What I Deserve

Today started out as a great day.

I got to work early, some little surprises work wise-nothing major.

Then, the normal text message in an attempt to ruffle my feathers, but this one did ruffle my feathers. It's unimportant to put up what was actually said to me...but just to make a long story short...I have a child who is with the other parent, and they have no real relationship up to this point. I'm sure on another occasion I will write more in depth about this...but it is what it is.

Immediately, I asked for prayer. You know, now that I think about that-that's an accomplishment kind of in and of itself. I can remember a time where my temper would have flared and I would have been so angry I didn't know what to do. Then so sad I couldn't make heads or tails of anything. Then sitting at the table of my own pity party that nobody else wanted to attend.

Not today. I asked for prayer. Not for me, but for another person. Can I pray for this person, yes. But I also realize that before I send up any prayers in vain, I have to talk to God about the feelings I am having about this person and this situation. See, I'm past the point in my life where I ask God "WHY". He has been too good to me. How dare I ask "why"? Instead, I say thank you God for the living testimony...forgive me for acting this way. Help ME to forgive this person, knowing that it is not for HIM but for me. Forgive me for making any judgments on why he does what he does, and THANK YOU God for blessing me because I already know you have it all under control. HELP ME to receive the blessing that you are raining down on me, and thank you for trusting me to get through this as a true child of God.

My how things change.

I'm also thankful that I have a group of people that I can go to and ask them to pray. People that honestly believe and know in the power of prayer, and people that would correct me in love if they thought my feelings were uncalled for or unnecessary.

Now, I did receive a reply back that said:

"He doesn't deserve any prayers"

Now this was a statement made in haste...a statement made my a mother who has walked in my shoes and gone the distance. Someone I can truly look to for guidance and support. I didn't take her words literally, but it did make me think.

My response to that was everybody deserves to be prayed for, but nobody deserves to be judged. See, I won't let this man take any of my joy away for the decisions that he has made. I won't let him hinder my happiness, my security, my life not another second, not another day. I did suffer when I was with him...but it was not because of him. It was because I LET HIM. It was because instead of putting all my faith, energy, and trust in GOD, I was waiting for a man to step in and give those things to me. He did not take my joy, I let it go. He did not take my happiness, I couldn't see that MY happiness was not in HIM. He did not take my security, I let my guard down for the wrong person. But he did change my life. And I'm not bitter about that. I am ever, EVER thankful.

I can't be mad at him. He's not making choices for me. Yes, the mother in me aches for my child. But you know what? God has a plan for him to. And my job is not to protect him from anything. My job is to teach him that he can go to God for EVERYTHING and he will provide. Unlike what a lot of people teach their children, I have told and instilled in my child that I am doing the best that I can-but I might not be right. I have been honest with him and told him that I would LOVE to be everything he needs me to be, but we can only trust GOD and know that he will supply all of our needs. I spend many years wondering, just as the young lady from my church, how long people would punish me and judge me for what I had done in the past. So wouldn't I be the biggest hypocrite to do that to this man when I know what it feels like? I don't wish any ill will towards him, but all I can do is pray for him. Because the only person that will suffer the most from the consequences of the choices he has made...is him. And I won't be there to point my finger at him. I am praying that I will be there to extend a hand and tell him "You can make it". He can change. But he has to face his own self. That is not up to me. I don't know what he will need or what he needs NOW, but I'm just praying that God continue to bless him.

You see, none of us are ready or even capable of standing up to what we deserve. How many of us deserve even 1/100th of the blessings that he has given to us? If God doubted me as many times as I have doubted him, where would I be? God has brought me out of death, MORE than once. He has protected me even when I thought I was being hurt. He has trusted me, even though I spent so much time trusting him half-heartedly and only praising him when things were going right.

What I deserve, I will never get. None of us will. We will get a glimpse of what life is like if you don't trust in Him, but he is so merciful-he will never let us fail. I thank God that he hasn't given me what I deserve. We probably all should be.

Today started out as a great day.

I have learned more about myself today. I have seen where I was and where I am. I have maintained who I am, and where I faltered asked God to forgive me, and I know he did. As undeserving as I am, I know he did. And today I am better, even if just a little bit, than I was yesterday.

Today started out as a great day.

It's a day I didn't deserve.

It's a day that he gave me anyway.

Today IS a great day.

Sunday-July 27, 2008. Servant or Instrument?

So...just in reverence to how good God has been to me and in my own reflections on my spiritual journey, on Sundays I will post about the message and the application to my life. I'm just so thankful that God has blessed me to be part of a church family with a pastor that speaks to the issues in my life, and sometimes to just show me how far I've come.

I was late going to church this morning. The men's choir was singing, and usually on fourth sunday, I try to just get there by 11:30 or so. When I walked into the vestibule I was intersected by one of the young ladies at my church, really I consider her to be like a little sister to me. She told me she needed to talk to me, so I followed her outside.

She was in tears and spoke about how we all suffer for the things that we do, and that she has asked God for forgiveness and prayed about it, but she felt like she was all alone. Friends turning out to not be such great friends after all, and she was just completely in an emotional black hole trying to figure out why it was all going on at one time.

Her description of what she was going through made me smile on the inside. Not because I was glad for what she was going through, but all week in my private time with God I've been asking him if all these feelings I think I should put out there...is it all in vain? Do I have a story to share, or do I need to just get over it? I can't communicate to you in words written or spoken how compelled I am at various times to reach out to people, or to share my experiences because I feel like I should. It's an urgent and often times overpowering compulsion to do so, and I've often wondered if I am reading my OWN thoughts the right way.

Thank you God for confirmation.

See, she explained life as I once saw it and unlike me, she had someone to go to. I am so thankful that she felt open enough to talk to me and allowed me to give her some insight. I was also proud of her for being able to see where the true fault lies. As I told her, as time goes on-I have discovered that very few people are able to put their own faults on the line. That it is difficult for them to admit that a lot of what they are going through is a result of decisions they made based on the consequences given to them. She had that clarity-but she was still kind of stuck. She was feeling so down that the people she thought she could depend on were now turning their backs on her. She couldn't understand why people didn't forgive her, if she had already been forgiven by God. And lastly, she was distraught at the accusations of others about her character when she was trying to change.

I felt like a page of my life had been read back to me to give me insight on how far I actually had come. It is not in my nature to preach to people about God, because every person's relationship with God is their own. In this instance, I felt comfortable referencing it because she had spoke about it numerous times. The answers she was looking for were so clear to me, but I also realize that clarity for me did not equal acceptance for her. Asking God for forgiveness is an act of great faith. She had taken the first step. However, what she didn't see-and what took me YEARS to see-is that if we still suffer for the things that we have asked God to forgive us for-we must not honestly believe that he will forgive us. It's not an issue with God. It's an issue in ourselves. And if you are not faithful enough to believe that he has forgiven you-you will continue to suffer because you didn't fully allow him to work it out for you. Clear to me NOW, but not a concept I expect to be taken easily. It's always hard to let go. But I have learned that God will take the people and things that you don't need out of your life. And if you don't listen, he will MAKE YOU. So, I had to tell her to not wonder why these people weren't there for her-but to see that she didn't need them. To figure out what it was about the friends that had betrayed her that attracted her to them. To see the common denominator in their lives and find the differences in friends that still stood by her side. She said she felt alone and she didn't have anybody. I told her she doesn't NEED anybody. I can look back and see how people were shifted in and out of my life and I wondered the same thing. Today I can see that once I really took my faithfulness to the next level, God was showing me that I don't NEED anybody but him. I was putting too much faith in man-and that is never a good solution. Then I told her that the ugly things that people can see in you, it's because that's what they are or have been themselves. A real friend will tell you what those traits are and try to help you from them...but a hater (only for lack of a better word) will focus on those things and use them to bring you down so that they can feel better about themselves. The longer we are distracted by the things that are of this world, is just that much time that we separate ourselves from God. I told her to pray to ask God to increase her faith. To be thankful for the living testimony that when we are going through things that God trusts us enough and believes in us to know that we can get through it. To know, that every "thing" might not be for us, but we are being used as an instrument to show people around us. And if we are faithful enough to truly lay our burdens down, God will make it clear why he did what he did, and how we will be stronger, better, and more faithful than we ever were or knew we could be. We had a good talk. She felt better, I told her to come sit with me in service.

We got in in time for the Hymn of Consecration, "Yesterday". I was over come by emotion. THANK YOU GOD FOR CONFIRMATION!!
The lyrics go like this:

I had enough heartache And enough headache
I've had so many ups and downs
Don't know how much more I can take
See I decided that I cried my last tears, yesterday
Either I'm going to trust you or I may as well walk away
'Cause stressing don't make it betterDon't make it better, no way
See I decided that I cried my last tears yesterday Yesterday,(yesterday) oh Yesterday (yesterday) I decided to put my trust in you (oh) Oh (oh) Oh (oh)Yesterday,(yesterday) Yesterday (yesterday)
I realized that you will bring me through
There ain't nothing too hard for my God, noAny problems that I have
He's greater, greater than them all, soI decided that I cried my last tears yesterday
Yesterday,(yesterday) oh Yesterday (yesterday)
I decided to put my trust in you (oh) Oh (oh) Oh (oh)
Yesterday,(yesterday) Yesterday (yesterday)
I realized that you will bring me through
There ain't nothing (There ain't nothing) too hard for my God, (oh no)
Any problems that I have (oh)
He's greater, greater than them all,
soI decided that I cried my last tears yesterday



Then, the pastor started preaching about the difference between being an instrument of God and being a servant. Funny, because I had just used the word "instrument in my earlier conversation.

He explained how we can all be used as instruments in order to bless somebody else. But being a servant of God would reflect in our every day lives. Being an instrument in the pulpit, choir, other ministries-doesn't make you a servant. It means that you know how to ACT like you are being a servant. Being a servant means LETTING GO of all the things that have hindered you in the past. Being FAITHFUL enough to trust in God. And knowing...that your reward as a servant, may not come on this side. But you would be eternally rewarded for your works on earth, in Heaven.

I felt like this message was exactly for the young lady. But oh, how it spoke to MY life. See, I understand the difference between being a servant and an instrument. And as he spoke, it became so clear to me that if you are only being an instrument for God, you are indeed being a servant to your own LIFE as it is in the world. I can remember asking God WHY I had to go through so much. I can remember being mad because I felt like my innocence and the choice to be who I wanted to be was taken from me at a young age. I can remember praying because it seemed right, but never believing my prayers would be answered. I was a servant-a victim to my own life.

Thank you God for the journey. Thank you for the people that have come in and out of my life and now serve as a testimony that you will never leave me, and never forsake me. Thank you for all of my living testimonies. Thank you for believing that I could take it, knowing that I would make it. Thank you for molding my life and giving me an awesome testament to your works and being, I hope, an example to those whose faith falters.

I used to ask God to help me to be happy. I used to ask God to help me get through each day. I used to ask God why I had to go through the things that I did. I used to ask God why I had to live like I was.

Then I asked God to increase my faith, and help me to be stronger in him. And he showed me that the choice to be unhappy was mine, because he has told us he will carry our burdens, if we believe. I then saw that when I was asking God to help me get through each day, there was glimmers of my faith where I might believe he could-but more importantly, as I was praying-he was working. I just didn't see it. I saw that the things I was going through was helping me climb every step of my life with the know how to do it and do it well. And I then saw that I was living exactly how I was supposed to be, the only thing lacking was my belief that God knew what he was doing.

God is too wise to ever make a mistake, and too holy to do anything wrong.

If not for God's grace, where would I be?

Not here. I am a living testimony. A miracle. A work that only one person can understand.

God.

I stand here thanking God for his grace and mercy, knowing that I can never repay him for how good he has been to me and ever grateful for the day to day blessings he has rained down on me. I am not perfect, but I'm doing the best that I can to be a true servant of God. To take this life and show others that he has been there with me all the way. The only thing that ever overshadowed him was my own doubt that he was there.

Anybody can play an instrument-that's not what I'm here for.