Understand, I'm not trying to be boastful or anything less than humble when speaking of myself. I'm going to have to say, in my opinion, as far as women go-I'm an A+ catch. Of course that's my opinion. In a conversation with my mother, we were discussing my complete lack of being able to make a man feel needed and as I listened to her tell me I shouldn't be like that-I just couldn't compute that in my brain. My mother, married for 39 years, telling ME that it's not a good way to be. Explaining how her similar behavior has caused some distance and separation in their relationship. I couldn't accept this as sage advice. I count it as foolishness.
It's a consequence of being whole.
Admittedly, and I'm sure you probably figured that the reason for my entry is not because everything is peachy-it's because, as usual, I need an outlet so that my head doesn't explode. I'm back to where I started, ended, seem to remain-by myself. But all in all-I just don't think it's a bad place to be. I think my LETTER to "Ex-Boyfriends" will probably remain relevant my whole life. However, today I have to ask myself, if the same thing happens over and over-is it them...or is it...ME. ME??
Is there some merit to this "needing" thing my mother speaks of and I have admitted that I am not good at. But how can I not stand by my sentiment that it is better to be WANTED and not NEEDED? I was asked "What do you have to offer a man" at the beginning of this. And I told him, I have NOTHING to offer a man that needs to be needed...BUT as much as I can love me, that's how much I can love somebody else. As much as I can do for me, that's what I can do for somebody else. And in the ending of it all yesterday, my similar sentiment was I DO LOVE YOU, but I will NEVER love you more than I LOVE ME...if I don't stand up for ME, then who will? I had to also share that I WILL be ok. Am I mad? No...I'm PISSED. Am I sad? No...completely DEVASTATED. Do I have time to be lied to, straight IN MY FACE when I read the facts for myself and have names-dates-times-instances-activities-occurrences-pictures and things HE initiated and participated in permanently engraved in this God-forsaken memory? Not today. Not tomorrow. Not EVER.
It's a consequence of being whole.
I take care of people, that's what I do. And it's what I say over and over. And sometimes, yes, I get tired. Sometimes, I get frustrated-not because I need anyone to take care of me, but sometimes I need some room to breathe so that I can take care of me. I give, I give, and I give what I have and what I can because that is who I am. I thank God for having the right words to say when someone needs to hear them. I thank God for having a spirit about me that people feel comforted when I can be there for them. But I could not take care of any of the people I love physically, emotionally, or spiritually without being a WHOLE person. I do not expect anything in return, because I do not need anything in return. I am abundantly blessed in who I am. I am blessed by the friendships I have. Just because someone doesn't give in the way I do, doesn't mean they aren't giving. Only a whole person understands this.
It is a consequence of being whole.
Maybe because the way my mind works, the mathematical sense of being whole makes more sense to me. I am whole and that works for me. I am a whole number. If I add myself to another that is not whole-the addition of a fraction of a whole number and a whole number is a mixed number. See even in mathematics, it just doesn't sound right. If I add a whole number to a whole number-I get a whole number. If I have to add two fractions of a whole to get ONE whole this still isn't whole because it's a sum of parts. I can't be a whole ONLY with the addition of something else. This might not make sense to you but it makes perfect sense to me. I'm whole...and trying to add myself to anything less than that is just a mixed number...a MESS. It doesn't work.
It is my consequence for being whole.
And as hurt as my feelings are-this situation or any other one I've had to go through doesn't take a part of me. It doesn't take away from my wholeness, it adds TO IT. And the more whole I become, I realize the WHOLE I have to mix with has to be greater too...or maybe, I'm just not for mixing at all. I don't think my happiness is contingent on sharing my life with anybody other than the people I already have in it. I have loved, I believe I have been loved, and I do believe LOVE NEVER FAILS!! So apparent in my reaction to this situation-it was as if nothing much had really happened. But why fall all over myself and the situation? It was lovely while I was in love. And although I can't just fall out of love-that love is something he will never forget I am sure. That love will either teach him how to love or how he wants to be loved. It will show him he deserves love and how he should be loved. I didn't fail, love didn't fail, but it's just not enough. I can't say never, but I can for sure say not right now. I'm not sorry. Unlike the me I was some time ago, I believe that the opportunity to love someone is a blessing. Whether they receive it, appreciate it and/or reciprocate it is irrelevant. Love never fails, it never ends...the fact that you loved will always remain and I won't hold back, I won't give up, I won't be sad-it was wonderful. And I have it to give to someone else who wants it, and if not-I have it for me. The way you can love someone is directly proportionate to how much you love YOU. I'm not sorry. I will not look back. I will not be sad. I will move on as flawlessly today as I do everyday.
It's a consequence of being whole.
There are no questions to be asked. There are no what if's to ponder. There is no waiting period for forgiveness-I forgive him and realize I knew who he was all along and I hope I helped him see who I saw, who I KNOW-but I also realize the person he chooses to be may not be who he wants to be, but I can't change his mind about HIM. I know he can be better than I even know-but I don't see it NOW. Change will come, and I hope when it does he receives all the happiness, peace, and love he so deserves. I didn't foresee this ending, to be completely honest I didn't foresee an ending at all...but, I welcome God's unchanging hand in my life and trust that he knows whats best for me. I don't have any doubts-he will take care of me. Whoever will be will be. Whoever will not be just won't. I'm going to be here-thankful for the trial and claiming it as a testimony. I know how to love me...and in such, I don't need anybody else to do so-there is no greater love than the LOVE I know.
It's a consequence of being whole.
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Dear Ex-Boyfriend(s)...
Dear Ex-Boyfriend(s),
I know you're probably surprised to hear from me. You might have been expecting a giant outburst, hate mail, or something similar-but I'd really like to take this opportunity to Thank You.
Yes, THANK YOU.
As I've taken time to really think back over the time we spent, I really felt compelled to take a moment to let you know that you helped me more than you know. Of course you made me stronger, but let me also add to that wiser. And, after your exit, I realized I am not as crazy as you would have liked me to believe. I am, and have always been, the woman you needed but did not deserve.
First-I'd like to thank you for affirming that my gut instincts and my sixth sense are as keen as I believed. Nevermind the fact that you always stood right in my face and lied-I'll get to that later. Whatever made me check your phone, or your e-mail, or your pockets-that was not because I am jealous, or crazy, or insecure-it's because YOU are not as slick as you think. I can't explain to you the feeling that I got or where it came from. I can just tell you that all things that happen in the darkness will come to the light. I can tell you that God has a way of making you see something you are just not ready to see no matter how painful it is. So Thank you for showing me that my gut instincts are right on target, and the only enemy of my sixth sense is you.
Thank you also for showing me that I am very capable of forgiveness. After all, I forgave you over and over again when in hindsight I don't think you deserved it even once. But let's not rehash old pain. I forgave you and we moved on. Now whether or not I kept bringing up your actions, I still forgave you. I showed myself that I do have the power to forgive. And if I had the strength and patience to forgive you, surely I could do wonders for somebody that actually deserves and will capitolize on a second chance.
I'd like to thank you for all of your false accusations. I might not have ever had the chance to know what it feels like when you accuse somebody for something that they honestly did not do. I might not have known how old it gets to be interrogated for things that happened in your imagination and not in real life. I might not have been able to relate to how old it gets when someone's insecurity shines brighter than any other thing they have to offer. I'm thanking you for this because now I know to just ask a simple question if I have doubts. And if I doubt the answer-I can simply walk away. So this goes hand in hand with the gut instincts you have shown me that I should always trust. Thank you for showing me how ugly insecurity can be and showing me how obvious a guilty conscience is.
Thank you for cheating on me. There is no way I would have ever known that you didn't deserve me had you not just blatantly disrespected me. I know that over and over again I asked what these girls had that I didn't, what you wanted from them that you couldn't get from me, and why you had to go to someone else when you had me. Now I know that this is an impossible question, because no answer you ever would have given could satisfy my heart. There is nothing that these girls had that I didn't-they just had your time and attention for the moment you were with them. They just made you feel like you were "the man" in a moment when you needed more attention because YOU felt like you weren't enough for me. Although your actions were kind of backwards, I thank you-because you were NOT, after all, enough for me. I realize that you wanted to be NEEDED. You just didn't understand my sentiment that NEEDING somebody is a very unhealthy emotion-but WANTING somebody is more powerful. You thought those girls needed you, and then when they didn't WANT you because you only showed them how untrustworthy and how unfaithful you-maybe THEN you realized my point.
Thank you for lying to me. We've already discussed the gut instincts and the sixth sense. And I'm sure the lying came in somewhere with the cheating or the false accusations. You showed me how ugly it is when a lie falls out of someone's mouth. You showed me that lying to someone is basically like standing in somebody's face and saying "I don't love you. I don't respect you. I think you are stupid". And I may have been-but I thank you for giving me the opportunity to realize that stupid is as stupid does, and I would NOT participate with you.
Thank you for hurting me. Had you never hurt me, I might not know how to heal. But because of your deception, or lies, or adulterous ways, or childish ways-whatever it may have been-that hurt allowed me to grow and be bigger than even I knew I could be. I might have been down for a period of time, but being down showed me that I had to get up. And when I got up, I got up WITH the hurt that you gave to me but then I got over it and let that hurt elevate me to a new level. I wouldn't be here looking down on you now had I not been able to get up over it.
Thank you for allowing me to love you. I know somewhere in your mind you may believe that this sentiment still exists. Love can be everlasting, but in our case-it will not last forever. I thank you for this opportunity because whatever I gave you unselfishly, however I loved you-that will always be what I gave to you from the most pure place in my heart. I showed myself that I can love without circumstance and I can keep loving with no barriers. You see, the importance in this is that I didn't lose any love in you. Loving somebody is the greatest thing we can do-and just because you didn't appreciate it doesn't mean that my love didn't mean anything, it didn't lose any power. So, I am elated at the idea that if I could have loved you, imagine the limits that I could surpass in loving somebody who WANTS me to love them the way that I WANT them to love me!!
You have given me so many things-I thought you deserved a Thank you note. Lastly, thank you for the timely exit in my life. It was probably a combination of all these things that led me to leave you or to accept the fact that you left me. Everything that I gave you-I'm proud of that and so very excited to give these things to someone who deserves them and watch them breed and grow.
I always say that the worst thing you can ever do is stop believing that someone can change. So while I thank you for these things that you gave me, I don't hold you accountable for them forever. You can move on too...just not with me. I hope that my unwillingness to talk to you or friend you does not offend you. It's just that if you weren't good for me then, I'm not quite sure how you can be good for me now. And you should want better for yourself than a friend who doubts who you are and what you have to offer. I take responsibility for all the things that I may have done that added to our relationship going sour. I have forgiven myself, and I forgive you.
So-I hope that this Thank You finds you well. I hope that you understand that there is no underlying evil or maliciousness in this letter to you. You helped me find a part of me that I might not have been able to find, but I assure you that if you could not handle me then-don't even try to deal with me now. You can go on. I hope that you find a woman that is everything you WANT and I wish you all the best. I can't look back because I'm moving onward and upward so fast I might miss something that awaits me that is AHEAD of me, that is FOR me. I hope you are thankful for the time you had the opportunity to be in my life. I am thankful for the lessons I learned, but I see no need to repeat past lessons when I have graduated to a new level.
So, thank you.
Good-bye...Forever.
I know you're probably surprised to hear from me. You might have been expecting a giant outburst, hate mail, or something similar-but I'd really like to take this opportunity to Thank You.
Yes, THANK YOU.
As I've taken time to really think back over the time we spent, I really felt compelled to take a moment to let you know that you helped me more than you know. Of course you made me stronger, but let me also add to that wiser. And, after your exit, I realized I am not as crazy as you would have liked me to believe. I am, and have always been, the woman you needed but did not deserve.
First-I'd like to thank you for affirming that my gut instincts and my sixth sense are as keen as I believed. Nevermind the fact that you always stood right in my face and lied-I'll get to that later. Whatever made me check your phone, or your e-mail, or your pockets-that was not because I am jealous, or crazy, or insecure-it's because YOU are not as slick as you think. I can't explain to you the feeling that I got or where it came from. I can just tell you that all things that happen in the darkness will come to the light. I can tell you that God has a way of making you see something you are just not ready to see no matter how painful it is. So Thank you for showing me that my gut instincts are right on target, and the only enemy of my sixth sense is you.
Thank you also for showing me that I am very capable of forgiveness. After all, I forgave you over and over again when in hindsight I don't think you deserved it even once. But let's not rehash old pain. I forgave you and we moved on. Now whether or not I kept bringing up your actions, I still forgave you. I showed myself that I do have the power to forgive. And if I had the strength and patience to forgive you, surely I could do wonders for somebody that actually deserves and will capitolize on a second chance.
I'd like to thank you for all of your false accusations. I might not have ever had the chance to know what it feels like when you accuse somebody for something that they honestly did not do. I might not have known how old it gets to be interrogated for things that happened in your imagination and not in real life. I might not have been able to relate to how old it gets when someone's insecurity shines brighter than any other thing they have to offer. I'm thanking you for this because now I know to just ask a simple question if I have doubts. And if I doubt the answer-I can simply walk away. So this goes hand in hand with the gut instincts you have shown me that I should always trust. Thank you for showing me how ugly insecurity can be and showing me how obvious a guilty conscience is.
Thank you for cheating on me. There is no way I would have ever known that you didn't deserve me had you not just blatantly disrespected me. I know that over and over again I asked what these girls had that I didn't, what you wanted from them that you couldn't get from me, and why you had to go to someone else when you had me. Now I know that this is an impossible question, because no answer you ever would have given could satisfy my heart. There is nothing that these girls had that I didn't-they just had your time and attention for the moment you were with them. They just made you feel like you were "the man" in a moment when you needed more attention because YOU felt like you weren't enough for me. Although your actions were kind of backwards, I thank you-because you were NOT, after all, enough for me. I realize that you wanted to be NEEDED. You just didn't understand my sentiment that NEEDING somebody is a very unhealthy emotion-but WANTING somebody is more powerful. You thought those girls needed you, and then when they didn't WANT you because you only showed them how untrustworthy and how unfaithful you-maybe THEN you realized my point.
Thank you for lying to me. We've already discussed the gut instincts and the sixth sense. And I'm sure the lying came in somewhere with the cheating or the false accusations. You showed me how ugly it is when a lie falls out of someone's mouth. You showed me that lying to someone is basically like standing in somebody's face and saying "I don't love you. I don't respect you. I think you are stupid". And I may have been-but I thank you for giving me the opportunity to realize that stupid is as stupid does, and I would NOT participate with you.
Thank you for hurting me. Had you never hurt me, I might not know how to heal. But because of your deception, or lies, or adulterous ways, or childish ways-whatever it may have been-that hurt allowed me to grow and be bigger than even I knew I could be. I might have been down for a period of time, but being down showed me that I had to get up. And when I got up, I got up WITH the hurt that you gave to me but then I got over it and let that hurt elevate me to a new level. I wouldn't be here looking down on you now had I not been able to get up over it.
Thank you for allowing me to love you. I know somewhere in your mind you may believe that this sentiment still exists. Love can be everlasting, but in our case-it will not last forever. I thank you for this opportunity because whatever I gave you unselfishly, however I loved you-that will always be what I gave to you from the most pure place in my heart. I showed myself that I can love without circumstance and I can keep loving with no barriers. You see, the importance in this is that I didn't lose any love in you. Loving somebody is the greatest thing we can do-and just because you didn't appreciate it doesn't mean that my love didn't mean anything, it didn't lose any power. So, I am elated at the idea that if I could have loved you, imagine the limits that I could surpass in loving somebody who WANTS me to love them the way that I WANT them to love me!!
You have given me so many things-I thought you deserved a Thank you note. Lastly, thank you for the timely exit in my life. It was probably a combination of all these things that led me to leave you or to accept the fact that you left me. Everything that I gave you-I'm proud of that and so very excited to give these things to someone who deserves them and watch them breed and grow.
I always say that the worst thing you can ever do is stop believing that someone can change. So while I thank you for these things that you gave me, I don't hold you accountable for them forever. You can move on too...just not with me. I hope that my unwillingness to talk to you or friend you does not offend you. It's just that if you weren't good for me then, I'm not quite sure how you can be good for me now. And you should want better for yourself than a friend who doubts who you are and what you have to offer. I take responsibility for all the things that I may have done that added to our relationship going sour. I have forgiven myself, and I forgive you.
So-I hope that this Thank You finds you well. I hope that you understand that there is no underlying evil or maliciousness in this letter to you. You helped me find a part of me that I might not have been able to find, but I assure you that if you could not handle me then-don't even try to deal with me now. You can go on. I hope that you find a woman that is everything you WANT and I wish you all the best. I can't look back because I'm moving onward and upward so fast I might miss something that awaits me that is AHEAD of me, that is FOR me. I hope you are thankful for the time you had the opportunity to be in my life. I am thankful for the lessons I learned, but I see no need to repeat past lessons when I have graduated to a new level.
So, thank you.
Good-bye...Forever.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Why Are You Talking to Me?
"I hate black people"
Unfortunately, this was the statement made to my 9-year old during recess yesterday. To which he replied, "Then why are you talking to me?!"
I thought his response was great. I talked it over with him. I thought we were done with it...and then I caught him deep in thought later in the evening. I asked what was wrong, he replied nothing. I asked what he was thinking about-and the tears started falling.
It frustrates me to no end when I don't have an answer for his queries. It makes me sick to my stomach that he had to go through this and it made me feel like a failure because even through everything I told him, I KNOW it doesn't take the pain away.
So in this situation, I have to hope that he believes that everything he knows and has been told about God is true. I have to trust that telling him that God had this planned out for him will lead him to be grateful and not angry. I have to believe that that he will turn that pain into the RIGHT energy to feed the RIGHT things. I hope that he can follow through on our conversation of forgiveness and where it comes from and WHY we forgive in the first place. And then to look him squarely in the eye and tell him that this was not the first and probably won't be the last-so hard.
I do however think his reply was priceless...if you hate me, then why ARE you talking to me?
Good for him.
We work twice as hard, so we are twice as good.
I know he is being made strong...I just hope I have given him the proper tools to allow his spirit to take that journey.
Unfortunately, this was the statement made to my 9-year old during recess yesterday. To which he replied, "Then why are you talking to me?!"
I thought his response was great. I talked it over with him. I thought we were done with it...and then I caught him deep in thought later in the evening. I asked what was wrong, he replied nothing. I asked what he was thinking about-and the tears started falling.
It frustrates me to no end when I don't have an answer for his queries. It makes me sick to my stomach that he had to go through this and it made me feel like a failure because even through everything I told him, I KNOW it doesn't take the pain away.
So in this situation, I have to hope that he believes that everything he knows and has been told about God is true. I have to trust that telling him that God had this planned out for him will lead him to be grateful and not angry. I have to believe that that he will turn that pain into the RIGHT energy to feed the RIGHT things. I hope that he can follow through on our conversation of forgiveness and where it comes from and WHY we forgive in the first place. And then to look him squarely in the eye and tell him that this was not the first and probably won't be the last-so hard.
I do however think his reply was priceless...if you hate me, then why ARE you talking to me?
Good for him.
We work twice as hard, so we are twice as good.
I know he is being made strong...I just hope I have given him the proper tools to allow his spirit to take that journey.
Monday, August 24, 2009
You Haven't Changed My Life...You Just Wish You Had
Sometimes, the most horrible thing you will ever see is when you truly open your eyes and examine yourself. Realizing that 100% of what you go through is based on 100% of the choices you make is most of the time a reality you don't want to accept.
"In life you must only do two things. You must make choices and you must die. But for every choice you make there is a consequence" Author Unknown
This quote was in my english classroom when I was in 8th grade. It made no sense to me then, but that is the black and white. Fortunately, we get an opportunity to make these choices over and over and over again. Making the same WRONG choice is just what we...hell maybe I...do too often.
I have A LOT of things going on right now. Being pulled every which way, stress weighing down HEAVY-but I've just been looking at in the face trying not to panic and just knowing that God is working it all out. So, being able to hand over the REAL burdens in my life is a great testament to how far I've come. But it has also had me focused on the things I don't ever really bother going to God with.
Relationships.
Sigh.
Listen-I don't pray to God for a man, I don't pray to God for companionship...I don't pray for things like that. Nothing against people who do...but I got real life shyt that I need God to handle for me. This is not a pressing matter in my mind. Everytime I hear somebody telling somebody else to "ask" God for exactly what you want-I think that is completely stupid. However, I realize that I am still working on ME...so I need God to fix ME. I'm not worried about anybody else's fixing. I try to just keep an open mind and not block my own blessings when it comes to these type things. Obviously-I don't have great taste in men. Obviously.
Over and over and over again, I deal with men that are not up what my standard SHOULD be. I'm not ever surprised when they disappoint-I can't even really call it disappointment because it's almost expected. So I have to ask myself, and I haven't been asking myself often enough, WHY EVEN DEAL WITH THESE LAMES??! I don't know...I have a weakness for a great smile, and having the upper hand. The latter, I don't claim lightly-it's just something I've come to realize. It's just the truth. For a long, long time, I said that it is not important to me that a man be on the same level financially, educationally, spiritually etc. As long as he knew who he was and had a goal-I was ok with that. I didn't want to be the type of person that passed up a good man just because he didn't have the greatest job or wasn't in the greatest situation. I guess I always give people the benefit of the doubt to a certain point-but honestly-that needs to stop. I don't talk about how many degrees I have, I don't talk about what's in my bank account, I don't push my religious ideas and morals on somebody else. I used to just listen and decide whether they were passionate about life, in general a good person, and let that just ride. I would always wonder why and how somewhere down the line I started hearing things like "I'm not on your level", "I'm not settled like you", "I don't have it like you" because I would never bring these things up. Well, how in the blue hell did I expect any MAN not taking care of his MANLY business to fare well next to an educated, settled, strong WOMAN?
I am too smart to be this stupid, I swear.
Where is this coming from?
Well, awhile back I met a guy at my favorite hangout. Handsome? OF course...this is what leads me to hand out all the passes in the first place. I think I really am like a dude most of the time. I don't really care what a dude is talking about as long as he's going to give me what I want. I'll smile, nod, and even pretend to be interested...just get me to my happy place and it's all good.
Honesty is ugly sometimes, right?
So, we chit chat and he proceeds to tell me he is married.
This is the part where I should have departed. Nope.
BAD CHOICE #1,999, 999, 999, 834, 829, 123
He said "it's complicated". I told him right THEN that I didn't want to hear about his personal business. Here's the thing-you can tell when a married man is open to other options. IF I EVER got married, there are some things I would never deny my husband and certain ways I would never treat him-because while those women are at home thinking they taught their husband a lesson-there's a woman SOMEWHERE who intends to let their husband's know they don't have to put up with that and are willing to offer the same things. I know, because more than once I've been one of them.
Honesty-you can frown, but it is what it is.
Nothing ever really happened between me and this dude. Mostly, because him and his wife did indeed have a "situation", but he is visible hurt and still in love with his wife. So, most of our conversations were about what she did and how fed up he was. This dude is not a cheater, even though he thinks he is. He's a miserably unhappy person, and I just can not get with that.
So...I believe we had our last conversation on Saturday night. I will just transcribe word for word here.
Him: Hey you
Me: What?
Him: U busy
Me: Watching TV with my guy
Him: Oh ok...so what did ya'll do today
Me: Golfed, swam, rafted...I am exhausted.
Him: LOL that's cool
Him: I'm goin back home soon
Me: To LA?
Him: Yep
Me: Just you?
Him: Yep goin to go file for divorce at the courthouse
Me: Oh. To stay?
Him: Idk yet
Him: If I can get a car and a job I'll stay out here. Its cheap here too expensive back home I can't afford to stay at home
Me: Wow
Him: Her mom is here to visit and we was talkin outside and she told me that I'm a good father and didn't realize I did so much around the house
Him: She can't believe how lazy her daughter is she didn't raise her that way
Me: She acts that way because she can.
Him: Yep and her mom is kinda pissed off but she doesn't want to get involved
Me: Um...she shouldn't. Her daughter is grown.
Him: That's what she said
Him: If I don't do anything around the house it don't get done
Me: So then you do it eventually right? What do you think she's going to do when you are gone?
Him: Her momma has cleaned up more than she has since we moved here and her momma has only been here a week
Him: She has no choice but to do it
Him: She talks to her mom any kinda way
Me: Ok...well then that "I didn't raise her like that" line is bullshit. She tried to show her but didn't MAKE her do anything. I would die is my mom cleaned in MY house.
Me: You think that just started? I doubt it.
Him: Me too
Him: That's why her and my mom don't get along my mom was taking lip from her
Me: Your mom? She talked to YOUR mom crazy??
Him: She tried one day and that day I was about to knock her out
Him: I wish I can file here
Him: Would you miss me if I didn't come back
Me: Um...my life is not going to change if you are here or not. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just saying. It shouldn't matter anyway. You're not happy so you should do what you have to do rectify that.
Him: OK Well would like to c me stay if I was happy
Me: Again. Not life changing. Wouldn't you just like to be happy PERIOD?
Him: U tell it like it is huh?
Me: There isn't any other way. Aren't you tired of bullshit yet?
Him: Yep
Him: How did you get over J.J.
Me: Loaded question...but I wasn't about to stay with someone who didn't care about my well being...I got fed up. I forgave him, accepted responsibility for enabling him to act the way he did, took responsibility for where I was wrong, and moved on with my life. Being miserable is a choice.
Him: Ur rite so I guess you can say I'm the one to blame for allowing this shit to go on
Me: You will drive yourself crazy placing and taking blame. You both have probably been wrong a lot...you wouldn't be where you are now if that weren't true
Him: True
Him: Thank you for the talk
Yes...this crap really happens to me.
Honestly, I don't care who is at fault. Him or his wife-they are miserable people that like to be miserable.
No more married men. I have, unfortunately, said it before-but I'm not quite sure why-being who I am...I'm willing to accept a #2 spot.
Ridiculous.
So...while GOD deals with my real life problems, I think I can handle this on my own. A man is going to have to be in my tax bracket, on my spiritual enrichment plan, and able to comprehend what I do for a living. Why my standards aren't higher...I'm going to stop dwelling on it.
Onward and upward.
If I make it through this week...
Wait...let me thank the Lord NOW for the will, strength, and patience for making it through this week.
"In life you must only do two things. You must make choices and you must die. But for every choice you make there is a consequence" Author Unknown
This quote was in my english classroom when I was in 8th grade. It made no sense to me then, but that is the black and white. Fortunately, we get an opportunity to make these choices over and over and over again. Making the same WRONG choice is just what we...hell maybe I...do too often.
I have A LOT of things going on right now. Being pulled every which way, stress weighing down HEAVY-but I've just been looking at in the face trying not to panic and just knowing that God is working it all out. So, being able to hand over the REAL burdens in my life is a great testament to how far I've come. But it has also had me focused on the things I don't ever really bother going to God with.
Relationships.
Sigh.
Listen-I don't pray to God for a man, I don't pray to God for companionship...I don't pray for things like that. Nothing against people who do...but I got real life shyt that I need God to handle for me. This is not a pressing matter in my mind. Everytime I hear somebody telling somebody else to "ask" God for exactly what you want-I think that is completely stupid. However, I realize that I am still working on ME...so I need God to fix ME. I'm not worried about anybody else's fixing. I try to just keep an open mind and not block my own blessings when it comes to these type things. Obviously-I don't have great taste in men. Obviously.
Over and over and over again, I deal with men that are not up what my standard SHOULD be. I'm not ever surprised when they disappoint-I can't even really call it disappointment because it's almost expected. So I have to ask myself, and I haven't been asking myself often enough, WHY EVEN DEAL WITH THESE LAMES??! I don't know...I have a weakness for a great smile, and having the upper hand. The latter, I don't claim lightly-it's just something I've come to realize. It's just the truth. For a long, long time, I said that it is not important to me that a man be on the same level financially, educationally, spiritually etc. As long as he knew who he was and had a goal-I was ok with that. I didn't want to be the type of person that passed up a good man just because he didn't have the greatest job or wasn't in the greatest situation. I guess I always give people the benefit of the doubt to a certain point-but honestly-that needs to stop. I don't talk about how many degrees I have, I don't talk about what's in my bank account, I don't push my religious ideas and morals on somebody else. I used to just listen and decide whether they were passionate about life, in general a good person, and let that just ride. I would always wonder why and how somewhere down the line I started hearing things like "I'm not on your level", "I'm not settled like you", "I don't have it like you" because I would never bring these things up. Well, how in the blue hell did I expect any MAN not taking care of his MANLY business to fare well next to an educated, settled, strong WOMAN?
I am too smart to be this stupid, I swear.
Where is this coming from?
Well, awhile back I met a guy at my favorite hangout. Handsome? OF course...this is what leads me to hand out all the passes in the first place. I think I really am like a dude most of the time. I don't really care what a dude is talking about as long as he's going to give me what I want. I'll smile, nod, and even pretend to be interested...just get me to my happy place and it's all good.
Honesty is ugly sometimes, right?
So, we chit chat and he proceeds to tell me he is married.
This is the part where I should have departed. Nope.
BAD CHOICE #1,999, 999, 999, 834, 829, 123
He said "it's complicated". I told him right THEN that I didn't want to hear about his personal business. Here's the thing-you can tell when a married man is open to other options. IF I EVER got married, there are some things I would never deny my husband and certain ways I would never treat him-because while those women are at home thinking they taught their husband a lesson-there's a woman SOMEWHERE who intends to let their husband's know they don't have to put up with that and are willing to offer the same things. I know, because more than once I've been one of them.
Honesty-you can frown, but it is what it is.
Nothing ever really happened between me and this dude. Mostly, because him and his wife did indeed have a "situation", but he is visible hurt and still in love with his wife. So, most of our conversations were about what she did and how fed up he was. This dude is not a cheater, even though he thinks he is. He's a miserably unhappy person, and I just can not get with that.
So...I believe we had our last conversation on Saturday night. I will just transcribe word for word here.
Him: Hey you
Me: What?
Him: U busy
Me: Watching TV with my guy
Him: Oh ok...so what did ya'll do today
Me: Golfed, swam, rafted...I am exhausted.
Him: LOL that's cool
Him: I'm goin back home soon
Me: To LA?
Him: Yep
Me: Just you?
Him: Yep goin to go file for divorce at the courthouse
Me: Oh. To stay?
Him: Idk yet
Him: If I can get a car and a job I'll stay out here. Its cheap here too expensive back home I can't afford to stay at home
Me: Wow
Him: Her mom is here to visit and we was talkin outside and she told me that I'm a good father and didn't realize I did so much around the house
Him: She can't believe how lazy her daughter is she didn't raise her that way
Me: She acts that way because she can.
Him: Yep and her mom is kinda pissed off but she doesn't want to get involved
Me: Um...she shouldn't. Her daughter is grown.
Him: That's what she said
Him: If I don't do anything around the house it don't get done
Me: So then you do it eventually right? What do you think she's going to do when you are gone?
Him: Her momma has cleaned up more than she has since we moved here and her momma has only been here a week
Him: She has no choice but to do it
Him: She talks to her mom any kinda way
Me: Ok...well then that "I didn't raise her like that" line is bullshit. She tried to show her but didn't MAKE her do anything. I would die is my mom cleaned in MY house.
Me: You think that just started? I doubt it.
Him: Me too
Him: That's why her and my mom don't get along my mom was taking lip from her
Me: Your mom? She talked to YOUR mom crazy??
Him: She tried one day and that day I was about to knock her out
Him: I wish I can file here
Him: Would you miss me if I didn't come back
Me: Um...my life is not going to change if you are here or not. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just saying. It shouldn't matter anyway. You're not happy so you should do what you have to do rectify that.
Him: OK Well would like to c me stay if I was happy
Me: Again. Not life changing. Wouldn't you just like to be happy PERIOD?
Him: U tell it like it is huh?
Me: There isn't any other way. Aren't you tired of bullshit yet?
Him: Yep
Him: How did you get over J.J.
Me: Loaded question...but I wasn't about to stay with someone who didn't care about my well being...I got fed up. I forgave him, accepted responsibility for enabling him to act the way he did, took responsibility for where I was wrong, and moved on with my life. Being miserable is a choice.
Him: Ur rite so I guess you can say I'm the one to blame for allowing this shit to go on
Me: You will drive yourself crazy placing and taking blame. You both have probably been wrong a lot...you wouldn't be where you are now if that weren't true
Him: True
Him: Thank you for the talk
Yes...this crap really happens to me.
Honestly, I don't care who is at fault. Him or his wife-they are miserable people that like to be miserable.
No more married men. I have, unfortunately, said it before-but I'm not quite sure why-being who I am...I'm willing to accept a #2 spot.
Ridiculous.
So...while GOD deals with my real life problems, I think I can handle this on my own. A man is going to have to be in my tax bracket, on my spiritual enrichment plan, and able to comprehend what I do for a living. Why my standards aren't higher...I'm going to stop dwelling on it.
Onward and upward.
If I make it through this week...
Wait...let me thank the Lord NOW for the will, strength, and patience for making it through this week.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
The Death of the Hater...
At the request of a very dear friend, we are going to have to put to death the term "HATER" and more specifically the saying "Let your haters be your motivators".
I concur...
Let's discuss...
If you are a person that can not stand to see other people do well and try to degrade them in any way possible and find some negativity in what they are doing-this used to be called hating.
Let's be real. You actually are not a hater! You are a pilgrim. Because in all actuality, what you have done is settled for the circumstances in your life. You have decided that instead of trying to get out of your settlement, you'll just make everything seem as pitiful as you. So hater has been retired-but no worries-you CAN MOVE off of Plymouth Rock!!
If you are a person that thinks that every man/woman isn't about anything and thus you find faults in all the men/women that the people around you have in their lives and point out all the bad things and REFUSE to celebrate the good things-this used to be called hating.
CONGRATS AGAIN! You are NOT a hater-you are lonely. Point. Blank. Period. Katt Williams said it best..."You need to find out what it is about YOU". I am 99.9% sure that the men/women in your life have very many things in common and the most common denominator is YOU. Why can I call you on this? Cause I have a knack for giving out passes to men that don't even deserve a spot on ANY team. I'm not judging you-all I'm saying is it might be time to start looking for something different. It might be time to stop thinking that nobody has anything to tell you and listen to them. It might be time to step out of your comfort zone and realize what you thought was good for you isn't good for anybody. If all your friends think every man/woman you bring around isn't good enough for you-they aren't judgmental. You are not judgmental ENOUGH.
Loneliness is not a permanent status-but it can be a permanent mentality-which will lead to a permanent status if you don't CHANGE that mentality.
And please note-I am practicing what I preach!
If you are a person that thinks that everybody you see is too fat, too skinny, too ugly, too tall, too short, not fashionable enough, not perky enough, too perky, etc. etc. etc. and you can NEVER find anything nice to say...this could be called Hater activity.
Truth of the matter is, you are not quick witted, you don't have a good sense of humor, you aren't funny...you are insecure. If there is never anything nice to be said about ANYBODY else-chances are you can't bear the reflection in your mirror. Don't get me wrong, we all have pointed a finger and laughed and giggled...but a lot of us can look at someone and say "WOW, HE/SHE has it going on!" If you can't do that...you're not a hater. You're insecure. And chances are, you are old enough to fix whatever it is about you that you don't like. Insecurity is not permanent, ugliness is. But there's makeup for the outside kind...the inside kind takes a spiritual makeover.
Now, for those of you "letting your haters be your motivators"...this is fine as long as you aren't saying it 100,000 times a day! As a matter of fact, if you've said it more than once this week-chances are they don't motivate you at all-they have you perplexed as to why they hate you in the first place. See definitions of lonely, insecure, and pilgrim above.
So let's stop calling each other "HATERS" and let's call it how it is. Chances are, nobody cares enough to hate you. The things that people see in you are only things that they first recognized in themself. We all just aren't honest enough to admit that.
When someone is negative about everything...I can call it out because I used to find it hard to find anything good about my life.
Thank God for grace.
When someone is complaining about relationship issues...I recognize that loneliness because I'll be the first one to tell you I have relationship/commitment/attachment ISSUES. I just don't let it control me as much as it used to.
I'm still working on me.
When someone can't see the beauty in someone else...I recognize that insecurity because I battled mine for years-I just didn't let those thoughts come out my mouth. I recognize it because I was successful in being able to cover up my insecurities with the other confidences I had in myself and realized that those were the things people always put down. And I realize they "hated" it in me, because they wanted it for themselves.
There is room for plenty of fabulous people.
At the end of the day-what people say about you shouldn't affect you unless you question the same things. In that case-pose the question and find a solution to your problem. Just because a million people think you are worth a million bucks doesn't mean you have a cent in the bank account of YOU.
So, death to the "HATER".
Look in the mirror and value YOU. What you see in other people that you don't like...how does your opinion change their life? And if deep down you have to open your mouth to say something bad about someone else to make yourself feel better...just try to be a better you. Forgive yourself, if you don't-nobody else can. Love yourself-if you don't-nobody else can. Nobody can love you any more than you love yourself. So, I know ya'll love me A LOT! Don't NOBODY love Monica more than Monica, except for Christ himself and thank God for his love, grace, AND mercy!! When you realize how much God loves you in SPITE of who you are, how can you not give him reverence in doing the same.
The world is a very big place...I can't be fabulous by myself and I am surely flawed. There's plenty of room for everybody that wants to enjoy the ride instead of complaining that your seatbelt is too tight!
Dedicated to the "YOU"s that know who they are. I love you guys!
I concur...
Let's discuss...
If you are a person that can not stand to see other people do well and try to degrade them in any way possible and find some negativity in what they are doing-this used to be called hating.
Let's be real. You actually are not a hater! You are a pilgrim. Because in all actuality, what you have done is settled for the circumstances in your life. You have decided that instead of trying to get out of your settlement, you'll just make everything seem as pitiful as you. So hater has been retired-but no worries-you CAN MOVE off of Plymouth Rock!!
If you are a person that thinks that every man/woman isn't about anything and thus you find faults in all the men/women that the people around you have in their lives and point out all the bad things and REFUSE to celebrate the good things-this used to be called hating.
CONGRATS AGAIN! You are NOT a hater-you are lonely. Point. Blank. Period. Katt Williams said it best..."You need to find out what it is about YOU". I am 99.9% sure that the men/women in your life have very many things in common and the most common denominator is YOU. Why can I call you on this? Cause I have a knack for giving out passes to men that don't even deserve a spot on ANY team. I'm not judging you-all I'm saying is it might be time to start looking for something different. It might be time to stop thinking that nobody has anything to tell you and listen to them. It might be time to step out of your comfort zone and realize what you thought was good for you isn't good for anybody. If all your friends think every man/woman you bring around isn't good enough for you-they aren't judgmental. You are not judgmental ENOUGH.
Loneliness is not a permanent status-but it can be a permanent mentality-which will lead to a permanent status if you don't CHANGE that mentality.
And please note-I am practicing what I preach!
If you are a person that thinks that everybody you see is too fat, too skinny, too ugly, too tall, too short, not fashionable enough, not perky enough, too perky, etc. etc. etc. and you can NEVER find anything nice to say...this could be called Hater activity.
Truth of the matter is, you are not quick witted, you don't have a good sense of humor, you aren't funny...you are insecure. If there is never anything nice to be said about ANYBODY else-chances are you can't bear the reflection in your mirror. Don't get me wrong, we all have pointed a finger and laughed and giggled...but a lot of us can look at someone and say "WOW, HE/SHE has it going on!" If you can't do that...you're not a hater. You're insecure. And chances are, you are old enough to fix whatever it is about you that you don't like. Insecurity is not permanent, ugliness is. But there's makeup for the outside kind...the inside kind takes a spiritual makeover.
Now, for those of you "letting your haters be your motivators"...this is fine as long as you aren't saying it 100,000 times a day! As a matter of fact, if you've said it more than once this week-chances are they don't motivate you at all-they have you perplexed as to why they hate you in the first place. See definitions of lonely, insecure, and pilgrim above.
So let's stop calling each other "HATERS" and let's call it how it is. Chances are, nobody cares enough to hate you. The things that people see in you are only things that they first recognized in themself. We all just aren't honest enough to admit that.
When someone is negative about everything...I can call it out because I used to find it hard to find anything good about my life.
Thank God for grace.
When someone is complaining about relationship issues...I recognize that loneliness because I'll be the first one to tell you I have relationship/commitment/attachment ISSUES. I just don't let it control me as much as it used to.
I'm still working on me.
When someone can't see the beauty in someone else...I recognize that insecurity because I battled mine for years-I just didn't let those thoughts come out my mouth. I recognize it because I was successful in being able to cover up my insecurities with the other confidences I had in myself and realized that those were the things people always put down. And I realize they "hated" it in me, because they wanted it for themselves.
There is room for plenty of fabulous people.
At the end of the day-what people say about you shouldn't affect you unless you question the same things. In that case-pose the question and find a solution to your problem. Just because a million people think you are worth a million bucks doesn't mean you have a cent in the bank account of YOU.
So, death to the "HATER".
Look in the mirror and value YOU. What you see in other people that you don't like...how does your opinion change their life? And if deep down you have to open your mouth to say something bad about someone else to make yourself feel better...just try to be a better you. Forgive yourself, if you don't-nobody else can. Love yourself-if you don't-nobody else can. Nobody can love you any more than you love yourself. So, I know ya'll love me A LOT! Don't NOBODY love Monica more than Monica, except for Christ himself and thank God for his love, grace, AND mercy!! When you realize how much God loves you in SPITE of who you are, how can you not give him reverence in doing the same.
The world is a very big place...I can't be fabulous by myself and I am surely flawed. There's plenty of room for everybody that wants to enjoy the ride instead of complaining that your seatbelt is too tight!
Dedicated to the "YOU"s that know who they are. I love you guys!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
The Things I Wonder About...
After writing the story yesterday, I was overwhelmed by the amount of love and support from all of my friends. Every word, every note, every e-mail-they all help me, they all encourage me, and if nothing else-they all help me to know that who I thought I have become IS who I am.
I had a long conversation with a very good friend of mine who told me that she could say what everybody else is saying-but she had been through this and wanted me to know the things she learned. It gave me a lot of insight into my own situation. I can't say that it necessarily made me feel better-but it just made a lot of things make sense. And I haven't been able to make heads or tails of much of this.
Basically-my story, my feelings were a run down of something she had been through previously in her life. And of course she can't tell me 100% how Anthony is feeling or the motivation for his actions-but it did help.
One of the disagreements Anthony and I had last week when he was here was regarding how he is covered on my health insurance. Out of nowhere he says "You know that thing you're doing with your insurance is illegal, right?" I was like WHAT!! I had no idea what he was talking about. See-I often forgot that I have worked in an office setting basically since I was in college. I know the common-ness of situations like this. The way I went about mine was just different. Our situation allowed me to do this. I'm NOT stupid. Now, for those of that see this all the time-you, like I, probably don't see the big deal here. So Anthony says "I saw my Dr. and asked him about it and he said it didn't sound right to him". I was a little irritated. I mean, first of all, Anthony requested that I do this for him. It was something I told him I could do if he thought it was a good idea and I had no problem doing it. To me, health insurance is one of those things that you don't think about until a $5000 hospital bill is looking you in the face or you can't afford some prescription. I was also irritated because I thought, why would a DOCTOR make an analysis like that not knowing where I work, what my company policies are, or who I am. I thought it was so silly. Then when talking to my friend she made it plain for me. He didn't talk to his DOCTOR. There is somebody in his ear, who doesn't want him to be with me for whatever reason, and that's what SOMEBODY said. Makes sense. Doesn't even make sense that a doctor would say that, but this person probably already outlined for him that I would get upset that he questioned me. What do I have to gain by providing somebody health benefits? He saw all the paperwork and he knew about it every step of the way since I completed the task at his request. So, there were some major outside influences at work here. I can't say for sure what all of them are-but I realize that not only did my actions have to make sense to him-I was being put up against a jury of people that don't care about Anthony-they care about what Anthony can do for them and concentrate on hating on the things in his life they wish they had OR finding a way to get to the place in his life where they want to be.
Makes sense that we had made plans, had a plan in motion for HIS life mostly and then somewhere between the time he now claims he was getting "close" to her, all those plans started to fall apart. We had graduated from "let me fail and then help me" to "I see what you are trying to do and how this makes sense for me" and then back to "Let me fail and then help me". Now it makes sense.
I just really wonder where he thinks their relationship is going to go. I don't think she is a bad person, I don't know much about her. But I do know that he told me that she is separated from her husband and living at home with her mother. I don't ever fault anybody for that. I too had to get MYSELF together at one time and move back home. The difference is, I left the relationship FOR GOOD. I was working on getting out on MY OWN. Moving on with MY LIFE. Now had I been married, if I wasn't trying to see what happened, I would assume that as soon as I left-paperwork would have been filed. And through everything he has put me through, it kills me to know that I'm looking at his situation from the outside in KNOWING he is about to get his heart broken again. I don't want that for him. Part of me thinks that's what he gets for being stupid...but I can't stay mad at him for long.
Then I remembered something she said on the tape. "As long as we have good communication between us about EVERYTHING, and you know...no outside influences"
Yes Courtney, because you realize that he can be influenced by OUTSIDE influences...because that's what you've been.
Don't take this as me having hard feelings towards her-I have no idea what her intentions are. But based on her actions-I know that her intention is not to be divorced. If he can't see that-that's on him. I have no right to speak on it.
So, I was watching The Bachelor last night and basically the girl he picked got screwed over in the end. But her words punched me in the face:
"Why did you put a ring on my finger? Why did you propose to me? You wanted the relationship and as soon as things were different you got scared and you don't want to fight for me. You don't want to fight to see if this will work. You just get scared and run away to somebody else."
And then when she was away from him, she said she wasn't mad-just hurt. That she wished he had wanted to fight for her. That she wished he wanted to try. She said that it must be her. Must be something about her. And as much as I wanted to be able to look at her and think, no that's not true. I'd be a hypocrite because that's how I feel.
I laid in bed for a long time thinking maybe I should not have told so many people what really happened. And I keep going back and forth thinking his own words were that he was going to stop running from the truth. But do I have the right to make him stand up to his own truth. Am I judging him? Am I being unfair?
So badly I want to know if he actually did what he said. Did he tell her he's not trying to be with anybody? Does he really want to still have me in his life, or did that just sound good? Is he really just being by himself so he can get closer to God? Because after I saw him with her-I don't believe that at all. I believe that he got me out of the way, felt bad about it-but then realized that maybe she's the one for him. And I wonder if he told her everything he told me and if she was more understanding, does that mean to him that she's better for him because she didn't get mad and not want to talk to him? Because in my head, she doesn't have a right to get mad at him for being with somebody-but to him does that mean that she's more accepting of who he is?
No matter how I think about this-I can't get it to sit right with me. I'm not better, but I feel like I can't let myself get any worse. I read past blogs from last August where I was going through the same thing-but I had hope then. I hadn't been lied to and cheated on. I feel guilty now for how much I pray because I should have never pulled away from God and I'm so sorry for that. I mean I still prayed...but I was praying for him and God was showing me the truth, I just didn't believe it or want to see it.
I don't know what's going to happen between us. I don't know what's going to happen for me. And honestly, I just don't have the energy to wonder. I'm just existing. Trying to do what I can to keep my mind clear and the tears from falling from my eyes, because I don't want to be bothered with people asking what is wrong with me.
I wonder if I would ever forgive him. I wonder if he would ever even want me back. I wonder if it would be the dumbest thing in the world to take him back. I wonder if he hurts at all. I wonder if he cares. I wonder if loving him like this will ever stop hurting me. I wonder why he didn't want to fight for me. I wonder if I can ever forgive him. I wonder if I can ever stop blaming myself.
I just want a piece of some peace.
I'm trying not to let this situation take my happiness, my joy, my peace but it has slipped right through my fingers.
Today I'm still hurt.
Today I'm still sad.
But today, I am mad. And I wonder if that means anything to him at all.
I had a long conversation with a very good friend of mine who told me that she could say what everybody else is saying-but she had been through this and wanted me to know the things she learned. It gave me a lot of insight into my own situation. I can't say that it necessarily made me feel better-but it just made a lot of things make sense. And I haven't been able to make heads or tails of much of this.
Basically-my story, my feelings were a run down of something she had been through previously in her life. And of course she can't tell me 100% how Anthony is feeling or the motivation for his actions-but it did help.
One of the disagreements Anthony and I had last week when he was here was regarding how he is covered on my health insurance. Out of nowhere he says "You know that thing you're doing with your insurance is illegal, right?" I was like WHAT!! I had no idea what he was talking about. See-I often forgot that I have worked in an office setting basically since I was in college. I know the common-ness of situations like this. The way I went about mine was just different. Our situation allowed me to do this. I'm NOT stupid. Now, for those of that see this all the time-you, like I, probably don't see the big deal here. So Anthony says "I saw my Dr. and asked him about it and he said it didn't sound right to him". I was a little irritated. I mean, first of all, Anthony requested that I do this for him. It was something I told him I could do if he thought it was a good idea and I had no problem doing it. To me, health insurance is one of those things that you don't think about until a $5000 hospital bill is looking you in the face or you can't afford some prescription. I was also irritated because I thought, why would a DOCTOR make an analysis like that not knowing where I work, what my company policies are, or who I am. I thought it was so silly. Then when talking to my friend she made it plain for me. He didn't talk to his DOCTOR. There is somebody in his ear, who doesn't want him to be with me for whatever reason, and that's what SOMEBODY said. Makes sense. Doesn't even make sense that a doctor would say that, but this person probably already outlined for him that I would get upset that he questioned me. What do I have to gain by providing somebody health benefits? He saw all the paperwork and he knew about it every step of the way since I completed the task at his request. So, there were some major outside influences at work here. I can't say for sure what all of them are-but I realize that not only did my actions have to make sense to him-I was being put up against a jury of people that don't care about Anthony-they care about what Anthony can do for them and concentrate on hating on the things in his life they wish they had OR finding a way to get to the place in his life where they want to be.
Makes sense that we had made plans, had a plan in motion for HIS life mostly and then somewhere between the time he now claims he was getting "close" to her, all those plans started to fall apart. We had graduated from "let me fail and then help me" to "I see what you are trying to do and how this makes sense for me" and then back to "Let me fail and then help me". Now it makes sense.
I just really wonder where he thinks their relationship is going to go. I don't think she is a bad person, I don't know much about her. But I do know that he told me that she is separated from her husband and living at home with her mother. I don't ever fault anybody for that. I too had to get MYSELF together at one time and move back home. The difference is, I left the relationship FOR GOOD. I was working on getting out on MY OWN. Moving on with MY LIFE. Now had I been married, if I wasn't trying to see what happened, I would assume that as soon as I left-paperwork would have been filed. And through everything he has put me through, it kills me to know that I'm looking at his situation from the outside in KNOWING he is about to get his heart broken again. I don't want that for him. Part of me thinks that's what he gets for being stupid...but I can't stay mad at him for long.
Then I remembered something she said on the tape. "As long as we have good communication between us about EVERYTHING, and you know...no outside influences"
Yes Courtney, because you realize that he can be influenced by OUTSIDE influences...because that's what you've been.
Don't take this as me having hard feelings towards her-I have no idea what her intentions are. But based on her actions-I know that her intention is not to be divorced. If he can't see that-that's on him. I have no right to speak on it.
So, I was watching The Bachelor last night and basically the girl he picked got screwed over in the end. But her words punched me in the face:
"Why did you put a ring on my finger? Why did you propose to me? You wanted the relationship and as soon as things were different you got scared and you don't want to fight for me. You don't want to fight to see if this will work. You just get scared and run away to somebody else."
And then when she was away from him, she said she wasn't mad-just hurt. That she wished he had wanted to fight for her. That she wished he wanted to try. She said that it must be her. Must be something about her. And as much as I wanted to be able to look at her and think, no that's not true. I'd be a hypocrite because that's how I feel.
I laid in bed for a long time thinking maybe I should not have told so many people what really happened. And I keep going back and forth thinking his own words were that he was going to stop running from the truth. But do I have the right to make him stand up to his own truth. Am I judging him? Am I being unfair?
So badly I want to know if he actually did what he said. Did he tell her he's not trying to be with anybody? Does he really want to still have me in his life, or did that just sound good? Is he really just being by himself so he can get closer to God? Because after I saw him with her-I don't believe that at all. I believe that he got me out of the way, felt bad about it-but then realized that maybe she's the one for him. And I wonder if he told her everything he told me and if she was more understanding, does that mean to him that she's better for him because she didn't get mad and not want to talk to him? Because in my head, she doesn't have a right to get mad at him for being with somebody-but to him does that mean that she's more accepting of who he is?
No matter how I think about this-I can't get it to sit right with me. I'm not better, but I feel like I can't let myself get any worse. I read past blogs from last August where I was going through the same thing-but I had hope then. I hadn't been lied to and cheated on. I feel guilty now for how much I pray because I should have never pulled away from God and I'm so sorry for that. I mean I still prayed...but I was praying for him and God was showing me the truth, I just didn't believe it or want to see it.
I don't know what's going to happen between us. I don't know what's going to happen for me. And honestly, I just don't have the energy to wonder. I'm just existing. Trying to do what I can to keep my mind clear and the tears from falling from my eyes, because I don't want to be bothered with people asking what is wrong with me.
I wonder if I would ever forgive him. I wonder if he would ever even want me back. I wonder if it would be the dumbest thing in the world to take him back. I wonder if he hurts at all. I wonder if he cares. I wonder if loving him like this will ever stop hurting me. I wonder why he didn't want to fight for me. I wonder if I can ever forgive him. I wonder if I can ever stop blaming myself.
I just want a piece of some peace.
I'm trying not to let this situation take my happiness, my joy, my peace but it has slipped right through my fingers.
Today I'm still hurt.
Today I'm still sad.
But today, I am mad. And I wonder if that means anything to him at all.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I Can Go On Now
I'm not sure how to place the words
so that I can paint the story
of how I feel.
My heart-ripping in silent screams
But with the pain
Comes relief-so real.
The revelation. The TRUTH. Deafening.
I can't turn away
It's right in my face
I can't even grasp what has kept me
HERE. So Obviously-WRONG
So out of place.
Over and over-mistakes I have made
And I let you be my judge
the final word, yours.
Even if I hurt you in the process
It is only God's wrath I fear
Not you. Not anymore.
I let your expectations predict my actions
I let myself fail-but
the fault? It's mine.
I stood in the shadow you cast
over me-over my life
I've got to go. Now it is time.
I've held myself back. I've let myself down.
And as hard as I thought
I fought. I let you win.
I played the bad guy. Your villain.
Your excuse. YOU COWARD.
Not anymore. NEVER again.
Unlike you-I still see God in this plan
in trying to destroy me
HE didn't let me go
He gave me another chance to be me
You don't see his mercy
You don't even know!
The things you try to place on me
that Ugliness-it's not me.
Look. LOOK. It's YOU
I just followed the poor example
The immaturity, selfishness
Not me. NOT ME. YOU!!
No more heaviness in my heart
my soul-I'm setting it free.
You have no control.
Face your own demons. Fight your OWN self.
I've got to fly away
You can't use me. NO MORE.
Blood ties us together...but love??
Not from you. That's NOT
what you have given or shown
It is what has made me feel bound
You have had my love, respect-
And I thought you had GROWN.
I will love you and forgive you
because-you AREN'T in control
I am now-NOT YOU.
I will believe you can change
Your ways. Your heart.
Everything you do.
My energy. My passion. My heart.
You have had it.
I have had ENOUGH.
Thank you for the strength. Understanding.
Of what I have endured.
Thank you SO much.
All the while I thought it was over
God still had a lesson
For ME. In YOUR ugliness
I still didn't allow him to reveal
Opportunities. I let go.
of MY happiness.
I see it now-Oh THANK YOU GOD
I know where I can go
I know what to do.
Who are YOU going to hold down now?
There is no one to punish
YOU have to deal with YOU.
May God bless you in your journey
as he deals with ALL OF YOU
All of YOUR "things"
I'll pray for your strength
Pray for Your Soul
I don't need YOU to pray for me.
I have everything, everyone I
could ever need
Not you-go your way please
Thank you for the clarity
Thank for for the strength
I can go on now-
You don't get to stand in my way.
Good-bye to hurt, pain, shame.
Hello to life renewed.
I can go on now-
I'm over it. I'm PAST YOU.
I cannot remove you from my life
But I can move my life from you
I can go on now-
Good-by to what you tried to do.
Now you have to deal with you.
I'm going on now-will you move on too?
You don't have to-
I can go on now.
Do whatever you need to do.
And if you decide to stay-
I can go on now.
Do it your way.
Yesterday was yours, maybe also today-
I can go on now.
Tomorrow is mine. MY way.
No hard feelings, no regrets-
I can go on now
And what you deserve-YOU WILL GET.
I can go on now.
Good-bye.
I can go on now.
1/27/2008
MAH
8:43 PM
so that I can paint the story
of how I feel.
My heart-ripping in silent screams
But with the pain
Comes relief-so real.
The revelation. The TRUTH. Deafening.
I can't turn away
It's right in my face
I can't even grasp what has kept me
HERE. So Obviously-WRONG
So out of place.
Over and over-mistakes I have made
And I let you be my judge
the final word, yours.
Even if I hurt you in the process
It is only God's wrath I fear
Not you. Not anymore.
I let your expectations predict my actions
I let myself fail-but
the fault? It's mine.
I stood in the shadow you cast
over me-over my life
I've got to go. Now it is time.
I've held myself back. I've let myself down.
And as hard as I thought
I fought. I let you win.
I played the bad guy. Your villain.
Your excuse. YOU COWARD.
Not anymore. NEVER again.
Unlike you-I still see God in this plan
in trying to destroy me
HE didn't let me go
He gave me another chance to be me
You don't see his mercy
You don't even know!
The things you try to place on me
that Ugliness-it's not me.
Look. LOOK. It's YOU
I just followed the poor example
The immaturity, selfishness
Not me. NOT ME. YOU!!
No more heaviness in my heart
my soul-I'm setting it free.
You have no control.
Face your own demons. Fight your OWN self.
I've got to fly away
You can't use me. NO MORE.
Blood ties us together...but love??
Not from you. That's NOT
what you have given or shown
It is what has made me feel bound
You have had my love, respect-
And I thought you had GROWN.
I will love you and forgive you
because-you AREN'T in control
I am now-NOT YOU.
I will believe you can change
Your ways. Your heart.
Everything you do.
My energy. My passion. My heart.
You have had it.
I have had ENOUGH.
Thank you for the strength. Understanding.
Of what I have endured.
Thank you SO much.
All the while I thought it was over
God still had a lesson
For ME. In YOUR ugliness
I still didn't allow him to reveal
Opportunities. I let go.
of MY happiness.
I see it now-Oh THANK YOU GOD
I know where I can go
I know what to do.
Who are YOU going to hold down now?
There is no one to punish
YOU have to deal with YOU.
May God bless you in your journey
as he deals with ALL OF YOU
All of YOUR "things"
I'll pray for your strength
Pray for Your Soul
I don't need YOU to pray for me.
I have everything, everyone I
could ever need
Not you-go your way please
Thank you for the clarity
Thank for for the strength
I can go on now-
You don't get to stand in my way.
Good-bye to hurt, pain, shame.
Hello to life renewed.
I can go on now-
I'm over it. I'm PAST YOU.
I cannot remove you from my life
But I can move my life from you
I can go on now-
Good-by to what you tried to do.
Now you have to deal with you.
I'm going on now-will you move on too?
You don't have to-
I can go on now.
Do whatever you need to do.
And if you decide to stay-
I can go on now.
Do it your way.
Yesterday was yours, maybe also today-
I can go on now.
Tomorrow is mine. MY way.
No hard feelings, no regrets-
I can go on now
And what you deserve-YOU WILL GET.
I can go on now.
Good-bye.
I can go on now.
1/27/2008
MAH
8:43 PM
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Change...
In my own words...the worst thing you can ever do to anybody is to stop believing that they can change. The worst thing you can do to yourself is to stop trying.
I believe that for the most part I have given more people than I should the benefit of this doubt. Time and again, it is the people closest to me that show they aren't capable or they don't want to try.
Times have changed. There was a day when all that criticism would have hurt me, stayed with me, made me look down on myself...Sorry. Not anymore.
You can stand in my face and assume that I have done anything your little head can come up with. But I no longer cower down and try to explain why you are wrong about me. I don't care. I am human, I make human mistakes. And like all humans-I fix my mistakes and live with the consequences.
You can look down your nose at who I am, but no longer am I trying to stand up to who I'm trying to be. I know who I am, and if you can't see it, it is because you can not see past the flaws in yourself.
You can try to put me down, but no longer do I try to prove that I'm still on my way up. I won't be your scapegoat. I won't be the person you can always count on to look down and feel better about yourself. I won't give you the satisfaction of accepting defeat, because you can not defeat me. You would have to be stronger than me to do that-and not one of you has that. NOT ONE.
You can not make me who I am by what you think.
You can not make me who I am by what you think you KNOW.
You can not make me who I am by what you think you KNOW about ME.
And as long as you continue to think that I have not changed, it is really you that I have left behind because I never held you to any standard. I only apologized for not being all I could be when really-all I was doing was allowing you to control my opinion of my OWN SELF.
Whatever you see in me, you only recognize it because it is in YOU.
For as long as you try to put me down, that is as long as you are trying to still feel good about you.
I will not stop believing that you can change.
And I will not stop changing for your benefit. If you don't get better, that is on you.
If you don't try harder, that is on you.
If you don't change, that is YOUR choice-not my doing.
So to my mother,
father,
sister...
You can't put me down any longer because I'm not there for you to control.
The faults that you try to place on me are your own and then you beg for my patience, strength, and understanding to help you in your life. I give it freely without judgement, and I give you all love unselfishly wanting NOTHING from you in return. But-I refuse to be held back by a closed mind, a judgemental attitude, and your inability to see me for who I am because of your own insecurities.
I made my own choices, I suffered my own consequences.
And I have suffered ENOUGH.
You are my blood...but you don't possess the blood that gives me renewed life, renewed spirit, renewed faith.
You are my family...but I don't have to accept what you have to offer.
You are not my friends.
The changes keep coming in me...
What will you decide to do?
So I am sorry if you feel like I am being disagreeable in your eyes. In my eyes, you are being ridiculous.
I am sorry if you feel like I haven't done all the things I should have. In my shoes, you would have known the path that I have walked has not been easy-but I didn't stop. Not even when YOU gave up on me.
I am sorry if you don't agree with my ways. In my life, your ways will get me nowhere but to where you ARE. It's not my goal to be miserable. It's not my goal to be unhappy. It is not my goal to accept where I am and stay there.
So as I ascend on my upward path, I hope you will ascend up yours and not stand in the crossways of all that life has to offer you and sink in the quicksand of judgement of others and hate that fills you. Strong words for you? The truth is always a force to be reckoned with.
And it is not that I don't see your point of view...it is that I am so far past where you are it is impossible for me to care about your journey because then I can't get ahead in mine.
I know that this might be hard for you to understand because for many years, you've been able to stop me right in my tracks.
I'm not a follower, and I don't expect to be YOUR leader. But my life is mine. I am responsible for it, and I know that you don't want the burden of knowing you held me back.
Fortunately for you, you don't get that much credit from me. I forgive all of you, but I don't forget the pain inflicted on my heart because of the incompleteness in yours. Don't worry, I'm not mad about it, it has made me stronger. So thank you for my STRENGTH, and that is all the thanks you get from me.
Change will happen...
You can either get with it or let it pass you by.
I believe you CAN change.
Will you? Don't give up on yourself, I believe you can do it.
As for me, I will not ever stop trying to change for what I believe is better for me and my family...
MY family, not you.
And if you do not understand my words...it's okay.
You don't have to understand me...just know that I understand every simple thing about you.
Change.
It is what YOU need.
Not what I require. Unlike you, I accept you for who you are.
And I learn what NOT to be.
Change.
I'm still changing.
Don't focus on my change-concentrate on yours.
Change.
The love will never change-
but...
Can you change the love?
Change...
I believe that for the most part I have given more people than I should the benefit of this doubt. Time and again, it is the people closest to me that show they aren't capable or they don't want to try.
Times have changed. There was a day when all that criticism would have hurt me, stayed with me, made me look down on myself...Sorry. Not anymore.
You can stand in my face and assume that I have done anything your little head can come up with. But I no longer cower down and try to explain why you are wrong about me. I don't care. I am human, I make human mistakes. And like all humans-I fix my mistakes and live with the consequences.
You can look down your nose at who I am, but no longer am I trying to stand up to who I'm trying to be. I know who I am, and if you can't see it, it is because you can not see past the flaws in yourself.
You can try to put me down, but no longer do I try to prove that I'm still on my way up. I won't be your scapegoat. I won't be the person you can always count on to look down and feel better about yourself. I won't give you the satisfaction of accepting defeat, because you can not defeat me. You would have to be stronger than me to do that-and not one of you has that. NOT ONE.
You can not make me who I am by what you think.
You can not make me who I am by what you think you KNOW.
You can not make me who I am by what you think you KNOW about ME.
And as long as you continue to think that I have not changed, it is really you that I have left behind because I never held you to any standard. I only apologized for not being all I could be when really-all I was doing was allowing you to control my opinion of my OWN SELF.
Whatever you see in me, you only recognize it because it is in YOU.
For as long as you try to put me down, that is as long as you are trying to still feel good about you.
I will not stop believing that you can change.
And I will not stop changing for your benefit. If you don't get better, that is on you.
If you don't try harder, that is on you.
If you don't change, that is YOUR choice-not my doing.
So to my mother,
father,
sister...
You can't put me down any longer because I'm not there for you to control.
The faults that you try to place on me are your own and then you beg for my patience, strength, and understanding to help you in your life. I give it freely without judgement, and I give you all love unselfishly wanting NOTHING from you in return. But-I refuse to be held back by a closed mind, a judgemental attitude, and your inability to see me for who I am because of your own insecurities.
I made my own choices, I suffered my own consequences.
And I have suffered ENOUGH.
You are my blood...but you don't possess the blood that gives me renewed life, renewed spirit, renewed faith.
You are my family...but I don't have to accept what you have to offer.
You are not my friends.
The changes keep coming in me...
What will you decide to do?
So I am sorry if you feel like I am being disagreeable in your eyes. In my eyes, you are being ridiculous.
I am sorry if you feel like I haven't done all the things I should have. In my shoes, you would have known the path that I have walked has not been easy-but I didn't stop. Not even when YOU gave up on me.
I am sorry if you don't agree with my ways. In my life, your ways will get me nowhere but to where you ARE. It's not my goal to be miserable. It's not my goal to be unhappy. It is not my goal to accept where I am and stay there.
So as I ascend on my upward path, I hope you will ascend up yours and not stand in the crossways of all that life has to offer you and sink in the quicksand of judgement of others and hate that fills you. Strong words for you? The truth is always a force to be reckoned with.
And it is not that I don't see your point of view...it is that I am so far past where you are it is impossible for me to care about your journey because then I can't get ahead in mine.
I know that this might be hard for you to understand because for many years, you've been able to stop me right in my tracks.
I'm not a follower, and I don't expect to be YOUR leader. But my life is mine. I am responsible for it, and I know that you don't want the burden of knowing you held me back.
Fortunately for you, you don't get that much credit from me. I forgive all of you, but I don't forget the pain inflicted on my heart because of the incompleteness in yours. Don't worry, I'm not mad about it, it has made me stronger. So thank you for my STRENGTH, and that is all the thanks you get from me.
Change will happen...
You can either get with it or let it pass you by.
I believe you CAN change.
Will you? Don't give up on yourself, I believe you can do it.
As for me, I will not ever stop trying to change for what I believe is better for me and my family...
MY family, not you.
And if you do not understand my words...it's okay.
You don't have to understand me...just know that I understand every simple thing about you.
Change.
It is what YOU need.
Not what I require. Unlike you, I accept you for who you are.
And I learn what NOT to be.
Change.
I'm still changing.
Don't focus on my change-concentrate on yours.
Change.
The love will never change-
but...
Can you change the love?
Change...
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
What I Deserve
Today started out as a great day.
I got to work early, some little surprises work wise-nothing major.
Then, the normal text message in an attempt to ruffle my feathers, but this one did ruffle my feathers. It's unimportant to put up what was actually said to me...but just to make a long story short...I have a child who is with the other parent, and they have no real relationship up to this point. I'm sure on another occasion I will write more in depth about this...but it is what it is.
Immediately, I asked for prayer. You know, now that I think about that-that's an accomplishment kind of in and of itself. I can remember a time where my temper would have flared and I would have been so angry I didn't know what to do. Then so sad I couldn't make heads or tails of anything. Then sitting at the table of my own pity party that nobody else wanted to attend.
Not today. I asked for prayer. Not for me, but for another person. Can I pray for this person, yes. But I also realize that before I send up any prayers in vain, I have to talk to God about the feelings I am having about this person and this situation. See, I'm past the point in my life where I ask God "WHY". He has been too good to me. How dare I ask "why"? Instead, I say thank you God for the living testimony...forgive me for acting this way. Help ME to forgive this person, knowing that it is not for HIM but for me. Forgive me for making any judgments on why he does what he does, and THANK YOU God for blessing me because I already know you have it all under control. HELP ME to receive the blessing that you are raining down on me, and thank you for trusting me to get through this as a true child of God.
My how things change.
I'm also thankful that I have a group of people that I can go to and ask them to pray. People that honestly believe and know in the power of prayer, and people that would correct me in love if they thought my feelings were uncalled for or unnecessary.
Now, I did receive a reply back that said:
"He doesn't deserve any prayers"
Now this was a statement made in haste...a statement made my a mother who has walked in my shoes and gone the distance. Someone I can truly look to for guidance and support. I didn't take her words literally, but it did make me think.
My response to that was everybody deserves to be prayed for, but nobody deserves to be judged. See, I won't let this man take any of my joy away for the decisions that he has made. I won't let him hinder my happiness, my security, my life not another second, not another day. I did suffer when I was with him...but it was not because of him. It was because I LET HIM. It was because instead of putting all my faith, energy, and trust in GOD, I was waiting for a man to step in and give those things to me. He did not take my joy, I let it go. He did not take my happiness, I couldn't see that MY happiness was not in HIM. He did not take my security, I let my guard down for the wrong person. But he did change my life. And I'm not bitter about that. I am ever, EVER thankful.
I can't be mad at him. He's not making choices for me. Yes, the mother in me aches for my child. But you know what? God has a plan for him to. And my job is not to protect him from anything. My job is to teach him that he can go to God for EVERYTHING and he will provide. Unlike what a lot of people teach their children, I have told and instilled in my child that I am doing the best that I can-but I might not be right. I have been honest with him and told him that I would LOVE to be everything he needs me to be, but we can only trust GOD and know that he will supply all of our needs. I spend many years wondering, just as the young lady from my church, how long people would punish me and judge me for what I had done in the past. So wouldn't I be the biggest hypocrite to do that to this man when I know what it feels like? I don't wish any ill will towards him, but all I can do is pray for him. Because the only person that will suffer the most from the consequences of the choices he has made...is him. And I won't be there to point my finger at him. I am praying that I will be there to extend a hand and tell him "You can make it". He can change. But he has to face his own self. That is not up to me. I don't know what he will need or what he needs NOW, but I'm just praying that God continue to bless him.
You see, none of us are ready or even capable of standing up to what we deserve. How many of us deserve even 1/100th of the blessings that he has given to us? If God doubted me as many times as I have doubted him, where would I be? God has brought me out of death, MORE than once. He has protected me even when I thought I was being hurt. He has trusted me, even though I spent so much time trusting him half-heartedly and only praising him when things were going right.
What I deserve, I will never get. None of us will. We will get a glimpse of what life is like if you don't trust in Him, but he is so merciful-he will never let us fail. I thank God that he hasn't given me what I deserve. We probably all should be.
Today started out as a great day.
I have learned more about myself today. I have seen where I was and where I am. I have maintained who I am, and where I faltered asked God to forgive me, and I know he did. As undeserving as I am, I know he did. And today I am better, even if just a little bit, than I was yesterday.
Today started out as a great day.
It's a day I didn't deserve.
It's a day that he gave me anyway.
Today IS a great day.
I got to work early, some little surprises work wise-nothing major.
Then, the normal text message in an attempt to ruffle my feathers, but this one did ruffle my feathers. It's unimportant to put up what was actually said to me...but just to make a long story short...I have a child who is with the other parent, and they have no real relationship up to this point. I'm sure on another occasion I will write more in depth about this...but it is what it is.
Immediately, I asked for prayer. You know, now that I think about that-that's an accomplishment kind of in and of itself. I can remember a time where my temper would have flared and I would have been so angry I didn't know what to do. Then so sad I couldn't make heads or tails of anything. Then sitting at the table of my own pity party that nobody else wanted to attend.
Not today. I asked for prayer. Not for me, but for another person. Can I pray for this person, yes. But I also realize that before I send up any prayers in vain, I have to talk to God about the feelings I am having about this person and this situation. See, I'm past the point in my life where I ask God "WHY". He has been too good to me. How dare I ask "why"? Instead, I say thank you God for the living testimony...forgive me for acting this way. Help ME to forgive this person, knowing that it is not for HIM but for me. Forgive me for making any judgments on why he does what he does, and THANK YOU God for blessing me because I already know you have it all under control. HELP ME to receive the blessing that you are raining down on me, and thank you for trusting me to get through this as a true child of God.
My how things change.
I'm also thankful that I have a group of people that I can go to and ask them to pray. People that honestly believe and know in the power of prayer, and people that would correct me in love if they thought my feelings were uncalled for or unnecessary.
Now, I did receive a reply back that said:
"He doesn't deserve any prayers"
Now this was a statement made in haste...a statement made my a mother who has walked in my shoes and gone the distance. Someone I can truly look to for guidance and support. I didn't take her words literally, but it did make me think.
My response to that was everybody deserves to be prayed for, but nobody deserves to be judged. See, I won't let this man take any of my joy away for the decisions that he has made. I won't let him hinder my happiness, my security, my life not another second, not another day. I did suffer when I was with him...but it was not because of him. It was because I LET HIM. It was because instead of putting all my faith, energy, and trust in GOD, I was waiting for a man to step in and give those things to me. He did not take my joy, I let it go. He did not take my happiness, I couldn't see that MY happiness was not in HIM. He did not take my security, I let my guard down for the wrong person. But he did change my life. And I'm not bitter about that. I am ever, EVER thankful.
I can't be mad at him. He's not making choices for me. Yes, the mother in me aches for my child. But you know what? God has a plan for him to. And my job is not to protect him from anything. My job is to teach him that he can go to God for EVERYTHING and he will provide. Unlike what a lot of people teach their children, I have told and instilled in my child that I am doing the best that I can-but I might not be right. I have been honest with him and told him that I would LOVE to be everything he needs me to be, but we can only trust GOD and know that he will supply all of our needs. I spend many years wondering, just as the young lady from my church, how long people would punish me and judge me for what I had done in the past. So wouldn't I be the biggest hypocrite to do that to this man when I know what it feels like? I don't wish any ill will towards him, but all I can do is pray for him. Because the only person that will suffer the most from the consequences of the choices he has made...is him. And I won't be there to point my finger at him. I am praying that I will be there to extend a hand and tell him "You can make it". He can change. But he has to face his own self. That is not up to me. I don't know what he will need or what he needs NOW, but I'm just praying that God continue to bless him.
You see, none of us are ready or even capable of standing up to what we deserve. How many of us deserve even 1/100th of the blessings that he has given to us? If God doubted me as many times as I have doubted him, where would I be? God has brought me out of death, MORE than once. He has protected me even when I thought I was being hurt. He has trusted me, even though I spent so much time trusting him half-heartedly and only praising him when things were going right.
What I deserve, I will never get. None of us will. We will get a glimpse of what life is like if you don't trust in Him, but he is so merciful-he will never let us fail. I thank God that he hasn't given me what I deserve. We probably all should be.
Today started out as a great day.
I have learned more about myself today. I have seen where I was and where I am. I have maintained who I am, and where I faltered asked God to forgive me, and I know he did. As undeserving as I am, I know he did. And today I am better, even if just a little bit, than I was yesterday.
Today started out as a great day.
It's a day I didn't deserve.
It's a day that he gave me anyway.
Today IS a great day.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Forgiveness
I often say that the worst thing you can do to somebody else is to stop believing that they can change.
Well, as I live and learn-I think I also need to keep reminding myself that one of the worst things we can do to ourselves is not opening up and allowing yourself to truly forgive somebody. And really for me, to forgive myself first.
The inevitable stupidity hit me this morning. Stupid. That's how I always feel after I've had some major outlet of my true feelings. I feel like I shouldn't have said anything. I wonder what the person thinks of me now that I've said it. I wonder what it would be like to just deal with things like a normal person would. Is there such a thing?
I can only speak for me, but I know the defense mechanisms I use to protect myself really only hurt me in the end. Nasty words, being excessively mean when it's not necessary, being cold when nobody deserves it. It's all overrated. It's all a temporary fix to your pain. It's all bullshit, basically.
I have told myself for a long time that I can not function in a relationship. I have told myself that I have so much in my past that I can't trust or believe in basic goodness. I have told myself that the happiness that most people strive for and attain can not be mine. I have set myself up for failure.
So today, I am going to forgive myself. I am going to stop standing behind who I think I should be and I'm going to walk in front and be the person that is scared to step out. How silly is it to be scared of failure when I know I survived odds that most people don't beat. That's not failure. I know how to love, but I don't expect to be loved. And when I am-I doubt it. I forgive myself for not believing that I deserve that.
I have done to EVERYBODY what I claim is the worst thing you can do. I have not given anybody the benefit of the doubt in thinking they could understand me. I have held everybody to the standard of some of the worst people I have ever known because those are the people that I never want to be in my life again. So to protect myself, I've only given everybody else as much credit as I would to those people...NONE.
I forgive the people that ever formed an opinion about me without knowing anything about me. The fact of the matter is, I never gave them the opportunity or trusted that they had the capacity to even "get" me. I forgive them, and in that same breath-I hope they can forgive me for assuming they weren't capable.
I may have lost the things most important to me to realize that instead of fighting against them, I could have fought for them. Honestly, I don't know what to do now. I can't explain the feelings I'm having right now-but I have got to move forward. I've been a person outside of myself for too long and I have to stop that. I've let the person that I want people to see walk in front and move forward, and I've let the person that I'm trying to hide pull back. I'm standing in the middle allowing the tug of war and while they move forward and back-I'm just here. Going nowhere. I can walk forward-so the person I am is who people will see. The person I'm trying to hide...she has got to go.
It's doesn't make any sense for me to get upset about how people judge me. It makes sense to file it, keep my head up, and show them who I am.
As much as I've ever been through, nobody has ever victimized me worse than I've done to myself.
I forgive them.
Most importantly, I forgive me.
Well, as I live and learn-I think I also need to keep reminding myself that one of the worst things we can do to ourselves is not opening up and allowing yourself to truly forgive somebody. And really for me, to forgive myself first.
The inevitable stupidity hit me this morning. Stupid. That's how I always feel after I've had some major outlet of my true feelings. I feel like I shouldn't have said anything. I wonder what the person thinks of me now that I've said it. I wonder what it would be like to just deal with things like a normal person would. Is there such a thing?
I can only speak for me, but I know the defense mechanisms I use to protect myself really only hurt me in the end. Nasty words, being excessively mean when it's not necessary, being cold when nobody deserves it. It's all overrated. It's all a temporary fix to your pain. It's all bullshit, basically.
I have told myself for a long time that I can not function in a relationship. I have told myself that I have so much in my past that I can't trust or believe in basic goodness. I have told myself that the happiness that most people strive for and attain can not be mine. I have set myself up for failure.
So today, I am going to forgive myself. I am going to stop standing behind who I think I should be and I'm going to walk in front and be the person that is scared to step out. How silly is it to be scared of failure when I know I survived odds that most people don't beat. That's not failure. I know how to love, but I don't expect to be loved. And when I am-I doubt it. I forgive myself for not believing that I deserve that.
I have done to EVERYBODY what I claim is the worst thing you can do. I have not given anybody the benefit of the doubt in thinking they could understand me. I have held everybody to the standard of some of the worst people I have ever known because those are the people that I never want to be in my life again. So to protect myself, I've only given everybody else as much credit as I would to those people...NONE.
I forgive the people that ever formed an opinion about me without knowing anything about me. The fact of the matter is, I never gave them the opportunity or trusted that they had the capacity to even "get" me. I forgive them, and in that same breath-I hope they can forgive me for assuming they weren't capable.
I may have lost the things most important to me to realize that instead of fighting against them, I could have fought for them. Honestly, I don't know what to do now. I can't explain the feelings I'm having right now-but I have got to move forward. I've been a person outside of myself for too long and I have to stop that. I've let the person that I want people to see walk in front and move forward, and I've let the person that I'm trying to hide pull back. I'm standing in the middle allowing the tug of war and while they move forward and back-I'm just here. Going nowhere. I can walk forward-so the person I am is who people will see. The person I'm trying to hide...she has got to go.
It's doesn't make any sense for me to get upset about how people judge me. It makes sense to file it, keep my head up, and show them who I am.
As much as I've ever been through, nobody has ever victimized me worse than I've done to myself.
I forgive them.
Most importantly, I forgive me.
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