The Simplicity Detox

It's not that I haven't been writing...it's that I haven't taken the time to finish the entries that I've started. Sometimes when life is pushing you along, it's hard to take a moment to reflect on where you've been because you got here so fast!

Things have been good for me. The weight loss is going well, although it is now turning into more size loss and I have been getting a little aggravated with a pound or two gained, but I also started toning a lot more-so the solution is to stay off the scale and just stay focused!!

I'm running an impossible schedule right now. The boy has a full docket every DAY. Trying to manage that AND my life would seem to be unmanageable-but we don't speak that, we just do the impossible, thank God for the ability and keep it moving!

I feel so FREE. I've taken on the task of cleaning up the last of these debts that for so long I let anger me because they are not MINE, but from being taken advantage of in a relationship. And the more I learn about myself, about God, and about life-I realize that in some way these debts are mine-I WILL be responsible for the choices I make, and I will pay in one way or another. So, I have promised God and myself that I will pay for them. I went to a financial seminar so that I would be able assist in providing the classes at my church, but I was so blessed by the presentation. Confirmation from God that I am indeed on the right track, and from my calculations and Dave's plan, I should be debt free in about 10-14 months! YES!!

And, much to my own dismay-I have met somebody. I didn't plan for this to happen at all. In my own plan-I was going to be single for an undefined amount of time and just love on me for a while. Not that I don't know how to do it...I just enjoy being by myself. To me, I had learned so much from this relationship-I had gained so much MORE for myself. I'm not mad at him, I don't hate HIM, I just don't respect what he did or the person he showed me at ALL. But why would I be upset about that? I loved him the way you should love somebody you plan on spending the rest of your life with. I'm not sorry for any thing, any moment, any part of me that I gave him because I gave it in love. I did not give it without being able to truly give-I gave to him BECAUSE I am whole...and whatever he took from me-I am STILL whole. His exit from my life didn't change me, it made me realize how much better I am. I did ask God to make me the woman I needed to be for my husband, I did ask God to make me whole to be a good wife-and God showed me that he did that-and he also showed me that the husband I thought was mine was not for me at all. And I'm not mad. I am glad he showed me everything he did in order, and I am glad that if nothing else-God showed me that I should and CAN trust myself if I am trusting in HIM like I am supposed to. I'm thankful for that. There is nothing to be bitter about. I did not lose a thing that takes away from who I am. I lost 230 pounds of confusion, and I don't want it back.

Best Detox EVER. Thank you LORD for cleansing my soul.

However, this is not the simplicity detox I speak of.

I met the Mr. Sir through a mutual friend. We started chatting on Facebook (yes it's overtaking my life as well) and then it moved on to texting and phone conversation. We hit it off pretty much instantly. Because I am who I am, I thought maybe I just like him because I'm rebounding...I know myself better than that. I just learned that I could really trust myself, right? He doesn't live near me, so the only thing we can do is talk. I'm actually kind of glad, because when you get in someone's face-well at least when I do-if there is an attraction there, I'll act on it. Whether it be too soon or not, I'm grown. Doesn't matter. However, I've also made a vow that I was going to take better care of MY temple and act the way I am supposed to. So again, I am not perfect and definitely NOT a survivor of my own flesh-I'm glad he's long distance.

Over the phone, he seemed perfect. A man telling me things that makes it seem like he has sense doesn't mean to ME that he has good sense. It means he has good enough sense to say the things he should. Our conversations were deep. He had no fear to ask me the things he wanted to know, and I have nothing to hide-so his questions got answered. Now, I started talking to him like two weeks after the break up, but I have to tell you-there are no lingering feelings. I was just as done then as I am now. The issue was not that I still had feelings for my ex, just that I thought this might be happening way too soon. He is so different. With the ex, I would ALWAYS say he didn't care about what I did. And somehow, I let that be okay with me when it is so clearly NOT. So, now I had a man who would ask me about what I did and come back the next day asking questions after he had researched my company, projects I might be working on, things I might be interested in. Different. Being a scholar himself with a M.A. in Psychology, he challenged me to learn more about things I didn't know much about and I found we were going back and forth on an intellectual level that I really had only experienced with close friends or the peers I deem to be "as nerdy" as me. This was very refreshing!!

Somewhere along the way, naturally we started talking about meeting in person. We became friends very quickly. Conversation was easy...the thing that bothered me was that it was thoughts Mr. Sir that overtook thoughts of the ex, so in my mind-I was maybe just using one to get over the other. One day Mr. Sir posed the question "Do you think we will hit it off when we meet?" Of course! Why wouldn't he? He constantly had me laughing, always had me smiling, and I couldn't wait to talk to him more and more with every day just to see what he would be wanting to talk about next. He said, "Well you should be mines then". Being the person I am, I told him that if he ever asked that question in real life, he better NOT say "mines" and that I could not agree to that because we had never met. That's weird! So he said, okay-I'll be there next week. I was shocked! I told him my schedule is impossible and I'd be busy. And really-I might be ready to move on-but I told him there is NO WAY he could meet my son now. It's too early-too confusing. I already feel bad enough about bringing the ex into his life, PERIOD.

And then he opened up my mind to the simplicity I had been dealing with probably all my life and motivated me to do this detox.

His spiel went kind of like this:

OHHHHHHHHHHH, I see you are used to dealing with simple ass
minded negroes The kind that blow your back out 15 times
and in a month or so you are asking yourself "Where do we stand?", "What are we
doing?" because you never set any boundaries. Then you talk yourself into
thinking you have to know about him and he needs to know about you-and a S.A.N.
would use the things in your past to hold against you because his simple ass is
still trying to do what he wants to do. A REAL MAN could care less about
your damn past.

He went on to say:

I think you're an AMAZING woman and what you have been through in the past
makes you who YOU are, so at the end of the day I will just think MORE highly of
you if that's possible BECAUSE of what you've been through. A REAL
MAN knows enough to know-this woman is amazing-I know she's what I'm looking for
and I DARE NOT disrespect her and try to do any of these things we speak of
OUTSIDE of a relationship because I respect the woman that she is and she
deserves more than just to be a piece of ass.

I was absolutely speechless. And I was ten shades of stupid darker,
and ten pounds of clarity lighter...

And in my silence he continued on:

OR...maybe you're used to the S.A.N. that at some point agrees to be with you
but spends years trying to make sure there's nothing better out there, all the
while missing out on how the two of you could be growing together and missing
out on the little things about you everyday that he COULD be learning-but
instead uses simple ass excuses to make you feel bad about
YOURSELF. A REAL MAN doesn't need a time stipulation because a real
man knows enough about the simple bytches he's been with to know what he doesn't
want. Just like women, a man knows very quickly what his intentions
are with a certain woman or what they could be-just a real man acts on it NOW
rather than later realizing that if he hasn't found what he's looking for he's
REAL ENOUGH to let her go.

The only response I could utter is that it was just too soon. Somehow I thought this would end the open-handed slaps to my face that I had always known but never heard verbalized in my own reality.

And in response:

OHHHHHHHHHH...so you thought you found what you wanted in a man right? I
agree-so now that he messed up does that all change? Or, do you just
realize that what you thought you saw was what you wanted to see and instead of
handing out "it's okay to be simple" passes, you find a real man that doesn't
NEED a pass because he IS that man. So being alone for a certain period of
time will allow for you to find that man.

He said:

You're absolutely right...they hand out a timeline for when a woman is ready.

Can I plead the fifth here?? Can this guy SHUTUP? Or can he apologize for not saying out loud what I knew but needed to hear YEARS ago. I told him I was tired, wanted to get off the phone.

I didn't get off that easy.

Don't get mad at ME. I'm a real man. You're a smart,
educated, focused woman with goals-I guess I just assumed that you knew and were
smart enough to know that you deserve somebody that appreciates you for who you
are and wants nothing more than to explore your entire mind to find out
everything he can about you because you are just that special and you don't have
to do a thing for anybody to see that.

Maybe I'm too complex for you. Cause all those s.a.n.'s-I bet you
thought you knew them better than they knew themself. You felt like ya'll
were close and you "got him". How hard is it to understand someone
one step up from a single cell life form. Hell yeah you knew that
knukka...they read like Dr. Seuss!!

Then went on to ask if next week was too soon, because he wasn't trying to let me go. Then said:

Oh, wait-what are you waiting for me say...Aw girl...I don't have no money.
can you buy me a ticket? Or-my funds ain't right right now...let me
see what I can do. NOPE. I can come get in your face or you can
come get in mine-but we will be face to face. I might not be the
right man for you, but if I'm not I hope you find the GOOD REAL man that is
because if I don't deserve you, you definitely deserve a great man that matches
who YOU are. I don't want to take anything from you, I want us to be
able to add TO each other.

Later on at some point-his concern was that I had not necessarily told my son that things between me and the ex are over. My son is very in tune with me, and although I had not laid it out in black in white-I'm pretty sure he's aware of what happened.

Mr. Sir then asked me if the ex wanted children. I told him that he was very bitter about HIS ex having a baby by someone else, and that he had told me at one time that he would rather experience having a child with someone who was having their first child too. I then said "But that changed..."

He interrupted me and asked if I was serious. Asked a question that gets under my skin more than I had ever known "You're smart, right?" I was obviously offended and asked why the question?! He said that him taking that statement back was like somebody saying something when they're drunk, then saying they don't mean it when everybody knows they do!! He asked if for one second I thought that if I had another child if that child wouldn't take priority over mine. He asked how could I be serious about letting a S.A.N. with BABY ENVY raise my child. Mr. Sir made it very plain to me in the beginning that if my child was 5 or under he could not be bothered because he's not a fan of small children. He said that he would do much better with an older child, but wanting children to him doesn't mean having a brand new baby. He said if that is the situation he is in with me or ANY woman, he would want to not be viewed as "the mother's husband/boyfriend". He said he could not live in a situation where he was not being the best father he could be to the child of the woman he loved-that loving her would mean loving him, and being a father would mean being a father to that child FIRST before planning for any other.

Again...no words.

It's not that anything he said is not what us "girls" have been telling each other for years after we get through our own experiences. Why it was so different to hear it from a man, I don't know. Or maybe, it was just the right time for me to receive it. This man didn't know as much about me as others and could stand up and say I'm amazing and is willing to bet that what I've been through has made me who I am. It's what I've been screaming from the inside out to deaf ears for so many years. It made him seem too good to be true. It made me mad instead of being flattered that somebody held me in such high regard. It made me realize that I've been ingesting a whole LOT of simple for way too long and it was time to let it GO.

So, to my relief, I had already detoxed the SIMPLENESS out of my life, but in retrospect it made me sick to realize how much of it I had taken. It's all done now. I am who I am because of what I've been through.

I have promised myself to not let simple rules RULE my life and to let life flow as it comes. Knowing that in tough times I will be strong, that in good times I will be thankful, and in all times I will remain faithful.

I don't know where things will go, but I'm not going to try to plan it, I'm going to let go and see where it takes me. I'm going to stop looking back and trying to remember when I enjoyed the ride and start enjoying the ride and just holding on when it gets bumpy.

I'm going to stop settling for people who think I need to prove myself to them and know that people of a like mind, and a likeNESS to who I am will see it without being told.

I'm going to detox the simplicity of other people out of my life and never let it back in. Much like dieting, it's a lifestyle change.

Simplicity Detox...The only miracle diet where you gain so much with the loss of what ends up really being so little.

Moving UP

I had an interesting weekend, to say the least. I'm in a good place right now. I really am. I really thank God for this clarity that I have. I feel so blessed for everything he has put me through in order to show me how blessed I really am.

I had the pleasure of meeting a young girl on Friday night. I'm not easily moved or shocked by things that people have to say about their life, but this girl's story punched me in the heart like never before. She is nineteen years old, married with a two year old son. She is a military wife. She is a recovering addict. She is a victim, struggling to be a survivor. Abandoned at age 14 by her father, handed her social security card and birth certificate and told "Good Luck". She was homeless for years. She talked about how she stole food to eat, how she sold things to have a place to stay or sleep, how she survived hypothermia and managed to stay alive while sleeping in parks, under bridges, anywhere she could find. And as if being abandoned by her father wasn't enough, her mother also abandoned her in the desert of California with a newborn baby, her first child. She talked about how she was coming off of the drugs and probably wasn't far from people but was scared to lose her baby and not in her right mind. She got teary eyed as she explained how she would try to feed the baby and keep it alive-until she realized that the child had died in her arms.

She went back to her hometown and found a friend who's family took her in. She is a talented artist and poet, but doesn't have the confidence to pursue those interests anymore since her father, an artist and illustrator, told her everything she did was terrible. She said "I just want to put my past into a box and put it away, and never open it again. I'm trying to move on."

Her words don't seem that moving-but it hurt me that she said that, and something moved inside of me. I said "But it's who you are. All those things are what make you who you are. It's not part of your weakness, it's the foundation for all of your strength!" And I was moved again-because those words didn't come from me. As they came out of my mouth, the power of those words touched me too. And I realized quickly it was NOT me, it was the CHRIST that is IN me. Now, I am convicted about my own faith and have no problem expressing my beliefs...but I'm not really big on telling people how to have that conviction in their own walk. Who am I? But knowing that he was with me, I asked her "Do you pray?" She looked away. She said she was trying to get all her emotions out by talking to the therapists that are assigned to her in the program she is currently completing to stay clean and to keep custody of her child. I asked her again "Do you pray?". She said "I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. You can't believe the things I've done. I'm ashamed to even tell you or anybody...I believe God has a purpose for my life because as many times as I've overdosed, or had alcohol poisoning, or almost been raped or killed...I shouldn't be here. I can't pray. God has done too much for me."

Her green eyes searched me for a moment of shock, judgment, disbelief...something. But I was not shocked, I had no judgment about her, and I didn't doubt a thing she said. Without even flinching, without even blinking, without even wavering I said to her, "God has blessed you. He is going to continue to bless you. He loves you, and all he wants you to do is believe that he will take care of you."

Her green eyes searched me still, but now inquisitively-not challenging me. I said, "Although your story is sad, you are not the only person that has gone through the things you have gone through. It's hard because it is YOU. If God didn't love you, if he didn't know YOUR heart-he would have left you a long time ago."

She told me that she tries to open up and express her feelings, but it is hard because she has trust issues. She said that she can't talk to the therapists because she feels like they are only there because they have to be. And I shared with her the positive side of that. That she doesn't HAVE to worry about what they think of her, that they are there to explain her feelings without anything personal invested. That them HAVING to be there should make her feel better about opening up to them, because they expect nothing in return. Just for you to make YOURSELF better. She hadn't thought of it this way, I could see it in her eyes.

She said that she doesn't want to keep her parents away from her child, because she wants them to know him. She said they are both clean, but she has anger and trust issues with them still. I was amazed at her courage. To be treated like that by both parents, I had assumed they were no longer in contact with each other. I told her I could not imagine being that brave or that strong. I told her that her willingness to believe that they have changed and give them a second chance shows she is much further along in her progress than she gives herself credit for. And with all people in our life that we have issues with, we have a right to tell them how they have hurt us. We just have to be realistic about what our expectations are about how they react. I told her she has a right to tell them how she feels, but one of two things will happen. One, they will not realize the ways in which they have hurt you. This will start a new process with them where they will have questions too. Or two, they just won't see it your way-and to them nothing needs to change. In both situations, you have to be prepared for that person to also tell YOU how you have hurt them-and your reaction will be the same of the two options. But then after that-we have to let it go, and not move ON, but move UPWARD.

As the words were coming out of my mouth, I was holding back tears. I was so full, so happy that God was using me as his vessel. These words were not my words, because as they came out of my mouth they touched my heart too. I told her that too often we give people so much of our energy because of the position that they play in our lives. That too often we allow ourselves to be persecuted because we have told ourselves that that person has a right to make us feel that way. Too often we care so much about the judgments that other people make on us, when in reality-as long as we are still being blessed-we know that yes, our God will hold us accountable but even in the midst of our judgment-he is blessing us anyhow. We can not expect people to be this good to us, so why do we try? Why do we try to just move on with the burdens that are unnecessarily placed on us by other people still drag behind us and slow our progress. Why is that we are only trying to move on at the same level that we've been, instead of moving UPWARD? Why is it that when God shows us plainly what the unnecessary burdens are in our life, we continuously try to bear them instead of handing them to God and letting HIM handle his own children so that we can move UPWARD?

And as I said this to her, I had a picture in my head. Unloading a bag of hurt; unloading a bag of unnecessary reflection of the things that hurt me; unloading the people that have shown me that they don't deserve my time, love, attention, or affection; unloading all the things in my past that weigh me down, but allowing the blessings that came out in the midst, the strength that I gained, the endurance that I showed, and the love that I still have to get under my feet and lift me up instead of carrying it on my shoulders and letting it weigh me down.

And in my picture, as I moved upward I kept telling myself "Don't look down". I can't look down. If I have in fact left anything or anyone beneath me, I don't have to look down. God will raise them UP. And as I look around at the people in my life who are around me now, I see that they didn't look down for me...they just extended an arm and lifted me up when I needed it most. Because God had already raised me up, but I let the cares of this world and what I thought were the problems of my life weigh me down unnecessarily.

And just for confirmation, the message Sunday came from 1 Corinthians 10: 11-13.

11These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come. 12So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! 13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.


How many times did I feel like I had been through things to help somebody? How many times did I say "I know what you're going through, I've been there!"?? And I was right. God put's people in our lives to show us that we aren't going through anything that hasn't already tempted somebody else. It is just up to us to see that as a blessing and unload that burden and move upward...or try to unnecessarily carry it and move on wth no progress and the only thing to show is the scars from the same burdens you choose to carry and not let go of.

I think it's my mind telling me I should still be hurt by what has happened. But I'm not. I didn't do anything wrong. And if I truly left something that God had in store for me, he certainly doesn't want me to wait around for it-because that time I spend trying to figure out why I have lost something is time taken away from Thanking GOD for all he has blessed me with! He has bigger plans for me. And while I try my best to just rise UP to do what God has for me to do, the things that I need he will rise them up to meet me where I'm at.

I have got to move up.

No looking down.

I am moving up.

Thank you, God.

Meeting Me Again...

I don't know if we ever stop and think about how powerful our minds really are. By measure, we know what we are capable of by the things we do, the things we have achieved, the things we aspire for. But that is the power of our brain. The power of our mind often takes us outside of ourselves and we let it somehow become the controlling factor in our opinion of ourself.

As of late, my problems have seemed so small. I have life, health, and my strength. Beyond that, who I am to ask for anything more? Only by God's grace and mercy am I blessed with the things that I don't deserve, but he gives them to me anyhow IN SPITE OF who I am. I have lost somebody out of my life-but not by death. By God showing me what I knew all along. And all this hurt around me, REAL hurt, REAL LOSS has made me feel so small. So selfish for feeling sorry for myself. So simple for letting my mind take power over my self worth.

But isn't it amazing how our true friends, and even friends we didn't know were in our corner don't let OUR mind overpower them?

I have been overwhelmed by the love and support from near and far. I have been so touched by the words of encouragement, the offers of support, the reassurance of who I AM from people that love me. Although my mind was working overtime and allowing me to be angry, hurt, sad, mad, and desperately searching my soul for the answers from the past that could help me in the present-the person that I AM wouldn't allow those people to watch me fail.

Is it sad that I had to be reminded how strong I am? Is it sad that I had to pull from other people's words, wisdom, and encouragement to get through each day? Or is it assurance for ME that I have surrounded myself by people who love me? Is it a sign for me to not allow one person who didn't appreciate me overshadow all the people who do? Is it a lesson for me to love those that are giving it back to me and not waste it on the people that don't know what to do with it?

Is it that these people have seen who I am, know how I've changed, and feel for what I'm going through ENOUGH that when I get down on myself, they re-introduce me to ME? Is it that I have been so richly blessed that even though my mind tells me I am being punished, God is still showing me the blessings around me and just waiting for me to see them? Is it that the people who are not around me shouldn't be, the people that leave from being with me are gone, and these people that love me stay with me to reassure my heart, my soul, and MY MIND that I really am who I thought I was, will continue to be who I dare to be, and will stand with me always, and pick me up when I fall?

All the little gems of advice that you thought you knew all along-but sure brightened up your day when it was handed back to you. What a blessing!

Today-I can't even really say that I'm still hurting. I guess to think about IT still hurts, but why think about it? I'm still here. Better than EVER. I didn't cheat, I didn't lie-I can still be proud of me for the woman that I learned that I am. I am still proud of what I accomplished. I still am a good woman-I just didn't find a GOOD man. And should I be sad? Or should I be thankful that he showed me who he was long before I got sucked into the miserable existence that is the life that he chooses to lead?

Today-I am better. I'm here. I am CLEAR. There is nothing in front of me, in back of me, around me, or through me that casts a shadow of any doubt on who I am. I don't have to lie, I don't have to hurt people, I don't have to hide inside myself in order to look at myself in the mirror. I have treated others the way I want to be treated...and even if they didn't give that back to me, I hope what I gave to THEM is the assurance that there is somebody out there that will love them with no conditions, no expectations, no judgement.

I stand strong. I made it through. I may have been hurt, but better to love and have lost than never to have loved at all. I loved somebody who didn't know how to be loved. That' s not my loss. I gave freely without expecting anything in return. That's not my loss.

I am who I am, but I just forgot who I was.

Nice to meet me again.
Nice to be me again.

It's nice to know that no matter what my mind says, I will not be allowed to be forgotten.

Hi Monica-glad you're back.

Settling is for Pilgrims

Undoubtedly, I have been emotionally drained with the events in my personal life as of late. This break up has taken more out of me than I'd like to admit. I'm not sure that it gets easier, I believe it is just that in hindsight more things become clear to me which pave the way to me attaining the highest levels of pissed off-ness when I realize the bull crap I settled for.

Now, one of the things that I discussed in one of my earlier posts was how I basically crossed some folks off of my friends list because they happened to be ex-boyfriends and my then BOYfriend was not comfortable with those friendships. Some of them, I do honestly feel bad about not talking to them anymore. And their level of friendship to ME has been apparent in the way they have supported me and been there for me during this time AS friends.

So I thought.

I mean yes, there are friendships there. But I have learned a couple things about them and about me.

First of all, I was an asshole. I mean straight up-no holds barred, surprised I didn't get slapped-ASSHOLE. I've had to lay down some real deal apologies for the way I used to be. Although I don't want to...let me just lay out some transcripts of chat/text. I'll explain the context later.


Him: You said you were not ever going to get married. What happened?
Me: Things change. I fell in love.
Him: There wasn't love between us?
Me: Are you serious? I mean, it was completely physical. Don't play
Him: Physical to who?
Me: What else did we do?
Him: Who's choice was that?
Me: Are we really playing this game right now? I shouldn't have asked you anything
Him: I just don't understand you right now. This is not the Monica I know. When did you start letting a n!gg@ bring you down and get the best of you. That's not the Monica I know. Get your head up
Me: This is different for me too. But thank you for your encouragement
Him: You never needed encouragement before! Just cause your dram n!gg@ turned out to be a BITCH n!gg@ doesn't mean you should feel bad. His ass is stupid. You didn't do anything wrong.
Me: Really? Cause I think I'm the one alone and he's the one living it up with some married chick.
Him: I don't even know that dude, but I can tell you you were too much for him to handle. N!gg@s got faithful problems. You are a confident woman and can't nobody tell you shit. That's hard for a simple ass mind to handle. You are not the jealous type, you don't trip about hardly nothing, and you don't need nobody for shit. Some people like to feel needed. You don't believe in that. Don't you say all the time, it's not healthy to need somebody?
Me: Yep.
Him: Ok then. All the chicks you showed me that he dealt with and even this new chick-you can look at them and tell they got insecurity issues. So a n!gg@ with faithful problems and a ho with insecurity issues. Perfect match. He ain't for you. Don't know what to do with you. Probably not that many men do. Shit, I didn't.
Me: Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Him: Being with him going to make you feel better.
Me: Not at all. I love him, but I have supported that man like I already WAS his wife, he wants somebody else's wife
Him: OK then.
Him: You loved him?
Me: No I love him. That's not going to change over night. I just know what I won't accept. How many times do you have to get cheated on before you get tired of it? Hell, I'm tired of it! I know I've forgiven a lot worse than this-but I won't settle for that crap ever again.
Him: So you'll never take him back
Me: Not the way he is now, no.
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Everybody and Anybody can change. He wants to get his life right, I respect that.
Him: You think I have changed?
Me: I think you could change if you wanted to
Him: So I haven't changed?
Me: have you?
Him: In some ways. One thing hasnt changed
Him: I still love you
Him: Hello?
Me: yeah
Him: You don't have anything to say?
Me: Um...no.
Him: So there's no feelings between us
Me: I told you, I felt bad for just ignoring you. I mean, we are friends right?
Him: You never saw a future for us?
Me: Are you serious right now?
Him: Yes
Me: Honestly, No. We both did what we wanted to do. You STILL do what you want to do. That's fine. That's what you do. That's what you've always done.
Him: You are something else
Me: So I've been told
Him: No for real. your an asshole
Me: WOW. Takes a great one to know a good one
Him: I'm being serious
Him: You sitting up crying over some bitch ass who couldn't appreciate a good woman and isn't man enough to handle a woman willing to support his sorry ass while he tried to make something of himself. You sit up here and tell me that he's changing his life and if he does that you would take him back. But I got to be the same n!gga@ I always been? I always loved you. I always will. I didn't propose to you because I thought that shit was fun. I wanted to marry you. I can provide a fuckin life for you. I can support YOU. I want to give you everything you want. and how many times did I propose. You never thought I was serious.
Me: The first time you "proposed" your ass was married. The second time...you were drunk
Him: I ain't never been that fuckin drunk. What about the other times
Me: What other times?
Him: you serious?
Me: Are you? How did we even get here? I'm not trying to rehash this out with you. It was what it WAS. Nothing more, maybe less!
Him: So you didn't love me
Me: Um...in a dysfunctional kind of way I did.
Him: Wow
Me: How did you figure you wanted to marry me? You don't know shit about me, really. I mean let's be real since you want to get nasty about it.
Him: I do know about you. Because I cared enough to pay attention. If I asked you you always aid you know I don't like to be questioned right. you remember that
Me: Um...well, sounds like something I would say.
Him: And how many times were we at a masonic function and I'd try to talk to you in front of your dad and the other pm's and all them after I had told them about my girl and you walked right past me like you didnt know me. thats some fucked up shit Monica for real
Me: I was not ever your girlfriend.
Him: That's what you say
Me: Um, okay
Me: How many other girlfriends did you have?
Him: We always have to come back to that shit huh?
Me: That's how it was
Him: When I left it was
Me: Ok
Him: What about when I left. Did you ask me to stay? NO you told me it was better so you could move on. But I guess what we had was just physical to you right?
Me: Well, it sounds ugly when you say it like that-but don't pretend that's not what it was
Him: That's what it was to you, I'd take you any way I could get you
Me: That's stupid
Him: Why?
Me: Why would you take what you could get and not ask for what you wanted?
Him: Oh I'm stupid but that's the same shit you been doing for all these years with this little bitch ass running after a dream and not doing shit for you
Me: He's not running after a dream, he will make it
Him: You STILL taking up for this punk
Me: Um-seriously does he have to be all those names. I'm not happy with him...but it doesn't mean I believe in what he's doing any less. I'm not sorry for what I did for him because I did it because I love him and didn't expect nor will I ever expect anything in return. However, lying to me and cheating on me is not something I will ever again be ok with. It doesn't make him a bad person, he messed up. I will forgive him-I just don't right now and that forgiveness doesn't mean I'll take him back.
Him: You forgive him and you still supporting his ass but he ain't thinking about you. If he cared he couldn't have done this shit to you
Me: Ok, that's what you believe that's fine
Him: And how come I can't have a chance like that?
Me: We just weren't like that
Him: Why can't we be?
Me: what?
Him: I never did anything like that to you. Why can't I have a second chance.
Me: You want a second chance?
Him: Yes
Me: Are you serious right now?
Him: Why not? I don't want you to hurt.
Me: You gonna love me out of the hurt?
Him: I want to try
Me: Um...I hope you are kidding. I hope you are not serious right now
Him: why?
Me: I have told you, been telling you that YES I am hurt-but I love that man! It's not going to go away over night! I'm not sitting around waiting for him, but I do not play with people's emotions like that. Why would I move on with you? And WHY would you accept that
Him: If I could have you, I don't care
Me: Listen, I am not, nor should any person EVER be special enough for you to settle for some bullshit.
Him: You settled with him
Me: EXACTLY! See how that turned out?!
Him: So?


And I will end it there. I copied and pasted this right from my archive...just substituting the "him" and "me". This conversation left me dumbfounded. I mean REALLY.

First of all...it's not a nice feeling for somebody to point out how ugly you have acted. I'm not proud that I basically used somebody for his body. I'm also not real fond of the fact that he felt a certain way, and for all these years I had convinced myself it was only physical to find out that that was my choice and my doing. We had had other conversations where things like this came out-and I had to really apologize for hurting him. I mean, I knew how to play the game. Now, I really did care about him and at some point maybe thought I wanted more, but based on how the relationship started (he was going through a divorce...but still married in my book) I never felt like I could trust him. Hmmm...sounds like a familiar situation in somebody ELSE'S life, eh?

The part that really puzzles me was the idea that now was a good time for us to try to get together? Now, this man has laid down some good thoughts for me on why Anthony has done what he has done...and I'm not stupid...I know he's not an impartial source, but he knows more about me and how I am. A lot of the things he has said have made sense to me, and I know that he's probably not 100% correct, but it has given me some things to think about. This is a well put together man with an established career, doing very well for himself. So why on EARTH would you put yourself into a situation where you already know the other person is not in it?

Because you love them.

All those guilty? AYE!

I realize this is the SAME thing I did with A/S. When we got back together, he was just getting out of a relationship. And I kept telling him over and over again, you are NOT over her. I knew he didn't want to get back with her, but I kept telling him he needed to resolve that anger or it would stay with him until he started recognizing things about other people that DON'T exist just because he had not resolved those feelings.

I guess if I was simple, I would be flattered. I'm not.

People do that because they are selfish. Because they want somebody to love them when they can't love themself because they think it will help them come around. NOBODY loves me like I love me. NOBODY deserves MY love more than me.

I love him and what he did hurts. ABSOLUTELY. But I am so much more than just somebody's girlfriend/future wife. One time he told me he felt like he was stopping me from doing what I wanted to do, then it was I had already done everything I wanted to do. And I corrected him everytime. Nobody can stop me but ME, and even when I've done what I wanted to do...I still have plans to move onward and upward!!

Why do people settle? Because they want to. More and more that seems to be the answer to many of lifes questions. We all want what we want, but it seems we are scared to go after what we deserve.

I think that man is a phenomenal man. I think he knows a lot more than I ever gave him credit for, and I have a lot to learn from him now that I have opened my eyes to see him for who he really is and what he has to offer. But all that I can offer him is friendship and he honestly shouldn't be willing to settle for less than he deserves.

Selfishly, I could take his affection and companionship to make myself feel better. People do it all the time, but that is SO not me. The day I start needing somebody else besides JESUS to help me feel better, is the day I need to stand in the mirror a moment longer and figure out what to do with myself, for myself, and about myself.

Settling is for pilgrims.

The only pilgrimage anybody should take is the journey to find a better self. That settlement should be alone.

Settling is for pilgrims.

So for all the people coming with covered wagons full of issues and past hurt...I'll have to wave them on to a different land.

I'm not a pilgrim.
No more settling.

One Victim-No Voice

Until about two years ago, domestic violence matters didn't seem that pressing to me. In most situations, it seemed like it was just a formal charge given to dysfunctional relationships. Charges, in many cases, dropped because somewhere along the line somebody would say sorry at the right time and all was well in the world again. And, although I felt for battered woman, I never understood their mentality or state of mind. Seems simple to me-you go upside MY head, I'm not going down without a fight. And the charges will NOT be dropped, you WILL go to jail. But a domestic violence charge doesn't carry too much time nor weight.

I was always aware that there were some women who felt trapped. Felt like they had nowhere to go. The emotional controlled the physical. Now, I understand emotional abuse. I stayed in a relationship for almost 6 years because that man told me that everything I had experienced in my life left me unworthy of anybody else BUT HIM. That led me to believe that I was not in fact a SURVIVOR of my circumstances, that I was actually tainted. That I was LUCKY to have him because he was the only one that understood and would accept me. He was the first person that I actually confided in about being molested for 9 years of my childhood, being a rape victim twice before I was even 12, and three times after that. The last attempted incident-my freshmen year of college which brought all the anger, all the hurt, all the feelings out-and he was there. And he acted supportive, but instead used it all against me to convince me that nobody would understand me. He was the first person I told everything to-so how could I tell anybody else? How could I confide in ANYBODY without thinking they would assume the same things he did. And then, in my mind-I was lucky to have him. He accepted me.

It was really in my college years that I acted out. I went from not trusting anybody-to trusting everybody. Notice I said that the last event in college was an ATTEMPT. I did not get raped, but the fact that somebody would try left me in a very weak state of mind. I got myself into situations that I would have never been in before. I let people take advantage of my trust because I wanted to believe in people. And when things came tumbling down around me, people turned their backs on me. The people that had got me in the MOST trouble were no where to be found and left with no blame. So, this was a pivotal point in my life. I felt like no matter what-I was not going to be happy. That no matter what I did, people were going to take advantage of me. That no matter what-I could make nobody happy and I decided the best course of action was for me to attempt to take my own life.

I planned it meticulously. I knew exactly what to take and used alcohol as an accelerant for the pills I took so that it would happen quickly. And as I laid on the floor and listened to my heart stop beating, I asked God to bless the people around me and to have his way. I called my sister, just to talk to her. Because of the amount of pills I took, I couldn't control the blurred speech or lack of coherence in my words. She asked what was wrong, and I told her I was dying. Only by the grace of God was she able to figure out a phone number I incorrectly gave her and sent somebody to come get me. They arrived to get me probably two hours after I had taken those pills. I should have been dead. I was sleeping when they came and I woke up. I stayed alert on the way to the hospital. The tylenol levels in my body were so high they were concerned my liver would be damaged, and my heart rate was irregular. Since I was conscious, they decided the best thing to do was pump my stomach. Now, listen-if you want somebody to stop drinking heavily, stop doing drugs, stop putting whatever into their body-get their stomach pumped. It will change their attitude on life!

A suicide attempt is not only hard on the person, it destroys your family and friends. Most of the time, there are signs there. Many times there are not. I started seeing a therapist, and honestly...I didn't tell that dude a damn thing about what was going on in my life. I still didn't trust anybody to accept me for who I was after everything I had been through. I suppressed it all AGAIN. I knew the reasons I acted out. I knew the things in my life that hurt me the most, but I kept it inside. I went and saw that guy for 30 minutes every week, and knew that when he looked at his watch I had five minutes left. It's just what I had to do to get on with my life.

For me, dealing with the things I had been through was entirely spiritual. Realizing that I had put my trust everywhere BUT with God. It came to me in struggling with my life and always asking God WHY I had to go through whatever I did and somewhere along the way I would say "God, I know you're going to bless me after this storm. Just help me get through it". And in teaching and starting to study my bible more realized that the storm WAS my blessing, and in waiting for it to be over I wasn't giving God credit for the ways in which he had been blessing me all along.

Not until then could I look at what I had been through and stop being angry about it. I had to stop being angry at people for not protecting me. I had to stop being angry at people for hurting me. I had to start loving myself for the person I was. I had to realize that although painful things happened to me, the hurt that I went through was directly proportional to the strength that I had to get through it. So I decided to stop hiding from myself. I decided that what I had been through is completely in vain if I can not learn, grow, and do everything in my power to help anybody out there feeling like I had. IF nothing else, to give them hope and let them know that they are NOT alone.

In my work with people, I have found that many people struggle with the same things I had struggled with. I found that although I had made some bad decisions, I had not done anything so unspeakable that I couldn't recover from it. I healed. I realized that the only person that could make me a victim is ME. As a victim, you choose to not have a voice. I am not a victim, I am a survivor of my circumstance-a living testimony that God will never leave you, he will never forsake you, and that everything that happened did happen in HIS will and he brought me out of it. This healing took many years. People don't expect you to talk openly about molestation, rape, suicide, emotional abuse, and mental instability.

So, I know for myself how destructive it is to hold things in because if you don't deal with them you still act out. I never would have compared myself or my situation to that of a domestic violence victim/survivor but I have come to learn that tramautic events invoke the same feelings within all of us-the defining factor is how we handle it outwardly.

Domestic Violence has a stigma behind it. We don't like it, but in most situations we position ourselves in the opinion that there is really nothing we can do about it. Most of the time, we think we can spot people in a bad situation-until something happens that exposes it to us. What we fail to think about is what chain of events, for both parties, that led to the event that exposed the volatility of the situation.

Many people now are speculating on the motives behind the Chris Brown/Rihanna incident. Many women are appalled that she would take him back and want her to know this is not the last time. But how do we know it is the first? He claims to have witnessed his mother being abused, so many people want to blame this on those events and label this as a perpetual cycle. Instead of thinking about the actions that he witnessed, how come nobody is asking what consequences he witnessed??

Abuse has perpetuated itself in our society over and over again. Whether it be that we don't teach our children about healthy body limits or boundaries, or we teach and don't SHOW the same things we say. Whether it be that we witnessed abuse and saw that there were no consequences so we are either scared to speak up, or not afraid of being punished. Domestic Violence situations seem to be different.

Like many, I never went to the police or anybody about what was happening to me. Mostly because I was being abused my boys not that much older than me, and this was not something we were taught about. We were taught that grown ups shouldn't touch us inappropriately-I didn't know how to process the situation I was in. However, if my situation had been brought to light-there would have been a prosecution regardless of what my position was. If a man rapes a woman and accused of rape, regardless of what she says-that man can still be prosecuted. In domestic violence situations, why is it so easy for a woman to drop that restraining order? Why is it so easy for them to allow a woman to speak on the man's behalf? It seems to me that if somebody has been convicted of rape, or molestation-we see that person as a criminal. If there is a domestic violence charge-many people assume they just don't know all the circumstances. And in the case that person is back WITH the person, that conviction bears no burden at all.

Until June 28, 2007-I didn't really understand how serious domestic violence really was. It was on this day that Kesha Tann was murdered. She attended my church. A quiet, but hard working woman. Single mother of two well rounded girls. She had a long term relationship with Freddie Mayes-a DEACON at our church. Before this day, you couldn't have said a bad thing to me about Freddie Mayes. He was an excellent role model to the young men in our church-often organizing and facilitating events for our young men to be more responsible and have positive role models. He cooked for the homeless on Saturdays. He was a funny, upbeat person that always had a smile and a hug for you. Always.

One Sunday, he stood up in church and said he was going through some things. To pray for him, really pray. And in hindsight, what we all realize now is that it was a cry for help. His fellow deacons were taking turns visiting him, making sure he was okay, and it was apparent that he was not dealing well with the break up of his relationship with Kesha.

On June 28-He killed her.
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4191/is_20070628/ai_n19344012

This event changed my life. I realized what can actually happen when you don't know what kind of emotions somebody has on the inside of them. I realized that just like I had held all the feelings in and acted out-everybody is capable. In whatever way they justify to themself.

During this whole ordeal, I couldn't fathom that we were in the presence of a cold blooded killer. I didn't know what to tell my son when he asked why Mr. Freddie took away somebody's mom. I kept telling myself that he had had some kind of breakdown, and that he would be sorry for what he did. I kept telling myself I would not judge him, because God was going to deal with him-but I was sure he would be sorry. That remorse never came. And even as he was sentenced to life in prison, he still has no remorse for taking her life.

The domestic violence issue has become near to my heart because of this. See, Kesha Tann was a domestic violence survivor. She got out of a relationship she knew was not headed in the right direction. But she was murdered because of it. Did she know he was capable of murder? She was scared of what he might do and called the police to report it, but she was unable to get an emergency restraining order because he had not physically done anything to her. So does it have to come down to violence? How come nobody is complaining about the lack of resources BEFORE somebody does get physical? How come the emotional violence is not enough?

So when a woman, OR MAN (http://www.batteredmen.com/) goes back to a relationship that we all see as doomed...I wonder what they have been through emotionally before they got to this point. I wonder how many times they thought the only way to live, was to stay with this person. I wonder how many times they allow themself to fall back in love with the person all the while telling them self that if they do the right thing, the other person won't do "it" again. I wonder why we are charging men with assault, menacing, or harassment instead of attempted murder. And I really wonder how many times a judge is going to have to sentence a murderer with domestic violence on his/her rap sheet before somebody realizes that the biggest problem with the cycle is that we are not doing anything to stop it.

I don't claim to know Rihanna or any other person's reasons for going back. I'll never stop believing that people can change and not go back to the ways they have exhibited. I will always believe that God can step into any situation and change it forever.

I can only share my story about emotional imprisonment. I can only share my experiences in knowing what it's like to be trapped in your own self. I can only tell people that they don't have to be like Kesha and the many other women I have had the opportunity to share my time with. I can only tell every person that if they choose to be a victim-they choose to not have a voice.

For every victim, there IS a survivor. For every survivor there is a voice. For every voice there are countless stories. Hopefully those stories save another victim.

All we can do is hope.

All we can do is pray.

All we can do is listen to the voice-and find the ones that don't think they deserve to be heard.

Never Again...

You know, my personal motto is to EVERYDAY be better than I was the day before. So instead of being pissed, sad, or overly emotional-I guess I'm going to have to take this situation and be thankful for all the things I continue to learn about myself. Deeper understanding can only lead to better things, right?

So, I've stopped trying to understand his actions. I've stopped trying to NOT be mad at him. I've stopped trying to still give him some kind of credit for the man I thought he was. That man would still be with me. So, I've had some time to think about the things that I won't do again. EVER.

I admit that in my past-I haven't had a lot of definitive relationships that people would deem normal. The relationship consisted of me getting what I wanted and that's it. I had no problem with that. I had no use for having to answer to anybody, for having to spend unreasonable amounts of time with anybody, for trying to make it more than it was. I had no desire to be called before 10 pm. I had no desire to hang out with friends and family. My only desire was to be left alone and then available when I requested. Now along with this, I gave up little to NO information about myself. For what? I wasn't trying to make any meaningful connections. Now listen, I know you may read this in complete amazement at how trifling I was. YES TRIFLING. Nobody can tell you better about the things I have done than me, and I never intend to be anything but real ABOUT ME. I hated being questioned. I hated having to pretend to care about somebody else's life-because I had enough going on on my own.

I wouldn't even call the relationship with my son's father anything close to functional. I know that people looked at me and thought I was being so silly. That he was doing what he wanted to do and I was turning away from the truth. No...for the people that really know me, they know the truth IS that we were the same. To this day, you could never get him to believe that. You could never tell him that even TODAY I don't still think the sun rises and sets in him. I just didn't get caught. Yes, for periods of time I was faithful. But everytime he cheated on me, he got cheated on. I just never got caught. I never expected to get pregnant, but when I did I think he thought he was ready for a child and marriage. And coming from a home where my parents are STILL married, I figured the right thing to do was to get married for the child's sake. The only thing that you could definitely say about the relationship is that it was dysfunctional and lasted for a long period of time. It wasn't a good situation for me. I lost a lot of things, but the best thing I learned was what I would NEVER settle for. I don't have any hard feelings towards him, because I always kind of felt like whatever I got-somehow I deserved it. The best thing I ever did was walk away from that relationship-and somehow he still hates me for that today, and even more for the fact that I don't care. Now the stupidity after I left him-well that's for another day. :-)

So anyway, when you have "acquaintances" like I did, it's not like you ever officially break anything off. I mean, these men were trained to not call me in the first place. After time went on, yes they would check in from time to time. They might get me to go out to dinner. And in a couple cases, I thought I might actually want to spend more time so there was more interaction. Telling me that they "Loved me", or I was "the kind of woman I could settle down with" was a surefire one way ticket to get your contact info changed to "Do Not Answer #x" and should I ever see that person on the street they might get a handshake and a hello. THAT WAS IT.

None of these men ever spent any real time with my son. On a few occasions I MAY have let them come to my house, but there were other people around. It was never a "just the 3 of us" situation. Now, I started to realize that my undeniable devotion and love for my son led some to think that I really did have feelings for them but I was "scared" or trying to be hard, or didn't want to get hurt. Whatever...come around when I need you-that's all I cared about.

For the ones that I did happen TO care about, there often was a situation where I knew they had another girl, whatever. In hindsight, I realize you get what you put forth. So that shadiness, the seemingly lack of ability to have one woman-I never got mad about it. I didn't care. They were looking at a mirror image in me and just didn't know it. See, I have always known that I look very innocent. And my sarcasm in telling the truth was only taken as sarcasm. I never told anybody they were my "boyfriend", or they were the only one I was dealing with-that assumption was a self made assumption that I never cosigned for. All men assumed that my schedule would only allow for maybe one man. They let the 3 times a week in church, constant running around for my son's sports, constant meetings and trips for my professional organizations and work commitments would make it impossible for me to have time for anybody else since I seldom had time for them. Conversations would be like "I hardly ever see or talk to you, if I didn't know any better I'd think you had another man" and my reply would be "Well, I don't have a man. But you hardly ever see me cause I have to make time for the other 3 or 5 negroes I got on my roster". Those comments would be laughed off. It would be assumed that I was being sarcastic.

And I hardly EVER let them come to my house. When they did, they had to come well after my son was sleep and leave right after the business was adjourned. Did none of them ever think it was strange that they had and still have NEVER seen my house? Did they not think it strange that they would come in the kitchen, go downstairs to the bedroom and leave out the same way. It was acceptable to make a pit stop in the bathroom, but shower? NO. Drinks? NO-there's a 7 eleven down the street? Dinner? PLEASE.

So to me, how is it that you could deduce that I was the type of woman you could fall in LOVE with? How could you know you wanted to settle down with me, when real talk-you were getting pimped in the WORST way. And when I really had to break it down for some of them...well-that's why most men I deal with don't talk to me now. I'm fine with that.

I am not proud of the way I handled my personal life. I am not proud of the way that I played with people's emotions. My decision to stop doing this came long before I decided to get serious with Anthony. I had really stopped dealing with everybody. IF they should happen to text, I just didn't answer. No harm no foul.

So, when Anthony and I got back together, we shared alot about our lives. Only this time, it was about the time we had not been together. And actually-in that time-I had really kind of slowed down on being like that. In the year and a half that we were not together, I really only dealt with one person on a more serious level-but nothing major. So, this behavior had gotten old to me somewhere in my mid twenties. I told Anthony everything about how I used to be. For me, I was showing him that I wasn't sneaky anymore. I had no need for that. That vindictive "You got me, but I'll get you one better" was gone. In the process, I actually did hurt a lot of good men and I'm not proud of that at all.

So in Anthony's insecurity-he really had a problem with me dealing with any ex-boyfriend. I think by now we all know his reasons why. I never really cared that he dealt with his ex-girlfriends UNLESS I felt like there was something unresolved. Talk about going with your damn gut! So then, I started being like him, telling him to stop dealing with these chicks that weren't over him. SO NOT ME.

SO-never again will I put myself in a situation where I start acting out of MY character. WE all have exes in our life, and if you spent any amount of time with them and you are both over it-there is no reason you can not be friends. I have never asked an ex boyfriend to stop dealing with an EX. But at the same time, I know NOW that if you have that feeling that unresolved feelings are there-that's between those two people still having some sort of emotional connection. And if you have an emotional connection to someone else-how can you be 100% connected to me. Emotional Promiscuity-UNACCEPTABLE. I know now that that connection should have been resolved BEFORE I came around.

Along with that, I have some exes, people I dealt with, whatever-that are actually good friends to me. I stopped talking to all of them. Stopped having any kind of reasonable communication so that Anthony could feel better about his insecurities. But-I'm not like him! I made it plain and clear to these men that we were done. And the stupid thing is-that these men are all intelligent, respectable men that didn't overstep once I made things plain. Did some overstep? YES, but I explained to Anthony that is on ME. Because in the past, I might have been dealing with somebody-but that didn't mean I wouldn't deal with them too. So it wasn't on them, it was on me but I corrected the situation. It shouldn't have been an issue after that. For most of my 30 years if people didn't know anything else about me, they know I can't stand bullshit. So why I accepted this from him...well I know why-because I love him, but really-I have never backed down from anything or anyone before, so why I started with him, not sure. Never again.

Everything I did to show him that I was really there-he just used it as his own fuel to tell himself I wasn't trustworthy. What I'm thankful for is that my friends, real friends, see the change in me and that should have been enough for me to know that it wasn't ME it was him. So to my friends, I feel like I owe an apology because it's basically like I was telling you "Thanks for noticing but you don't matter" because it was HIM that I wanted to see it.

I am so much smarter than I have been. It is true you can't help who you love. It is true that you do stupid things for love.

I worked hard for that relationship, and I don't regret a thing. I did everything I could and I damn sure gave everything I have. Anything worth having will take work, and I worked and fought for a life I thought we would share together.

But never again will I let someone else's insecurity define who I am or the things that I do.

Take it or leave it.

And I'm just finally realizing that if you leave it, I'll be okay. Because everything I worked for, everything I am, everything I have is still mine. You left-but you didn't take it.

And in all the hurt, I allowed him to make me feel like I have nothing left.

Never again.

Side Piece?

I realize that constantly trying to make sense of this situation makes no sense. I'm not a person without logic or reason, but I am human and contrary to popular belief I do have feelings. :-)

So, talking to a male friend last night he made a good point-was I the girlfriend or side piece? See, I'd like to think that being in touch with his family-sending flowers, Christmas baskets, and being taken to socialize with siblings and such would make me the girlfriend, but maybe not.

Now I understand the sideways looks of his friends, the uncomfortable side glances, and the questions. It used to bother me that his friends were always trying to say something shocking about him to me and I would tell them we didn't have any secrets from each other-and they would chuckle and exchange glances.

I witnessed them non-chalantly trying to expose another one of their friends while he was there with another girl. How come I didn't get it? I mean really!

I have been really trying not to get so mad that I completely erase him from my life. It's painful. I love him. But I wonder if he showed me the person he really was when we were together or in the end? Another question I know can never be answered. I know it's unfair to say that he never loved me if he treated me like this-but how can I feel like his feelings were genuine when it seems clear to me day to day that the relationship I was in is NOT the relationship he was in.

And although I want to keep the door open for him, I just can't. If he ever truly wanted to let go of these games he plays-if he ever truly wanted to be the man I know or thought he could be-if he ever truly wanted to change-then maybe I could open the door. But for now-it must be closed.

I can't help wondering what else I was supposed to do. I want to tell myself and I want to hear when people tell me I did more than I should-but if that is really true-would I be here?

Over and over again he would tell me that he had no idea why I even wanted to be with someone like him who was doing nothing with his life. Over and over he wondered why I saw what I saw in him. Over and over he told me that I was such a great person, that I was everything that he could ever want but he didn't know why he deserved me. Does he believe that? Does he believe that he did not deserve me and then go find someone he thought he did?? Or does he truly think I don't deserve him? Am I truly not the one he wanted, so he said what he said to try to make me feel better about myself?

I'm proud of myself for the way I've changed, the way I've grown up, for loving somebody with everything I have and showing to them that nothing was ever too big, nothing was ever too hard-that I would be steadfast by his side no matter what. He walked away...AGAIN.

So, I could wonder if I was the side piece or the girlfriend.

I could wonder what I did wrong.

I could be mad at him for lying and cheating on me.

Instead, I will hold on to that love that I had for him. Pure, unconditional, without limits, without boundaries...and know that I gave that to him. Know that I gave him everything I had, and if it wasn't enough for him-then it just wasn't enough.

I'm not sorry for loving him. I'm not sorry for giving myself completely. I'll never be sorry for the time we did have.

I'll always be thankful for his love. I'll always be thankful for the things he taught me about myself. I'll always be glad that I opened up my heart. I will remember him for the person I thought he was. I will never stop hoping that is the man he can be. I will never stop praying that he conquers every dream he ever had and becomes the star I know he is.

I will not try to understand the man that he showed me, because that is not the man I loved. And if that is the man that he is, I pray he doesn't give up on being the man he wants to be.

In reality, I could not be his girlfriend, She can not be his girlfriend...nobody can be anything. Because the first love he needs to find is that unconditional love for himself.

So while I love him, while I'm sad to have lost him...I have to love me more than that.

It's not getting easier. I don't feel any better-I just know that this is the reality.

It doesn't matter where I stood...

All that matters is that I stand.

I'm standing.

I'm living.

I will be okay.

If I had never loved him-I would not have known I was capable.
I'll take that.

Mad Enough

Again, I'm back at a place where everyday is just a day. I find it hard to look forward to almost anything except for the end of the day-because that means I will have made it one more day.

I hate this empty feeling. I hate feeling like I have nothing and wondering if he has anything. I hate not believing what he said because I've never not believed him before. Looking back, there were little inconsistencies-little things that should have jumped out in my face-but because I loved him and trusted him-I turned away from it. I hate feeling like he walked away from me to walk to somebody else. I hate feeling like everything I have done is for nothing, because he didn't want what I had to offer anyway.

In my life, there have been many people that I found that I had no use for. And usually, it was about me being mad enough about whatever they did to me that made me leave them alone and erase them from my life completely. And through this process, I have been telling myself that he doesn't deserve that. I've been telling myself that I can't do that to him. And after that, I'm still alone, still hurt, still completely broken...so why am I holding on?

I have nothing to hold on to. I feel so betrayed, so stupid. What was the point of planning your life with me all these months? What was the point of putting me through all of this? What was the point? I want to believe that he does love me-but that doesn't come without knowing that I think he is falling in love with her. I don't believe for a second he is by himself-I believe he moved what was hard out of his way and now he wants to have fun and talk and plan his life with her. Wherever it's going to go.

As much as it hurts me, and as much as I have tried to control it. I am mad enough. I am mad enough to know that the person he is right now? I have no need for that person. I did not lie to him, I did not betray him, I never did anything to intentionally hurt him and he has been living his life like this all along trying to get close to her and making me feel bad about who I am. I have no time for that. I don't deserve that.

I just wanted him to be happy. I wanted things to happen in his life. I wanted to provide the support he needed in order to be able to do what he needed to do.

I am mad. And mad enough.

I have to let him go. As much as it hurts me, as much as it scares me-there is nothing he can do for me if it wasn't important enough for him to protect my heart the way I protected his.

He is a liar.

He is a cheater.

He is a person that is lost and confused and needs to find himself.

It hurts me to write those things-because I see so much more in him.

He is somebody that has moved himself into my past. I just need to find the strength to keep him there.

I believe people can change. I believe people can get better. I KNOW that what he has to offer right now, is nothing that I need.

I never thought I could love somebody the way I love him. I never thought I could commit myself to someone the way I committed to him. I never thought my life was going to have to go on without him. I never thought he was capable of this kind of deception. I never thought that he would be the person to completely break my heart so wide open that all I can do is carry it this way because I don't have the strength, energy, maybe the courage to put it back together again.

And although I love him, although I miss him, although I want him more than anything-I realize that the Anthony I thought I was loving is not the person I thought he was at all.

I'm mad enough to let go.

Now I just have to get strong enough to move on.

The Things I Wonder About...

After writing the story yesterday, I was overwhelmed by the amount of love and support from all of my friends. Every word, every note, every e-mail-they all help me, they all encourage me, and if nothing else-they all help me to know that who I thought I have become IS who I am.

I had a long conversation with a very good friend of mine who told me that she could say what everybody else is saying-but she had been through this and wanted me to know the things she learned. It gave me a lot of insight into my own situation. I can't say that it necessarily made me feel better-but it just made a lot of things make sense. And I haven't been able to make heads or tails of much of this.

Basically-my story, my feelings were a run down of something she had been through previously in her life. And of course she can't tell me 100% how Anthony is feeling or the motivation for his actions-but it did help.

One of the disagreements Anthony and I had last week when he was here was regarding how he is covered on my health insurance. Out of nowhere he says "You know that thing you're doing with your insurance is illegal, right?" I was like WHAT!! I had no idea what he was talking about. See-I often forgot that I have worked in an office setting basically since I was in college. I know the common-ness of situations like this. The way I went about mine was just different. Our situation allowed me to do this. I'm NOT stupid. Now, for those of that see this all the time-you, like I, probably don't see the big deal here. So Anthony says "I saw my Dr. and asked him about it and he said it didn't sound right to him". I was a little irritated. I mean, first of all, Anthony requested that I do this for him. It was something I told him I could do if he thought it was a good idea and I had no problem doing it. To me, health insurance is one of those things that you don't think about until a $5000 hospital bill is looking you in the face or you can't afford some prescription. I was also irritated because I thought, why would a DOCTOR make an analysis like that not knowing where I work, what my company policies are, or who I am. I thought it was so silly. Then when talking to my friend she made it plain for me. He didn't talk to his DOCTOR. There is somebody in his ear, who doesn't want him to be with me for whatever reason, and that's what SOMEBODY said. Makes sense. Doesn't even make sense that a doctor would say that, but this person probably already outlined for him that I would get upset that he questioned me. What do I have to gain by providing somebody health benefits? He saw all the paperwork and he knew about it every step of the way since I completed the task at his request. So, there were some major outside influences at work here. I can't say for sure what all of them are-but I realize that not only did my actions have to make sense to him-I was being put up against a jury of people that don't care about Anthony-they care about what Anthony can do for them and concentrate on hating on the things in his life they wish they had OR finding a way to get to the place in his life where they want to be.

Makes sense that we had made plans, had a plan in motion for HIS life mostly and then somewhere between the time he now claims he was getting "close" to her, all those plans started to fall apart. We had graduated from "let me fail and then help me" to "I see what you are trying to do and how this makes sense for me" and then back to "Let me fail and then help me". Now it makes sense.

I just really wonder where he thinks their relationship is going to go. I don't think she is a bad person, I don't know much about her. But I do know that he told me that she is separated from her husband and living at home with her mother. I don't ever fault anybody for that. I too had to get MYSELF together at one time and move back home. The difference is, I left the relationship FOR GOOD. I was working on getting out on MY OWN. Moving on with MY LIFE. Now had I been married, if I wasn't trying to see what happened, I would assume that as soon as I left-paperwork would have been filed. And through everything he has put me through, it kills me to know that I'm looking at his situation from the outside in KNOWING he is about to get his heart broken again. I don't want that for him. Part of me thinks that's what he gets for being stupid...but I can't stay mad at him for long.

Then I remembered something she said on the tape. "As long as we have good communication between us about EVERYTHING, and you know...no outside influences"
Yes Courtney, because you realize that he can be influenced by OUTSIDE influences...because that's what you've been.

Don't take this as me having hard feelings towards her-I have no idea what her intentions are. But based on her actions-I know that her intention is not to be divorced. If he can't see that-that's on him. I have no right to speak on it.

So, I was watching The Bachelor last night and basically the girl he picked got screwed over in the end. But her words punched me in the face:
"Why did you put a ring on my finger? Why did you propose to me? You wanted the relationship and as soon as things were different you got scared and you don't want to fight for me. You don't want to fight to see if this will work. You just get scared and run away to somebody else."

And then when she was away from him, she said she wasn't mad-just hurt. That she wished he had wanted to fight for her. That she wished he wanted to try. She said that it must be her. Must be something about her. And as much as I wanted to be able to look at her and think, no that's not true. I'd be a hypocrite because that's how I feel.

I laid in bed for a long time thinking maybe I should not have told so many people what really happened. And I keep going back and forth thinking his own words were that he was going to stop running from the truth. But do I have the right to make him stand up to his own truth. Am I judging him? Am I being unfair?

So badly I want to know if he actually did what he said. Did he tell her he's not trying to be with anybody? Does he really want to still have me in his life, or did that just sound good? Is he really just being by himself so he can get closer to God? Because after I saw him with her-I don't believe that at all. I believe that he got me out of the way, felt bad about it-but then realized that maybe she's the one for him. And I wonder if he told her everything he told me and if she was more understanding, does that mean to him that she's better for him because she didn't get mad and not want to talk to him? Because in my head, she doesn't have a right to get mad at him for being with somebody-but to him does that mean that she's more accepting of who he is?

No matter how I think about this-I can't get it to sit right with me. I'm not better, but I feel like I can't let myself get any worse. I read past blogs from last August where I was going through the same thing-but I had hope then. I hadn't been lied to and cheated on. I feel guilty now for how much I pray because I should have never pulled away from God and I'm so sorry for that. I mean I still prayed...but I was praying for him and God was showing me the truth, I just didn't believe it or want to see it.

I don't know what's going to happen between us. I don't know what's going to happen for me. And honestly, I just don't have the energy to wonder. I'm just existing. Trying to do what I can to keep my mind clear and the tears from falling from my eyes, because I don't want to be bothered with people asking what is wrong with me.

I wonder if I would ever forgive him. I wonder if he would ever even want me back. I wonder if it would be the dumbest thing in the world to take him back. I wonder if he hurts at all. I wonder if he cares. I wonder if loving him like this will ever stop hurting me. I wonder why he didn't want to fight for me. I wonder if I can ever forgive him. I wonder if I can ever stop blaming myself.

I just want a piece of some peace.

I'm trying not to let this situation take my happiness, my joy, my peace but it has slipped right through my fingers.

Today I'm still hurt.

Today I'm still sad.


But today, I am mad. And I wonder if that means anything to him at all.

The State of MY Union

As much as I don't want to do this-I promised myself that today I would write about this and try to let out some of this emotion that I've been fighting for a few days.

Understand a few things before reading this explanation of what happened:
1. I invited all of you to read this for a reason. I hope to make that clear while writing this-but understand this is real emotion, raw emotion-an outlet for me. I'm not here to tear anybody down-but this is my life.

2. Understand that even if you didn't know it before-I am leaps and bounds more expressive in my writing than in talking.

3. This is not an invitation to a pity party. It's my emotions...real and right now. I'm not going to hide them.


So...where to begin.

Well, as you all know-Anthony has been having a hard time these last few months. The reason I know that you all know is because you heard from me from time to time asking you for your prayers for him, for us, but mostly (I think) for him. Anthony has been going through a time in his life where things start to fall apart and nothing is as it seems so you get into a continual pattern of having to pick yourself up where you fell.

See-as some of you do or don't know...we stopped talking for about a month last August. At that time, Anthony had stopped working for GM and I was really excited for him to really give 100% in pursuing his dream to make his music his life and his career. At that time, he felt like I didn't understand his lifestyle, and never would so he said he couldn't do the relationship anymore. And then-I was very much in a similar place to where I am now. I was in shock, but something told me it was not over. I thought he was overwhelmed. So I prayed and just stayed strong in believing that we could work it out, we would work it out, and things would be fine.

We did eventually start talking again and things seemed to be fine. We had a new understanding that there was no time limits on our relationship. He finally understood that I knew that his life was going to be unpredictable to say the LEAST but he finally understood what I was offering. See, during the summer when he was getting ready to leave GM, it was my idea that he could just move to Colorado. But my idea of moving was not to settle down. It was so that he could go and do whatever he needed to do. So that when he needed to pick up and go somewhere, he could just GO. At first, Anthony didn't like the fact that he felt like I couldn't go with him. Either because of Trey, or my job, etc...he felt like I should be able to just pick up and go with him. He wanted me to experience what he was experiencing. Well-to me-even if I didn't have Trey...I wouldn't do that ANYWAY. I told him that while I was trying to get to where I am now, I had to settle OVER AND OVER again for jobs that I hated, being in positions that I knew weren't going anywhere-but I had no choice. I had a child depending on me. I had to do what made sense. I didn't want that for him! I wanted him to be able to go wherever he wanted to go with no worries of having to please anybody BUT himself. I wanted him to be able to say "Nope, this isn't for me" and move ON. For a while, I thought he understood that. He had said that in April, he was moving here. I really wanted him to understand over and over, that moving here didn't mean moving in with me, settling down and making a life. It meant get on your GRIND, be about your business, and go where you need to go with no worries about little things while you are gone.

In the meantime, he kind of went from job to job. I did whatever I could to help him. I've always known that as much as he is a free spirit is as much as I am grounded. Although our talents and goals were very different, I understood every step of his life. I had to learn to not try to save him FROM the things that were going to happen but to just be there when things didn't work out and encourage him to keep on going because things WOULD get better. Whether it was paying bills he couldn't quite take care of, providing health insurance for him, whatever-I did these things because I love him. Because I knew I could take care of them and they were things that you don't think about until you are in a horrible situation where the lack of these things in place causes great strain. And because if in the same situation, he would and HAS done the same thing for me!

I'm trying to stay coherent here, so bear with me. Around mid-October I received some weird e-mails from someone who was sending ME an e-mail chain between Anthony and a "Courtney". It was e-mails where he had sent her a picture of his outfit, songs from iTunes he had downloaded and sent to her...nothing major, or what I thought at the time, warranted any suspicion. It was his actions that made me suspicious. See, my e-mails come to my phone. So I saw this e-mail come into my phone and I couldn't get the whole thing, so I refreshed-then it was gone! Then there was a reply from me, then everything was gone. So when I get back to my desk, I realize Anthony is in my e-mail answering the e-mails AS me and then deleting all the evidence. I called him and asked what was going on. So-we had no idea who it was and I finally sent an e-mail to all parties involved basically telling the guy to stop contacting me, that Anthony and I were together and to just stop the drama. I HATE DRAMA. I knew who Courtney was-she was someone (A MARRIED SOMEONE) that Anthony had dealt with before we ever got back together from 2005. A jump-off basically. So, honestly-the way he handled it was suspect, YES. But I never heard back from anybody and that was it. I took his explanation for it...let it go. looking back on it now, and finding her e-mail was signed in another time I was trying to sign into MY e-mail, I realize he probably intercepted the note that she was copied on-so she never saw it, just like I wouldn't have.

In November, we went to NJ/NYC. This was the first time I ever felt like there was a disconnect in our relationship, but I knew he wasn't really happy with where his life was at, so I kind of let it go. I asked him why there was no affection, he seemed very disconnected which was just not like him. He then told me again that he was unhappy with life, and just couldn't be that way feeling like he was. I took that.

In December, things started to get a little hectic for me. We found out my grandmother in Korea was sick. And this strain between Anthony and I was really bothering me. So all I could really do was pray that I could be the support he needed. Constantly prayed that I had the right words to encourage him and keep him lifted in his pursuit of his dream. So, I get on facebook one day and I see that one of his ex-girlfriends, Bryonne, has tagged him at a KC Chiefs football game. Understand that I didn't even get mad when I saw this. I figured it was an old picture, I knew what she was trying to do because Anthony had told me repeatedly she was trying to be back in his life and she was "that" ex girlfriend that just tries to cause drama. So her posting of pictures came directly after I finally put up pics of our trip to the east coast. However, when I looked at the date of the picture-I realized that Anthony and I were together at the time. That this was AFTER we had started talking again and I was PISSED! I just couldn't understand how he could have missed telling me he was going somewhere, especially with her...and as much as we talk and text everyday-how did he get out of this? What could he have told me that I either didn't bother him or talk to him for the duration of a football game??!! His explanation was that we weren't together-until I broke down the timeline for him. He said he didn't think I would understand, he was wrong...no explanation-he was just sorry.

I went back to Kansas City for New Years. I thought it would be different. SAME DISCONNECT. No real affection...I just didn't feel wanted like I used to. So, during this time, Anthony was working. I was on his computer looking up some information and when I went to Yahoo, his e-mail came up. I opened it. I know this was wrong, I know it wasn't the right thing to do-but after the things that had happened...I opened it. Sure enough, an e-mail from Bryonne. It said alot, but said nothing. See-I understood that she's one of these silly females that an ex-boyfriend could say "HI" to and in her mind they are on the mend. I responded back to her e-mail and told her to "LET GO. YOU DON'T MATTER" and right when I hit SEND, I realized that this was NOT one of the most stellar moments in my life. I was ashamed that I had even stooped to her level. I was mad at myself for going there with him when I thought I knew I could trust him because he just wouldn't do me like that. So instead of trying to cover it up-and knowing he would be upset-I told him what I did. I felt like our relationship was so much more than that, and although I had made a mistake-I was NOT going to lie to him.

Anthony came home from work early to basically go off on me. Told me he couldn't believe I had went through his stuff. That after all the things I HAD DONE, it was not fair that I still thought he was doing things behind my back. Said there was no reason for us to be together if there was no trust...this went on and on and on. He told me that I shouldn't even compare myself to them, since he didn't even really know why I wanted to be with him because I could do so much better-that he didn't deserve me. At this point, knowing what I know now-I can't even really begin to go here-so sorry.

I left and I fully expected him to just tell me he was done. Now, don't get me wrong. At the time-I DID think his reaction was a little extra but I also just kept taking into account all the stress he was under. In January, I lost my wallet-I don't think I need to say much more. You all know that means cancelling of debit cards, blah blah blah. Well, I had supplied Anthony with a debit card just in case of emergencies and the card did not get cancelled, but they would not allow it to be used until I got and activated my new one for my protection. However as he was trying to use it during this time-it took us awhile to get that answer. But-common sense told ME that it was probably a precaution-but Anthony got pissed. Stopped talking to me for about a day (which might not seem like a long time to you, but being that we were long distance-we talked/texted several times an HOUR) and I was all stressed out thinking that I had failed him. I wired him $100 dollars and texted him the reference number and I get a text back along the lines "As I sat here hungry last night, I realized that things have gotten out of hand so I handled my own business. I cut up your card and checkbook. I appreciate what you TRIED to do, but I've got to handly my business". So I felt AWFUL (Listen, I understand that this is the part where you get frustrated with me...). I knew he was mad at me, and I felt so bad because he always talked about all the ways he was there for everybody else, and I just felt like if he could depend on anybody he should be able to depend on me.

Again, the communications between us were a little strained. ONe morning, I get a message from Bryonne on Facebook. It was laughable at best. She said they had been seeing each other off and on, that he had positioned himself as a family with her and her son, blah blah blah. I didn't believe her, but I did have a problem with her contacting me. So of course I told him about the e-mail, but I told him my problem was that he seemed to still want to have some emotional connection to her. Why was it important to talk to her? Why was it important for her to not think he hated her? So, this caused a break down where he said he was not over her...still mad at her. I had known this for quite some time, but he would not confirm it. Again, I understood where he was coming from. I understood that he did not want to be with her, but it was frustrating to have been with someone that you gave so much too and feel like they didn't have to suffer like you. So, that incident, opened up a huge door of communication for us. He realized that I will take things personally if I don't know the source of the anger or discontentment, but just being honest about his feelings...I could listen. It didn't hurt me to hear him talk about how she made him feel, or how angry he was. He needed to get it out. Over and over again, he would say "I wish I would have known I could talk to you like this"

Then Anthony lost his job again. I was ECSTATIC!! See, every job turned into the same situation as GM. Hours he didn't like to work, place he wasn't comfortable with...and I just thought "This is God at work". I told him NOT to get another job. I told him he could move here or I would help him with his bills...but STAY AT HOME, work on his music. I talked to him about getting unemployment, understanding it wasn't a handout, and just focus 100% on his music. Soon after, he got an opportunity to work with an in-demand producer and they wanted him to come to LA! He was happy. I was happy for him and always praying and asking people to pray that this was the breakthrough he wanted and so much deserved.

Anthony was originally supposed to come here for Valentine's Day and to be here for Trey's birthday party, but he told me that Brian Kennedy was going to be in Kansas City. Well, I knew what the logical decision was. Although I wanted to see him...it made no sense for him to come here when Brian was THERE. So I told him that I wasn't going anywhere, he's welcome here anytime...but this was one of those things where we were going to have to be prepared for whatever opportunity presented itself.

The trip to LA did not go well. Anthony made some contacts, but it wasn't what he expected, he returned home early and decided to come here on the following Tuesday and stay through Sunday. I was ecstatic to see him, but I knew he needed some time to decompress and just relax.

Anthony got here on the 24th, and I wasn't surprised this time by the disconnect. I knew he wasn't happy. We talked and he told me about the trip, and he always seemed relieved that I knew where he was coming from. He got a dose of some "LA FOLKS" and I told him that I never understood why I had an opportunity to work in the industry for my short time in LA, but I was glad now because everything I told him was everything it was. He was discouraged, but I told him...every step is a STEP. Regardless of what direction-it is a STEP.

Fast forward to Thursday morning...

Anthony and I are laying on the couch, and I was a little concerned that he seemed very distant. In the last couple days I had noticed that if I got close to him he might flinch a little, or seemed reluctant to even hug me. So, as we lay on the couch I gave him his distance. He continually asked me what was wrong. Finally I told him how he was acting. Told him I didn't even feel like he wanted me to be around him. I asked him if he honestly needed some alone time I would leave him alone, but I would rather him tell me that than feel like he didn't even want to be affectionate or intimate with me. This again turned into a huge production. He told me he was tired of being told by ME that he was not enough. That he did little things like waited for me to eat, offered to fix things around the house, etc. and he felt like those things mattered too, not just being intimate and/or affectionate and if that's the only way I felt like he was connected to me it was a problem. At this point, he did make me realize I was being a little selfish. I told him that I had overlooked those little things, and based on how he was feeling I was sorry for making him feel that way. He said he was uncomfortable and wanted to go home. Now, I felt like this was a little much. He said he didn't want to break up, but he needed a break from everything and everyone and he just wanted to go home. So I told him, that if we are going to be together, he's not always going to be able to GO somewhere else. I offered to give him a couple hours to cool down and then we could continue with our week. He said NO, he wanted to go. Somewhere along the way it turned into a discussion of how he needed to get his life right because he didn't feel like the right doors were opening for him and he asked if we weren't together if we could be friends. Now, over the past couple days he had been saying things like this...and I asked him over and over again if he was trying to just push me away. He said that he just wanted to do things the right way, get closer to God, and wanted to know if I'd be there for him. He said I deserved more, that I had all of my life together and he just didn't even know why I would want to be with someone who had nothing to offer me. At that point, I felt like his mind was made up. I took him to the airport. I was devastated.

He texted me to tell me he was sorry. He asked if we could talk. At that point I felt like, you know-I DO deserve more BUT I have known what he was going through. But after you walk out on me? I wasn't sure what I could take anymore.

So, he called me at about 3:30 on Friday morning. He asked how I felt. And I told him that I had been existing in a one sided relationship, but I love him, and I knew things would get better so I didn't understand why he had to walk away. THEN, some issues of OLD started coming up. He basically said he didn't know if he could trust me.

Let me make a couple things plain here...I know this is long...bear with me. I am not ever going to pretend like I was innocent before this relationship. I think the mistake that I made is that I told Anthony EVERYTHING about how I used to be. I didn't realize that although it didn't bother me to hear about his past, it DID bother him. Now, there's only one real relevant incident I need to bring up here for you to understand his point of view, kind of. There was an incident that happened on my birthday that I thought we were past, but apparently we were not. There was a guy, that I had had previous relations with, (RELATIONS, not relationSHIP) that was at the club we were at. I had been with this guy over 6 years previous to that night. I had seen him from time to time and he had NEVER really tried to talk to me again. See, the thing about me when it came to men was that I did what I wanted to do. I did not pretend to be anybody's girlfriend, I made it very clear that my intentions were for ONE THING and that was it. Do not call me to chat, don't ask me to hang out...I had one purpose for men and I made that clear. So, there was never any clean break ups or anything like that. They stopped hearing from me, and they knew better than to call...so that was that. So, this guy gets in my face asking me to buy some raffle tickets. Then I realize he is REALLY in my face and I say "HEY...my boyfriend is over there". Even I realized that at this point it was too late. Now, maybe I shouldn't have told Anthony that this guy and I had had previous contact, but I had nothing to lie to him about.

This came up in our conversation about him trusting me. There was also ex-friends that still contacted me from time to time and I felt like I was telling them about my relationship and I was letting them know, but Anthony still felt like they were being disrespectful. He found an e-mail conversation between a friend of mine and me that he felt like he was being disrespectful. At the time I didn't feel that way, but I had to see it from his point of view. Then I realized that if Anthony felt disrespected, there was really no need for me to keep speaking to these people. So, for the ones I still had friendly conversations with, I cut all that. I never wanted to do anything where Anthony felt disrespected.

Then he kept bringing up the e-mail thing and I finally asked him how he could make that such a big deal when FIRST OF ALL, he was in my e-mail all the time. And SECOND OF ALL, if the signs weren't there, I wouldn't have even went there. I don't claim to be right, and I'm not trying to justify my actions...but I really wanted him to see-the SIGNS WERE THERE.

Then I asked him if he ever thought I cheated. He said "I don't know". That hurt me to my heart. I am not the same person I used to be. And if anybody should know that, I thought it would be him.

So I said, "Did you cheat on me".

"YES".

You could have told me a million things. But to tell me that Anthony had PHYSICALLY cheated on me...no. I would have NEVER expected that. He told me that around September/August he had given Courtney his number. That they had talked and gotten close and that he wished he could talk to me like he talked to her and that they had been intimate a few times.

So I asked if he loved her, and if he wanted to be with her. He said:

"I don't know".

And if my heart hadn't been broken enough, I can't explain to you how this made me feel. So...he is pleading with me to still be his friend because he doesn't want to lose me out of his life. Telling me how he wants to be closer to God, wants to fall in love again, wants to be happy again...and all I can hear is "I don't know". He said he was going to come clean with everybody, including her. I told him that if he wants to change his life, and move on-he has every right. I have said and will still say today that the worst thing you can ever do to anyone is stop believing that they can change. I told him that when he makes that decision, nobody has a right to remind you of who you were, because nobody knows better THAN you because nobody has to suffer for your decisions more than you. So I told him that knowing THAT, I could not fairly be his friend while loving him and wanting more. I told him that I would forgive him. That true forgiveness would come without any explanation from him, because I realize his explanation will never satisfy my heart.

We got off the phone and I texted him and told him that I had nothing else to say. I was his friend inside of the relationship...I didnt know how to be his friend with no relationship.

He texted me and told me that he left his camera. I knew I shouldn't, but I wanted to take anything of me off the camera. There, I found that on Valentine's day, he was NOT with Brian in the studio, he and his friends had rented a house and he took Courtney Baylis to a weekend getaway. He had texted me the whole weekend! Pulled off some dark picture where he looked so tired, supposed to be IN the studio. Called me-said he stepped out to just call me and tell me he loved me quickly before getting back to work-and now I realize the noise in the background was his FRIENDS!! On tape was a video conversation of him telling her that she was what he wanted for his life, but he knew it was going to get screwed up. I watched him touch her the way I longed to be touched, I watched him fawn all over her like he used to do with me. I watched him act the way he said he couldn't act because he couldn't get his life right. Then I told him that I saw it...he said he figured I would and that he wasn't mad.

My last text to him said this:
"Well I am. Don't ever tell me how great I am ever again. You've just added yourself to a long line of people who have told me in not so many words that for whatever reason I make it impossible to love me. That have undermined my intelligence and when I showed how in tune I am to other people's feelings and actions...tore ME down and made me feel like I was wrong...made me apologize and try to make up for my shortcomings...and YOU had me praying to be God to be the woman of God I needed to be, to be the best woman, wife, mother I could be. Begging God to fix ME. The difference is I knew what to expect from them and I gave them almost NOTHING. I was proud for committing myself to you. Thankful for your love...felt blessed for the way our lives intertwined. I did nothing to ever betry you until the signs were there...and you tore me down and didn't trust ME? I thought it was different because neigher one of us had to go back to the way we used to be. And while I was praying and trying to support you and do everything you needed...you laid up with someone else and told her everything I wished I could hear. So thank you for proving that I will never be anything to anyone. And the stupidest shit of all is that I don't love you any less...would be willing to work though it...but you can't even say "No, I don't love her-I love you". So for all the peoplethat you wanted to hurt because they hurt you...her is your BIGGGGGGGGGGGGG Victory. you come clean...whoo hoo! Fresh new start. GOOD FOR YOU. I am not willing to ever love anybody else because that's what I want to give to you...you don't want it. So as I try to find the energy to even want to live right now...congrats on your new start. Like I said...I WON'T harp at you so I'm sorry for this last outburts. But don't try to make it seem like I was special. You aren't like the rest of them...nobody has ever hurt me like this. EVER. Don't Apologize, don't say anything. Just like they all shit on you, that's how I feel. I hope you get away from the poisonous people that have positioned themselves as your friends. You deserve better"


And that was it. I haven't heard another word. I feel so STUPID. Visiting him in Kansas City, putting groceries in the house, cooking him and his roommate dinners to last them for awhile, cleaning up and doing his clothes all because I just wanted him to relax. To show him that those were things for me to do while I was there. That all the times I was around him and his friends and really told him that it bothered me that his friends were always trying to bring up things to make him look bad-trying to encourage him to move away from that kind of HATE...he is just like them. So a friend said to me yesterday "The kinds of friends you have indicate the kind of person you are". How come I didn't see that? How come I didn't pick up on the fact that his willingness to always tell his friends to not settle down and to live their lives was in fact his own opinion of his life.

I don't believe he came clean with her at all. I believe that he moved me out of the way and expects to be happy with a woman who is still married. That although she is separated from her husband...she is not divorced. If he doesn't get it...oh well.

I love him with EVERYTHING that I have. I never cheated on him, I never did anything to betray him except for open a damn e-mail and NOW my suspicions have been confirmed? So for the last three or four months I have been trying to show him that I trust him and can be trusted and I have apologized for MY behavior everytime he ridiculed me for being untrustworthy when it was really just his GUILTY CONSCIENCE!!??


And...is this all I ever get. Every man-this is the end result. So how can I not wonder what I'm missing that would allow somebody to only love me. That would make just ME enough. Have I hurt so many people, have I made so many mistakes that this is what I actually deserve?

What else did he want from me? What else was I supposed to do?

And the part that kills me-is that for NINE YEARS, I have been meticulously careful with my child. Some of you know some or all of the details, but the relationship between him and his dad is better but still bruised. So knowing that he had one person in his life that ALWAYS hurts him regardless of if that is his intention or not...I did everything I could to protect him from having somebody else hurt him. I know that I don't know his path, I know that I can't protect him from everything...but this is on me. THIS is my fault-and I am so mad at Anthony for not thinking about my child. I look at his face and I feel like I failed him. How many times can you hurt a child that doesn't deserve anything but happiness? If for nothing else, I will never put him through this again.

I feel so empty. I am so hurt. I don't know how to move on from here. I am mad at myself for being this pitiful. I am mad at him for putting me through this. I don't have the energy, the SANITY to even fathom loving somebody else like this.

I wish I could go back to the Monica that NEVER wanted to be married. That NEVER depended on anybody but myself and God. I was TOTALLY FINE with being alone. And along the way even realized that using men was not getting me anywhere and knowing that I didn't want to be that way...I was STILL okay with just being by myself.

I love him SO much. And I am mad at myself for still holding on to that. For not being mad enough to just say to hell with it all and putting my head on straight and keep on going.

I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful for the people around me that won't let me fall, and I am so thankful to all of you for reminding me who I am...because I don't have ANY of that right now. I'm also thankful to all of you for embracing him, embracing US. Praying for him, helping him if I reached out to you...I appreciate what all of you were willing to do because of your friendship to me. I thank you for your words. Some of them stay with me...

"You are the woman he needs, but not the one he deserves". Thank you JR...that has stuck with me for a long time. Especially since this was your analysis way back when things started getting rough. I keep trying to tell myself that, but I can't help but wonder if he needs me, why he doesn't want me. And to me, he deserves the world.

"It's not your failure" Thanks KB...but how can I not feel like that. I'm here again-wondering what else I could have given, what else I could have done, how else I could have supported him to just be enough.

"Niggas have faithful problems". JM-Thank you. It just made me laugh...but you meant it, and I think for some people you are right.


So that is my story. I know this was long, and if you cared enough to read it all, I love you and I thank you for your friendship. I don't know how to stop loving someone when you love them like I love him. I don't know how to let go of wanting to be with someone when you wanted someone like I wanted him. I don't know how to imagine my life without him. I don't know how to stop hoping that he still wants me. I don't know how to stop wondering if he even cares about me at all.

But the Monica that is Monica loves ME more. I know that...I'm just trying to believe that. To be that. I am making it day to day.

I love him.

I miss him.

But I have got to know that I didn't deserve any of this. I just don't know that yet. I'm just being honest.

I'm trying...