When God Moves

In the midst of dealing with the cards that you think life has dealt you, God has a way of moving things in and out of perspective.

Today, I received another text from Mr. But it's not a text I would have EVER wanted to receive.

"Hey folks my dad is gonna have to have emergency open heart surgery due to a torn artery...Keep my fam in prayer"

Then:

"Okay at the moment my father had a heart catheterization. He had blockage in a few arteries and a tear in one which would have resulted in open heart surgery. They called the surgeon but he was in surgery with another patient...Thus they put two stints in the arteries and will continue to monitor him over the next 5 days. He is not out of the woods yet and open heart surgery is still very much an option...So keep us lifted!..."

When your heart falls, you can literally hear and feel the thud in your chest. I was overtaken with emotion, fear, and so I just moved into action like I do. I sent this prayer request to all the people that I know believe and can testify to the power of prayer. I took a moment and put everything else in my head to the side so that I could take a moment and just ask God to have his way and help us understand his will. To strengthen this man and to touch his body and help him to be well.

The butterflies have been dancing in my stomach ever since. It's not about me right now. It's about this family. I believe that God has been in their midst. Touching and healing the relationships. Giving understanding to past situations and giving motivation for current relationships. In the family-not outside, but in the family. Today, it occurred to me while I was in prayer that none of this has been about me. The whole thing has been about Mr., and that's why it was so hard for me to understand.

Did God move me out of the way so that he could work in this family? Has he kept my heart so close and full because I do have a place, just not a time right now? Has he built me up in his word, in my faith, in his will because I wasn't where I needed to be? I can only think that I have these questions because God put them on my heart.

I can not imagine the pain and turmoil that his mom is going through, any of them. But I do know that they know that God is at work. What an awesome accomplishment for a man to have led his family to God first and to know that in the midst of whatever falls before them, God will lead them around it. God will guide them. God will never let them down. I know that they know that.

I have prayed for restoration in their marriage for a long time. I have witnessed the love that they have for each other. You can't fake that. I have been praying for this for so long because I thought Mr. needed something to believe in. I thought he needed to see that they could work it through so he wouldn't have such hard feelings about it. I wanted something to believe in too. Everybody has problems, no relationship is perfect, and every relationship is work. And it has occurred to me that we should ALL know that based on the amount of work it has taken every one of us to get close to God, to stay close to God, to stay faithful, to remain obedient.

We have all failed at one time or another. But human nature makes us question ourself when we do it to others. I have sat here and prayed and prayed and prayed for his recovery. Thinking about what might happen to each one of them individually-then reminding myself to not even THINK that negativity or possibility into existence.

It doesn't feel like I'm praying for someone else's family. I feel like I'm praying for MY family. I may not know them all, but I love them all. Because of the man that MR. is, it made me respect each and every person IN his family. I always felt welcome, and although human nature lends us to doing, saying, or acting in ways that are not in line with what our beliefs are-I felt like I was part of that family. Mr. and I were so close in who WE were, I felt like they were part of me, too.

I'm praying for them. Any thoughts that cloud any one of their minds about what they could have done or said, I'm asking God to take that away. Take away any guilt, any nervousness, any anxiety, any sadness. Take it all away and replace it with the confidence and understanding that God will hand each one of them a victory when this is all said and done. I'm praying for strength, for understanding, for increased faith where it starts to falter.

God has moved and showed me that even where I thought I was weak, I'm still strong in HIM. It is God who strengthens me and gives me wisdom. Who continually shows me how blessed I am, continually shows me that he is working, continually lightens the darkness that I struggle with from day to day.

If you are reading this-I'm asking you to pray for Mr., his father, and his family.

God is moving, there is no doubt about that. Because when he moves, we ALL feel it.

God is moving now.

He is always moving, it is just our choice to move on our own...

or move WITH him.

Thanks and I'm OK

This is the response I got.

I sent him a short e-mail just because I wanted to reach out to him and let him know I am still here. This was the response.

To this I just responded "ok"

And he asked "How are you?"

My response:

:-). I'm glad you are okay

Mr.: How are you?
Me: Easy question...but not an easy answer. I just wanted you to know I'm here and I love you. That's all.
Mr.: I'm sorry
Me: Don't be. Everything I said is exactly what I wanted you to know. That is all. I didn't mean to interfere or bother you-I know your heart. I just want you to be happy. Really.

And after a couple minutes I added:
"And I didn't want you to think I am angry. That is all...now really :-)

Mr.: I see

And that is it.

One simple conversation. An unbelievable amount of feelings. An unbearable amount of confusion. An unspeakable amount of pain.

At least he didn't come back and just say "Yeah, don't contact me".

At least he cares how I am doing.
What was I supposed to say? I'm heartbroken. Confused. Sad. Upset. Hurt. And still in love with you? And even the few words I did say I play them over and over. Did I say too much? Did I not say enough? Did telling him that's all I had to say translate to him that I don't want to say anything else?

I do know his heart. I know that he never wishes to hurt other people, and I feel like that "I'm sorry"...that's it. He said he was sorry-so now he won't feel guilty about it.

Does he know what I'm going through? Does he know how bad my heart hurts? Does he know how scared I am that that is the last conversation we will ever have?

Or is he okay? Is he really okay?

I want him to be okay, but I really want him to be okay with ME.

This is so hard. I thought that talking to him would make things easier. I thought hearing from him would make me somehow feel better.

Instead, I have more questions now than I did before.

I'm more hurt now than I was before.

And for as long as I haven't cried...now I'm crying all over again.

For as long as my stomach hasn't been flipping nervously...now I'm back to hardly being able to even hold water down.

And for as long as I thought I was getting better...my heart is broken all over again.

I make it from day to day just knowing that the next day will be better because I've gotten stronger. Today, I don't feel any stronger than I was yesterday.

Today-I am back HERE again.

"Thanks and I'm OK"

I am not okay.

I am a lot of things...okay is not one of them.

"No Way. No How. No McCain!"

Following is the text of Hilary R. Clinton's speech given at the Democratic National convention. I am not a big Hilary fan at all, but I think it is of UTMOST importance that we all stay positive, prayerful, and optimistic about this time.

I am honored to be here tonight. A proud mother. A proud Democrat. A proud American. And a proud supporter of Barack Obama.

My friends, it is time to take back the country we love.

Whether you voted for me, or voted for Barack, the time is now to unite as a single party with a single purpose. We are on the same team, and none of us can sit on the sidelines.

This is a fight for the future. And it's a fight we must win.

I haven't spent the past 35 years in the trenches advocating for children, campaigning for universal health care, helping parents balance work and family, and fighting for women's rights at home and around the world ... to see another Republican in the White House squander the promise of our country and the hopes of our people.

And you haven't worked so hard over the last 18 months, or endured the last eight years, to suffer through more failed leadership.

No way. No how. No McCain.

Barack Obama is my candidate. And he must be our president.

Tonight we need to remember what a presidential election is really about. When the polls have closed, and the ads are finally off the air, it comes down to you — the American people, your lives, and your children's futures.

For me, it's been a privilege to meet you in your homes, your workplaces, and your communities. Your stories reminded me everyday that America's greatness is bound up in the lives of the American people — your hard work, your devotion to duty, your love for your children, and your determination to keep going, often in the face of enormous obstacles.

You taught me so much, you made me laugh, and ... you even made me cry. You allowed me to become part of your lives. And you became part of mine.

I will always remember the single mom who had adopted two kids with autism, didn't have health insurance and discovered she had cancer. But she greeted me with her bald head painted with my name on it and asked me to fight for health care.

I will always remember the young man in a Marine Corps T-shirt who waited months for medical care and said to me: "Take care of my buddies; a lot of them are still over there ... and then will you please help take care of me?"

I will always remember the boy who told me his mom worked for the minimum wage and that her employer had cut her hours. He said he just didn't know what his family was going to do.

I will always be grateful to everyone from all fifty states, Puerto Rico and the territories, who joined our campaign on behalf of all those people left out and left behind by the Bush Administration.

To my supporters, my champions — my sisterhood of the traveling pantsuits — from the bottom of my heart: Thank you.

You never gave in. You never gave up. And together we made history.

Along the way, America lost two great Democratic champions who would have been here with us tonight. One of our finest young leaders, Arkansas Democratic Party Chair, Bill Gwatney, who believed with all his heart that America and the South could be and should be Democratic from top to bottom.

And Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, a dear friend to many of us, a loving mother and courageous leader who never gave up her quest to make America fairer and smarter, stronger and better. Steadfast in her beliefs, a fighter of uncommon grace, she was an inspiration to me and to us all.

Our heart goes out to Stephanie's son, Mervyn, Jr., and Bill's wife, Rebecca, who traveled to Denver to join us at our convention.

Bill and Stephanie knew that after eight years of George Bush, people are hurting at home, and our standing has eroded around the world. We have a lot of work ahead.

Jobs lost, houses gone, falling wages, rising prices. The Supreme Court in a right-wing headlock and our government in partisan gridlock. The biggest deficit in our nation's history. Money borrowed from the Chinese to buy oil from the Saudis.

Putin and Georgia, Iraq and Iran.

I ran for president to renew the promise of America. To rebuild the middle class and sustain the American Dream, to provide the opportunity to work hard and have that work rewarded, to save for college, a home and retirement, to afford the gas and groceries and still have a little left over each month.

To promote a clean energy economy that will create millions of green collar jobs.

To create a health care system that is universal, high quality, and affordable so that parents no longer have to choose between care for themselves or their children or be stuck in dead end jobs simply to keep their insurance.

To create a world class education system and make college affordable again.

To fight for an America defined by deep and meaningful equality — from civil rights to labor rights, from women's rights to gay rights, from ending discrimination to promoting unionization to providing help for the most important job there is: caring for our families. To help every child live up to his or her God-given potential.

To make America once again a nation of immigrants and a nation of laws.

To bring fiscal sanity back to Washington and make our government an instrument of the public good, not of private plunder.

To restore America's standing in the world, to end the war in Iraq, bring our troops home and honor their service by caring for our veterans.

And to join with our allies to confront our shared challenges, from poverty and genocide to terrorism and global warming.

Most of all, I ran to stand up for all those who have been invisible to their government for eight long years.

Those are the reasons I ran for president. Those are the reasons I support Barack Obama. And those are the reasons you should too.

I want you to ask yourselves: Were you in this campaign just for me? Or were you in it for that young Marine and others like him? Were you in it for that mom struggling with cancer while raising her kids? Were you in it for that boy and his mom surviving on the minimum wage? Were you in it for all the people in this country who feel invisible?

We need leaders once again who can tap into that special blend of American confidence and optimism that has enabled generations before us to meet our toughest challenges. Leaders who can help us show ourselves and the world that with our ingenuity, creativity, and innovative spirit, there are no limits to what is possible in America.

This won't be easy. Progress never is. But it will be impossible if we don't fight to put a Democrat in the White House.

We need to elect Barack Obama because we need a President who understands that America can't compete in a global economy by padding the pockets of energy speculators, while ignoring the workers whose jobs have been shipped overseas. We need a president who understands that we can't solve the problems of global warming by giving windfall profits to the oil companies while ignoring opportunities to invest in new technologies that will build a green economy.

We need a President who understands that the genius of America has always depended on the strength and vitality of the middle class.

Barack Obama began his career fighting for workers displaced by the global economy. He built his campaign on a fundamental belief that change in this country must start from the ground up, not the top down. He knows government must be about "We the people" not "We the favored few."

And when Barack Obama is in the White House, he'll revitalize our economy, defend the working people of America, and meet the global challenges of our time. Democrats know how to do this. As I recall, President Clinton and the Democrats did it before. And President Obama and the Democrats will do it again.

He'll transform our energy agenda by creating millions of green jobs and building a new, clean energy future. He'll make sure that middle class families get the tax relief they deserve. And I can't wait to watch Barack Obama sign a health care plan into law that covers every single American.

Barack Obama will end the war in Iraq responsibly and bring our troops home _a first step to repairing our alliances around the world.

And he will have with him a terrific partner in Michelle Obama. Anyone who saw Michelle's speech last night knows she will be a great first lady for America.

Americans are also fortunate that Joe Biden will be at Barack Obama's side. He is a strong leader and a good man. He understands both the economic stresses here at home and the strategic challenges abroad. He is pragmatic, tough, and wise. And, of course, Joe will be supported by his wonderful wife, Jill.

They will be a great team for our country.

Now, John McCain is my colleague and my friend.

He has served our country with honor and courage.

But we don't need four more years ... of the last eight years.

More economic stagnation ... and less affordable health care.

More high gas prices ... and less alternative energy.

More jobs getting shipped overseas ... and fewer jobs created here.

More skyrocketing debt ... home foreclosures ... and mounting bills that are crushing our middle class families.

More war ... less diplomacy.

More of a government where the privileged come first ... and everyone else comes last.

John McCain says the economy is fundamentally sound. John McCain doesn't think that 47 million people without health insurance is a crisis. John McCain wants to privatize Social Security. And in 2008, he still thinks it's OK when women don't earn equal pay for equal work.

With an agenda like that, it makes sense that George Bush and John McCain will be together next week in the Twin Cities. Because these days they're awfully hard to tell apart.

America is still around after 232 years because we have risen to the challenge of every new time, changing to be faithful to our values of equal opportunity for all and the common good.

And I know what that can mean for every man, woman, and child in America. I'm a United States senator because in 1848 a group of courageous women and a few brave men gathered in Seneca Falls, New York, many traveling for days and nights, to participate in the first convention on women's rights in our history.

And so dawned a struggle for the right to vote that would last 72 years, handed down by mother to daughter to granddaughter — and a few sons and grandsons along the way.

These women and men looked into their daughters' eyes, imagined a fairer and freer world, and found the strength to fight. To rally and picket. To endure ridicule and harassment. To brave violence and jail.

And after so many decades — 88 years ago on this very day — the 19th amendment guaranteeing women the right to vote would be forever enshrined in our Constitution.

My mother was born before women could vote. But in this election my daughter got to vote for her mother for president.

This is the story of America. Of women and men who defy the odds and never give up.

How do we give this country back to them?

By following the example of a brave New Yorker, a woman who risked her life to shepherd slaves along the Underground Railroad.

And on that path to freedom, Harriet Tubman had one piece of advice.

If you hear the dogs, keep going.

If you see the torches in the woods, keep going.

If they're shouting after you, keep going.

Don't ever stop. Keep going.

If you want a taste of freedom, keep going.

Even in the darkest of moments, ordinary Americans have found the faith to keep going.

I've seen it in you. I've seen it in our teachers and firefighters, nurses and police officers, small business owners and union workers, the men and women of our military — you always keep going.

We are Americans. We're not big on quitting.

But remember, before we can keep going, we have to get going by electing Barack Obama president.

We don't have a moment to lose or a vote to spare.

Nothing less than the fate of our nation and the future of our children hang in the balance.

I want you to think about your children and grandchildren come election day. And think about the choices your parents and grandparents made that had such a big impact on your life and on the life of our nation.

We've got to ensure that the choice we make in this election honors the sacrifices of all who came before us, and will fill the lives of our children with possibility and hope.

That is our duty, to build that bright future, and to teach our children that in America there is no chasm too deep, no barrier too great — and no ceiling too high — for all who work hard, never back down, always keep going, have faith in God, in our country, and in each other.

Thank you so much. God bless America and Godspeed to you all.

Loving ME First

The urge to contact him does not get weaker by the day. I think my strength to overcome that just gets stronger.

This is hard to explain. I remember having a conversation with him where he told me that although I wasn't serious about past boyfriends like I am about him, that if anything ever did happen to never go back to being like I was. I was very touched by his sentiment. I told him that although he can look at these guys like they were scoundrels, I was nothing to nod at either.

I mean, historically-I dropped any man that sniffed at being "in love" with me. And I could never understand why they even felt that way when I never gave them any notion that my feelings were headed that way. And Mr. told me that I was a beautiful person. That people can see who I really am no matter how I try to hide it. That I deserved so much more.

I appreciated that. I told him no one had ever told me that, and I wasn't lying. And after he said that, I had a new outlook on it...because nobody should have to tell YOU how great YOU are. You should know it for yourself. Easier said than done? Of course. At the time, I was just so thankful that he really articulated this for me. It was very special to me.

At that time, I never expected to be here. Wondering why and how he could treat me like this. A two minute conversation and then nothing to follow it up with, just a multitude of questions that have not been answered and pain I could have never imagined existed.

To be honest, in some ways I may deserve this. This is EXACTLY what I did to him two years ago. But...things were not going well. It wasn't just a small argument and then I snapped and just told him "You just don't cut it homeboy!" If memory serves me correctly, I don't think I called after that...but prior to me telling him I didn't think things were working out, we were barely talking anyway.

It KILLS me everyday to not hear from him. But I think he absolutely expected me to contact him and beg him for another chance. As I look back over things, I was always quick to make it very easy to place the blame on me because I don't have any problem admitting when I'm wrong. I don't have any problem taking responsibility when I'm wrong...but in this situation...I don't see what I did wrong. I may have brought our communication problems to the forefront, but it was just in a gesture to work through things the way they WERE, not as they were to be perceived. All I did was have a standard for how I will and will not be treated. And in that standard, I also understood that I would be held to whatever his standard was as well.

A friend asked me today what was keeping me from contacting him. I don't have a good way to explain it. It's a multitude of things. First, if he needs some time...I don't see how contacting him is going to help in any way. I know that when I am angry, I need time to sort my own feelings out. I have enough respect for him that I can just let it be. He did not tell me not to contact him, but if you would have heard the tone of his voice-be assured, you would not call either.

There's a part of me that beats myself up CONSTANTLY because I didn't get on that plane the next day. Make him face me. Make him talk to me. Make it work. But he said himself-he wanted to let me know before I came out there because he didn't want to patch it up and make everything SEEM like it was working. I honestly felt like if I went out there I was setting myself up for so much failure. I have already fought for this relationship...I felt like that was a losing battle. I hope in his mind he didn't take that as a sign of defeat, or as a gesture that I did not care. I wanted to respect his space. And really, I was scared of rejection. At that point, I couldn't take any more pain.

And really, what it comes down to-is that I love that man with every breath I have in me, with every ounce of my soul...but I LOVE ME FIRST. I sent a small note to him and I feel like I opened the door of communication to let him know that I am here. Maybe it was not enough, I thought it was.

I re-read over and over again the e-mail that I was going to send to him and it occurs to me that that e-mail is about ME. It's an explanation of my feelings, and once again a very easy way for him to blame ME. And really, his actions may not be about me or anything I did. What kills me is not knowing. What hurts me is that he might be going through something, and I want to be there for him. I AM still here for him.

And because I know him, I often think that he keeps himself angry with thoughts that I may call someone else, or "fill" his spot. That is so NOT ME anymore. And while I want to reach out to him so that he knows that that is not true...the indignant part of me says that I SHOWED him that I AM different now. Why would I go backward? Why would I go back to contacting these people that mean nothing to me? Why would I go back to letting someone waste my time? Why would I allow anybody else to ever use me again? I won't. That's a change I have made. If he didn't see that change, I'm sorry. IF he doesn't realize that the way that I love him helped me change, I'm sorry. If he doesn't know that I meant that I will always be here for him because he IS the love of my life, I'm sorry. But I tried with all of my might, I gave all of my heart, I gave as much of my soul as a person can give. So really, I don't think I have anything to be sorry for.

I'm not perfect, but I never claimed to be. I KNOW that I may be hard to put up with, I know I can be a little feisty at times, but I also know I gave him 200% of me. I love him. My heart breaks a little more each day. My soul cries out for him every moment, but if I don't have anything else-I do have my self-respect.

All the things he said about me, yes it was nice. He told me to never let anybody else use me like that, to never let anybody hurt me again. Was he including himself in that direction?

I love him, that has not changed. I'm here for HIM and only him, that has not changed. But there is a part of me that says if I reach out and lay my heart out and make up all the excuses...then I am saying it is ok to hurt me like this, and it's not.

Everyday I hope that he can feel how much I love him.
Everyday I pray that we can work this out.
Everyday I pray for him, I pray for me, I pray for us.

And everyday, as I fight the urge to beg him to give me another chance and open up e-mails that I never send, I realize how much I really do love me.
I realize how much I've been through.
I realize how much credit I really deserve.
I realize that I have loved someone more than I ever thought possible.

And in that realization, I realize that I could have never loved him that much if I didn't love me first.

If I didn't love me, I would have nothing to offer.

And the fact of the matter is that if he came back to me right this second I would accept him with open arms and we could forget this happened. But I didn't leave him, so it makes no sense for me to go back to something I never left. I'm here.

I need to stop wondering what I did wrong.
I need to stop replaying what I could have done in my head.
I need to just stop.

Love isn't enough.
But love IS enough.

You just have to know who to love.

You have to know that that WHO is YOU.

I love me, first.

Michelle Obama, You are amazing!

The events of my personal life will have to take a back seat to the HISTORY that is happening right in this state.

If you didn't see Michelle Obama's speech, you did yourself a disservice.
Here is a link:
Michelle Obama's Speech

Black people, minority people, ALL people that have been waiting for a CHANGE should be on this man's team regardless of whether you agree 100% with his views or NOT!

Try to grasp what this CHANGE really entails.

CHANGE we can believe in.

Absolutely!

Educate yourself. No time like the present!!

Barack Obama's Website
Website of the Democratic National Convention

Mean what you say!

While walking around the lake yesterday, I had an "experience" I guess I will call it.

Let me first explain the scenario. The lake is in a central area of town. The scenery is beautiful, as are most places in this area. However, it would be considered to be in a part of town where "questionable" activities often take place. I think I go to the lake because it gives me some rest from the chaos in my own head. Sometimes I laugh at what I see, sometimes I'm touched by what I see, but I'm almost always amused.

Everyday, there is a group of men who have gathered at the lake with their coolers at hand and bicycles parked nearby. They sit on a picnic table located between two trees and they play dominoes. Now I often am at the lake at various times of the day, and without fail-they are there. I've often been envious of the simplicity that their day to day lives must entail. Just an outside observation.

Everyday, there are dozens of kids on the playground. Seems that now that school has started it's usually a daycare group or something of the sort. Mixed in will be parents with their children. Either watching them play, or sitting and reading while they play. The site of this is sweet to me...then it makes my stomach turn...but I always just walk past it with a smile on my face. Someday.

Everyday there are couples either walking around the lake or sitting by the lake. It often makes me sad...but then I just pray that they have the kind of love I had. And I pray they appreciate it. Nothing like not knowing the worth of something until it's gone.

And everyday, there is me. Walking that mile and a half and pondering whatever it is that is in and around my mind that day. It allows me to exert my restlessness, nervousness, anxiety, sadness and whatever else I may be feeling.

Often while walking around the lake you will either walk past somebody or cross paths with somebody going the other way. To be honest, I'm usually so lost in my thoughts they don't get any recognition from me at all. However, when it's one of "us", I usually nod my head or say "how you doing?" in rhetoric because that's what we do.

Yesterday I was walking along deep in thought. A man approached me, and as I said "How you doing" he at the same time said "Good day to you, my sister". And because he said it so loud and my words were soft, he didn't hear me. I kept walking. He must have stopped and turned around. He said "I SAID Good day to you! You can't speak?!!" I kept on walking. I don't have time for buffoonery. And a couple moments passed by and he screamed "F**K YOU!". I laughed out loud.

I actually needed that laugh, and actually I needed that dissection of my thoughts so that I had something new to think about. The lake is a circle, so I wondered if I would cross his path again. But I didn't. I thought about him while walking. YOu know, how silly would he feel if he had known I did acknowledge him? And regardless of if I did or not, was it necessary to curse at me because I didn't repay his greeting?

It reminded me of a certain e-mail I should have never read. It reminded me of exactly what I said about the person that read that. You know, we never know WHOSE path we are crossing. When we offer a greeting to someone in passing, they just may really need that greeting. Maybe that person is looking for someone to really reach out to them and a simple "hello" will give them that uplift that they need. So to me, it is very important to mean what you say. And say it not because you expect something back, but because you really mean it. If you really mean to wish somebody a good day-say it, mean it, and then keep it moving!!

What if I had been really down and out and that last EFF YOU put me over the edge. How would that person feel if they knew that two words had caused somebody to take drastic action?

In this "events" of my life as of late-this has been a topic that resurfaces in my head. Not necessarily just saying things, but also doing them. In my opinion it is important to do and say the things that you mean because you want to, not because you expect something in return. Because really-if you don't get the things you expect back-you will be mad at the other person, but for what really? Because they couldn't read your mind and know what you expected back? I mean, if you really say and do things because you WANT to, I just think you have to believe you will receive that blessing back somewhere-but if you do things from YOUR heart because YOU want to-you shouldn't expect anything. You should feel good about doing what YOU want to do.

I wasn't largely affected by the man's words. I try not to let words hurt me. It gave me a good laugh actually. If my failure to return his greeting ruined his day...oh well. He shouldn't have depended on me or anybody else to give him what he needs.

Mean what you say.

Mean what you do.

And know that at the end of the day, if you don't-that other person may or may not care.

If you MEAN it, it shouldn't matter.

Trying to believe

I got this in an e-mail...I am trying to believe, too.



A Birth Certificate shows that we were born

A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.


I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they do love each other.
I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
we understand that friends change.
I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt
you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over
the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.
I Believe...
That it' s taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.
I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I Believe...
that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
we do, no matter how we feel.
I Believe...
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I Believe...
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I Believe...
That my best friend and I, can do anything, or nothing and have the best time.
I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you
when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them and less to do
with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I Believe...
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.
I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same
thing and see something totally different.
I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don't even know you.
I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when
a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I Believe...
That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in , I just did.
'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything.' Be sure to make the most of your life!!
~Bobbi Messelt

The day to day "EASE"

One of the things that I have come to expect every day, but am never prepared for is the question "Doesn't it get easier every day?" or some form of that query with different words.

And inevitably, I answer yes.

Without fail, my insides scream NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It does not get easier everyday. If anything, it's harder.

It's one more day that I still have no answers, that I still have no idea how I got here, that I still want my life back as it was two weeks and five days ago!

Today, I thought maybe I will send him a note:

"Hey-
I have written you a thousand times to tell you how I feel, but I realize this is not about me. I just want you to know that I miss you, I love you, and everything I promised you...I meant. I hope that we can talk soon"

I just replay these words or variations of these words in my head.
And then the rage.

Then immediately I am pissed off for sounding so desperate. Frustrated for really wanting to reach out to him when it is apparent that he has no need to do the same. My heart really wants to believe that he is hurting too, but my head tells me that he can't be hurting TOO badly if he was able to just move on.

My heart tells me that he did love me the way I thought he did, and he still does. My head tells me that if he loved me like that, I wouldn't be hurting like this.

EVERYTHING reminds me of him. He is everywhere. Every song, every street, every feeling, everyTHING. Little things around my house. Do I box them up and throw them away? No, I leave them where they are. Because inside of me, I keep hoping he will appear. I keep hoping he will come back. And I tell myself that if he does, I will show him that I never gave up.

The only thing that is easier is the ability to control myself. Now I can swallow the tears so they never fall down my cheeks. I can mask the pain so it's not so easy to read on my face. I can pretend like he is not in my thoughts every waking second of every day.

My life has become robotic. The same things every day to just get through the day.

Waking up in the morning and thanking God for the day. Searching for all the people that I know to be thankful for and all the people to pray for that I know need it. And then, in desperation asking him to please bring him back to me. Then apologizing for asking so vainly. Then asking God to just help me, and strengthen me for whatever it is he is preparing me for-and then thanking him for trusting me to go through it.

Then I promise myself I won't be upset when I look at my phone and KNOW that nothing will be there. Except every morning, those are the first tears I swallow because I wish he was there. I ponder reaching out to him for moments, and then I robotically go on about my day.

I pray in the shower for strength. I pray for understanding. I pray for direction. And every day, I find myself praying for him. Praying that he follow his dream. Praying that God help his vision come to life. Praying that he is happy. Praying that he knows and feels that I love him. I don't swallow those tears. I let them fall with the water.

And when I wake up my son. I put on a smile. And everyday, he opens his eyes, smiles at me, and lifts up his arm. Every morning I duck my head underneath his arms, and as he squeezes my neck and says "Good morning Mama", I swallow tears again. Not because he hurt me...but because he accepts me for who I am, and because he deserves more than this miserable existence I have come to be.

And every morning he says "What's wrong Mama?" and I smile at him and tell him I'm just tired. And he asks me if I slept well, and I say "kind of", and he just hugs me. Today he said "I'll help you with the housework so you can go to bed early". I smile and tell him that's not his job. And I walk out of the room instantly angry with myself. He deserves so much more.

Everyday I remember that this was my life before. Before we ever got together, this is what I did everyday and I was happy. I also remember that I used people to "fill in" the spots where I got lonely and I thought that was okay. I'll never go back to that again.

I don't need anybody like that. I don't need meaningless "friendships" to carry me from here to there. I'm done with that. I have so much more respect for myself that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than allow someone to ever USE ME like that again and walk away thinking I had the upper hand. No time for that.

I want him. That's all I want. I miss him so much I can't stand it. I miss his friendship. I miss his love. I miss everything. I miss telling him about my day. I miss hearing about his. I miss simple text messages. I miss simple phone conversations about nothing. I miss sharing every funny thing I see with him. I miss listening to his voice. I miss loving him.

Everytime I pass a playground, a mother with a baby, a family-I miss even sharing the future with him. Finally, I had become okay with sharing my dreams too. I had stopped being scared to dream and believe and I had grasped on to what our future would be. I had finally been able to picture my life with someone for the rest of MY life. More than anything I wanted to give him his first child to hold. I wanted to share a house with him. I wanted to just sleep next to him every night so that we could wake up together in the morning and start another, wonderful, perfect day in our life.

It does not get easier from day to day. Everyday I fight harder to hold onto my dreams. Everyday I pray harder to find peace in my mind and my soul. And everyday-I just feel like he is further and further away from my reach. Yet everyday, I still hope that it will be the day that this is over and he comes back to me.

Everyday I learn so much about myself. Everyday I learn that I"m stronger than I was the day before, only because this hurt gets worse by the second. Everyday is one more day that I have to learn how to be without him again, and everyday is another day that I don't want to have to do that.

It does not get easier by the day. It has not gotten easier by the week. I don't expect it will get easier by the month.

It just gets easier for me to hide my feelings because I don't know who they matter to.

Everyday is another day that on the inside I am dying.
Everyday is another day that I push my tears back and just let the heaviness remain inside me.
Everyday is not a better day-it's just a day that I have become better at being what I am.

But-everyday, I still hope that tomorrow is a better day.
All I have is hope-that's all that keeps me going.
Everyday.