Joy GPS

It is often said and completely true that misery loves company-but it is a state of mind that I can't wrap my head around, and I hope I never can. I am so abundantly blessed with positive people in my life that I really question how it is that I am related to some of the most negative people I know. It makes me question myself. It makes me wonder if I ever was negative like this, and most of all it shows me that God really can move if you let him.

I remember a time in my life when I was really unhappy-but I hope to God I didn't try to take other people's joy to further enhance my misery and make me feel better about myself. It seems ridiculous to me now, but I'm hoping that it was equally as ridiculous to me then. The thing about it, is that even if you rob somebody else of their joy-it's not an instant solution or location status to where YOUR's is at.

There are some people, well one person, close to me that I am constantly looking at her friends wondering why they are not as good to her as she is to them. Then I realize-they are of a like mind. She gives to them-they take from her. They are not whole-so it's easy and quite sensical to them to take and take and take, and NEVER give. And because she is in the habit of looking for attention in the wrong places-the people that give to her are the people she lashes out at because they are not taking everything they can. Isn't that sad?

I've reached a breaking point. I can't continue to show her how great she is by my actions, because they aren't appreciated. I refuse to let her take my joy or even an ounce of my happiness from me. The Joy of the LORD is my strength-so one person, regardless of who they are is not powerful enough to take that from me.

I wish there was a Joy GPS. This GPS should be free and it only requires one line.

"Your JOY is right in front of your face-PLEASE GRASP IT!"

I don't care who it is and what they are going through, we all have plenty to be joyous about. It's so not about what you're going through-it's that God trusts you to get through it. It's that he is challenging you to be BETTER, STRONGER, MORE FAITHFUL than you ever thought you could be. It's not about the "why", it's about the WHO.

I know there was a time when I would ask God why I was going through the things I was going through. And it surely did not get easier just because I was on my knees asking God to fix everything. I have come to know it's not about wanting what you want, it's about trusting God to give you what you need.

How can you not have JOY when it's not even in your hands? How can you not have JOY when you have a FATHER who is going to fix it all for you and all you have to do is believe? How can you be sad for the things you have lost when GOD is trying to show you that what he is going to help you regain is more than you could have ever thought you would have?

How can anyone live this life upset about the trials they have gone through, jealous of the people around them, drowned in negativity, surrounded by foolishness?


YOUR JOY IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.

You can't steal my joy. I can GIVE you my joy, but the thing about it is-it doesn't take away from me-it grows within ME regardless of what you decide to do with it.

I have to laugh at attempts to bring me down.

I have to scoff at people who try to get the best of me.

I have to chuckle at those who don't understand how I can be happy in the midst of everything.

I have to wink at those who can't stand the genuineness in my smile.

Every doubt,
every fear,
every emotion,
every bad thing,
every tear I've cried,
every thing I've lost,
every hurt,
every disappointment,
every THING that ever stopped me from moving upward has been wrapped up INTO my joy and is retold in the testimony of my life. Retold in every story that I tell where the ending remains the same. God trusted ME, God used ME, God LOVES ME so much that he won't let me be just good enough-he pushes me to be better. And the only thing I had to do was believe that he would, he will, he CAN.

I can't locate your Joy for you, but the GPS can tell you where it is.

Grasp it.

Nobody can take it from you-but it will remain where it is until you take it for yourself.

RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE might seem like a long way away, but if you believe it is there, you can grasp it...

And hold onto it so tightly that it can never be taken away.

Joy that God Provides Sufficiently!!

I Can Go On Now

I'm not sure how to place the words
so that I can paint the story
of how I feel.

My heart-ripping in silent screams
But with the pain
Comes relief-so real.

The revelation. The TRUTH. Deafening.
I can't turn away
It's right in my face

I can't even grasp what has kept me
HERE. So Obviously-WRONG
So out of place.

Over and over-mistakes I have made
And I let you be my judge
the final word, yours.

Even if I hurt you in the process
It is only God's wrath I fear
Not you. Not anymore.

I let your expectations predict my actions
I let myself fail-but
the fault? It's mine.

I stood in the shadow you cast
over me-over my life
I've got to go. Now it is time.

I've held myself back. I've let myself down.
And as hard as I thought
I fought. I let you win.

I played the bad guy. Your villain.
Your excuse. YOU COWARD.
Not anymore. NEVER again.

Unlike you-I still see God in this plan
in trying to destroy me
HE didn't let me go

He gave me another chance to be me
You don't see his mercy
You don't even know!

The things you try to place on me
that Ugliness-it's not me.
Look. LOOK. It's YOU

I just followed the poor example
The immaturity, selfishness
Not me. NOT ME. YOU!!

No more heaviness in my heart
my soul-I'm setting it free.
You have no control.

Face your own demons. Fight your OWN self.
I've got to fly away
You can't use me. NO MORE.

Blood ties us together...but love??
Not from you. That's NOT
what you have given or shown

It is what has made me feel bound
You have had my love, respect-
And I thought you had GROWN.

I will love you and forgive you
because-you AREN'T in control
I am now-NOT YOU.

I will believe you can change
Your ways. Your heart.
Everything you do.

My energy. My passion. My heart.
You have had it.
I have had ENOUGH.

Thank you for the strength. Understanding.
Of what I have endured.
Thank you SO much.

All the while I thought it was over
God still had a lesson
For ME. In YOUR ugliness

I still didn't allow him to reveal
Opportunities. I let go.
of MY happiness.

I see it now-Oh THANK YOU GOD
I know where I can go
I know what to do.

Who are YOU going to hold down now?
There is no one to punish
YOU have to deal with YOU.

May God bless you in your journey
as he deals with ALL OF YOU
All of YOUR "things"

I'll pray for your strength
Pray for Your Soul
I don't need YOU to pray for me.

I have everything, everyone I
could ever need
Not you-go your way please

Thank you for the clarity
Thank for for the strength
I can go on now-
You don't get to stand in my way.

Good-bye to hurt, pain, shame.
Hello to life renewed.
I can go on now-
I'm over it. I'm PAST YOU.

I cannot remove you from my life
But I can move my life from you
I can go on now-
Good-by to what you tried to do.

Now you have to deal with you.

I'm going on now-will you move on too?


You don't have to-
I can go on now.

Do whatever you need to do.

And if you decide to stay-
I can go on now.

Do it your way.

Yesterday was yours, maybe also today-
I can go on now.

Tomorrow is mine. MY way.

No hard feelings, no regrets-
I can go on now

And what you deserve-YOU WILL GET.

I can go on now.
Good-bye.

I can go on now.



1/27/2008
MAH
8:43 PM

Change...

In my own words...the worst thing you can ever do to anybody is to stop believing that they can change. The worst thing you can do to yourself is to stop trying.

I believe that for the most part I have given more people than I should the benefit of this doubt. Time and again, it is the people closest to me that show they aren't capable or they don't want to try.

Times have changed. There was a day when all that criticism would have hurt me, stayed with me, made me look down on myself...Sorry. Not anymore.

You can stand in my face and assume that I have done anything your little head can come up with. But I no longer cower down and try to explain why you are wrong about me. I don't care. I am human, I make human mistakes. And like all humans-I fix my mistakes and live with the consequences.

You can look down your nose at who I am, but no longer am I trying to stand up to who I'm trying to be. I know who I am, and if you can't see it, it is because you can not see past the flaws in yourself.

You can try to put me down, but no longer do I try to prove that I'm still on my way up. I won't be your scapegoat. I won't be the person you can always count on to look down and feel better about yourself. I won't give you the satisfaction of accepting defeat, because you can not defeat me. You would have to be stronger than me to do that-and not one of you has that. NOT ONE.

You can not make me who I am by what you think.

You can not make me who I am by what you think you KNOW.

You can not make me who I am by what you think you KNOW about ME.

And as long as you continue to think that I have not changed, it is really you that I have left behind because I never held you to any standard. I only apologized for not being all I could be when really-all I was doing was allowing you to control my opinion of my OWN SELF.

Whatever you see in me, you only recognize it because it is in YOU.

For as long as you try to put me down, that is as long as you are trying to still feel good about you.

I will not stop believing that you can change.

And I will not stop changing for your benefit. If you don't get better, that is on you.

If you don't try harder, that is on you.

If you don't change, that is YOUR choice-not my doing.

So to my mother,
father,
sister...

You can't put me down any longer because I'm not there for you to control.

The faults that you try to place on me are your own and then you beg for my patience, strength, and understanding to help you in your life. I give it freely without judgement, and I give you all love unselfishly wanting NOTHING from you in return. But-I refuse to be held back by a closed mind, a judgemental attitude, and your inability to see me for who I am because of your own insecurities.

I made my own choices, I suffered my own consequences.

And I have suffered ENOUGH.

You are my blood...but you don't possess the blood that gives me renewed life, renewed spirit, renewed faith.

You are my family...but I don't have to accept what you have to offer.

You are not my friends.

The changes keep coming in me...

What will you decide to do?


So I am sorry if you feel like I am being disagreeable in your eyes. In my eyes, you are being ridiculous.

I am sorry if you feel like I haven't done all the things I should have. In my shoes, you would have known the path that I have walked has not been easy-but I didn't stop. Not even when YOU gave up on me.

I am sorry if you don't agree with my ways. In my life, your ways will get me nowhere but to where you ARE. It's not my goal to be miserable. It's not my goal to be unhappy. It is not my goal to accept where I am and stay there.

So as I ascend on my upward path, I hope you will ascend up yours and not stand in the crossways of all that life has to offer you and sink in the quicksand of judgement of others and hate that fills you. Strong words for you? The truth is always a force to be reckoned with.

And it is not that I don't see your point of view...it is that I am so far past where you are it is impossible for me to care about your journey because then I can't get ahead in mine.

I know that this might be hard for you to understand because for many years, you've been able to stop me right in my tracks.

I'm not a follower, and I don't expect to be YOUR leader. But my life is mine. I am responsible for it, and I know that you don't want the burden of knowing you held me back.

Fortunately for you, you don't get that much credit from me. I forgive all of you, but I don't forget the pain inflicted on my heart because of the incompleteness in yours. Don't worry, I'm not mad about it, it has made me stronger. So thank you for my STRENGTH, and that is all the thanks you get from me.

Change will happen...

You can either get with it or let it pass you by.

I believe you CAN change.

Will you? Don't give up on yourself, I believe you can do it.

As for me, I will not ever stop trying to change for what I believe is better for me and my family...

MY family, not you.

And if you do not understand my words...it's okay.

You don't have to understand me...just know that I understand every simple thing about you.

Change.

It is what YOU need.

Not what I require. Unlike you, I accept you for who you are.

And I learn what NOT to be.

Change.

I'm still changing.

Don't focus on my change-concentrate on yours.

Change.

The love will never change-
but...
Can you change the love?

Change...

To my Grandmother...

For my whole life, I have wanted nothing more than to sit in your presence. To know the woman who has endured so much, has fought so hard, who sacrificed so many things, who ended up with so much.

You gave me one of the greatest gifts I have ever known and will ever know, my mother. Her words of wisdom from you, stay with me. Her anecdotes of her childhood with you have taught me lessons in my life. Her stories of your struggles put mine into minute perspective. Her admiration and adoration of you makes me love you all the more because she is a woman that I admire more than anybody-so to know the person that she loves so much would be an honor.

I am praying for you. I am hoping that although you have never touched my face or held my hand that you know that I am with you and holding you in my heart. I am hoping that even though you don't know my childhood, my life, or anything about me, you know that I love you because you are part of me. The strength that my mother has, the perseverence, the support she shows, the patience, the long-suffering but always ever present love comes from you and I love you for that. I could only be so blessed and honored to know the woman that my mother gives all the credit to, because I can't imagine there being anybody else as great as she in this world, but I know there is you.

I have heard stories of your sense of humor, your stubbornness, your will to live, your persistence to survive, and your unwavering faith. I see it in my mother. I hope that I have it too.

The sacrifices you have made for your children is reflected in the love, support, and respect they have for you. I hope it is reflected in that respect that I have for you too because I can only hope that if faced with the obstacles that you have faced that I could look them in the eye, stare right back, and never back down like you did.

Even though your presence and my being have never met, I am inspired by your will to live every moment. I am inspired by your zest for life at all times. I am overwhelmed by the love that you so freely give and share. I am awed by the forgiveness I know is in you. I am motivated by the example that you have set as a mother, a wife, a friend...and my grandmother.

I don't know you, but I know you. The hurt you have endured equals strength in your daughters, courage inside of me, and faith in my own child. Your story lives in my heart. Your life is precious to me. Your example is one I could only hope to obtain, and I promise you to keep trying.

I promise you that I will honor my mother as she has honored you. I will love her with all the love that any child could possibly give to a mother. I have hurt her, I have disappointed her, and I have not been all that I could be-but she loved me anyway. I have failed, I have fallen, I have been so low I didn't know which way was up, until she picked me up. I have given up on myself, and she believed in me anyway. She has so much love, so much faith, so much understanding...she has made you so proud.

And now, I believe you are on a journey to meet our Heavenly Father where you can live as freely as you wish in the kingdom of Heaven. My heart aches only because while you were an angel on earth-I never had the opportunity to meet you. I know your heart-I see her everyday.

I don't know you, but I know you.
I've never seen you, but I see you.

But, I have always loved you. I always will.

Stay strong grandmother...she is coming home, and she brings with her a piece of all of us. I hope you take it with you and know that we cherish you, we love you, and we will meet you one day.

I pray for your strength.
I pray for your health.
I pray for you, always.

But if God sees fit to lead you home, I know it is his will, it his way, and I will not doubt it.

I will rejoice through my tears.
We will lift each other up through our pain.
We will bring this family together one day-I promise.

And if it is his will that you ascend into the heavens...
You will then know my heart.
You will then know my love.
You will then know me.

You showed her love.
She has given it to us.
I am offering it back to you.

Thank you.