Who are you?

WHO ARE YOU?

The one with the lines I've heard
a million times
That might just be a little straighter
than the usual kind.


WHO ARE YOU?

The one with the eyes that smile
behind the stare
The one with eyes that glaze over
in front of the glare.


WHO ARE YOU?

That laugh is so full, but
full of joy?
The happiness so perfect
Or is it a sick ploy??



WHO ARE YOU?

The things you say
all seem right
But are you just talking
Til day turns to night?

WHO ARE YOU?

You know I've heard
this all before
The normal "I'm giving you less
but I'll talk like it's more".

WHO ARE YOU?

I know who I am
Why do you seem surprised?
Is it because I see through
your sorry disguise?

WHO ARE YOU?

Do you honestly think these
things I need to hear??
All this flattery is tired
Your end time is near.

WHO ARE YOU?

Might you actually have
some semblance of sense?
Might you actually be
worthy of MY presence?

WHO ARE YOU?

Do you mean what you say
and say what you mean?
Are you talking, hearing, and
not just being seen?

WHO ARE YOU?

Do you actually KNOW who
you are dealing with?
Is the level I'm on a reality to you
And not just wish?

WHO ARE YOU?

Might you actually be worth
my time and attention??
Might you actually be worth
a first name mention?

WHO ARE YOU?

It seems I have too many
questions to ask
Shouldn't the answers have been
clear in the facts?

WHO ARE YOU?

How come I don't know
who you are?
Upset cause I don't care
that you drive a nice car?

WHO ARE YOU?

Why are the things you focus
on so worthless to me?
Is it possible that you are in
fact worth less than you think?

WHO ARE YOU?

Fooled again by a nice,
big pretty smile?
Doesn't this rejection get
old after awhile??

WHO ARE YOU?

And why did you think
you qualified for ME.
Are you looking for a woman
or girl with mentality equal to 3.

WHO AM I?

Oh, let me answer this
question for you.
The woman with a purpose
with no time for fools.

WHO AM I?

Plain to see, I think-
not hard to read.
You see correctly, the grass
on this side is green.

WHO AM I?

If you have to ask, I'm
not sure I want to tell
You can't handle this brain
Can't comprehend too well

WHO AM I?

Just walk down and wonder
it's for the best.
Dream about the real women
Go play with the rest.

WHO AM I?

A question to be posed when
the following is true:
You can answer when I ask-
WHO ARE YOU??

The American Dream

The American Dream
used to be
SUCCESS
through hard work
WEALTH
through working hard
FAME
by doing something
Worth being known
for.

The Golden rule
used to mean
Do unto others as
YOU
would have
THEM
Do unto
YOU
Respect of self
and one
another.

Happiness did at one
time equal
just being
HAPPY
with out strings
ATTACHED
to the
CONDITION
of being
HAPPY
because we didn't
need things for
happiness.

LOVE was at one
time the
act of actually
LOVING
without
STATUS
without
CONDITION
without
LOVING
first who one
is but what
they have in their
heart.

SADNESS once was
a time
for you to see
WHO
was there
HOW
to heal
WHO
had you
when you got
to a point so
low.

Friendship used
to include
those who were
FRIENDS
at all
TIMES
in all
SITUATIONS
for all
OCCASIONS
in all that
you did you
were never
alone.

Time has deemed
that all things
that used to
BE
have lost
MEANING
have lost
DEPTH
and are
EMPTY
in emotion
in doing
in being
anything.

The American Dream
is now to
do the very
LEAST
but get the
MOST
for
NOTHING
that you
don't deserve
any credit
for.

The Golden Rule
now dull
means to do for
YOU
and
YOU
and
OTHERS
when they
are necessary
in your fake
happiness.

Happiness now
is equal
to acting
HAPPY
with out feeling
ATTACHED
to emptiness with the
CONDITION
that you act
HAPPY
because you can't
remember what
really is your
happiness.

Love is mostly
pretending
that you are actually
LOVING
pretending not to notice
STATUS
completely contingent on
CONDITION
and nothing to do with
LOVING
anything except
the mirage of something
that doesn't exist in your empty
heart.

Sadness replaces love
all the time
until you realize
WHO
you are
HOW
you got here
WHO
doesn't care
and how you can
make it back
up from being so
low.

Friendship is void
of anyone
you actually call
FRIENDS
because at all
TIMES
in all
SITUATIONS
in all
OCCASIONS
you now
realize that you
are always
alone.

Time has won
because it goes on
and who we used to
BE
has no
MEANING
has no
DEPTH
but is not
EMPTY
because it goes on
It goes forward
as we should in
anything.

And Time defines
your DREAM
your RULE
your HAPPINESS
your LOVE
your SADNESS
your FRIENDSHIP
so you must
take them back
as time goes forward
before you lose
everything.

Your American DREAM
should RULE
your HAPPINESS
shine on your LOVE
deal with your SADNESS
define your FRIENDSHIP
as you take YOU back
let time go FORWARD
and never lose
your
something.

A love letter to my son...

I'm not sure where to start
I'm not sure this will ever end
But I know my life wasn't complete
Until the day that yours began

You have grown into your own person
Full of your own hopes and dreams
You give me joy, you give me light
You gave me the very best part of me

Your wisdom is beyond your years
Your insight sometimes that of a grown man
Your faith takes all my worries away
You already know with Him, you CAN.

Through your eyes, I see a whole new world
Through your heart I can love so much more
With you beside me in all that I do
I don't know how I did it before.

The unconditional love for me
Even though my standard is high
You seem to know that I have that same love for you
Even when we're not in strong "like"!

The way you pour out your little heart
Has shown me it is in no way small
The way you care for every person you meet
The way you see with no boundaries, no walls...

God has blessed you with such amazing gifts
I will never take credit for any of those
Your love, your compassion, your talent, your path-
It is you, not I, that he chose.

The way you take it all before God
And let it go and know it is done
The faith, the hope, the love in your heart
You are blessed, amazing little one.

No money could ever give me this wealth
That I have achieved just having your love
Nothing could ever have made my life better
You don't even know all that you've done.

I told you that my lingering hope
is for you to be BETTER than me
And you asked, "Mommy, you are the best...
I don't think I could EVER be!"

You're sentiment, so endearing, yet so untrue
The world is yours to have at your feet
You are already better than I, my son
A heart and soul, so pure-so sweet.

You see, I would not be all that I am
Had I never been blessed with you
You give me renewed inspiration every day
A purpose in everything that I do.

My greatest fear is to let you down
To not measure up to who you deserve
To not be the role model you need in your life
To fail to return all that love.

All I can do is try my best
Teach you as well as I know now
I might not always be right everytime
But God will never let you down.

Do not ever put your trust in man
Even I, though I hope not to, will fail
The problem is not a problem for God
He will show you he always prevails.

And when you feel you have failed yourself
My son, don't ever look back
I'm not here to remind you of what you didn't do
I'm here to help you stay on track.

No words could ever correctly describe
The love in my heart for you
Not millions of hugs, kisses, or custom handshakes
Could show you the absolute truth.

I've never known a love like this
I'll be here to catch you should you ever fall.
You are the very best thing that I have
You are my love, my life, my ALL.

I hear you talking...

Girl-You got it all together for yourself
You got goals, dreams, and a vision so right
I just need to fit in to all of that
I need to feel like a part of your life

I hear you talking those words so sweet
You can serve bullshit, but I don't have to eat.

Girl-you are everything a man could ask for
You are everything anyone could want
I know I have a situation, and all
But despite my wife-it's all you...no front!

I hear you talking all the time
Same old story, same tired ass lines

Girl-how come you do so much with your friends
Why can't we do those things with each other?
I just want you, I need you-all of the time
They're just lonely haters-WE are together

I hear you talking about things you don't know
But when times get hard...where did YOU go?

Girl-I'm just trying to do my thing, you know?
I need a little support and a helping hand
I need you two hundred percent!
I'll pay you back threefold, when I can.

I hear you talking with not a dime to lend
But you want ME to be your personal ATM?

Girl-Don't listen to any of that nonsense you hear
It's all lies probably started by chicks from my past
They just don't want us to be happy
They know you and I are going to last.

I hear you talking about the birds of the feather,
But didn't you, with THEM, use to flock together?

Girl-that chick is CRAZY, I'm all stressed out
Baby Mama Drama you know how it is!
All she wants is my money or me
But all I want is to do right by my kids

I hear you talking-but why do you hate her now?
Doing right by your kids is putting her down?

Girl, why do we need to get married
You know you are my number one
Things are good, we are legit
A piece of paper will take away all the fun!

I hear you talking about what you think is right
But if I'm your one and ONLY, I should be your WIFE.

I hear you talking, believe me I hear
I hear you saying what's inside of you
Painting a picture so clearly
of You, the fool.

I hear you talking, the stories you tell
Original to you I'm sure YOU believe
But I've heard it all before
Same story, different lead.

I hear you talking, the things you say
I know I'm supposed to be so touched
I am, Oh I am-more than you know
So much so that I've had ENOUGH.

I hear from you, and you, and you
Same old stories just different day
I hear you talking, and you, and you
Too bad you just don't have NOTHING to SAY.

Of Course

Of course you are amazing

Simply the best

I could ever

Imagine

For me.

Of course you are the only one

How could I

Not save myself

Just

For you.

Of course I know that I am

Busy all the

Time with all

the "things"

I do.

Of course I'll have

time

One day for

You to come

and do

what you do.

Of course I think about

You all day

and all night

even when

Not with you.

Of course I want to

spend more time

getting to know

about you

and who you are.

Of course I know it

seems that I

don't know all

I should

but I do care.

Of course...

Of course...

Can you hold on while

I take this other

call-Sure to

be

business, of course...

Hello?

Hi...

Of course I was waiting

for you

to call me. I was

just handling some

business.

Of course I was missing

you and hoping

you would

call me soon

to talk to me.

Can you hold on
while I handle this
other call?
Of course it is
business...

Of course...

Of course...

Hello?

Hi...

Listen, you know I

just have to

handle this

call. Of course it's

business...

Of course I am missing
you and hoping
you will
see me soon
I'll get back with you.

Of course I'll call

you back at

the first

chance I get

when I get a moment.

Of course...

Of course...

Hello?

Hi...

Are you calling

because you are

on your way

to come

see me now?

Of course I want to

know about your

day and all

you did

today.

Of course you know

that I only have

a few moments

to spare

but I will for you.

Of course you should

just be on your way

and we'll talk

more

when you get here.

Of course I've been

waiting all week

to see you since

it's been so long

since I had time.

Of course I'd love to

get out but you know

I have so much

with so little

time.

Of course its just better

to spend private time

together so we don't

waste time out

together.

Of course...

Of course...

Of course you know my phone might ring-all business, of course...

Of course you know I might have to text while you're here-just business, of course...

Of course I'm listening to you. Yes I care, of course....

Of course I care about your life right now, of course...

Of course you are the only one right here, right now that I care about, of course...

Of course you know I'll be busy for awhile-business, of course...

Of course I can only make time for you-when not handling my business, of course...

Of course you are special to me right now...

Of course...

Of course...

Of course.

It's Okay

For all the times I've been hurt
All the things I've been through
I never wanted to be where I now stand
Inflicting pain and hurt on you.

I know what it's like to be used
to be taken for what I do and don't have
to be left without a fleeting thought
fo feel like I'm only good for what I give

I know how it feels when they all laugh and live
to feel like the world is passing me by
Trying to figure out where I fit in to it all
Wondering when I lost control of my life

I gave over and over to prove who I was
To somehow give "THINGS" as a symbol of love
to hopefully show my love in real magnitude
to hopefully be able to show who I was

And all that I gave is ALL that I lost
And it seemed I could get nothing back
While they got to enjoy what I gave
And on me? They turned their backs

My misery seemed to amuse them
my suffering seemed to be a mockery
and all that I gave of me-thrown right away
And it seemed the only person I had was me

So I turned my back on everybody
They turned their backs on me!
I had a right to be mad at all of them
Look what they did to me!

Nobody appreciated who I was
Nobody saw what I tried to do
And now, in my worst realization-
I've been "them" to you.

The anger helped me in the moment
But that didn't last for long
It shielded the most important thing
"They" didn't get me. I am strong.

So when I was down to nothing
I had to show myself who I was
I had to embrace all of those good things
Realize what I was really made of

And now you are reduced to that loneliness
To the emptiness where there should be life
And I have added to that pain
that rips through your soul like ice.

I too, once gave up on people
because they did nothing at all for me
because they took all I had to offer
And when I needed them, I only had me

Then I lashed out at them
They deserved to feel my wrath
They needed to know how much I gave of me
I wanted them to give SOMETHING back.

Some basically laughed right in my face
Scoffed and called it overreacting
They showed me what my need for them was
They didn't deserve anymore-ANYTHING-not from me.

Some had no idea of the anger I had inside
Seemed surprised I even had emotion so strong
Some declared they didn't ask for what I did
Accepted all of it-but now acted like I was wrong.

And then, a few TRUE friends, who listened to my rage
Offered an honest and sincere apology
Who honestly felt bad for taking me for granted
But promised to try to give back equally

You see-I know what it's like to be surrounded
But stand in the midst all alone
To look around and watch others move on
To stand-because I'm stuck in a hole.

I have held "them" in the back of my head
And tried to give you that same love-all of my heart
But all that I tried to give means nothing now
I tried. I failed. I fell apart.

But if I had never given to them
It would be impossible to give love to you
because I thought I could give you all that and more
I thought there was so much that I could do.

I failed you-it kills me through and through
I wanted to love you so differently
I wanted to give you more than I had-
I just pray that you accept my apology.

You're the last person I would ever want to hurt
You deserve the world and more
And because I haven't proven myself
If I have to-I will let you go.

It IS okay to get over all your hurt
It IS okay to be who you are
I will always be here, with all of my love
No matter the distance-I'll never be far.

But if you can find it in your heart
to let me try it again
I will love you for all that you are
Together we'll figure it out. We will live.

Please don't put limits on me-
I'm ready for whatever may come
And if I haven't said it enough
My life has been changed by your love

I love you-and I will let you go
If you desire and need to be free
I would wait a lifetime
You will always have me

And if I'm not the one for you
And you should find the one who is
She's the one who can give you all the world
Who brings you back to life again

I may not have the world to give
But I'm willing to give you my world
I'm willing to TRY to be that woman you need
And hopefully add another boy and two little girls :-)

I've held so much in-unfairly at your expense
BecauseI'm not sure now you know how I feel
I gave what I thought was all of me
To me-this is it. THIS is real.

I'm sorry for letting you down
This is not how I wanted it to be.
I see the amazing man that you are
And I thank you for loving me.

I see who you are, I know your heart
And you WILL make all of your dreams come true
Whatever it is you need or decide-I am here.
I'll never turn my back on you.

It's hard to bring this to an end
It seems impossible to say-
Whatever you have to do-I'm here
I'm not leaving-but whatever you do. It's OKAY.

I Can Go On Now

I'm not sure how to place the words
so that I can paint the story
of how I feel.

My heart-ripping in silent screams
But with the pain
Comes relief-so real.

The revelation. The TRUTH. Deafening.
I can't turn away
It's right in my face

I can't even grasp what has kept me
HERE. So Obviously-WRONG
So out of place.

Over and over-mistakes I have made
And I let you be my judge
the final word, yours.

Even if I hurt you in the process
It is only God's wrath I fear
Not you. Not anymore.

I let your expectations predict my actions
I let myself fail-but
the fault? It's mine.

I stood in the shadow you cast
over me-over my life
I've got to go. Now it is time.

I've held myself back. I've let myself down.
And as hard as I thought
I fought. I let you win.

I played the bad guy. Your villain.
Your excuse. YOU COWARD.
Not anymore. NEVER again.

Unlike you-I still see God in this plan
in trying to destroy me
HE didn't let me go

He gave me another chance to be me
You don't see his mercy
You don't even know!

The things you try to place on me
that Ugliness-it's not me.
Look. LOOK. It's YOU

I just followed the poor example
The immaturity, selfishness
Not me. NOT ME. YOU!!

No more heaviness in my heart
my soul-I'm setting it free.
You have no control.

Face your own demons. Fight your OWN self.
I've got to fly away
You can't use me. NO MORE.

Blood ties us together...but love??
Not from you. That's NOT
what you have given or shown

It is what has made me feel bound
You have had my love, respect-
And I thought you had GROWN.

I will love you and forgive you
because-you AREN'T in control
I am now-NOT YOU.

I will believe you can change
Your ways. Your heart.
Everything you do.

My energy. My passion. My heart.
You have had it.
I have had ENOUGH.

Thank you for the strength. Understanding.
Of what I have endured.
Thank you SO much.

All the while I thought it was over
God still had a lesson
For ME. In YOUR ugliness

I still didn't allow him to reveal
Opportunities. I let go.
of MY happiness.

I see it now-Oh THANK YOU GOD
I know where I can go
I know what to do.

Who are YOU going to hold down now?
There is no one to punish
YOU have to deal with YOU.

May God bless you in your journey
as he deals with ALL OF YOU
All of YOUR "things"

I'll pray for your strength
Pray for Your Soul
I don't need YOU to pray for me.

I have everything, everyone I
could ever need
Not you-go your way please

Thank you for the clarity
Thank for for the strength
I can go on now-
You don't get to stand in my way.

Good-bye to hurt, pain, shame.
Hello to life renewed.
I can go on now-
I'm over it. I'm PAST YOU.

I cannot remove you from my life
But I can move my life from you
I can go on now-
Good-by to what you tried to do.

Now you have to deal with you.

I'm going on now-will you move on too?


You don't have to-
I can go on now.

Do whatever you need to do.

And if you decide to stay-
I can go on now.

Do it your way.

Yesterday was yours, maybe also today-
I can go on now.

Tomorrow is mine. MY way.

No hard feelings, no regrets-
I can go on now

And what you deserve-YOU WILL GET.

I can go on now.
Good-bye.

I can go on now.



1/27/2008
MAH
8:43 PM

Ecstasy

Ecstasy has replaced the fantasies
Fantasies have become the reality
Of the fusion of our bodies
As our souls are laced
In the strongest
Concentrated
Substance
That our love dissolves with ease

My body becomes one with your body
Your body is my sanctuary
Adulterated by my lust
Beautifully tainted
by my passion that
Devours
Ravages
Your being while drowning you in this sea of erotic love

As you beat the rhythm into my thighs
You send the pounding pulse inside
And my moans become the screams
That translate your melody
Into my harmony
Bridging the
Arch
That contorts my body to the beat of your drum

As the sweat pours over your beautiful face
As the sweet sap pours out of my place
My pleasure is so intense
As your tongue tastes the
Nectar that
Overflows
Engulfs
And immerses you in the pond of my pleasure

And as I talk to your body with my tongue
And take you into my mouth as I wait
For an eruption from my indulgence
To free your urgency
On my flesh
In my flesh
Swallowed
With the thirst that can only be satisfied by YOU


You grab my hips with the hands
That will pierce my flesh with pain
As you satisfy my craving
To be punished
Chastised
Overpowered
Asphyxiated
By the tempestuous passion that hurts so good


And then my screams surge to deafening clamor
And the intensity of your pulse accelerates into one beat
The slapping of our skins is muted
As the enchantment begins to
Suffocate
Intoxicate
Entrance
Our bodies into delectable satisfaction

You are inside me and you are inside me
I am around you and and I am through you
We are connected in physicality
Consummated in our love
Hypnotized
Mesmerized
Captivated
And entranced by the lust that will not be controlled.

Our fantasy is in our ecstasy
Our reality is a fantasy
Of the fusion of our lives
As we entangle our desires
Completely
Entirely
Savagely
In the beauty of our vicious eroticism.

Beat me with your deepest desires
Execute me from the inside out
Let me retaliate with my warmth
Let me wreak havoc with my hips
Molest me
Lick me
Punish me
FUCK ME into oblivious, pleasurable, suffocating SILENCE.



10/22/2008, MAH

Is it you?

Is it you?

9 o’clock in the evening

I hope to be tired

My mind never rests

My heart pounds harder by the second

The needs of my body are unheard

I put all my hope in two little pills that

May or may not bring rest.

Physical rest.

Do you miss me tonight?

Do you remember the daily talks, laughs, conversations.

Why can’t I get you out of my head.

Is it you?

10 o’clock in the evening

The quiet time I dread

The time when my mind takes over

Memories flood the cavity of all other thoughts

They take over everything about anything

I feel no effects from the pills

I feel that my body needs stillness

Are you laying in bed?

Are you missing me like this?

Is it you?

11 o’clock in the evening

Nothing.

Not even the slightest hint of drowsiness

Tears come and go

Frustration looms

Sadness hovers

Sleep nowhere to be found

Are you angry with me?

Are you mad because I haven’t called?

Was I a waste of your time?

Is it you?

Midnight

The TV is on

The sound is turned down

The picture is clear

I see nothing.

I close my eyes hoping for rest

I toss and turn hoping to fall off into sleep

You will not leave my thoughts

You will not leave my mind

Is it you?

1 o’clock in the morning

My heart is beating so fast

I can’t hear anything but the pounding

Inside my head

The house is creaking

For one moment I wonder

If someone came in

Or did you just enter my dreams?

Did you bust into the realm of my unpeaceful rest?

Is it you?

2 o’clock in the morning

I fight to get back to sleep

Even if just for a fleeting moment

It’s sleep

Empty space with no thoughts

Quiet time in my head

But I long for your touch

I long to hold you

To touch you

To graze my lips against yours

I long to hear you say “I love you”

Is it you?

3 o’clock in the morning

I tell the thoughts of my mind to go away

I chase the hurt feelings out of my heart

I open the door for anger

I welcome in the frustration

I allow rage to push away the loneliness

And even in anger-

I miss you.

I pray for you.

I want to know if you are happy.

I want to know if you think of me at all.

I want to know if I can’t get you out of my mind

Because you can’t get me out of yours.

Is it you?

4 o’clock in the morning

I give up the illusion of rest

I give up on taking things day by day

I let go of hoping each day is better

It’s all one endless period of time

Time without you

Time without the love I crave

Time that I am left to my own thoughts

Left to my own conclusions

Left to my own assumptions

Are you sleeping well?

Are you going to wake and tell someone else

Good morning and have a good day?

Are you going to wake up and wait for me to call?

Is it you?

5 o’clock in the morning

It is time to start another day

Another day that I trudge through each moment

Trying to pretend like I don’t spend every second

Missing you.

Trying to find something else to occupy my time

Instead of waiting for you to text me.

Hoping every call is you

Waiting for this nightmare to be over

Waiting for my life to be right again.

Have these thoughts awoken you as well?

Is it you?

And as 6, 7, 8, 9 and every hour comes and goes

It will be one hour closer to the time

That I can try again and

Hope for rest

Hope for peace

Hope for sleep

I will pray all day

I will think of you all day

I will cry on the inside all day

I will wonder what you are doing all day

I will hope that there is no one to replace the space

That I hope I have in your heart.

I will tell myself that it is getting easier

When I know and feel in my heart and all of my soul

That this day is no better than the last

I will smile on the outside

When on the inside I can’t find anything to smile about

I will do what I’m supposed to do

While I am secretly dying on the inside

I will push harder for the things I want

And pretend like I am newly motivated

When really it’s all I can do to keep from falling apart

I will wonder all day if you think of me

I will wonder all day if you know I think of you

I will hope that you still love me

I will hope that you know that I will always love you

I will still dream of our future

I will hope that you still think we have a future too

I will fight myself with the thought that this is over

I will talk myself into believing that you will come back to me

I will criticize myself because I feel so dumb

I will yell at myself because I have become so dull without you

Is it you?

Is it me hoping it is you?

Are we still connected so much that I know when you hurt..

I know when you are angry…

I know when you are frustrated…

But not connected enough for me to know that

There was no connection for you?

Is it you?

Is your pain like my pain?

Is your frustration like my frustration?

Is your love like my love?

Do I just hope it is like mine so that I can hold on to a glimpse

Of what I think still can be?

Is it you?

Are you here?

Will you come back?

Have you let go?

Is it you?

What do you want?

What do you need?

What can I do?

Is it you?

Or is my mind running in hopelessness

Is my heart hurting because the truth is that you are not part of me

Is my body running purely on undefined emotion

That stops me from eating, sleeping, or even being

in any way affected by the things that should slow me?

Will the questions ever stop?

Will the pain ever go away?

Will my heart beat again in the way that it did

So freely before?

Is it you?

Please.

Is it you?

8/21/08

5:38 a.m.

Sleeping pill

I have to

REST.

I can not
should not
will not

try to quiet this commotion in my mind.

There is NO silence
NO escape
NO end

to the confusion that repeats and replays with no sympathy
for

the body

that

is NOT able
can NOT function
will NOT go anymore

BECAUSE

the nerves,
the hurt,
the pain,
the feelings-

DON'T REST.

SLEEPING PILL
please come and mute the cantankerous
rambuctious
misery that
will NOT be weakened
by the pity my heart cries out.

SLEEPING PILL
muffle the pangs of angst
the sharpness of neglect
the piercing stab of abandonment

SLEEPING PILL
turn down the volume on
cries of anger
hurt
and dry these endless tears.

PLEASE
be my temporary answer to this
PERMANENT PAIN
so that this body can

rest. Wake up. Fight itself through the endless,
painstaking,
excruciating day.

And then I will call on you
AGAIN
To ease the pain you did not cause
but only you can take the

MISERY
and hold it.

Until I do it all again.

SLEEPING PILL
GIVE ME unreasonable
restless
REST.

8.7.2008

August Seventh. Two thousand and eight
Five Thirty-Seven p.m.
How many things happened at that moment?
Lives began, lives came to an end.

One moment not appreciated
thousands of moments yet to lose
Time take for granted
Everything changes-old becomes new.

Time used to be fleeting
Happiness and love overflowing my heart
now every moment is an eternity
Now this time tears me apart

Each free moment used to be fantasy
Imagining the perfection of our lives intertwined
Now free moments incarcerate my soul
Now freedom is the greatest enemy of my mind.

I used to expect what each moment would bring
I used to be able to predict the course of my day
I used to bask in the comfort of your love
I want that back-I don't want this pain.

Each day my mind recorded every little thing
so that I could recount it all back for you
Even though we were physically apart
You were right here with me-I HAD you.

When I woke early in the morning
and thanked God for another beautiful day
I also thanked him for the love of my life
Thanked him for answering all of my prayers

There are not many constants day to day
But I found comfort in being with you
Every challenge. Anything. I could face it
I had your arms to fall into

I was so sure that this was right
It was too perfect to be close to wrong
I finally found the completion to this hole in me
I finally felt like I had somewhere to belong

It wasn't always easy to get through things
But I knew our love would be put through some tests
I knew we each had things that would come and go
I just knew our relationship would be blessed

Now-each day is just a day
Time that I wish would just pass
Time I wish I could rewind
I need time to slow down. This all happened so fast.

I miss the freedom in my happiness
I miss the excitement of being in love
Mostly-I just miss all of you
I still don't know what I could have done

My mind has not stopped searching
I just don't know how to feel
I can not rest. I can not comprehend.
This hurt can not be real.

That day-That very moment
Who can say all that happened right then
8.7.2008...5:37 p.m.
Life as I LOVED IT came to an end.

You...Me

You…Me


There is a place to show you
The depth of my love
Not in this world below
But in the clouds above

Not in the intensity of blowing winds
Not in the midst of downpour
Not when the snowflakes fall steadily
But up above the storm

If I could take you with me
Up into the sky
I could show you my love
How I see you through my eyes

The perfection that breeds in nothing
The peace that exists in complicated simplicity
The joy that screams out in serenity
This, my love, is you and me.

The clouds roll on into forever
The sunset touches eternity
The beauty is a million lines
That walk hand and hand infinitely

There are millions of billows of softness
There are countless valleys and hills
There are places where it looks to be noisy
There are places where it seems so still

In one glance it all looks so simple
But there is so much to see
It goes on and on forever
This-is you and me

I want to hold you among the softness
I want to touch you tenderly
I want to feed you this taste of beauty
This is our love-heavenly.



In this vast sea of nothing
I see so many things
I see forever so clearly
I see the story of you and me

A picture displayed in perfection
A song sung in perfect harmony
A story with the happiest ending
The love inside you and me

As I look into the clouds
There is so much to see
Maybe nothing to someone
To me? Everything

I can show you this concretely
This work of art, natural and true
So wonderful I want to see it forever
It is my love for you

As the lights come through the clouds
And end my fantasy
I remember the world around me
Back to jaded reality

I escaped into my heart
For those precious moments in the sky
A picture that painted my love for you
Can you see it? Can you try?

The clouds tell an enduring story
Of love that never ends, never dies
It is the amazing beauty that I see
Every time I look into your eyes

As amazing as the endless clouds
Look into my heart and see
That you define perfection
As divine as the sunset and clouds as they meet

The view that I see is breathtaking
When I look at you it is the same
You are the place where my heart runs freely
It is with you that I am safe


My words could go on forever
Like the beautiful clouds I see
A simple view, yet so much within
This-is you and me

As the clouds roll on forever
Creating a perfect piece of art
I’ve seen the beauty I couldn’t explain
I’ve seen the love inside my heart

As the sound of your voice fills my ears
And beauty is before me as far as I can see
I have found peace that lies within you
This is you. This is me

Come with me into the clouds
Let us travel above the storm
Feed on this delicate ecstasy
It is you-I am at home.

When you want to see my love
Escape into the clouds and see
We are intertwined in heavenly perfection
I am you. You are me.



Written January 17, 2008.
When I believed in us more than anything.
I still do.

Repossession of the Heart

One day there was a conversation
you said "Miss, can you help me please?
Somebody has stolen my heart away"
I said "Sir-who could it be?"

You composed the perfect response
You gave a sweet description of me
I asked you if you wanted your heart back
You replied, "No it's safe, hers to keep"

In jest I replied to you,
"If I could I'd give you mine,
but my heart is absent from me too-
I have given it away for life"

"You see, the strangest thing happened to me
I met an angel right here on earth
I gave him my heart, to have and to hold
He'll keep it safe, he knows it's worth"

These silly little quips between us
That now I miss more than you could know
somehow this one sticks in my mind
This one, I can't let go

Even when we were joking
My words always came from deep inside
There was never anything to play about
I was serious about giving you my life

These words and others repeat themself
In silence, these are the things I still hear
All the things we ever shared
All the things that I hold so dear

Where does all the love go?
How does it end so fast
How do I take what I thought my life was
And throw it into the past

How did you just end it all?
Where did you lose sight of me?
When did you stop believing in us?
Why was it so easy for you to leave?

My head won't believe it was nothing
All the plans and dreams we shared
How could you throw me away like this?
How can you go on, and not even care?

I can not just let go of you
My mind fights it day to day
My heart still belongs completely to you
My soul pleads for this emptiness to fade

I trusted you, I believed in you
I never thought that I would end up here
I never thought you would treat me like this
I never thought you could be so cruel

I don't know what you are going through
Is it so bad that you had to just leave?
What did I do that turned you away
Tell me something, talk to me PLEASE?!

Everyday-this one conversation
plays over and over, I can't get it to stop
Do you remember what we had together?
Do you know you still have my heart?

I never expected to give all of me
I never expected to find someone as perfect as you
and I never would have expected to be right here
Alone-wondering, what did I do?

So all that I have, is all that we were
I still hope it's what we can be
I don't want a life that isn't with you
But I can't make you want that with me

I love you completely with all that I am
I would give you all that I have
You could have had my heart for a lifetime
You still have it, I can't take it back.

The Stream

The Stream

The path has no direction
you can either come or you can go
you can choose to find the place
where the stream just flows and flows


You can go walk along the banks
you can go where the water flows
you can turn and go against it
It will not stop, it has to go


The water flows without effort
across the rocks, over fallen trees
there is no diversion that can stop it
it keeps on going-no reprieve


The water flows in silence
But if you listen, a sweet melody you hear
It sings of it's endless journey
it tells of all the places far and near


There are places when it was almost still
There are places the turbulence was too much to bear
There are places when there was so much around
And places like this, with almost nothing there


As the water draws me closer
There is something that I see
As my flowing tears fall into the flowing stream
There is a reflection-that is me.


There is a path that brought me here
It's the direction I chose to follow
And right here where it meets the stream
my reflection haunts me as I try to drown my sorrows.


The trees, the path-just EVERYTHING
around the stream it's just TOO still
This is my life drawn in nature's perspective
Life is moving. But I'm stuck here.

The water has no sorrow
for my pain, or this suffocating misery
It absorbs my tears, holds my reflection
It will not let me hide from ME


It takes my pain and suffering
And adds it to the end of it's own melody
It keeps on going as the current is thrusting
It keeps on moving, oblivious to me


My soul wants the stream to stop
My heart screams for it to let me just be
My mind doesn't want to embrace this
Let me go...leave me to my own suffering!


I can't move on like you do
I can't get through all these rocks in my path
And where all the trees have fallen down
I can't get over them, I don't have the strength!


So leave me, let me stay still here
Let me cry out and scream in my own misery
Let my sadness rip through my broken heart
Let me suffer. Let me grieve!


And as I scream out all my angst
The water moves without pausing for me
It swallows my screams, absorbs my pain
It moves through my soul with the same steady ease.


I don't know how I got here
so I can not continue to go
I can not flow through everyday
I hate the questions, I have to know!!


I'm not strong enough to keep up with the current
I'm not brave enough to accept my new truth
I just want to go back to how things were
I want my life back-I don't want anything new


The water still does not wait for me
It does not stop to listen to me groan
It flows on without entertaining my pleas
I hear what it's telling me. Yes, I know


I have to go on when I don't want to
I have to keep going when there seems to be no way
I have to keep fighting for everything I am
But I can't do it, not today


I need the strength of that small stream
I need the current to push me through
I need to stop letting life pass me by
I need to get up, I have to move


I hear what the stream is telling me
I see it go on without knowing the path
I hear it quieting the cries from my soul
I see that this way, I just won't last.


I'm getting up to move with my own current
I don't know where I'm going to end up
But I have to get through this place in my life
I have to keep going, I cannot stop.


Wherever the current takes me
I know that I will not be led astray
I will find the will to keep going
I will find it. I will find my way.


My path does have a direction
I have come and now I am ready to go
The stream has showed me what to do
Pick up my heart and put down the sorrow


I don't know exactly where I'm going
I don't know in the end, where I'll be
But the stream shows me my reflection
The stream won't allow crippling misery


I don't know the rocks that will be in my way
I don't know how I'll get through the fallen trees
But the stream lifts me up and soars through my soul
The stream will not let me give up on ME.

The Archived Poems-The Date

over the next few days I will be posting some of the poems I spoke about. They will be called "The archived poems".

This poem was written in 1993. The story is completely fictional-I was never raped as a teenager and never raped in a situation such as this. I was 15 years old, and although the situation was fictional-my feelings about this subject were real. I had been through this-but as a much younger child.

The date

The hall is full of laughter

People everywhere

She stands there all alone

Trying to pretend not to care

Inside she’s feeling empty

Not ready to be known

But after all she’s been through

She’s mature and she has grown

Her family couldn’t care less

Is that why it hurts so much

She can’t stand all the people

She can’t stand to be touched.

There, over there he is

Laughing with his friends

She remembered when she too was there

He made it all end

They really liked each other

Ready to see it through,

She realized he was not the one

He wanted to do things she couldn’t do

She tried to tell him no

It started as a date

He pretended not hear her

And, savagely, she was raped

She told her friends and family

She that it was true

He made her look like a liar

Pretending he had suffered too

He said she just wanted attention

Just to make him look bad,

She wished that she could tell him,

He was soon to be a dad.

Abortion was her only choice

Killing an innocent child

She couldn’t allow this child to live

For the love for it would only be mild

Her friends turned against her

His story they chose to believe

“why me” she cried out in the night

She had been hurt, lied on, and deceived

There was nothing she could do

Only she knew the story

She had to endure and live it through

Some day she would rise in glory

She has no friends but herself

All this because of his lust

Raped, pregnant, hurt inside

Now who could she trust?

Someday she will tell her tale

And then they’ll know her side

He’ll be the one who suffers

For all the tears she cried

11/6/93

Reflection

In my reflection
I wish you could see
The image I look at
My perception of me

I wish you could feel
The pain that I’ve seen
The hurt that I’ve carried
So many bad things

The girl in the mirror
Looks at the woman in awe
Of all that she’s been through
So many things have went wrong

I see the image of myself
I see what other people see
I know what’s behind those eyes
Only I really know me

I stand with my shoulders back
I stand with my head held high
Nothing more to be ashamed of
No more angry tears to cry


I see a mended heart
I see a complete soul
Only the scars of what I have endured
Those wounds now make me whole

I see a woman who can love
She tells the girl it is okay
I see a woman who has opened up
She makes the girl feel safe

I see a girl, once defeated
Sadness and fear ruled her ways
The woman now carries the banner
Victory is hers, every day

The woman now can see clearly
Nothing has ever went wrong
Things happened as they were supposed to
Now she sings a new song

The woman sees the girl
Exactly for who she really is
A person with nothing to be ashamed of
Just scared to let herself live

The woman inside me is ready
To take that girl by the hand
To tell her that everything was for a reason
To let her know we have walked in his plan

All the hurt has made me stronger
All the fear has made me wise
All the things I’ve been through
I see it, still in my own eyes

With all those things behind me
I’m ready to move in his will
I’m ready to face my enemies
My spirit can never again be killed

I used to look at my reflection with anger
I used to look at myself and wonder why
I used to look at myself and get angry
I used to look at myself and ask God, “WHY?”

Now I look at a woman
Complete, with a renewed spirit and soul
Now I embrace my reflection
Finally, I am whole.

In my reflection
It’s time to let go
Of the past that I let hold me down
I’m taking the past, it’s time to grow


In my reflection
I wish you could see
The image I look at
My perception of me

IN my reflection
Now I can see
An image of wholeness
A warrior who never accepted defeat

In my reflection
Now I can see
My perception was clouded
I do have the victory

In my reflection
Look and see
The girl in the shadows
The woman who set her free

In my reflection
Yes, I see
Strength, Pride, and Love
Now I see me.



11/26/2007
M.A. H.

Many Shades of Stupid

How many shades do you think that there are
Before you realize I know?

How many times do you want to lie in my face
Before you show signs of having some sense?

Of course she doesn’t live with you…there would be nowhere for her to be.
You sit up under her and play house all the time. Her house is your house-
And some man’s baby makes three.

Shade ONE

Your sisters should count themselves so lucky…to have a brother like you.
Running around for babies you didn’t make and pushing me to the side for all
The bullshit YOU perpetrate. If I had a brother like you-I wouldn’t need YOU.

Shade TWO.

Your mama should count herself a lucky one…a boy that comes running
at every request. You just might want to let her know you’re with her
before she starts running around to clean up your mess. A mama’s boy-
who would have guessed?!!

Shade THREE



To further go down the shades that have passed
Would only make this thing worse than it is

It would only remind me of what I have done
It would only remind me I’ve been dealing with a grown ass kid

How many shades of stupid
Do you plan to try to color me today?

How many times can you lie in my face
Before you expect me to confess…

How many things to do you want to try
To stay here when you are clearly in my way

How many ways do I have to say
Get the FUCK ON AND TAKE ALL YOUR MESS.


MAH
Aug 2006

**Thank you Mr. Williams for the inspiration! :-)

I wish

I WISH I COULD TELL HIM IM SORRY
I WISH I COULD TELL HIM I WAS WRONG
I WISH I COULD TAKE MY WORDS BACK
I WISH THAT I COULD BE STRONG

I WISH I WAS STRONG ENOUGH TO FIX THIS
I WISH I COULD SEE HIS FACE
I WISH I COULD TAKE THE PAIN AWAY
I WISH I WASN’T IN THIS PLACE

I WISH HE HAD ASKED ME TO STAY
I WISH HE WANTED TO BE HERE
I WISH THAT HE WANTED ME THE SAME
I WISH I COULD STOP THESE TEARS

I WISH THAT I WASN’T SO DISTANT
I WISH I COULD HAVE HIM TO HOLD
I WISH THAT I HAD ANOTHER CHANCE
I WISH I WOULDN’T HAVE LET GO

I WISH HE DIDN’T FIND SOMEONE NEW
I WISH IT WASN’T THAT EASY TO GO ON
I WISH THAT I HAD KNOWN WHAT I HAD
I WISH THIS HURT TO BE GONE

I WISH FOR HIM TO FIND “HER”
I WISH FOR HIM TO BE HAPPY
I WISH THAT ALL HIS WISHES COME TRUE
I WISH THAT HIS WISH WAS ME
~MAH

Written at an interesting time...2006