Why Are You Talking to Me?

"I hate black people"

Unfortunately, this was the statement made to my 9-year old during recess yesterday. To which he replied, "Then why are you talking to me?!"

I thought his response was great. I talked it over with him. I thought we were done with it...and then I caught him deep in thought later in the evening. I asked what was wrong, he replied nothing. I asked what he was thinking about-and the tears started falling.

It frustrates me to no end when I don't have an answer for his queries. It makes me sick to my stomach that he had to go through this and it made me feel like a failure because even through everything I told him, I KNOW it doesn't take the pain away.

So in this situation, I have to hope that he believes that everything he knows and has been told about God is true. I have to trust that telling him that God had this planned out for him will lead him to be grateful and not angry. I have to believe that that he will turn that pain into the RIGHT energy to feed the RIGHT things. I hope that he can follow through on our conversation of forgiveness and where it comes from and WHY we forgive in the first place. And then to look him squarely in the eye and tell him that this was not the first and probably won't be the last-so hard.

I do however think his reply was priceless...if you hate me, then why ARE you talking to me?

Good for him.

We work twice as hard, so we are twice as good.

I know he is being made strong...I just hope I have given him the proper tools to allow his spirit to take that journey.

Blame it on the rain...or the fool that got you here

I have been trying to get my head around all the thoughts in my head and put them down in some type of cohesive matter, but that isn't going to happen. You may not be able to follow-these are the thoughts in my head and I'm just going to put them down as they come up. Good luck! :-)

Settling is for pilgrims, we've been through this right? Does God put people around you that went through the same things you have been through to show you how damn stupid you were? Or does he do it so you can really reflect on how many people tried to tell you to do something and you didn't listen? So many educated, beautiful, strong women around me settling for some straight up BULL. I mean I am SO guilty of listening to someone's bull, knowing it was bull, but giving the benefit of the doubt anyway-but I just can't hardly bear to watch it as a spectator. And personally, I have been looking at myself and wondering WHY did I put up with the bull I did. Recently, I have reconnected with a couple of ex-acquaintances and if it was possible to whoop my own ass, I certainly would.

I mean honestly, Did I really, REALLY send a box of what nots to Iraq EVERY week? Hoping and praying for a safe return, and secretly hoping me and this married fool could be together?
Yes I did.

Did I REALLY forgive him when he came back from Iraq and moved in across the street from an adopted big sister of mine WITH another chick, and STILL let this man have his way with me?
Guilty as charged.

Did this fool really come into town, not speak three words to me, and now pretending like shit is fine? YES HE DID. Why? Because that's that shit that they call bull that I would have put up with before. That's the treatment that I put up with for years as acceptable as LONG as I got a few minutes with his body.

Pitiful. Completely fucking desperate and pitiful.

AND...did I really start talking to a dude that could make me laugh cause he could make me laugh? NO job, NO career, CRIMINAL RECORD, NO damn hope for making it day to day except for the clothes I put on his back, the shoes I put on his feet, the money I put in his pocket... because he had a big dick and was funny.

Oh, yeah. Guilty AGAIN.

And I really started talking to this fool again? Did he say he wanted to get on boyfriend status? And THANK GOD for divine intervention when this fool sent me a text message talking about "I have enough gas to get down to your house, but not enough to get back-so I can take a raincheck or...?" OR WHAT? Or Monica can get her head out of her ass and realize that you are the same sorry-ass, punk-ass, broke-ass negro that you were before-but at least you're funny.

I really have outdone myself.

WHY, OH WHY on earth was I entertaining a depressed ass married man whose wife told him that the dog was more important than him? If she feels that way, what the hell am I listening for. Take your broken ass heart and try to get in good with the dog. At least if the dog likes you, you might have a chance to stick around.


OH YES...see, I have ROOM to talk. I have experienced ENOUGH to spot a no-good, no-good-intentions having negro. I can sniff them out. Hell, I've started thinking anybody I'm attracted to I should stay away from because I'm an equal opportunity sorry ass negro employing bitch. APPLY HERE, APPLY HERE, ALL ENTRIES WELCOME. I am so disgusted.

So my advice to my fellow women...If I say a negro ain't no good...run FAST. I apparently can't pick out the mildly sorry ones...but if I can pick out a sorry man-you better get gone because if he doesn't meet MY standards his ass is pitiful.


UGH...


Why doesn't money grow on trees? Why is it that I make ten times more than I ever have, but I'm mor broke than I've ever been? I guess I'll thank God for having problems like financing houses and things.

UGH...

And because of those sorry ass men I gave passes to, is it now true that I have someone standing in front of me...with all the right intentions, with all the right things to say, with the right things going on in life, and because I am so exhausted from putting in work to negro's that didn't deserve an ounce of my attention-now I don't WANT to put in the work to even trying to make this work? Am I trying to self destruct and find reasons why it won't work? Am I relating this to my last relationship because I don't want to end up hurt the same way or because it IS actually the same thing? Is it the same because I picked wrong again, or is it the same because now God is trying to show me what's right? Has he not contacted me as much because he's busy? Is it because he realizes he's not as interested? Or is it because he can sense that I'm trying to throw his ass out before he even really steps foot into the door? Is it true that I'm not even considering my right now feelings, but choosing to remember the way I FELT when I had everything then nothing? Is it possible that I can see so easily how I could love him, but won't let myself get any closer to that emotion?

All true. Guilty...of all of it.


God will work it all out. He knows the outcome, he knows the answer, he knows my questions, he will give me my answers and all he wants me to do is believe.

All I want to do is run.

All he wants me to do is be still.

All I want is for my mind to be still.

All he wants me to do is believe.

All I want to believe is that I know what's best for me.

All he wants me to know is he knows what's best for me.

All I want him to know is that I'd like an e-mail, a certified letter, or an announcement from heaven to know what that is.

I'm just saying.


UGH.

Dear ________,

Sometimes, it's not even worth it to expend the energy on someone to tell them how you really feel. But what better place to do it than here. Understand, there are not really any hard feelings or pent up frustrations-it just came to me in a moment when someone I don't give two pieces of a care about was trying to justify their actions on something I don't even care about anymore.

So to all my "blanks"...you don't even deserve name recognition-but hey-you get a shout out in my blog anyway!

Dear ____,
You are an asshole. When you get lonely in the desert, find a friend that cares only about what you look like and nothing of how you actually feel. When you get lonely in real life and realize that there was somebody willing to put your needs first-just hang my picture up. That's all the access you will ever have to me again.

Thanks for your timely exit.
Happy Travels.

Dear ____,
It amuses me to no end that I know you are walking around on this planet thinking that you ruined my life, and/or that I am torn to pieces. I'd like to happily report that your pitiful existence was the best spot removal process I have ever performed on my life. I hope the ratings go up in the soap opera life you live. If nothing else, at least the soundtrack will be great.

Thanks for the big crescendo at the end.
CUT!


Dear ____,
If all the things you ever said were true, I believe I would probably shit gumballs and drink from the strawberry soda fountains floating in the air. I'm sorry I ever led you to believe I actually did believe your bull. It wasn't nice of me, and for that I apologize. In nine years, hopefully I will get to forget that you breathe-but until then, I'll keep it kosher. Take care.

In your free time, maybe you could figure out a way to be a full time person and only a part-time failure.
TOUCHDOWN!


Dear ____,

If nothing else, I'm glad to know that you did at one time have a good friend. I hope you find another. I hope you find a hobby, a purpose, a backbone, and at some point, YOURSELF. If I ever become a user, hopefully I can find someone like you that gives without any requirements for giving back.

You actually are a great person. I just hope you realize you're worth more than the bullshit you don't even ask to get paid for.


Dear ____,
In my darkest hour, on my worst day, in my last second...you will still not be 1/1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000th of the woman that I am. Stop trying.
Thanks for playing, though.


Dear ____,
If I pretend like you don't exist, will you disappear? You know how every once in awhile a normal person gets the chance to entertain a star? That's what happened to you. Your 15 minutes are way overdue-don't you have a life to pretend like you have?
COFFEE BREAK!


Dear ____,
You are a fine piece of meat, yes you are. But if I had to work with what you got-I'd leave your ass too. Your wife isn't a bitch-she's a damn patient woman, or a lesbian since she's basically bumping uglies with you.
ATTENTION PENIS...the rest of the body is at 33 yrs old...please catch up from 3 months!
Are you sure those kids are yours?


Dear ____,
Listen, I see through your tiny little disposition. You are a hater, tried and true, and I know what you really got going on. If I was jumping off with everyone that I could, I'd be insecure about my marriage, life, self, and everything else too. You can hate on me if it makes you feel better about the things that you do. But uh, I'm not married, not desperate, not ugly, not confused about who I am...so this might be a frustrating task for you.


Dear Reader,

Please don't think that I hate any one of these people. They have showed me things in themselves that I want to be sure I never take on for myself. They have showed me how ugly things can get when you are any one of these people, and I am so thankful for the lessons that they have shared by example. They can all change, they can all do better, they can all be better. But until they get there-they can't ever say they didn't get a shout out for the time period that they sucked at life!!

The Closed Door...

Keith,

It's been almost one month since you passed away. I have started this so many times-but I couldn't bring myself to finish until I realized I need to let it go.

Every morning I walk in this building, and as I get ready to go to my desk the closed door of your office reminds me that you're not here. There isn't a day that goes by that you aren't somehow brought up in conversation among us regarding work or personal lives-but it shows me that you were an important friend and mentor to all of us.

I remember when you first got diagnosed with Cancer. You wouldn't look me in the eye and I thought something was strange. You kept having closed door meetings with Larry and we all thought Larry was getting ready to retire!! I wish that's what it was. The day you brought us all together to tell us of the cancer that they found in your body was a terrible day for me. I'm sorry I had nothing to say. I'm sorry that I couldn't show you right then how important you were to me. I knew that you were watching me and watching my reaction. To see you almost break down tore me up on the inside, but I thought if I broke down too it would be too much for you. So I simply walked past you and left you the card I put in your box that day.

Your will to live amazed me. The times we got to see each other and it was YOU lifting my spirits always left me in awe of the person you were. It made me want to try harder, to work harder, to let you know there was nothing here for you to worry about. I never felt like I could fill your shoes but I wanted you to be worry free about what was going on at work.

In my heart, I knew you'd never come back to work. But, I was hoping that you would have time to spend with your family and realize that there were more important things in life than a "job".

Keith, you are the most important mentor I have ever had in my life. You believed in me at a time I wasn't sure anybody would. You gave me a voice in a company where I never thought I'd ever be relevant. And I know you would say you didn't give me anything-that I just realized my full potential. I will never EVER forget your words. I will never EVER forget your encouragement, I will never EVER forget how much you believed in me, and I hope that I never let you down.

At your memorial service, your daughter spoke of the things you instilled in her and your son. And my heart was so full because those were the things you taught me too. This with the assurance from Larry that "He liked you a lot, a whole lot" made me feel close to you.

I thank God that the last time I saw you I was led to tell you how I really felt. I'm glad I got to tell you how much I missed you being here and how much I actually respected you as a boss and loved you as a person. I don't know if I could live with that regret. I'm glad that I had an opportunity to make you smile, and I'm glad we shared laughter.

For some time, I've felt like I shouldn't still be grieving. But I think it speaks to the person you are. You changed my life. You provided me an opportunity in life to make my life better and in turn make my son's life better and I will be eternally grateful for that more than you can ever know. I hope you knew how important you are to me. I hope you knew what a difference you made in my life. I hope you knew how important our friendship was to me.

The closed door reminds me that you aren't here...

but you will live in my open heart now and forever.

I can't pay you back, but I will do my best to pay what you taught me forward.

Thank you for what you did for me.

Thank you for believing in me.

Thank you.

Looking in my Mirror

I've been trying to piece together my thoughts on Michael Jackson since the day that he passed.

I was in disbelief. I was completely heartbroken. Now, I might not have been as vocal a fan of Michael Jackson as others-but that's not my nature. As I've gotten older I haven't talked much about Michael because it always brought unwanted opinions, unwanted jokes, unwanted negativity that I had no desire to be a part of.

There are a few real ARTISTS that I have always been determined to implant in my son's musical tastes and how could Michael Jackson NOT be one of them. When they started playing the video montage's of Michael and the Jackson 5, I realized I had done him no justice. My son was mesmerized by Michael. He stayed up all night watching videos. Waking me up to ask me if I knew that Thriller was a "movie-mini". Yes, son. Waking me up again to tell me Man in the Mirror-a longtime favorite song of his-was on because he had never seen the video. Yes, son. Waking me up to tell me he had rewound the Heal the World performance and put it on the DVR and now knew the harmony. Good for you, son. Waking me up again to say "Michael Jackson was a handsome young man but look at JANET JACKSON in this video". Yes, son. And one last time before I went to bed to let me know "Michael really did bridge the gap for a lot of styles of music, Mommy". Yes, son. Still in this day and age, Michael is still magic to a generation in the making. He is the soundtrack to many generations...he is the theme music for HOPE.

It didn't hit me until I watched my son rocking back and forth to Man in the Mirror, and he looked at me with his big brown eyes and said "Mommy, he knew a little change in some of us could make a big change for all of us". And that's when the tears came. My nine year old, always speaking so plainly but always speaking something I need to hear. I'm always so thankful that it seems his voice is the voice of MY reason, MY blessings, what needs to be the reflection in MY mirror.

When he asked me what Michael did wrong, I had no desire and felt it unnecessary to explain the details to him. I told him that in my heart, I know Michael Jackson would never hurt a child. I do believe he did some things that were inappropriate for an adult to do-but not maliciously. I asked him if he could imagine a life where he couldn't go to school, couldn't play sports, couldn't do ANYTHING but make sure EVERYTHING he did was to please the millions of eyes on him. Most of us can't do right only in the eyes of God...could we be responsible for nations?? As I listen to Michael's pleas to help children around the world, to make ways to end suffering, it just breaks my heart that he couldn't save the child suffering the most-himself.

What Michael Jackson did for music will never, ever be achieved by another musician alive today-that's what I believe. He was not just an okay singer that could dance...he was not just a pretty face that could kind of carry a note, but had enough drama to create a little star power...he was not just a wanna-be artist who had mastered a computer program and could manipulate other people's songs to make it kind of his own. He was an ARTIST. A complete ARTIST. I think the biggest tragedy is that the events of his life prevented him from working with any other artist to share that talent, that vision, that MAGIC.

But his biggest accomplishment is how much he gave. I can't even comprehend the amount of love and compassion he poured out from his heart to help so many people. He set a shining example for so many people. The reminder of the example that he set for other artists, people, philanthropists, and others just makes me feel like I didn't appreciate him enough when he was here. Even if I was never to meet him-he should have been held up as a higher example.

Watching his memorial made me laugh, cry, and remember how his songs touched my life. And then I think if it touched my life like that-I can only imagine what he has done for other people. Watching his daughter extend her love to her father made me remember that we are all capable of doing so much more than we do-there are just very few of us who are willing to put ourselves out there to maximize our potential.

Listening to his music today makes me feel like I loved his music because of him, and I loved the songs because of him, but they never truly penetrated my heart, my mind, and my soul as a trinity. I am looking in my mirror, and I know that's where the change has to start.

"A little change in some of us could make a big change for all of us"
It's not the first time my son has said this...it's just the first time I really heard him.

One of the first songs I taught my son to harmonize to was "You are not alone".


And I'm not.

The Things I Will Never Do...Again.

Recently, I have found that it is interesting, sometimes liberating-sometimes suffocating, but interesting to look at your own life with renewed perspective. Looking back on the past few months, I'm just amazed at the roller coaster of emotions I've been on, but this reflection isn't bad. I feel like I've been on this ride before, but now I'm riding with my seatbelt on expecting the ups and downs instead of holding on for dear life hoping that I don't fall out.



It's hard to wrap my head around all the thoughts and put them together cohesively because there's so much. It's amazing how much breadth and freedom PEACE gives to you. There was a time when I wouldn't have been able to process barely one thing at a time because every piece of me was in turmoil. And now I understsand-PEACE that surpasses all understanding. How thankful I am that every single unexpected turn now invokes a smile and a "Thank you Jesus", instead of tears and terror. How thankful I am that every obstacle that comes my way makes me glow because I'm amazed that God is still yet making me better. And when I make mistakes now, instead of pretending like I don't know better or don't care-I feel the error right away. I am only human-but I am so much more in tune with ME.



Now on the subject of mistakes-I've made a couple that I'm not necessarily proud of, not necessarily sorry for, and not completely sure if I should consider them mistakes, personal weakness, or....??? What I can say, is that I am so proud of myself for letting myself FEEL. For working through my feelings and doing what's good for ME, doing what makes ME feel good, looking at myself in the mirror and saying "YOU DESERVE THE WORLD and it's YOURS FOR THE TAKING!"



**Sidenote**If we don't talk often, you might be confused by the names we have assigned to these men-and also-I want all my single women to get in on the nicknaming convention me and my BFF's have taken up-it's so much more fun!**



True enough, about a month ago I was absolutely conflicted with how to feel. Mr. Special Agent IS perfect, he's everything I could ever want, ask, and hope for. But he's not HERE. How can I hold on to a relationship that may or may not happen? How can I commit myself to someone that is not even sure what the next steps are in his life? Why am I trying to do that anyway? My feelings stand as they are. I think he is absolutely amazing, I stand by that. But so am I. We have talked about taking the next steps but what I realized is that it is in my nature to make it so easy for them, to do what I can to show that I'm in it 100%. I take five steps forward and just hold my hand back waiting for that person to grasp it so I can help them along. I can't do that anymore. I let him know where I STAND. I'm not moving forward without him, I'm not going anywhere. I'm HERE. And if here is where he wants to be-he can take the steps. I've shown him where my heart is, I've shown him who I am, I've shown him what he can have and that is all I will do. No more trying to figure out what I can do to be more, I'm all I NEED to be. He is amazing, but so am I. It will happen anyway that it will happen. I am here and willing. What more can I do? I've done enough. I think we could be great together, but I'm just not going to spend any more time wondering, hoping, wishing-it is what it is. It will be what it will be. I'm HERE.



So it seems that when you move on all your ex's seem to want to move in because you are "The best thing that ever happened to them". Well, guess what? I knew that when you LEFT ME. I can look back and remember when each one used to leave an imprint on what I thought was my heart, but it was really my pride. The constant questions of WHY did he do this...WHY did he do that. I realized a long time ago that no matter what someone's explanation was, it will NEVER be good enough for your heart. I had to learn that forgiveness comes from inside. Forgiveness is when you don't need an explanation, you don't need an apology, you don't need anything from that person and you don't wish harm upon them. Probably for most women the hardest thing to deal with is when a man cheats on you because you want to know what SHE had that you don't. It doesn't matter. In a lot of relationships, I would ask this question but then look at myself and realize I was only getting exactly what I was giving. And in the last with Anthony (he doesn't get a nickname, doesn't deserve any thought!), I was so shocked because I hadn't given him ANY of that. I had never done anything. My constant questions of "What else could I have done" quickly turned into realizing that it was HIM that was broken not ME, and that his exit in my life was timely, necessary, and the BEST thing for ME.



A couple weeks ago I got a visit from Mr. Physics. I don't count Mr. Physics as an ex, because he was never that special to me. I know it sounds harsh, but that's real. He is a great friend to me, we have many things in common, but to his dismay-what we don't share is a mutual affection for each other. To be blunt, Mr. Physics had nothing to offer me but friendship and his body. Because he is such a good person, somewhere along the way I just didn't feel right about this since his feelings were real. We hung out from time to time, but I stopped the physical relationship because I didn't want to lead him on to think it could go somewhere else. He is gorgeous, he is well educated, he is a spiritual man, he is a GREAT catch-but he just does not do it for me. Coincidentally, Mr. Physics and Mr. Special Agent LOOK like they could be twins. They drive similar cars, they have quite different paths but have achieved similar goals, and on an amazing scale-I'd have to put them about equal. Somehow, I thought that we were good enough friends that I could share this with him. Not so. I had shared with him a couple details from my trip and I hadn't talked to him after that but I thought nothing of it, because we don't talk that often. So, after getting home from a night out with friends there was a knock on my door. I really thought it was my friends coming back because they had forgot something. Nope. Big as day, Mr. Physics with some things he needed to get off his chest. Now listen, I'm in NO WAYS interested in leading someone on, and I've told him this TIME AND TIME again. He wanted me to hear him out...and allllllllllllll the alcohol I'd consumed had different plans. I'm not proud of this. This went back to Pimpin' 101.

"I never meant to make you feel that way"

"I didn't want to hurt you, I just was scared"

"Well, yeah we can try-what kind of cologne is that?"

"OF COURSE I love/d you"

...

...

...

"Come upstairs and tell me"

Mr. Physics is not stupid, and he was not amused that I was trying to take advantage of the situation. He called me on it, AS HE SHOULD HAVE. But then wanted me to think about our situation. His argument was that I didn't have to go way out to Mr. Special Agent, when he is right HERE. But how many times do I have to tell him I don't WANT him here?

Why do we beg someone to want us when we think they should? Maybe the whole "relationship" between Mr. Physics and I bothers me because I KNOW I have done this. I know I have compared myself to someone else and said, BUT YOU CAN HAVE ME! Never again. I never meant to hurt him, but I just want to scream at him that if I can't appreciate who he is, FIND SOMEONE THAT DOES! I'm not going to beg someone to see who I am, if they can't see me for me and appreciate that-I can't make them see it. Time to move on.

I will never do that...again.

As they come out of the woodwork, I see so many things that I accepted and gave passes for that now...are just NOT ok.

So many things to never do again...

To be continued...

The Simplicity Detox

It's not that I haven't been writing...it's that I haven't taken the time to finish the entries that I've started. Sometimes when life is pushing you along, it's hard to take a moment to reflect on where you've been because you got here so fast!

Things have been good for me. The weight loss is going well, although it is now turning into more size loss and I have been getting a little aggravated with a pound or two gained, but I also started toning a lot more-so the solution is to stay off the scale and just stay focused!!

I'm running an impossible schedule right now. The boy has a full docket every DAY. Trying to manage that AND my life would seem to be unmanageable-but we don't speak that, we just do the impossible, thank God for the ability and keep it moving!

I feel so FREE. I've taken on the task of cleaning up the last of these debts that for so long I let anger me because they are not MINE, but from being taken advantage of in a relationship. And the more I learn about myself, about God, and about life-I realize that in some way these debts are mine-I WILL be responsible for the choices I make, and I will pay in one way or another. So, I have promised God and myself that I will pay for them. I went to a financial seminar so that I would be able assist in providing the classes at my church, but I was so blessed by the presentation. Confirmation from God that I am indeed on the right track, and from my calculations and Dave's plan, I should be debt free in about 10-14 months! YES!!

And, much to my own dismay-I have met somebody. I didn't plan for this to happen at all. In my own plan-I was going to be single for an undefined amount of time and just love on me for a while. Not that I don't know how to do it...I just enjoy being by myself. To me, I had learned so much from this relationship-I had gained so much MORE for myself. I'm not mad at him, I don't hate HIM, I just don't respect what he did or the person he showed me at ALL. But why would I be upset about that? I loved him the way you should love somebody you plan on spending the rest of your life with. I'm not sorry for any thing, any moment, any part of me that I gave him because I gave it in love. I did not give it without being able to truly give-I gave to him BECAUSE I am whole...and whatever he took from me-I am STILL whole. His exit from my life didn't change me, it made me realize how much better I am. I did ask God to make me the woman I needed to be for my husband, I did ask God to make me whole to be a good wife-and God showed me that he did that-and he also showed me that the husband I thought was mine was not for me at all. And I'm not mad. I am glad he showed me everything he did in order, and I am glad that if nothing else-God showed me that I should and CAN trust myself if I am trusting in HIM like I am supposed to. I'm thankful for that. There is nothing to be bitter about. I did not lose a thing that takes away from who I am. I lost 230 pounds of confusion, and I don't want it back.

Best Detox EVER. Thank you LORD for cleansing my soul.

However, this is not the simplicity detox I speak of.

I met the Mr. Sir through a mutual friend. We started chatting on Facebook (yes it's overtaking my life as well) and then it moved on to texting and phone conversation. We hit it off pretty much instantly. Because I am who I am, I thought maybe I just like him because I'm rebounding...I know myself better than that. I just learned that I could really trust myself, right? He doesn't live near me, so the only thing we can do is talk. I'm actually kind of glad, because when you get in someone's face-well at least when I do-if there is an attraction there, I'll act on it. Whether it be too soon or not, I'm grown. Doesn't matter. However, I've also made a vow that I was going to take better care of MY temple and act the way I am supposed to. So again, I am not perfect and definitely NOT a survivor of my own flesh-I'm glad he's long distance.

Over the phone, he seemed perfect. A man telling me things that makes it seem like he has sense doesn't mean to ME that he has good sense. It means he has good enough sense to say the things he should. Our conversations were deep. He had no fear to ask me the things he wanted to know, and I have nothing to hide-so his questions got answered. Now, I started talking to him like two weeks after the break up, but I have to tell you-there are no lingering feelings. I was just as done then as I am now. The issue was not that I still had feelings for my ex, just that I thought this might be happening way too soon. He is so different. With the ex, I would ALWAYS say he didn't care about what I did. And somehow, I let that be okay with me when it is so clearly NOT. So, now I had a man who would ask me about what I did and come back the next day asking questions after he had researched my company, projects I might be working on, things I might be interested in. Different. Being a scholar himself with a M.A. in Psychology, he challenged me to learn more about things I didn't know much about and I found we were going back and forth on an intellectual level that I really had only experienced with close friends or the peers I deem to be "as nerdy" as me. This was very refreshing!!

Somewhere along the way, naturally we started talking about meeting in person. We became friends very quickly. Conversation was easy...the thing that bothered me was that it was thoughts Mr. Sir that overtook thoughts of the ex, so in my mind-I was maybe just using one to get over the other. One day Mr. Sir posed the question "Do you think we will hit it off when we meet?" Of course! Why wouldn't he? He constantly had me laughing, always had me smiling, and I couldn't wait to talk to him more and more with every day just to see what he would be wanting to talk about next. He said, "Well you should be mines then". Being the person I am, I told him that if he ever asked that question in real life, he better NOT say "mines" and that I could not agree to that because we had never met. That's weird! So he said, okay-I'll be there next week. I was shocked! I told him my schedule is impossible and I'd be busy. And really-I might be ready to move on-but I told him there is NO WAY he could meet my son now. It's too early-too confusing. I already feel bad enough about bringing the ex into his life, PERIOD.

And then he opened up my mind to the simplicity I had been dealing with probably all my life and motivated me to do this detox.

His spiel went kind of like this:

OHHHHHHHHHHH, I see you are used to dealing with simple ass
minded negroes The kind that blow your back out 15 times
and in a month or so you are asking yourself "Where do we stand?", "What are we
doing?" because you never set any boundaries. Then you talk yourself into
thinking you have to know about him and he needs to know about you-and a S.A.N.
would use the things in your past to hold against you because his simple ass is
still trying to do what he wants to do. A REAL MAN could care less about
your damn past.

He went on to say:

I think you're an AMAZING woman and what you have been through in the past
makes you who YOU are, so at the end of the day I will just think MORE highly of
you if that's possible BECAUSE of what you've been through. A REAL
MAN knows enough to know-this woman is amazing-I know she's what I'm looking for
and I DARE NOT disrespect her and try to do any of these things we speak of
OUTSIDE of a relationship because I respect the woman that she is and she
deserves more than just to be a piece of ass.

I was absolutely speechless. And I was ten shades of stupid darker,
and ten pounds of clarity lighter...

And in my silence he continued on:

OR...maybe you're used to the S.A.N. that at some point agrees to be with you
but spends years trying to make sure there's nothing better out there, all the
while missing out on how the two of you could be growing together and missing
out on the little things about you everyday that he COULD be learning-but
instead uses simple ass excuses to make you feel bad about
YOURSELF. A REAL MAN doesn't need a time stipulation because a real
man knows enough about the simple bytches he's been with to know what he doesn't
want. Just like women, a man knows very quickly what his intentions
are with a certain woman or what they could be-just a real man acts on it NOW
rather than later realizing that if he hasn't found what he's looking for he's
REAL ENOUGH to let her go.

The only response I could utter is that it was just too soon. Somehow I thought this would end the open-handed slaps to my face that I had always known but never heard verbalized in my own reality.

And in response:

OHHHHHHHHHH...so you thought you found what you wanted in a man right? I
agree-so now that he messed up does that all change? Or, do you just
realize that what you thought you saw was what you wanted to see and instead of
handing out "it's okay to be simple" passes, you find a real man that doesn't
NEED a pass because he IS that man. So being alone for a certain period of
time will allow for you to find that man.

He said:

You're absolutely right...they hand out a timeline for when a woman is ready.

Can I plead the fifth here?? Can this guy SHUTUP? Or can he apologize for not saying out loud what I knew but needed to hear YEARS ago. I told him I was tired, wanted to get off the phone.

I didn't get off that easy.

Don't get mad at ME. I'm a real man. You're a smart,
educated, focused woman with goals-I guess I just assumed that you knew and were
smart enough to know that you deserve somebody that appreciates you for who you
are and wants nothing more than to explore your entire mind to find out
everything he can about you because you are just that special and you don't have
to do a thing for anybody to see that.

Maybe I'm too complex for you. Cause all those s.a.n.'s-I bet you
thought you knew them better than they knew themself. You felt like ya'll
were close and you "got him". How hard is it to understand someone
one step up from a single cell life form. Hell yeah you knew that
knukka...they read like Dr. Seuss!!

Then went on to ask if next week was too soon, because he wasn't trying to let me go. Then said:

Oh, wait-what are you waiting for me say...Aw girl...I don't have no money.
can you buy me a ticket? Or-my funds ain't right right now...let me
see what I can do. NOPE. I can come get in your face or you can
come get in mine-but we will be face to face. I might not be the
right man for you, but if I'm not I hope you find the GOOD REAL man that is
because if I don't deserve you, you definitely deserve a great man that matches
who YOU are. I don't want to take anything from you, I want us to be
able to add TO each other.

Later on at some point-his concern was that I had not necessarily told my son that things between me and the ex are over. My son is very in tune with me, and although I had not laid it out in black in white-I'm pretty sure he's aware of what happened.

Mr. Sir then asked me if the ex wanted children. I told him that he was very bitter about HIS ex having a baby by someone else, and that he had told me at one time that he would rather experience having a child with someone who was having their first child too. I then said "But that changed..."

He interrupted me and asked if I was serious. Asked a question that gets under my skin more than I had ever known "You're smart, right?" I was obviously offended and asked why the question?! He said that him taking that statement back was like somebody saying something when they're drunk, then saying they don't mean it when everybody knows they do!! He asked if for one second I thought that if I had another child if that child wouldn't take priority over mine. He asked how could I be serious about letting a S.A.N. with BABY ENVY raise my child. Mr. Sir made it very plain to me in the beginning that if my child was 5 or under he could not be bothered because he's not a fan of small children. He said that he would do much better with an older child, but wanting children to him doesn't mean having a brand new baby. He said if that is the situation he is in with me or ANY woman, he would want to not be viewed as "the mother's husband/boyfriend". He said he could not live in a situation where he was not being the best father he could be to the child of the woman he loved-that loving her would mean loving him, and being a father would mean being a father to that child FIRST before planning for any other.

Again...no words.

It's not that anything he said is not what us "girls" have been telling each other for years after we get through our own experiences. Why it was so different to hear it from a man, I don't know. Or maybe, it was just the right time for me to receive it. This man didn't know as much about me as others and could stand up and say I'm amazing and is willing to bet that what I've been through has made me who I am. It's what I've been screaming from the inside out to deaf ears for so many years. It made him seem too good to be true. It made me mad instead of being flattered that somebody held me in such high regard. It made me realize that I've been ingesting a whole LOT of simple for way too long and it was time to let it GO.

So, to my relief, I had already detoxed the SIMPLENESS out of my life, but in retrospect it made me sick to realize how much of it I had taken. It's all done now. I am who I am because of what I've been through.

I have promised myself to not let simple rules RULE my life and to let life flow as it comes. Knowing that in tough times I will be strong, that in good times I will be thankful, and in all times I will remain faithful.

I don't know where things will go, but I'm not going to try to plan it, I'm going to let go and see where it takes me. I'm going to stop looking back and trying to remember when I enjoyed the ride and start enjoying the ride and just holding on when it gets bumpy.

I'm going to stop settling for people who think I need to prove myself to them and know that people of a like mind, and a likeNESS to who I am will see it without being told.

I'm going to detox the simplicity of other people out of my life and never let it back in. Much like dieting, it's a lifestyle change.

Simplicity Detox...The only miracle diet where you gain so much with the loss of what ends up really being so little.

Moving UP

I had an interesting weekend, to say the least. I'm in a good place right now. I really am. I really thank God for this clarity that I have. I feel so blessed for everything he has put me through in order to show me how blessed I really am.

I had the pleasure of meeting a young girl on Friday night. I'm not easily moved or shocked by things that people have to say about their life, but this girl's story punched me in the heart like never before. She is nineteen years old, married with a two year old son. She is a military wife. She is a recovering addict. She is a victim, struggling to be a survivor. Abandoned at age 14 by her father, handed her social security card and birth certificate and told "Good Luck". She was homeless for years. She talked about how she stole food to eat, how she sold things to have a place to stay or sleep, how she survived hypothermia and managed to stay alive while sleeping in parks, under bridges, anywhere she could find. And as if being abandoned by her father wasn't enough, her mother also abandoned her in the desert of California with a newborn baby, her first child. She talked about how she was coming off of the drugs and probably wasn't far from people but was scared to lose her baby and not in her right mind. She got teary eyed as she explained how she would try to feed the baby and keep it alive-until she realized that the child had died in her arms.

She went back to her hometown and found a friend who's family took her in. She is a talented artist and poet, but doesn't have the confidence to pursue those interests anymore since her father, an artist and illustrator, told her everything she did was terrible. She said "I just want to put my past into a box and put it away, and never open it again. I'm trying to move on."

Her words don't seem that moving-but it hurt me that she said that, and something moved inside of me. I said "But it's who you are. All those things are what make you who you are. It's not part of your weakness, it's the foundation for all of your strength!" And I was moved again-because those words didn't come from me. As they came out of my mouth, the power of those words touched me too. And I realized quickly it was NOT me, it was the CHRIST that is IN me. Now, I am convicted about my own faith and have no problem expressing my beliefs...but I'm not really big on telling people how to have that conviction in their own walk. Who am I? But knowing that he was with me, I asked her "Do you pray?" She looked away. She said she was trying to get all her emotions out by talking to the therapists that are assigned to her in the program she is currently completing to stay clean and to keep custody of her child. I asked her again "Do you pray?". She said "I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. You can't believe the things I've done. I'm ashamed to even tell you or anybody...I believe God has a purpose for my life because as many times as I've overdosed, or had alcohol poisoning, or almost been raped or killed...I shouldn't be here. I can't pray. God has done too much for me."

Her green eyes searched me for a moment of shock, judgment, disbelief...something. But I was not shocked, I had no judgment about her, and I didn't doubt a thing she said. Without even flinching, without even blinking, without even wavering I said to her, "God has blessed you. He is going to continue to bless you. He loves you, and all he wants you to do is believe that he will take care of you."

Her green eyes searched me still, but now inquisitively-not challenging me. I said, "Although your story is sad, you are not the only person that has gone through the things you have gone through. It's hard because it is YOU. If God didn't love you, if he didn't know YOUR heart-he would have left you a long time ago."

She told me that she tries to open up and express her feelings, but it is hard because she has trust issues. She said that she can't talk to the therapists because she feels like they are only there because they have to be. And I shared with her the positive side of that. That she doesn't HAVE to worry about what they think of her, that they are there to explain her feelings without anything personal invested. That them HAVING to be there should make her feel better about opening up to them, because they expect nothing in return. Just for you to make YOURSELF better. She hadn't thought of it this way, I could see it in her eyes.

She said that she doesn't want to keep her parents away from her child, because she wants them to know him. She said they are both clean, but she has anger and trust issues with them still. I was amazed at her courage. To be treated like that by both parents, I had assumed they were no longer in contact with each other. I told her I could not imagine being that brave or that strong. I told her that her willingness to believe that they have changed and give them a second chance shows she is much further along in her progress than she gives herself credit for. And with all people in our life that we have issues with, we have a right to tell them how they have hurt us. We just have to be realistic about what our expectations are about how they react. I told her she has a right to tell them how she feels, but one of two things will happen. One, they will not realize the ways in which they have hurt you. This will start a new process with them where they will have questions too. Or two, they just won't see it your way-and to them nothing needs to change. In both situations, you have to be prepared for that person to also tell YOU how you have hurt them-and your reaction will be the same of the two options. But then after that-we have to let it go, and not move ON, but move UPWARD.

As the words were coming out of my mouth, I was holding back tears. I was so full, so happy that God was using me as his vessel. These words were not my words, because as they came out of my mouth they touched my heart too. I told her that too often we give people so much of our energy because of the position that they play in our lives. That too often we allow ourselves to be persecuted because we have told ourselves that that person has a right to make us feel that way. Too often we care so much about the judgments that other people make on us, when in reality-as long as we are still being blessed-we know that yes, our God will hold us accountable but even in the midst of our judgment-he is blessing us anyhow. We can not expect people to be this good to us, so why do we try? Why do we try to just move on with the burdens that are unnecessarily placed on us by other people still drag behind us and slow our progress. Why is that we are only trying to move on at the same level that we've been, instead of moving UPWARD? Why is it that when God shows us plainly what the unnecessary burdens are in our life, we continuously try to bear them instead of handing them to God and letting HIM handle his own children so that we can move UPWARD?

And as I said this to her, I had a picture in my head. Unloading a bag of hurt; unloading a bag of unnecessary reflection of the things that hurt me; unloading the people that have shown me that they don't deserve my time, love, attention, or affection; unloading all the things in my past that weigh me down, but allowing the blessings that came out in the midst, the strength that I gained, the endurance that I showed, and the love that I still have to get under my feet and lift me up instead of carrying it on my shoulders and letting it weigh me down.

And in my picture, as I moved upward I kept telling myself "Don't look down". I can't look down. If I have in fact left anything or anyone beneath me, I don't have to look down. God will raise them UP. And as I look around at the people in my life who are around me now, I see that they didn't look down for me...they just extended an arm and lifted me up when I needed it most. Because God had already raised me up, but I let the cares of this world and what I thought were the problems of my life weigh me down unnecessarily.

And just for confirmation, the message Sunday came from 1 Corinthians 10: 11-13.

11These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come. 12So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! 13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.


How many times did I feel like I had been through things to help somebody? How many times did I say "I know what you're going through, I've been there!"?? And I was right. God put's people in our lives to show us that we aren't going through anything that hasn't already tempted somebody else. It is just up to us to see that as a blessing and unload that burden and move upward...or try to unnecessarily carry it and move on wth no progress and the only thing to show is the scars from the same burdens you choose to carry and not let go of.

I think it's my mind telling me I should still be hurt by what has happened. But I'm not. I didn't do anything wrong. And if I truly left something that God had in store for me, he certainly doesn't want me to wait around for it-because that time I spend trying to figure out why I have lost something is time taken away from Thanking GOD for all he has blessed me with! He has bigger plans for me. And while I try my best to just rise UP to do what God has for me to do, the things that I need he will rise them up to meet me where I'm at.

I have got to move up.

No looking down.

I am moving up.

Thank you, God.

Settling is for Pilgrims

Undoubtedly, I have been emotionally drained with the events in my personal life as of late. This break up has taken more out of me than I'd like to admit. I'm not sure that it gets easier, I believe it is just that in hindsight more things become clear to me which pave the way to me attaining the highest levels of pissed off-ness when I realize the bull crap I settled for.

Now, one of the things that I discussed in one of my earlier posts was how I basically crossed some folks off of my friends list because they happened to be ex-boyfriends and my then BOYfriend was not comfortable with those friendships. Some of them, I do honestly feel bad about not talking to them anymore. And their level of friendship to ME has been apparent in the way they have supported me and been there for me during this time AS friends.

So I thought.

I mean yes, there are friendships there. But I have learned a couple things about them and about me.

First of all, I was an asshole. I mean straight up-no holds barred, surprised I didn't get slapped-ASSHOLE. I've had to lay down some real deal apologies for the way I used to be. Although I don't want to...let me just lay out some transcripts of chat/text. I'll explain the context later.


Him: You said you were not ever going to get married. What happened?
Me: Things change. I fell in love.
Him: There wasn't love between us?
Me: Are you serious? I mean, it was completely physical. Don't play
Him: Physical to who?
Me: What else did we do?
Him: Who's choice was that?
Me: Are we really playing this game right now? I shouldn't have asked you anything
Him: I just don't understand you right now. This is not the Monica I know. When did you start letting a n!gg@ bring you down and get the best of you. That's not the Monica I know. Get your head up
Me: This is different for me too. But thank you for your encouragement
Him: You never needed encouragement before! Just cause your dram n!gg@ turned out to be a BITCH n!gg@ doesn't mean you should feel bad. His ass is stupid. You didn't do anything wrong.
Me: Really? Cause I think I'm the one alone and he's the one living it up with some married chick.
Him: I don't even know that dude, but I can tell you you were too much for him to handle. N!gg@s got faithful problems. You are a confident woman and can't nobody tell you shit. That's hard for a simple ass mind to handle. You are not the jealous type, you don't trip about hardly nothing, and you don't need nobody for shit. Some people like to feel needed. You don't believe in that. Don't you say all the time, it's not healthy to need somebody?
Me: Yep.
Him: Ok then. All the chicks you showed me that he dealt with and even this new chick-you can look at them and tell they got insecurity issues. So a n!gg@ with faithful problems and a ho with insecurity issues. Perfect match. He ain't for you. Don't know what to do with you. Probably not that many men do. Shit, I didn't.
Me: Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Him: Being with him going to make you feel better.
Me: Not at all. I love him, but I have supported that man like I already WAS his wife, he wants somebody else's wife
Him: OK then.
Him: You loved him?
Me: No I love him. That's not going to change over night. I just know what I won't accept. How many times do you have to get cheated on before you get tired of it? Hell, I'm tired of it! I know I've forgiven a lot worse than this-but I won't settle for that crap ever again.
Him: So you'll never take him back
Me: Not the way he is now, no.
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Everybody and Anybody can change. He wants to get his life right, I respect that.
Him: You think I have changed?
Me: I think you could change if you wanted to
Him: So I haven't changed?
Me: have you?
Him: In some ways. One thing hasnt changed
Him: I still love you
Him: Hello?
Me: yeah
Him: You don't have anything to say?
Me: Um...no.
Him: So there's no feelings between us
Me: I told you, I felt bad for just ignoring you. I mean, we are friends right?
Him: You never saw a future for us?
Me: Are you serious right now?
Him: Yes
Me: Honestly, No. We both did what we wanted to do. You STILL do what you want to do. That's fine. That's what you do. That's what you've always done.
Him: You are something else
Me: So I've been told
Him: No for real. your an asshole
Me: WOW. Takes a great one to know a good one
Him: I'm being serious
Him: You sitting up crying over some bitch ass who couldn't appreciate a good woman and isn't man enough to handle a woman willing to support his sorry ass while he tried to make something of himself. You sit up here and tell me that he's changing his life and if he does that you would take him back. But I got to be the same n!gga@ I always been? I always loved you. I always will. I didn't propose to you because I thought that shit was fun. I wanted to marry you. I can provide a fuckin life for you. I can support YOU. I want to give you everything you want. and how many times did I propose. You never thought I was serious.
Me: The first time you "proposed" your ass was married. The second time...you were drunk
Him: I ain't never been that fuckin drunk. What about the other times
Me: What other times?
Him: you serious?
Me: Are you? How did we even get here? I'm not trying to rehash this out with you. It was what it WAS. Nothing more, maybe less!
Him: So you didn't love me
Me: Um...in a dysfunctional kind of way I did.
Him: Wow
Me: How did you figure you wanted to marry me? You don't know shit about me, really. I mean let's be real since you want to get nasty about it.
Him: I do know about you. Because I cared enough to pay attention. If I asked you you always aid you know I don't like to be questioned right. you remember that
Me: Um...well, sounds like something I would say.
Him: And how many times were we at a masonic function and I'd try to talk to you in front of your dad and the other pm's and all them after I had told them about my girl and you walked right past me like you didnt know me. thats some fucked up shit Monica for real
Me: I was not ever your girlfriend.
Him: That's what you say
Me: Um, okay
Me: How many other girlfriends did you have?
Him: We always have to come back to that shit huh?
Me: That's how it was
Him: When I left it was
Me: Ok
Him: What about when I left. Did you ask me to stay? NO you told me it was better so you could move on. But I guess what we had was just physical to you right?
Me: Well, it sounds ugly when you say it like that-but don't pretend that's not what it was
Him: That's what it was to you, I'd take you any way I could get you
Me: That's stupid
Him: Why?
Me: Why would you take what you could get and not ask for what you wanted?
Him: Oh I'm stupid but that's the same shit you been doing for all these years with this little bitch ass running after a dream and not doing shit for you
Me: He's not running after a dream, he will make it
Him: You STILL taking up for this punk
Me: Um-seriously does he have to be all those names. I'm not happy with him...but it doesn't mean I believe in what he's doing any less. I'm not sorry for what I did for him because I did it because I love him and didn't expect nor will I ever expect anything in return. However, lying to me and cheating on me is not something I will ever again be ok with. It doesn't make him a bad person, he messed up. I will forgive him-I just don't right now and that forgiveness doesn't mean I'll take him back.
Him: You forgive him and you still supporting his ass but he ain't thinking about you. If he cared he couldn't have done this shit to you
Me: Ok, that's what you believe that's fine
Him: And how come I can't have a chance like that?
Me: We just weren't like that
Him: Why can't we be?
Me: what?
Him: I never did anything like that to you. Why can't I have a second chance.
Me: You want a second chance?
Him: Yes
Me: Are you serious right now?
Him: Why not? I don't want you to hurt.
Me: You gonna love me out of the hurt?
Him: I want to try
Me: Um...I hope you are kidding. I hope you are not serious right now
Him: why?
Me: I have told you, been telling you that YES I am hurt-but I love that man! It's not going to go away over night! I'm not sitting around waiting for him, but I do not play with people's emotions like that. Why would I move on with you? And WHY would you accept that
Him: If I could have you, I don't care
Me: Listen, I am not, nor should any person EVER be special enough for you to settle for some bullshit.
Him: You settled with him
Me: EXACTLY! See how that turned out?!
Him: So?


And I will end it there. I copied and pasted this right from my archive...just substituting the "him" and "me". This conversation left me dumbfounded. I mean REALLY.

First of all...it's not a nice feeling for somebody to point out how ugly you have acted. I'm not proud that I basically used somebody for his body. I'm also not real fond of the fact that he felt a certain way, and for all these years I had convinced myself it was only physical to find out that that was my choice and my doing. We had had other conversations where things like this came out-and I had to really apologize for hurting him. I mean, I knew how to play the game. Now, I really did care about him and at some point maybe thought I wanted more, but based on how the relationship started (he was going through a divorce...but still married in my book) I never felt like I could trust him. Hmmm...sounds like a familiar situation in somebody ELSE'S life, eh?

The part that really puzzles me was the idea that now was a good time for us to try to get together? Now, this man has laid down some good thoughts for me on why Anthony has done what he has done...and I'm not stupid...I know he's not an impartial source, but he knows more about me and how I am. A lot of the things he has said have made sense to me, and I know that he's probably not 100% correct, but it has given me some things to think about. This is a well put together man with an established career, doing very well for himself. So why on EARTH would you put yourself into a situation where you already know the other person is not in it?

Because you love them.

All those guilty? AYE!

I realize this is the SAME thing I did with A/S. When we got back together, he was just getting out of a relationship. And I kept telling him over and over again, you are NOT over her. I knew he didn't want to get back with her, but I kept telling him he needed to resolve that anger or it would stay with him until he started recognizing things about other people that DON'T exist just because he had not resolved those feelings.

I guess if I was simple, I would be flattered. I'm not.

People do that because they are selfish. Because they want somebody to love them when they can't love themself because they think it will help them come around. NOBODY loves me like I love me. NOBODY deserves MY love more than me.

I love him and what he did hurts. ABSOLUTELY. But I am so much more than just somebody's girlfriend/future wife. One time he told me he felt like he was stopping me from doing what I wanted to do, then it was I had already done everything I wanted to do. And I corrected him everytime. Nobody can stop me but ME, and even when I've done what I wanted to do...I still have plans to move onward and upward!!

Why do people settle? Because they want to. More and more that seems to be the answer to many of lifes questions. We all want what we want, but it seems we are scared to go after what we deserve.

I think that man is a phenomenal man. I think he knows a lot more than I ever gave him credit for, and I have a lot to learn from him now that I have opened my eyes to see him for who he really is and what he has to offer. But all that I can offer him is friendship and he honestly shouldn't be willing to settle for less than he deserves.

Selfishly, I could take his affection and companionship to make myself feel better. People do it all the time, but that is SO not me. The day I start needing somebody else besides JESUS to help me feel better, is the day I need to stand in the mirror a moment longer and figure out what to do with myself, for myself, and about myself.

Settling is for pilgrims.

The only pilgrimage anybody should take is the journey to find a better self. That settlement should be alone.

Settling is for pilgrims.

So for all the people coming with covered wagons full of issues and past hurt...I'll have to wave them on to a different land.

I'm not a pilgrim.
No more settling.

Mean what you say!

While walking around the lake yesterday, I had an "experience" I guess I will call it.

Let me first explain the scenario. The lake is in a central area of town. The scenery is beautiful, as are most places in this area. However, it would be considered to be in a part of town where "questionable" activities often take place. I think I go to the lake because it gives me some rest from the chaos in my own head. Sometimes I laugh at what I see, sometimes I'm touched by what I see, but I'm almost always amused.

Everyday, there is a group of men who have gathered at the lake with their coolers at hand and bicycles parked nearby. They sit on a picnic table located between two trees and they play dominoes. Now I often am at the lake at various times of the day, and without fail-they are there. I've often been envious of the simplicity that their day to day lives must entail. Just an outside observation.

Everyday, there are dozens of kids on the playground. Seems that now that school has started it's usually a daycare group or something of the sort. Mixed in will be parents with their children. Either watching them play, or sitting and reading while they play. The site of this is sweet to me...then it makes my stomach turn...but I always just walk past it with a smile on my face. Someday.

Everyday there are couples either walking around the lake or sitting by the lake. It often makes me sad...but then I just pray that they have the kind of love I had. And I pray they appreciate it. Nothing like not knowing the worth of something until it's gone.

And everyday, there is me. Walking that mile and a half and pondering whatever it is that is in and around my mind that day. It allows me to exert my restlessness, nervousness, anxiety, sadness and whatever else I may be feeling.

Often while walking around the lake you will either walk past somebody or cross paths with somebody going the other way. To be honest, I'm usually so lost in my thoughts they don't get any recognition from me at all. However, when it's one of "us", I usually nod my head or say "how you doing?" in rhetoric because that's what we do.

Yesterday I was walking along deep in thought. A man approached me, and as I said "How you doing" he at the same time said "Good day to you, my sister". And because he said it so loud and my words were soft, he didn't hear me. I kept walking. He must have stopped and turned around. He said "I SAID Good day to you! You can't speak?!!" I kept on walking. I don't have time for buffoonery. And a couple moments passed by and he screamed "F**K YOU!". I laughed out loud.

I actually needed that laugh, and actually I needed that dissection of my thoughts so that I had something new to think about. The lake is a circle, so I wondered if I would cross his path again. But I didn't. I thought about him while walking. YOu know, how silly would he feel if he had known I did acknowledge him? And regardless of if I did or not, was it necessary to curse at me because I didn't repay his greeting?

It reminded me of a certain e-mail I should have never read. It reminded me of exactly what I said about the person that read that. You know, we never know WHOSE path we are crossing. When we offer a greeting to someone in passing, they just may really need that greeting. Maybe that person is looking for someone to really reach out to them and a simple "hello" will give them that uplift that they need. So to me, it is very important to mean what you say. And say it not because you expect something back, but because you really mean it. If you really mean to wish somebody a good day-say it, mean it, and then keep it moving!!

What if I had been really down and out and that last EFF YOU put me over the edge. How would that person feel if they knew that two words had caused somebody to take drastic action?

In this "events" of my life as of late-this has been a topic that resurfaces in my head. Not necessarily just saying things, but also doing them. In my opinion it is important to do and say the things that you mean because you want to, not because you expect something in return. Because really-if you don't get the things you expect back-you will be mad at the other person, but for what really? Because they couldn't read your mind and know what you expected back? I mean, if you really say and do things because you WANT to, I just think you have to believe you will receive that blessing back somewhere-but if you do things from YOUR heart because YOU want to-you shouldn't expect anything. You should feel good about doing what YOU want to do.

I wasn't largely affected by the man's words. I try not to let words hurt me. It gave me a good laugh actually. If my failure to return his greeting ruined his day...oh well. He shouldn't have depended on me or anybody else to give him what he needs.

Mean what you say.

Mean what you do.

And know that at the end of the day, if you don't-that other person may or may not care.

If you MEAN it, it shouldn't matter.