What I Deserve

Today started out as a great day.

I got to work early, some little surprises work wise-nothing major.

Then, the normal text message in an attempt to ruffle my feathers, but this one did ruffle my feathers. It's unimportant to put up what was actually said to me...but just to make a long story short...I have a child who is with the other parent, and they have no real relationship up to this point. I'm sure on another occasion I will write more in depth about this...but it is what it is.

Immediately, I asked for prayer. You know, now that I think about that-that's an accomplishment kind of in and of itself. I can remember a time where my temper would have flared and I would have been so angry I didn't know what to do. Then so sad I couldn't make heads or tails of anything. Then sitting at the table of my own pity party that nobody else wanted to attend.

Not today. I asked for prayer. Not for me, but for another person. Can I pray for this person, yes. But I also realize that before I send up any prayers in vain, I have to talk to God about the feelings I am having about this person and this situation. See, I'm past the point in my life where I ask God "WHY". He has been too good to me. How dare I ask "why"? Instead, I say thank you God for the living testimony...forgive me for acting this way. Help ME to forgive this person, knowing that it is not for HIM but for me. Forgive me for making any judgments on why he does what he does, and THANK YOU God for blessing me because I already know you have it all under control. HELP ME to receive the blessing that you are raining down on me, and thank you for trusting me to get through this as a true child of God.

My how things change.

I'm also thankful that I have a group of people that I can go to and ask them to pray. People that honestly believe and know in the power of prayer, and people that would correct me in love if they thought my feelings were uncalled for or unnecessary.

Now, I did receive a reply back that said:

"He doesn't deserve any prayers"

Now this was a statement made in haste...a statement made my a mother who has walked in my shoes and gone the distance. Someone I can truly look to for guidance and support. I didn't take her words literally, but it did make me think.

My response to that was everybody deserves to be prayed for, but nobody deserves to be judged. See, I won't let this man take any of my joy away for the decisions that he has made. I won't let him hinder my happiness, my security, my life not another second, not another day. I did suffer when I was with him...but it was not because of him. It was because I LET HIM. It was because instead of putting all my faith, energy, and trust in GOD, I was waiting for a man to step in and give those things to me. He did not take my joy, I let it go. He did not take my happiness, I couldn't see that MY happiness was not in HIM. He did not take my security, I let my guard down for the wrong person. But he did change my life. And I'm not bitter about that. I am ever, EVER thankful.

I can't be mad at him. He's not making choices for me. Yes, the mother in me aches for my child. But you know what? God has a plan for him to. And my job is not to protect him from anything. My job is to teach him that he can go to God for EVERYTHING and he will provide. Unlike what a lot of people teach their children, I have told and instilled in my child that I am doing the best that I can-but I might not be right. I have been honest with him and told him that I would LOVE to be everything he needs me to be, but we can only trust GOD and know that he will supply all of our needs. I spend many years wondering, just as the young lady from my church, how long people would punish me and judge me for what I had done in the past. So wouldn't I be the biggest hypocrite to do that to this man when I know what it feels like? I don't wish any ill will towards him, but all I can do is pray for him. Because the only person that will suffer the most from the consequences of the choices he has made...is him. And I won't be there to point my finger at him. I am praying that I will be there to extend a hand and tell him "You can make it". He can change. But he has to face his own self. That is not up to me. I don't know what he will need or what he needs NOW, but I'm just praying that God continue to bless him.

You see, none of us are ready or even capable of standing up to what we deserve. How many of us deserve even 1/100th of the blessings that he has given to us? If God doubted me as many times as I have doubted him, where would I be? God has brought me out of death, MORE than once. He has protected me even when I thought I was being hurt. He has trusted me, even though I spent so much time trusting him half-heartedly and only praising him when things were going right.

What I deserve, I will never get. None of us will. We will get a glimpse of what life is like if you don't trust in Him, but he is so merciful-he will never let us fail. I thank God that he hasn't given me what I deserve. We probably all should be.

Today started out as a great day.

I have learned more about myself today. I have seen where I was and where I am. I have maintained who I am, and where I faltered asked God to forgive me, and I know he did. As undeserving as I am, I know he did. And today I am better, even if just a little bit, than I was yesterday.

Today started out as a great day.

It's a day I didn't deserve.

It's a day that he gave me anyway.

Today IS a great day.