I don't know if we ever stop and think about how powerful our minds really are. By measure, we know what we are capable of by the things we do, the things we have achieved, the things we aspire for. But that is the power of our brain. The power of our mind often takes us outside of ourselves and we let it somehow become the controlling factor in our opinion of ourself.
As of late, my problems have seemed so small. I have life, health, and my strength. Beyond that, who I am to ask for anything more? Only by God's grace and mercy am I blessed with the things that I don't deserve, but he gives them to me anyhow IN SPITE OF who I am. I have lost somebody out of my life-but not by death. By God showing me what I knew all along. And all this hurt around me, REAL hurt, REAL LOSS has made me feel so small. So selfish for feeling sorry for myself. So simple for letting my mind take power over my self worth.
But isn't it amazing how our true friends, and even friends we didn't know were in our corner don't let OUR mind overpower them?
I have been overwhelmed by the love and support from near and far. I have been so touched by the words of encouragement, the offers of support, the reassurance of who I AM from people that love me. Although my mind was working overtime and allowing me to be angry, hurt, sad, mad, and desperately searching my soul for the answers from the past that could help me in the present-the person that I AM wouldn't allow those people to watch me fail.
Is it sad that I had to be reminded how strong I am? Is it sad that I had to pull from other people's words, wisdom, and encouragement to get through each day? Or is it assurance for ME that I have surrounded myself by people who love me? Is it a sign for me to not allow one person who didn't appreciate me overshadow all the people who do? Is it a lesson for me to love those that are giving it back to me and not waste it on the people that don't know what to do with it?
Is it that these people have seen who I am, know how I've changed, and feel for what I'm going through ENOUGH that when I get down on myself, they re-introduce me to ME? Is it that I have been so richly blessed that even though my mind tells me I am being punished, God is still showing me the blessings around me and just waiting for me to see them? Is it that the people who are not around me shouldn't be, the people that leave from being with me are gone, and these people that love me stay with me to reassure my heart, my soul, and MY MIND that I really am who I thought I was, will continue to be who I dare to be, and will stand with me always, and pick me up when I fall?
All the little gems of advice that you thought you knew all along-but sure brightened up your day when it was handed back to you. What a blessing!
Today-I can't even really say that I'm still hurting. I guess to think about IT still hurts, but why think about it? I'm still here. Better than EVER. I didn't cheat, I didn't lie-I can still be proud of me for the woman that I learned that I am. I am still proud of what I accomplished. I still am a good woman-I just didn't find a GOOD man. And should I be sad? Or should I be thankful that he showed me who he was long before I got sucked into the miserable existence that is the life that he chooses to lead?
Today-I am better. I'm here. I am CLEAR. There is nothing in front of me, in back of me, around me, or through me that casts a shadow of any doubt on who I am. I don't have to lie, I don't have to hurt people, I don't have to hide inside myself in order to look at myself in the mirror. I have treated others the way I want to be treated...and even if they didn't give that back to me, I hope what I gave to THEM is the assurance that there is somebody out there that will love them with no conditions, no expectations, no judgement.
I stand strong. I made it through. I may have been hurt, but better to love and have lost than never to have loved at all. I loved somebody who didn't know how to be loved. That' s not my loss. I gave freely without expecting anything in return. That's not my loss.
I am who I am, but I just forgot who I was.
Nice to meet me again.
Nice to be me again.
It's nice to know that no matter what my mind says, I will not be allowed to be forgotten.
Hi Monica-glad you're back.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Settling is for Pilgrims
Undoubtedly, I have been emotionally drained with the events in my personal life as of late. This break up has taken more out of me than I'd like to admit. I'm not sure that it gets easier, I believe it is just that in hindsight more things become clear to me which pave the way to me attaining the highest levels of pissed off-ness when I realize the bull crap I settled for.
Now, one of the things that I discussed in one of my earlier posts was how I basically crossed some folks off of my friends list because they happened to be ex-boyfriends and my then BOYfriend was not comfortable with those friendships. Some of them, I do honestly feel bad about not talking to them anymore. And their level of friendship to ME has been apparent in the way they have supported me and been there for me during this time AS friends.
So I thought.
I mean yes, there are friendships there. But I have learned a couple things about them and about me.
First of all, I was an asshole. I mean straight up-no holds barred, surprised I didn't get slapped-ASSHOLE. I've had to lay down some real deal apologies for the way I used to be. Although I don't want to...let me just lay out some transcripts of chat/text. I'll explain the context later.
Him: You said you were not ever going to get married. What happened?
Me: Things change. I fell in love.
Him: There wasn't love between us?
Me: Are you serious? I mean, it was completely physical. Don't play
Him: Physical to who?
Me: What else did we do?
Him: Who's choice was that?
Me: Are we really playing this game right now? I shouldn't have asked you anything
Him: I just don't understand you right now. This is not the Monica I know. When did you start letting a n!gg@ bring you down and get the best of you. That's not the Monica I know. Get your head up
Me: This is different for me too. But thank you for your encouragement
Him: You never needed encouragement before! Just cause your dram n!gg@ turned out to be a BITCH n!gg@ doesn't mean you should feel bad. His ass is stupid. You didn't do anything wrong.
Me: Really? Cause I think I'm the one alone and he's the one living it up with some married chick.
Him: I don't even know that dude, but I can tell you you were too much for him to handle. N!gg@s got faithful problems. You are a confident woman and can't nobody tell you shit. That's hard for a simple ass mind to handle. You are not the jealous type, you don't trip about hardly nothing, and you don't need nobody for shit. Some people like to feel needed. You don't believe in that. Don't you say all the time, it's not healthy to need somebody?
Me: Yep.
Him: Ok then. All the chicks you showed me that he dealt with and even this new chick-you can look at them and tell they got insecurity issues. So a n!gg@ with faithful problems and a ho with insecurity issues. Perfect match. He ain't for you. Don't know what to do with you. Probably not that many men do. Shit, I didn't.
Me: Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Him: Being with him going to make you feel better.
Me: Not at all. I love him, but I have supported that man like I already WAS his wife, he wants somebody else's wife
Him: OK then.
Him: You loved him?
Me: No I love him. That's not going to change over night. I just know what I won't accept. How many times do you have to get cheated on before you get tired of it? Hell, I'm tired of it! I know I've forgiven a lot worse than this-but I won't settle for that crap ever again.
Him: So you'll never take him back
Me: Not the way he is now, no.
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Everybody and Anybody can change. He wants to get his life right, I respect that.
Him: You think I have changed?
Me: I think you could change if you wanted to
Him: So I haven't changed?
Me: have you?
Him: In some ways. One thing hasnt changed
Him: I still love you
Him: Hello?
Me: yeah
Him: You don't have anything to say?
Me: Um...no.
Him: So there's no feelings between us
Me: I told you, I felt bad for just ignoring you. I mean, we are friends right?
Him: You never saw a future for us?
Me: Are you serious right now?
Him: Yes
Me: Honestly, No. We both did what we wanted to do. You STILL do what you want to do. That's fine. That's what you do. That's what you've always done.
Him: You are something else
Me: So I've been told
Him: No for real. your an asshole
Me: WOW. Takes a great one to know a good one
Him: I'm being serious
Him: You sitting up crying over some bitch ass who couldn't appreciate a good woman and isn't man enough to handle a woman willing to support his sorry ass while he tried to make something of himself. You sit up here and tell me that he's changing his life and if he does that you would take him back. But I got to be the same n!gga@ I always been? I always loved you. I always will. I didn't propose to you because I thought that shit was fun. I wanted to marry you. I can provide a fuckin life for you. I can support YOU. I want to give you everything you want. and how many times did I propose. You never thought I was serious.
Me: The first time you "proposed" your ass was married. The second time...you were drunk
Him: I ain't never been that fuckin drunk. What about the other times
Me: What other times?
Him: you serious?
Me: Are you? How did we even get here? I'm not trying to rehash this out with you. It was what it WAS. Nothing more, maybe less!
Him: So you didn't love me
Me: Um...in a dysfunctional kind of way I did.
Him: Wow
Me: How did you figure you wanted to marry me? You don't know shit about me, really. I mean let's be real since you want to get nasty about it.
Him: I do know about you. Because I cared enough to pay attention. If I asked you you always aid you know I don't like to be questioned right. you remember that
Me: Um...well, sounds like something I would say.
Him: And how many times were we at a masonic function and I'd try to talk to you in front of your dad and the other pm's and all them after I had told them about my girl and you walked right past me like you didnt know me. thats some fucked up shit Monica for real
Me: I was not ever your girlfriend.
Him: That's what you say
Me: Um, okay
Me: How many other girlfriends did you have?
Him: We always have to come back to that shit huh?
Me: That's how it was
Him: When I left it was
Me: Ok
Him: What about when I left. Did you ask me to stay? NO you told me it was better so you could move on. But I guess what we had was just physical to you right?
Me: Well, it sounds ugly when you say it like that-but don't pretend that's not what it was
Him: That's what it was to you, I'd take you any way I could get you
Me: That's stupid
Him: Why?
Me: Why would you take what you could get and not ask for what you wanted?
Him: Oh I'm stupid but that's the same shit you been doing for all these years with this little bitch ass running after a dream and not doing shit for you
Me: He's not running after a dream, he will make it
Him: You STILL taking up for this punk
Me: Um-seriously does he have to be all those names. I'm not happy with him...but it doesn't mean I believe in what he's doing any less. I'm not sorry for what I did for him because I did it because I love him and didn't expect nor will I ever expect anything in return. However, lying to me and cheating on me is not something I will ever again be ok with. It doesn't make him a bad person, he messed up. I will forgive him-I just don't right now and that forgiveness doesn't mean I'll take him back.
Him: You forgive him and you still supporting his ass but he ain't thinking about you. If he cared he couldn't have done this shit to you
Me: Ok, that's what you believe that's fine
Him: And how come I can't have a chance like that?
Me: We just weren't like that
Him: Why can't we be?
Me: what?
Him: I never did anything like that to you. Why can't I have a second chance.
Me: You want a second chance?
Him: Yes
Me: Are you serious right now?
Him: Why not? I don't want you to hurt.
Me: You gonna love me out of the hurt?
Him: I want to try
Me: Um...I hope you are kidding. I hope you are not serious right now
Him: why?
Me: I have told you, been telling you that YES I am hurt-but I love that man! It's not going to go away over night! I'm not sitting around waiting for him, but I do not play with people's emotions like that. Why would I move on with you? And WHY would you accept that
Him: If I could have you, I don't care
Me: Listen, I am not, nor should any person EVER be special enough for you to settle for some bullshit.
Him: You settled with him
Me: EXACTLY! See how that turned out?!
Him: So?
And I will end it there. I copied and pasted this right from my archive...just substituting the "him" and "me". This conversation left me dumbfounded. I mean REALLY.
First of all...it's not a nice feeling for somebody to point out how ugly you have acted. I'm not proud that I basically used somebody for his body. I'm also not real fond of the fact that he felt a certain way, and for all these years I had convinced myself it was only physical to find out that that was my choice and my doing. We had had other conversations where things like this came out-and I had to really apologize for hurting him. I mean, I knew how to play the game. Now, I really did care about him and at some point maybe thought I wanted more, but based on how the relationship started (he was going through a divorce...but still married in my book) I never felt like I could trust him. Hmmm...sounds like a familiar situation in somebody ELSE'S life, eh?
The part that really puzzles me was the idea that now was a good time for us to try to get together? Now, this man has laid down some good thoughts for me on why Anthony has done what he has done...and I'm not stupid...I know he's not an impartial source, but he knows more about me and how I am. A lot of the things he has said have made sense to me, and I know that he's probably not 100% correct, but it has given me some things to think about. This is a well put together man with an established career, doing very well for himself. So why on EARTH would you put yourself into a situation where you already know the other person is not in it?
Because you love them.
All those guilty? AYE!
I realize this is the SAME thing I did with A/S. When we got back together, he was just getting out of a relationship. And I kept telling him over and over again, you are NOT over her. I knew he didn't want to get back with her, but I kept telling him he needed to resolve that anger or it would stay with him until he started recognizing things about other people that DON'T exist just because he had not resolved those feelings.
I guess if I was simple, I would be flattered. I'm not.
People do that because they are selfish. Because they want somebody to love them when they can't love themself because they think it will help them come around. NOBODY loves me like I love me. NOBODY deserves MY love more than me.
I love him and what he did hurts. ABSOLUTELY. But I am so much more than just somebody's girlfriend/future wife. One time he told me he felt like he was stopping me from doing what I wanted to do, then it was I had already done everything I wanted to do. And I corrected him everytime. Nobody can stop me but ME, and even when I've done what I wanted to do...I still have plans to move onward and upward!!
Why do people settle? Because they want to. More and more that seems to be the answer to many of lifes questions. We all want what we want, but it seems we are scared to go after what we deserve.
I think that man is a phenomenal man. I think he knows a lot more than I ever gave him credit for, and I have a lot to learn from him now that I have opened my eyes to see him for who he really is and what he has to offer. But all that I can offer him is friendship and he honestly shouldn't be willing to settle for less than he deserves.
Selfishly, I could take his affection and companionship to make myself feel better. People do it all the time, but that is SO not me. The day I start needing somebody else besides JESUS to help me feel better, is the day I need to stand in the mirror a moment longer and figure out what to do with myself, for myself, and about myself.
Settling is for pilgrims.
The only pilgrimage anybody should take is the journey to find a better self. That settlement should be alone.
Settling is for pilgrims.
So for all the people coming with covered wagons full of issues and past hurt...I'll have to wave them on to a different land.
I'm not a pilgrim.
No more settling.
Now, one of the things that I discussed in one of my earlier posts was how I basically crossed some folks off of my friends list because they happened to be ex-boyfriends and my then BOYfriend was not comfortable with those friendships. Some of them, I do honestly feel bad about not talking to them anymore. And their level of friendship to ME has been apparent in the way they have supported me and been there for me during this time AS friends.
So I thought.
I mean yes, there are friendships there. But I have learned a couple things about them and about me.
First of all, I was an asshole. I mean straight up-no holds barred, surprised I didn't get slapped-ASSHOLE. I've had to lay down some real deal apologies for the way I used to be. Although I don't want to...let me just lay out some transcripts of chat/text. I'll explain the context later.
Him: You said you were not ever going to get married. What happened?
Me: Things change. I fell in love.
Him: There wasn't love between us?
Me: Are you serious? I mean, it was completely physical. Don't play
Him: Physical to who?
Me: What else did we do?
Him: Who's choice was that?
Me: Are we really playing this game right now? I shouldn't have asked you anything
Him: I just don't understand you right now. This is not the Monica I know. When did you start letting a n!gg@ bring you down and get the best of you. That's not the Monica I know. Get your head up
Me: This is different for me too. But thank you for your encouragement
Him: You never needed encouragement before! Just cause your dram n!gg@ turned out to be a BITCH n!gg@ doesn't mean you should feel bad. His ass is stupid. You didn't do anything wrong.
Me: Really? Cause I think I'm the one alone and he's the one living it up with some married chick.
Him: I don't even know that dude, but I can tell you you were too much for him to handle. N!gg@s got faithful problems. You are a confident woman and can't nobody tell you shit. That's hard for a simple ass mind to handle. You are not the jealous type, you don't trip about hardly nothing, and you don't need nobody for shit. Some people like to feel needed. You don't believe in that. Don't you say all the time, it's not healthy to need somebody?
Me: Yep.
Him: Ok then. All the chicks you showed me that he dealt with and even this new chick-you can look at them and tell they got insecurity issues. So a n!gg@ with faithful problems and a ho with insecurity issues. Perfect match. He ain't for you. Don't know what to do with you. Probably not that many men do. Shit, I didn't.
Me: Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Him: Being with him going to make you feel better.
Me: Not at all. I love him, but I have supported that man like I already WAS his wife, he wants somebody else's wife
Him: OK then.
Him: You loved him?
Me: No I love him. That's not going to change over night. I just know what I won't accept. How many times do you have to get cheated on before you get tired of it? Hell, I'm tired of it! I know I've forgiven a lot worse than this-but I won't settle for that crap ever again.
Him: So you'll never take him back
Me: Not the way he is now, no.
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Everybody and Anybody can change. He wants to get his life right, I respect that.
Him: You think I have changed?
Me: I think you could change if you wanted to
Him: So I haven't changed?
Me: have you?
Him: In some ways. One thing hasnt changed
Him: I still love you
Him: Hello?
Me: yeah
Him: You don't have anything to say?
Me: Um...no.
Him: So there's no feelings between us
Me: I told you, I felt bad for just ignoring you. I mean, we are friends right?
Him: You never saw a future for us?
Me: Are you serious right now?
Him: Yes
Me: Honestly, No. We both did what we wanted to do. You STILL do what you want to do. That's fine. That's what you do. That's what you've always done.
Him: You are something else
Me: So I've been told
Him: No for real. your an asshole
Me: WOW. Takes a great one to know a good one
Him: I'm being serious
Him: You sitting up crying over some bitch ass who couldn't appreciate a good woman and isn't man enough to handle a woman willing to support his sorry ass while he tried to make something of himself. You sit up here and tell me that he's changing his life and if he does that you would take him back. But I got to be the same n!gga@ I always been? I always loved you. I always will. I didn't propose to you because I thought that shit was fun. I wanted to marry you. I can provide a fuckin life for you. I can support YOU. I want to give you everything you want. and how many times did I propose. You never thought I was serious.
Me: The first time you "proposed" your ass was married. The second time...you were drunk
Him: I ain't never been that fuckin drunk. What about the other times
Me: What other times?
Him: you serious?
Me: Are you? How did we even get here? I'm not trying to rehash this out with you. It was what it WAS. Nothing more, maybe less!
Him: So you didn't love me
Me: Um...in a dysfunctional kind of way I did.
Him: Wow
Me: How did you figure you wanted to marry me? You don't know shit about me, really. I mean let's be real since you want to get nasty about it.
Him: I do know about you. Because I cared enough to pay attention. If I asked you you always aid you know I don't like to be questioned right. you remember that
Me: Um...well, sounds like something I would say.
Him: And how many times were we at a masonic function and I'd try to talk to you in front of your dad and the other pm's and all them after I had told them about my girl and you walked right past me like you didnt know me. thats some fucked up shit Monica for real
Me: I was not ever your girlfriend.
Him: That's what you say
Me: Um, okay
Me: How many other girlfriends did you have?
Him: We always have to come back to that shit huh?
Me: That's how it was
Him: When I left it was
Me: Ok
Him: What about when I left. Did you ask me to stay? NO you told me it was better so you could move on. But I guess what we had was just physical to you right?
Me: Well, it sounds ugly when you say it like that-but don't pretend that's not what it was
Him: That's what it was to you, I'd take you any way I could get you
Me: That's stupid
Him: Why?
Me: Why would you take what you could get and not ask for what you wanted?
Him: Oh I'm stupid but that's the same shit you been doing for all these years with this little bitch ass running after a dream and not doing shit for you
Me: He's not running after a dream, he will make it
Him: You STILL taking up for this punk
Me: Um-seriously does he have to be all those names. I'm not happy with him...but it doesn't mean I believe in what he's doing any less. I'm not sorry for what I did for him because I did it because I love him and didn't expect nor will I ever expect anything in return. However, lying to me and cheating on me is not something I will ever again be ok with. It doesn't make him a bad person, he messed up. I will forgive him-I just don't right now and that forgiveness doesn't mean I'll take him back.
Him: You forgive him and you still supporting his ass but he ain't thinking about you. If he cared he couldn't have done this shit to you
Me: Ok, that's what you believe that's fine
Him: And how come I can't have a chance like that?
Me: We just weren't like that
Him: Why can't we be?
Me: what?
Him: I never did anything like that to you. Why can't I have a second chance.
Me: You want a second chance?
Him: Yes
Me: Are you serious right now?
Him: Why not? I don't want you to hurt.
Me: You gonna love me out of the hurt?
Him: I want to try
Me: Um...I hope you are kidding. I hope you are not serious right now
Him: why?
Me: I have told you, been telling you that YES I am hurt-but I love that man! It's not going to go away over night! I'm not sitting around waiting for him, but I do not play with people's emotions like that. Why would I move on with you? And WHY would you accept that
Him: If I could have you, I don't care
Me: Listen, I am not, nor should any person EVER be special enough for you to settle for some bullshit.
Him: You settled with him
Me: EXACTLY! See how that turned out?!
Him: So?
And I will end it there. I copied and pasted this right from my archive...just substituting the "him" and "me". This conversation left me dumbfounded. I mean REALLY.
First of all...it's not a nice feeling for somebody to point out how ugly you have acted. I'm not proud that I basically used somebody for his body. I'm also not real fond of the fact that he felt a certain way, and for all these years I had convinced myself it was only physical to find out that that was my choice and my doing. We had had other conversations where things like this came out-and I had to really apologize for hurting him. I mean, I knew how to play the game. Now, I really did care about him and at some point maybe thought I wanted more, but based on how the relationship started (he was going through a divorce...but still married in my book) I never felt like I could trust him. Hmmm...sounds like a familiar situation in somebody ELSE'S life, eh?
The part that really puzzles me was the idea that now was a good time for us to try to get together? Now, this man has laid down some good thoughts for me on why Anthony has done what he has done...and I'm not stupid...I know he's not an impartial source, but he knows more about me and how I am. A lot of the things he has said have made sense to me, and I know that he's probably not 100% correct, but it has given me some things to think about. This is a well put together man with an established career, doing very well for himself. So why on EARTH would you put yourself into a situation where you already know the other person is not in it?
Because you love them.
All those guilty? AYE!
I realize this is the SAME thing I did with A/S. When we got back together, he was just getting out of a relationship. And I kept telling him over and over again, you are NOT over her. I knew he didn't want to get back with her, but I kept telling him he needed to resolve that anger or it would stay with him until he started recognizing things about other people that DON'T exist just because he had not resolved those feelings.
I guess if I was simple, I would be flattered. I'm not.
People do that because they are selfish. Because they want somebody to love them when they can't love themself because they think it will help them come around. NOBODY loves me like I love me. NOBODY deserves MY love more than me.
I love him and what he did hurts. ABSOLUTELY. But I am so much more than just somebody's girlfriend/future wife. One time he told me he felt like he was stopping me from doing what I wanted to do, then it was I had already done everything I wanted to do. And I corrected him everytime. Nobody can stop me but ME, and even when I've done what I wanted to do...I still have plans to move onward and upward!!
Why do people settle? Because they want to. More and more that seems to be the answer to many of lifes questions. We all want what we want, but it seems we are scared to go after what we deserve.
I think that man is a phenomenal man. I think he knows a lot more than I ever gave him credit for, and I have a lot to learn from him now that I have opened my eyes to see him for who he really is and what he has to offer. But all that I can offer him is friendship and he honestly shouldn't be willing to settle for less than he deserves.
Selfishly, I could take his affection and companionship to make myself feel better. People do it all the time, but that is SO not me. The day I start needing somebody else besides JESUS to help me feel better, is the day I need to stand in the mirror a moment longer and figure out what to do with myself, for myself, and about myself.
Settling is for pilgrims.
The only pilgrimage anybody should take is the journey to find a better self. That settlement should be alone.
Settling is for pilgrims.
So for all the people coming with covered wagons full of issues and past hurt...I'll have to wave them on to a different land.
I'm not a pilgrim.
No more settling.
Monday, March 9, 2009
One Victim-No Voice
Until about two years ago, domestic violence matters didn't seem that pressing to me. In most situations, it seemed like it was just a formal charge given to dysfunctional relationships. Charges, in many cases, dropped because somewhere along the line somebody would say sorry at the right time and all was well in the world again. And, although I felt for battered woman, I never understood their mentality or state of mind. Seems simple to me-you go upside MY head, I'm not going down without a fight. And the charges will NOT be dropped, you WILL go to jail. But a domestic violence charge doesn't carry too much time nor weight.
I was always aware that there were some women who felt trapped. Felt like they had nowhere to go. The emotional controlled the physical. Now, I understand emotional abuse. I stayed in a relationship for almost 6 years because that man told me that everything I had experienced in my life left me unworthy of anybody else BUT HIM. That led me to believe that I was not in fact a SURVIVOR of my circumstances, that I was actually tainted. That I was LUCKY to have him because he was the only one that understood and would accept me. He was the first person that I actually confided in about being molested for 9 years of my childhood, being a rape victim twice before I was even 12, and three times after that. The last attempted incident-my freshmen year of college which brought all the anger, all the hurt, all the feelings out-and he was there. And he acted supportive, but instead used it all against me to convince me that nobody would understand me. He was the first person I told everything to-so how could I tell anybody else? How could I confide in ANYBODY without thinking they would assume the same things he did. And then, in my mind-I was lucky to have him. He accepted me.
It was really in my college years that I acted out. I went from not trusting anybody-to trusting everybody. Notice I said that the last event in college was an ATTEMPT. I did not get raped, but the fact that somebody would try left me in a very weak state of mind. I got myself into situations that I would have never been in before. I let people take advantage of my trust because I wanted to believe in people. And when things came tumbling down around me, people turned their backs on me. The people that had got me in the MOST trouble were no where to be found and left with no blame. So, this was a pivotal point in my life. I felt like no matter what-I was not going to be happy. That no matter what I did, people were going to take advantage of me. That no matter what-I could make nobody happy and I decided the best course of action was for me to attempt to take my own life.
I planned it meticulously. I knew exactly what to take and used alcohol as an accelerant for the pills I took so that it would happen quickly. And as I laid on the floor and listened to my heart stop beating, I asked God to bless the people around me and to have his way. I called my sister, just to talk to her. Because of the amount of pills I took, I couldn't control the blurred speech or lack of coherence in my words. She asked what was wrong, and I told her I was dying. Only by the grace of God was she able to figure out a phone number I incorrectly gave her and sent somebody to come get me. They arrived to get me probably two hours after I had taken those pills. I should have been dead. I was sleeping when they came and I woke up. I stayed alert on the way to the hospital. The tylenol levels in my body were so high they were concerned my liver would be damaged, and my heart rate was irregular. Since I was conscious, they decided the best thing to do was pump my stomach. Now, listen-if you want somebody to stop drinking heavily, stop doing drugs, stop putting whatever into their body-get their stomach pumped. It will change their attitude on life!
A suicide attempt is not only hard on the person, it destroys your family and friends. Most of the time, there are signs there. Many times there are not. I started seeing a therapist, and honestly...I didn't tell that dude a damn thing about what was going on in my life. I still didn't trust anybody to accept me for who I was after everything I had been through. I suppressed it all AGAIN. I knew the reasons I acted out. I knew the things in my life that hurt me the most, but I kept it inside. I went and saw that guy for 30 minutes every week, and knew that when he looked at his watch I had five minutes left. It's just what I had to do to get on with my life.
For me, dealing with the things I had been through was entirely spiritual. Realizing that I had put my trust everywhere BUT with God. It came to me in struggling with my life and always asking God WHY I had to go through whatever I did and somewhere along the way I would say "God, I know you're going to bless me after this storm. Just help me get through it". And in teaching and starting to study my bible more realized that the storm WAS my blessing, and in waiting for it to be over I wasn't giving God credit for the ways in which he had been blessing me all along.
Not until then could I look at what I had been through and stop being angry about it. I had to stop being angry at people for not protecting me. I had to stop being angry at people for hurting me. I had to start loving myself for the person I was. I had to realize that although painful things happened to me, the hurt that I went through was directly proportional to the strength that I had to get through it. So I decided to stop hiding from myself. I decided that what I had been through is completely in vain if I can not learn, grow, and do everything in my power to help anybody out there feeling like I had. IF nothing else, to give them hope and let them know that they are NOT alone.
In my work with people, I have found that many people struggle with the same things I had struggled with. I found that although I had made some bad decisions, I had not done anything so unspeakable that I couldn't recover from it. I healed. I realized that the only person that could make me a victim is ME. As a victim, you choose to not have a voice. I am not a victim, I am a survivor of my circumstance-a living testimony that God will never leave you, he will never forsake you, and that everything that happened did happen in HIS will and he brought me out of it. This healing took many years. People don't expect you to talk openly about molestation, rape, suicide, emotional abuse, and mental instability.
So, I know for myself how destructive it is to hold things in because if you don't deal with them you still act out. I never would have compared myself or my situation to that of a domestic violence victim/survivor but I have come to learn that tramautic events invoke the same feelings within all of us-the defining factor is how we handle it outwardly.
Domestic Violence has a stigma behind it. We don't like it, but in most situations we position ourselves in the opinion that there is really nothing we can do about it. Most of the time, we think we can spot people in a bad situation-until something happens that exposes it to us. What we fail to think about is what chain of events, for both parties, that led to the event that exposed the volatility of the situation.
Many people now are speculating on the motives behind the Chris Brown/Rihanna incident. Many women are appalled that she would take him back and want her to know this is not the last time. But how do we know it is the first? He claims to have witnessed his mother being abused, so many people want to blame this on those events and label this as a perpetual cycle. Instead of thinking about the actions that he witnessed, how come nobody is asking what consequences he witnessed??
Abuse has perpetuated itself in our society over and over again. Whether it be that we don't teach our children about healthy body limits or boundaries, or we teach and don't SHOW the same things we say. Whether it be that we witnessed abuse and saw that there were no consequences so we are either scared to speak up, or not afraid of being punished. Domestic Violence situations seem to be different.
Like many, I never went to the police or anybody about what was happening to me. Mostly because I was being abused my boys not that much older than me, and this was not something we were taught about. We were taught that grown ups shouldn't touch us inappropriately-I didn't know how to process the situation I was in. However, if my situation had been brought to light-there would have been a prosecution regardless of what my position was. If a man rapes a woman and accused of rape, regardless of what she says-that man can still be prosecuted. In domestic violence situations, why is it so easy for a woman to drop that restraining order? Why is it so easy for them to allow a woman to speak on the man's behalf? It seems to me that if somebody has been convicted of rape, or molestation-we see that person as a criminal. If there is a domestic violence charge-many people assume they just don't know all the circumstances. And in the case that person is back WITH the person, that conviction bears no burden at all.
Until June 28, 2007-I didn't really understand how serious domestic violence really was. It was on this day that Kesha Tann was murdered. She attended my church. A quiet, but hard working woman. Single mother of two well rounded girls. She had a long term relationship with Freddie Mayes-a DEACON at our church. Before this day, you couldn't have said a bad thing to me about Freddie Mayes. He was an excellent role model to the young men in our church-often organizing and facilitating events for our young men to be more responsible and have positive role models. He cooked for the homeless on Saturdays. He was a funny, upbeat person that always had a smile and a hug for you. Always.
One Sunday, he stood up in church and said he was going through some things. To pray for him, really pray. And in hindsight, what we all realize now is that it was a cry for help. His fellow deacons were taking turns visiting him, making sure he was okay, and it was apparent that he was not dealing well with the break up of his relationship with Kesha.
On June 28-He killed her.
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4191/is_20070628/ai_n19344012
This event changed my life. I realized what can actually happen when you don't know what kind of emotions somebody has on the inside of them. I realized that just like I had held all the feelings in and acted out-everybody is capable. In whatever way they justify to themself.
During this whole ordeal, I couldn't fathom that we were in the presence of a cold blooded killer. I didn't know what to tell my son when he asked why Mr. Freddie took away somebody's mom. I kept telling myself that he had had some kind of breakdown, and that he would be sorry for what he did. I kept telling myself I would not judge him, because God was going to deal with him-but I was sure he would be sorry. That remorse never came. And even as he was sentenced to life in prison, he still has no remorse for taking her life.
The domestic violence issue has become near to my heart because of this. See, Kesha Tann was a domestic violence survivor. She got out of a relationship she knew was not headed in the right direction. But she was murdered because of it. Did she know he was capable of murder? She was scared of what he might do and called the police to report it, but she was unable to get an emergency restraining order because he had not physically done anything to her. So does it have to come down to violence? How come nobody is complaining about the lack of resources BEFORE somebody does get physical? How come the emotional violence is not enough?
So when a woman, OR MAN (http://www.batteredmen.com/) goes back to a relationship that we all see as doomed...I wonder what they have been through emotionally before they got to this point. I wonder how many times they thought the only way to live, was to stay with this person. I wonder how many times they allow themself to fall back in love with the person all the while telling them self that if they do the right thing, the other person won't do "it" again. I wonder why we are charging men with assault, menacing, or harassment instead of attempted murder. And I really wonder how many times a judge is going to have to sentence a murderer with domestic violence on his/her rap sheet before somebody realizes that the biggest problem with the cycle is that we are not doing anything to stop it.
I don't claim to know Rihanna or any other person's reasons for going back. I'll never stop believing that people can change and not go back to the ways they have exhibited. I will always believe that God can step into any situation and change it forever.
I can only share my story about emotional imprisonment. I can only share my experiences in knowing what it's like to be trapped in your own self. I can only tell people that they don't have to be like Kesha and the many other women I have had the opportunity to share my time with. I can only tell every person that if they choose to be a victim-they choose to not have a voice.
For every victim, there IS a survivor. For every survivor there is a voice. For every voice there are countless stories. Hopefully those stories save another victim.
All we can do is hope.
All we can do is pray.
All we can do is listen to the voice-and find the ones that don't think they deserve to be heard.
I was always aware that there were some women who felt trapped. Felt like they had nowhere to go. The emotional controlled the physical. Now, I understand emotional abuse. I stayed in a relationship for almost 6 years because that man told me that everything I had experienced in my life left me unworthy of anybody else BUT HIM. That led me to believe that I was not in fact a SURVIVOR of my circumstances, that I was actually tainted. That I was LUCKY to have him because he was the only one that understood and would accept me. He was the first person that I actually confided in about being molested for 9 years of my childhood, being a rape victim twice before I was even 12, and three times after that. The last attempted incident-my freshmen year of college which brought all the anger, all the hurt, all the feelings out-and he was there. And he acted supportive, but instead used it all against me to convince me that nobody would understand me. He was the first person I told everything to-so how could I tell anybody else? How could I confide in ANYBODY without thinking they would assume the same things he did. And then, in my mind-I was lucky to have him. He accepted me.
It was really in my college years that I acted out. I went from not trusting anybody-to trusting everybody. Notice I said that the last event in college was an ATTEMPT. I did not get raped, but the fact that somebody would try left me in a very weak state of mind. I got myself into situations that I would have never been in before. I let people take advantage of my trust because I wanted to believe in people. And when things came tumbling down around me, people turned their backs on me. The people that had got me in the MOST trouble were no where to be found and left with no blame. So, this was a pivotal point in my life. I felt like no matter what-I was not going to be happy. That no matter what I did, people were going to take advantage of me. That no matter what-I could make nobody happy and I decided the best course of action was for me to attempt to take my own life.
I planned it meticulously. I knew exactly what to take and used alcohol as an accelerant for the pills I took so that it would happen quickly. And as I laid on the floor and listened to my heart stop beating, I asked God to bless the people around me and to have his way. I called my sister, just to talk to her. Because of the amount of pills I took, I couldn't control the blurred speech or lack of coherence in my words. She asked what was wrong, and I told her I was dying. Only by the grace of God was she able to figure out a phone number I incorrectly gave her and sent somebody to come get me. They arrived to get me probably two hours after I had taken those pills. I should have been dead. I was sleeping when they came and I woke up. I stayed alert on the way to the hospital. The tylenol levels in my body were so high they were concerned my liver would be damaged, and my heart rate was irregular. Since I was conscious, they decided the best thing to do was pump my stomach. Now, listen-if you want somebody to stop drinking heavily, stop doing drugs, stop putting whatever into their body-get their stomach pumped. It will change their attitude on life!
A suicide attempt is not only hard on the person, it destroys your family and friends. Most of the time, there are signs there. Many times there are not. I started seeing a therapist, and honestly...I didn't tell that dude a damn thing about what was going on in my life. I still didn't trust anybody to accept me for who I was after everything I had been through. I suppressed it all AGAIN. I knew the reasons I acted out. I knew the things in my life that hurt me the most, but I kept it inside. I went and saw that guy for 30 minutes every week, and knew that when he looked at his watch I had five minutes left. It's just what I had to do to get on with my life.
For me, dealing with the things I had been through was entirely spiritual. Realizing that I had put my trust everywhere BUT with God. It came to me in struggling with my life and always asking God WHY I had to go through whatever I did and somewhere along the way I would say "God, I know you're going to bless me after this storm. Just help me get through it". And in teaching and starting to study my bible more realized that the storm WAS my blessing, and in waiting for it to be over I wasn't giving God credit for the ways in which he had been blessing me all along.
Not until then could I look at what I had been through and stop being angry about it. I had to stop being angry at people for not protecting me. I had to stop being angry at people for hurting me. I had to start loving myself for the person I was. I had to realize that although painful things happened to me, the hurt that I went through was directly proportional to the strength that I had to get through it. So I decided to stop hiding from myself. I decided that what I had been through is completely in vain if I can not learn, grow, and do everything in my power to help anybody out there feeling like I had. IF nothing else, to give them hope and let them know that they are NOT alone.
In my work with people, I have found that many people struggle with the same things I had struggled with. I found that although I had made some bad decisions, I had not done anything so unspeakable that I couldn't recover from it. I healed. I realized that the only person that could make me a victim is ME. As a victim, you choose to not have a voice. I am not a victim, I am a survivor of my circumstance-a living testimony that God will never leave you, he will never forsake you, and that everything that happened did happen in HIS will and he brought me out of it. This healing took many years. People don't expect you to talk openly about molestation, rape, suicide, emotional abuse, and mental instability.
So, I know for myself how destructive it is to hold things in because if you don't deal with them you still act out. I never would have compared myself or my situation to that of a domestic violence victim/survivor but I have come to learn that tramautic events invoke the same feelings within all of us-the defining factor is how we handle it outwardly.
Domestic Violence has a stigma behind it. We don't like it, but in most situations we position ourselves in the opinion that there is really nothing we can do about it. Most of the time, we think we can spot people in a bad situation-until something happens that exposes it to us. What we fail to think about is what chain of events, for both parties, that led to the event that exposed the volatility of the situation.
Many people now are speculating on the motives behind the Chris Brown/Rihanna incident. Many women are appalled that she would take him back and want her to know this is not the last time. But how do we know it is the first? He claims to have witnessed his mother being abused, so many people want to blame this on those events and label this as a perpetual cycle. Instead of thinking about the actions that he witnessed, how come nobody is asking what consequences he witnessed??
Abuse has perpetuated itself in our society over and over again. Whether it be that we don't teach our children about healthy body limits or boundaries, or we teach and don't SHOW the same things we say. Whether it be that we witnessed abuse and saw that there were no consequences so we are either scared to speak up, or not afraid of being punished. Domestic Violence situations seem to be different.
Like many, I never went to the police or anybody about what was happening to me. Mostly because I was being abused my boys not that much older than me, and this was not something we were taught about. We were taught that grown ups shouldn't touch us inappropriately-I didn't know how to process the situation I was in. However, if my situation had been brought to light-there would have been a prosecution regardless of what my position was. If a man rapes a woman and accused of rape, regardless of what she says-that man can still be prosecuted. In domestic violence situations, why is it so easy for a woman to drop that restraining order? Why is it so easy for them to allow a woman to speak on the man's behalf? It seems to me that if somebody has been convicted of rape, or molestation-we see that person as a criminal. If there is a domestic violence charge-many people assume they just don't know all the circumstances. And in the case that person is back WITH the person, that conviction bears no burden at all.
Until June 28, 2007-I didn't really understand how serious domestic violence really was. It was on this day that Kesha Tann was murdered. She attended my church. A quiet, but hard working woman. Single mother of two well rounded girls. She had a long term relationship with Freddie Mayes-a DEACON at our church. Before this day, you couldn't have said a bad thing to me about Freddie Mayes. He was an excellent role model to the young men in our church-often organizing and facilitating events for our young men to be more responsible and have positive role models. He cooked for the homeless on Saturdays. He was a funny, upbeat person that always had a smile and a hug for you. Always.
One Sunday, he stood up in church and said he was going through some things. To pray for him, really pray. And in hindsight, what we all realize now is that it was a cry for help. His fellow deacons were taking turns visiting him, making sure he was okay, and it was apparent that he was not dealing well with the break up of his relationship with Kesha.
On June 28-He killed her.
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4191/is_20070628/ai_n19344012
This event changed my life. I realized what can actually happen when you don't know what kind of emotions somebody has on the inside of them. I realized that just like I had held all the feelings in and acted out-everybody is capable. In whatever way they justify to themself.
During this whole ordeal, I couldn't fathom that we were in the presence of a cold blooded killer. I didn't know what to tell my son when he asked why Mr. Freddie took away somebody's mom. I kept telling myself that he had had some kind of breakdown, and that he would be sorry for what he did. I kept telling myself I would not judge him, because God was going to deal with him-but I was sure he would be sorry. That remorse never came. And even as he was sentenced to life in prison, he still has no remorse for taking her life.
The domestic violence issue has become near to my heart because of this. See, Kesha Tann was a domestic violence survivor. She got out of a relationship she knew was not headed in the right direction. But she was murdered because of it. Did she know he was capable of murder? She was scared of what he might do and called the police to report it, but she was unable to get an emergency restraining order because he had not physically done anything to her. So does it have to come down to violence? How come nobody is complaining about the lack of resources BEFORE somebody does get physical? How come the emotional violence is not enough?
So when a woman, OR MAN (http://www.batteredmen.com/) goes back to a relationship that we all see as doomed...I wonder what they have been through emotionally before they got to this point. I wonder how many times they thought the only way to live, was to stay with this person. I wonder how many times they allow themself to fall back in love with the person all the while telling them self that if they do the right thing, the other person won't do "it" again. I wonder why we are charging men with assault, menacing, or harassment instead of attempted murder. And I really wonder how many times a judge is going to have to sentence a murderer with domestic violence on his/her rap sheet before somebody realizes that the biggest problem with the cycle is that we are not doing anything to stop it.
I don't claim to know Rihanna or any other person's reasons for going back. I'll never stop believing that people can change and not go back to the ways they have exhibited. I will always believe that God can step into any situation and change it forever.
I can only share my story about emotional imprisonment. I can only share my experiences in knowing what it's like to be trapped in your own self. I can only tell people that they don't have to be like Kesha and the many other women I have had the opportunity to share my time with. I can only tell every person that if they choose to be a victim-they choose to not have a voice.
For every victim, there IS a survivor. For every survivor there is a voice. For every voice there are countless stories. Hopefully those stories save another victim.
All we can do is hope.
All we can do is pray.
All we can do is listen to the voice-and find the ones that don't think they deserve to be heard.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
