What difference does it make?

I think it's safe to say that most of us have posed this mostly rhetorical question a time or five. Let me get right to the toe-stepping: if you've made this statement-YOU are an asshole.

I'm not judging you, I'm not labeling you-all I'm saying is that the moment you made that statement to whomever you made it to, in that same moment you reached asshole status. You can quit reading now, or we can discuss.

Usually, if you have to pose this question-it's too late to make the difference, but you're asking someone to accept something outside of what is acceptable and "what difference does it make" actually means "Just deal with it!" Guess you're wondering what type of scenarios I'm speaking of? Or maybe you're trying to decide if there's a scenario that I'm NOT speaking of.

I hear parents saying this a lot of times about things pertaining to their children. "What difference does it make if I buy X label or Y label for your school supplies?" Well in this instance, probably not much as far as performance goes but you're teaching your children to question authority, to ask questions when given instruction, and to assume they know what's best when a suggestion has been given. See what I'm saying?

I heard somebody say "What difference does it make if I pay him back today or in a month?". Well obviously he isn't getting his money today, but the difference is that that person didn't have to let you borrow any money at all. The difference is whatever you needed that money for, you got it and you took it for selfish reasons and now you want to be upset that they expect you to honor YOUR word when they did what YOU asked? The difference is the next time you need some money, I hope you have more friends because you're going to be without whatever it is that you got.

Many a time I've heard a woman griping about that man that she's been with forever and he wants to know "What's the difference if we're married or not?" How about being able to show someone before God that you are committed? I understand that a piece of paper shouldn't change a relationship but sometimes it does. I've been the friend for more than one of my friends to whom I've had to share that the person they ARE is certainly not the person they were before marriage. And if you get stuck in this situation, you didn't do enough research on that person to make sure you know who he/she is through and through. A piece of paper doesn't solidify your commitment, but it sure makes you responsible for what happens if you don't RESPECT it. Chances are if you have a man or woman asking what's the difference, the difference is they don't want to be married because they aren't acting like a person who WANTS to be married SHOULD. Chances are that your biggest problem probably isn't commitment, it's probably fidelity and trust.

How about the man/woman carrying on a relationship with someone while BEING married. "What's the difference if I'm married or not, I'm here with you". The difference is the man/woman you're with doesn't get any benefit that you bring to the married table. The difference is that everything that other man/woman does for you is in fact beneficiary to YOUR spouse. The difference is that your spouse is entitled to everything you have and the only thing your OTHER is entitled to is hurt feelings and a letter from you stating how many community service hours they gave you because what they did for you, no matter how much or how little, was for FREE. If anything they did for you was to benefit you, they also did it to benefit you and YOUR family that they are not a part of. The difference is that if you want to be married, you should be married and they should be looking at you and realizing you aren't spouse material ANYWAY. The difference is that the person you are with is part of YOUR wrongdoing and is that someone suitable to be with anyway? Is that someone whose judgment you should trust? Is it someone you're going to always run over because they allowed you to deem them as #2 to your #1? And if you are the guilty party-have you somehow convinced yourself that this is different? I'd go ahead and substitute "different" for "stupid". True enough, you can't help who you love. But you can help HOW you love WHO you love.

How about when we ask ourselves "WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?". If you are asking yourself that question, you are second guessing yourself...and if YOU can't stand up to YOU, chances are you get asked this question often and it is rhetorical because the other person knows the answer. NONE. When you have to ask yourself this, you are now asking yourself to settle for a circumstance you had previously deemed unsatisfactory. If you have to ask yourself this, you've moved off the asshole platform straight into Stupid county, located in Settling City. All locations you will find blogs about right here to the right -------->.

Is the question "what difference does it make?" or is the question "what difference do YOU make?"

If the answer is NONE, then you are in the wrong place, at the wrong moment...

at the RIGHT TIME.

What difference do I make? A big difference. So much so that after most have existed in my world, they don't want to exist anywhere else.

What difference do they make?

Some.
None.
All.


I'm still learning. The biggest difference is me.

I'm not who I used to be.
I don't know what I'm going to be.
But I know how to just be.

What's the difference?

Craig...I'm addicted to your list.

Ok...this post will be like none other you've ever read. The behavior I'm about to explain...MY behavior that I'm about to explain, is like none other you've ever read, I've ever written about, or that you've ever expected. There will be some straight up offensive language, material, and topics in this post. If you're not up for it-please stop reading. The only reference to God I'm going to make is RIGHT HERE to just say please forgive me for posting this nonsense, but now that I'm done with it, I have GOT to get this off my chest.

Okay? Disclaimer is done...

If you're still reading, you're a pervert in my book or so nosy that you are now no longer allowed to judge me or make comments of the judgemental type. This happened on accident.

Of course when working in a professional setting or maintaining a professional setting for your business there are firewalls. Now there are tools that will tell you what type of sites are visited most often, blocked most often...blah blah blah. I happened to see Craigslist getting hit multiple times, so in an effort to maybe unblock since I use this site for advertising, etc...I click on the link.

HOLY BUCKETS, JESUS. IS THAT A PENIS ON CRAIGSLIST??
I quickly close out and confirm YES, this site should be blocked.

Now, this was around the time I was looking for houses-and on my handy dandy new android phone, there is a Craigslist app. So, since I had found a house-I went to delete the notifications...and then the addiction started. Here is where I start confessing...and this is where you start judging...BEAT IT.

I added new notifications to my list, Craig. I added casual encounters...trying to see if I can see who is around me that's either a pervy poster or a pervy responder. That's how it started. Then as I was reading the foolishness and they referenced other spots, I added those to. So, in completion-I was getting notifications of the casual encounters, men for men, men for women, women for men, women for women, and misc romance.

Now listen, since the Chief left-my social life has taken a complete nosedive. I didn't realize how much of the freetime I don't have I spent with him. I didn't realize how much he actually DOES get me and how much I kind of preferred his company to anyone else's. My closest friends are cupcaked up and now married, and my other friends-well, they're just others. In the departure of the Chief and their kind of disregard for him, or asking WHEN I was going to move on let me know that 1-they didn't take my feelings for him seriously, 2-even if they did take my feelings for him seriously they are some disrespectful clucks, 3-I really am at a different place where people that don't GET the big picture don't really interest me anymore. I'll give them a call when I want to go party-but since they can't seem to find anything more worthwhile or more important-I'm not that moved to be around them much. Spectator friends-that's a blog for another day.

Now let me say this-I didn't even know there was a personals section on Craigslist until some crazy chick I used to work with would meet her guy friends there. I thought it was crazy then, and do NOT EVER BE CONFUSED-I still think it's crazy now!! When she was all beside herself cause the dude turned out to be one night stands disguised as genuine dudes, or crazy-trains that were addicted to porn and internet-I laughed on the inside at her.

Listen, I'm sure people have some really rewarding, successful, and e-xcellent relationships from meeting someone online. Hell, we put our pics up on Facebook, Twitter, all kinds of stuff. BUT THERE ARE PRIVACY CONTROLS! I mean, even at the dating sites, I get the idea that if I pay and someone else pays, then we can be mutually viewed as two people who are invested in trying to find love and are serious about finding prospects. BUT CRAIGSLIST?? CRAIGSLIST IS FREE!!

I won't share pictures, although let me tell you-these people post some pictures OK!!! I mean face shots, body shots...and every other kind of perverted shot you could think of-they are on Craigslist. Here are some sample postings...again-this is some x-rated, crazy, weird ass shit...excuse the language there is no other words to explain. I have to get my thoughts out...I just have to.

First of all, every woman in America should be reading these posts. I promise 80% of the postings are MARRIED MEN looking for some "gay-play". I can't BELIEVE how many people are scavengers for these poor military men, and I am the MOST dumbfounded at MILITARY GUYS posting pics of their face AND their business!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!! And the weird fetishes, just weird. So, if I judge by my CL education, I'd say most gay guys shave down there. Can you guys pass this on to your straight counterparts? There are some postings where the guys want a HAIRY man. I'm always a little tickled by the men that want a "straight acting" man to come be a bottom or top for them. AND, for the love of all things, MEN, stop posting in the MEN FOR MEN and saying something stupid like "Straight married man for head". Newsflash SUGAR, heavy on the SUGAR-YOU ARE NOT STRAIGHT. If you like to put your shit in another man's ANYTHING that isn't his wife or girlfriend, YOU ARE GAY. Miss me with the bi-curious thing too. It's a nice way of saying you're greedy when it comes to sex. I'll take try-sexual, but bi? NO. Then I started realizing that some of these men post for men and women in different sections (see why it's important to cross reference?).

Now, the transgender and cross dressers-I have seen some that definitely made me pause because they were quite convincing. There is nothing more disturbing than seeing a lady in a shirt and skirt, a lady in some lingerie, and then that lady with her legs open and her dick at full attention. I mean, if that gave me pause-I kind of feel for the men that might have been looking like I.

I'd like to just slap some of the women on Craigslist. I mean, buy a fucking clue you desperate clucks. REALLY. I'm sorry. I warned you at the beginning, I swear I did. First of all, you white women that are so hard up for a BBC (Big black cock), I mean really-how many trucks have ran over your face with all 18 wheels? It can't be that hard. And conversely, I"m also amused by the people that say "Absolutely no-whites, blacks, BBW (Big Beautiful Women), shorter than XYZ, taller than XYZ", and the disclaimers "Please be GL (Good looking) cause I AM!" Really? That's why you're posting on a free site that your co-workers, kids, PASTORS, or anybody could be looking at? I mean no WONDER it was easy for a killer to target somebody...is it really this bad to date?

When people say things like "Looks don't matter". I assume they are one inch away from looking like they walked out of a special effects trailer to be THAT ugly, or a Dr. Phil reject to be that insecure. I mean, really-you would rather really try these things with a stranger than someone you might be comfortable with?? But I do love the disclaimer that they have been told that they are good looking. Then why can't you do freaky stuff with the people that tell you that?!!

The couples kind of confuse me. You are a couple, you want to bring another person or persons in to spice up your sex life. UM...ok. To each his own. I mean, the women that are looking for another chick to do their man-that's some self confidence right there. How do you know this chick wouldn't come in and turn him out? And you get to be a witness to the last time your man was looking at you like you could do something and the beginning of him looking at you sideways because he's been missing out. If you guys have a great relationship, why is HE or SHE looking for someone else. Look in the mirror, point, and say DUMMY. If I'm being real-that's the type of thing you do on a whim and never see that person again and you do it, it's done, you just don't speak of it again.

Now, there are some trends that go on that I have just been totally perplexed by. First-double penetration. I have decided that the two guys doing this have to be try-sexual. I mean, are you getting off on your stuff being in the a or b hole, or are you really getting off by the other piece that's rubbing on YOUR piece.

Fisting? Um, I'm scared of dongs that are too big. If somebody tried to put a fist in my stuff, I'd put a fist in their face. And the men that do this...I'm just terribly confused. TERRIBLY.

Squirting...this has actually become a new obsession of mine. Obviously this is HOT activity by the number of men that seek the women that can do this-but how do you confirm? I mean maybe all women can squirt...but what do you ask for to verify? Video?? Let's meet, greet, squirt?? Hmmm...I'm just curious if all women CAN do it, and if so-I've been robbed.

Then, there are various places where couples or freaky posters say they are going that I've NEVER heard of. Am I that unaware of the things that go on around me? I mean, this place isn't that big is it??

Now, here are some samples...I couldn't make this stuff up people, I just couldn't...

This one came with an interracial love pic to accompany it:

"M4M Looking for BBC-34 yr: Bootom looking for some bbc to take care of. In need of bbc in my mouth and ass. If you have a few bbc freinds we can make it a group."

Hey guy-thanks for posting a pic of your big 9"+ thing, but you could have left out the pic of you bent over to show your "vers" top action...but here's the posting

"A work out-Downtown Y-22yr: Hey guys sexy black male here short balck hair milk chocoalte skin tone, semi-tone/avg build well hung 9x6 cut dick and ddfree im a vers top I will be going to work out this evening after I get off from work around 7:45 or so and would like to have some fun after I leave the gym or better yet while Im at the gym. my locker is one of the ones that is closest to the showers if you work out at the downtown Y and wanna maybe have some fun hit me up too there are alot of sexy guys there that I wuold not have a problem messing around with lol I have a scorpion tattoo on my RIGHT ASS CHEEK I will rub it and stuff cause its new so if you see me and wanna play just say CUM when you see me in the shower I will most likely be int eh shower that you see right as you walk in and maybe we can have some discreet soap fun. If you just wanna meet me afterwards that coo to you must be able to host and be somewhat in the downtown area or close too you must be very discreet. Ill be in black shorts with a bright shirt" and he ended this with posting his phone number.

I'll give you a minute to gather your thoughts...

Moving on to Casual Encounters:

"Please fuck my man-MW4W-25 yr: I am looking for a sexy woman that will take my man and make him please you in whatever way you want. He is very talented with his tongue and his cock feels good. He is 6'3" white dd free piercedtongue and 6.5" cut and thick. I have some pics of him. All I ask for on this occasion is that tell me all the details when finished. If hot enough maybe we can all get together and have a hot threesome if you are into that. If not that is fine too. Age race and size not important. He will do whatever I tell him too...and we are very real."

"str8 or military cock wanted-45 yr-M4M: bi man looking to suck only. no reciprocation. wanting str8 or military cock, married preferred. Discretion assured and expected in return. must be in decent shape. no oldies or fatties or fems. serious only. today, asap."

"Married...Looking for fun today or tomorrow! -W4W-25 yr: I am married so this must be discreet! I am looking for a hot woman to put my tongue in your nice, clean, and wet pussy! I am a BBW that is 420 friendly so if that's a problem to bad for you. Your picture gets my picture! I am just looking to have some fun1 You must host and not play games. I'm grown and don't have time for it. MUST BE DISEASE FREE as I AM! NO MEN OR COUPLES"

I mean, I could go on and on...entertaining? Yes. Alarming? Yes. True? YESSSSSS! I really love how 99% of the posts say that it has to be discreet. You want discretion but you're posting pics of your stuff on Craigslist. Listen, if my man posted a pic of his thang on the internet...I would KNOW it was his, ok!!??!! The people that post and state they are HIV+ or have Herpes or other stuff, or want to do drugs...is this okay? I mean, how come every police officer in every city isn't meeting these crazies and taking them in one by one?!!

I'm not going to lie...I often wonder WHO ANSWERS THESE ADS?! I mean, who's reading and thinking this is normal. I laugh several times a day. I have to apologize to my friends who have had to suffer through this with me because I send them the ones that I'm too baffled to believe so I have to show someone else what I saw.

Look, I'm posting this now as a confession of sins past, not some sinister premonition into my future or my cause of death. After reading these for so many days, I started walking around classifying people as Craigslist crazy or not. I would be walking in the park looking at people that I used to just think were eating their lunch in their cars. Now I look at them and wonder if they are waiting for some crazy they met on Craiglist!! Now I think everybody is some crazy-train who wants to insert a fist, a foot, or some other crazy anything in any orifice I or anybody else has.

So, this is an educational post. I have certainly been educated in my readings of these postings. I don't know if I have anything further to say.



Getting free stuff on Craigslist has taken on a WHOLE NEW MEANING in my life. You know you're going to look at the ads for your area...and as a friend, if there are good ones-tell me so I can look too!


Hi...I was addicted to Craigslist. I've been clean for about 5 minutes.

The Consequence of Being Whole

Understand, I'm not trying to be boastful or anything less than humble when speaking of myself. I'm going to have to say, in my opinion, as far as women go-I'm an A+ catch. Of course that's my opinion. In a conversation with my mother, we were discussing my complete lack of being able to make a man feel needed and as I listened to her tell me I shouldn't be like that-I just couldn't compute that in my brain. My mother, married for 39 years, telling ME that it's not a good way to be. Explaining how her similar behavior has caused some distance and separation in their relationship. I couldn't accept this as sage advice. I count it as foolishness.

It's a consequence of being whole.

Admittedly, and I'm sure you probably figured that the reason for my entry is not because everything is peachy-it's because, as usual, I need an outlet so that my head doesn't explode. I'm back to where I started, ended, seem to remain-by myself. But all in all-I just don't think it's a bad place to be. I think my LETTER to "Ex-Boyfriends" will probably remain relevant my whole life. However, today I have to ask myself, if the same thing happens over and over-is it them...or is it...ME. ME??

Is there some merit to this "needing" thing my mother speaks of and I have admitted that I am not good at. But how can I not stand by my sentiment that it is better to be WANTED and not NEEDED? I was asked "What do you have to offer a man" at the beginning of this. And I told him, I have NOTHING to offer a man that needs to be needed...BUT as much as I can love me, that's how much I can love somebody else. As much as I can do for me, that's what I can do for somebody else. And in the ending of it all yesterday, my similar sentiment was I DO LOVE YOU, but I will NEVER love you more than I LOVE ME...if I don't stand up for ME, then who will? I had to also share that I WILL be ok. Am I mad? No...I'm PISSED. Am I sad? No...completely DEVASTATED. Do I have time to be lied to, straight IN MY FACE when I read the facts for myself and have names-dates-times-instances-activities-occurrences-pictures and things HE initiated and participated in permanently engraved in this God-forsaken memory? Not today. Not tomorrow. Not EVER.

It's a consequence of being whole.

I take care of people, that's what I do. And it's what I say over and over. And sometimes, yes, I get tired. Sometimes, I get frustrated-not because I need anyone to take care of me, but sometimes I need some room to breathe so that I can take care of me. I give, I give, and I give what I have and what I can because that is who I am. I thank God for having the right words to say when someone needs to hear them. I thank God for having a spirit about me that people feel comforted when I can be there for them. But I could not take care of any of the people I love physically, emotionally, or spiritually without being a WHOLE person. I do not expect anything in return, because I do not need anything in return. I am abundantly blessed in who I am. I am blessed by the friendships I have. Just because someone doesn't give in the way I do, doesn't mean they aren't giving. Only a whole person understands this.

It is a consequence of being whole.

Maybe because the way my mind works, the mathematical sense of being whole makes more sense to me. I am whole and that works for me. I am a whole number. If I add myself to another that is not whole-the addition of a fraction of a whole number and a whole number is a mixed number. See even in mathematics, it just doesn't sound right. If I add a whole number to a whole number-I get a whole number. If I have to add two fractions of a whole to get ONE whole this still isn't whole because it's a sum of parts. I can't be a whole ONLY with the addition of something else. This might not make sense to you but it makes perfect sense to me. I'm whole...and trying to add myself to anything less than that is just a mixed number...a MESS. It doesn't work.

It is my consequence for being whole.

And as hurt as my feelings are-this situation or any other one I've had to go through doesn't take a part of me. It doesn't take away from my wholeness, it adds TO IT. And the more whole I become, I realize the WHOLE I have to mix with has to be greater too...or maybe, I'm just not for mixing at all. I don't think my happiness is contingent on sharing my life with anybody other than the people I already have in it. I have loved, I believe I have been loved, and I do believe LOVE NEVER FAILS!! So apparent in my reaction to this situation-it was as if nothing much had really happened. But why fall all over myself and the situation? It was lovely while I was in love. And although I can't just fall out of love-that love is something he will never forget I am sure. That love will either teach him how to love or how he wants to be loved. It will show him he deserves love and how he should be loved. I didn't fail, love didn't fail, but it's just not enough. I can't say never, but I can for sure say not right now. I'm not sorry. Unlike the me I was some time ago, I believe that the opportunity to love someone is a blessing. Whether they receive it, appreciate it and/or reciprocate it is irrelevant. Love never fails, it never ends...the fact that you loved will always remain and I won't hold back, I won't give up, I won't be sad-it was wonderful. And I have it to give to someone else who wants it, and if not-I have it for me. The way you can love someone is directly proportionate to how much you love YOU. I'm not sorry. I will not look back. I will not be sad. I will move on as flawlessly today as I do everyday.

It's a consequence of being whole.

There are no questions to be asked. There are no what if's to ponder. There is no waiting period for forgiveness-I forgive him and realize I knew who he was all along and I hope I helped him see who I saw, who I KNOW-but I also realize the person he chooses to be may not be who he wants to be, but I can't change his mind about HIM. I know he can be better than I even know-but I don't see it NOW. Change will come, and I hope when it does he receives all the happiness, peace, and love he so deserves. I didn't foresee this ending, to be completely honest I didn't foresee an ending at all...but, I welcome God's unchanging hand in my life and trust that he knows whats best for me. I don't have any doubts-he will take care of me. Whoever will be will be. Whoever will not be just won't. I'm going to be here-thankful for the trial and claiming it as a testimony. I know how to love me...and in such, I don't need anybody else to do so-there is no greater love than the LOVE I know.

It's a consequence of being whole.

Dear Ex-Boyfriend(s)...

Dear Ex-Boyfriend(s),

I know you're probably surprised to hear from me. You might have been expecting a giant outburst, hate mail, or something similar-but I'd really like to take this opportunity to Thank You.

Yes, THANK YOU.

As I've taken time to really think back over the time we spent, I really felt compelled to take a moment to let you know that you helped me more than you know. Of course you made me stronger, but let me also add to that wiser. And, after your exit, I realized I am not as crazy as you would have liked me to believe. I am, and have always been, the woman you needed but did not deserve.

First-I'd like to thank you for affirming that my gut instincts and my sixth sense are as keen as I believed. Nevermind the fact that you always stood right in my face and lied-I'll get to that later. Whatever made me check your phone, or your e-mail, or your pockets-that was not because I am jealous, or crazy, or insecure-it's because YOU are not as slick as you think. I can't explain to you the feeling that I got or where it came from. I can just tell you that all things that happen in the darkness will come to the light. I can tell you that God has a way of making you see something you are just not ready to see no matter how painful it is. So Thank you for showing me that my gut instincts are right on target, and the only enemy of my sixth sense is you.

Thank you also for showing me that I am very capable of forgiveness. After all, I forgave you over and over again when in hindsight I don't think you deserved it even once. But let's not rehash old pain. I forgave you and we moved on. Now whether or not I kept bringing up your actions, I still forgave you. I showed myself that I do have the power to forgive. And if I had the strength and patience to forgive you, surely I could do wonders for somebody that actually deserves and will capitolize on a second chance.

I'd like to thank you for all of your false accusations. I might not have ever had the chance to know what it feels like when you accuse somebody for something that they honestly did not do. I might not have known how old it gets to be interrogated for things that happened in your imagination and not in real life. I might not have been able to relate to how old it gets when someone's insecurity shines brighter than any other thing they have to offer. I'm thanking you for this because now I know to just ask a simple question if I have doubts. And if I doubt the answer-I can simply walk away. So this goes hand in hand with the gut instincts you have shown me that I should always trust. Thank you for showing me how ugly insecurity can be and showing me how obvious a guilty conscience is.

Thank you for cheating on me. There is no way I would have ever known that you didn't deserve me had you not just blatantly disrespected me. I know that over and over again I asked what these girls had that I didn't, what you wanted from them that you couldn't get from me, and why you had to go to someone else when you had me. Now I know that this is an impossible question, because no answer you ever would have given could satisfy my heart. There is nothing that these girls had that I didn't-they just had your time and attention for the moment you were with them. They just made you feel like you were "the man" in a moment when you needed more attention because YOU felt like you weren't enough for me. Although your actions were kind of backwards, I thank you-because you were NOT, after all, enough for me. I realize that you wanted to be NEEDED. You just didn't understand my sentiment that NEEDING somebody is a very unhealthy emotion-but WANTING somebody is more powerful. You thought those girls needed you, and then when they didn't WANT you because you only showed them how untrustworthy and how unfaithful you-maybe THEN you realized my point.

Thank you for lying to me. We've already discussed the gut instincts and the sixth sense. And I'm sure the lying came in somewhere with the cheating or the false accusations. You showed me how ugly it is when a lie falls out of someone's mouth. You showed me that lying to someone is basically like standing in somebody's face and saying "I don't love you. I don't respect you. I think you are stupid". And I may have been-but I thank you for giving me the opportunity to realize that stupid is as stupid does, and I would NOT participate with you.

Thank you for hurting me. Had you never hurt me, I might not know how to heal. But because of your deception, or lies, or adulterous ways, or childish ways-whatever it may have been-that hurt allowed me to grow and be bigger than even I knew I could be. I might have been down for a period of time, but being down showed me that I had to get up. And when I got up, I got up WITH the hurt that you gave to me but then I got over it and let that hurt elevate me to a new level. I wouldn't be here looking down on you now had I not been able to get up over it.

Thank you for allowing me to love you. I know somewhere in your mind you may believe that this sentiment still exists. Love can be everlasting, but in our case-it will not last forever. I thank you for this opportunity because whatever I gave you unselfishly, however I loved you-that will always be what I gave to you from the most pure place in my heart. I showed myself that I can love without circumstance and I can keep loving with no barriers. You see, the importance in this is that I didn't lose any love in you. Loving somebody is the greatest thing we can do-and just because you didn't appreciate it doesn't mean that my love didn't mean anything, it didn't lose any power. So, I am elated at the idea that if I could have loved you, imagine the limits that I could surpass in loving somebody who WANTS me to love them the way that I WANT them to love me!!

You have given me so many things-I thought you deserved a Thank you note. Lastly, thank you for the timely exit in my life. It was probably a combination of all these things that led me to leave you or to accept the fact that you left me. Everything that I gave you-I'm proud of that and so very excited to give these things to someone who deserves them and watch them breed and grow.

I always say that the worst thing you can ever do is stop believing that someone can change. So while I thank you for these things that you gave me, I don't hold you accountable for them forever. You can move on too...just not with me. I hope that my unwillingness to talk to you or friend you does not offend you. It's just that if you weren't good for me then, I'm not quite sure how you can be good for me now. And you should want better for yourself than a friend who doubts who you are and what you have to offer. I take responsibility for all the things that I may have done that added to our relationship going sour. I have forgiven myself, and I forgive you.

So-I hope that this Thank You finds you well. I hope that you understand that there is no underlying evil or maliciousness in this letter to you. You helped me find a part of me that I might not have been able to find, but I assure you that if you could not handle me then-don't even try to deal with me now. You can go on. I hope that you find a woman that is everything you WANT and I wish you all the best. I can't look back because I'm moving onward and upward so fast I might miss something that awaits me that is AHEAD of me, that is FOR me. I hope you are thankful for the time you had the opportunity to be in my life. I am thankful for the lessons I learned, but I see no need to repeat past lessons when I have graduated to a new level.

So, thank you.

Good-bye...Forever.

Racism lives!!

For my thoughts about the reactions, actions and nonsense of this week-you can view THE Friend's blog:
http://whatyouneedtobetold.blogspot.com

I really urge all of you to support the President and this Healthcare reform by calling your congressman. Let your voice be heard! It is so important!
http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/health-care-action-center/

Also, I will be contacting my son's superintendent and asking for the exact reason for having to sign a permission slip to let my son watch President Obama's speech. This is an outrage. Don't sit down on this opportunity to be heard. The message being sent to our children is unbelievable.

Whether you agree or disagree, I'm quite sure that none of us want our children to grow up in a society where they are told and SHOWN it is okay to disregard authority. Contact your school and see if your concerns should be addressed to the superintendent, school board, accountability committee's or advisory boards. Write an open letter to your newspaper. Do SOMETHING. Change is HERE. Let's make sure it stays.

He's Just Not That into Me

So-I have done the girl thing.

I have wondered what could happen.

I have wondered where things are going.

I have played out different scenarios in my head.

I have daydreamed, dreamed, hoped-all that silly girl stuff. Things I don't normally do-I guess because I was a little smitten. I was hopeful because I had met somebody new that didn't offer the same old and tired bull. I was kind of taken.

I prayed for a sign, for an answer, for some kind of insight to what the future would or could be...

So we met here and there, we've talked, we've shared ideas of what could have happened or what could be...

I feel like I've done my part, shown what my intentions are and could be...

I've made offers, extended welcomes, given opportunities...

I've tried to keep him involved, keep him informed, keep him at the top of my "attention to" list...

And what have I gotten?

Not much. Words with no actions. Actions with no words. But never given any promises-so I can't say that any were broken.

Did I do too much? Did I not do enough? Am I too damaged to give it a good effort?

So as I take back over myself, as I look back on what happened...again I'm thankful for the presentation of people in my life to show me what I could have, what I do deserve, what it could be...

But in this instance-as much as I hate to admit-I have to just say:

He's Just not that into me.

If he was-I would have known it by now.

We live and we learn-and even if we don't...

Life goes on.

Why Are You Talking to Me?

"I hate black people"

Unfortunately, this was the statement made to my 9-year old during recess yesterday. To which he replied, "Then why are you talking to me?!"

I thought his response was great. I talked it over with him. I thought we were done with it...and then I caught him deep in thought later in the evening. I asked what was wrong, he replied nothing. I asked what he was thinking about-and the tears started falling.

It frustrates me to no end when I don't have an answer for his queries. It makes me sick to my stomach that he had to go through this and it made me feel like a failure because even through everything I told him, I KNOW it doesn't take the pain away.

So in this situation, I have to hope that he believes that everything he knows and has been told about God is true. I have to trust that telling him that God had this planned out for him will lead him to be grateful and not angry. I have to believe that that he will turn that pain into the RIGHT energy to feed the RIGHT things. I hope that he can follow through on our conversation of forgiveness and where it comes from and WHY we forgive in the first place. And then to look him squarely in the eye and tell him that this was not the first and probably won't be the last-so hard.

I do however think his reply was priceless...if you hate me, then why ARE you talking to me?

Good for him.

We work twice as hard, so we are twice as good.

I know he is being made strong...I just hope I have given him the proper tools to allow his spirit to take that journey.

The Happy Birthday turned Anniversary...for me!

I wonder if when I'm not SO stressed about what seems to be EVERYTHING if things occur to me as often as they have lately. Mostly things I tolerated that I never should have, people I entertained that aren't entertaining, things I did that I should slap myself for...

I woke up to a text this morning inviting me to celebrate Mr. Lollipop's (an old "acquaintance" from way back) birthday with drinks downtown. I rarely forget ANYTHING, but I realized I didn't remember his birthday because he just doesn't matter anymore. So, the text was sent at about 11 pm the night before so my assumption is that he sent it looking for an obligatory "Happy Birthday" reply. Well, thank the Lord my phone went dead and I didn't get that text until this morning. I'm glad he had to wait around on me for once-Lord knows I spent a year of my life way back when waiting for him to just SEE me. Oh, how desperate!!

Again, I have to step up into the spotlight of shame for my behavior since the breakup. At one time, after the breakup with the EX (he doesn't deserve name recognition anymore-he doesn't even deserve one keystroke from these fingers, I'm being generous and giving him two), I did let Mr. Lollipop come back around. The physical? Two thumbs up all around. Life? FAIL. EPIC FAIL. No need to rehash the past-but this dude should have never gotten a second of my time. But the light skin, pointy nose, nice body strikes again. I put up with unnecessary and completely foolish drama for about a year until a fateful trip, a Happy birthday song, and my revelation on the plane ride home to him that I was "DONE". And that was that.

WHY DIDN'T I LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE.

Walking today, I realized that half these dudes I still stay in what I think is friendly communication needs to just stop. There's no sex, there's no nothing really-but these are people I don't even need in my life. How do they make my life better? They don't-I was the one that gave them a glimpse of hope. I was the one that gave HIM in particular a vision of what his life COULD be like-all that fool had to do was stop lying.

One time my son said "You don't take stuff from anybody, why do you let my dad say whatever he wants to you?" Now, there's a different reason for that-but his concept stuck with me. In general, I hate bullcrap. So why do I always overlook the signs of a BS Hoarder and let them in my life? No WONDER I'm okay being by myself-it's the obvious and preferred alternative to what I normally choose.

So, today I realized that while I do enjoy ME, life wouldn't be SO bad with someone to share it with that was WORTH IT. Don't know if I've met him yet or not...and I'm still not looking. He's going to have to know he's the right one and slap me into it, cause I don't have the energy for that right now.

So, to Mr. Lollipop-Happy Birthday. Glad to say I gave you one of the best ever-but we will never celebrate another one again. But, it is also a Happy Anniversary to me. Celebrating the time in my life when I realized there wasn't anything wrong with me, but everything wrong with you and to a certain point moved on. Anniversary's get better with time right? So by this time next year, I hope to be able to say the last time I heard from you was yesterday when you were begging for a birthday wish.

Happy Anniversary to me...screw your birthday.

You Haven't Changed My Life...You Just Wish You Had

Sometimes, the most horrible thing you will ever see is when you truly open your eyes and examine yourself. Realizing that 100% of what you go through is based on 100% of the choices you make is most of the time a reality you don't want to accept.

"In life you must only do two things. You must make choices and you must die. But for every choice you make there is a consequence" Author Unknown

This quote was in my english classroom when I was in 8th grade. It made no sense to me then, but that is the black and white. Fortunately, we get an opportunity to make these choices over and over and over again. Making the same WRONG choice is just what we...hell maybe I...do too often.

I have A LOT of things going on right now. Being pulled every which way, stress weighing down HEAVY-but I've just been looking at in the face trying not to panic and just knowing that God is working it all out. So, being able to hand over the REAL burdens in my life is a great testament to how far I've come. But it has also had me focused on the things I don't ever really bother going to God with.

Relationships.
Sigh.
Listen-I don't pray to God for a man, I don't pray to God for companionship...I don't pray for things like that. Nothing against people who do...but I got real life shyt that I need God to handle for me. This is not a pressing matter in my mind. Everytime I hear somebody telling somebody else to "ask" God for exactly what you want-I think that is completely stupid. However, I realize that I am still working on ME...so I need God to fix ME. I'm not worried about anybody else's fixing. I try to just keep an open mind and not block my own blessings when it comes to these type things. Obviously-I don't have great taste in men. Obviously.

Over and over and over again, I deal with men that are not up what my standard SHOULD be. I'm not ever surprised when they disappoint-I can't even really call it disappointment because it's almost expected. So I have to ask myself, and I haven't been asking myself often enough, WHY EVEN DEAL WITH THESE LAMES??! I don't know...I have a weakness for a great smile, and having the upper hand. The latter, I don't claim lightly-it's just something I've come to realize. It's just the truth. For a long, long time, I said that it is not important to me that a man be on the same level financially, educationally, spiritually etc. As long as he knew who he was and had a goal-I was ok with that. I didn't want to be the type of person that passed up a good man just because he didn't have the greatest job or wasn't in the greatest situation. I guess I always give people the benefit of the doubt to a certain point-but honestly-that needs to stop. I don't talk about how many degrees I have, I don't talk about what's in my bank account, I don't push my religious ideas and morals on somebody else. I used to just listen and decide whether they were passionate about life, in general a good person, and let that just ride. I would always wonder why and how somewhere down the line I started hearing things like "I'm not on your level", "I'm not settled like you", "I don't have it like you" because I would never bring these things up. Well, how in the blue hell did I expect any MAN not taking care of his MANLY business to fare well next to an educated, settled, strong WOMAN?

I am too smart to be this stupid, I swear.

Where is this coming from?

Well, awhile back I met a guy at my favorite hangout. Handsome? OF course...this is what leads me to hand out all the passes in the first place. I think I really am like a dude most of the time. I don't really care what a dude is talking about as long as he's going to give me what I want. I'll smile, nod, and even pretend to be interested...just get me to my happy place and it's all good.

Honesty is ugly sometimes, right?

So, we chit chat and he proceeds to tell me he is married.

This is the part where I should have departed. Nope.
BAD CHOICE #1,999, 999, 999, 834, 829, 123

He said "it's complicated". I told him right THEN that I didn't want to hear about his personal business. Here's the thing-you can tell when a married man is open to other options. IF I EVER got married, there are some things I would never deny my husband and certain ways I would never treat him-because while those women are at home thinking they taught their husband a lesson-there's a woman SOMEWHERE who intends to let their husband's know they don't have to put up with that and are willing to offer the same things. I know, because more than once I've been one of them.

Honesty-you can frown, but it is what it is.

Nothing ever really happened between me and this dude. Mostly, because him and his wife did indeed have a "situation", but he is visible hurt and still in love with his wife. So, most of our conversations were about what she did and how fed up he was. This dude is not a cheater, even though he thinks he is. He's a miserably unhappy person, and I just can not get with that.

So...I believe we had our last conversation on Saturday night. I will just transcribe word for word here.

Him: Hey you
Me: What?
Him: U busy
Me: Watching TV with my guy
Him: Oh ok...so what did ya'll do today
Me: Golfed, swam, rafted...I am exhausted.
Him: LOL that's cool
Him: I'm goin back home soon
Me: To LA?
Him: Yep
Me: Just you?
Him: Yep goin to go file for divorce at the courthouse
Me: Oh. To stay?
Him: Idk yet
Him: If I can get a car and a job I'll stay out here. Its cheap here too expensive back home I can't afford to stay at home
Me: Wow
Him: Her mom is here to visit and we was talkin outside and she told me that I'm a good father and didn't realize I did so much around the house
Him: She can't believe how lazy her daughter is she didn't raise her that way
Me: She acts that way because she can.
Him: Yep and her mom is kinda pissed off but she doesn't want to get involved
Me: Um...she shouldn't. Her daughter is grown.
Him: That's what she said
Him: If I don't do anything around the house it don't get done
Me: So then you do it eventually right? What do you think she's going to do when you are gone?
Him: Her momma has cleaned up more than she has since we moved here and her momma has only been here a week
Him: She has no choice but to do it
Him: She talks to her mom any kinda way
Me: Ok...well then that "I didn't raise her like that" line is bullshit. She tried to show her but didn't MAKE her do anything. I would die is my mom cleaned in MY house.
Me: You think that just started? I doubt it.
Him: Me too
Him: That's why her and my mom don't get along my mom was taking lip from her
Me: Your mom? She talked to YOUR mom crazy??
Him: She tried one day and that day I was about to knock her out
Him: I wish I can file here
Him: Would you miss me if I didn't come back
Me: Um...my life is not going to change if you are here or not. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just saying. It shouldn't matter anyway. You're not happy so you should do what you have to do rectify that.
Him: OK Well would like to c me stay if I was happy
Me: Again. Not life changing. Wouldn't you just like to be happy PERIOD?
Him: U tell it like it is huh?
Me: There isn't any other way. Aren't you tired of bullshit yet?
Him: Yep
Him: How did you get over J.J.
Me: Loaded question...but I wasn't about to stay with someone who didn't care about my well being...I got fed up. I forgave him, accepted responsibility for enabling him to act the way he did, took responsibility for where I was wrong, and moved on with my life. Being miserable is a choice.
Him: Ur rite so I guess you can say I'm the one to blame for allowing this shit to go on
Me: You will drive yourself crazy placing and taking blame. You both have probably been wrong a lot...you wouldn't be where you are now if that weren't true
Him: True
Him: Thank you for the talk


Yes...this crap really happens to me.

Honestly, I don't care who is at fault. Him or his wife-they are miserable people that like to be miserable.

No more married men. I have, unfortunately, said it before-but I'm not quite sure why-being who I am...I'm willing to accept a #2 spot.
Ridiculous.

So...while GOD deals with my real life problems, I think I can handle this on my own. A man is going to have to be in my tax bracket, on my spiritual enrichment plan, and able to comprehend what I do for a living. Why my standards aren't higher...I'm going to stop dwelling on it.

Onward and upward.

If I make it through this week...

Wait...let me thank the Lord NOW for the will, strength, and patience for making it through this week.

Blame it on the rain...or the fool that got you here

I have been trying to get my head around all the thoughts in my head and put them down in some type of cohesive matter, but that isn't going to happen. You may not be able to follow-these are the thoughts in my head and I'm just going to put them down as they come up. Good luck! :-)

Settling is for pilgrims, we've been through this right? Does God put people around you that went through the same things you have been through to show you how damn stupid you were? Or does he do it so you can really reflect on how many people tried to tell you to do something and you didn't listen? So many educated, beautiful, strong women around me settling for some straight up BULL. I mean I am SO guilty of listening to someone's bull, knowing it was bull, but giving the benefit of the doubt anyway-but I just can't hardly bear to watch it as a spectator. And personally, I have been looking at myself and wondering WHY did I put up with the bull I did. Recently, I have reconnected with a couple of ex-acquaintances and if it was possible to whoop my own ass, I certainly would.

I mean honestly, Did I really, REALLY send a box of what nots to Iraq EVERY week? Hoping and praying for a safe return, and secretly hoping me and this married fool could be together?
Yes I did.

Did I REALLY forgive him when he came back from Iraq and moved in across the street from an adopted big sister of mine WITH another chick, and STILL let this man have his way with me?
Guilty as charged.

Did this fool really come into town, not speak three words to me, and now pretending like shit is fine? YES HE DID. Why? Because that's that shit that they call bull that I would have put up with before. That's the treatment that I put up with for years as acceptable as LONG as I got a few minutes with his body.

Pitiful. Completely fucking desperate and pitiful.

AND...did I really start talking to a dude that could make me laugh cause he could make me laugh? NO job, NO career, CRIMINAL RECORD, NO damn hope for making it day to day except for the clothes I put on his back, the shoes I put on his feet, the money I put in his pocket... because he had a big dick and was funny.

Oh, yeah. Guilty AGAIN.

And I really started talking to this fool again? Did he say he wanted to get on boyfriend status? And THANK GOD for divine intervention when this fool sent me a text message talking about "I have enough gas to get down to your house, but not enough to get back-so I can take a raincheck or...?" OR WHAT? Or Monica can get her head out of her ass and realize that you are the same sorry-ass, punk-ass, broke-ass negro that you were before-but at least you're funny.

I really have outdone myself.

WHY, OH WHY on earth was I entertaining a depressed ass married man whose wife told him that the dog was more important than him? If she feels that way, what the hell am I listening for. Take your broken ass heart and try to get in good with the dog. At least if the dog likes you, you might have a chance to stick around.


OH YES...see, I have ROOM to talk. I have experienced ENOUGH to spot a no-good, no-good-intentions having negro. I can sniff them out. Hell, I've started thinking anybody I'm attracted to I should stay away from because I'm an equal opportunity sorry ass negro employing bitch. APPLY HERE, APPLY HERE, ALL ENTRIES WELCOME. I am so disgusted.

So my advice to my fellow women...If I say a negro ain't no good...run FAST. I apparently can't pick out the mildly sorry ones...but if I can pick out a sorry man-you better get gone because if he doesn't meet MY standards his ass is pitiful.


UGH...


Why doesn't money grow on trees? Why is it that I make ten times more than I ever have, but I'm mor broke than I've ever been? I guess I'll thank God for having problems like financing houses and things.

UGH...

And because of those sorry ass men I gave passes to, is it now true that I have someone standing in front of me...with all the right intentions, with all the right things to say, with the right things going on in life, and because I am so exhausted from putting in work to negro's that didn't deserve an ounce of my attention-now I don't WANT to put in the work to even trying to make this work? Am I trying to self destruct and find reasons why it won't work? Am I relating this to my last relationship because I don't want to end up hurt the same way or because it IS actually the same thing? Is it the same because I picked wrong again, or is it the same because now God is trying to show me what's right? Has he not contacted me as much because he's busy? Is it because he realizes he's not as interested? Or is it because he can sense that I'm trying to throw his ass out before he even really steps foot into the door? Is it true that I'm not even considering my right now feelings, but choosing to remember the way I FELT when I had everything then nothing? Is it possible that I can see so easily how I could love him, but won't let myself get any closer to that emotion?

All true. Guilty...of all of it.


God will work it all out. He knows the outcome, he knows the answer, he knows my questions, he will give me my answers and all he wants me to do is believe.

All I want to do is run.

All he wants me to do is be still.

All I want is for my mind to be still.

All he wants me to do is believe.

All I want to believe is that I know what's best for me.

All he wants me to know is he knows what's best for me.

All I want him to know is that I'd like an e-mail, a certified letter, or an announcement from heaven to know what that is.

I'm just saying.


UGH.

Dear ________,

Sometimes, it's not even worth it to expend the energy on someone to tell them how you really feel. But what better place to do it than here. Understand, there are not really any hard feelings or pent up frustrations-it just came to me in a moment when someone I don't give two pieces of a care about was trying to justify their actions on something I don't even care about anymore.

So to all my "blanks"...you don't even deserve name recognition-but hey-you get a shout out in my blog anyway!

Dear ____,
You are an asshole. When you get lonely in the desert, find a friend that cares only about what you look like and nothing of how you actually feel. When you get lonely in real life and realize that there was somebody willing to put your needs first-just hang my picture up. That's all the access you will ever have to me again.

Thanks for your timely exit.
Happy Travels.

Dear ____,
It amuses me to no end that I know you are walking around on this planet thinking that you ruined my life, and/or that I am torn to pieces. I'd like to happily report that your pitiful existence was the best spot removal process I have ever performed on my life. I hope the ratings go up in the soap opera life you live. If nothing else, at least the soundtrack will be great.

Thanks for the big crescendo at the end.
CUT!


Dear ____,
If all the things you ever said were true, I believe I would probably shit gumballs and drink from the strawberry soda fountains floating in the air. I'm sorry I ever led you to believe I actually did believe your bull. It wasn't nice of me, and for that I apologize. In nine years, hopefully I will get to forget that you breathe-but until then, I'll keep it kosher. Take care.

In your free time, maybe you could figure out a way to be a full time person and only a part-time failure.
TOUCHDOWN!


Dear ____,

If nothing else, I'm glad to know that you did at one time have a good friend. I hope you find another. I hope you find a hobby, a purpose, a backbone, and at some point, YOURSELF. If I ever become a user, hopefully I can find someone like you that gives without any requirements for giving back.

You actually are a great person. I just hope you realize you're worth more than the bullshit you don't even ask to get paid for.


Dear ____,
In my darkest hour, on my worst day, in my last second...you will still not be 1/1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000th of the woman that I am. Stop trying.
Thanks for playing, though.


Dear ____,
If I pretend like you don't exist, will you disappear? You know how every once in awhile a normal person gets the chance to entertain a star? That's what happened to you. Your 15 minutes are way overdue-don't you have a life to pretend like you have?
COFFEE BREAK!


Dear ____,
You are a fine piece of meat, yes you are. But if I had to work with what you got-I'd leave your ass too. Your wife isn't a bitch-she's a damn patient woman, or a lesbian since she's basically bumping uglies with you.
ATTENTION PENIS...the rest of the body is at 33 yrs old...please catch up from 3 months!
Are you sure those kids are yours?


Dear ____,
Listen, I see through your tiny little disposition. You are a hater, tried and true, and I know what you really got going on. If I was jumping off with everyone that I could, I'd be insecure about my marriage, life, self, and everything else too. You can hate on me if it makes you feel better about the things that you do. But uh, I'm not married, not desperate, not ugly, not confused about who I am...so this might be a frustrating task for you.


Dear Reader,

Please don't think that I hate any one of these people. They have showed me things in themselves that I want to be sure I never take on for myself. They have showed me how ugly things can get when you are any one of these people, and I am so thankful for the lessons that they have shared by example. They can all change, they can all do better, they can all be better. But until they get there-they can't ever say they didn't get a shout out for the time period that they sucked at life!!

The Closed Door...

Keith,

It's been almost one month since you passed away. I have started this so many times-but I couldn't bring myself to finish until I realized I need to let it go.

Every morning I walk in this building, and as I get ready to go to my desk the closed door of your office reminds me that you're not here. There isn't a day that goes by that you aren't somehow brought up in conversation among us regarding work or personal lives-but it shows me that you were an important friend and mentor to all of us.

I remember when you first got diagnosed with Cancer. You wouldn't look me in the eye and I thought something was strange. You kept having closed door meetings with Larry and we all thought Larry was getting ready to retire!! I wish that's what it was. The day you brought us all together to tell us of the cancer that they found in your body was a terrible day for me. I'm sorry I had nothing to say. I'm sorry that I couldn't show you right then how important you were to me. I knew that you were watching me and watching my reaction. To see you almost break down tore me up on the inside, but I thought if I broke down too it would be too much for you. So I simply walked past you and left you the card I put in your box that day.

Your will to live amazed me. The times we got to see each other and it was YOU lifting my spirits always left me in awe of the person you were. It made me want to try harder, to work harder, to let you know there was nothing here for you to worry about. I never felt like I could fill your shoes but I wanted you to be worry free about what was going on at work.

In my heart, I knew you'd never come back to work. But, I was hoping that you would have time to spend with your family and realize that there were more important things in life than a "job".

Keith, you are the most important mentor I have ever had in my life. You believed in me at a time I wasn't sure anybody would. You gave me a voice in a company where I never thought I'd ever be relevant. And I know you would say you didn't give me anything-that I just realized my full potential. I will never EVER forget your words. I will never EVER forget your encouragement, I will never EVER forget how much you believed in me, and I hope that I never let you down.

At your memorial service, your daughter spoke of the things you instilled in her and your son. And my heart was so full because those were the things you taught me too. This with the assurance from Larry that "He liked you a lot, a whole lot" made me feel close to you.

I thank God that the last time I saw you I was led to tell you how I really felt. I'm glad I got to tell you how much I missed you being here and how much I actually respected you as a boss and loved you as a person. I don't know if I could live with that regret. I'm glad that I had an opportunity to make you smile, and I'm glad we shared laughter.

For some time, I've felt like I shouldn't still be grieving. But I think it speaks to the person you are. You changed my life. You provided me an opportunity in life to make my life better and in turn make my son's life better and I will be eternally grateful for that more than you can ever know. I hope you knew how important you are to me. I hope you knew what a difference you made in my life. I hope you knew how important our friendship was to me.

The closed door reminds me that you aren't here...

but you will live in my open heart now and forever.

I can't pay you back, but I will do my best to pay what you taught me forward.

Thank you for what you did for me.

Thank you for believing in me.

Thank you.

Looking in my Mirror

I've been trying to piece together my thoughts on Michael Jackson since the day that he passed.

I was in disbelief. I was completely heartbroken. Now, I might not have been as vocal a fan of Michael Jackson as others-but that's not my nature. As I've gotten older I haven't talked much about Michael because it always brought unwanted opinions, unwanted jokes, unwanted negativity that I had no desire to be a part of.

There are a few real ARTISTS that I have always been determined to implant in my son's musical tastes and how could Michael Jackson NOT be one of them. When they started playing the video montage's of Michael and the Jackson 5, I realized I had done him no justice. My son was mesmerized by Michael. He stayed up all night watching videos. Waking me up to ask me if I knew that Thriller was a "movie-mini". Yes, son. Waking me up again to tell me Man in the Mirror-a longtime favorite song of his-was on because he had never seen the video. Yes, son. Waking me up to tell me he had rewound the Heal the World performance and put it on the DVR and now knew the harmony. Good for you, son. Waking me up again to say "Michael Jackson was a handsome young man but look at JANET JACKSON in this video". Yes, son. And one last time before I went to bed to let me know "Michael really did bridge the gap for a lot of styles of music, Mommy". Yes, son. Still in this day and age, Michael is still magic to a generation in the making. He is the soundtrack to many generations...he is the theme music for HOPE.

It didn't hit me until I watched my son rocking back and forth to Man in the Mirror, and he looked at me with his big brown eyes and said "Mommy, he knew a little change in some of us could make a big change for all of us". And that's when the tears came. My nine year old, always speaking so plainly but always speaking something I need to hear. I'm always so thankful that it seems his voice is the voice of MY reason, MY blessings, what needs to be the reflection in MY mirror.

When he asked me what Michael did wrong, I had no desire and felt it unnecessary to explain the details to him. I told him that in my heart, I know Michael Jackson would never hurt a child. I do believe he did some things that were inappropriate for an adult to do-but not maliciously. I asked him if he could imagine a life where he couldn't go to school, couldn't play sports, couldn't do ANYTHING but make sure EVERYTHING he did was to please the millions of eyes on him. Most of us can't do right only in the eyes of God...could we be responsible for nations?? As I listen to Michael's pleas to help children around the world, to make ways to end suffering, it just breaks my heart that he couldn't save the child suffering the most-himself.

What Michael Jackson did for music will never, ever be achieved by another musician alive today-that's what I believe. He was not just an okay singer that could dance...he was not just a pretty face that could kind of carry a note, but had enough drama to create a little star power...he was not just a wanna-be artist who had mastered a computer program and could manipulate other people's songs to make it kind of his own. He was an ARTIST. A complete ARTIST. I think the biggest tragedy is that the events of his life prevented him from working with any other artist to share that talent, that vision, that MAGIC.

But his biggest accomplishment is how much he gave. I can't even comprehend the amount of love and compassion he poured out from his heart to help so many people. He set a shining example for so many people. The reminder of the example that he set for other artists, people, philanthropists, and others just makes me feel like I didn't appreciate him enough when he was here. Even if I was never to meet him-he should have been held up as a higher example.

Watching his memorial made me laugh, cry, and remember how his songs touched my life. And then I think if it touched my life like that-I can only imagine what he has done for other people. Watching his daughter extend her love to her father made me remember that we are all capable of doing so much more than we do-there are just very few of us who are willing to put ourselves out there to maximize our potential.

Listening to his music today makes me feel like I loved his music because of him, and I loved the songs because of him, but they never truly penetrated my heart, my mind, and my soul as a trinity. I am looking in my mirror, and I know that's where the change has to start.

"A little change in some of us could make a big change for all of us"
It's not the first time my son has said this...it's just the first time I really heard him.

One of the first songs I taught my son to harmonize to was "You are not alone".


And I'm not.

The Things I Will Never Do...Again.

Recently, I have found that it is interesting, sometimes liberating-sometimes suffocating, but interesting to look at your own life with renewed perspective. Looking back on the past few months, I'm just amazed at the roller coaster of emotions I've been on, but this reflection isn't bad. I feel like I've been on this ride before, but now I'm riding with my seatbelt on expecting the ups and downs instead of holding on for dear life hoping that I don't fall out.



It's hard to wrap my head around all the thoughts and put them together cohesively because there's so much. It's amazing how much breadth and freedom PEACE gives to you. There was a time when I wouldn't have been able to process barely one thing at a time because every piece of me was in turmoil. And now I understsand-PEACE that surpasses all understanding. How thankful I am that every single unexpected turn now invokes a smile and a "Thank you Jesus", instead of tears and terror. How thankful I am that every obstacle that comes my way makes me glow because I'm amazed that God is still yet making me better. And when I make mistakes now, instead of pretending like I don't know better or don't care-I feel the error right away. I am only human-but I am so much more in tune with ME.



Now on the subject of mistakes-I've made a couple that I'm not necessarily proud of, not necessarily sorry for, and not completely sure if I should consider them mistakes, personal weakness, or....??? What I can say, is that I am so proud of myself for letting myself FEEL. For working through my feelings and doing what's good for ME, doing what makes ME feel good, looking at myself in the mirror and saying "YOU DESERVE THE WORLD and it's YOURS FOR THE TAKING!"



**Sidenote**If we don't talk often, you might be confused by the names we have assigned to these men-and also-I want all my single women to get in on the nicknaming convention me and my BFF's have taken up-it's so much more fun!**



True enough, about a month ago I was absolutely conflicted with how to feel. Mr. Special Agent IS perfect, he's everything I could ever want, ask, and hope for. But he's not HERE. How can I hold on to a relationship that may or may not happen? How can I commit myself to someone that is not even sure what the next steps are in his life? Why am I trying to do that anyway? My feelings stand as they are. I think he is absolutely amazing, I stand by that. But so am I. We have talked about taking the next steps but what I realized is that it is in my nature to make it so easy for them, to do what I can to show that I'm in it 100%. I take five steps forward and just hold my hand back waiting for that person to grasp it so I can help them along. I can't do that anymore. I let him know where I STAND. I'm not moving forward without him, I'm not going anywhere. I'm HERE. And if here is where he wants to be-he can take the steps. I've shown him where my heart is, I've shown him who I am, I've shown him what he can have and that is all I will do. No more trying to figure out what I can do to be more, I'm all I NEED to be. He is amazing, but so am I. It will happen anyway that it will happen. I am here and willing. What more can I do? I've done enough. I think we could be great together, but I'm just not going to spend any more time wondering, hoping, wishing-it is what it is. It will be what it will be. I'm HERE.



So it seems that when you move on all your ex's seem to want to move in because you are "The best thing that ever happened to them". Well, guess what? I knew that when you LEFT ME. I can look back and remember when each one used to leave an imprint on what I thought was my heart, but it was really my pride. The constant questions of WHY did he do this...WHY did he do that. I realized a long time ago that no matter what someone's explanation was, it will NEVER be good enough for your heart. I had to learn that forgiveness comes from inside. Forgiveness is when you don't need an explanation, you don't need an apology, you don't need anything from that person and you don't wish harm upon them. Probably for most women the hardest thing to deal with is when a man cheats on you because you want to know what SHE had that you don't. It doesn't matter. In a lot of relationships, I would ask this question but then look at myself and realize I was only getting exactly what I was giving. And in the last with Anthony (he doesn't get a nickname, doesn't deserve any thought!), I was so shocked because I hadn't given him ANY of that. I had never done anything. My constant questions of "What else could I have done" quickly turned into realizing that it was HIM that was broken not ME, and that his exit in my life was timely, necessary, and the BEST thing for ME.



A couple weeks ago I got a visit from Mr. Physics. I don't count Mr. Physics as an ex, because he was never that special to me. I know it sounds harsh, but that's real. He is a great friend to me, we have many things in common, but to his dismay-what we don't share is a mutual affection for each other. To be blunt, Mr. Physics had nothing to offer me but friendship and his body. Because he is such a good person, somewhere along the way I just didn't feel right about this since his feelings were real. We hung out from time to time, but I stopped the physical relationship because I didn't want to lead him on to think it could go somewhere else. He is gorgeous, he is well educated, he is a spiritual man, he is a GREAT catch-but he just does not do it for me. Coincidentally, Mr. Physics and Mr. Special Agent LOOK like they could be twins. They drive similar cars, they have quite different paths but have achieved similar goals, and on an amazing scale-I'd have to put them about equal. Somehow, I thought that we were good enough friends that I could share this with him. Not so. I had shared with him a couple details from my trip and I hadn't talked to him after that but I thought nothing of it, because we don't talk that often. So, after getting home from a night out with friends there was a knock on my door. I really thought it was my friends coming back because they had forgot something. Nope. Big as day, Mr. Physics with some things he needed to get off his chest. Now listen, I'm in NO WAYS interested in leading someone on, and I've told him this TIME AND TIME again. He wanted me to hear him out...and allllllllllllll the alcohol I'd consumed had different plans. I'm not proud of this. This went back to Pimpin' 101.

"I never meant to make you feel that way"

"I didn't want to hurt you, I just was scared"

"Well, yeah we can try-what kind of cologne is that?"

"OF COURSE I love/d you"

...

...

...

"Come upstairs and tell me"

Mr. Physics is not stupid, and he was not amused that I was trying to take advantage of the situation. He called me on it, AS HE SHOULD HAVE. But then wanted me to think about our situation. His argument was that I didn't have to go way out to Mr. Special Agent, when he is right HERE. But how many times do I have to tell him I don't WANT him here?

Why do we beg someone to want us when we think they should? Maybe the whole "relationship" between Mr. Physics and I bothers me because I KNOW I have done this. I know I have compared myself to someone else and said, BUT YOU CAN HAVE ME! Never again. I never meant to hurt him, but I just want to scream at him that if I can't appreciate who he is, FIND SOMEONE THAT DOES! I'm not going to beg someone to see who I am, if they can't see me for me and appreciate that-I can't make them see it. Time to move on.

I will never do that...again.

As they come out of the woodwork, I see so many things that I accepted and gave passes for that now...are just NOT ok.

So many things to never do again...

To be continued...

Talking to Monica

I am happy-ecstatic actually.

I am conflicted-completely.

I'm trying to figure out why I can find happiness for everyone else, but I question it when it comes around for me. Everything I've asked for, everything I prayed for, more than I could hope for-right in front of me and I can't step towards it.

So-I have to talk to Monica. I have to talk to Monica as if I'm not her. I have to give the advice I would give someone else-because my own mind is so in my way right now, I can't get past the blaring doubts that I'm throwing in the way.

So, to me-Monica is a woman that puts on a good face for everyone. Only those that really know her know when the true emotion comes even though not often. Monica takes care of people-believing that she should always do whatever she can for other people because it is the right thing to do, hoping that she will be blessed for her kindness and never expecting anything back in return because she sees the fruits of her labor in the ways she has been blessed and the lessons she has learned. Monica is a woman who stands whole only because she pieced herself together through not letting traumatic experiences as a child define her, and understanding the selfish person she became for a short period in her life left no one to suffer more than herself-and the consequences are and were just and self inflicted. Monica stands as a woman who wouldn't do a thing to change her past because her walk in faith has led her to know and believe that every single thing that happened to her happened for a reason and stands on it all as a living testimony that God has not given up on her and is still blessing her in the face of every adversity.

Monica is learning to trust herself. Monica is learning to not put so much trust in other people. Monica doesn't hold what people did against them, but takes it in again as a lesson for herself.

But...
Monica understands the hardships that happen in her life-but when good things come her way-Monica has a hard time believing that she deserves them.

Monica has taken control and not allowed people to hold her past against her-but just recently Monica has learned that she is holding it against herself wondering if she has been forgiven or if things will resurface.

So if Monica actually found a good thing and completely doubted that she deserved it, or that it could be something long-lasting, and/or worthwhile, and doubts that she even needs it...what would I say to her?

Maybe I would ask her to remember that when she loved, she loved hard with out question, without resignation, without doubt. That she prayed for the man in her life to be a good role model to her son. That she prayed that she would have a marriage built on a solid foundation. That she prepared herself and prayed to be a good woman of God in order to be what she needed to be for the man, child, and their future. That she had grasped the idea of being with somebody and stopped hiding behind wanting to be alone.

I would remind Monica that SHE said that she got the answer to her prayer, but God just showed her that she was ready but she hadn't found the RIGHT man. I would remind her that she was thankful that God showed her the way OUT and I would tell her to be proud of herself for NEVER looking back and not being angry.

I would remind her that she is ready. I would show her that her worries that her son would be adversely affected has turned out to be a blessing because he followed her lead and is fine. Maybe I would tell her that although she met this other man in what seemed to be way too fast for HER predetermined time limits...maybe God didn't want her to lose focus. Maybe while she is ready, he wanted to show her who she was ready for. Maybe I would tell her that although he may NOT be the one, there's nothing wrong with letting someone love you or WANT to love you and be a part of your life.

Maybe I would tell her that the things that seem too good to be true aren't too good to be true, but a blessing. I would probably definitely tell her that by not thinking she deserved these things would be saying that she doesn't believe in God-because if she asked for forgiveness those sins have been cast out. But to not believe is telling God that she doesn't trust him. Maybe I would tell her to stop asking why and just say "thank you".

And maybe-she would listen.

But maybe...what's going on inside of her is so much that she still can't hear what I would be trying to say. Not because she doesn't want to hear it, but because she doesn't know how to turn the other thoughts down.

I would tell her to try and just live in this moment the best she can. I would remind her that she knows that there is no harm in giving love because you don't lose anything-as much love as you give is as much as you gain whether it is returned or not.

I've been talking to Monica since I got back yesterday.

I want to look towards whats happening in my life with the same excitement, with the same hope that he does...but I can't find it. It hurts me so bad-but I can't find it in me to believe that somebody can give me back what I've given. I'm not afraid to give-I'm afraid to let somebody love me without wondering if hurting me comes with it. Then I think he doesn't deserve that, I think I shouldn't be like that...and I'm right back to where I started.

I think that it's too perfect, I think that we fit too well, I think that this just seems too right for it to be right. And as much as that doesn't make sense-it makes sense to me but I'm trying to really just let it go. I'm really trying.

I see something great...something WONDERFUL in front of me. I just can't go to it.

So, I'll keep talking to Monica-hoping that I find it somewhere inside of me to stop just having strength and start applying it. To be courageous enough to know that as much as I think he deserves is as much as I deserve. To know that as much as I don't know, is as much as I do know. To know that I will not be led wrong, and stop thinking things will go wrong.

I'm talking to Monica, but I just can't break through.

Monica is not broken.
Monica will not be defined by her past.
Monica deserves the happiness she wishes for others-and for once she really sees it and more than that she feels it.
Monica knows what she wants, she just needs to go for it.


Monica is frustrated.

Monica is overwhelmed.



Monica is scared.

Joy GPS

It is often said and completely true that misery loves company-but it is a state of mind that I can't wrap my head around, and I hope I never can. I am so abundantly blessed with positive people in my life that I really question how it is that I am related to some of the most negative people I know. It makes me question myself. It makes me wonder if I ever was negative like this, and most of all it shows me that God really can move if you let him.

I remember a time in my life when I was really unhappy-but I hope to God I didn't try to take other people's joy to further enhance my misery and make me feel better about myself. It seems ridiculous to me now, but I'm hoping that it was equally as ridiculous to me then. The thing about it, is that even if you rob somebody else of their joy-it's not an instant solution or location status to where YOUR's is at.

There are some people, well one person, close to me that I am constantly looking at her friends wondering why they are not as good to her as she is to them. Then I realize-they are of a like mind. She gives to them-they take from her. They are not whole-so it's easy and quite sensical to them to take and take and take, and NEVER give. And because she is in the habit of looking for attention in the wrong places-the people that give to her are the people she lashes out at because they are not taking everything they can. Isn't that sad?

I've reached a breaking point. I can't continue to show her how great she is by my actions, because they aren't appreciated. I refuse to let her take my joy or even an ounce of my happiness from me. The Joy of the LORD is my strength-so one person, regardless of who they are is not powerful enough to take that from me.

I wish there was a Joy GPS. This GPS should be free and it only requires one line.

"Your JOY is right in front of your face-PLEASE GRASP IT!"

I don't care who it is and what they are going through, we all have plenty to be joyous about. It's so not about what you're going through-it's that God trusts you to get through it. It's that he is challenging you to be BETTER, STRONGER, MORE FAITHFUL than you ever thought you could be. It's not about the "why", it's about the WHO.

I know there was a time when I would ask God why I was going through the things I was going through. And it surely did not get easier just because I was on my knees asking God to fix everything. I have come to know it's not about wanting what you want, it's about trusting God to give you what you need.

How can you not have JOY when it's not even in your hands? How can you not have JOY when you have a FATHER who is going to fix it all for you and all you have to do is believe? How can you be sad for the things you have lost when GOD is trying to show you that what he is going to help you regain is more than you could have ever thought you would have?

How can anyone live this life upset about the trials they have gone through, jealous of the people around them, drowned in negativity, surrounded by foolishness?


YOUR JOY IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.

You can't steal my joy. I can GIVE you my joy, but the thing about it is-it doesn't take away from me-it grows within ME regardless of what you decide to do with it.

I have to laugh at attempts to bring me down.

I have to scoff at people who try to get the best of me.

I have to chuckle at those who don't understand how I can be happy in the midst of everything.

I have to wink at those who can't stand the genuineness in my smile.

Every doubt,
every fear,
every emotion,
every bad thing,
every tear I've cried,
every thing I've lost,
every hurt,
every disappointment,
every THING that ever stopped me from moving upward has been wrapped up INTO my joy and is retold in the testimony of my life. Retold in every story that I tell where the ending remains the same. God trusted ME, God used ME, God LOVES ME so much that he won't let me be just good enough-he pushes me to be better. And the only thing I had to do was believe that he would, he will, he CAN.

I can't locate your Joy for you, but the GPS can tell you where it is.

Grasp it.

Nobody can take it from you-but it will remain where it is until you take it for yourself.

RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE might seem like a long way away, but if you believe it is there, you can grasp it...

And hold onto it so tightly that it can never be taken away.

Joy that God Provides Sufficiently!!

The Simplicity Detox

It's not that I haven't been writing...it's that I haven't taken the time to finish the entries that I've started. Sometimes when life is pushing you along, it's hard to take a moment to reflect on where you've been because you got here so fast!

Things have been good for me. The weight loss is going well, although it is now turning into more size loss and I have been getting a little aggravated with a pound or two gained, but I also started toning a lot more-so the solution is to stay off the scale and just stay focused!!

I'm running an impossible schedule right now. The boy has a full docket every DAY. Trying to manage that AND my life would seem to be unmanageable-but we don't speak that, we just do the impossible, thank God for the ability and keep it moving!

I feel so FREE. I've taken on the task of cleaning up the last of these debts that for so long I let anger me because they are not MINE, but from being taken advantage of in a relationship. And the more I learn about myself, about God, and about life-I realize that in some way these debts are mine-I WILL be responsible for the choices I make, and I will pay in one way or another. So, I have promised God and myself that I will pay for them. I went to a financial seminar so that I would be able assist in providing the classes at my church, but I was so blessed by the presentation. Confirmation from God that I am indeed on the right track, and from my calculations and Dave's plan, I should be debt free in about 10-14 months! YES!!

And, much to my own dismay-I have met somebody. I didn't plan for this to happen at all. In my own plan-I was going to be single for an undefined amount of time and just love on me for a while. Not that I don't know how to do it...I just enjoy being by myself. To me, I had learned so much from this relationship-I had gained so much MORE for myself. I'm not mad at him, I don't hate HIM, I just don't respect what he did or the person he showed me at ALL. But why would I be upset about that? I loved him the way you should love somebody you plan on spending the rest of your life with. I'm not sorry for any thing, any moment, any part of me that I gave him because I gave it in love. I did not give it without being able to truly give-I gave to him BECAUSE I am whole...and whatever he took from me-I am STILL whole. His exit from my life didn't change me, it made me realize how much better I am. I did ask God to make me the woman I needed to be for my husband, I did ask God to make me whole to be a good wife-and God showed me that he did that-and he also showed me that the husband I thought was mine was not for me at all. And I'm not mad. I am glad he showed me everything he did in order, and I am glad that if nothing else-God showed me that I should and CAN trust myself if I am trusting in HIM like I am supposed to. I'm thankful for that. There is nothing to be bitter about. I did not lose a thing that takes away from who I am. I lost 230 pounds of confusion, and I don't want it back.

Best Detox EVER. Thank you LORD for cleansing my soul.

However, this is not the simplicity detox I speak of.

I met the Mr. Sir through a mutual friend. We started chatting on Facebook (yes it's overtaking my life as well) and then it moved on to texting and phone conversation. We hit it off pretty much instantly. Because I am who I am, I thought maybe I just like him because I'm rebounding...I know myself better than that. I just learned that I could really trust myself, right? He doesn't live near me, so the only thing we can do is talk. I'm actually kind of glad, because when you get in someone's face-well at least when I do-if there is an attraction there, I'll act on it. Whether it be too soon or not, I'm grown. Doesn't matter. However, I've also made a vow that I was going to take better care of MY temple and act the way I am supposed to. So again, I am not perfect and definitely NOT a survivor of my own flesh-I'm glad he's long distance.

Over the phone, he seemed perfect. A man telling me things that makes it seem like he has sense doesn't mean to ME that he has good sense. It means he has good enough sense to say the things he should. Our conversations were deep. He had no fear to ask me the things he wanted to know, and I have nothing to hide-so his questions got answered. Now, I started talking to him like two weeks after the break up, but I have to tell you-there are no lingering feelings. I was just as done then as I am now. The issue was not that I still had feelings for my ex, just that I thought this might be happening way too soon. He is so different. With the ex, I would ALWAYS say he didn't care about what I did. And somehow, I let that be okay with me when it is so clearly NOT. So, now I had a man who would ask me about what I did and come back the next day asking questions after he had researched my company, projects I might be working on, things I might be interested in. Different. Being a scholar himself with a M.A. in Psychology, he challenged me to learn more about things I didn't know much about and I found we were going back and forth on an intellectual level that I really had only experienced with close friends or the peers I deem to be "as nerdy" as me. This was very refreshing!!

Somewhere along the way, naturally we started talking about meeting in person. We became friends very quickly. Conversation was easy...the thing that bothered me was that it was thoughts Mr. Sir that overtook thoughts of the ex, so in my mind-I was maybe just using one to get over the other. One day Mr. Sir posed the question "Do you think we will hit it off when we meet?" Of course! Why wouldn't he? He constantly had me laughing, always had me smiling, and I couldn't wait to talk to him more and more with every day just to see what he would be wanting to talk about next. He said, "Well you should be mines then". Being the person I am, I told him that if he ever asked that question in real life, he better NOT say "mines" and that I could not agree to that because we had never met. That's weird! So he said, okay-I'll be there next week. I was shocked! I told him my schedule is impossible and I'd be busy. And really-I might be ready to move on-but I told him there is NO WAY he could meet my son now. It's too early-too confusing. I already feel bad enough about bringing the ex into his life, PERIOD.

And then he opened up my mind to the simplicity I had been dealing with probably all my life and motivated me to do this detox.

His spiel went kind of like this:

OHHHHHHHHHHH, I see you are used to dealing with simple ass
minded negroes The kind that blow your back out 15 times
and in a month or so you are asking yourself "Where do we stand?", "What are we
doing?" because you never set any boundaries. Then you talk yourself into
thinking you have to know about him and he needs to know about you-and a S.A.N.
would use the things in your past to hold against you because his simple ass is
still trying to do what he wants to do. A REAL MAN could care less about
your damn past.

He went on to say:

I think you're an AMAZING woman and what you have been through in the past
makes you who YOU are, so at the end of the day I will just think MORE highly of
you if that's possible BECAUSE of what you've been through. A REAL
MAN knows enough to know-this woman is amazing-I know she's what I'm looking for
and I DARE NOT disrespect her and try to do any of these things we speak of
OUTSIDE of a relationship because I respect the woman that she is and she
deserves more than just to be a piece of ass.

I was absolutely speechless. And I was ten shades of stupid darker,
and ten pounds of clarity lighter...

And in my silence he continued on:

OR...maybe you're used to the S.A.N. that at some point agrees to be with you
but spends years trying to make sure there's nothing better out there, all the
while missing out on how the two of you could be growing together and missing
out on the little things about you everyday that he COULD be learning-but
instead uses simple ass excuses to make you feel bad about
YOURSELF. A REAL MAN doesn't need a time stipulation because a real
man knows enough about the simple bytches he's been with to know what he doesn't
want. Just like women, a man knows very quickly what his intentions
are with a certain woman or what they could be-just a real man acts on it NOW
rather than later realizing that if he hasn't found what he's looking for he's
REAL ENOUGH to let her go.

The only response I could utter is that it was just too soon. Somehow I thought this would end the open-handed slaps to my face that I had always known but never heard verbalized in my own reality.

And in response:

OHHHHHHHHHH...so you thought you found what you wanted in a man right? I
agree-so now that he messed up does that all change? Or, do you just
realize that what you thought you saw was what you wanted to see and instead of
handing out "it's okay to be simple" passes, you find a real man that doesn't
NEED a pass because he IS that man. So being alone for a certain period of
time will allow for you to find that man.

He said:

You're absolutely right...they hand out a timeline for when a woman is ready.

Can I plead the fifth here?? Can this guy SHUTUP? Or can he apologize for not saying out loud what I knew but needed to hear YEARS ago. I told him I was tired, wanted to get off the phone.

I didn't get off that easy.

Don't get mad at ME. I'm a real man. You're a smart,
educated, focused woman with goals-I guess I just assumed that you knew and were
smart enough to know that you deserve somebody that appreciates you for who you
are and wants nothing more than to explore your entire mind to find out
everything he can about you because you are just that special and you don't have
to do a thing for anybody to see that.

Maybe I'm too complex for you. Cause all those s.a.n.'s-I bet you
thought you knew them better than they knew themself. You felt like ya'll
were close and you "got him". How hard is it to understand someone
one step up from a single cell life form. Hell yeah you knew that
knukka...they read like Dr. Seuss!!

Then went on to ask if next week was too soon, because he wasn't trying to let me go. Then said:

Oh, wait-what are you waiting for me say...Aw girl...I don't have no money.
can you buy me a ticket? Or-my funds ain't right right now...let me
see what I can do. NOPE. I can come get in your face or you can
come get in mine-but we will be face to face. I might not be the
right man for you, but if I'm not I hope you find the GOOD REAL man that is
because if I don't deserve you, you definitely deserve a great man that matches
who YOU are. I don't want to take anything from you, I want us to be
able to add TO each other.

Later on at some point-his concern was that I had not necessarily told my son that things between me and the ex are over. My son is very in tune with me, and although I had not laid it out in black in white-I'm pretty sure he's aware of what happened.

Mr. Sir then asked me if the ex wanted children. I told him that he was very bitter about HIS ex having a baby by someone else, and that he had told me at one time that he would rather experience having a child with someone who was having their first child too. I then said "But that changed..."

He interrupted me and asked if I was serious. Asked a question that gets under my skin more than I had ever known "You're smart, right?" I was obviously offended and asked why the question?! He said that him taking that statement back was like somebody saying something when they're drunk, then saying they don't mean it when everybody knows they do!! He asked if for one second I thought that if I had another child if that child wouldn't take priority over mine. He asked how could I be serious about letting a S.A.N. with BABY ENVY raise my child. Mr. Sir made it very plain to me in the beginning that if my child was 5 or under he could not be bothered because he's not a fan of small children. He said that he would do much better with an older child, but wanting children to him doesn't mean having a brand new baby. He said if that is the situation he is in with me or ANY woman, he would want to not be viewed as "the mother's husband/boyfriend". He said he could not live in a situation where he was not being the best father he could be to the child of the woman he loved-that loving her would mean loving him, and being a father would mean being a father to that child FIRST before planning for any other.

Again...no words.

It's not that anything he said is not what us "girls" have been telling each other for years after we get through our own experiences. Why it was so different to hear it from a man, I don't know. Or maybe, it was just the right time for me to receive it. This man didn't know as much about me as others and could stand up and say I'm amazing and is willing to bet that what I've been through has made me who I am. It's what I've been screaming from the inside out to deaf ears for so many years. It made him seem too good to be true. It made me mad instead of being flattered that somebody held me in such high regard. It made me realize that I've been ingesting a whole LOT of simple for way too long and it was time to let it GO.

So, to my relief, I had already detoxed the SIMPLENESS out of my life, but in retrospect it made me sick to realize how much of it I had taken. It's all done now. I am who I am because of what I've been through.

I have promised myself to not let simple rules RULE my life and to let life flow as it comes. Knowing that in tough times I will be strong, that in good times I will be thankful, and in all times I will remain faithful.

I don't know where things will go, but I'm not going to try to plan it, I'm going to let go and see where it takes me. I'm going to stop looking back and trying to remember when I enjoyed the ride and start enjoying the ride and just holding on when it gets bumpy.

I'm going to stop settling for people who think I need to prove myself to them and know that people of a like mind, and a likeNESS to who I am will see it without being told.

I'm going to detox the simplicity of other people out of my life and never let it back in. Much like dieting, it's a lifestyle change.

Simplicity Detox...The only miracle diet where you gain so much with the loss of what ends up really being so little.