What difference does it make?

I think it's safe to say that most of us have posed this mostly rhetorical question a time or five. Let me get right to the toe-stepping: if you've made this statement-YOU are an asshole.

I'm not judging you, I'm not labeling you-all I'm saying is that the moment you made that statement to whomever you made it to, in that same moment you reached asshole status. You can quit reading now, or we can discuss.

Usually, if you have to pose this question-it's too late to make the difference, but you're asking someone to accept something outside of what is acceptable and "what difference does it make" actually means "Just deal with it!" Guess you're wondering what type of scenarios I'm speaking of? Or maybe you're trying to decide if there's a scenario that I'm NOT speaking of.

I hear parents saying this a lot of times about things pertaining to their children. "What difference does it make if I buy X label or Y label for your school supplies?" Well in this instance, probably not much as far as performance goes but you're teaching your children to question authority, to ask questions when given instruction, and to assume they know what's best when a suggestion has been given. See what I'm saying?

I heard somebody say "What difference does it make if I pay him back today or in a month?". Well obviously he isn't getting his money today, but the difference is that that person didn't have to let you borrow any money at all. The difference is whatever you needed that money for, you got it and you took it for selfish reasons and now you want to be upset that they expect you to honor YOUR word when they did what YOU asked? The difference is the next time you need some money, I hope you have more friends because you're going to be without whatever it is that you got.

Many a time I've heard a woman griping about that man that she's been with forever and he wants to know "What's the difference if we're married or not?" How about being able to show someone before God that you are committed? I understand that a piece of paper shouldn't change a relationship but sometimes it does. I've been the friend for more than one of my friends to whom I've had to share that the person they ARE is certainly not the person they were before marriage. And if you get stuck in this situation, you didn't do enough research on that person to make sure you know who he/she is through and through. A piece of paper doesn't solidify your commitment, but it sure makes you responsible for what happens if you don't RESPECT it. Chances are if you have a man or woman asking what's the difference, the difference is they don't want to be married because they aren't acting like a person who WANTS to be married SHOULD. Chances are that your biggest problem probably isn't commitment, it's probably fidelity and trust.

How about the man/woman carrying on a relationship with someone while BEING married. "What's the difference if I'm married or not, I'm here with you". The difference is the man/woman you're with doesn't get any benefit that you bring to the married table. The difference is that everything that other man/woman does for you is in fact beneficiary to YOUR spouse. The difference is that your spouse is entitled to everything you have and the only thing your OTHER is entitled to is hurt feelings and a letter from you stating how many community service hours they gave you because what they did for you, no matter how much or how little, was for FREE. If anything they did for you was to benefit you, they also did it to benefit you and YOUR family that they are not a part of. The difference is that if you want to be married, you should be married and they should be looking at you and realizing you aren't spouse material ANYWAY. The difference is that the person you are with is part of YOUR wrongdoing and is that someone suitable to be with anyway? Is that someone whose judgment you should trust? Is it someone you're going to always run over because they allowed you to deem them as #2 to your #1? And if you are the guilty party-have you somehow convinced yourself that this is different? I'd go ahead and substitute "different" for "stupid". True enough, you can't help who you love. But you can help HOW you love WHO you love.

How about when we ask ourselves "WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?". If you are asking yourself that question, you are second guessing yourself...and if YOU can't stand up to YOU, chances are you get asked this question often and it is rhetorical because the other person knows the answer. NONE. When you have to ask yourself this, you are now asking yourself to settle for a circumstance you had previously deemed unsatisfactory. If you have to ask yourself this, you've moved off the asshole platform straight into Stupid county, located in Settling City. All locations you will find blogs about right here to the right -------->.

Is the question "what difference does it make?" or is the question "what difference do YOU make?"

If the answer is NONE, then you are in the wrong place, at the wrong moment...

at the RIGHT TIME.

What difference do I make? A big difference. So much so that after most have existed in my world, they don't want to exist anywhere else.

What difference do they make?

Some.
None.
All.


I'm still learning. The biggest difference is me.

I'm not who I used to be.
I don't know what I'm going to be.
But I know how to just be.

What's the difference?

The Consequence of Being Whole

Understand, I'm not trying to be boastful or anything less than humble when speaking of myself. I'm going to have to say, in my opinion, as far as women go-I'm an A+ catch. Of course that's my opinion. In a conversation with my mother, we were discussing my complete lack of being able to make a man feel needed and as I listened to her tell me I shouldn't be like that-I just couldn't compute that in my brain. My mother, married for 39 years, telling ME that it's not a good way to be. Explaining how her similar behavior has caused some distance and separation in their relationship. I couldn't accept this as sage advice. I count it as foolishness.

It's a consequence of being whole.

Admittedly, and I'm sure you probably figured that the reason for my entry is not because everything is peachy-it's because, as usual, I need an outlet so that my head doesn't explode. I'm back to where I started, ended, seem to remain-by myself. But all in all-I just don't think it's a bad place to be. I think my LETTER to "Ex-Boyfriends" will probably remain relevant my whole life. However, today I have to ask myself, if the same thing happens over and over-is it them...or is it...ME. ME??

Is there some merit to this "needing" thing my mother speaks of and I have admitted that I am not good at. But how can I not stand by my sentiment that it is better to be WANTED and not NEEDED? I was asked "What do you have to offer a man" at the beginning of this. And I told him, I have NOTHING to offer a man that needs to be needed...BUT as much as I can love me, that's how much I can love somebody else. As much as I can do for me, that's what I can do for somebody else. And in the ending of it all yesterday, my similar sentiment was I DO LOVE YOU, but I will NEVER love you more than I LOVE ME...if I don't stand up for ME, then who will? I had to also share that I WILL be ok. Am I mad? No...I'm PISSED. Am I sad? No...completely DEVASTATED. Do I have time to be lied to, straight IN MY FACE when I read the facts for myself and have names-dates-times-instances-activities-occurrences-pictures and things HE initiated and participated in permanently engraved in this God-forsaken memory? Not today. Not tomorrow. Not EVER.

It's a consequence of being whole.

I take care of people, that's what I do. And it's what I say over and over. And sometimes, yes, I get tired. Sometimes, I get frustrated-not because I need anyone to take care of me, but sometimes I need some room to breathe so that I can take care of me. I give, I give, and I give what I have and what I can because that is who I am. I thank God for having the right words to say when someone needs to hear them. I thank God for having a spirit about me that people feel comforted when I can be there for them. But I could not take care of any of the people I love physically, emotionally, or spiritually without being a WHOLE person. I do not expect anything in return, because I do not need anything in return. I am abundantly blessed in who I am. I am blessed by the friendships I have. Just because someone doesn't give in the way I do, doesn't mean they aren't giving. Only a whole person understands this.

It is a consequence of being whole.

Maybe because the way my mind works, the mathematical sense of being whole makes more sense to me. I am whole and that works for me. I am a whole number. If I add myself to another that is not whole-the addition of a fraction of a whole number and a whole number is a mixed number. See even in mathematics, it just doesn't sound right. If I add a whole number to a whole number-I get a whole number. If I have to add two fractions of a whole to get ONE whole this still isn't whole because it's a sum of parts. I can't be a whole ONLY with the addition of something else. This might not make sense to you but it makes perfect sense to me. I'm whole...and trying to add myself to anything less than that is just a mixed number...a MESS. It doesn't work.

It is my consequence for being whole.

And as hurt as my feelings are-this situation or any other one I've had to go through doesn't take a part of me. It doesn't take away from my wholeness, it adds TO IT. And the more whole I become, I realize the WHOLE I have to mix with has to be greater too...or maybe, I'm just not for mixing at all. I don't think my happiness is contingent on sharing my life with anybody other than the people I already have in it. I have loved, I believe I have been loved, and I do believe LOVE NEVER FAILS!! So apparent in my reaction to this situation-it was as if nothing much had really happened. But why fall all over myself and the situation? It was lovely while I was in love. And although I can't just fall out of love-that love is something he will never forget I am sure. That love will either teach him how to love or how he wants to be loved. It will show him he deserves love and how he should be loved. I didn't fail, love didn't fail, but it's just not enough. I can't say never, but I can for sure say not right now. I'm not sorry. Unlike the me I was some time ago, I believe that the opportunity to love someone is a blessing. Whether they receive it, appreciate it and/or reciprocate it is irrelevant. Love never fails, it never ends...the fact that you loved will always remain and I won't hold back, I won't give up, I won't be sad-it was wonderful. And I have it to give to someone else who wants it, and if not-I have it for me. The way you can love someone is directly proportionate to how much you love YOU. I'm not sorry. I will not look back. I will not be sad. I will move on as flawlessly today as I do everyday.

It's a consequence of being whole.

There are no questions to be asked. There are no what if's to ponder. There is no waiting period for forgiveness-I forgive him and realize I knew who he was all along and I hope I helped him see who I saw, who I KNOW-but I also realize the person he chooses to be may not be who he wants to be, but I can't change his mind about HIM. I know he can be better than I even know-but I don't see it NOW. Change will come, and I hope when it does he receives all the happiness, peace, and love he so deserves. I didn't foresee this ending, to be completely honest I didn't foresee an ending at all...but, I welcome God's unchanging hand in my life and trust that he knows whats best for me. I don't have any doubts-he will take care of me. Whoever will be will be. Whoever will not be just won't. I'm going to be here-thankful for the trial and claiming it as a testimony. I know how to love me...and in such, I don't need anybody else to do so-there is no greater love than the LOVE I know.

It's a consequence of being whole.

Dear Ex-Boyfriend(s)...

Dear Ex-Boyfriend(s),

I know you're probably surprised to hear from me. You might have been expecting a giant outburst, hate mail, or something similar-but I'd really like to take this opportunity to Thank You.

Yes, THANK YOU.

As I've taken time to really think back over the time we spent, I really felt compelled to take a moment to let you know that you helped me more than you know. Of course you made me stronger, but let me also add to that wiser. And, after your exit, I realized I am not as crazy as you would have liked me to believe. I am, and have always been, the woman you needed but did not deserve.

First-I'd like to thank you for affirming that my gut instincts and my sixth sense are as keen as I believed. Nevermind the fact that you always stood right in my face and lied-I'll get to that later. Whatever made me check your phone, or your e-mail, or your pockets-that was not because I am jealous, or crazy, or insecure-it's because YOU are not as slick as you think. I can't explain to you the feeling that I got or where it came from. I can just tell you that all things that happen in the darkness will come to the light. I can tell you that God has a way of making you see something you are just not ready to see no matter how painful it is. So Thank you for showing me that my gut instincts are right on target, and the only enemy of my sixth sense is you.

Thank you also for showing me that I am very capable of forgiveness. After all, I forgave you over and over again when in hindsight I don't think you deserved it even once. But let's not rehash old pain. I forgave you and we moved on. Now whether or not I kept bringing up your actions, I still forgave you. I showed myself that I do have the power to forgive. And if I had the strength and patience to forgive you, surely I could do wonders for somebody that actually deserves and will capitolize on a second chance.

I'd like to thank you for all of your false accusations. I might not have ever had the chance to know what it feels like when you accuse somebody for something that they honestly did not do. I might not have known how old it gets to be interrogated for things that happened in your imagination and not in real life. I might not have been able to relate to how old it gets when someone's insecurity shines brighter than any other thing they have to offer. I'm thanking you for this because now I know to just ask a simple question if I have doubts. And if I doubt the answer-I can simply walk away. So this goes hand in hand with the gut instincts you have shown me that I should always trust. Thank you for showing me how ugly insecurity can be and showing me how obvious a guilty conscience is.

Thank you for cheating on me. There is no way I would have ever known that you didn't deserve me had you not just blatantly disrespected me. I know that over and over again I asked what these girls had that I didn't, what you wanted from them that you couldn't get from me, and why you had to go to someone else when you had me. Now I know that this is an impossible question, because no answer you ever would have given could satisfy my heart. There is nothing that these girls had that I didn't-they just had your time and attention for the moment you were with them. They just made you feel like you were "the man" in a moment when you needed more attention because YOU felt like you weren't enough for me. Although your actions were kind of backwards, I thank you-because you were NOT, after all, enough for me. I realize that you wanted to be NEEDED. You just didn't understand my sentiment that NEEDING somebody is a very unhealthy emotion-but WANTING somebody is more powerful. You thought those girls needed you, and then when they didn't WANT you because you only showed them how untrustworthy and how unfaithful you-maybe THEN you realized my point.

Thank you for lying to me. We've already discussed the gut instincts and the sixth sense. And I'm sure the lying came in somewhere with the cheating or the false accusations. You showed me how ugly it is when a lie falls out of someone's mouth. You showed me that lying to someone is basically like standing in somebody's face and saying "I don't love you. I don't respect you. I think you are stupid". And I may have been-but I thank you for giving me the opportunity to realize that stupid is as stupid does, and I would NOT participate with you.

Thank you for hurting me. Had you never hurt me, I might not know how to heal. But because of your deception, or lies, or adulterous ways, or childish ways-whatever it may have been-that hurt allowed me to grow and be bigger than even I knew I could be. I might have been down for a period of time, but being down showed me that I had to get up. And when I got up, I got up WITH the hurt that you gave to me but then I got over it and let that hurt elevate me to a new level. I wouldn't be here looking down on you now had I not been able to get up over it.

Thank you for allowing me to love you. I know somewhere in your mind you may believe that this sentiment still exists. Love can be everlasting, but in our case-it will not last forever. I thank you for this opportunity because whatever I gave you unselfishly, however I loved you-that will always be what I gave to you from the most pure place in my heart. I showed myself that I can love without circumstance and I can keep loving with no barriers. You see, the importance in this is that I didn't lose any love in you. Loving somebody is the greatest thing we can do-and just because you didn't appreciate it doesn't mean that my love didn't mean anything, it didn't lose any power. So, I am elated at the idea that if I could have loved you, imagine the limits that I could surpass in loving somebody who WANTS me to love them the way that I WANT them to love me!!

You have given me so many things-I thought you deserved a Thank you note. Lastly, thank you for the timely exit in my life. It was probably a combination of all these things that led me to leave you or to accept the fact that you left me. Everything that I gave you-I'm proud of that and so very excited to give these things to someone who deserves them and watch them breed and grow.

I always say that the worst thing you can ever do is stop believing that someone can change. So while I thank you for these things that you gave me, I don't hold you accountable for them forever. You can move on too...just not with me. I hope that my unwillingness to talk to you or friend you does not offend you. It's just that if you weren't good for me then, I'm not quite sure how you can be good for me now. And you should want better for yourself than a friend who doubts who you are and what you have to offer. I take responsibility for all the things that I may have done that added to our relationship going sour. I have forgiven myself, and I forgive you.

So-I hope that this Thank You finds you well. I hope that you understand that there is no underlying evil or maliciousness in this letter to you. You helped me find a part of me that I might not have been able to find, but I assure you that if you could not handle me then-don't even try to deal with me now. You can go on. I hope that you find a woman that is everything you WANT and I wish you all the best. I can't look back because I'm moving onward and upward so fast I might miss something that awaits me that is AHEAD of me, that is FOR me. I hope you are thankful for the time you had the opportunity to be in my life. I am thankful for the lessons I learned, but I see no need to repeat past lessons when I have graduated to a new level.

So, thank you.

Good-bye...Forever.

He's Just Not That into Me

So-I have done the girl thing.

I have wondered what could happen.

I have wondered where things are going.

I have played out different scenarios in my head.

I have daydreamed, dreamed, hoped-all that silly girl stuff. Things I don't normally do-I guess because I was a little smitten. I was hopeful because I had met somebody new that didn't offer the same old and tired bull. I was kind of taken.

I prayed for a sign, for an answer, for some kind of insight to what the future would or could be...

So we met here and there, we've talked, we've shared ideas of what could have happened or what could be...

I feel like I've done my part, shown what my intentions are and could be...

I've made offers, extended welcomes, given opportunities...

I've tried to keep him involved, keep him informed, keep him at the top of my "attention to" list...

And what have I gotten?

Not much. Words with no actions. Actions with no words. But never given any promises-so I can't say that any were broken.

Did I do too much? Did I not do enough? Am I too damaged to give it a good effort?

So as I take back over myself, as I look back on what happened...again I'm thankful for the presentation of people in my life to show me what I could have, what I do deserve, what it could be...

But in this instance-as much as I hate to admit-I have to just say:

He's Just not that into me.

If he was-I would have known it by now.

We live and we learn-and even if we don't...

Life goes on.

You Haven't Changed My Life...You Just Wish You Had

Sometimes, the most horrible thing you will ever see is when you truly open your eyes and examine yourself. Realizing that 100% of what you go through is based on 100% of the choices you make is most of the time a reality you don't want to accept.

"In life you must only do two things. You must make choices and you must die. But for every choice you make there is a consequence" Author Unknown

This quote was in my english classroom when I was in 8th grade. It made no sense to me then, but that is the black and white. Fortunately, we get an opportunity to make these choices over and over and over again. Making the same WRONG choice is just what we...hell maybe I...do too often.

I have A LOT of things going on right now. Being pulled every which way, stress weighing down HEAVY-but I've just been looking at in the face trying not to panic and just knowing that God is working it all out. So, being able to hand over the REAL burdens in my life is a great testament to how far I've come. But it has also had me focused on the things I don't ever really bother going to God with.

Relationships.
Sigh.
Listen-I don't pray to God for a man, I don't pray to God for companionship...I don't pray for things like that. Nothing against people who do...but I got real life shyt that I need God to handle for me. This is not a pressing matter in my mind. Everytime I hear somebody telling somebody else to "ask" God for exactly what you want-I think that is completely stupid. However, I realize that I am still working on ME...so I need God to fix ME. I'm not worried about anybody else's fixing. I try to just keep an open mind and not block my own blessings when it comes to these type things. Obviously-I don't have great taste in men. Obviously.

Over and over and over again, I deal with men that are not up what my standard SHOULD be. I'm not ever surprised when they disappoint-I can't even really call it disappointment because it's almost expected. So I have to ask myself, and I haven't been asking myself often enough, WHY EVEN DEAL WITH THESE LAMES??! I don't know...I have a weakness for a great smile, and having the upper hand. The latter, I don't claim lightly-it's just something I've come to realize. It's just the truth. For a long, long time, I said that it is not important to me that a man be on the same level financially, educationally, spiritually etc. As long as he knew who he was and had a goal-I was ok with that. I didn't want to be the type of person that passed up a good man just because he didn't have the greatest job or wasn't in the greatest situation. I guess I always give people the benefit of the doubt to a certain point-but honestly-that needs to stop. I don't talk about how many degrees I have, I don't talk about what's in my bank account, I don't push my religious ideas and morals on somebody else. I used to just listen and decide whether they were passionate about life, in general a good person, and let that just ride. I would always wonder why and how somewhere down the line I started hearing things like "I'm not on your level", "I'm not settled like you", "I don't have it like you" because I would never bring these things up. Well, how in the blue hell did I expect any MAN not taking care of his MANLY business to fare well next to an educated, settled, strong WOMAN?

I am too smart to be this stupid, I swear.

Where is this coming from?

Well, awhile back I met a guy at my favorite hangout. Handsome? OF course...this is what leads me to hand out all the passes in the first place. I think I really am like a dude most of the time. I don't really care what a dude is talking about as long as he's going to give me what I want. I'll smile, nod, and even pretend to be interested...just get me to my happy place and it's all good.

Honesty is ugly sometimes, right?

So, we chit chat and he proceeds to tell me he is married.

This is the part where I should have departed. Nope.
BAD CHOICE #1,999, 999, 999, 834, 829, 123

He said "it's complicated". I told him right THEN that I didn't want to hear about his personal business. Here's the thing-you can tell when a married man is open to other options. IF I EVER got married, there are some things I would never deny my husband and certain ways I would never treat him-because while those women are at home thinking they taught their husband a lesson-there's a woman SOMEWHERE who intends to let their husband's know they don't have to put up with that and are willing to offer the same things. I know, because more than once I've been one of them.

Honesty-you can frown, but it is what it is.

Nothing ever really happened between me and this dude. Mostly, because him and his wife did indeed have a "situation", but he is visible hurt and still in love with his wife. So, most of our conversations were about what she did and how fed up he was. This dude is not a cheater, even though he thinks he is. He's a miserably unhappy person, and I just can not get with that.

So...I believe we had our last conversation on Saturday night. I will just transcribe word for word here.

Him: Hey you
Me: What?
Him: U busy
Me: Watching TV with my guy
Him: Oh ok...so what did ya'll do today
Me: Golfed, swam, rafted...I am exhausted.
Him: LOL that's cool
Him: I'm goin back home soon
Me: To LA?
Him: Yep
Me: Just you?
Him: Yep goin to go file for divorce at the courthouse
Me: Oh. To stay?
Him: Idk yet
Him: If I can get a car and a job I'll stay out here. Its cheap here too expensive back home I can't afford to stay at home
Me: Wow
Him: Her mom is here to visit and we was talkin outside and she told me that I'm a good father and didn't realize I did so much around the house
Him: She can't believe how lazy her daughter is she didn't raise her that way
Me: She acts that way because she can.
Him: Yep and her mom is kinda pissed off but she doesn't want to get involved
Me: Um...she shouldn't. Her daughter is grown.
Him: That's what she said
Him: If I don't do anything around the house it don't get done
Me: So then you do it eventually right? What do you think she's going to do when you are gone?
Him: Her momma has cleaned up more than she has since we moved here and her momma has only been here a week
Him: She has no choice but to do it
Him: She talks to her mom any kinda way
Me: Ok...well then that "I didn't raise her like that" line is bullshit. She tried to show her but didn't MAKE her do anything. I would die is my mom cleaned in MY house.
Me: You think that just started? I doubt it.
Him: Me too
Him: That's why her and my mom don't get along my mom was taking lip from her
Me: Your mom? She talked to YOUR mom crazy??
Him: She tried one day and that day I was about to knock her out
Him: I wish I can file here
Him: Would you miss me if I didn't come back
Me: Um...my life is not going to change if you are here or not. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just saying. It shouldn't matter anyway. You're not happy so you should do what you have to do rectify that.
Him: OK Well would like to c me stay if I was happy
Me: Again. Not life changing. Wouldn't you just like to be happy PERIOD?
Him: U tell it like it is huh?
Me: There isn't any other way. Aren't you tired of bullshit yet?
Him: Yep
Him: How did you get over J.J.
Me: Loaded question...but I wasn't about to stay with someone who didn't care about my well being...I got fed up. I forgave him, accepted responsibility for enabling him to act the way he did, took responsibility for where I was wrong, and moved on with my life. Being miserable is a choice.
Him: Ur rite so I guess you can say I'm the one to blame for allowing this shit to go on
Me: You will drive yourself crazy placing and taking blame. You both have probably been wrong a lot...you wouldn't be where you are now if that weren't true
Him: True
Him: Thank you for the talk


Yes...this crap really happens to me.

Honestly, I don't care who is at fault. Him or his wife-they are miserable people that like to be miserable.

No more married men. I have, unfortunately, said it before-but I'm not quite sure why-being who I am...I'm willing to accept a #2 spot.
Ridiculous.

So...while GOD deals with my real life problems, I think I can handle this on my own. A man is going to have to be in my tax bracket, on my spiritual enrichment plan, and able to comprehend what I do for a living. Why my standards aren't higher...I'm going to stop dwelling on it.

Onward and upward.

If I make it through this week...

Wait...let me thank the Lord NOW for the will, strength, and patience for making it through this week.

**SLAP**

I received this in an e-mail today...I can not add or discuss. Still wiping the egg off of my face.

Posted here to slap you in yours!

THE RIGHT ONE
First we must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking. And
second, the decision for a mate must be made on a spiritual and intellectual
basis before it's made on an emotional one."What about love? Shouldn't that be
the third? you ask. No, and I'll tell you why. "The heart is deceitful above all
things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9).The heart is
willful and is driven by its own agenda. It does not consider things rationally
and intelligently it just loves to love! Therefore you have to point it in the
right direction: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well spring of
life" (Proverbs 4:23)!Whenever you meet a man, you need to get clearance from
God, check out his attributes, and then allow your heart to engage.Dating exists
not for mating; it exists for collecting data. I believe that the biblical
design would be friendship, courtship and then marriage.Friendship is two people
walking together in agreement and accountability, learning and growing
together.Courtship follows the mutual agreement to commit to one another
exclusively - it is the decisive turning toward the agreed-upon goal of the
marriage altar. It is a period of laying a foundation and preparing your life
together after marriage.But dating? Well, if you do date, use the time wisely to
gather these facts.1. Check out the fabric. Is the person mate material? Does
this man have an intimate relationship with the Father through Jesus Christ?
Does he care what God thinks about his behavior? Is he accountable to God as
well as another co-laborer in the faith? Accountability is an important factor.
It is imperative to maintaining a committed relationship. Is your potential
spouse a member of the same family - the family of God?You need to have common
interests and values and agree on the essentials of living day to day. You have
a similar spiritual walk. You eat the same spiritual diet. You enjoy a lot of
similar things. You have like interests, like goals in life, like opinions on
basic life issues.You have had like experiences in your background. Though there
is some truth to the idiom that opposites attract, like-minded folks fare better
together.Furthermore, does he want to get married? If you want to be married and
your dreamboat isn't interested, don't waste your time.Remember, women fall in
love and get married. Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note
the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious,
take his words seriously. If he's not going in your direction, get off the bus
and wait for the right one.2. Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The
man who is right for you will pursue you, and God's hand in the relationship
will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends.Scripture says: "He who
finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" (Proverbs
18:22).Note -who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time,
God has transported men and women across the world in order to put them
together.
At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that man on the scene and
he will find you. In God's perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his
mate. Adam has no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib. You do not
need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don't have to help a guy out
because he's shy!Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly
want. The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in
his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he
is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not
interested.Many a woman's mother has suggested that it is a good idea to marry a
man who loves you more than you love him. As cold as that sounds, it actually
might be scriptural if you stop to think about it: "We love him because he first
loved us" (1 John 4:19). Until then, take the ultimate chill pill. You don't
need a bunch of men in your life to make you feel all right about yourself.You
need only one man - your man, the one God has selected to select you. And trust
me, the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any
time. So trust God's timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit
pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again - WAIT until the man voices his
intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may
have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of
the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you - this is your first act
of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us
first. And they should lead the relationship .3. The man in your life should not
desire to move into your house, only into your heart . A man who prepares for
your future has made his intentions clear. A man who is husband material has the
means to take care of a wife. He is a responsible human being who understands he
needs to have something to offer. In short, a man should have the means to be a
suitable lover for you.4. Check out his buddies. Everyone knows birds of the
same feather flock together, yet most women fail to see the connection between a
man and his friends. A man's pals tell you a lot about the person that you
haven't seen yet. They reveal things about the guy's character that might be
hidden when he is on good behavior. Everyone knows how to put his best foot
forward. Don't stay focused on the foot, check out the rest of the body!5. Check
out his relationship with his mother. How does he treat her? This is your
preview of how he will treat you. There are lots of men who, because of a
negative relationship with their mothers, really don't like women, yet say they
do. Unresolved issues between mother and son continue between husband and
wife.6. Remember that a man's family reveals the cloth from which he's cut. Take
note and decide whether you want your future with the man in your life to look
like his present family situation.7. Check out the patterns of his life. Do you
see repeated cycles of drama in his personal kingdom? Broken relationships?
Problems in making commitments --including the job market? Mood swings? Is a
problem always someone else's fault? Does he embrace responsibility or shirk it?
Does he keep his promises? Is he a man of good reputation? Remember all garments
look wonderful hanging in the store, but with wear, some begin to unravel. Give
yourself time and space to check out the man in your life. Time will always
reveal whether or not he is made of the right stuff.8. Does this man have a
vision for his life? Is he running with that vision? Remember, God decided Adam
needed help once Adam got busy DOING his assignment. As we saw Adam, a man
doesn't need help until he is busy doing what he was created and called to do.
Is the man in your life guided by sense of destiny and purpose, or does he just
allow life to happen around him? A man who is not certain of his mission can be
a most miserable person - and you'll be miserable too if you know where YOU want
to go in life.A man who has vision is not intimidated by a woman whose mission
statement is clear. He will be your best ally, cheerleader and assistant because
he wants you both to make it! A man who cannot be supportive of your
achievements because he is floundering in a sea of uncertainty over his own life
is not a healthy partner to have and to hold forever.Creating dependencies or
feelings of obligation is not the way to get the best out of your man. Somewhere
along the way, he will resent you and flee from the smothering burden of
obligation he associates you with. You want a man who is firmly anchored in his
identity in Christ. Remember, we are looking for a man who will be priest and
leader of his home. His first instinct should be to want to cover you, redeem
you, and provide for you. Your job is to decide if this is the man God has
ordained for you to complement.9. Complimentary. Do your talents and gifts
complement his? Do his gifts, compliment yours? What about your temperaments? Do
you see the two of you as an effective team capable of bringing blessing to the
lives of those around you? Do your futures mesh? Can you coordinate your gifts
in an attractive and effective way?This is why knowing your purpose is so
important. Make sure your hearts beat for mutual causes. When I go shopping I
always consider the fabric, the fit and what I already have in my closet. Will
my next purchase be a complimentary addition to what I already have? If I find
that I am going to have to buy shoes and matching accessories to go with a new
outfit, I leave it right on the rack. It is too expensive a proposition. If the
man you meet makes you feel that you need to completely reinvent yourself,
something is wrong.This is where I ask you to consider the relationship in terms
of cost. Is this relationship expensive spiritually, emotional or physically?
Does your longing for a mate make you willing to forfeit who you are in the
process? Or does he see you as the gift that you are? The man in your life
should consider you a rare find, a priceless jewel-because of you he is getting
ready to get blessed big-time! Any relationship that causes you to feel
unworthy, unlovely, unacceptable, undesirable or that you have to work for love,
is too expensive!God has called the man to cover, protect and provide not only
materially for a woman, but emotionally and spiritually as well. You should be
richer in mind, body and spirit for your union with the man of your dreams. The
man in your life should make rich deposits into your heart and spirit, not
withdrawals .10. Does he have a healthy love and acceptance of himself? Make
sure the man in your life has taken time to heal from past relationships and has
made peace with himself. How he cares for himself is how he will care for you. A
man's relationship with God is crucial here. His love for himself will only be
as strong as his love for God. This is not something that you can impart. You
cannot be his savior or teacher. That is out of spiritual order. In his rightful
place as your personal priest, he should be leading you to a richer relationship
with Christ.If he is causing you to compromise your faith and destabilize your
walk, if he is leading you into sexual sin or causing you to be distracted from
your commitment to God, the relationship is too expensive. Offending the Lover
of your soul, who promises you eternal love, is too high a fare to pay for a
ride that has a limited run. If you and your man can't soar in the Spirit, when
the force of your love for another is tested by the pull or gravity of the
world, your union will not be able to survive.So you decide. How much is your
life worth? How much is your love worth? You will be able to accept only what
you believe you deserve. God himself calculated the worth of your love and
decided it was worth His life. He now pledges you His love for eternity. Yes,
Jesus sets the example for all others to follow when He paid a ransom for His
bride. Should you expect less from a mortal man? Throughout the Biblical age,
men were willing to pay the cost for what they truly desired. The truth of the
matter is everyone knows that anything worth having, costs and no one gets a
ride in this life for free.Our prayer:Dear Heavenly Father God,I confess that I
have not always been as careful as I should've been with my heart. From time to
time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my heart in the wrong hands. I
now commit my heart into Your hands for safekeeping. Please help me to stop
being so impulsive with what you deem so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your
love for me, let me learn from Your example what a bridegroom should really be
like. Help me to never settle for less than what you desire for me. As I embrace
You as the Lover of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart.
As I rest in Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach
me.
I ask that You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You
know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from
all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me
to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize
him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to typecast the men I
meet according to what I see. Help me to trust in Your knowledge and lean not on
my own understanding. I know that you know what is best for me; therefore I
yield to Your choice. In Jesus' Name. Amen.Ladies this is something you should
definitely share with a friend, whether you are single or married... It is
something to think about, when you ask is "He" the one!

The Death of the Hater...

At the request of a very dear friend, we are going to have to put to death the term "HATER" and more specifically the saying "Let your haters be your motivators".

I concur...

Let's discuss...

If you are a person that can not stand to see other people do well and try to degrade them in any way possible and find some negativity in what they are doing-this used to be called hating.

Let's be real. You actually are not a hater! You are a pilgrim. Because in all actuality, what you have done is settled for the circumstances in your life. You have decided that instead of trying to get out of your settlement, you'll just make everything seem as pitiful as you. So hater has been retired-but no worries-you CAN MOVE off of Plymouth Rock!!

If you are a person that thinks that every man/woman isn't about anything and thus you find faults in all the men/women that the people around you have in their lives and point out all the bad things and REFUSE to celebrate the good things-this used to be called hating.

CONGRATS AGAIN! You are NOT a hater-you are lonely. Point. Blank. Period. Katt Williams said it best..."You need to find out what it is about YOU". I am 99.9% sure that the men/women in your life have very many things in common and the most common denominator is YOU. Why can I call you on this? Cause I have a knack for giving out passes to men that don't even deserve a spot on ANY team. I'm not judging you-all I'm saying is it might be time to start looking for something different. It might be time to stop thinking that nobody has anything to tell you and listen to them. It might be time to step out of your comfort zone and realize what you thought was good for you isn't good for anybody. If all your friends think every man/woman you bring around isn't good enough for you-they aren't judgmental. You are not judgmental ENOUGH.
Loneliness is not a permanent status-but it can be a permanent mentality-which will lead to a permanent status if you don't CHANGE that mentality.

And please note-I am practicing what I preach!

If you are a person that thinks that everybody you see is too fat, too skinny, too ugly, too tall, too short, not fashionable enough, not perky enough, too perky, etc. etc. etc. and you can NEVER find anything nice to say...this could be called Hater activity.

Truth of the matter is, you are not quick witted, you don't have a good sense of humor, you aren't funny...you are insecure. If there is never anything nice to be said about ANYBODY else-chances are you can't bear the reflection in your mirror. Don't get me wrong, we all have pointed a finger and laughed and giggled...but a lot of us can look at someone and say "WOW, HE/SHE has it going on!" If you can't do that...you're not a hater. You're insecure. And chances are, you are old enough to fix whatever it is about you that you don't like. Insecurity is not permanent, ugliness is. But there's makeup for the outside kind...the inside kind takes a spiritual makeover.

Now, for those of you "letting your haters be your motivators"...this is fine as long as you aren't saying it 100,000 times a day! As a matter of fact, if you've said it more than once this week-chances are they don't motivate you at all-they have you perplexed as to why they hate you in the first place. See definitions of lonely, insecure, and pilgrim above.

So let's stop calling each other "HATERS" and let's call it how it is. Chances are, nobody cares enough to hate you. The things that people see in you are only things that they first recognized in themself. We all just aren't honest enough to admit that.

When someone is negative about everything...I can call it out because I used to find it hard to find anything good about my life.

Thank God for grace.

When someone is complaining about relationship issues...I recognize that loneliness because I'll be the first one to tell you I have relationship/commitment/attachment ISSUES. I just don't let it control me as much as it used to.

I'm still working on me.

When someone can't see the beauty in someone else...I recognize that insecurity because I battled mine for years-I just didn't let those thoughts come out my mouth. I recognize it because I was successful in being able to cover up my insecurities with the other confidences I had in myself and realized that those were the things people always put down. And I realize they "hated" it in me, because they wanted it for themselves.

There is room for plenty of fabulous people.

At the end of the day-what people say about you shouldn't affect you unless you question the same things. In that case-pose the question and find a solution to your problem. Just because a million people think you are worth a million bucks doesn't mean you have a cent in the bank account of YOU.

So, death to the "HATER".

Look in the mirror and value YOU. What you see in other people that you don't like...how does your opinion change their life? And if deep down you have to open your mouth to say something bad about someone else to make yourself feel better...just try to be a better you. Forgive yourself, if you don't-nobody else can. Love yourself-if you don't-nobody else can. Nobody can love you any more than you love yourself. So, I know ya'll love me A LOT! Don't NOBODY love Monica more than Monica, except for Christ himself and thank God for his love, grace, AND mercy!! When you realize how much God loves you in SPITE of who you are, how can you not give him reverence in doing the same.

The world is a very big place...I can't be fabulous by myself and I am surely flawed. There's plenty of room for everybody that wants to enjoy the ride instead of complaining that your seatbelt is too tight!

Dedicated to the "YOU"s that know who they are. I love you guys!

Blame it on the rain...or the fool that got you here

I have been trying to get my head around all the thoughts in my head and put them down in some type of cohesive matter, but that isn't going to happen. You may not be able to follow-these are the thoughts in my head and I'm just going to put them down as they come up. Good luck! :-)

Settling is for pilgrims, we've been through this right? Does God put people around you that went through the same things you have been through to show you how damn stupid you were? Or does he do it so you can really reflect on how many people tried to tell you to do something and you didn't listen? So many educated, beautiful, strong women around me settling for some straight up BULL. I mean I am SO guilty of listening to someone's bull, knowing it was bull, but giving the benefit of the doubt anyway-but I just can't hardly bear to watch it as a spectator. And personally, I have been looking at myself and wondering WHY did I put up with the bull I did. Recently, I have reconnected with a couple of ex-acquaintances and if it was possible to whoop my own ass, I certainly would.

I mean honestly, Did I really, REALLY send a box of what nots to Iraq EVERY week? Hoping and praying for a safe return, and secretly hoping me and this married fool could be together?
Yes I did.

Did I REALLY forgive him when he came back from Iraq and moved in across the street from an adopted big sister of mine WITH another chick, and STILL let this man have his way with me?
Guilty as charged.

Did this fool really come into town, not speak three words to me, and now pretending like shit is fine? YES HE DID. Why? Because that's that shit that they call bull that I would have put up with before. That's the treatment that I put up with for years as acceptable as LONG as I got a few minutes with his body.

Pitiful. Completely fucking desperate and pitiful.

AND...did I really start talking to a dude that could make me laugh cause he could make me laugh? NO job, NO career, CRIMINAL RECORD, NO damn hope for making it day to day except for the clothes I put on his back, the shoes I put on his feet, the money I put in his pocket... because he had a big dick and was funny.

Oh, yeah. Guilty AGAIN.

And I really started talking to this fool again? Did he say he wanted to get on boyfriend status? And THANK GOD for divine intervention when this fool sent me a text message talking about "I have enough gas to get down to your house, but not enough to get back-so I can take a raincheck or...?" OR WHAT? Or Monica can get her head out of her ass and realize that you are the same sorry-ass, punk-ass, broke-ass negro that you were before-but at least you're funny.

I really have outdone myself.

WHY, OH WHY on earth was I entertaining a depressed ass married man whose wife told him that the dog was more important than him? If she feels that way, what the hell am I listening for. Take your broken ass heart and try to get in good with the dog. At least if the dog likes you, you might have a chance to stick around.


OH YES...see, I have ROOM to talk. I have experienced ENOUGH to spot a no-good, no-good-intentions having negro. I can sniff them out. Hell, I've started thinking anybody I'm attracted to I should stay away from because I'm an equal opportunity sorry ass negro employing bitch. APPLY HERE, APPLY HERE, ALL ENTRIES WELCOME. I am so disgusted.

So my advice to my fellow women...If I say a negro ain't no good...run FAST. I apparently can't pick out the mildly sorry ones...but if I can pick out a sorry man-you better get gone because if he doesn't meet MY standards his ass is pitiful.


UGH...


Why doesn't money grow on trees? Why is it that I make ten times more than I ever have, but I'm mor broke than I've ever been? I guess I'll thank God for having problems like financing houses and things.

UGH...

And because of those sorry ass men I gave passes to, is it now true that I have someone standing in front of me...with all the right intentions, with all the right things to say, with the right things going on in life, and because I am so exhausted from putting in work to negro's that didn't deserve an ounce of my attention-now I don't WANT to put in the work to even trying to make this work? Am I trying to self destruct and find reasons why it won't work? Am I relating this to my last relationship because I don't want to end up hurt the same way or because it IS actually the same thing? Is it the same because I picked wrong again, or is it the same because now God is trying to show me what's right? Has he not contacted me as much because he's busy? Is it because he realizes he's not as interested? Or is it because he can sense that I'm trying to throw his ass out before he even really steps foot into the door? Is it true that I'm not even considering my right now feelings, but choosing to remember the way I FELT when I had everything then nothing? Is it possible that I can see so easily how I could love him, but won't let myself get any closer to that emotion?

All true. Guilty...of all of it.


God will work it all out. He knows the outcome, he knows the answer, he knows my questions, he will give me my answers and all he wants me to do is believe.

All I want to do is run.

All he wants me to do is be still.

All I want is for my mind to be still.

All he wants me to do is believe.

All I want to believe is that I know what's best for me.

All he wants me to know is he knows what's best for me.

All I want him to know is that I'd like an e-mail, a certified letter, or an announcement from heaven to know what that is.

I'm just saying.


UGH.

The Closed Door...

Keith,

It's been almost one month since you passed away. I have started this so many times-but I couldn't bring myself to finish until I realized I need to let it go.

Every morning I walk in this building, and as I get ready to go to my desk the closed door of your office reminds me that you're not here. There isn't a day that goes by that you aren't somehow brought up in conversation among us regarding work or personal lives-but it shows me that you were an important friend and mentor to all of us.

I remember when you first got diagnosed with Cancer. You wouldn't look me in the eye and I thought something was strange. You kept having closed door meetings with Larry and we all thought Larry was getting ready to retire!! I wish that's what it was. The day you brought us all together to tell us of the cancer that they found in your body was a terrible day for me. I'm sorry I had nothing to say. I'm sorry that I couldn't show you right then how important you were to me. I knew that you were watching me and watching my reaction. To see you almost break down tore me up on the inside, but I thought if I broke down too it would be too much for you. So I simply walked past you and left you the card I put in your box that day.

Your will to live amazed me. The times we got to see each other and it was YOU lifting my spirits always left me in awe of the person you were. It made me want to try harder, to work harder, to let you know there was nothing here for you to worry about. I never felt like I could fill your shoes but I wanted you to be worry free about what was going on at work.

In my heart, I knew you'd never come back to work. But, I was hoping that you would have time to spend with your family and realize that there were more important things in life than a "job".

Keith, you are the most important mentor I have ever had in my life. You believed in me at a time I wasn't sure anybody would. You gave me a voice in a company where I never thought I'd ever be relevant. And I know you would say you didn't give me anything-that I just realized my full potential. I will never EVER forget your words. I will never EVER forget your encouragement, I will never EVER forget how much you believed in me, and I hope that I never let you down.

At your memorial service, your daughter spoke of the things you instilled in her and your son. And my heart was so full because those were the things you taught me too. This with the assurance from Larry that "He liked you a lot, a whole lot" made me feel close to you.

I thank God that the last time I saw you I was led to tell you how I really felt. I'm glad I got to tell you how much I missed you being here and how much I actually respected you as a boss and loved you as a person. I don't know if I could live with that regret. I'm glad that I had an opportunity to make you smile, and I'm glad we shared laughter.

For some time, I've felt like I shouldn't still be grieving. But I think it speaks to the person you are. You changed my life. You provided me an opportunity in life to make my life better and in turn make my son's life better and I will be eternally grateful for that more than you can ever know. I hope you knew how important you are to me. I hope you knew what a difference you made in my life. I hope you knew how important our friendship was to me.

The closed door reminds me that you aren't here...

but you will live in my open heart now and forever.

I can't pay you back, but I will do my best to pay what you taught me forward.

Thank you for what you did for me.

Thank you for believing in me.

Thank you.

Looking in my Mirror

I've been trying to piece together my thoughts on Michael Jackson since the day that he passed.

I was in disbelief. I was completely heartbroken. Now, I might not have been as vocal a fan of Michael Jackson as others-but that's not my nature. As I've gotten older I haven't talked much about Michael because it always brought unwanted opinions, unwanted jokes, unwanted negativity that I had no desire to be a part of.

There are a few real ARTISTS that I have always been determined to implant in my son's musical tastes and how could Michael Jackson NOT be one of them. When they started playing the video montage's of Michael and the Jackson 5, I realized I had done him no justice. My son was mesmerized by Michael. He stayed up all night watching videos. Waking me up to ask me if I knew that Thriller was a "movie-mini". Yes, son. Waking me up again to tell me Man in the Mirror-a longtime favorite song of his-was on because he had never seen the video. Yes, son. Waking me up to tell me he had rewound the Heal the World performance and put it on the DVR and now knew the harmony. Good for you, son. Waking me up again to say "Michael Jackson was a handsome young man but look at JANET JACKSON in this video". Yes, son. And one last time before I went to bed to let me know "Michael really did bridge the gap for a lot of styles of music, Mommy". Yes, son. Still in this day and age, Michael is still magic to a generation in the making. He is the soundtrack to many generations...he is the theme music for HOPE.

It didn't hit me until I watched my son rocking back and forth to Man in the Mirror, and he looked at me with his big brown eyes and said "Mommy, he knew a little change in some of us could make a big change for all of us". And that's when the tears came. My nine year old, always speaking so plainly but always speaking something I need to hear. I'm always so thankful that it seems his voice is the voice of MY reason, MY blessings, what needs to be the reflection in MY mirror.

When he asked me what Michael did wrong, I had no desire and felt it unnecessary to explain the details to him. I told him that in my heart, I know Michael Jackson would never hurt a child. I do believe he did some things that were inappropriate for an adult to do-but not maliciously. I asked him if he could imagine a life where he couldn't go to school, couldn't play sports, couldn't do ANYTHING but make sure EVERYTHING he did was to please the millions of eyes on him. Most of us can't do right only in the eyes of God...could we be responsible for nations?? As I listen to Michael's pleas to help children around the world, to make ways to end suffering, it just breaks my heart that he couldn't save the child suffering the most-himself.

What Michael Jackson did for music will never, ever be achieved by another musician alive today-that's what I believe. He was not just an okay singer that could dance...he was not just a pretty face that could kind of carry a note, but had enough drama to create a little star power...he was not just a wanna-be artist who had mastered a computer program and could manipulate other people's songs to make it kind of his own. He was an ARTIST. A complete ARTIST. I think the biggest tragedy is that the events of his life prevented him from working with any other artist to share that talent, that vision, that MAGIC.

But his biggest accomplishment is how much he gave. I can't even comprehend the amount of love and compassion he poured out from his heart to help so many people. He set a shining example for so many people. The reminder of the example that he set for other artists, people, philanthropists, and others just makes me feel like I didn't appreciate him enough when he was here. Even if I was never to meet him-he should have been held up as a higher example.

Watching his memorial made me laugh, cry, and remember how his songs touched my life. And then I think if it touched my life like that-I can only imagine what he has done for other people. Watching his daughter extend her love to her father made me remember that we are all capable of doing so much more than we do-there are just very few of us who are willing to put ourselves out there to maximize our potential.

Listening to his music today makes me feel like I loved his music because of him, and I loved the songs because of him, but they never truly penetrated my heart, my mind, and my soul as a trinity. I am looking in my mirror, and I know that's where the change has to start.

"A little change in some of us could make a big change for all of us"
It's not the first time my son has said this...it's just the first time I really heard him.

One of the first songs I taught my son to harmonize to was "You are not alone".


And I'm not.

Talking to Monica

I am happy-ecstatic actually.

I am conflicted-completely.

I'm trying to figure out why I can find happiness for everyone else, but I question it when it comes around for me. Everything I've asked for, everything I prayed for, more than I could hope for-right in front of me and I can't step towards it.

So-I have to talk to Monica. I have to talk to Monica as if I'm not her. I have to give the advice I would give someone else-because my own mind is so in my way right now, I can't get past the blaring doubts that I'm throwing in the way.

So, to me-Monica is a woman that puts on a good face for everyone. Only those that really know her know when the true emotion comes even though not often. Monica takes care of people-believing that she should always do whatever she can for other people because it is the right thing to do, hoping that she will be blessed for her kindness and never expecting anything back in return because she sees the fruits of her labor in the ways she has been blessed and the lessons she has learned. Monica is a woman who stands whole only because she pieced herself together through not letting traumatic experiences as a child define her, and understanding the selfish person she became for a short period in her life left no one to suffer more than herself-and the consequences are and were just and self inflicted. Monica stands as a woman who wouldn't do a thing to change her past because her walk in faith has led her to know and believe that every single thing that happened to her happened for a reason and stands on it all as a living testimony that God has not given up on her and is still blessing her in the face of every adversity.

Monica is learning to trust herself. Monica is learning to not put so much trust in other people. Monica doesn't hold what people did against them, but takes it in again as a lesson for herself.

But...
Monica understands the hardships that happen in her life-but when good things come her way-Monica has a hard time believing that she deserves them.

Monica has taken control and not allowed people to hold her past against her-but just recently Monica has learned that she is holding it against herself wondering if she has been forgiven or if things will resurface.

So if Monica actually found a good thing and completely doubted that she deserved it, or that it could be something long-lasting, and/or worthwhile, and doubts that she even needs it...what would I say to her?

Maybe I would ask her to remember that when she loved, she loved hard with out question, without resignation, without doubt. That she prayed for the man in her life to be a good role model to her son. That she prayed that she would have a marriage built on a solid foundation. That she prepared herself and prayed to be a good woman of God in order to be what she needed to be for the man, child, and their future. That she had grasped the idea of being with somebody and stopped hiding behind wanting to be alone.

I would remind Monica that SHE said that she got the answer to her prayer, but God just showed her that she was ready but she hadn't found the RIGHT man. I would remind her that she was thankful that God showed her the way OUT and I would tell her to be proud of herself for NEVER looking back and not being angry.

I would remind her that she is ready. I would show her that her worries that her son would be adversely affected has turned out to be a blessing because he followed her lead and is fine. Maybe I would tell her that although she met this other man in what seemed to be way too fast for HER predetermined time limits...maybe God didn't want her to lose focus. Maybe while she is ready, he wanted to show her who she was ready for. Maybe I would tell her that although he may NOT be the one, there's nothing wrong with letting someone love you or WANT to love you and be a part of your life.

Maybe I would tell her that the things that seem too good to be true aren't too good to be true, but a blessing. I would probably definitely tell her that by not thinking she deserved these things would be saying that she doesn't believe in God-because if she asked for forgiveness those sins have been cast out. But to not believe is telling God that she doesn't trust him. Maybe I would tell her to stop asking why and just say "thank you".

And maybe-she would listen.

But maybe...what's going on inside of her is so much that she still can't hear what I would be trying to say. Not because she doesn't want to hear it, but because she doesn't know how to turn the other thoughts down.

I would tell her to try and just live in this moment the best she can. I would remind her that she knows that there is no harm in giving love because you don't lose anything-as much love as you give is as much as you gain whether it is returned or not.

I've been talking to Monica since I got back yesterday.

I want to look towards whats happening in my life with the same excitement, with the same hope that he does...but I can't find it. It hurts me so bad-but I can't find it in me to believe that somebody can give me back what I've given. I'm not afraid to give-I'm afraid to let somebody love me without wondering if hurting me comes with it. Then I think he doesn't deserve that, I think I shouldn't be like that...and I'm right back to where I started.

I think that it's too perfect, I think that we fit too well, I think that this just seems too right for it to be right. And as much as that doesn't make sense-it makes sense to me but I'm trying to really just let it go. I'm really trying.

I see something great...something WONDERFUL in front of me. I just can't go to it.

So, I'll keep talking to Monica-hoping that I find it somewhere inside of me to stop just having strength and start applying it. To be courageous enough to know that as much as I think he deserves is as much as I deserve. To know that as much as I don't know, is as much as I do know. To know that I will not be led wrong, and stop thinking things will go wrong.

I'm talking to Monica, but I just can't break through.

Monica is not broken.
Monica will not be defined by her past.
Monica deserves the happiness she wishes for others-and for once she really sees it and more than that she feels it.
Monica knows what she wants, she just needs to go for it.


Monica is frustrated.

Monica is overwhelmed.



Monica is scared.

The Simplicity Detox

It's not that I haven't been writing...it's that I haven't taken the time to finish the entries that I've started. Sometimes when life is pushing you along, it's hard to take a moment to reflect on where you've been because you got here so fast!

Things have been good for me. The weight loss is going well, although it is now turning into more size loss and I have been getting a little aggravated with a pound or two gained, but I also started toning a lot more-so the solution is to stay off the scale and just stay focused!!

I'm running an impossible schedule right now. The boy has a full docket every DAY. Trying to manage that AND my life would seem to be unmanageable-but we don't speak that, we just do the impossible, thank God for the ability and keep it moving!

I feel so FREE. I've taken on the task of cleaning up the last of these debts that for so long I let anger me because they are not MINE, but from being taken advantage of in a relationship. And the more I learn about myself, about God, and about life-I realize that in some way these debts are mine-I WILL be responsible for the choices I make, and I will pay in one way or another. So, I have promised God and myself that I will pay for them. I went to a financial seminar so that I would be able assist in providing the classes at my church, but I was so blessed by the presentation. Confirmation from God that I am indeed on the right track, and from my calculations and Dave's plan, I should be debt free in about 10-14 months! YES!!

And, much to my own dismay-I have met somebody. I didn't plan for this to happen at all. In my own plan-I was going to be single for an undefined amount of time and just love on me for a while. Not that I don't know how to do it...I just enjoy being by myself. To me, I had learned so much from this relationship-I had gained so much MORE for myself. I'm not mad at him, I don't hate HIM, I just don't respect what he did or the person he showed me at ALL. But why would I be upset about that? I loved him the way you should love somebody you plan on spending the rest of your life with. I'm not sorry for any thing, any moment, any part of me that I gave him because I gave it in love. I did not give it without being able to truly give-I gave to him BECAUSE I am whole...and whatever he took from me-I am STILL whole. His exit from my life didn't change me, it made me realize how much better I am. I did ask God to make me the woman I needed to be for my husband, I did ask God to make me whole to be a good wife-and God showed me that he did that-and he also showed me that the husband I thought was mine was not for me at all. And I'm not mad. I am glad he showed me everything he did in order, and I am glad that if nothing else-God showed me that I should and CAN trust myself if I am trusting in HIM like I am supposed to. I'm thankful for that. There is nothing to be bitter about. I did not lose a thing that takes away from who I am. I lost 230 pounds of confusion, and I don't want it back.

Best Detox EVER. Thank you LORD for cleansing my soul.

However, this is not the simplicity detox I speak of.

I met the Mr. Sir through a mutual friend. We started chatting on Facebook (yes it's overtaking my life as well) and then it moved on to texting and phone conversation. We hit it off pretty much instantly. Because I am who I am, I thought maybe I just like him because I'm rebounding...I know myself better than that. I just learned that I could really trust myself, right? He doesn't live near me, so the only thing we can do is talk. I'm actually kind of glad, because when you get in someone's face-well at least when I do-if there is an attraction there, I'll act on it. Whether it be too soon or not, I'm grown. Doesn't matter. However, I've also made a vow that I was going to take better care of MY temple and act the way I am supposed to. So again, I am not perfect and definitely NOT a survivor of my own flesh-I'm glad he's long distance.

Over the phone, he seemed perfect. A man telling me things that makes it seem like he has sense doesn't mean to ME that he has good sense. It means he has good enough sense to say the things he should. Our conversations were deep. He had no fear to ask me the things he wanted to know, and I have nothing to hide-so his questions got answered. Now, I started talking to him like two weeks after the break up, but I have to tell you-there are no lingering feelings. I was just as done then as I am now. The issue was not that I still had feelings for my ex, just that I thought this might be happening way too soon. He is so different. With the ex, I would ALWAYS say he didn't care about what I did. And somehow, I let that be okay with me when it is so clearly NOT. So, now I had a man who would ask me about what I did and come back the next day asking questions after he had researched my company, projects I might be working on, things I might be interested in. Different. Being a scholar himself with a M.A. in Psychology, he challenged me to learn more about things I didn't know much about and I found we were going back and forth on an intellectual level that I really had only experienced with close friends or the peers I deem to be "as nerdy" as me. This was very refreshing!!

Somewhere along the way, naturally we started talking about meeting in person. We became friends very quickly. Conversation was easy...the thing that bothered me was that it was thoughts Mr. Sir that overtook thoughts of the ex, so in my mind-I was maybe just using one to get over the other. One day Mr. Sir posed the question "Do you think we will hit it off when we meet?" Of course! Why wouldn't he? He constantly had me laughing, always had me smiling, and I couldn't wait to talk to him more and more with every day just to see what he would be wanting to talk about next. He said, "Well you should be mines then". Being the person I am, I told him that if he ever asked that question in real life, he better NOT say "mines" and that I could not agree to that because we had never met. That's weird! So he said, okay-I'll be there next week. I was shocked! I told him my schedule is impossible and I'd be busy. And really-I might be ready to move on-but I told him there is NO WAY he could meet my son now. It's too early-too confusing. I already feel bad enough about bringing the ex into his life, PERIOD.

And then he opened up my mind to the simplicity I had been dealing with probably all my life and motivated me to do this detox.

His spiel went kind of like this:

OHHHHHHHHHHH, I see you are used to dealing with simple ass
minded negroes The kind that blow your back out 15 times
and in a month or so you are asking yourself "Where do we stand?", "What are we
doing?" because you never set any boundaries. Then you talk yourself into
thinking you have to know about him and he needs to know about you-and a S.A.N.
would use the things in your past to hold against you because his simple ass is
still trying to do what he wants to do. A REAL MAN could care less about
your damn past.

He went on to say:

I think you're an AMAZING woman and what you have been through in the past
makes you who YOU are, so at the end of the day I will just think MORE highly of
you if that's possible BECAUSE of what you've been through. A REAL
MAN knows enough to know-this woman is amazing-I know she's what I'm looking for
and I DARE NOT disrespect her and try to do any of these things we speak of
OUTSIDE of a relationship because I respect the woman that she is and she
deserves more than just to be a piece of ass.

I was absolutely speechless. And I was ten shades of stupid darker,
and ten pounds of clarity lighter...

And in my silence he continued on:

OR...maybe you're used to the S.A.N. that at some point agrees to be with you
but spends years trying to make sure there's nothing better out there, all the
while missing out on how the two of you could be growing together and missing
out on the little things about you everyday that he COULD be learning-but
instead uses simple ass excuses to make you feel bad about
YOURSELF. A REAL MAN doesn't need a time stipulation because a real
man knows enough about the simple bytches he's been with to know what he doesn't
want. Just like women, a man knows very quickly what his intentions
are with a certain woman or what they could be-just a real man acts on it NOW
rather than later realizing that if he hasn't found what he's looking for he's
REAL ENOUGH to let her go.

The only response I could utter is that it was just too soon. Somehow I thought this would end the open-handed slaps to my face that I had always known but never heard verbalized in my own reality.

And in response:

OHHHHHHHHHH...so you thought you found what you wanted in a man right? I
agree-so now that he messed up does that all change? Or, do you just
realize that what you thought you saw was what you wanted to see and instead of
handing out "it's okay to be simple" passes, you find a real man that doesn't
NEED a pass because he IS that man. So being alone for a certain period of
time will allow for you to find that man.

He said:

You're absolutely right...they hand out a timeline for when a woman is ready.

Can I plead the fifth here?? Can this guy SHUTUP? Or can he apologize for not saying out loud what I knew but needed to hear YEARS ago. I told him I was tired, wanted to get off the phone.

I didn't get off that easy.

Don't get mad at ME. I'm a real man. You're a smart,
educated, focused woman with goals-I guess I just assumed that you knew and were
smart enough to know that you deserve somebody that appreciates you for who you
are and wants nothing more than to explore your entire mind to find out
everything he can about you because you are just that special and you don't have
to do a thing for anybody to see that.

Maybe I'm too complex for you. Cause all those s.a.n.'s-I bet you
thought you knew them better than they knew themself. You felt like ya'll
were close and you "got him". How hard is it to understand someone
one step up from a single cell life form. Hell yeah you knew that
knukka...they read like Dr. Seuss!!

Then went on to ask if next week was too soon, because he wasn't trying to let me go. Then said:

Oh, wait-what are you waiting for me say...Aw girl...I don't have no money.
can you buy me a ticket? Or-my funds ain't right right now...let me
see what I can do. NOPE. I can come get in your face or you can
come get in mine-but we will be face to face. I might not be the
right man for you, but if I'm not I hope you find the GOOD REAL man that is
because if I don't deserve you, you definitely deserve a great man that matches
who YOU are. I don't want to take anything from you, I want us to be
able to add TO each other.

Later on at some point-his concern was that I had not necessarily told my son that things between me and the ex are over. My son is very in tune with me, and although I had not laid it out in black in white-I'm pretty sure he's aware of what happened.

Mr. Sir then asked me if the ex wanted children. I told him that he was very bitter about HIS ex having a baby by someone else, and that he had told me at one time that he would rather experience having a child with someone who was having their first child too. I then said "But that changed..."

He interrupted me and asked if I was serious. Asked a question that gets under my skin more than I had ever known "You're smart, right?" I was obviously offended and asked why the question?! He said that him taking that statement back was like somebody saying something when they're drunk, then saying they don't mean it when everybody knows they do!! He asked if for one second I thought that if I had another child if that child wouldn't take priority over mine. He asked how could I be serious about letting a S.A.N. with BABY ENVY raise my child. Mr. Sir made it very plain to me in the beginning that if my child was 5 or under he could not be bothered because he's not a fan of small children. He said that he would do much better with an older child, but wanting children to him doesn't mean having a brand new baby. He said if that is the situation he is in with me or ANY woman, he would want to not be viewed as "the mother's husband/boyfriend". He said he could not live in a situation where he was not being the best father he could be to the child of the woman he loved-that loving her would mean loving him, and being a father would mean being a father to that child FIRST before planning for any other.

Again...no words.

It's not that anything he said is not what us "girls" have been telling each other for years after we get through our own experiences. Why it was so different to hear it from a man, I don't know. Or maybe, it was just the right time for me to receive it. This man didn't know as much about me as others and could stand up and say I'm amazing and is willing to bet that what I've been through has made me who I am. It's what I've been screaming from the inside out to deaf ears for so many years. It made him seem too good to be true. It made me mad instead of being flattered that somebody held me in such high regard. It made me realize that I've been ingesting a whole LOT of simple for way too long and it was time to let it GO.

So, to my relief, I had already detoxed the SIMPLENESS out of my life, but in retrospect it made me sick to realize how much of it I had taken. It's all done now. I am who I am because of what I've been through.

I have promised myself to not let simple rules RULE my life and to let life flow as it comes. Knowing that in tough times I will be strong, that in good times I will be thankful, and in all times I will remain faithful.

I don't know where things will go, but I'm not going to try to plan it, I'm going to let go and see where it takes me. I'm going to stop looking back and trying to remember when I enjoyed the ride and start enjoying the ride and just holding on when it gets bumpy.

I'm going to stop settling for people who think I need to prove myself to them and know that people of a like mind, and a likeNESS to who I am will see it without being told.

I'm going to detox the simplicity of other people out of my life and never let it back in. Much like dieting, it's a lifestyle change.

Simplicity Detox...The only miracle diet where you gain so much with the loss of what ends up really being so little.

Never Again...

You know, my personal motto is to EVERYDAY be better than I was the day before. So instead of being pissed, sad, or overly emotional-I guess I'm going to have to take this situation and be thankful for all the things I continue to learn about myself. Deeper understanding can only lead to better things, right?

So, I've stopped trying to understand his actions. I've stopped trying to NOT be mad at him. I've stopped trying to still give him some kind of credit for the man I thought he was. That man would still be with me. So, I've had some time to think about the things that I won't do again. EVER.

I admit that in my past-I haven't had a lot of definitive relationships that people would deem normal. The relationship consisted of me getting what I wanted and that's it. I had no problem with that. I had no use for having to answer to anybody, for having to spend unreasonable amounts of time with anybody, for trying to make it more than it was. I had no desire to be called before 10 pm. I had no desire to hang out with friends and family. My only desire was to be left alone and then available when I requested. Now along with this, I gave up little to NO information about myself. For what? I wasn't trying to make any meaningful connections. Now listen, I know you may read this in complete amazement at how trifling I was. YES TRIFLING. Nobody can tell you better about the things I have done than me, and I never intend to be anything but real ABOUT ME. I hated being questioned. I hated having to pretend to care about somebody else's life-because I had enough going on on my own.

I wouldn't even call the relationship with my son's father anything close to functional. I know that people looked at me and thought I was being so silly. That he was doing what he wanted to do and I was turning away from the truth. No...for the people that really know me, they know the truth IS that we were the same. To this day, you could never get him to believe that. You could never tell him that even TODAY I don't still think the sun rises and sets in him. I just didn't get caught. Yes, for periods of time I was faithful. But everytime he cheated on me, he got cheated on. I just never got caught. I never expected to get pregnant, but when I did I think he thought he was ready for a child and marriage. And coming from a home where my parents are STILL married, I figured the right thing to do was to get married for the child's sake. The only thing that you could definitely say about the relationship is that it was dysfunctional and lasted for a long period of time. It wasn't a good situation for me. I lost a lot of things, but the best thing I learned was what I would NEVER settle for. I don't have any hard feelings towards him, because I always kind of felt like whatever I got-somehow I deserved it. The best thing I ever did was walk away from that relationship-and somehow he still hates me for that today, and even more for the fact that I don't care. Now the stupidity after I left him-well that's for another day. :-)

So anyway, when you have "acquaintances" like I did, it's not like you ever officially break anything off. I mean, these men were trained to not call me in the first place. After time went on, yes they would check in from time to time. They might get me to go out to dinner. And in a couple cases, I thought I might actually want to spend more time so there was more interaction. Telling me that they "Loved me", or I was "the kind of woman I could settle down with" was a surefire one way ticket to get your contact info changed to "Do Not Answer #x" and should I ever see that person on the street they might get a handshake and a hello. THAT WAS IT.

None of these men ever spent any real time with my son. On a few occasions I MAY have let them come to my house, but there were other people around. It was never a "just the 3 of us" situation. Now, I started to realize that my undeniable devotion and love for my son led some to think that I really did have feelings for them but I was "scared" or trying to be hard, or didn't want to get hurt. Whatever...come around when I need you-that's all I cared about.

For the ones that I did happen TO care about, there often was a situation where I knew they had another girl, whatever. In hindsight, I realize you get what you put forth. So that shadiness, the seemingly lack of ability to have one woman-I never got mad about it. I didn't care. They were looking at a mirror image in me and just didn't know it. See, I have always known that I look very innocent. And my sarcasm in telling the truth was only taken as sarcasm. I never told anybody they were my "boyfriend", or they were the only one I was dealing with-that assumption was a self made assumption that I never cosigned for. All men assumed that my schedule would only allow for maybe one man. They let the 3 times a week in church, constant running around for my son's sports, constant meetings and trips for my professional organizations and work commitments would make it impossible for me to have time for anybody else since I seldom had time for them. Conversations would be like "I hardly ever see or talk to you, if I didn't know any better I'd think you had another man" and my reply would be "Well, I don't have a man. But you hardly ever see me cause I have to make time for the other 3 or 5 negroes I got on my roster". Those comments would be laughed off. It would be assumed that I was being sarcastic.

And I hardly EVER let them come to my house. When they did, they had to come well after my son was sleep and leave right after the business was adjourned. Did none of them ever think it was strange that they had and still have NEVER seen my house? Did they not think it strange that they would come in the kitchen, go downstairs to the bedroom and leave out the same way. It was acceptable to make a pit stop in the bathroom, but shower? NO. Drinks? NO-there's a 7 eleven down the street? Dinner? PLEASE.

So to me, how is it that you could deduce that I was the type of woman you could fall in LOVE with? How could you know you wanted to settle down with me, when real talk-you were getting pimped in the WORST way. And when I really had to break it down for some of them...well-that's why most men I deal with don't talk to me now. I'm fine with that.

I am not proud of the way I handled my personal life. I am not proud of the way that I played with people's emotions. My decision to stop doing this came long before I decided to get serious with Anthony. I had really stopped dealing with everybody. IF they should happen to text, I just didn't answer. No harm no foul.

So, when Anthony and I got back together, we shared alot about our lives. Only this time, it was about the time we had not been together. And actually-in that time-I had really kind of slowed down on being like that. In the year and a half that we were not together, I really only dealt with one person on a more serious level-but nothing major. So, this behavior had gotten old to me somewhere in my mid twenties. I told Anthony everything about how I used to be. For me, I was showing him that I wasn't sneaky anymore. I had no need for that. That vindictive "You got me, but I'll get you one better" was gone. In the process, I actually did hurt a lot of good men and I'm not proud of that at all.

So in Anthony's insecurity-he really had a problem with me dealing with any ex-boyfriend. I think by now we all know his reasons why. I never really cared that he dealt with his ex-girlfriends UNLESS I felt like there was something unresolved. Talk about going with your damn gut! So then, I started being like him, telling him to stop dealing with these chicks that weren't over him. SO NOT ME.

SO-never again will I put myself in a situation where I start acting out of MY character. WE all have exes in our life, and if you spent any amount of time with them and you are both over it-there is no reason you can not be friends. I have never asked an ex boyfriend to stop dealing with an EX. But at the same time, I know NOW that if you have that feeling that unresolved feelings are there-that's between those two people still having some sort of emotional connection. And if you have an emotional connection to someone else-how can you be 100% connected to me. Emotional Promiscuity-UNACCEPTABLE. I know now that that connection should have been resolved BEFORE I came around.

Along with that, I have some exes, people I dealt with, whatever-that are actually good friends to me. I stopped talking to all of them. Stopped having any kind of reasonable communication so that Anthony could feel better about his insecurities. But-I'm not like him! I made it plain and clear to these men that we were done. And the stupid thing is-that these men are all intelligent, respectable men that didn't overstep once I made things plain. Did some overstep? YES, but I explained to Anthony that is on ME. Because in the past, I might have been dealing with somebody-but that didn't mean I wouldn't deal with them too. So it wasn't on them, it was on me but I corrected the situation. It shouldn't have been an issue after that. For most of my 30 years if people didn't know anything else about me, they know I can't stand bullshit. So why I accepted this from him...well I know why-because I love him, but really-I have never backed down from anything or anyone before, so why I started with him, not sure. Never again.

Everything I did to show him that I was really there-he just used it as his own fuel to tell himself I wasn't trustworthy. What I'm thankful for is that my friends, real friends, see the change in me and that should have been enough for me to know that it wasn't ME it was him. So to my friends, I feel like I owe an apology because it's basically like I was telling you "Thanks for noticing but you don't matter" because it was HIM that I wanted to see it.

I am so much smarter than I have been. It is true you can't help who you love. It is true that you do stupid things for love.

I worked hard for that relationship, and I don't regret a thing. I did everything I could and I damn sure gave everything I have. Anything worth having will take work, and I worked and fought for a life I thought we would share together.

But never again will I let someone else's insecurity define who I am or the things that I do.

Take it or leave it.

And I'm just finally realizing that if you leave it, I'll be okay. Because everything I worked for, everything I am, everything I have is still mine. You left-but you didn't take it.

And in all the hurt, I allowed him to make me feel like I have nothing left.

Never again.

Side Piece?

I realize that constantly trying to make sense of this situation makes no sense. I'm not a person without logic or reason, but I am human and contrary to popular belief I do have feelings. :-)

So, talking to a male friend last night he made a good point-was I the girlfriend or side piece? See, I'd like to think that being in touch with his family-sending flowers, Christmas baskets, and being taken to socialize with siblings and such would make me the girlfriend, but maybe not.

Now I understand the sideways looks of his friends, the uncomfortable side glances, and the questions. It used to bother me that his friends were always trying to say something shocking about him to me and I would tell them we didn't have any secrets from each other-and they would chuckle and exchange glances.

I witnessed them non-chalantly trying to expose another one of their friends while he was there with another girl. How come I didn't get it? I mean really!

I have been really trying not to get so mad that I completely erase him from my life. It's painful. I love him. But I wonder if he showed me the person he really was when we were together or in the end? Another question I know can never be answered. I know it's unfair to say that he never loved me if he treated me like this-but how can I feel like his feelings were genuine when it seems clear to me day to day that the relationship I was in is NOT the relationship he was in.

And although I want to keep the door open for him, I just can't. If he ever truly wanted to let go of these games he plays-if he ever truly wanted to be the man I know or thought he could be-if he ever truly wanted to change-then maybe I could open the door. But for now-it must be closed.

I can't help wondering what else I was supposed to do. I want to tell myself and I want to hear when people tell me I did more than I should-but if that is really true-would I be here?

Over and over again he would tell me that he had no idea why I even wanted to be with someone like him who was doing nothing with his life. Over and over he wondered why I saw what I saw in him. Over and over he told me that I was such a great person, that I was everything that he could ever want but he didn't know why he deserved me. Does he believe that? Does he believe that he did not deserve me and then go find someone he thought he did?? Or does he truly think I don't deserve him? Am I truly not the one he wanted, so he said what he said to try to make me feel better about myself?

I'm proud of myself for the way I've changed, the way I've grown up, for loving somebody with everything I have and showing to them that nothing was ever too big, nothing was ever too hard-that I would be steadfast by his side no matter what. He walked away...AGAIN.

So, I could wonder if I was the side piece or the girlfriend.

I could wonder what I did wrong.

I could be mad at him for lying and cheating on me.

Instead, I will hold on to that love that I had for him. Pure, unconditional, without limits, without boundaries...and know that I gave that to him. Know that I gave him everything I had, and if it wasn't enough for him-then it just wasn't enough.

I'm not sorry for loving him. I'm not sorry for giving myself completely. I'll never be sorry for the time we did have.

I'll always be thankful for his love. I'll always be thankful for the things he taught me about myself. I'll always be glad that I opened up my heart. I will remember him for the person I thought he was. I will never stop hoping that is the man he can be. I will never stop praying that he conquers every dream he ever had and becomes the star I know he is.

I will not try to understand the man that he showed me, because that is not the man I loved. And if that is the man that he is, I pray he doesn't give up on being the man he wants to be.

In reality, I could not be his girlfriend, She can not be his girlfriend...nobody can be anything. Because the first love he needs to find is that unconditional love for himself.

So while I love him, while I'm sad to have lost him...I have to love me more than that.

It's not getting easier. I don't feel any better-I just know that this is the reality.

It doesn't matter where I stood...

All that matters is that I stand.

I'm standing.

I'm living.

I will be okay.

If I had never loved him-I would not have known I was capable.
I'll take that.