Never Again...

You know, my personal motto is to EVERYDAY be better than I was the day before. So instead of being pissed, sad, or overly emotional-I guess I'm going to have to take this situation and be thankful for all the things I continue to learn about myself. Deeper understanding can only lead to better things, right?

So, I've stopped trying to understand his actions. I've stopped trying to NOT be mad at him. I've stopped trying to still give him some kind of credit for the man I thought he was. That man would still be with me. So, I've had some time to think about the things that I won't do again. EVER.

I admit that in my past-I haven't had a lot of definitive relationships that people would deem normal. The relationship consisted of me getting what I wanted and that's it. I had no problem with that. I had no use for having to answer to anybody, for having to spend unreasonable amounts of time with anybody, for trying to make it more than it was. I had no desire to be called before 10 pm. I had no desire to hang out with friends and family. My only desire was to be left alone and then available when I requested. Now along with this, I gave up little to NO information about myself. For what? I wasn't trying to make any meaningful connections. Now listen, I know you may read this in complete amazement at how trifling I was. YES TRIFLING. Nobody can tell you better about the things I have done than me, and I never intend to be anything but real ABOUT ME. I hated being questioned. I hated having to pretend to care about somebody else's life-because I had enough going on on my own.

I wouldn't even call the relationship with my son's father anything close to functional. I know that people looked at me and thought I was being so silly. That he was doing what he wanted to do and I was turning away from the truth. No...for the people that really know me, they know the truth IS that we were the same. To this day, you could never get him to believe that. You could never tell him that even TODAY I don't still think the sun rises and sets in him. I just didn't get caught. Yes, for periods of time I was faithful. But everytime he cheated on me, he got cheated on. I just never got caught. I never expected to get pregnant, but when I did I think he thought he was ready for a child and marriage. And coming from a home where my parents are STILL married, I figured the right thing to do was to get married for the child's sake. The only thing that you could definitely say about the relationship is that it was dysfunctional and lasted for a long period of time. It wasn't a good situation for me. I lost a lot of things, but the best thing I learned was what I would NEVER settle for. I don't have any hard feelings towards him, because I always kind of felt like whatever I got-somehow I deserved it. The best thing I ever did was walk away from that relationship-and somehow he still hates me for that today, and even more for the fact that I don't care. Now the stupidity after I left him-well that's for another day. :-)

So anyway, when you have "acquaintances" like I did, it's not like you ever officially break anything off. I mean, these men were trained to not call me in the first place. After time went on, yes they would check in from time to time. They might get me to go out to dinner. And in a couple cases, I thought I might actually want to spend more time so there was more interaction. Telling me that they "Loved me", or I was "the kind of woman I could settle down with" was a surefire one way ticket to get your contact info changed to "Do Not Answer #x" and should I ever see that person on the street they might get a handshake and a hello. THAT WAS IT.

None of these men ever spent any real time with my son. On a few occasions I MAY have let them come to my house, but there were other people around. It was never a "just the 3 of us" situation. Now, I started to realize that my undeniable devotion and love for my son led some to think that I really did have feelings for them but I was "scared" or trying to be hard, or didn't want to get hurt. Whatever...come around when I need you-that's all I cared about.

For the ones that I did happen TO care about, there often was a situation where I knew they had another girl, whatever. In hindsight, I realize you get what you put forth. So that shadiness, the seemingly lack of ability to have one woman-I never got mad about it. I didn't care. They were looking at a mirror image in me and just didn't know it. See, I have always known that I look very innocent. And my sarcasm in telling the truth was only taken as sarcasm. I never told anybody they were my "boyfriend", or they were the only one I was dealing with-that assumption was a self made assumption that I never cosigned for. All men assumed that my schedule would only allow for maybe one man. They let the 3 times a week in church, constant running around for my son's sports, constant meetings and trips for my professional organizations and work commitments would make it impossible for me to have time for anybody else since I seldom had time for them. Conversations would be like "I hardly ever see or talk to you, if I didn't know any better I'd think you had another man" and my reply would be "Well, I don't have a man. But you hardly ever see me cause I have to make time for the other 3 or 5 negroes I got on my roster". Those comments would be laughed off. It would be assumed that I was being sarcastic.

And I hardly EVER let them come to my house. When they did, they had to come well after my son was sleep and leave right after the business was adjourned. Did none of them ever think it was strange that they had and still have NEVER seen my house? Did they not think it strange that they would come in the kitchen, go downstairs to the bedroom and leave out the same way. It was acceptable to make a pit stop in the bathroom, but shower? NO. Drinks? NO-there's a 7 eleven down the street? Dinner? PLEASE.

So to me, how is it that you could deduce that I was the type of woman you could fall in LOVE with? How could you know you wanted to settle down with me, when real talk-you were getting pimped in the WORST way. And when I really had to break it down for some of them...well-that's why most men I deal with don't talk to me now. I'm fine with that.

I am not proud of the way I handled my personal life. I am not proud of the way that I played with people's emotions. My decision to stop doing this came long before I decided to get serious with Anthony. I had really stopped dealing with everybody. IF they should happen to text, I just didn't answer. No harm no foul.

So, when Anthony and I got back together, we shared alot about our lives. Only this time, it was about the time we had not been together. And actually-in that time-I had really kind of slowed down on being like that. In the year and a half that we were not together, I really only dealt with one person on a more serious level-but nothing major. So, this behavior had gotten old to me somewhere in my mid twenties. I told Anthony everything about how I used to be. For me, I was showing him that I wasn't sneaky anymore. I had no need for that. That vindictive "You got me, but I'll get you one better" was gone. In the process, I actually did hurt a lot of good men and I'm not proud of that at all.

So in Anthony's insecurity-he really had a problem with me dealing with any ex-boyfriend. I think by now we all know his reasons why. I never really cared that he dealt with his ex-girlfriends UNLESS I felt like there was something unresolved. Talk about going with your damn gut! So then, I started being like him, telling him to stop dealing with these chicks that weren't over him. SO NOT ME.

SO-never again will I put myself in a situation where I start acting out of MY character. WE all have exes in our life, and if you spent any amount of time with them and you are both over it-there is no reason you can not be friends. I have never asked an ex boyfriend to stop dealing with an EX. But at the same time, I know NOW that if you have that feeling that unresolved feelings are there-that's between those two people still having some sort of emotional connection. And if you have an emotional connection to someone else-how can you be 100% connected to me. Emotional Promiscuity-UNACCEPTABLE. I know now that that connection should have been resolved BEFORE I came around.

Along with that, I have some exes, people I dealt with, whatever-that are actually good friends to me. I stopped talking to all of them. Stopped having any kind of reasonable communication so that Anthony could feel better about his insecurities. But-I'm not like him! I made it plain and clear to these men that we were done. And the stupid thing is-that these men are all intelligent, respectable men that didn't overstep once I made things plain. Did some overstep? YES, but I explained to Anthony that is on ME. Because in the past, I might have been dealing with somebody-but that didn't mean I wouldn't deal with them too. So it wasn't on them, it was on me but I corrected the situation. It shouldn't have been an issue after that. For most of my 30 years if people didn't know anything else about me, they know I can't stand bullshit. So why I accepted this from him...well I know why-because I love him, but really-I have never backed down from anything or anyone before, so why I started with him, not sure. Never again.

Everything I did to show him that I was really there-he just used it as his own fuel to tell himself I wasn't trustworthy. What I'm thankful for is that my friends, real friends, see the change in me and that should have been enough for me to know that it wasn't ME it was him. So to my friends, I feel like I owe an apology because it's basically like I was telling you "Thanks for noticing but you don't matter" because it was HIM that I wanted to see it.

I am so much smarter than I have been. It is true you can't help who you love. It is true that you do stupid things for love.

I worked hard for that relationship, and I don't regret a thing. I did everything I could and I damn sure gave everything I have. Anything worth having will take work, and I worked and fought for a life I thought we would share together.

But never again will I let someone else's insecurity define who I am or the things that I do.

Take it or leave it.

And I'm just finally realizing that if you leave it, I'll be okay. Because everything I worked for, everything I am, everything I have is still mine. You left-but you didn't take it.

And in all the hurt, I allowed him to make me feel like I have nothing left.

Never again.

Side Piece?

I realize that constantly trying to make sense of this situation makes no sense. I'm not a person without logic or reason, but I am human and contrary to popular belief I do have feelings. :-)

So, talking to a male friend last night he made a good point-was I the girlfriend or side piece? See, I'd like to think that being in touch with his family-sending flowers, Christmas baskets, and being taken to socialize with siblings and such would make me the girlfriend, but maybe not.

Now I understand the sideways looks of his friends, the uncomfortable side glances, and the questions. It used to bother me that his friends were always trying to say something shocking about him to me and I would tell them we didn't have any secrets from each other-and they would chuckle and exchange glances.

I witnessed them non-chalantly trying to expose another one of their friends while he was there with another girl. How come I didn't get it? I mean really!

I have been really trying not to get so mad that I completely erase him from my life. It's painful. I love him. But I wonder if he showed me the person he really was when we were together or in the end? Another question I know can never be answered. I know it's unfair to say that he never loved me if he treated me like this-but how can I feel like his feelings were genuine when it seems clear to me day to day that the relationship I was in is NOT the relationship he was in.

And although I want to keep the door open for him, I just can't. If he ever truly wanted to let go of these games he plays-if he ever truly wanted to be the man I know or thought he could be-if he ever truly wanted to change-then maybe I could open the door. But for now-it must be closed.

I can't help wondering what else I was supposed to do. I want to tell myself and I want to hear when people tell me I did more than I should-but if that is really true-would I be here?

Over and over again he would tell me that he had no idea why I even wanted to be with someone like him who was doing nothing with his life. Over and over he wondered why I saw what I saw in him. Over and over he told me that I was such a great person, that I was everything that he could ever want but he didn't know why he deserved me. Does he believe that? Does he believe that he did not deserve me and then go find someone he thought he did?? Or does he truly think I don't deserve him? Am I truly not the one he wanted, so he said what he said to try to make me feel better about myself?

I'm proud of myself for the way I've changed, the way I've grown up, for loving somebody with everything I have and showing to them that nothing was ever too big, nothing was ever too hard-that I would be steadfast by his side no matter what. He walked away...AGAIN.

So, I could wonder if I was the side piece or the girlfriend.

I could wonder what I did wrong.

I could be mad at him for lying and cheating on me.

Instead, I will hold on to that love that I had for him. Pure, unconditional, without limits, without boundaries...and know that I gave that to him. Know that I gave him everything I had, and if it wasn't enough for him-then it just wasn't enough.

I'm not sorry for loving him. I'm not sorry for giving myself completely. I'll never be sorry for the time we did have.

I'll always be thankful for his love. I'll always be thankful for the things he taught me about myself. I'll always be glad that I opened up my heart. I will remember him for the person I thought he was. I will never stop hoping that is the man he can be. I will never stop praying that he conquers every dream he ever had and becomes the star I know he is.

I will not try to understand the man that he showed me, because that is not the man I loved. And if that is the man that he is, I pray he doesn't give up on being the man he wants to be.

In reality, I could not be his girlfriend, She can not be his girlfriend...nobody can be anything. Because the first love he needs to find is that unconditional love for himself.

So while I love him, while I'm sad to have lost him...I have to love me more than that.

It's not getting easier. I don't feel any better-I just know that this is the reality.

It doesn't matter where I stood...

All that matters is that I stand.

I'm standing.

I'm living.

I will be okay.

If I had never loved him-I would not have known I was capable.
I'll take that.

Mad Enough

Again, I'm back at a place where everyday is just a day. I find it hard to look forward to almost anything except for the end of the day-because that means I will have made it one more day.

I hate this empty feeling. I hate feeling like I have nothing and wondering if he has anything. I hate not believing what he said because I've never not believed him before. Looking back, there were little inconsistencies-little things that should have jumped out in my face-but because I loved him and trusted him-I turned away from it. I hate feeling like he walked away from me to walk to somebody else. I hate feeling like everything I have done is for nothing, because he didn't want what I had to offer anyway.

In my life, there have been many people that I found that I had no use for. And usually, it was about me being mad enough about whatever they did to me that made me leave them alone and erase them from my life completely. And through this process, I have been telling myself that he doesn't deserve that. I've been telling myself that I can't do that to him. And after that, I'm still alone, still hurt, still completely broken...so why am I holding on?

I have nothing to hold on to. I feel so betrayed, so stupid. What was the point of planning your life with me all these months? What was the point of putting me through all of this? What was the point? I want to believe that he does love me-but that doesn't come without knowing that I think he is falling in love with her. I don't believe for a second he is by himself-I believe he moved what was hard out of his way and now he wants to have fun and talk and plan his life with her. Wherever it's going to go.

As much as it hurts me, and as much as I have tried to control it. I am mad enough. I am mad enough to know that the person he is right now? I have no need for that person. I did not lie to him, I did not betray him, I never did anything to intentionally hurt him and he has been living his life like this all along trying to get close to her and making me feel bad about who I am. I have no time for that. I don't deserve that.

I just wanted him to be happy. I wanted things to happen in his life. I wanted to provide the support he needed in order to be able to do what he needed to do.

I am mad. And mad enough.

I have to let him go. As much as it hurts me, as much as it scares me-there is nothing he can do for me if it wasn't important enough for him to protect my heart the way I protected his.

He is a liar.

He is a cheater.

He is a person that is lost and confused and needs to find himself.

It hurts me to write those things-because I see so much more in him.

He is somebody that has moved himself into my past. I just need to find the strength to keep him there.

I believe people can change. I believe people can get better. I KNOW that what he has to offer right now, is nothing that I need.

I never thought I could love somebody the way I love him. I never thought I could commit myself to someone the way I committed to him. I never thought my life was going to have to go on without him. I never thought he was capable of this kind of deception. I never thought that he would be the person to completely break my heart so wide open that all I can do is carry it this way because I don't have the strength, energy, maybe the courage to put it back together again.

And although I love him, although I miss him, although I want him more than anything-I realize that the Anthony I thought I was loving is not the person I thought he was at all.

I'm mad enough to let go.

Now I just have to get strong enough to move on.

The Things I Wonder About...

After writing the story yesterday, I was overwhelmed by the amount of love and support from all of my friends. Every word, every note, every e-mail-they all help me, they all encourage me, and if nothing else-they all help me to know that who I thought I have become IS who I am.

I had a long conversation with a very good friend of mine who told me that she could say what everybody else is saying-but she had been through this and wanted me to know the things she learned. It gave me a lot of insight into my own situation. I can't say that it necessarily made me feel better-but it just made a lot of things make sense. And I haven't been able to make heads or tails of much of this.

Basically-my story, my feelings were a run down of something she had been through previously in her life. And of course she can't tell me 100% how Anthony is feeling or the motivation for his actions-but it did help.

One of the disagreements Anthony and I had last week when he was here was regarding how he is covered on my health insurance. Out of nowhere he says "You know that thing you're doing with your insurance is illegal, right?" I was like WHAT!! I had no idea what he was talking about. See-I often forgot that I have worked in an office setting basically since I was in college. I know the common-ness of situations like this. The way I went about mine was just different. Our situation allowed me to do this. I'm NOT stupid. Now, for those of that see this all the time-you, like I, probably don't see the big deal here. So Anthony says "I saw my Dr. and asked him about it and he said it didn't sound right to him". I was a little irritated. I mean, first of all, Anthony requested that I do this for him. It was something I told him I could do if he thought it was a good idea and I had no problem doing it. To me, health insurance is one of those things that you don't think about until a $5000 hospital bill is looking you in the face or you can't afford some prescription. I was also irritated because I thought, why would a DOCTOR make an analysis like that not knowing where I work, what my company policies are, or who I am. I thought it was so silly. Then when talking to my friend she made it plain for me. He didn't talk to his DOCTOR. There is somebody in his ear, who doesn't want him to be with me for whatever reason, and that's what SOMEBODY said. Makes sense. Doesn't even make sense that a doctor would say that, but this person probably already outlined for him that I would get upset that he questioned me. What do I have to gain by providing somebody health benefits? He saw all the paperwork and he knew about it every step of the way since I completed the task at his request. So, there were some major outside influences at work here. I can't say for sure what all of them are-but I realize that not only did my actions have to make sense to him-I was being put up against a jury of people that don't care about Anthony-they care about what Anthony can do for them and concentrate on hating on the things in his life they wish they had OR finding a way to get to the place in his life where they want to be.

Makes sense that we had made plans, had a plan in motion for HIS life mostly and then somewhere between the time he now claims he was getting "close" to her, all those plans started to fall apart. We had graduated from "let me fail and then help me" to "I see what you are trying to do and how this makes sense for me" and then back to "Let me fail and then help me". Now it makes sense.

I just really wonder where he thinks their relationship is going to go. I don't think she is a bad person, I don't know much about her. But I do know that he told me that she is separated from her husband and living at home with her mother. I don't ever fault anybody for that. I too had to get MYSELF together at one time and move back home. The difference is, I left the relationship FOR GOOD. I was working on getting out on MY OWN. Moving on with MY LIFE. Now had I been married, if I wasn't trying to see what happened, I would assume that as soon as I left-paperwork would have been filed. And through everything he has put me through, it kills me to know that I'm looking at his situation from the outside in KNOWING he is about to get his heart broken again. I don't want that for him. Part of me thinks that's what he gets for being stupid...but I can't stay mad at him for long.

Then I remembered something she said on the tape. "As long as we have good communication between us about EVERYTHING, and you know...no outside influences"
Yes Courtney, because you realize that he can be influenced by OUTSIDE influences...because that's what you've been.

Don't take this as me having hard feelings towards her-I have no idea what her intentions are. But based on her actions-I know that her intention is not to be divorced. If he can't see that-that's on him. I have no right to speak on it.

So, I was watching The Bachelor last night and basically the girl he picked got screwed over in the end. But her words punched me in the face:
"Why did you put a ring on my finger? Why did you propose to me? You wanted the relationship and as soon as things were different you got scared and you don't want to fight for me. You don't want to fight to see if this will work. You just get scared and run away to somebody else."

And then when she was away from him, she said she wasn't mad-just hurt. That she wished he had wanted to fight for her. That she wished he wanted to try. She said that it must be her. Must be something about her. And as much as I wanted to be able to look at her and think, no that's not true. I'd be a hypocrite because that's how I feel.

I laid in bed for a long time thinking maybe I should not have told so many people what really happened. And I keep going back and forth thinking his own words were that he was going to stop running from the truth. But do I have the right to make him stand up to his own truth. Am I judging him? Am I being unfair?

So badly I want to know if he actually did what he said. Did he tell her he's not trying to be with anybody? Does he really want to still have me in his life, or did that just sound good? Is he really just being by himself so he can get closer to God? Because after I saw him with her-I don't believe that at all. I believe that he got me out of the way, felt bad about it-but then realized that maybe she's the one for him. And I wonder if he told her everything he told me and if she was more understanding, does that mean to him that she's better for him because she didn't get mad and not want to talk to him? Because in my head, she doesn't have a right to get mad at him for being with somebody-but to him does that mean that she's more accepting of who he is?

No matter how I think about this-I can't get it to sit right with me. I'm not better, but I feel like I can't let myself get any worse. I read past blogs from last August where I was going through the same thing-but I had hope then. I hadn't been lied to and cheated on. I feel guilty now for how much I pray because I should have never pulled away from God and I'm so sorry for that. I mean I still prayed...but I was praying for him and God was showing me the truth, I just didn't believe it or want to see it.

I don't know what's going to happen between us. I don't know what's going to happen for me. And honestly, I just don't have the energy to wonder. I'm just existing. Trying to do what I can to keep my mind clear and the tears from falling from my eyes, because I don't want to be bothered with people asking what is wrong with me.

I wonder if I would ever forgive him. I wonder if he would ever even want me back. I wonder if it would be the dumbest thing in the world to take him back. I wonder if he hurts at all. I wonder if he cares. I wonder if loving him like this will ever stop hurting me. I wonder why he didn't want to fight for me. I wonder if I can ever forgive him. I wonder if I can ever stop blaming myself.

I just want a piece of some peace.

I'm trying not to let this situation take my happiness, my joy, my peace but it has slipped right through my fingers.

Today I'm still hurt.

Today I'm still sad.


But today, I am mad. And I wonder if that means anything to him at all.

The State of MY Union

As much as I don't want to do this-I promised myself that today I would write about this and try to let out some of this emotion that I've been fighting for a few days.

Understand a few things before reading this explanation of what happened:
1. I invited all of you to read this for a reason. I hope to make that clear while writing this-but understand this is real emotion, raw emotion-an outlet for me. I'm not here to tear anybody down-but this is my life.

2. Understand that even if you didn't know it before-I am leaps and bounds more expressive in my writing than in talking.

3. This is not an invitation to a pity party. It's my emotions...real and right now. I'm not going to hide them.


So...where to begin.

Well, as you all know-Anthony has been having a hard time these last few months. The reason I know that you all know is because you heard from me from time to time asking you for your prayers for him, for us, but mostly (I think) for him. Anthony has been going through a time in his life where things start to fall apart and nothing is as it seems so you get into a continual pattern of having to pick yourself up where you fell.

See-as some of you do or don't know...we stopped talking for about a month last August. At that time, Anthony had stopped working for GM and I was really excited for him to really give 100% in pursuing his dream to make his music his life and his career. At that time, he felt like I didn't understand his lifestyle, and never would so he said he couldn't do the relationship anymore. And then-I was very much in a similar place to where I am now. I was in shock, but something told me it was not over. I thought he was overwhelmed. So I prayed and just stayed strong in believing that we could work it out, we would work it out, and things would be fine.

We did eventually start talking again and things seemed to be fine. We had a new understanding that there was no time limits on our relationship. He finally understood that I knew that his life was going to be unpredictable to say the LEAST but he finally understood what I was offering. See, during the summer when he was getting ready to leave GM, it was my idea that he could just move to Colorado. But my idea of moving was not to settle down. It was so that he could go and do whatever he needed to do. So that when he needed to pick up and go somewhere, he could just GO. At first, Anthony didn't like the fact that he felt like I couldn't go with him. Either because of Trey, or my job, etc...he felt like I should be able to just pick up and go with him. He wanted me to experience what he was experiencing. Well-to me-even if I didn't have Trey...I wouldn't do that ANYWAY. I told him that while I was trying to get to where I am now, I had to settle OVER AND OVER again for jobs that I hated, being in positions that I knew weren't going anywhere-but I had no choice. I had a child depending on me. I had to do what made sense. I didn't want that for him! I wanted him to be able to go wherever he wanted to go with no worries of having to please anybody BUT himself. I wanted him to be able to say "Nope, this isn't for me" and move ON. For a while, I thought he understood that. He had said that in April, he was moving here. I really wanted him to understand over and over, that moving here didn't mean moving in with me, settling down and making a life. It meant get on your GRIND, be about your business, and go where you need to go with no worries about little things while you are gone.

In the meantime, he kind of went from job to job. I did whatever I could to help him. I've always known that as much as he is a free spirit is as much as I am grounded. Although our talents and goals were very different, I understood every step of his life. I had to learn to not try to save him FROM the things that were going to happen but to just be there when things didn't work out and encourage him to keep on going because things WOULD get better. Whether it was paying bills he couldn't quite take care of, providing health insurance for him, whatever-I did these things because I love him. Because I knew I could take care of them and they were things that you don't think about until you are in a horrible situation where the lack of these things in place causes great strain. And because if in the same situation, he would and HAS done the same thing for me!

I'm trying to stay coherent here, so bear with me. Around mid-October I received some weird e-mails from someone who was sending ME an e-mail chain between Anthony and a "Courtney". It was e-mails where he had sent her a picture of his outfit, songs from iTunes he had downloaded and sent to her...nothing major, or what I thought at the time, warranted any suspicion. It was his actions that made me suspicious. See, my e-mails come to my phone. So I saw this e-mail come into my phone and I couldn't get the whole thing, so I refreshed-then it was gone! Then there was a reply from me, then everything was gone. So when I get back to my desk, I realize Anthony is in my e-mail answering the e-mails AS me and then deleting all the evidence. I called him and asked what was going on. So-we had no idea who it was and I finally sent an e-mail to all parties involved basically telling the guy to stop contacting me, that Anthony and I were together and to just stop the drama. I HATE DRAMA. I knew who Courtney was-she was someone (A MARRIED SOMEONE) that Anthony had dealt with before we ever got back together from 2005. A jump-off basically. So, honestly-the way he handled it was suspect, YES. But I never heard back from anybody and that was it. I took his explanation for it...let it go. looking back on it now, and finding her e-mail was signed in another time I was trying to sign into MY e-mail, I realize he probably intercepted the note that she was copied on-so she never saw it, just like I wouldn't have.

In November, we went to NJ/NYC. This was the first time I ever felt like there was a disconnect in our relationship, but I knew he wasn't really happy with where his life was at, so I kind of let it go. I asked him why there was no affection, he seemed very disconnected which was just not like him. He then told me again that he was unhappy with life, and just couldn't be that way feeling like he was. I took that.

In December, things started to get a little hectic for me. We found out my grandmother in Korea was sick. And this strain between Anthony and I was really bothering me. So all I could really do was pray that I could be the support he needed. Constantly prayed that I had the right words to encourage him and keep him lifted in his pursuit of his dream. So, I get on facebook one day and I see that one of his ex-girlfriends, Bryonne, has tagged him at a KC Chiefs football game. Understand that I didn't even get mad when I saw this. I figured it was an old picture, I knew what she was trying to do because Anthony had told me repeatedly she was trying to be back in his life and she was "that" ex girlfriend that just tries to cause drama. So her posting of pictures came directly after I finally put up pics of our trip to the east coast. However, when I looked at the date of the picture-I realized that Anthony and I were together at the time. That this was AFTER we had started talking again and I was PISSED! I just couldn't understand how he could have missed telling me he was going somewhere, especially with her...and as much as we talk and text everyday-how did he get out of this? What could he have told me that I either didn't bother him or talk to him for the duration of a football game??!! His explanation was that we weren't together-until I broke down the timeline for him. He said he didn't think I would understand, he was wrong...no explanation-he was just sorry.

I went back to Kansas City for New Years. I thought it would be different. SAME DISCONNECT. No real affection...I just didn't feel wanted like I used to. So, during this time, Anthony was working. I was on his computer looking up some information and when I went to Yahoo, his e-mail came up. I opened it. I know this was wrong, I know it wasn't the right thing to do-but after the things that had happened...I opened it. Sure enough, an e-mail from Bryonne. It said alot, but said nothing. See-I understood that she's one of these silly females that an ex-boyfriend could say "HI" to and in her mind they are on the mend. I responded back to her e-mail and told her to "LET GO. YOU DON'T MATTER" and right when I hit SEND, I realized that this was NOT one of the most stellar moments in my life. I was ashamed that I had even stooped to her level. I was mad at myself for going there with him when I thought I knew I could trust him because he just wouldn't do me like that. So instead of trying to cover it up-and knowing he would be upset-I told him what I did. I felt like our relationship was so much more than that, and although I had made a mistake-I was NOT going to lie to him.

Anthony came home from work early to basically go off on me. Told me he couldn't believe I had went through his stuff. That after all the things I HAD DONE, it was not fair that I still thought he was doing things behind my back. Said there was no reason for us to be together if there was no trust...this went on and on and on. He told me that I shouldn't even compare myself to them, since he didn't even really know why I wanted to be with him because I could do so much better-that he didn't deserve me. At this point, knowing what I know now-I can't even really begin to go here-so sorry.

I left and I fully expected him to just tell me he was done. Now, don't get me wrong. At the time-I DID think his reaction was a little extra but I also just kept taking into account all the stress he was under. In January, I lost my wallet-I don't think I need to say much more. You all know that means cancelling of debit cards, blah blah blah. Well, I had supplied Anthony with a debit card just in case of emergencies and the card did not get cancelled, but they would not allow it to be used until I got and activated my new one for my protection. However as he was trying to use it during this time-it took us awhile to get that answer. But-common sense told ME that it was probably a precaution-but Anthony got pissed. Stopped talking to me for about a day (which might not seem like a long time to you, but being that we were long distance-we talked/texted several times an HOUR) and I was all stressed out thinking that I had failed him. I wired him $100 dollars and texted him the reference number and I get a text back along the lines "As I sat here hungry last night, I realized that things have gotten out of hand so I handled my own business. I cut up your card and checkbook. I appreciate what you TRIED to do, but I've got to handly my business". So I felt AWFUL (Listen, I understand that this is the part where you get frustrated with me...). I knew he was mad at me, and I felt so bad because he always talked about all the ways he was there for everybody else, and I just felt like if he could depend on anybody he should be able to depend on me.

Again, the communications between us were a little strained. ONe morning, I get a message from Bryonne on Facebook. It was laughable at best. She said they had been seeing each other off and on, that he had positioned himself as a family with her and her son, blah blah blah. I didn't believe her, but I did have a problem with her contacting me. So of course I told him about the e-mail, but I told him my problem was that he seemed to still want to have some emotional connection to her. Why was it important to talk to her? Why was it important for her to not think he hated her? So, this caused a break down where he said he was not over her...still mad at her. I had known this for quite some time, but he would not confirm it. Again, I understood where he was coming from. I understood that he did not want to be with her, but it was frustrating to have been with someone that you gave so much too and feel like they didn't have to suffer like you. So, that incident, opened up a huge door of communication for us. He realized that I will take things personally if I don't know the source of the anger or discontentment, but just being honest about his feelings...I could listen. It didn't hurt me to hear him talk about how she made him feel, or how angry he was. He needed to get it out. Over and over again, he would say "I wish I would have known I could talk to you like this"

Then Anthony lost his job again. I was ECSTATIC!! See, every job turned into the same situation as GM. Hours he didn't like to work, place he wasn't comfortable with...and I just thought "This is God at work". I told him NOT to get another job. I told him he could move here or I would help him with his bills...but STAY AT HOME, work on his music. I talked to him about getting unemployment, understanding it wasn't a handout, and just focus 100% on his music. Soon after, he got an opportunity to work with an in-demand producer and they wanted him to come to LA! He was happy. I was happy for him and always praying and asking people to pray that this was the breakthrough he wanted and so much deserved.

Anthony was originally supposed to come here for Valentine's Day and to be here for Trey's birthday party, but he told me that Brian Kennedy was going to be in Kansas City. Well, I knew what the logical decision was. Although I wanted to see him...it made no sense for him to come here when Brian was THERE. So I told him that I wasn't going anywhere, he's welcome here anytime...but this was one of those things where we were going to have to be prepared for whatever opportunity presented itself.

The trip to LA did not go well. Anthony made some contacts, but it wasn't what he expected, he returned home early and decided to come here on the following Tuesday and stay through Sunday. I was ecstatic to see him, but I knew he needed some time to decompress and just relax.

Anthony got here on the 24th, and I wasn't surprised this time by the disconnect. I knew he wasn't happy. We talked and he told me about the trip, and he always seemed relieved that I knew where he was coming from. He got a dose of some "LA FOLKS" and I told him that I never understood why I had an opportunity to work in the industry for my short time in LA, but I was glad now because everything I told him was everything it was. He was discouraged, but I told him...every step is a STEP. Regardless of what direction-it is a STEP.

Fast forward to Thursday morning...

Anthony and I are laying on the couch, and I was a little concerned that he seemed very distant. In the last couple days I had noticed that if I got close to him he might flinch a little, or seemed reluctant to even hug me. So, as we lay on the couch I gave him his distance. He continually asked me what was wrong. Finally I told him how he was acting. Told him I didn't even feel like he wanted me to be around him. I asked him if he honestly needed some alone time I would leave him alone, but I would rather him tell me that than feel like he didn't even want to be affectionate or intimate with me. This again turned into a huge production. He told me he was tired of being told by ME that he was not enough. That he did little things like waited for me to eat, offered to fix things around the house, etc. and he felt like those things mattered too, not just being intimate and/or affectionate and if that's the only way I felt like he was connected to me it was a problem. At this point, he did make me realize I was being a little selfish. I told him that I had overlooked those little things, and based on how he was feeling I was sorry for making him feel that way. He said he was uncomfortable and wanted to go home. Now, I felt like this was a little much. He said he didn't want to break up, but he needed a break from everything and everyone and he just wanted to go home. So I told him, that if we are going to be together, he's not always going to be able to GO somewhere else. I offered to give him a couple hours to cool down and then we could continue with our week. He said NO, he wanted to go. Somewhere along the way it turned into a discussion of how he needed to get his life right because he didn't feel like the right doors were opening for him and he asked if we weren't together if we could be friends. Now, over the past couple days he had been saying things like this...and I asked him over and over again if he was trying to just push me away. He said that he just wanted to do things the right way, get closer to God, and wanted to know if I'd be there for him. He said I deserved more, that I had all of my life together and he just didn't even know why I would want to be with someone who had nothing to offer me. At that point, I felt like his mind was made up. I took him to the airport. I was devastated.

He texted me to tell me he was sorry. He asked if we could talk. At that point I felt like, you know-I DO deserve more BUT I have known what he was going through. But after you walk out on me? I wasn't sure what I could take anymore.

So, he called me at about 3:30 on Friday morning. He asked how I felt. And I told him that I had been existing in a one sided relationship, but I love him, and I knew things would get better so I didn't understand why he had to walk away. THEN, some issues of OLD started coming up. He basically said he didn't know if he could trust me.

Let me make a couple things plain here...I know this is long...bear with me. I am not ever going to pretend like I was innocent before this relationship. I think the mistake that I made is that I told Anthony EVERYTHING about how I used to be. I didn't realize that although it didn't bother me to hear about his past, it DID bother him. Now, there's only one real relevant incident I need to bring up here for you to understand his point of view, kind of. There was an incident that happened on my birthday that I thought we were past, but apparently we were not. There was a guy, that I had had previous relations with, (RELATIONS, not relationSHIP) that was at the club we were at. I had been with this guy over 6 years previous to that night. I had seen him from time to time and he had NEVER really tried to talk to me again. See, the thing about me when it came to men was that I did what I wanted to do. I did not pretend to be anybody's girlfriend, I made it very clear that my intentions were for ONE THING and that was it. Do not call me to chat, don't ask me to hang out...I had one purpose for men and I made that clear. So, there was never any clean break ups or anything like that. They stopped hearing from me, and they knew better than to call...so that was that. So, this guy gets in my face asking me to buy some raffle tickets. Then I realize he is REALLY in my face and I say "HEY...my boyfriend is over there". Even I realized that at this point it was too late. Now, maybe I shouldn't have told Anthony that this guy and I had had previous contact, but I had nothing to lie to him about.

This came up in our conversation about him trusting me. There was also ex-friends that still contacted me from time to time and I felt like I was telling them about my relationship and I was letting them know, but Anthony still felt like they were being disrespectful. He found an e-mail conversation between a friend of mine and me that he felt like he was being disrespectful. At the time I didn't feel that way, but I had to see it from his point of view. Then I realized that if Anthony felt disrespected, there was really no need for me to keep speaking to these people. So, for the ones I still had friendly conversations with, I cut all that. I never wanted to do anything where Anthony felt disrespected.

Then he kept bringing up the e-mail thing and I finally asked him how he could make that such a big deal when FIRST OF ALL, he was in my e-mail all the time. And SECOND OF ALL, if the signs weren't there, I wouldn't have even went there. I don't claim to be right, and I'm not trying to justify my actions...but I really wanted him to see-the SIGNS WERE THERE.

Then I asked him if he ever thought I cheated. He said "I don't know". That hurt me to my heart. I am not the same person I used to be. And if anybody should know that, I thought it would be him.

So I said, "Did you cheat on me".

"YES".

You could have told me a million things. But to tell me that Anthony had PHYSICALLY cheated on me...no. I would have NEVER expected that. He told me that around September/August he had given Courtney his number. That they had talked and gotten close and that he wished he could talk to me like he talked to her and that they had been intimate a few times.

So I asked if he loved her, and if he wanted to be with her. He said:

"I don't know".

And if my heart hadn't been broken enough, I can't explain to you how this made me feel. So...he is pleading with me to still be his friend because he doesn't want to lose me out of his life. Telling me how he wants to be closer to God, wants to fall in love again, wants to be happy again...and all I can hear is "I don't know". He said he was going to come clean with everybody, including her. I told him that if he wants to change his life, and move on-he has every right. I have said and will still say today that the worst thing you can ever do to anyone is stop believing that they can change. I told him that when he makes that decision, nobody has a right to remind you of who you were, because nobody knows better THAN you because nobody has to suffer for your decisions more than you. So I told him that knowing THAT, I could not fairly be his friend while loving him and wanting more. I told him that I would forgive him. That true forgiveness would come without any explanation from him, because I realize his explanation will never satisfy my heart.

We got off the phone and I texted him and told him that I had nothing else to say. I was his friend inside of the relationship...I didnt know how to be his friend with no relationship.

He texted me and told me that he left his camera. I knew I shouldn't, but I wanted to take anything of me off the camera. There, I found that on Valentine's day, he was NOT with Brian in the studio, he and his friends had rented a house and he took Courtney Baylis to a weekend getaway. He had texted me the whole weekend! Pulled off some dark picture where he looked so tired, supposed to be IN the studio. Called me-said he stepped out to just call me and tell me he loved me quickly before getting back to work-and now I realize the noise in the background was his FRIENDS!! On tape was a video conversation of him telling her that she was what he wanted for his life, but he knew it was going to get screwed up. I watched him touch her the way I longed to be touched, I watched him fawn all over her like he used to do with me. I watched him act the way he said he couldn't act because he couldn't get his life right. Then I told him that I saw it...he said he figured I would and that he wasn't mad.

My last text to him said this:
"Well I am. Don't ever tell me how great I am ever again. You've just added yourself to a long line of people who have told me in not so many words that for whatever reason I make it impossible to love me. That have undermined my intelligence and when I showed how in tune I am to other people's feelings and actions...tore ME down and made me feel like I was wrong...made me apologize and try to make up for my shortcomings...and YOU had me praying to be God to be the woman of God I needed to be, to be the best woman, wife, mother I could be. Begging God to fix ME. The difference is I knew what to expect from them and I gave them almost NOTHING. I was proud for committing myself to you. Thankful for your love...felt blessed for the way our lives intertwined. I did nothing to ever betry you until the signs were there...and you tore me down and didn't trust ME? I thought it was different because neigher one of us had to go back to the way we used to be. And while I was praying and trying to support you and do everything you needed...you laid up with someone else and told her everything I wished I could hear. So thank you for proving that I will never be anything to anyone. And the stupidest shit of all is that I don't love you any less...would be willing to work though it...but you can't even say "No, I don't love her-I love you". So for all the peoplethat you wanted to hurt because they hurt you...her is your BIGGGGGGGGGGGGG Victory. you come clean...whoo hoo! Fresh new start. GOOD FOR YOU. I am not willing to ever love anybody else because that's what I want to give to you...you don't want it. So as I try to find the energy to even want to live right now...congrats on your new start. Like I said...I WON'T harp at you so I'm sorry for this last outburts. But don't try to make it seem like I was special. You aren't like the rest of them...nobody has ever hurt me like this. EVER. Don't Apologize, don't say anything. Just like they all shit on you, that's how I feel. I hope you get away from the poisonous people that have positioned themselves as your friends. You deserve better"


And that was it. I haven't heard another word. I feel so STUPID. Visiting him in Kansas City, putting groceries in the house, cooking him and his roommate dinners to last them for awhile, cleaning up and doing his clothes all because I just wanted him to relax. To show him that those were things for me to do while I was there. That all the times I was around him and his friends and really told him that it bothered me that his friends were always trying to bring up things to make him look bad-trying to encourage him to move away from that kind of HATE...he is just like them. So a friend said to me yesterday "The kinds of friends you have indicate the kind of person you are". How come I didn't see that? How come I didn't pick up on the fact that his willingness to always tell his friends to not settle down and to live their lives was in fact his own opinion of his life.

I don't believe he came clean with her at all. I believe that he moved me out of the way and expects to be happy with a woman who is still married. That although she is separated from her husband...she is not divorced. If he doesn't get it...oh well.

I love him with EVERYTHING that I have. I never cheated on him, I never did anything to betray him except for open a damn e-mail and NOW my suspicions have been confirmed? So for the last three or four months I have been trying to show him that I trust him and can be trusted and I have apologized for MY behavior everytime he ridiculed me for being untrustworthy when it was really just his GUILTY CONSCIENCE!!??


And...is this all I ever get. Every man-this is the end result. So how can I not wonder what I'm missing that would allow somebody to only love me. That would make just ME enough. Have I hurt so many people, have I made so many mistakes that this is what I actually deserve?

What else did he want from me? What else was I supposed to do?

And the part that kills me-is that for NINE YEARS, I have been meticulously careful with my child. Some of you know some or all of the details, but the relationship between him and his dad is better but still bruised. So knowing that he had one person in his life that ALWAYS hurts him regardless of if that is his intention or not...I did everything I could to protect him from having somebody else hurt him. I know that I don't know his path, I know that I can't protect him from everything...but this is on me. THIS is my fault-and I am so mad at Anthony for not thinking about my child. I look at his face and I feel like I failed him. How many times can you hurt a child that doesn't deserve anything but happiness? If for nothing else, I will never put him through this again.

I feel so empty. I am so hurt. I don't know how to move on from here. I am mad at myself for being this pitiful. I am mad at him for putting me through this. I don't have the energy, the SANITY to even fathom loving somebody else like this.

I wish I could go back to the Monica that NEVER wanted to be married. That NEVER depended on anybody but myself and God. I was TOTALLY FINE with being alone. And along the way even realized that using men was not getting me anywhere and knowing that I didn't want to be that way...I was STILL okay with just being by myself.

I love him SO much. And I am mad at myself for still holding on to that. For not being mad enough to just say to hell with it all and putting my head on straight and keep on going.

I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful for the people around me that won't let me fall, and I am so thankful to all of you for reminding me who I am...because I don't have ANY of that right now. I'm also thankful to all of you for embracing him, embracing US. Praying for him, helping him if I reached out to you...I appreciate what all of you were willing to do because of your friendship to me. I thank you for your words. Some of them stay with me...

"You are the woman he needs, but not the one he deserves". Thank you JR...that has stuck with me for a long time. Especially since this was your analysis way back when things started getting rough. I keep trying to tell myself that, but I can't help but wonder if he needs me, why he doesn't want me. And to me, he deserves the world.

"It's not your failure" Thanks KB...but how can I not feel like that. I'm here again-wondering what else I could have given, what else I could have done, how else I could have supported him to just be enough.

"Niggas have faithful problems". JM-Thank you. It just made me laugh...but you meant it, and I think for some people you are right.


So that is my story. I know this was long, and if you cared enough to read it all, I love you and I thank you for your friendship. I don't know how to stop loving someone when you love them like I love him. I don't know how to let go of wanting to be with someone when you wanted someone like I wanted him. I don't know how to imagine my life without him. I don't know how to stop hoping that he still wants me. I don't know how to stop wondering if he even cares about me at all.

But the Monica that is Monica loves ME more. I know that...I'm just trying to believe that. To be that. I am making it day to day.

I love him.

I miss him.

But I have got to know that I didn't deserve any of this. I just don't know that yet. I'm just being honest.

I'm trying...

It's Okay

For all the times I've been hurt
All the things I've been through
I never wanted to be where I now stand
Inflicting pain and hurt on you.

I know what it's like to be used
to be taken for what I do and don't have
to be left without a fleeting thought
fo feel like I'm only good for what I give

I know how it feels when they all laugh and live
to feel like the world is passing me by
Trying to figure out where I fit in to it all
Wondering when I lost control of my life

I gave over and over to prove who I was
To somehow give "THINGS" as a symbol of love
to hopefully show my love in real magnitude
to hopefully be able to show who I was

And all that I gave is ALL that I lost
And it seemed I could get nothing back
While they got to enjoy what I gave
And on me? They turned their backs

My misery seemed to amuse them
my suffering seemed to be a mockery
and all that I gave of me-thrown right away
And it seemed the only person I had was me

So I turned my back on everybody
They turned their backs on me!
I had a right to be mad at all of them
Look what they did to me!

Nobody appreciated who I was
Nobody saw what I tried to do
And now, in my worst realization-
I've been "them" to you.

The anger helped me in the moment
But that didn't last for long
It shielded the most important thing
"They" didn't get me. I am strong.

So when I was down to nothing
I had to show myself who I was
I had to embrace all of those good things
Realize what I was really made of

And now you are reduced to that loneliness
To the emptiness where there should be life
And I have added to that pain
that rips through your soul like ice.

I too, once gave up on people
because they did nothing at all for me
because they took all I had to offer
And when I needed them, I only had me

Then I lashed out at them
They deserved to feel my wrath
They needed to know how much I gave of me
I wanted them to give SOMETHING back.

Some basically laughed right in my face
Scoffed and called it overreacting
They showed me what my need for them was
They didn't deserve anymore-ANYTHING-not from me.

Some had no idea of the anger I had inside
Seemed surprised I even had emotion so strong
Some declared they didn't ask for what I did
Accepted all of it-but now acted like I was wrong.

And then, a few TRUE friends, who listened to my rage
Offered an honest and sincere apology
Who honestly felt bad for taking me for granted
But promised to try to give back equally

You see-I know what it's like to be surrounded
But stand in the midst all alone
To look around and watch others move on
To stand-because I'm stuck in a hole.

I have held "them" in the back of my head
And tried to give you that same love-all of my heart
But all that I tried to give means nothing now
I tried. I failed. I fell apart.

But if I had never given to them
It would be impossible to give love to you
because I thought I could give you all that and more
I thought there was so much that I could do.

I failed you-it kills me through and through
I wanted to love you so differently
I wanted to give you more than I had-
I just pray that you accept my apology.

You're the last person I would ever want to hurt
You deserve the world and more
And because I haven't proven myself
If I have to-I will let you go.

It IS okay to get over all your hurt
It IS okay to be who you are
I will always be here, with all of my love
No matter the distance-I'll never be far.

But if you can find it in your heart
to let me try it again
I will love you for all that you are
Together we'll figure it out. We will live.

Please don't put limits on me-
I'm ready for whatever may come
And if I haven't said it enough
My life has been changed by your love

I love you-and I will let you go
If you desire and need to be free
I would wait a lifetime
You will always have me

And if I'm not the one for you
And you should find the one who is
She's the one who can give you all the world
Who brings you back to life again

I may not have the world to give
But I'm willing to give you my world
I'm willing to TRY to be that woman you need
And hopefully add another boy and two little girls :-)

I've held so much in-unfairly at your expense
BecauseI'm not sure now you know how I feel
I gave what I thought was all of me
To me-this is it. THIS is real.

I'm sorry for letting you down
This is not how I wanted it to be.
I see the amazing man that you are
And I thank you for loving me.

I see who you are, I know your heart
And you WILL make all of your dreams come true
Whatever it is you need or decide-I am here.
I'll never turn my back on you.

It's hard to bring this to an end
It seems impossible to say-
Whatever you have to do-I'm here
I'm not leaving-but whatever you do. It's OKAY.

I Can Go On Now

I'm not sure how to place the words
so that I can paint the story
of how I feel.

My heart-ripping in silent screams
But with the pain
Comes relief-so real.

The revelation. The TRUTH. Deafening.
I can't turn away
It's right in my face

I can't even grasp what has kept me
HERE. So Obviously-WRONG
So out of place.

Over and over-mistakes I have made
And I let you be my judge
the final word, yours.

Even if I hurt you in the process
It is only God's wrath I fear
Not you. Not anymore.

I let your expectations predict my actions
I let myself fail-but
the fault? It's mine.

I stood in the shadow you cast
over me-over my life
I've got to go. Now it is time.

I've held myself back. I've let myself down.
And as hard as I thought
I fought. I let you win.

I played the bad guy. Your villain.
Your excuse. YOU COWARD.
Not anymore. NEVER again.

Unlike you-I still see God in this plan
in trying to destroy me
HE didn't let me go

He gave me another chance to be me
You don't see his mercy
You don't even know!

The things you try to place on me
that Ugliness-it's not me.
Look. LOOK. It's YOU

I just followed the poor example
The immaturity, selfishness
Not me. NOT ME. YOU!!

No more heaviness in my heart
my soul-I'm setting it free.
You have no control.

Face your own demons. Fight your OWN self.
I've got to fly away
You can't use me. NO MORE.

Blood ties us together...but love??
Not from you. That's NOT
what you have given or shown

It is what has made me feel bound
You have had my love, respect-
And I thought you had GROWN.

I will love you and forgive you
because-you AREN'T in control
I am now-NOT YOU.

I will believe you can change
Your ways. Your heart.
Everything you do.

My energy. My passion. My heart.
You have had it.
I have had ENOUGH.

Thank you for the strength. Understanding.
Of what I have endured.
Thank you SO much.

All the while I thought it was over
God still had a lesson
For ME. In YOUR ugliness

I still didn't allow him to reveal
Opportunities. I let go.
of MY happiness.

I see it now-Oh THANK YOU GOD
I know where I can go
I know what to do.

Who are YOU going to hold down now?
There is no one to punish
YOU have to deal with YOU.

May God bless you in your journey
as he deals with ALL OF YOU
All of YOUR "things"

I'll pray for your strength
Pray for Your Soul
I don't need YOU to pray for me.

I have everything, everyone I
could ever need
Not you-go your way please

Thank you for the clarity
Thank for for the strength
I can go on now-
You don't get to stand in my way.

Good-bye to hurt, pain, shame.
Hello to life renewed.
I can go on now-
I'm over it. I'm PAST YOU.

I cannot remove you from my life
But I can move my life from you
I can go on now-
Good-by to what you tried to do.

Now you have to deal with you.

I'm going on now-will you move on too?


You don't have to-
I can go on now.

Do whatever you need to do.

And if you decide to stay-
I can go on now.

Do it your way.

Yesterday was yours, maybe also today-
I can go on now.

Tomorrow is mine. MY way.

No hard feelings, no regrets-
I can go on now

And what you deserve-YOU WILL GET.

I can go on now.
Good-bye.

I can go on now.



1/27/2008
MAH
8:43 PM

Ecstasy

Ecstasy has replaced the fantasies
Fantasies have become the reality
Of the fusion of our bodies
As our souls are laced
In the strongest
Concentrated
Substance
That our love dissolves with ease

My body becomes one with your body
Your body is my sanctuary
Adulterated by my lust
Beautifully tainted
by my passion that
Devours
Ravages
Your being while drowning you in this sea of erotic love

As you beat the rhythm into my thighs
You send the pounding pulse inside
And my moans become the screams
That translate your melody
Into my harmony
Bridging the
Arch
That contorts my body to the beat of your drum

As the sweat pours over your beautiful face
As the sweet sap pours out of my place
My pleasure is so intense
As your tongue tastes the
Nectar that
Overflows
Engulfs
And immerses you in the pond of my pleasure

And as I talk to your body with my tongue
And take you into my mouth as I wait
For an eruption from my indulgence
To free your urgency
On my flesh
In my flesh
Swallowed
With the thirst that can only be satisfied by YOU


You grab my hips with the hands
That will pierce my flesh with pain
As you satisfy my craving
To be punished
Chastised
Overpowered
Asphyxiated
By the tempestuous passion that hurts so good


And then my screams surge to deafening clamor
And the intensity of your pulse accelerates into one beat
The slapping of our skins is muted
As the enchantment begins to
Suffocate
Intoxicate
Entrance
Our bodies into delectable satisfaction

You are inside me and you are inside me
I am around you and and I am through you
We are connected in physicality
Consummated in our love
Hypnotized
Mesmerized
Captivated
And entranced by the lust that will not be controlled.

Our fantasy is in our ecstasy
Our reality is a fantasy
Of the fusion of our lives
As we entangle our desires
Completely
Entirely
Savagely
In the beauty of our vicious eroticism.

Beat me with your deepest desires
Execute me from the inside out
Let me retaliate with my warmth
Let me wreak havoc with my hips
Molest me
Lick me
Punish me
FUCK ME into oblivious, pleasurable, suffocating SILENCE.



10/22/2008, MAH

Nothing Personal...

So again, I am in the dark...in silence...being ignored.

However, it's a lot more clear to me this time.

We've had conversations about past hurt...past relationships, just getting through and over the things that haunt you from your past.

I know where he's at. I remember how helpless I felt when I didn't know if my life was going this way or that, up or down. I rejected help and masked my own confusion and hurt with the illusion that I had it all together and I was FINE. There was nothing worse for me than thinking those exact people who had got me down were doing better than me and there was no way that I would let them see how much I was really suffering.

In hindsight, my over-reactiveness to my own situation should have shown how out of control I really was to anybody that truly cared. And those people that reveled in my misery, that got joy out of my pain-I learned how to weed them out and throw them away. It is a process.

In the midst, I am still always thinking of how he prides himself on being fair, nice, caring to those who have hurt him because I really have to wonder how it is that I can't get those same basic respects? I start to feel bad for the things that I couldn't do for him...but then I realize I didn't have to DO anything.

Does he appreciate who I am? Does he know the support and love that I have to offer?

I don't know.

He said I take things too personally, but this-I am not going to take personal. I have got to keep it moving because part of me thinks that his necessity to feel needed would be in me having a breakdown of sorts because I can't talk to him, because there is no communication.

I know him so much better than I sometimes think he knows himself. He claims to hate these games, but it is THE games that he still plays with those he wants to have control over that is hurting him now. That inner urge to want to know that you can control somebody by the emotions that they have for you because they have somehow hurt you in some way. The necessity to be needed without the knowledge of knowing that being needed by THOSE people is exactly what keeps you down.

I have felt TERRIBLE for getting my wallet stolen, being unable to provide for him as I said I could and SHOULD be able to...then I have to step back and realize that maybe these things are not going wrong because of ME-maybe it's his lesson.

So I'm stepping back-but I have got to continue to be the woman I am. A friend said "You are the woman he needs, but not the one he deserves".

He deserves everything he has coming to him, good and bad-that's out of my control.

All I have to offer is unconditional love, unwavering support, and a steadiness I'm not sure he is used to. It's his to have, but I can't force feed it down his throat. I let him know I am here and not going anywhere and that is all I can and will do.

Nothing personal.

Inaugural Address-Barack Obama 1/20/2009

My fellow citizens:
I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.
Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.
So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.
That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.
These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land -- a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.
On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.
On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.
We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.
In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted -- for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.
For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.
For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.
For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.
Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.
This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.
For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act -- not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.
Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions -- who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.
What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works -- whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account -- to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day -- because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.
Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control -- and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.
As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.
Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.
We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort -- even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.
For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.
To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.
To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.
As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment -- a moment that will define a generation -- it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.
For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.
Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.
This is the price and the promise of citizenship.
This is the source of our confidence -- the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.
This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed -- why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.
So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:
"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."
America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

America-United at Last

Moments ago, Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th and FIRST Black President of the United States of America.

"A hand raised, a nation lifted" is the caption on CNN.

Fitting.

My heart is so full it is hard to coherently place my thoughts together. First of all, God has moved. He has moved across a nation, across color lines, across hearts...across and through every barrier that ever presented itself.

This is a day that no person of any race ever thought would arrive. We hoped. In the back our minds, we hoped that one day something like this would happen-but all of us never thought we would live to see the day.

Today, as my heart is full...I thank every single person who fought to make this day possible. Every slave that got whipped without reprieve, without condolence, without justice-your wounds have been busted open today and the pain and hurt has been pushed away by victory.

For every person denied any human right because of the color of their skin, that hate today is pushed out by love. By hope. By the faith that you counted on and now you can SEE.

For everyone who has ever had a dream deemed impossible, today-you should feel unstoppable. You should feel like you have been set free to do whatever it is that you are supposed to do knowing that if it is your time, your place, your THING-God will move in an amazing way and make the impossible POSSIBLE and REAL.

The responsibility of being President is the most important job in this country...but we now stand up for a leader who looks us back firmly in the eyes and says that we are just as important. That showed us that every vote counts, every life matters, every prayer lifted him to where he is and looks back and says THANK YOU.

Behind him we stand strong. We stand confidently and dare any enemy to attack our UNITED STATES. We trust him to do what is almost impossible and he gained that trust from simply giving us hope. Showing us progress. And handing out faith by action and hope by love. Change is such a simple word, but it means more today than any words could ever give it justice.

Today I don't want to be just African American, I'm not just proud because I'm in the Democratic party...I am an American. I am an American that stood with my American brothers and sisters and demanded change, jumped head-first into progress, jump-started my faith into action and God has answered.

The 44th President has UNITED these states of America and the state OF America. And as he starts on this journey that shows no sign of being easy, even possible at all...I'm not worried. He has already done what we thought was the impossible once. And I am confident he will do it over and over again.

For anybody that needed for God to show himself, He has done it for you. And if you don't see him-then it's a YOU issue, not God's issue.

Thank you God for your grace, your continued mercy, and your eternal love.

Praise God.

We are lifted.

We are United.

At last.

My Formal De-Introduction

Miss B.C.,



You don't get the pleasure of actually reading this probably ever-but you will be used here on my blog as an example of what happens to all no-good jumpoffs, women with no sense, girls in desperate need of some kind of attention-for me and my fellow friends to laugh at you and place you where you need to be-back THERE.



Thank you SO MUCH for trying to formally introduce yourself to me on Facebook. Before I start, let me give you one word of advice-when you are trying to come off as being the "better person" you might try picking somebody you can be better than.



You know, because I've been exposed to your level of simplicity-I know where you expected this to go. You expected to send me a note with all kinds of information about MY man, with all kinds of facts you just knew I was going to just be appalled at and terribly upset. Well, much to YOUR dismay...I was absolutely amused. You see-when you have a real relationship with a real man there are no secrets between you. You actually lasted for a lot longer than the both of us had predicted for you in terms of you contacting me.



Seems to me that you think that you can make up facts, falsify stories, and play with people's lives. Then throw judgment at somebody and hide behind being a "Christian" so it doesn't seem so black and white. Well, B, everything is black and white. You just aren't grown enough to know that yet. You see, the things you tried to throw out about me to try to underhandedly demean who I am mean NOTHING to me. It is people like YOU that I thrive off of. It is people like you that remind me that there are still many trying to just be as good as me.

Now let me do you a favor, woman to woman. It is YOU that knew about ME. Do I know about you? Yes. Do I know what kind of person you are? Yes. Do I understand what kind of relationship the two of you had? Yes. Do you understand? NO.

Honey, you were a jumpoff. You were a jumpoff that was manipulated into looking like a girlfriend, but all the while, your actions, your life, just YOU show your true potential. Jump-off through and through. I won't even call you a whore, prostitute, or HO, because they all get paid for what they do. You gave your best jump-off community service. Offered all the benefits of a girlfriend while any man worth anything used you for that, but found a real woman of substance. Now you don't always have to be a jump-off. I believe we all have potential, but it seems to me that you like where you stand.

I'm not mad at you. I'd be just as foolish AS you for being upset WITH you. I do not THINK you tried to interfere with our relationship, I KNOW you have done everything you could think of to end it.

It takes two people to be stupid. I refuse to participate with you. You may continue to be an idiot all by yourself. I wish you the best, after all-you do have a son to live for. So remember THAT before you start sending childish notes about being a known jumpoff that got irresponsible with her business. You should never contact me or any woman LIKE me, because on your best day-you will NEVER be the woman I WAS in my worst hour.

Keep pushing-I look forward to always being the goal of who you wish to be.

Wishes do sometimes come true, but as long as I am me-you will ONLY be B.

Sorry.

Change...

In my own words...the worst thing you can ever do to anybody is to stop believing that they can change. The worst thing you can do to yourself is to stop trying.

I believe that for the most part I have given more people than I should the benefit of this doubt. Time and again, it is the people closest to me that show they aren't capable or they don't want to try.

Times have changed. There was a day when all that criticism would have hurt me, stayed with me, made me look down on myself...Sorry. Not anymore.

You can stand in my face and assume that I have done anything your little head can come up with. But I no longer cower down and try to explain why you are wrong about me. I don't care. I am human, I make human mistakes. And like all humans-I fix my mistakes and live with the consequences.

You can look down your nose at who I am, but no longer am I trying to stand up to who I'm trying to be. I know who I am, and if you can't see it, it is because you can not see past the flaws in yourself.

You can try to put me down, but no longer do I try to prove that I'm still on my way up. I won't be your scapegoat. I won't be the person you can always count on to look down and feel better about yourself. I won't give you the satisfaction of accepting defeat, because you can not defeat me. You would have to be stronger than me to do that-and not one of you has that. NOT ONE.

You can not make me who I am by what you think.

You can not make me who I am by what you think you KNOW.

You can not make me who I am by what you think you KNOW about ME.

And as long as you continue to think that I have not changed, it is really you that I have left behind because I never held you to any standard. I only apologized for not being all I could be when really-all I was doing was allowing you to control my opinion of my OWN SELF.

Whatever you see in me, you only recognize it because it is in YOU.

For as long as you try to put me down, that is as long as you are trying to still feel good about you.

I will not stop believing that you can change.

And I will not stop changing for your benefit. If you don't get better, that is on you.

If you don't try harder, that is on you.

If you don't change, that is YOUR choice-not my doing.

So to my mother,
father,
sister...

You can't put me down any longer because I'm not there for you to control.

The faults that you try to place on me are your own and then you beg for my patience, strength, and understanding to help you in your life. I give it freely without judgement, and I give you all love unselfishly wanting NOTHING from you in return. But-I refuse to be held back by a closed mind, a judgemental attitude, and your inability to see me for who I am because of your own insecurities.

I made my own choices, I suffered my own consequences.

And I have suffered ENOUGH.

You are my blood...but you don't possess the blood that gives me renewed life, renewed spirit, renewed faith.

You are my family...but I don't have to accept what you have to offer.

You are not my friends.

The changes keep coming in me...

What will you decide to do?


So I am sorry if you feel like I am being disagreeable in your eyes. In my eyes, you are being ridiculous.

I am sorry if you feel like I haven't done all the things I should have. In my shoes, you would have known the path that I have walked has not been easy-but I didn't stop. Not even when YOU gave up on me.

I am sorry if you don't agree with my ways. In my life, your ways will get me nowhere but to where you ARE. It's not my goal to be miserable. It's not my goal to be unhappy. It is not my goal to accept where I am and stay there.

So as I ascend on my upward path, I hope you will ascend up yours and not stand in the crossways of all that life has to offer you and sink in the quicksand of judgement of others and hate that fills you. Strong words for you? The truth is always a force to be reckoned with.

And it is not that I don't see your point of view...it is that I am so far past where you are it is impossible for me to care about your journey because then I can't get ahead in mine.

I know that this might be hard for you to understand because for many years, you've been able to stop me right in my tracks.

I'm not a follower, and I don't expect to be YOUR leader. But my life is mine. I am responsible for it, and I know that you don't want the burden of knowing you held me back.

Fortunately for you, you don't get that much credit from me. I forgive all of you, but I don't forget the pain inflicted on my heart because of the incompleteness in yours. Don't worry, I'm not mad about it, it has made me stronger. So thank you for my STRENGTH, and that is all the thanks you get from me.

Change will happen...

You can either get with it or let it pass you by.

I believe you CAN change.

Will you? Don't give up on yourself, I believe you can do it.

As for me, I will not ever stop trying to change for what I believe is better for me and my family...

MY family, not you.

And if you do not understand my words...it's okay.

You don't have to understand me...just know that I understand every simple thing about you.

Change.

It is what YOU need.

Not what I require. Unlike you, I accept you for who you are.

And I learn what NOT to be.

Change.

I'm still changing.

Don't focus on my change-concentrate on yours.

Change.

The love will never change-
but...
Can you change the love?

Change...