody...is it really this bad to date?

When people say things like "Looks don't matter". I assume they are one inch away from looking like they walked out of a special effects trailer to be THAT ugly, or a Dr. Phil reject to be that insecure. I mean, really-you would rather really try these things with a stranger than someone you might be comfortable with?? But I do love the disclaimer that they have been told that they are good looking. Then why can't you do freaky stuff with the people that tell you that?!!

The couples kind of confuse me. You are a couple, you want to bring another person or persons in to spice up your sex life. UM...ok. To each his own. I mean, the women that are looking for another chick to do their man-that's some self confidence right there. How do you know this chick wouldn't come in and turn him out? And you get to be a witness to the last time your man was looking at you like you could do something and the beginning of him looking at you sideways because he's been missing out. If you guys have a great relationship, why is HE or SHE looking for someone else. Look in the mirror, point, and say DUMMY. If I'm being real-that's the type of thing you do on a whim and never see that person again and you do it, it's done, you just don't speak of it again.

Now, there are some trends that go on that I have just been totally perplexed by. First-double penetration. I have decided that the two guys doing this have to be try-sexual. I mean, are you getting off on your stuff being in the a or b hole, or are you really getting off by the other piece that's rubbing on YOUR piece.

Fisting? Um, I'm scared of dongs that are too big. If somebody tried to put a fist in my stuff, I'd put a fist in their face. And the men that do this...I'm just terribly confused. TERRIBLY.

Squirting...this has actually become a new obsession of mine. Obviously this is HOT activity by the number of men that seek the women that can do this-but how do you confirm? I mean maybe all women can squirt...but what do you ask for to verify? Video?? Let's meet, greet, squirt?? Hmmm...I'm just curious if all women CAN do it, and if so-I've been robbed.

Then, there are various places where couples or freaky posters say they are going that I've NEVER heard of. Am I that unaware of the things that go on around me? I mean, this place isn't that big is it??

Now, here are some samples...I couldn't make this stuff up people, I just couldn't...

This one came with an interracial love pic to accompany it:

"M4M Looking for BBC-34 yr: Bootom looking for some bbc to take care of. In need of bbc in my mouth and ass. If you have a few bbc freinds we can make it a group."

Hey guy-thanks for posting a pic of your big 9"+ thing, but you could have left out the pic of you bent over to show your "vers" top action...but here's the posting

"A work out-Downtown Y-22yr: Hey guys sexy black male here short balck hair milk chocoalte skin tone, semi-tone/avg build well hung 9x6 cut dick and ddfree im a vers top I will be going to work out this evening after I get off from work around 7:45 or so and would like to have some fun after I leave the gym or better yet while Im at the gym. my locker is one of the ones that is closest to the showers if you work out at the downtown Y and wanna maybe have some fun hit me up too there are alot of sexy guys there that I wuold not have a problem messing around with lol I have a scorpion tattoo on my RIGHT ASS CHEEK I will rub it and stuff cause its new so if you see me and wanna play just say CUM when you see me in the shower I will most likely be int eh shower that you see right as you walk in and maybe we can have some discreet soap fun. If you just wanna meet me afterwards that coo to you must be able to host and be somewhat in the downtown area or close too you must be very discreet. Ill be in black shorts with a bright shirt" and he ended this with posting his phone number.

I'll give you a minute to gather your thoughts...

Moving on to Casual Encounters:

"Please fuck my man-MW4W-25 yr: I am looking for a sexy woman that will take my man and make him please you in whatever way you want. He is very talented with his tongue and his cock feels good. He is 6'3" white dd free piercedtongue and 6.5" cut and thick. I have some pics of him. All I ask for on this occasion is that tell me all the details when finished. If hot enough maybe we can all get together and have a hot threesome if you are into that. If not that is fine too. Age race and size not important. He will do whatever I tell him too...and we are very real."

"str8 or military cock wanted-45 yr-M4M: bi man looking to suck only. no reciprocation. wanting str8 or military cock, married preferred. Discretion assured and expected in return. must be in decent shape. no oldies or fatties or fems. serious only. today, asap."

"Married...Looking for fun today or tomorrow! -W4W-25 yr: I am married so this must be discreet! I am looking for a hot woman to put my tongue in your nice, clean, and wet pussy! I am a BBW that is 420 friendly so if that's a problem to bad for you. Your picture gets my picture! I am just looking to have some fun1 You must host and not play games. I'm grown and don't have time for it. MUST BE DISEASE FREE as I AM! NO MEN OR COUPLES"

I mean, I could go on and on...entertaining? Yes. Alarming? Yes. True? YESSSSSS! I really love how 99% of the posts say that it has to be discreet. You want discretion but you're posting pics of your stuff on Craigslist. Listen, if my man posted a pic of his thang on the internet...I would KNOW it was his, ok!!??!! The people that post and state they are HIV+ or have Herpes or other stuff, or want to do drugs...is this okay? I mean, how come every police officer in every city isn't meeting these crazies and taking them in one by one?!!

I'm not going to lie...I often wonder WHO ANSWERS THESE ADS?! I mean, who's reading and thinking this is normal. I laugh several times a day. I have to apologize to my friends who have had to suffer through this with me because I send them the ones that I'm too baffled to believe so I have to show someone else what I saw.

Look, I'm posting this now as a confession of sins past, not some sinister premonition into my future or my cause of death. After reading these for so many days, I started walking around classifying people as Craigslist crazy or not. I would be walking in the park looking at people that I used to just think were eating their lunch in their cars. Now I look at them and wonder if they are waiting for some crazy they met on Craiglist!! Now I think everybody is some crazy-train who wants to insert a fist, a foot, or some other crazy anything in any orifice I or anybody else has.

So, this is an educational post. I have certainly been educated in my readings of these postings. I don't know if I have anything further to say.



Getting free stuff on Craigslist has taken on a WHOLE NEW MEANING in my life. You know you're going to look at the ads for your area...and as a friend, if there are good ones-tell me so I can look too!


Hi...I was addicted to Craigslist. I've been clean for about 5 minutes.

The Consequence of Being Whole

Understand, I'm not trying to be boastful or anything less than humble when speaking of myself. I'm going to have to say, in my opinion, as far as women go-I'm an A+ catch. Of course that's my opinion. In a conversation with my mother, we were discussing my complete lack of being able to make a man feel needed and as I listened to her tell me I shouldn't be like that-I just couldn't compute that in my brain. My mother, married for 39 years, telling ME that it's not a good way to be. Explaining how her similar behavior has caused some distance and separation in their relationship. I couldn't accept this as sage advice. I count it as foolishness.

It's a consequence of being whole.

Admittedly, and I'm sure you probably figured that the reason for my entry is not because everything is peachy-it's because, as usual, I need an outlet so that my head doesn't explode. I'm back to where I started, ended, seem to remain-by myself. But all in all-I just don't think it's a bad place to be. I think my LETTER to "Ex-Boyfriends" will probably remain relevant my whole life. However, today I have to ask myself, if the same thing happens over and over-is it them...or is it...ME. ME??

Is there some merit to this "needing" thing my mother speaks of and I have admitted that I am not good at. But how can I not stand by my sentiment that it is better to be WANTED and not NEEDED? I was asked "What do you have to offer a man" at the beginning of this. And I told him, I have NOTHING to offer a man that needs to be needed...BUT as much as I can love me, that's how much I can love somebody else. As much as I can do for me, that's what I can do for somebody else. And in the ending of it all yesterday, my similar sentiment was I DO LOVE YOU, but I will NEVER love you more than I LOVE ME...if I don't stand up for ME, then who will? I had to also share that I WILL be ok. Am I mad? No...I'm PISSED. Am I sad? No...completely DEVASTATED. Do I have time to be lied to, straight IN MY FACE when I read the facts for myself and have names-dates-times-instances-activities-occurrences-pictures and things HE initiated and participated in permanently engraved in this God-forsaken memory? Not today. Not tomorrow. Not EVER.

It's a consequence of being whole.

I take care of people, that's what I do. And it's what I say over and over. And sometimes, yes, I get tired. Sometimes, I get frustrated-not because I need anyone to take care of me, but sometimes I need some room to breathe so that I can take care of me. I give, I give, and I give what I have and what I can because that is who I am. I thank God for having the right words to say when someone needs to hear them. I thank God for having a spirit about me that people feel comforted when I can be there for them. But I could not take care of any of the people I love physically, emotionally, or spiritually without being a WHOLE person. I do not expect anything in return, because I do not need anything in return. I am abundantly blessed in who I am. I am blessed by the friendships I have. Just because someone doesn't give in the way I do, doesn't mean they aren't giving. Only a whole person understands this.

It is a consequence of being whole.

Maybe because the way my mind works, the mathematical sense of being whole makes more sense to me. I am whole and that works for me. I am a whole number. If I add myself to another that is not whole-the addition of a fraction of a whole number and a whole number is a mixed number. See even in mathematics, it just doesn't sound right. If I add a whole number to a whole number-I get a whole number. If I have to add two fractions of a whole to get ONE whole this still isn't whole because it's a sum of parts. I can't be a whole ONLY with the addition of something else. This might not make sense to you but it makes perfect sense to me. I'm whole...and trying to add myself to anything less than that is just a mixed number...a MESS. It doesn't work.

It is my consequence for being whole.

And as hurt as my feelings are-this situation or any other one I've had to go through doesn't take a part of me. It doesn't take away from my wholeness, it adds TO IT. And the more whole I become, I realize the WHOLE I have to mix with has to be greater too...or maybe, I'm just not for mixing at all. I don't think my happiness is contingent on sharing my life with anybody other than the people I already have in it. I have loved, I believe I have been loved, and I do believe LOVE NEVER FAILS!! So apparent in my reaction to this situation-it was as if nothing much had really happened. But why fall all over myself and the situation? It was lovely while I was in love. And although I can't just fall out of love-that love is something he will never forget I am sure. That love will either teach him how to love or how he wants to be loved. It will show him he deserves love and how he should be loved. I didn't fail, love didn't fail, but it's just not enough. I can't say never, but I can for sure say not right now. I'm not sorry. Unlike the me I was some time ago, I believe that the opportunity to love someone is a blessing. Whether they receive it, appreciate it and/or reciprocate it is irrelevant. Love never fails, it never ends...the fact that you loved will always remain and I won't hold back, I won't give up, I won't be sad-it was wonderful. And I have it to give to someone else who wants it, and if not-I have it for me. The way you can love someone is directly proportionate to how much you love YOU. I'm not sorry. I will not look back. I will not be sad. I will move on as flawlessly today as I do everyday.

It's a consequence of being whole.

There are no questions to be asked. There are no what if's to ponder. There is no waiting period for forgiveness-I forgive him and realize I knew who he was all along and I hope I helped him see who I saw, who I KNOW-but I also realize the person he chooses to be may not be who he wants to be, but I can't change his mind about HIM. I know he can be better than I even know-but I don't see it NOW. Change will come, and I hope when it does he receives all the happiness, peace, and love he so deserves. I didn't foresee this ending, to be completely honest I didn't foresee an ending at all...but, I welcome God's unchanging hand in my life and trust that he knows whats best for me. I don't have any doubts-he will take care of me. Whoever will be will be. Whoever will not be just won't. I'm going to be here-thankful for the trial and claiming it as a testimony. I know how to love me...and in such, I don't need anybody else to do so-there is no greater love than the LOVE I know.

It's a consequence of being whole.