Change we DO believe in

I believe that we are one week away from the most historic election that will EVER be written about in the history books.

The other day I was talking to my son and mentioned "IF Barack wins..." to which he reminded me, words have power. "WHEN BARACK WINS"

From the mouths of babes...

So I just had to put it in my own writing. I'm going to see Michelle Obama speak tonight. I can only imagine how proud I am going to be to see my first lady with her head held up high. A new, shining, PERFECT example to every young woman about what we WILL be, not what we can be.

Change.

That word has touched my heart in ways that I can't understand, because those six letters stand for so much.

It is not change that we CAN believe in.

It is change that I DO believe in.

Energizing Exhaustion

On a normal day to day basis, I fit in the events of five days into one.

On a normal day to day basis, I sleep about 2 to 6 hours and function just fine from one extreme to another.

On a normal day to day basis, I'm as sharp as a tack mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Today? I'm trying to energize my exhaustion.

Every once in a while, about every 6 months I'd say-I have to take an opportunity to catch up to myself. During this time, I realize I am HUMAN. I realize that all the while I didn't think I was actually doing THAT much I was in reality doing TOO much, as always.

I'm the ear for many mouths. I'm the shoulder for many that need someone to lean on. I'm the motivation for those that can't seem to find it. I'm the resource for the unresourceful...and when I need some time, some space, some relaxation...I'm the only one who is providing that also!

It's hard to lack the ability to let go and unleash all that you "have" and just let it be. It's hard to find somebody who is not so wrapped up in their own things to make me feel like they genuinely care about my things. I don't complain hardly ever. I'm not tired hardly ever. But once in a while, it might be nice to feel like somebody wanted to be the ear for me too. It'd be nice for someone to say "How are you" and then actually listen and not interrupt me with personal interjections or put me on hold for their life since mine seems so unimportant to them.

Then...I come back to reality. That's my role. People don't know how to be there for me when I need them...cause I just don't hardly ever need that. So, I have to energize my exhaustion, look in the mirror, and realize THAT is who is listening to me. Me.

It would be unfair of me to have hard feelings about people surrounding me not being there for me in a bigger way, when I only allow it maybe once a year. I have to be real with myself and realize that everybody can't get on MY schedule.

So, in my exhaustion-I'll find a way to create some energy. I'll open up my ears, dust my shoulder off, and keep on moving the way I always do.

Maybe I'll start taking some time to myself, FOR myself.

We'll see.

In 6 months.

The crazy nation of ARBONNE!

Want to see why else I have been SOOOOOOOO busy?

Check it out:


http://ourbonnenation.blogspot.com

And Boy DID God move...

Funny that my last post was about just how God moves.


Listen...God moved all up and through my life...and things with the MR. and I are not back to normal...they are better than ever!

I did not forget about this blog...I have written everyday and I have alot of things that just need to be published!!!


Now, it was private for a few days...but that was due to some unwanted visitors I didn't want here.

CHeck back with me...

I got some stuff for you-I just need a chance to get it up!

When God Moves

In the midst of dealing with the cards that you think life has dealt you, God has a way of moving things in and out of perspective.

Today, I received another text from Mr. But it's not a text I would have EVER wanted to receive.

"Hey folks my dad is gonna have to have emergency open heart surgery due to a torn artery...Keep my fam in prayer"

Then:

"Okay at the moment my father had a heart catheterization. He had blockage in a few arteries and a tear in one which would have resulted in open heart surgery. They called the surgeon but he was in surgery with another patient...Thus they put two stints in the arteries and will continue to monitor him over the next 5 days. He is not out of the woods yet and open heart surgery is still very much an option...So keep us lifted!..."

When your heart falls, you can literally hear and feel the thud in your chest. I was overtaken with emotion, fear, and so I just moved into action like I do. I sent this prayer request to all the people that I know believe and can testify to the power of prayer. I took a moment and put everything else in my head to the side so that I could take a moment and just ask God to have his way and help us understand his will. To strengthen this man and to touch his body and help him to be well.

The butterflies have been dancing in my stomach ever since. It's not about me right now. It's about this family. I believe that God has been in their midst. Touching and healing the relationships. Giving understanding to past situations and giving motivation for current relationships. In the family-not outside, but in the family. Today, it occurred to me while I was in prayer that none of this has been about me. The whole thing has been about Mr., and that's why it was so hard for me to understand.

Did God move me out of the way so that he could work in this family? Has he kept my heart so close and full because I do have a place, just not a time right now? Has he built me up in his word, in my faith, in his will because I wasn't where I needed to be? I can only think that I have these questions because God put them on my heart.

I can not imagine the pain and turmoil that his mom is going through, any of them. But I do know that they know that God is at work. What an awesome accomplishment for a man to have led his family to God first and to know that in the midst of whatever falls before them, God will lead them around it. God will guide them. God will never let them down. I know that they know that.

I have prayed for restoration in their marriage for a long time. I have witnessed the love that they have for each other. You can't fake that. I have been praying for this for so long because I thought Mr. needed something to believe in. I thought he needed to see that they could work it through so he wouldn't have such hard feelings about it. I wanted something to believe in too. Everybody has problems, no relationship is perfect, and every relationship is work. And it has occurred to me that we should ALL know that based on the amount of work it has taken every one of us to get close to God, to stay close to God, to stay faithful, to remain obedient.

We have all failed at one time or another. But human nature makes us question ourself when we do it to others. I have sat here and prayed and prayed and prayed for his recovery. Thinking about what might happen to each one of them individually-then reminding myself to not even THINK that negativity or possibility into existence.

It doesn't feel like I'm praying for someone else's family. I feel like I'm praying for MY family. I may not know them all, but I love them all. Because of the man that MR. is, it made me respect each and every person IN his family. I always felt welcome, and although human nature lends us to doing, saying, or acting in ways that are not in line with what our beliefs are-I felt like I was part of that family. Mr. and I were so close in who WE were, I felt like they were part of me, too.

I'm praying for them. Any thoughts that cloud any one of their minds about what they could have done or said, I'm asking God to take that away. Take away any guilt, any nervousness, any anxiety, any sadness. Take it all away and replace it with the confidence and understanding that God will hand each one of them a victory when this is all said and done. I'm praying for strength, for understanding, for increased faith where it starts to falter.

God has moved and showed me that even where I thought I was weak, I'm still strong in HIM. It is God who strengthens me and gives me wisdom. Who continually shows me how blessed I am, continually shows me that he is working, continually lightens the darkness that I struggle with from day to day.

If you are reading this-I'm asking you to pray for Mr., his father, and his family.

God is moving, there is no doubt about that. Because when he moves, we ALL feel it.

God is moving now.

He is always moving, it is just our choice to move on our own...

or move WITH him.

Thanks and I'm OK

This is the response I got.

I sent him a short e-mail just because I wanted to reach out to him and let him know I am still here. This was the response.

To this I just responded "ok"

And he asked "How are you?"

My response:

:-). I'm glad you are okay

Mr.: How are you?
Me: Easy question...but not an easy answer. I just wanted you to know I'm here and I love you. That's all.
Mr.: I'm sorry
Me: Don't be. Everything I said is exactly what I wanted you to know. That is all. I didn't mean to interfere or bother you-I know your heart. I just want you to be happy. Really.

And after a couple minutes I added:
"And I didn't want you to think I am angry. That is all...now really :-)

Mr.: I see

And that is it.

One simple conversation. An unbelievable amount of feelings. An unbearable amount of confusion. An unspeakable amount of pain.

At least he didn't come back and just say "Yeah, don't contact me".

At least he cares how I am doing.
What was I supposed to say? I'm heartbroken. Confused. Sad. Upset. Hurt. And still in love with you? And even the few words I did say I play them over and over. Did I say too much? Did I not say enough? Did telling him that's all I had to say translate to him that I don't want to say anything else?

I do know his heart. I know that he never wishes to hurt other people, and I feel like that "I'm sorry"...that's it. He said he was sorry-so now he won't feel guilty about it.

Does he know what I'm going through? Does he know how bad my heart hurts? Does he know how scared I am that that is the last conversation we will ever have?

Or is he okay? Is he really okay?

I want him to be okay, but I really want him to be okay with ME.

This is so hard. I thought that talking to him would make things easier. I thought hearing from him would make me somehow feel better.

Instead, I have more questions now than I did before.

I'm more hurt now than I was before.

And for as long as I haven't cried...now I'm crying all over again.

For as long as my stomach hasn't been flipping nervously...now I'm back to hardly being able to even hold water down.

And for as long as I thought I was getting better...my heart is broken all over again.

I make it from day to day just knowing that the next day will be better because I've gotten stronger. Today, I don't feel any stronger than I was yesterday.

Today-I am back HERE again.

"Thanks and I'm OK"

I am not okay.

I am a lot of things...okay is not one of them.

"No Way. No How. No McCain!"

Following is the text of Hilary R. Clinton's speech given at the Democratic National convention. I am not a big Hilary fan at all, but I think it is of UTMOST importance that we all stay positive, prayerful, and optimistic about this time.

I am honored to be here tonight. A proud mother. A proud Democrat. A proud American. And a proud supporter of Barack Obama.

My friends, it is time to take back the country we love.

Whether you voted for me, or voted for Barack, the time is now to unite as a single party with a single purpose. We are on the same team, and none of us can sit on the sidelines.

This is a fight for the future. And it's a fight we must win.

I haven't spent the past 35 years in the trenches advocating for children, campaigning for universal health care, helping parents balance work and family, and fighting for women's rights at home and around the world ... to see another Republican in the White House squander the promise of our country and the hopes of our people.

And you haven't worked so hard over the last 18 months, or endured the last eight years, to suffer through more failed leadership.

No way. No how. No McCain.

Barack Obama is my candidate. And he must be our president.

Tonight we need to remember what a presidential election is really about. When the polls have closed, and the ads are finally off the air, it comes down to you — the American people, your lives, and your children's futures.

For me, it's been a privilege to meet you in your homes, your workplaces, and your communities. Your stories reminded me everyday that America's greatness is bound up in the lives of the American people — your hard work, your devotion to duty, your love for your children, and your determination to keep going, often in the face of enormous obstacles.

You taught me so much, you made me laugh, and ... you even made me cry. You allowed me to become part of your lives. And you became part of mine.

I will always remember the single mom who had adopted two kids with autism, didn't have health insurance and discovered she had cancer. But she greeted me with her bald head painted with my name on it and asked me to fight for health care.

I will always remember the young man in a Marine Corps T-shirt who waited months for medical care and said to me: "Take care of my buddies; a lot of them are still over there ... and then will you please help take care of me?"

I will always remember the boy who told me his mom worked for the minimum wage and that her employer had cut her hours. He said he just didn't know what his family was going to do.

I will always be grateful to everyone from all fifty states, Puerto Rico and the territories, who joined our campaign on behalf of all those people left out and left behind by the Bush Administration.

To my supporters, my champions — my sisterhood of the traveling pantsuits — from the bottom of my heart: Thank you.

You never gave in. You never gave up. And together we made history.

Along the way, America lost two great Democratic champions who would have been here with us tonight. One of our finest young leaders, Arkansas Democratic Party Chair, Bill Gwatney, who believed with all his heart that America and the South could be and should be Democratic from top to bottom.

And Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, a dear friend to many of us, a loving mother and courageous leader who never gave up her quest to make America fairer and smarter, stronger and better. Steadfast in her beliefs, a fighter of uncommon grace, she was an inspiration to me and to us all.

Our heart goes out to Stephanie's son, Mervyn, Jr., and Bill's wife, Rebecca, who traveled to Denver to join us at our convention.

Bill and Stephanie knew that after eight years of George Bush, people are hurting at home, and our standing has eroded around the world. We have a lot of work ahead.

Jobs lost, houses gone, falling wages, rising prices. The Supreme Court in a right-wing headlock and our government in partisan gridlock. The biggest deficit in our nation's history. Money borrowed from the Chinese to buy oil from the Saudis.

Putin and Georgia, Iraq and Iran.

I ran for president to renew the promise of America. To rebuild the middle class and sustain the American Dream, to provide the opportunity to work hard and have that work rewarded, to save for college, a home and retirement, to afford the gas and groceries and still have a little left over each month.

To promote a clean energy economy that will create millions of green collar jobs.

To create a health care system that is universal, high quality, and affordable so that parents no longer have to choose between care for themselves or their children or be stuck in dead end jobs simply to keep their insurance.

To create a world class education system and make college affordable again.

To fight for an America defined by deep and meaningful equality — from civil rights to labor rights, from women's rights to gay rights, from ending discrimination to promoting unionization to providing help for the most important job there is: caring for our families. To help every child live up to his or her God-given potential.

To make America once again a nation of immigrants and a nation of laws.

To bring fiscal sanity back to Washington and make our government an instrument of the public good, not of private plunder.

To restore America's standing in the world, to end the war in Iraq, bring our troops home and honor their service by caring for our veterans.

And to join with our allies to confront our shared challenges, from poverty and genocide to terrorism and global warming.

Most of all, I ran to stand up for all those who have been invisible to their government for eight long years.

Those are the reasons I ran for president. Those are the reasons I support Barack Obama. And those are the reasons you should too.

I want you to ask yourselves: Were you in this campaign just for me? Or were you in it for that young Marine and others like him? Were you in it for that mom struggling with cancer while raising her kids? Were you in it for that boy and his mom surviving on the minimum wage? Were you in it for all the people in this country who feel invisible?

We need leaders once again who can tap into that special blend of American confidence and optimism that has enabled generations before us to meet our toughest challenges. Leaders who can help us show ourselves and the world that with our ingenuity, creativity, and innovative spirit, there are no limits to what is possible in America.

This won't be easy. Progress never is. But it will be impossible if we don't fight to put a Democrat in the White House.

We need to elect Barack Obama because we need a President who understands that America can't compete in a global economy by padding the pockets of energy speculators, while ignoring the workers whose jobs have been shipped overseas. We need a president who understands that we can't solve the problems of global warming by giving windfall profits to the oil companies while ignoring opportunities to invest in new technologies that will build a green economy.

We need a President who understands that the genius of America has always depended on the strength and vitality of the middle class.

Barack Obama began his career fighting for workers displaced by the global economy. He built his campaign on a fundamental belief that change in this country must start from the ground up, not the top down. He knows government must be about "We the people" not "We the favored few."

And when Barack Obama is in the White House, he'll revitalize our economy, defend the working people of America, and meet the global challenges of our time. Democrats know how to do this. As I recall, President Clinton and the Democrats did it before. And President Obama and the Democrats will do it again.

He'll transform our energy agenda by creating millions of green jobs and building a new, clean energy future. He'll make sure that middle class families get the tax relief they deserve. And I can't wait to watch Barack Obama sign a health care plan into law that covers every single American.

Barack Obama will end the war in Iraq responsibly and bring our troops home _a first step to repairing our alliances around the world.

And he will have with him a terrific partner in Michelle Obama. Anyone who saw Michelle's speech last night knows she will be a great first lady for America.

Americans are also fortunate that Joe Biden will be at Barack Obama's side. He is a strong leader and a good man. He understands both the economic stresses here at home and the strategic challenges abroad. He is pragmatic, tough, and wise. And, of course, Joe will be supported by his wonderful wife, Jill.

They will be a great team for our country.

Now, John McCain is my colleague and my friend.

He has served our country with honor and courage.

But we don't need four more years ... of the last eight years.

More economic stagnation ... and less affordable health care.

More high gas prices ... and less alternative energy.

More jobs getting shipped overseas ... and fewer jobs created here.

More skyrocketing debt ... home foreclosures ... and mounting bills that are crushing our middle class families.

More war ... less diplomacy.

More of a government where the privileged come first ... and everyone else comes last.

John McCain says the economy is fundamentally sound. John McCain doesn't think that 47 million people without health insurance is a crisis. John McCain wants to privatize Social Security. And in 2008, he still thinks it's OK when women don't earn equal pay for equal work.

With an agenda like that, it makes sense that George Bush and John McCain will be together next week in the Twin Cities. Because these days they're awfully hard to tell apart.

America is still around after 232 years because we have risen to the challenge of every new time, changing to be faithful to our values of equal opportunity for all and the common good.

And I know what that can mean for every man, woman, and child in America. I'm a United States senator because in 1848 a group of courageous women and a few brave men gathered in Seneca Falls, New York, many traveling for days and nights, to participate in the first convention on women's rights in our history.

And so dawned a struggle for the right to vote that would last 72 years, handed down by mother to daughter to granddaughter — and a few sons and grandsons along the way.

These women and men looked into their daughters' eyes, imagined a fairer and freer world, and found the strength to fight. To rally and picket. To endure ridicule and harassment. To brave violence and jail.

And after so many decades — 88 years ago on this very day — the 19th amendment guaranteeing women the right to vote would be forever enshrined in our Constitution.

My mother was born before women could vote. But in this election my daughter got to vote for her mother for president.

This is the story of America. Of women and men who defy the odds and never give up.

How do we give this country back to them?

By following the example of a brave New Yorker, a woman who risked her life to shepherd slaves along the Underground Railroad.

And on that path to freedom, Harriet Tubman had one piece of advice.

If you hear the dogs, keep going.

If you see the torches in the woods, keep going.

If they're shouting after you, keep going.

Don't ever stop. Keep going.

If you want a taste of freedom, keep going.

Even in the darkest of moments, ordinary Americans have found the faith to keep going.

I've seen it in you. I've seen it in our teachers and firefighters, nurses and police officers, small business owners and union workers, the men and women of our military — you always keep going.

We are Americans. We're not big on quitting.

But remember, before we can keep going, we have to get going by electing Barack Obama president.

We don't have a moment to lose or a vote to spare.

Nothing less than the fate of our nation and the future of our children hang in the balance.

I want you to think about your children and grandchildren come election day. And think about the choices your parents and grandparents made that had such a big impact on your life and on the life of our nation.

We've got to ensure that the choice we make in this election honors the sacrifices of all who came before us, and will fill the lives of our children with possibility and hope.

That is our duty, to build that bright future, and to teach our children that in America there is no chasm too deep, no barrier too great — and no ceiling too high — for all who work hard, never back down, always keep going, have faith in God, in our country, and in each other.

Thank you so much. God bless America and Godspeed to you all.

Loving ME First

The urge to contact him does not get weaker by the day. I think my strength to overcome that just gets stronger.

This is hard to explain. I remember having a conversation with him where he told me that although I wasn't serious about past boyfriends like I am about him, that if anything ever did happen to never go back to being like I was. I was very touched by his sentiment. I told him that although he can look at these guys like they were scoundrels, I was nothing to nod at either.

I mean, historically-I dropped any man that sniffed at being "in love" with me. And I could never understand why they even felt that way when I never gave them any notion that my feelings were headed that way. And Mr. told me that I was a beautiful person. That people can see who I really am no matter how I try to hide it. That I deserved so much more.

I appreciated that. I told him no one had ever told me that, and I wasn't lying. And after he said that, I had a new outlook on it...because nobody should have to tell YOU how great YOU are. You should know it for yourself. Easier said than done? Of course. At the time, I was just so thankful that he really articulated this for me. It was very special to me.

At that time, I never expected to be here. Wondering why and how he could treat me like this. A two minute conversation and then nothing to follow it up with, just a multitude of questions that have not been answered and pain I could have never imagined existed.

To be honest, in some ways I may deserve this. This is EXACTLY what I did to him two years ago. But...things were not going well. It wasn't just a small argument and then I snapped and just told him "You just don't cut it homeboy!" If memory serves me correctly, I don't think I called after that...but prior to me telling him I didn't think things were working out, we were barely talking anyway.

It KILLS me everyday to not hear from him. But I think he absolutely expected me to contact him and beg him for another chance. As I look back over things, I was always quick to make it very easy to place the blame on me because I don't have any problem admitting when I'm wrong. I don't have any problem taking responsibility when I'm wrong...but in this situation...I don't see what I did wrong. I may have brought our communication problems to the forefront, but it was just in a gesture to work through things the way they WERE, not as they were to be perceived. All I did was have a standard for how I will and will not be treated. And in that standard, I also understood that I would be held to whatever his standard was as well.

A friend asked me today what was keeping me from contacting him. I don't have a good way to explain it. It's a multitude of things. First, if he needs some time...I don't see how contacting him is going to help in any way. I know that when I am angry, I need time to sort my own feelings out. I have enough respect for him that I can just let it be. He did not tell me not to contact him, but if you would have heard the tone of his voice-be assured, you would not call either.

There's a part of me that beats myself up CONSTANTLY because I didn't get on that plane the next day. Make him face me. Make him talk to me. Make it work. But he said himself-he wanted to let me know before I came out there because he didn't want to patch it up and make everything SEEM like it was working. I honestly felt like if I went out there I was setting myself up for so much failure. I have already fought for this relationship...I felt like that was a losing battle. I hope in his mind he didn't take that as a sign of defeat, or as a gesture that I did not care. I wanted to respect his space. And really, I was scared of rejection. At that point, I couldn't take any more pain.

And really, what it comes down to-is that I love that man with every breath I have in me, with every ounce of my soul...but I LOVE ME FIRST. I sent a small note to him and I feel like I opened the door of communication to let him know that I am here. Maybe it was not enough, I thought it was.

I re-read over and over again the e-mail that I was going to send to him and it occurs to me that that e-mail is about ME. It's an explanation of my feelings, and once again a very easy way for him to blame ME. And really, his actions may not be about me or anything I did. What kills me is not knowing. What hurts me is that he might be going through something, and I want to be there for him. I AM still here for him.

And because I know him, I often think that he keeps himself angry with thoughts that I may call someone else, or "fill" his spot. That is so NOT ME anymore. And while I want to reach out to him so that he knows that that is not true...the indignant part of me says that I SHOWED him that I AM different now. Why would I go backward? Why would I go back to contacting these people that mean nothing to me? Why would I go back to letting someone waste my time? Why would I allow anybody else to ever use me again? I won't. That's a change I have made. If he didn't see that change, I'm sorry. IF he doesn't realize that the way that I love him helped me change, I'm sorry. If he doesn't know that I meant that I will always be here for him because he IS the love of my life, I'm sorry. But I tried with all of my might, I gave all of my heart, I gave as much of my soul as a person can give. So really, I don't think I have anything to be sorry for.

I'm not perfect, but I never claimed to be. I KNOW that I may be hard to put up with, I know I can be a little feisty at times, but I also know I gave him 200% of me. I love him. My heart breaks a little more each day. My soul cries out for him every moment, but if I don't have anything else-I do have my self-respect.

All the things he said about me, yes it was nice. He told me to never let anybody else use me like that, to never let anybody hurt me again. Was he including himself in that direction?

I love him, that has not changed. I'm here for HIM and only him, that has not changed. But there is a part of me that says if I reach out and lay my heart out and make up all the excuses...then I am saying it is ok to hurt me like this, and it's not.

Everyday I hope that he can feel how much I love him.
Everyday I pray that we can work this out.
Everyday I pray for him, I pray for me, I pray for us.

And everyday, as I fight the urge to beg him to give me another chance and open up e-mails that I never send, I realize how much I really do love me.
I realize how much I've been through.
I realize how much credit I really deserve.
I realize that I have loved someone more than I ever thought possible.

And in that realization, I realize that I could have never loved him that much if I didn't love me first.

If I didn't love me, I would have nothing to offer.

And the fact of the matter is that if he came back to me right this second I would accept him with open arms and we could forget this happened. But I didn't leave him, so it makes no sense for me to go back to something I never left. I'm here.

I need to stop wondering what I did wrong.
I need to stop replaying what I could have done in my head.
I need to just stop.

Love isn't enough.
But love IS enough.

You just have to know who to love.

You have to know that that WHO is YOU.

I love me, first.

Michelle Obama, You are amazing!

The events of my personal life will have to take a back seat to the HISTORY that is happening right in this state.

If you didn't see Michelle Obama's speech, you did yourself a disservice.
Here is a link:
Michelle Obama's Speech

Black people, minority people, ALL people that have been waiting for a CHANGE should be on this man's team regardless of whether you agree 100% with his views or NOT!

Try to grasp what this CHANGE really entails.

CHANGE we can believe in.

Absolutely!

Educate yourself. No time like the present!!

Barack Obama's Website
Website of the Democratic National Convention

Mean what you say!

While walking around the lake yesterday, I had an "experience" I guess I will call it.

Let me first explain the scenario. The lake is in a central area of town. The scenery is beautiful, as are most places in this area. However, it would be considered to be in a part of town where "questionable" activities often take place. I think I go to the lake because it gives me some rest from the chaos in my own head. Sometimes I laugh at what I see, sometimes I'm touched by what I see, but I'm almost always amused.

Everyday, there is a group of men who have gathered at the lake with their coolers at hand and bicycles parked nearby. They sit on a picnic table located between two trees and they play dominoes. Now I often am at the lake at various times of the day, and without fail-they are there. I've often been envious of the simplicity that their day to day lives must entail. Just an outside observation.

Everyday, there are dozens of kids on the playground. Seems that now that school has started it's usually a daycare group or something of the sort. Mixed in will be parents with their children. Either watching them play, or sitting and reading while they play. The site of this is sweet to me...then it makes my stomach turn...but I always just walk past it with a smile on my face. Someday.

Everyday there are couples either walking around the lake or sitting by the lake. It often makes me sad...but then I just pray that they have the kind of love I had. And I pray they appreciate it. Nothing like not knowing the worth of something until it's gone.

And everyday, there is me. Walking that mile and a half and pondering whatever it is that is in and around my mind that day. It allows me to exert my restlessness, nervousness, anxiety, sadness and whatever else I may be feeling.

Often while walking around the lake you will either walk past somebody or cross paths with somebody going the other way. To be honest, I'm usually so lost in my thoughts they don't get any recognition from me at all. However, when it's one of "us", I usually nod my head or say "how you doing?" in rhetoric because that's what we do.

Yesterday I was walking along deep in thought. A man approached me, and as I said "How you doing" he at the same time said "Good day to you, my sister". And because he said it so loud and my words were soft, he didn't hear me. I kept walking. He must have stopped and turned around. He said "I SAID Good day to you! You can't speak?!!" I kept on walking. I don't have time for buffoonery. And a couple moments passed by and he screamed "F**K YOU!". I laughed out loud.

I actually needed that laugh, and actually I needed that dissection of my thoughts so that I had something new to think about. The lake is a circle, so I wondered if I would cross his path again. But I didn't. I thought about him while walking. YOu know, how silly would he feel if he had known I did acknowledge him? And regardless of if I did or not, was it necessary to curse at me because I didn't repay his greeting?

It reminded me of a certain e-mail I should have never read. It reminded me of exactly what I said about the person that read that. You know, we never know WHOSE path we are crossing. When we offer a greeting to someone in passing, they just may really need that greeting. Maybe that person is looking for someone to really reach out to them and a simple "hello" will give them that uplift that they need. So to me, it is very important to mean what you say. And say it not because you expect something back, but because you really mean it. If you really mean to wish somebody a good day-say it, mean it, and then keep it moving!!

What if I had been really down and out and that last EFF YOU put me over the edge. How would that person feel if they knew that two words had caused somebody to take drastic action?

In this "events" of my life as of late-this has been a topic that resurfaces in my head. Not necessarily just saying things, but also doing them. In my opinion it is important to do and say the things that you mean because you want to, not because you expect something in return. Because really-if you don't get the things you expect back-you will be mad at the other person, but for what really? Because they couldn't read your mind and know what you expected back? I mean, if you really say and do things because you WANT to, I just think you have to believe you will receive that blessing back somewhere-but if you do things from YOUR heart because YOU want to-you shouldn't expect anything. You should feel good about doing what YOU want to do.

I wasn't largely affected by the man's words. I try not to let words hurt me. It gave me a good laugh actually. If my failure to return his greeting ruined his day...oh well. He shouldn't have depended on me or anybody else to give him what he needs.

Mean what you say.

Mean what you do.

And know that at the end of the day, if you don't-that other person may or may not care.

If you MEAN it, it shouldn't matter.

Trying to believe

I got this in an e-mail...I am trying to believe, too.



A Birth Certificate shows that we were born

A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.


I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they do love each other.
I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
we understand that friends change.
I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt
you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over
the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.
I Believe...
That it' s taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.
I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I Believe...
that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
we do, no matter how we feel.
I Believe...
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I Believe...
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I Believe...
That my best friend and I, can do anything, or nothing and have the best time.
I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you
when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them and less to do
with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I Believe...
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.
I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same
thing and see something totally different.
I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don't even know you.
I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when
a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I Believe...
That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in , I just did.
'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything.' Be sure to make the most of your life!!
~Bobbi Messelt

The day to day "EASE"

One of the things that I have come to expect every day, but am never prepared for is the question "Doesn't it get easier every day?" or some form of that query with different words.

And inevitably, I answer yes.

Without fail, my insides scream NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It does not get easier everyday. If anything, it's harder.

It's one more day that I still have no answers, that I still have no idea how I got here, that I still want my life back as it was two weeks and five days ago!

Today, I thought maybe I will send him a note:

"Hey-
I have written you a thousand times to tell you how I feel, but I realize this is not about me. I just want you to know that I miss you, I love you, and everything I promised you...I meant. I hope that we can talk soon"

I just replay these words or variations of these words in my head.
And then the rage.

Then immediately I am pissed off for sounding so desperate. Frustrated for really wanting to reach out to him when it is apparent that he has no need to do the same. My heart really wants to believe that he is hurting too, but my head tells me that he can't be hurting TOO badly if he was able to just move on.

My heart tells me that he did love me the way I thought he did, and he still does. My head tells me that if he loved me like that, I wouldn't be hurting like this.

EVERYTHING reminds me of him. He is everywhere. Every song, every street, every feeling, everyTHING. Little things around my house. Do I box them up and throw them away? No, I leave them where they are. Because inside of me, I keep hoping he will appear. I keep hoping he will come back. And I tell myself that if he does, I will show him that I never gave up.

The only thing that is easier is the ability to control myself. Now I can swallow the tears so they never fall down my cheeks. I can mask the pain so it's not so easy to read on my face. I can pretend like he is not in my thoughts every waking second of every day.

My life has become robotic. The same things every day to just get through the day.

Waking up in the morning and thanking God for the day. Searching for all the people that I know to be thankful for and all the people to pray for that I know need it. And then, in desperation asking him to please bring him back to me. Then apologizing for asking so vainly. Then asking God to just help me, and strengthen me for whatever it is he is preparing me for-and then thanking him for trusting me to go through it.

Then I promise myself I won't be upset when I look at my phone and KNOW that nothing will be there. Except every morning, those are the first tears I swallow because I wish he was there. I ponder reaching out to him for moments, and then I robotically go on about my day.

I pray in the shower for strength. I pray for understanding. I pray for direction. And every day, I find myself praying for him. Praying that he follow his dream. Praying that God help his vision come to life. Praying that he is happy. Praying that he knows and feels that I love him. I don't swallow those tears. I let them fall with the water.

And when I wake up my son. I put on a smile. And everyday, he opens his eyes, smiles at me, and lifts up his arm. Every morning I duck my head underneath his arms, and as he squeezes my neck and says "Good morning Mama", I swallow tears again. Not because he hurt me...but because he accepts me for who I am, and because he deserves more than this miserable existence I have come to be.

And every morning he says "What's wrong Mama?" and I smile at him and tell him I'm just tired. And he asks me if I slept well, and I say "kind of", and he just hugs me. Today he said "I'll help you with the housework so you can go to bed early". I smile and tell him that's not his job. And I walk out of the room instantly angry with myself. He deserves so much more.

Everyday I remember that this was my life before. Before we ever got together, this is what I did everyday and I was happy. I also remember that I used people to "fill in" the spots where I got lonely and I thought that was okay. I'll never go back to that again.

I don't need anybody like that. I don't need meaningless "friendships" to carry me from here to there. I'm done with that. I have so much more respect for myself that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than allow someone to ever USE ME like that again and walk away thinking I had the upper hand. No time for that.

I want him. That's all I want. I miss him so much I can't stand it. I miss his friendship. I miss his love. I miss everything. I miss telling him about my day. I miss hearing about his. I miss simple text messages. I miss simple phone conversations about nothing. I miss sharing every funny thing I see with him. I miss listening to his voice. I miss loving him.

Everytime I pass a playground, a mother with a baby, a family-I miss even sharing the future with him. Finally, I had become okay with sharing my dreams too. I had stopped being scared to dream and believe and I had grasped on to what our future would be. I had finally been able to picture my life with someone for the rest of MY life. More than anything I wanted to give him his first child to hold. I wanted to share a house with him. I wanted to just sleep next to him every night so that we could wake up together in the morning and start another, wonderful, perfect day in our life.

It does not get easier from day to day. Everyday I fight harder to hold onto my dreams. Everyday I pray harder to find peace in my mind and my soul. And everyday-I just feel like he is further and further away from my reach. Yet everyday, I still hope that it will be the day that this is over and he comes back to me.

Everyday I learn so much about myself. Everyday I learn that I"m stronger than I was the day before, only because this hurt gets worse by the second. Everyday is one more day that I have to learn how to be without him again, and everyday is another day that I don't want to have to do that.

It does not get easier by the day. It has not gotten easier by the week. I don't expect it will get easier by the month.

It just gets easier for me to hide my feelings because I don't know who they matter to.

Everyday is another day that on the inside I am dying.
Everyday is another day that I push my tears back and just let the heaviness remain inside me.
Everyday is not a better day-it's just a day that I have become better at being what I am.

But-everyday, I still hope that tomorrow is a better day.
All I have is hope-that's all that keeps me going.
Everyday.

Is it you?

Is it you?

9 o’clock in the evening

I hope to be tired

My mind never rests

My heart pounds harder by the second

The needs of my body are unheard

I put all my hope in two little pills that

May or may not bring rest.

Physical rest.

Do you miss me tonight?

Do you remember the daily talks, laughs, conversations.

Why can’t I get you out of my head.

Is it you?

10 o’clock in the evening

The quiet time I dread

The time when my mind takes over

Memories flood the cavity of all other thoughts

They take over everything about anything

I feel no effects from the pills

I feel that my body needs stillness

Are you laying in bed?

Are you missing me like this?

Is it you?

11 o’clock in the evening

Nothing.

Not even the slightest hint of drowsiness

Tears come and go

Frustration looms

Sadness hovers

Sleep nowhere to be found

Are you angry with me?

Are you mad because I haven’t called?

Was I a waste of your time?

Is it you?

Midnight

The TV is on

The sound is turned down

The picture is clear

I see nothing.

I close my eyes hoping for rest

I toss and turn hoping to fall off into sleep

You will not leave my thoughts

You will not leave my mind

Is it you?

1 o’clock in the morning

My heart is beating so fast

I can’t hear anything but the pounding

Inside my head

The house is creaking

For one moment I wonder

If someone came in

Or did you just enter my dreams?

Did you bust into the realm of my unpeaceful rest?

Is it you?

2 o’clock in the morning

I fight to get back to sleep

Even if just for a fleeting moment

It’s sleep

Empty space with no thoughts

Quiet time in my head

But I long for your touch

I long to hold you

To touch you

To graze my lips against yours

I long to hear you say “I love you”

Is it you?

3 o’clock in the morning

I tell the thoughts of my mind to go away

I chase the hurt feelings out of my heart

I open the door for anger

I welcome in the frustration

I allow rage to push away the loneliness

And even in anger-

I miss you.

I pray for you.

I want to know if you are happy.

I want to know if you think of me at all.

I want to know if I can’t get you out of my mind

Because you can’t get me out of yours.

Is it you?

4 o’clock in the morning

I give up the illusion of rest

I give up on taking things day by day

I let go of hoping each day is better

It’s all one endless period of time

Time without you

Time without the love I crave

Time that I am left to my own thoughts

Left to my own conclusions

Left to my own assumptions

Are you sleeping well?

Are you going to wake and tell someone else

Good morning and have a good day?

Are you going to wake up and wait for me to call?

Is it you?

5 o’clock in the morning

It is time to start another day

Another day that I trudge through each moment

Trying to pretend like I don’t spend every second

Missing you.

Trying to find something else to occupy my time

Instead of waiting for you to text me.

Hoping every call is you

Waiting for this nightmare to be over

Waiting for my life to be right again.

Have these thoughts awoken you as well?

Is it you?

And as 6, 7, 8, 9 and every hour comes and goes

It will be one hour closer to the time

That I can try again and

Hope for rest

Hope for peace

Hope for sleep

I will pray all day

I will think of you all day

I will cry on the inside all day

I will wonder what you are doing all day

I will hope that there is no one to replace the space

That I hope I have in your heart.

I will tell myself that it is getting easier

When I know and feel in my heart and all of my soul

That this day is no better than the last

I will smile on the outside

When on the inside I can’t find anything to smile about

I will do what I’m supposed to do

While I am secretly dying on the inside

I will push harder for the things I want

And pretend like I am newly motivated

When really it’s all I can do to keep from falling apart

I will wonder all day if you think of me

I will wonder all day if you know I think of you

I will hope that you still love me

I will hope that you know that I will always love you

I will still dream of our future

I will hope that you still think we have a future too

I will fight myself with the thought that this is over

I will talk myself into believing that you will come back to me

I will criticize myself because I feel so dumb

I will yell at myself because I have become so dull without you

Is it you?

Is it me hoping it is you?

Are we still connected so much that I know when you hurt..

I know when you are angry…

I know when you are frustrated…

But not connected enough for me to know that

There was no connection for you?

Is it you?

Is your pain like my pain?

Is your frustration like my frustration?

Is your love like my love?

Do I just hope it is like mine so that I can hold on to a glimpse

Of what I think still can be?

Is it you?

Are you here?

Will you come back?

Have you let go?

Is it you?

What do you want?

What do you need?

What can I do?

Is it you?

Or is my mind running in hopelessness

Is my heart hurting because the truth is that you are not part of me

Is my body running purely on undefined emotion

That stops me from eating, sleeping, or even being

in any way affected by the things that should slow me?

Will the questions ever stop?

Will the pain ever go away?

Will my heart beat again in the way that it did

So freely before?

Is it you?

Please.

Is it you?

8/21/08

5:38 a.m.

Sleeping pill

I have to

REST.

I can not
should not
will not

try to quiet this commotion in my mind.

There is NO silence
NO escape
NO end

to the confusion that repeats and replays with no sympathy
for

the body

that

is NOT able
can NOT function
will NOT go anymore

BECAUSE

the nerves,
the hurt,
the pain,
the feelings-

DON'T REST.

SLEEPING PILL
please come and mute the cantankerous
rambuctious
misery that
will NOT be weakened
by the pity my heart cries out.

SLEEPING PILL
muffle the pangs of angst
the sharpness of neglect
the piercing stab of abandonment

SLEEPING PILL
turn down the volume on
cries of anger
hurt
and dry these endless tears.

PLEASE
be my temporary answer to this
PERMANENT PAIN
so that this body can

rest. Wake up. Fight itself through the endless,
painstaking,
excruciating day.

And then I will call on you
AGAIN
To ease the pain you did not cause
but only you can take the

MISERY
and hold it.

Until I do it all again.

SLEEPING PILL
GIVE ME unreasonable
restless
REST.

8.7.2008

August Seventh. Two thousand and eight
Five Thirty-Seven p.m.
How many things happened at that moment?
Lives began, lives came to an end.

One moment not appreciated
thousands of moments yet to lose
Time take for granted
Everything changes-old becomes new.

Time used to be fleeting
Happiness and love overflowing my heart
now every moment is an eternity
Now this time tears me apart

Each free moment used to be fantasy
Imagining the perfection of our lives intertwined
Now free moments incarcerate my soul
Now freedom is the greatest enemy of my mind.

I used to expect what each moment would bring
I used to be able to predict the course of my day
I used to bask in the comfort of your love
I want that back-I don't want this pain.

Each day my mind recorded every little thing
so that I could recount it all back for you
Even though we were physically apart
You were right here with me-I HAD you.

When I woke early in the morning
and thanked God for another beautiful day
I also thanked him for the love of my life
Thanked him for answering all of my prayers

There are not many constants day to day
But I found comfort in being with you
Every challenge. Anything. I could face it
I had your arms to fall into

I was so sure that this was right
It was too perfect to be close to wrong
I finally found the completion to this hole in me
I finally felt like I had somewhere to belong

It wasn't always easy to get through things
But I knew our love would be put through some tests
I knew we each had things that would come and go
I just knew our relationship would be blessed

Now-each day is just a day
Time that I wish would just pass
Time I wish I could rewind
I need time to slow down. This all happened so fast.

I miss the freedom in my happiness
I miss the excitement of being in love
Mostly-I just miss all of you
I still don't know what I could have done

My mind has not stopped searching
I just don't know how to feel
I can not rest. I can not comprehend.
This hurt can not be real.

That day-That very moment
Who can say all that happened right then
8.7.2008...5:37 p.m.
Life as I LOVED IT came to an end.

Self-Reflection...Preservation

I'm still shaking.

But for once-the thoughts in my mind are clear.

I walked around the lake again today. It has become habit. Now more than ever, I have an urge to push my body to it's limits. To get back in shape the way I know I should be. To be healthy as ever, because that should be what we want for ourself anyway. At first I thought it was just something I was doing to distract myself. Often times I have wanted to just tire myself out so that I could sleep for any length without waking myself up with my thoughts.

Today, our Pastor asked the congregation to fast from 6 am until 6 pm in preparation for our 14th Church Anniversary. He focused on three major points to study, fast, and pray over. The first one...self reflection. From Galatians 2: 20-21

20 I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. 21 I do not set aside the grace of God; for if righteousness comes through the law, then Christ died in vain.”

I don't know where to start...I don't know where this will end. But talk about some self reflection.

Obviously, the demise of my relationship has entrapped my mind for the last almost two weeks. Searching for what went wrong. Remembering things that should have thrown a flag. Mostly being depressed, then mad, then angry, then sad about the whole thing.

Today, there was a couple holding hands walking in front of me. They both had their own iPods, but they walked hand in hand...exchanging looks from time to time, but they walked in silence. Each walking to their own beat-but still walking together. I thought, well-thank you God for showing me what that love was like. Then I wondered how many people have had to get over love like that-how it affects you in the future...but that is a post for another time :-)

I thought to myself that I miss his affection. His love. I thought WE had a connection like that. Then I remembered how connected I felt to him when he made love, how special it was because we were in love...
and something stopped me right in my tracks.

Self reflection.

"I have been crucified with CHRIST...who loved me and gave himself for ME"

Then I remembered that when "we" were still a "we"...we made a vow to abstain from sex. We made up rules about what we could do and couldn't do...but we both agreed that we wanted our relationship to be blessed. I remember saying, from my OWN mouth, that I could respect that he wanted to do this-but I was not completely into it. I can remember NOT FEELING BAD about having sex with him even though we said we wouldn't. I remember EVER SO VIVIDLY now that I made a promise to GOD and I broke it without any remorse, without second thought...and without EVER repenting. I wanted a timeline for how long we had to abstain. I wanted to do it for a certain period before we got married. Shouldn't we all so thankful that Jesus never asked how long he would have to wait before going to Heaven? Shouldn't we all be so thankful that he didn't lay out any rules or limits before he got up on that cross?

Self reflection.

Indeed, I can not control what somebody else does with THEIR salvation, but I will be held responsible for my own.

My body is a temple. Given to ME to preserve. And I have done nothing to preserve it the way I should have. I have done nothing to thank God for preserving it FOR ME when all that a doctor could say is "You could die from this". I have preserved my body for the pleasure of others. Not God.

As I walked, I realized...we had a glimpse of what that connection can be. We didn't have sex, we truly made love. It fixed things for us. It became THAT that made us feel connected. That is NOT a blessing. That was NOT given to us by God...that is the enemy at work. My God, My God-how I see it so clearly now. Physicality took over spirituality. Lust took over love. Flesh took over spirit.

If we would have waited like we said we would...it wouldn't have been any less special. It would have been MORE special. It was a connection that neither of us ever felt. It is a connection that is for MARRIAGE. I did get to a point where I believed that it would benefit us, but when he was weak-I didn't try to stop him. I gave in. I gave up. And everytime I gave my body to him or to any other man, I slapped my God right in the face.

So I have to ask myself, if a man thinks that my body is good enough for him to take physical control of, but not care about my salvation-why have I given it so many times? If a man wants to act like a husband but can not BE a husband, why should I wait for him to make up his mind? Why should I give up my body in the meantime? I'd rather die alone than rot in hell knowing I quenched the lust of any man that doesn't have enough self-control to think about God, his salvation, and my life.

Why have I demanded that I be respected, when I didn't even have enough self respect or respect for GOD to stand up for what IS right? To even CARE about what is right. And if I don't care about what GOD thinks of me-why should any man care about it either?

It indeed was a beautiful thing, but I am so ashamed of my weakness. I am so ashamed of my willingness to let one moment of satisfaction get in the way of an eternity in heaven.

So, indeed, I should push my body. I'm training for the race of a lifetime, and the finish line offers me an eternity in heaven.

I know this is not the only thing-but it is a big thing for me.

I have so many thoughts on this, but they are not clear right now.

Self reflection. I see the reflection. I don't want to look at that anymore.

Now that I've seen the reflection, it's time for preservation.

My body is a temple. My body is God's temple. He gave himself for ME. So why have I given myself so freely to everybody BUT God.

I can't tell anybody else what to do. I can't and won't judge anybody else's relationship with God or try to tell you how to get to Heaven.

For me, I will not let anybody disrespect me or my body again. I won't let lust get in the way of what I know is right. I won't let my past behavior be an indication of what I will do in the future.

Reflection indicates looking into the past. I have to move forward from that.

I don't want my self reflection to show how selfish and ungodly I have been.

I want my reflection to show how good God has been to me. I want my reflection to show that I am a child of God and have acted accordingly. I want my reflection to show that I preserved myself and prepared myself for what God has in store for me.

My self reflection shouldn't just be a reflection of me. It should also be a reflection of what he has done for me.

I asked God to forgive me, and my faith tells me he already has.

I asked God to help me, my faith tells me he already is.

And as confused about life as I am right now, there is no confusion in knowing that he is directing me and showing me where I should go.

And in my reflection, I can see that I have stood in the way of what he has tried to do in my life for far too long.

I'm moving out of the way.

Self-reflection. This is the last time I reflect upon my life and stand alone.

"...it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me"

And the next time I reflect...THAT is what I want to see.

You...Me

You…Me


There is a place to show you
The depth of my love
Not in this world below
But in the clouds above

Not in the intensity of blowing winds
Not in the midst of downpour
Not when the snowflakes fall steadily
But up above the storm

If I could take you with me
Up into the sky
I could show you my love
How I see you through my eyes

The perfection that breeds in nothing
The peace that exists in complicated simplicity
The joy that screams out in serenity
This, my love, is you and me.

The clouds roll on into forever
The sunset touches eternity
The beauty is a million lines
That walk hand and hand infinitely

There are millions of billows of softness
There are countless valleys and hills
There are places where it looks to be noisy
There are places where it seems so still

In one glance it all looks so simple
But there is so much to see
It goes on and on forever
This-is you and me

I want to hold you among the softness
I want to touch you tenderly
I want to feed you this taste of beauty
This is our love-heavenly.



In this vast sea of nothing
I see so many things
I see forever so clearly
I see the story of you and me

A picture displayed in perfection
A song sung in perfect harmony
A story with the happiest ending
The love inside you and me

As I look into the clouds
There is so much to see
Maybe nothing to someone
To me? Everything

I can show you this concretely
This work of art, natural and true
So wonderful I want to see it forever
It is my love for you

As the lights come through the clouds
And end my fantasy
I remember the world around me
Back to jaded reality

I escaped into my heart
For those precious moments in the sky
A picture that painted my love for you
Can you see it? Can you try?

The clouds tell an enduring story
Of love that never ends, never dies
It is the amazing beauty that I see
Every time I look into your eyes

As amazing as the endless clouds
Look into my heart and see
That you define perfection
As divine as the sunset and clouds as they meet

The view that I see is breathtaking
When I look at you it is the same
You are the place where my heart runs freely
It is with you that I am safe


My words could go on forever
Like the beautiful clouds I see
A simple view, yet so much within
This-is you and me

As the clouds roll on forever
Creating a perfect piece of art
I’ve seen the beauty I couldn’t explain
I’ve seen the love inside my heart

As the sound of your voice fills my ears
And beauty is before me as far as I can see
I have found peace that lies within you
This is you. This is me

Come with me into the clouds
Let us travel above the storm
Feed on this delicate ecstasy
It is you-I am at home.

When you want to see my love
Escape into the clouds and see
We are intertwined in heavenly perfection
I am you. You are me.



Written January 17, 2008.
When I believed in us more than anything.
I still do.

The best day of my summer?

I have looked forward to this day for two months.

I have anticipated the moment I would hold my son again, see his smile, and just feel him in my arms. I have imagined that this day would be emotional for him, but I was sure I would be prepared for this day. I knew that his emotions would range from way high to way low, and I thought that no matter how emotional for him, this would be the best day of my summer. The day I got my child back. The day I got to look in his eyes, tell him it's okay. Tell him how proud I am, and most of all-show him how much I love him.

Today was supposed to be the best day of my summer.

Today, I woke up in tears again. I haven't woke up crying at least for a few days. Today the emotion is heavier even than a week and a day ago when I felt like my life as I knew it totally left me.

For a week and one day, I have had the opportunity to just feel however I am feelings. I was able to isolate myself and just be alone with my thoughts. However helpful, or dangerous that might be.

Today I have to stop hiding. I promised my son a welcome home party-and that is what he will get. But my stomach turns at the thought. I don't want to answer any questions. I don't want misplaced sympathy-I want these people to welcome my son home and leave me the hell alone.

Today, I have to put on the good face and mean it. And I'm not ready. My heart is heavier than ever. For all those people, they are outsiders. My son can look right through me. I can say whatever I want to him, but just as I can see through him-my eyes will never lie to him.

I anticipate the question. Where is MR.? I thought MR. would be here? I have an answer, but I don't know if he'll take it or not. I pray to God he does. Because really-all I can think of is that I was prepared to try to help him deal with what he just went through, but I don't know if I can help him through this. I can't help myself through this.

Once again, I brought him into something that will hurt him. And as I pray with all my might and hope with all my soul that it is not the end of things, I have to move on. And I can't right now. It's not even that I don't want to. I CAN'T.

Today was supposed to be the best day of my summer. Today, one of the most important people in my life is coming back to me. And when I embrace him, I will try not to cry. I will try to be strong. But just his embrace, just his touch, his smile...it's going to break my heart all over again. It will bring the reality that I have to break his heart AGAIN, and I can't tell him why. And as I hold his hand and we walk away, I will try to be strong. I will try to pick myself up and hold it together. I haven't tried to be strong for everyone else and pretend like I am okay, but I owe him this. And as time passes, and I have to deal with this reality-I will let him blame me. It is my fault. I brought him here. I gave him hope for a life he has longed for. And I'm the one that ruined it.

I don't know how to deal with this situation. I'm hoping it all falls back into place. I'm praying that I'm strong enough to take it all. I'm praying that for all the hurt I have brought into his innocent life, that somewhere-sometime...he can forgive me.

Today is supposed to be the best day of my summer.

Today, I feel worse than I can ever remember feeling in my whole life.

Repossession of the Heart

One day there was a conversation
you said "Miss, can you help me please?
Somebody has stolen my heart away"
I said "Sir-who could it be?"

You composed the perfect response
You gave a sweet description of me
I asked you if you wanted your heart back
You replied, "No it's safe, hers to keep"

In jest I replied to you,
"If I could I'd give you mine,
but my heart is absent from me too-
I have given it away for life"

"You see, the strangest thing happened to me
I met an angel right here on earth
I gave him my heart, to have and to hold
He'll keep it safe, he knows it's worth"

These silly little quips between us
That now I miss more than you could know
somehow this one sticks in my mind
This one, I can't let go

Even when we were joking
My words always came from deep inside
There was never anything to play about
I was serious about giving you my life

These words and others repeat themself
In silence, these are the things I still hear
All the things we ever shared
All the things that I hold so dear

Where does all the love go?
How does it end so fast
How do I take what I thought my life was
And throw it into the past

How did you just end it all?
Where did you lose sight of me?
When did you stop believing in us?
Why was it so easy for you to leave?

My head won't believe it was nothing
All the plans and dreams we shared
How could you throw me away like this?
How can you go on, and not even care?

I can not just let go of you
My mind fights it day to day
My heart still belongs completely to you
My soul pleads for this emptiness to fade

I trusted you, I believed in you
I never thought that I would end up here
I never thought you would treat me like this
I never thought you could be so cruel

I don't know what you are going through
Is it so bad that you had to just leave?
What did I do that turned you away
Tell me something, talk to me PLEASE?!

Everyday-this one conversation
plays over and over, I can't get it to stop
Do you remember what we had together?
Do you know you still have my heart?

I never expected to give all of me
I never expected to find someone as perfect as you
and I never would have expected to be right here
Alone-wondering, what did I do?

So all that I have, is all that we were
I still hope it's what we can be
I don't want a life that isn't with you
But I can't make you want that with me

I love you completely with all that I am
I would give you all that I have
You could have had my heart for a lifetime
You still have it, I can't take it back.

The Stream

The Stream

The path has no direction
you can either come or you can go
you can choose to find the place
where the stream just flows and flows


You can go walk along the banks
you can go where the water flows
you can turn and go against it
It will not stop, it has to go


The water flows without effort
across the rocks, over fallen trees
there is no diversion that can stop it
it keeps on going-no reprieve


The water flows in silence
But if you listen, a sweet melody you hear
It sings of it's endless journey
it tells of all the places far and near


There are places when it was almost still
There are places the turbulence was too much to bear
There are places when there was so much around
And places like this, with almost nothing there


As the water draws me closer
There is something that I see
As my flowing tears fall into the flowing stream
There is a reflection-that is me.


There is a path that brought me here
It's the direction I chose to follow
And right here where it meets the stream
my reflection haunts me as I try to drown my sorrows.


The trees, the path-just EVERYTHING
around the stream it's just TOO still
This is my life drawn in nature's perspective
Life is moving. But I'm stuck here.

The water has no sorrow
for my pain, or this suffocating misery
It absorbs my tears, holds my reflection
It will not let me hide from ME


It takes my pain and suffering
And adds it to the end of it's own melody
It keeps on going as the current is thrusting
It keeps on moving, oblivious to me


My soul wants the stream to stop
My heart screams for it to let me just be
My mind doesn't want to embrace this
Let me go...leave me to my own suffering!


I can't move on like you do
I can't get through all these rocks in my path
And where all the trees have fallen down
I can't get over them, I don't have the strength!


So leave me, let me stay still here
Let me cry out and scream in my own misery
Let my sadness rip through my broken heart
Let me suffer. Let me grieve!


And as I scream out all my angst
The water moves without pausing for me
It swallows my screams, absorbs my pain
It moves through my soul with the same steady ease.


I don't know how I got here
so I can not continue to go
I can not flow through everyday
I hate the questions, I have to know!!


I'm not strong enough to keep up with the current
I'm not brave enough to accept my new truth
I just want to go back to how things were
I want my life back-I don't want anything new


The water still does not wait for me
It does not stop to listen to me groan
It flows on without entertaining my pleas
I hear what it's telling me. Yes, I know


I have to go on when I don't want to
I have to keep going when there seems to be no way
I have to keep fighting for everything I am
But I can't do it, not today


I need the strength of that small stream
I need the current to push me through
I need to stop letting life pass me by
I need to get up, I have to move


I hear what the stream is telling me
I see it go on without knowing the path
I hear it quieting the cries from my soul
I see that this way, I just won't last.


I'm getting up to move with my own current
I don't know where I'm going to end up
But I have to get through this place in my life
I have to keep going, I cannot stop.


Wherever the current takes me
I know that I will not be led astray
I will find the will to keep going
I will find it. I will find my way.


My path does have a direction
I have come and now I am ready to go
The stream has showed me what to do
Pick up my heart and put down the sorrow


I don't know exactly where I'm going
I don't know in the end, where I'll be
But the stream shows me my reflection
The stream won't allow crippling misery


I don't know the rocks that will be in my way
I don't know how I'll get through the fallen trees
But the stream lifts me up and soars through my soul
The stream will not let me give up on ME.

Psalms 143

Psalm 143
A psalm of David.

1 O LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief.

2 Do not bring your servant into judgment, for no one living is righteous before you.

3 The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead.

4 So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed.

5 I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.

6 I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Selah

7 Answer me quickly, O LORD; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit.

8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

9 Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD, for I hide myself in you.

10 Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

11 For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.



Thank you Lord, for your word. Because without it right now, I would certainly be lost.

There's nothing more for me to say here. Simply because, I can't lead myself right now.

I am looking to the hills...

Yes, my help is here.

It's a better day

Today will be a better day, just because it can't be any worse.


I got up today, made up my mind to do what I need to do at work.

Do what I need to do at home.

And do it all while not letting these other things distract me.



Thank you all for your comments and e-mails. I appreciate your support. There's no need to be angry at anybody here-just like I don't understand-I can't expect you to, but I do appreciate all your kind words and expressions.


The thing is, normally I would pretend to be fine-and I just don't have to do that. It's not healthy.

I don't know what will happen. I don't know if things will work out. I don't know why this happened. I don't know how it came to be like this. I don't know when, if ever, my heart will stop aching.

What I DO know is that today will be a better day. Not because I said so, but because God gave it to me.

It's a better day.

Things could be worse.
Things could be better.

But I just have to deal with how things are right now.

It's a better day.

I Win

You know, I knew that this blog would be more therapeutic than just a writing tool.

So I'm glad that my own words have touched ME.

I win.

I do win.

Everyday that I get up and I make it through the day, I win.

There was a time when things so much smaller than what I'm going through would have sent me on a tailspin...but although emotionally I'm still hurt, I will be okay. I don't have any doubts about that.

And instead of asking God why he is putting me through this...I have spent my time asking him to forgive me for not thanking him enough for the LIFE that I have been blessed with.

I can barely see this screen through the tears that are falling from my eyes, but I had that moment of clarity AGAIN. And I thank God for these moments. He's been showing me all through this that he still has a plan for me.

On Friday, I went to a friend's house and I just sat there with her. Thank you God for placing friends in my life that can offer me comfort. That can give me love and support in a way I never knew I would need it, but it was there.

On Saturday, I stayed in. Went out to run the nature trail, then right back in to be by myself. And the texts kept coming "The kids need you". And all I could think of was, I just can't take that right now. A knock on my door and my niece there to offer me a hug and a slumber party to make me feel better :-)

On Sunday, I could barely stand to be around all those people. All the kids hugged me like they had not seen me in years. All of them glad to see me, and every single one of them asked me if I was okay. I fought every time to hold these tears back, and I was ashamed of myself for showing my emotion so outright on my face. Then during benediction, the little girl I have prayed for relentlessy came forth to be baptised. To admit that she was angry that God took her mother away, but willing to let it go. I left. I couldn't take anymore.

THANK YOU GOD for putting these children, and all these people around me in my life. I had to think back-they didn't want to know what was wrong with me because I looked terrible, they wanted to know because they love me. Because for many of these young people, I was able to pull something from inside of me and help them to deal with what was on the inside of them. And together we were able to pull it out, pray about it, and move on. And for the child that lost her mother...how small are my problems. I am upset that someone I love has hurt me. But NOBODY has taken away somebody that I love. And in the midst of everything she has been through, she was coming back to God, saying here is my life-I'm sorry.

Just as he is on fire for what he wants...I've been on fire for a long time too. But I have been working towards it. I've always felt like the things that I have gone through were not placed in my life for me to be in pain, but to help others that didn't understand their pain. I have always felt and sometimes been burdened by the position I seem to play for others. Always here for everyone and often times felt like I didn't have anybody to lean on. I missed it. I completely missed it.

I have let this world make me my own enemy. I have let what society thinks a victim should be define the ideas that I had for myself. And all the while God was calling me to be something better and stronger. But He couldn't do it unless I stepped up to see it. And all this time, I have completely missed it. God, forgive me.

I have always had a way to see what people are feeling without really even talking to them. THAT is a blessing. God gave me that. And because he gave me that, he gave me a gift of knowing what words to use to soothe people. And he didn't just give me those words. He gave me a life and lessons so that when these people came to me, I would know what they have been through and they would know my words, my actions, and anything I had to offer were genuine and from my heart.

So as I sit here, heart broken and mind reeling-I have to thank God again because I could be somewhere so much worse than I am now. I don't have to tell anybody who I am, I AM who I AM and I don't think anybody has a hard time seeing it. I have to thank God for trusting me with everything I am going through. And I have to thank God again for the living testimony that even though I might have gotten comfortable or even a little lazy in who I am, he will never let me be any less than he expects. Thank you, God.

I win. Everything that I have been through, I got through it. I did that.

I win. Everything that has hurt me, only hurt me. It didn't GET me. I did that.

I win. Everything that looked me in the face now has to look at my back, because I didn't get over it, I didn't get around it, I got through it. I did that.

I win. I have proven that I know how to love, that I now know how to be loved, and that is exactly what I should expect and deserve. I did that.

I win.


I can't make anybody stay here. I can't make anybody want me.

But if they don't want me, I know what they have lost.

And as much as it hurts, I just know that that is how much stronger I will be.


I WIN.

The E-mail to only be heard in my world...

I am posting this for peace of my own mind. It has not been sent-it probably never will be and I"m certain that here there is no way for it to get to him...but it is for me.

Mr.,
I haven't contacted you because I wanted to respect your space and your decision. I did, however, think that by now, we would have had some communication-but I understand that you have quite a lot going on right now.

This weekend has been very hard for me, only because I'm not sure I fully understand how a small miscommunication ended up here. My first thought was that I certainly got what was coming to me in the form of how our relationship ended before. Mr.-If you were hurt like this, or confused like this. I truly apologize. My actions at that time were not because of you but because of things I was going through on my own. I'm not trying to justify this by saying that is your case-but I am truly saying I am sorry for hurting you in the past.

I have gone through this over and over and over and OVER in my head trying to figure out what I did wrong, what I said, just ANYTHING to give me some clarity for why we ended up here, but I have not found it. So from your statement, it seems you believe that I don't understand the notion behind what your lifestyle will be like. Then after a conversation with a friend, I was informed that you had had doubts for quite some time that I was ready for this next step you are taking. In the friends opinion, you may have wanted to experience some of the "crazy" things you had seen in the industry-and I think I know you better than that-but that could also be so. I don't fault you for that at all.

Also by your statement, you stated you need someone to just go with you. So, I still tried to go back and see where we weren't moving together. Mr., the thing is, you've been moving forward this whole time, and it was your request that I just "be here". And that's what I have done-it doesn't mean I have been stagnant in my life. I have completely understood that you need someone to support you and not ask any questions, and after you made that clear-that's what I have done. When you have asked for suggestion-I have given it. And really-it wasn't until your stay with me that we made this clear. So I don't know if we even had enough time to see if that worked for us or not.

To be fair to you, I have to really clarify where my feeling that you didn't consider ME came from. To just be honest, it came from the whole fiasco with the trip. I know I came to Your City and we had a great time, not to take ANYTHING from that, but you took care of everything, we had a very good time and then it was like I was supposed to forget it ever happened. After the short conversation we had in the airport, I could see that to you the issue was resolved. We had fixed it-but we never really did. I didn't bring it up again because you know I hate when people do that to me, and I didn't want to do it to you but you basically disregarded my feelings to do what you thought was right for your parents-even though you didn't even agree with them, and you admitted that. That is a hard pill to swallow. Then, after reading the e-mail from Sister, I understand you already had these things on your mind. Even though you said that Sister is not qualified to give you relationship advice because of her own issues, a lot of the points she made are things that repeatedly came from you as well. I don't know Sister. That e-mail only took me back to how upset I used to get because people judged me before they even knew who I was. If nothing else, it was important for me to see exactly how far I HAVE come. It was a weak moment for me, but honestly-after talking to you and talking to a mutual friend that Sister and I have, I understood where Sister might be coming from based on her own situation. I don't know it, I don't pretend to know it and to be mad at her would be downright childish. You said that you don't take her all of her advice to heart, but I heard alot of what she said in what you said to me in your last statements to me. I'm not mad at her for saying what she said because she knows you better than anybody and in many situations, I have been very thankful for the relationship the two of you have because I know she is the only person besides me, that you really confide in. Everybody needs an outlet, and I am glad you have that in her. She took what I said and she interpreted it the way she saw it, but you know me better. And it is to those points that I feel like I need a moment.

Mr., when I said I was a broken person-it's because I thought you knew what I meant. When we first started talking again seriously-you told me you were a broken man living on a prayer and a promise and that's all you had to offer. This is something I knew you would understand because we have been there at different times in our life. The thing about it is, to say and see that you have been broken means you have picked up the pieces and are moving forward. Yes, I may have been a broken person but I can look at the wounds and carry on. Of course I have problems, and I have issues, but I confront each problem, each issue right in the face and I deal with it. The person that can see issues and problems in another person should take a good, long HARD look at themself in the mirror-because we see in other people what we know about ourselves. I have never tried to give you my issues and have them to be yours. As a friend, I confided in you when I was upset, just as you have done. And any issue I thought would affect you, I gave you the information I thought you needed to be able to process it on your own and make your own judgement. Really, the only issue I ever had that you would have had to deal with was my "relationship" with Son's Father. And when I asked you for your input, it was not for you to DEAL with my issues. These are issues I have already dealt with. If I need somebody to deal with my issues, or to give my issues to someone-I know how to pray. To me, I wanted you to know everything about me. What I"ve been through, how I got through it, so you would know me...and I believe you did the same. It's how we learned about each other. In a moment of weakness, I took every fault I had and laid it on the line for you to show you that I don't in any way think that I have it all figured out, but I find a way to get it figured out and I thought we were doing that together with the problems that came up in OUR life. I haven't accepted that my life sucks-I wouldn't even claim that...because I would be telling God that I'm not grateful for every blessing that he was gracious enough to rain down on me. My life certainly does not suck. And if I was ignorant enough to only deal with problems the way I always have-I definitely would not be here. I deal with things as they come, and after I deal with them I make adjustments in my life so they don't come up AGAIN. I take what I have learned in life, from other people, from prayer and study and I use those tools to get me a step ahead each time. And the fact is, regardless of what I've been through, I'm still moving forward and up at the same time, and I couldn't do that without God. It doesn't take courage to admit that you have problems, it takes courage to look in the mirror and realize that at the root of all your problems is yourself. I've done that, and that's why I'm NOT the person that you knew before, that's why now I am who I am. I did not have to judge other people, look down at them, or kick anybody on the way. And for those that judged me, it's not for me to be angry with them, God will deal with them in his own way. Every enemy, every person that has hurt me, every person that wanted ill for me, I had to forgive them. That was for ME. I understand the implications of rededicating your life to Christ because I've been there too. It has occurred to me that you actually did hear me saying that everything you did was wrong because that's what you are used to. It was never my intention to "correct" you or "fix" you or do anything but give you an honest opinion in LOVE. I have never tried to control you, regardless of what anyone thinks. It has also occurred to me that I was not wrong for communicating my feelings with you, you just aren't used to that. YOu showed this in everyday matters. When they asked you to change some things in your music, you took it personally and didn't want to change it because you thought what you had was good enough. They didn't tell you it was wrong, they just wanted something different. It's still yours. I know this is a very sensitive subject so please know that I am treading lightly and these things that I am saying are not to put anybody down in any way, especially you. We both agreed that we never wanted to be in a relationship where one person kept things from the other, or things were hidden. And that is the kind of open relationship we have both worked for, I haven't hid any feelings from you even if I knew they wouldn't be received well. However, I know when I'm pushing on the line of you being too upset to hear what I have to say. This is not losing my identity behind anything. This is called compromise. There is no point in talking about something when both of us are just getting mad.

When the whole "trip" fiasco went down, you told me that I had to understand that I was dealing with close minded people who were stuck in the old days. It is one thing to understand it, and a totally different thing to have to deal with it. Mr., you are your own man. But time and time again, I hear your pain because it's almost like you feel guilty for wanting to live your life the way you know you can. You feel like you owe certain things, when in reality-you have done far above and beyond what anyone should expect. And that is what a family SHOULD do for each other. It never would have been an issue for me until I felt like their approval was more important to you than anything. THAT is why when I left I wanted to know what the next steps were. This whole fiasco was the first time you ever admitted to me that it bothered you that I didn't come out there more often. But I'm going to tell you, it DID bother me that everytime we went through anything you would bring up anything and everything you had done for me. This is not a challenge to see who is doing more for who. Anything I do for you, I do because I love you and because I want to. Anything you ask, that's what I have done. Not because I have to conform to being somebody you want, not because I have EVER lost my identity, because I love you. There is nothing you could ask for that I would consider too much-and if I just couldn't do it, I would tell you but I would damn sure try.

Often with your family, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Of course I am here for you to vent, but if anybody else would point out something about your family you would get very offensive. Just like what you said about sister-I don't know if I could have shared someone else's point of view without you getting offensive. But that's your family. And because I couldn't agree 100% either way, I didn't say anything because I didn't want you to take it the wrong way. You were beside yourself when it came down to the issues you were having with your parents, but you still wanted me to bring my SON out there. As an outsider looking in, I didn't see how that would help anything you were going through. But you took it personally and took it as me saying they are bad people. Mr.-I cannot judge your parents relationship or their marriage on anything but what you tell me, and even then I don't hold any personal feelings about it. However I feel about how they treat you or what you go through are my feelings towards YOU. Just like any parent, they teach you the best they can but it doesn't make it right. In my opinion, from the five of you-they did a fantastic job. Everybody has issues with their parents, and it's a hard lesson to learn that what they taught you might not be right for you. I know who you are, and regardless of how they frustrate you or how the way they do things drives you crazy-you do a lot of the same things that you complain about. I don't fault you for that. I have done it too. It's natural-and I have never expected you to change overnight or change at all. I have always just been here to work through it if it affects our relationship. And it has never been a case where I am always right. I know that you carry a lot of weight for everybody in your family-but I just don't know if you see how great you really are. Regardless of what they've done, what they've taught you, what you like about them, what you don't like-you are you're own person. And like every family-they will depend on you to do things until they realize it's not fair to you or they shouldn't expect it-when that realization comes-who knows. I don't know when it happened for my parents...for me personally-I had to stop waiting for their approval and realize that my own happiness was more important than what anybody said or did to me.

Mr., all I ever wanted was for you to follow your heart and bring your vision to life. I told you time and time again that if you needed space to do what you need to do, I could offer you that and you could have the peace of mind in knowing that I would always be here for you. I admitted to you that I was wrong for trying to make you see things the way I thought they made sense, but I was perfectly fine after I knew that you could see what I was trying to do for you-and then I had to realize that's really what you needed. To know that I was here, but you had to do things the way they made sense to YOU. It's not my dream...I don't see the path. I would make little jokes about marriage and children, but understand there was never any time limit in my mind. I believe that you know 100% that I am here for you. That if it took you the rest of your life to pursue that dream, that's just how long it took. What I promised you as a wife and as a mother didn't have a timelimit on it. Our relationship certainly wasn't "going nowhere" and if you felt that way, I wish you would have told me.

I never told you I didn't understand what your life would be like, you questioned me and somewhere along the line convinced yourself that I wouldn't wait around for you or I wouldn't understand the lifestyle. I told you once that I don't think you know how to be happy-and I just don't understand why. It really seems to me that you expect there to be some conflict somewhere, so when our relationship was easy-that didn't make sense to you. Anything worth fighting for will take work. "Sticking together" is NOT just for marriage. It's for any relationship that is worth something. The greatest test of any relationship is how you get over the toughest times. We have had some tough times and we have always gotten through it together. It was never easy, but we got through it, and really-I thought this was something we could get through. I did not make a commitment to you lightly or without thought. When I told you that I gave you my life, I meant that. NO ring, no piece of paper, NOTHING is going to make that any more true. The things I told you I did not need...of course they would not make sense to anybody else because it's not THEIR relationship. I

believe the thing I said to you that made you the most mad is that I don't care what other people think about how a relationship should work-I know what works for us. I"m not interested in outside appearances, opinions, anything-because I know what will work for US. It might not work for someone else, it might not seem normal-but at the end of the day-I knew that I would do anything for you-anything for us-because it was worth it. This is my life. I thought. NObody else can speak on my behalf for what they might think will work or won't. I said it, and I mean it-what anyone else thinks is relative and really-not relative to ME. Anytime you said you "just weren't ready" or you weren't "on my level" made me really wonder why you don't give yourself more credit. It's not about you "being on my level". It's just about you loving me. I love you for who YOU are. Those things don't matter to me.

There is nothing that anybody could have told me would be too hard for us. At the end of all of this, I thought I might have deserved a little more than "YOU ARE NOT IT". I would never intentionally hurt you, but it does hurt my feelings that you have shown more respect over time for people that completely disregarded your feelings, disrespected the man that you are, and hurt you to no end. We have talked, and we have made plans for as much as we could for what we know. Time and time again you said that I was everything you wanted-were you just trying to talk yourself into believing that? The hardest thing for me is trying to explain this to my SON. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. Just as God has a plan for me, I know he has a plan for him too-and I probably have underestimated his strength. But if you are truly walking away from me, you are walking away from both of us. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, and he will never be angry with you-he loves you. Mr., I love you with everything that I have-but that certainly does not mean I have lost any part of who I AM. I can only love you because BECAUSE of what I've been through I love God first, and completely love myself second. If I didn't love ME, there would be nothing that I could offer to you. At this point, I don't know where you stand because what you said seems so unlike you. If it is that you need some space, but you still want me to be here. That is all you had to say. If the things that I have done or said to you really made you that upset and you are completely done with me and everything we had, I respect that and I will leave it alone. I have no hard feelings against you. I love you and I am so proud of you for going after your dream, you will make it. I believe in you so much. If all I have to offer you is friendship, then I hope you will take that. If that is too much to ask of you, I will accept that as well.

My feelings for you have not changed, and the hard thing is-I don't think they ever will. The hardest thing about this is the notion that you ended this so abruptly, and don't even care about it anymore. I am here if you want to talk to me, and I hope you do. At any rate, I respect your decision if it is final.

I love you.



And that is it. Did I send this? NO I didn't. I sent a short unfeeling e-mail to just open the door and let him know I'm here.

And I am. My heart is with him-because it has nowhere else to go.

And that might seem strange to you-but I don't know how to stop loving someone when it went as deep as I thought our love went.

I never thought I'd be open enough to GIVE somebody my heart like this, so I don't know how to take it back.


As much as I want to send this-and as hurt as I am. I still have my dignity. If he wanted to know how I felt-I suppose he would have asked.

I guess for me, to publish things here means I can't pretend like it's not happening how it really is.

It is what it is.

And today, still.

I'm just not "IT".