It's Okay

For all the times I've been hurt
All the things I've been through
I never wanted to be where I now stand
Inflicting pain and hurt on you.

I know what it's like to be used
to be taken for what I do and don't have
to be left without a fleeting thought
fo feel like I'm only good for what I give

I know how it feels when they all laugh and live
to feel like the world is passing me by
Trying to figure out where I fit in to it all
Wondering when I lost control of my life

I gave over and over to prove who I was
To somehow give "THINGS" as a symbol of love
to hopefully show my love in real magnitude
to hopefully be able to show who I was

And all that I gave is ALL that I lost
And it seemed I could get nothing back
While they got to enjoy what I gave
And on me? They turned their backs

My misery seemed to amuse them
my suffering seemed to be a mockery
and all that I gave of me-thrown right away
And it seemed the only person I had was me

So I turned my back on everybody
They turned their backs on me!
I had a right to be mad at all of them
Look what they did to me!

Nobody appreciated who I was
Nobody saw what I tried to do
And now, in my worst realization-
I've been "them" to you.

The anger helped me in the moment
But that didn't last for long
It shielded the most important thing
"They" didn't get me. I am strong.

So when I was down to nothing
I had to show myself who I was
I had to embrace all of those good things
Realize what I was really made of

And now you are reduced to that loneliness
To the emptiness where there should be life
And I have added to that pain
that rips through your soul like ice.

I too, once gave up on people
because they did nothing at all for me
because they took all I had to offer
And when I needed them, I only had me

Then I lashed out at them
They deserved to feel my wrath
They needed to know how much I gave of me
I wanted them to give SOMETHING back.

Some basically laughed right in my face
Scoffed and called it overreacting
They showed me what my need for them was
They didn't deserve anymore-ANYTHING-not from me.

Some had no idea of the anger I had inside
Seemed surprised I even had emotion so strong
Some declared they didn't ask for what I did
Accepted all of it-but now acted like I was wrong.

And then, a few TRUE friends, who listened to my rage
Offered an honest and sincere apology
Who honestly felt bad for taking me for granted
But promised to try to give back equally

You see-I know what it's like to be surrounded
But stand in the midst all alone
To look around and watch others move on
To stand-because I'm stuck in a hole.

I have held "them" in the back of my head
And tried to give you that same love-all of my heart
But all that I tried to give means nothing now
I tried. I failed. I fell apart.

But if I had never given to them
It would be impossible to give love to you
because I thought I could give you all that and more
I thought there was so much that I could do.

I failed you-it kills me through and through
I wanted to love you so differently
I wanted to give you more than I had-
I just pray that you accept my apology.

You're the last person I would ever want to hurt
You deserve the world and more
And because I haven't proven myself
If I have to-I will let you go.

It IS okay to get over all your hurt
It IS okay to be who you are
I will always be here, with all of my love
No matter the distance-I'll never be far.

But if you can find it in your heart
to let me try it again
I will love you for all that you are
Together we'll figure it out. We will live.

Please don't put limits on me-
I'm ready for whatever may come
And if I haven't said it enough
My life has been changed by your love

I love you-and I will let you go
If you desire and need to be free
I would wait a lifetime
You will always have me

And if I'm not the one for you
And you should find the one who is
She's the one who can give you all the world
Who brings you back to life again

I may not have the world to give
But I'm willing to give you my world
I'm willing to TRY to be that woman you need
And hopefully add another boy and two little girls :-)

I've held so much in-unfairly at your expense
BecauseI'm not sure now you know how I feel
I gave what I thought was all of me
To me-this is it. THIS is real.

I'm sorry for letting you down
This is not how I wanted it to be.
I see the amazing man that you are
And I thank you for loving me.

I see who you are, I know your heart
And you WILL make all of your dreams come true
Whatever it is you need or decide-I am here.
I'll never turn my back on you.

It's hard to bring this to an end
It seems impossible to say-
Whatever you have to do-I'm here
I'm not leaving-but whatever you do. It's OKAY.

I Can Go On Now

I'm not sure how to place the words
so that I can paint the story
of how I feel.

My heart-ripping in silent screams
But with the pain
Comes relief-so real.

The revelation. The TRUTH. Deafening.
I can't turn away
It's right in my face

I can't even grasp what has kept me
HERE. So Obviously-WRONG
So out of place.

Over and over-mistakes I have made
And I let you be my judge
the final word, yours.

Even if I hurt you in the process
It is only God's wrath I fear
Not you. Not anymore.

I let your expectations predict my actions
I let myself fail-but
the fault? It's mine.

I stood in the shadow you cast
over me-over my life
I've got to go. Now it is time.

I've held myself back. I've let myself down.
And as hard as I thought
I fought. I let you win.

I played the bad guy. Your villain.
Your excuse. YOU COWARD.
Not anymore. NEVER again.

Unlike you-I still see God in this plan
in trying to destroy me
HE didn't let me go

He gave me another chance to be me
You don't see his mercy
You don't even know!

The things you try to place on me
that Ugliness-it's not me.
Look. LOOK. It's YOU

I just followed the poor example
The immaturity, selfishness
Not me. NOT ME. YOU!!

No more heaviness in my heart
my soul-I'm setting it free.
You have no control.

Face your own demons. Fight your OWN self.
I've got to fly away
You can't use me. NO MORE.

Blood ties us together...but love??
Not from you. That's NOT
what you have given or shown

It is what has made me feel bound
You have had my love, respect-
And I thought you had GROWN.

I will love you and forgive you
because-you AREN'T in control
I am now-NOT YOU.

I will believe you can change
Your ways. Your heart.
Everything you do.

My energy. My passion. My heart.
You have had it.
I have had ENOUGH.

Thank you for the strength. Understanding.
Of what I have endured.
Thank you SO much.

All the while I thought it was over
God still had a lesson
For ME. In YOUR ugliness

I still didn't allow him to reveal
Opportunities. I let go.
of MY happiness.

I see it now-Oh THANK YOU GOD
I know where I can go
I know what to do.

Who are YOU going to hold down now?
There is no one to punish
YOU have to deal with YOU.

May God bless you in your journey
as he deals with ALL OF YOU
All of YOUR "things"

I'll pray for your strength
Pray for Your Soul
I don't need YOU to pray for me.

I have everything, everyone I
could ever need
Not you-go your way please

Thank you for the clarity
Thank for for the strength
I can go on now-
You don't get to stand in my way.

Good-bye to hurt, pain, shame.
Hello to life renewed.
I can go on now-
I'm over it. I'm PAST YOU.

I cannot remove you from my life
But I can move my life from you
I can go on now-
Good-by to what you tried to do.

Now you have to deal with you.

I'm going on now-will you move on too?


You don't have to-
I can go on now.

Do whatever you need to do.

And if you decide to stay-
I can go on now.

Do it your way.

Yesterday was yours, maybe also today-
I can go on now.

Tomorrow is mine. MY way.

No hard feelings, no regrets-
I can go on now

And what you deserve-YOU WILL GET.

I can go on now.
Good-bye.

I can go on now.



1/27/2008
MAH
8:43 PM

Ecstasy

Ecstasy has replaced the fantasies
Fantasies have become the reality
Of the fusion of our bodies
As our souls are laced
In the strongest
Concentrated
Substance
That our love dissolves with ease

My body becomes one with your body
Your body is my sanctuary
Adulterated by my lust
Beautifully tainted
by my passion that
Devours
Ravages
Your being while drowning you in this sea of erotic love

As you beat the rhythm into my thighs
You send the pounding pulse inside
And my moans become the screams
That translate your melody
Into my harmony
Bridging the
Arch
That contorts my body to the beat of your drum

As the sweat pours over your beautiful face
As the sweet sap pours out of my place
My pleasure is so intense
As your tongue tastes the
Nectar that
Overflows
Engulfs
And immerses you in the pond of my pleasure

And as I talk to your body with my tongue
And take you into my mouth as I wait
For an eruption from my indulgence
To free your urgency
On my flesh
In my flesh
Swallowed
With the thirst that can only be satisfied by YOU


You grab my hips with the hands
That will pierce my flesh with pain
As you satisfy my craving
To be punished
Chastised
Overpowered
Asphyxiated
By the tempestuous passion that hurts so good


And then my screams surge to deafening clamor
And the intensity of your pulse accelerates into one beat
The slapping of our skins is muted
As the enchantment begins to
Suffocate
Intoxicate
Entrance
Our bodies into delectable satisfaction

You are inside me and you are inside me
I am around you and and I am through you
We are connected in physicality
Consummated in our love
Hypnotized
Mesmerized
Captivated
And entranced by the lust that will not be controlled.

Our fantasy is in our ecstasy
Our reality is a fantasy
Of the fusion of our lives
As we entangle our desires
Completely
Entirely
Savagely
In the beauty of our vicious eroticism.

Beat me with your deepest desires
Execute me from the inside out
Let me retaliate with my warmth
Let me wreak havoc with my hips
Molest me
Lick me
Punish me
FUCK ME into oblivious, pleasurable, suffocating SILENCE.



10/22/2008, MAH

Nothing Personal...

So again, I am in the dark...in silence...being ignored.

However, it's a lot more clear to me this time.

We've had conversations about past hurt...past relationships, just getting through and over the things that haunt you from your past.

I know where he's at. I remember how helpless I felt when I didn't know if my life was going this way or that, up or down. I rejected help and masked my own confusion and hurt with the illusion that I had it all together and I was FINE. There was nothing worse for me than thinking those exact people who had got me down were doing better than me and there was no way that I would let them see how much I was really suffering.

In hindsight, my over-reactiveness to my own situation should have shown how out of control I really was to anybody that truly cared. And those people that reveled in my misery, that got joy out of my pain-I learned how to weed them out and throw them away. It is a process.

In the midst, I am still always thinking of how he prides himself on being fair, nice, caring to those who have hurt him because I really have to wonder how it is that I can't get those same basic respects? I start to feel bad for the things that I couldn't do for him...but then I realize I didn't have to DO anything.

Does he appreciate who I am? Does he know the support and love that I have to offer?

I don't know.

He said I take things too personally, but this-I am not going to take personal. I have got to keep it moving because part of me thinks that his necessity to feel needed would be in me having a breakdown of sorts because I can't talk to him, because there is no communication.

I know him so much better than I sometimes think he knows himself. He claims to hate these games, but it is THE games that he still plays with those he wants to have control over that is hurting him now. That inner urge to want to know that you can control somebody by the emotions that they have for you because they have somehow hurt you in some way. The necessity to be needed without the knowledge of knowing that being needed by THOSE people is exactly what keeps you down.

I have felt TERRIBLE for getting my wallet stolen, being unable to provide for him as I said I could and SHOULD be able to...then I have to step back and realize that maybe these things are not going wrong because of ME-maybe it's his lesson.

So I'm stepping back-but I have got to continue to be the woman I am. A friend said "You are the woman he needs, but not the one he deserves".

He deserves everything he has coming to him, good and bad-that's out of my control.

All I have to offer is unconditional love, unwavering support, and a steadiness I'm not sure he is used to. It's his to have, but I can't force feed it down his throat. I let him know I am here and not going anywhere and that is all I can and will do.

Nothing personal.

Inaugural Address-Barack Obama 1/20/2009

My fellow citizens:
I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.
Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.
So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.
That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.
These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land -- a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.
On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.
On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.
We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.
In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted -- for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.
For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.
For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.
For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.
Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.
This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.
For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act -- not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.
Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions -- who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.
What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works -- whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account -- to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day -- because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.
Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control -- and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.
As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.
Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.
We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort -- even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.
For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.
To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.
To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.
As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment -- a moment that will define a generation -- it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.
For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.
Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.
This is the price and the promise of citizenship.
This is the source of our confidence -- the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.
This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed -- why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.
So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:
"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."
America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

America-United at Last

Moments ago, Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th and FIRST Black President of the United States of America.

"A hand raised, a nation lifted" is the caption on CNN.

Fitting.

My heart is so full it is hard to coherently place my thoughts together. First of all, God has moved. He has moved across a nation, across color lines, across hearts...across and through every barrier that ever presented itself.

This is a day that no person of any race ever thought would arrive. We hoped. In the back our minds, we hoped that one day something like this would happen-but all of us never thought we would live to see the day.

Today, as my heart is full...I thank every single person who fought to make this day possible. Every slave that got whipped without reprieve, without condolence, without justice-your wounds have been busted open today and the pain and hurt has been pushed away by victory.

For every person denied any human right because of the color of their skin, that hate today is pushed out by love. By hope. By the faith that you counted on and now you can SEE.

For everyone who has ever had a dream deemed impossible, today-you should feel unstoppable. You should feel like you have been set free to do whatever it is that you are supposed to do knowing that if it is your time, your place, your THING-God will move in an amazing way and make the impossible POSSIBLE and REAL.

The responsibility of being President is the most important job in this country...but we now stand up for a leader who looks us back firmly in the eyes and says that we are just as important. That showed us that every vote counts, every life matters, every prayer lifted him to where he is and looks back and says THANK YOU.

Behind him we stand strong. We stand confidently and dare any enemy to attack our UNITED STATES. We trust him to do what is almost impossible and he gained that trust from simply giving us hope. Showing us progress. And handing out faith by action and hope by love. Change is such a simple word, but it means more today than any words could ever give it justice.

Today I don't want to be just African American, I'm not just proud because I'm in the Democratic party...I am an American. I am an American that stood with my American brothers and sisters and demanded change, jumped head-first into progress, jump-started my faith into action and God has answered.

The 44th President has UNITED these states of America and the state OF America. And as he starts on this journey that shows no sign of being easy, even possible at all...I'm not worried. He has already done what we thought was the impossible once. And I am confident he will do it over and over again.

For anybody that needed for God to show himself, He has done it for you. And if you don't see him-then it's a YOU issue, not God's issue.

Thank you God for your grace, your continued mercy, and your eternal love.

Praise God.

We are lifted.

We are United.

At last.

My Formal De-Introduction

Miss B.C.,



You don't get the pleasure of actually reading this probably ever-but you will be used here on my blog as an example of what happens to all no-good jumpoffs, women with no sense, girls in desperate need of some kind of attention-for me and my fellow friends to laugh at you and place you where you need to be-back THERE.



Thank you SO MUCH for trying to formally introduce yourself to me on Facebook. Before I start, let me give you one word of advice-when you are trying to come off as being the "better person" you might try picking somebody you can be better than.



You know, because I've been exposed to your level of simplicity-I know where you expected this to go. You expected to send me a note with all kinds of information about MY man, with all kinds of facts you just knew I was going to just be appalled at and terribly upset. Well, much to YOUR dismay...I was absolutely amused. You see-when you have a real relationship with a real man there are no secrets between you. You actually lasted for a lot longer than the both of us had predicted for you in terms of you contacting me.



Seems to me that you think that you can make up facts, falsify stories, and play with people's lives. Then throw judgment at somebody and hide behind being a "Christian" so it doesn't seem so black and white. Well, B, everything is black and white. You just aren't grown enough to know that yet. You see, the things you tried to throw out about me to try to underhandedly demean who I am mean NOTHING to me. It is people like YOU that I thrive off of. It is people like you that remind me that there are still many trying to just be as good as me.

Now let me do you a favor, woman to woman. It is YOU that knew about ME. Do I know about you? Yes. Do I know what kind of person you are? Yes. Do I understand what kind of relationship the two of you had? Yes. Do you understand? NO.

Honey, you were a jumpoff. You were a jumpoff that was manipulated into looking like a girlfriend, but all the while, your actions, your life, just YOU show your true potential. Jump-off through and through. I won't even call you a whore, prostitute, or HO, because they all get paid for what they do. You gave your best jump-off community service. Offered all the benefits of a girlfriend while any man worth anything used you for that, but found a real woman of substance. Now you don't always have to be a jump-off. I believe we all have potential, but it seems to me that you like where you stand.

I'm not mad at you. I'd be just as foolish AS you for being upset WITH you. I do not THINK you tried to interfere with our relationship, I KNOW you have done everything you could think of to end it.

It takes two people to be stupid. I refuse to participate with you. You may continue to be an idiot all by yourself. I wish you the best, after all-you do have a son to live for. So remember THAT before you start sending childish notes about being a known jumpoff that got irresponsible with her business. You should never contact me or any woman LIKE me, because on your best day-you will NEVER be the woman I WAS in my worst hour.

Keep pushing-I look forward to always being the goal of who you wish to be.

Wishes do sometimes come true, but as long as I am me-you will ONLY be B.

Sorry.

Change...

In my own words...the worst thing you can ever do to anybody is to stop believing that they can change. The worst thing you can do to yourself is to stop trying.

I believe that for the most part I have given more people than I should the benefit of this doubt. Time and again, it is the people closest to me that show they aren't capable or they don't want to try.

Times have changed. There was a day when all that criticism would have hurt me, stayed with me, made me look down on myself...Sorry. Not anymore.

You can stand in my face and assume that I have done anything your little head can come up with. But I no longer cower down and try to explain why you are wrong about me. I don't care. I am human, I make human mistakes. And like all humans-I fix my mistakes and live with the consequences.

You can look down your nose at who I am, but no longer am I trying to stand up to who I'm trying to be. I know who I am, and if you can't see it, it is because you can not see past the flaws in yourself.

You can try to put me down, but no longer do I try to prove that I'm still on my way up. I won't be your scapegoat. I won't be the person you can always count on to look down and feel better about yourself. I won't give you the satisfaction of accepting defeat, because you can not defeat me. You would have to be stronger than me to do that-and not one of you has that. NOT ONE.

You can not make me who I am by what you think.

You can not make me who I am by what you think you KNOW.

You can not make me who I am by what you think you KNOW about ME.

And as long as you continue to think that I have not changed, it is really you that I have left behind because I never held you to any standard. I only apologized for not being all I could be when really-all I was doing was allowing you to control my opinion of my OWN SELF.

Whatever you see in me, you only recognize it because it is in YOU.

For as long as you try to put me down, that is as long as you are trying to still feel good about you.

I will not stop believing that you can change.

And I will not stop changing for your benefit. If you don't get better, that is on you.

If you don't try harder, that is on you.

If you don't change, that is YOUR choice-not my doing.

So to my mother,
father,
sister...

You can't put me down any longer because I'm not there for you to control.

The faults that you try to place on me are your own and then you beg for my patience, strength, and understanding to help you in your life. I give it freely without judgement, and I give you all love unselfishly wanting NOTHING from you in return. But-I refuse to be held back by a closed mind, a judgemental attitude, and your inability to see me for who I am because of your own insecurities.

I made my own choices, I suffered my own consequences.

And I have suffered ENOUGH.

You are my blood...but you don't possess the blood that gives me renewed life, renewed spirit, renewed faith.

You are my family...but I don't have to accept what you have to offer.

You are not my friends.

The changes keep coming in me...

What will you decide to do?


So I am sorry if you feel like I am being disagreeable in your eyes. In my eyes, you are being ridiculous.

I am sorry if you feel like I haven't done all the things I should have. In my shoes, you would have known the path that I have walked has not been easy-but I didn't stop. Not even when YOU gave up on me.

I am sorry if you don't agree with my ways. In my life, your ways will get me nowhere but to where you ARE. It's not my goal to be miserable. It's not my goal to be unhappy. It is not my goal to accept where I am and stay there.

So as I ascend on my upward path, I hope you will ascend up yours and not stand in the crossways of all that life has to offer you and sink in the quicksand of judgement of others and hate that fills you. Strong words for you? The truth is always a force to be reckoned with.

And it is not that I don't see your point of view...it is that I am so far past where you are it is impossible for me to care about your journey because then I can't get ahead in mine.

I know that this might be hard for you to understand because for many years, you've been able to stop me right in my tracks.

I'm not a follower, and I don't expect to be YOUR leader. But my life is mine. I am responsible for it, and I know that you don't want the burden of knowing you held me back.

Fortunately for you, you don't get that much credit from me. I forgive all of you, but I don't forget the pain inflicted on my heart because of the incompleteness in yours. Don't worry, I'm not mad about it, it has made me stronger. So thank you for my STRENGTH, and that is all the thanks you get from me.

Change will happen...

You can either get with it or let it pass you by.

I believe you CAN change.

Will you? Don't give up on yourself, I believe you can do it.

As for me, I will not ever stop trying to change for what I believe is better for me and my family...

MY family, not you.

And if you do not understand my words...it's okay.

You don't have to understand me...just know that I understand every simple thing about you.

Change.

It is what YOU need.

Not what I require. Unlike you, I accept you for who you are.

And I learn what NOT to be.

Change.

I'm still changing.

Don't focus on my change-concentrate on yours.

Change.

The love will never change-
but...
Can you change the love?

Change...

To my Grandmother...

For my whole life, I have wanted nothing more than to sit in your presence. To know the woman who has endured so much, has fought so hard, who sacrificed so many things, who ended up with so much.

You gave me one of the greatest gifts I have ever known and will ever know, my mother. Her words of wisdom from you, stay with me. Her anecdotes of her childhood with you have taught me lessons in my life. Her stories of your struggles put mine into minute perspective. Her admiration and adoration of you makes me love you all the more because she is a woman that I admire more than anybody-so to know the person that she loves so much would be an honor.

I am praying for you. I am hoping that although you have never touched my face or held my hand that you know that I am with you and holding you in my heart. I am hoping that even though you don't know my childhood, my life, or anything about me, you know that I love you because you are part of me. The strength that my mother has, the perseverence, the support she shows, the patience, the long-suffering but always ever present love comes from you and I love you for that. I could only be so blessed and honored to know the woman that my mother gives all the credit to, because I can't imagine there being anybody else as great as she in this world, but I know there is you.

I have heard stories of your sense of humor, your stubbornness, your will to live, your persistence to survive, and your unwavering faith. I see it in my mother. I hope that I have it too.

The sacrifices you have made for your children is reflected in the love, support, and respect they have for you. I hope it is reflected in that respect that I have for you too because I can only hope that if faced with the obstacles that you have faced that I could look them in the eye, stare right back, and never back down like you did.

Even though your presence and my being have never met, I am inspired by your will to live every moment. I am inspired by your zest for life at all times. I am overwhelmed by the love that you so freely give and share. I am awed by the forgiveness I know is in you. I am motivated by the example that you have set as a mother, a wife, a friend...and my grandmother.

I don't know you, but I know you. The hurt you have endured equals strength in your daughters, courage inside of me, and faith in my own child. Your story lives in my heart. Your life is precious to me. Your example is one I could only hope to obtain, and I promise you to keep trying.

I promise you that I will honor my mother as she has honored you. I will love her with all the love that any child could possibly give to a mother. I have hurt her, I have disappointed her, and I have not been all that I could be-but she loved me anyway. I have failed, I have fallen, I have been so low I didn't know which way was up, until she picked me up. I have given up on myself, and she believed in me anyway. She has so much love, so much faith, so much understanding...she has made you so proud.

And now, I believe you are on a journey to meet our Heavenly Father where you can live as freely as you wish in the kingdom of Heaven. My heart aches only because while you were an angel on earth-I never had the opportunity to meet you. I know your heart-I see her everyday.

I don't know you, but I know you.
I've never seen you, but I see you.

But, I have always loved you. I always will.

Stay strong grandmother...she is coming home, and she brings with her a piece of all of us. I hope you take it with you and know that we cherish you, we love you, and we will meet you one day.

I pray for your strength.
I pray for your health.
I pray for you, always.

But if God sees fit to lead you home, I know it is his will, it his way, and I will not doubt it.

I will rejoice through my tears.
We will lift each other up through our pain.
We will bring this family together one day-I promise.

And if it is his will that you ascend into the heavens...
You will then know my heart.
You will then know my love.
You will then know me.

You showed her love.
She has given it to us.
I am offering it back to you.

Thank you.

She's not here anymore...

Life is full of ups and downs.

I started this blog as my heart, my soul, my total being was in turmoil.

Somehow, things rectified themself and I got back the one thing I was the most sure about ever in my life. Things have been good, but not easy.

So, I am at a point again where I'm just waiting to be told that I'm "not it", except for this time...I won't fall apart and I am hoping and praying it doesn't come to this. I know what it's like to be at a point where you don't know how life got to be where it is and you don't know where it's going. I know what it's like to lay down and wish you could sleep until your problems had somehow managed to fix themselves. I know what it's like to feel like life is handling YOU and you are not handling it.

I'm pushing too hard. Pushing too hard to save him from hurt, stress, and unnecessary anxiety in MY eyes. But it's not my life. I think I forgot so quickly that he always said he just wanted me to be "there". We progressed from this, but I see everytime things get hard-we will go back to this.

I don't deserve to be reminded of everything that he's done for me in what seems like resentment. I refuse to even make a list of all the things I have done for him because I did them because I love him, because I wanted to, and I expect NOTHING in return for what has been given out of love. But-just like the rest of them-what I did before is what I DID.

That selfish woman that protected her heart...
That selfish woman that hurt others to prevent hurting herself...
That selfish woman who only took regard to her own personal wants and needs...
That selfish woman who did things behind backs for her own personal satisfaction...
That selfish woman who took so much to only give it back in ire...

She's not here anymore.

I don't have to prove it...it can be seen.


"You are the woman he needs, but not the one he deserves"...

From a friend on the outside looking in.

He deserves everything that I have to offer him, that is my choice. But he doesn't want to need it. I'm here, I have proven that. I'm not going anywhere I have shown that.

And if my past is all that he can see, it's probably very likely that his own past is holding him back too.

I pray for him.
I pray for me.
I pray for us.

I don't hope that things will get better, I know they will.

He has a great calling on his life and I believe in him so much. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

I acted out of character, I allowed myself to be tested, because even I forgot...She's not here anymore.

Change we DO believe in

I believe that we are one week away from the most historic election that will EVER be written about in the history books.

The other day I was talking to my son and mentioned "IF Barack wins..." to which he reminded me, words have power. "WHEN BARACK WINS"

From the mouths of babes...

So I just had to put it in my own writing. I'm going to see Michelle Obama speak tonight. I can only imagine how proud I am going to be to see my first lady with her head held up high. A new, shining, PERFECT example to every young woman about what we WILL be, not what we can be.

Change.

That word has touched my heart in ways that I can't understand, because those six letters stand for so much.

It is not change that we CAN believe in.

It is change that I DO believe in.

Energizing Exhaustion

On a normal day to day basis, I fit in the events of five days into one.

On a normal day to day basis, I sleep about 2 to 6 hours and function just fine from one extreme to another.

On a normal day to day basis, I'm as sharp as a tack mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Today? I'm trying to energize my exhaustion.

Every once in a while, about every 6 months I'd say-I have to take an opportunity to catch up to myself. During this time, I realize I am HUMAN. I realize that all the while I didn't think I was actually doing THAT much I was in reality doing TOO much, as always.

I'm the ear for many mouths. I'm the shoulder for many that need someone to lean on. I'm the motivation for those that can't seem to find it. I'm the resource for the unresourceful...and when I need some time, some space, some relaxation...I'm the only one who is providing that also!

It's hard to lack the ability to let go and unleash all that you "have" and just let it be. It's hard to find somebody who is not so wrapped up in their own things to make me feel like they genuinely care about my things. I don't complain hardly ever. I'm not tired hardly ever. But once in a while, it might be nice to feel like somebody wanted to be the ear for me too. It'd be nice for someone to say "How are you" and then actually listen and not interrupt me with personal interjections or put me on hold for their life since mine seems so unimportant to them.

Then...I come back to reality. That's my role. People don't know how to be there for me when I need them...cause I just don't hardly ever need that. So, I have to energize my exhaustion, look in the mirror, and realize THAT is who is listening to me. Me.

It would be unfair of me to have hard feelings about people surrounding me not being there for me in a bigger way, when I only allow it maybe once a year. I have to be real with myself and realize that everybody can't get on MY schedule.

So, in my exhaustion-I'll find a way to create some energy. I'll open up my ears, dust my shoulder off, and keep on moving the way I always do.

Maybe I'll start taking some time to myself, FOR myself.

We'll see.

In 6 months.

The crazy nation of ARBONNE!

Want to see why else I have been SOOOOOOOO busy?

Check it out:


http://ourbonnenation.blogspot.com

And Boy DID God move...

Funny that my last post was about just how God moves.


Listen...God moved all up and through my life...and things with the MR. and I are not back to normal...they are better than ever!

I did not forget about this blog...I have written everyday and I have alot of things that just need to be published!!!


Now, it was private for a few days...but that was due to some unwanted visitors I didn't want here.

CHeck back with me...

I got some stuff for you-I just need a chance to get it up!

When God Moves

In the midst of dealing with the cards that you think life has dealt you, God has a way of moving things in and out of perspective.

Today, I received another text from Mr. But it's not a text I would have EVER wanted to receive.

"Hey folks my dad is gonna have to have emergency open heart surgery due to a torn artery...Keep my fam in prayer"

Then:

"Okay at the moment my father had a heart catheterization. He had blockage in a few arteries and a tear in one which would have resulted in open heart surgery. They called the surgeon but he was in surgery with another patient...Thus they put two stints in the arteries and will continue to monitor him over the next 5 days. He is not out of the woods yet and open heart surgery is still very much an option...So keep us lifted!..."

When your heart falls, you can literally hear and feel the thud in your chest. I was overtaken with emotion, fear, and so I just moved into action like I do. I sent this prayer request to all the people that I know believe and can testify to the power of prayer. I took a moment and put everything else in my head to the side so that I could take a moment and just ask God to have his way and help us understand his will. To strengthen this man and to touch his body and help him to be well.

The butterflies have been dancing in my stomach ever since. It's not about me right now. It's about this family. I believe that God has been in their midst. Touching and healing the relationships. Giving understanding to past situations and giving motivation for current relationships. In the family-not outside, but in the family. Today, it occurred to me while I was in prayer that none of this has been about me. The whole thing has been about Mr., and that's why it was so hard for me to understand.

Did God move me out of the way so that he could work in this family? Has he kept my heart so close and full because I do have a place, just not a time right now? Has he built me up in his word, in my faith, in his will because I wasn't where I needed to be? I can only think that I have these questions because God put them on my heart.

I can not imagine the pain and turmoil that his mom is going through, any of them. But I do know that they know that God is at work. What an awesome accomplishment for a man to have led his family to God first and to know that in the midst of whatever falls before them, God will lead them around it. God will guide them. God will never let them down. I know that they know that.

I have prayed for restoration in their marriage for a long time. I have witnessed the love that they have for each other. You can't fake that. I have been praying for this for so long because I thought Mr. needed something to believe in. I thought he needed to see that they could work it through so he wouldn't have such hard feelings about it. I wanted something to believe in too. Everybody has problems, no relationship is perfect, and every relationship is work. And it has occurred to me that we should ALL know that based on the amount of work it has taken every one of us to get close to God, to stay close to God, to stay faithful, to remain obedient.

We have all failed at one time or another. But human nature makes us question ourself when we do it to others. I have sat here and prayed and prayed and prayed for his recovery. Thinking about what might happen to each one of them individually-then reminding myself to not even THINK that negativity or possibility into existence.

It doesn't feel like I'm praying for someone else's family. I feel like I'm praying for MY family. I may not know them all, but I love them all. Because of the man that MR. is, it made me respect each and every person IN his family. I always felt welcome, and although human nature lends us to doing, saying, or acting in ways that are not in line with what our beliefs are-I felt like I was part of that family. Mr. and I were so close in who WE were, I felt like they were part of me, too.

I'm praying for them. Any thoughts that cloud any one of their minds about what they could have done or said, I'm asking God to take that away. Take away any guilt, any nervousness, any anxiety, any sadness. Take it all away and replace it with the confidence and understanding that God will hand each one of them a victory when this is all said and done. I'm praying for strength, for understanding, for increased faith where it starts to falter.

God has moved and showed me that even where I thought I was weak, I'm still strong in HIM. It is God who strengthens me and gives me wisdom. Who continually shows me how blessed I am, continually shows me that he is working, continually lightens the darkness that I struggle with from day to day.

If you are reading this-I'm asking you to pray for Mr., his father, and his family.

God is moving, there is no doubt about that. Because when he moves, we ALL feel it.

God is moving now.

He is always moving, it is just our choice to move on our own...

or move WITH him.

Thanks and I'm OK

This is the response I got.

I sent him a short e-mail just because I wanted to reach out to him and let him know I am still here. This was the response.

To this I just responded "ok"

And he asked "How are you?"

My response:

:-). I'm glad you are okay

Mr.: How are you?
Me: Easy question...but not an easy answer. I just wanted you to know I'm here and I love you. That's all.
Mr.: I'm sorry
Me: Don't be. Everything I said is exactly what I wanted you to know. That is all. I didn't mean to interfere or bother you-I know your heart. I just want you to be happy. Really.

And after a couple minutes I added:
"And I didn't want you to think I am angry. That is all...now really :-)

Mr.: I see

And that is it.

One simple conversation. An unbelievable amount of feelings. An unbearable amount of confusion. An unspeakable amount of pain.

At least he didn't come back and just say "Yeah, don't contact me".

At least he cares how I am doing.
What was I supposed to say? I'm heartbroken. Confused. Sad. Upset. Hurt. And still in love with you? And even the few words I did say I play them over and over. Did I say too much? Did I not say enough? Did telling him that's all I had to say translate to him that I don't want to say anything else?

I do know his heart. I know that he never wishes to hurt other people, and I feel like that "I'm sorry"...that's it. He said he was sorry-so now he won't feel guilty about it.

Does he know what I'm going through? Does he know how bad my heart hurts? Does he know how scared I am that that is the last conversation we will ever have?

Or is he okay? Is he really okay?

I want him to be okay, but I really want him to be okay with ME.

This is so hard. I thought that talking to him would make things easier. I thought hearing from him would make me somehow feel better.

Instead, I have more questions now than I did before.

I'm more hurt now than I was before.

And for as long as I haven't cried...now I'm crying all over again.

For as long as my stomach hasn't been flipping nervously...now I'm back to hardly being able to even hold water down.

And for as long as I thought I was getting better...my heart is broken all over again.

I make it from day to day just knowing that the next day will be better because I've gotten stronger. Today, I don't feel any stronger than I was yesterday.

Today-I am back HERE again.

"Thanks and I'm OK"

I am not okay.

I am a lot of things...okay is not one of them.

"No Way. No How. No McCain!"

Following is the text of Hilary R. Clinton's speech given at the Democratic National convention. I am not a big Hilary fan at all, but I think it is of UTMOST importance that we all stay positive, prayerful, and optimistic about this time.

I am honored to be here tonight. A proud mother. A proud Democrat. A proud American. And a proud supporter of Barack Obama.

My friends, it is time to take back the country we love.

Whether you voted for me, or voted for Barack, the time is now to unite as a single party with a single purpose. We are on the same team, and none of us can sit on the sidelines.

This is a fight for the future. And it's a fight we must win.

I haven't spent the past 35 years in the trenches advocating for children, campaigning for universal health care, helping parents balance work and family, and fighting for women's rights at home and around the world ... to see another Republican in the White House squander the promise of our country and the hopes of our people.

And you haven't worked so hard over the last 18 months, or endured the last eight years, to suffer through more failed leadership.

No way. No how. No McCain.

Barack Obama is my candidate. And he must be our president.

Tonight we need to remember what a presidential election is really about. When the polls have closed, and the ads are finally off the air, it comes down to you — the American people, your lives, and your children's futures.

For me, it's been a privilege to meet you in your homes, your workplaces, and your communities. Your stories reminded me everyday that America's greatness is bound up in the lives of the American people — your hard work, your devotion to duty, your love for your children, and your determination to keep going, often in the face of enormous obstacles.

You taught me so much, you made me laugh, and ... you even made me cry. You allowed me to become part of your lives. And you became part of mine.

I will always remember the single mom who had adopted two kids with autism, didn't have health insurance and discovered she had cancer. But she greeted me with her bald head painted with my name on it and asked me to fight for health care.

I will always remember the young man in a Marine Corps T-shirt who waited months for medical care and said to me: "Take care of my buddies; a lot of them are still over there ... and then will you please help take care of me?"

I will always remember the boy who told me his mom worked for the minimum wage and that her employer had cut her hours. He said he just didn't know what his family was going to do.

I will always be grateful to everyone from all fifty states, Puerto Rico and the territories, who joined our campaign on behalf of all those people left out and left behind by the Bush Administration.

To my supporters, my champions — my sisterhood of the traveling pantsuits — from the bottom of my heart: Thank you.

You never gave in. You never gave up. And together we made history.

Along the way, America lost two great Democratic champions who would have been here with us tonight. One of our finest young leaders, Arkansas Democratic Party Chair, Bill Gwatney, who believed with all his heart that America and the South could be and should be Democratic from top to bottom.

And Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, a dear friend to many of us, a loving mother and courageous leader who never gave up her quest to make America fairer and smarter, stronger and better. Steadfast in her beliefs, a fighter of uncommon grace, she was an inspiration to me and to us all.

Our heart goes out to Stephanie's son, Mervyn, Jr., and Bill's wife, Rebecca, who traveled to Denver to join us at our convention.

Bill and Stephanie knew that after eight years of George Bush, people are hurting at home, and our standing has eroded around the world. We have a lot of work ahead.

Jobs lost, houses gone, falling wages, rising prices. The Supreme Court in a right-wing headlock and our government in partisan gridlock. The biggest deficit in our nation's history. Money borrowed from the Chinese to buy oil from the Saudis.

Putin and Georgia, Iraq and Iran.

I ran for president to renew the promise of America. To rebuild the middle class and sustain the American Dream, to provide the opportunity to work hard and have that work rewarded, to save for college, a home and retirement, to afford the gas and groceries and still have a little left over each month.

To promote a clean energy economy that will create millions of green collar jobs.

To create a health care system that is universal, high quality, and affordable so that parents no longer have to choose between care for themselves or their children or be stuck in dead end jobs simply to keep their insurance.

To create a world class education system and make college affordable again.

To fight for an America defined by deep and meaningful equality — from civil rights to labor rights, from women's rights to gay rights, from ending discrimination to promoting unionization to providing help for the most important job there is: caring for our families. To help every child live up to his or her God-given potential.

To make America once again a nation of immigrants and a nation of laws.

To bring fiscal sanity back to Washington and make our government an instrument of the public good, not of private plunder.

To restore America's standing in the world, to end the war in Iraq, bring our troops home and honor their service by caring for our veterans.

And to join with our allies to confront our shared challenges, from poverty and genocide to terrorism and global warming.

Most of all, I ran to stand up for all those who have been invisible to their government for eight long years.

Those are the reasons I ran for president. Those are the reasons I support Barack Obama. And those are the reasons you should too.

I want you to ask yourselves: Were you in this campaign just for me? Or were you in it for that young Marine and others like him? Were you in it for that mom struggling with cancer while raising her kids? Were you in it for that boy and his mom surviving on the minimum wage? Were you in it for all the people in this country who feel invisible?

We need leaders once again who can tap into that special blend of American confidence and optimism that has enabled generations before us to meet our toughest challenges. Leaders who can help us show ourselves and the world that with our ingenuity, creativity, and innovative spirit, there are no limits to what is possible in America.

This won't be easy. Progress never is. But it will be impossible if we don't fight to put a Democrat in the White House.

We need to elect Barack Obama because we need a President who understands that America can't compete in a global economy by padding the pockets of energy speculators, while ignoring the workers whose jobs have been shipped overseas. We need a president who understands that we can't solve the problems of global warming by giving windfall profits to the oil companies while ignoring opportunities to invest in new technologies that will build a green economy.

We need a President who understands that the genius of America has always depended on the strength and vitality of the middle class.

Barack Obama began his career fighting for workers displaced by the global economy. He built his campaign on a fundamental belief that change in this country must start from the ground up, not the top down. He knows government must be about "We the people" not "We the favored few."

And when Barack Obama is in the White House, he'll revitalize our economy, defend the working people of America, and meet the global challenges of our time. Democrats know how to do this. As I recall, President Clinton and the Democrats did it before. And President Obama and the Democrats will do it again.

He'll transform our energy agenda by creating millions of green jobs and building a new, clean energy future. He'll make sure that middle class families get the tax relief they deserve. And I can't wait to watch Barack Obama sign a health care plan into law that covers every single American.

Barack Obama will end the war in Iraq responsibly and bring our troops home _a first step to repairing our alliances around the world.

And he will have with him a terrific partner in Michelle Obama. Anyone who saw Michelle's speech last night knows she will be a great first lady for America.

Americans are also fortunate that Joe Biden will be at Barack Obama's side. He is a strong leader and a good man. He understands both the economic stresses here at home and the strategic challenges abroad. He is pragmatic, tough, and wise. And, of course, Joe will be supported by his wonderful wife, Jill.

They will be a great team for our country.

Now, John McCain is my colleague and my friend.

He has served our country with honor and courage.

But we don't need four more years ... of the last eight years.

More economic stagnation ... and less affordable health care.

More high gas prices ... and less alternative energy.

More jobs getting shipped overseas ... and fewer jobs created here.

More skyrocketing debt ... home foreclosures ... and mounting bills that are crushing our middle class families.

More war ... less diplomacy.

More of a government where the privileged come first ... and everyone else comes last.

John McCain says the economy is fundamentally sound. John McCain doesn't think that 47 million people without health insurance is a crisis. John McCain wants to privatize Social Security. And in 2008, he still thinks it's OK when women don't earn equal pay for equal work.

With an agenda like that, it makes sense that George Bush and John McCain will be together next week in the Twin Cities. Because these days they're awfully hard to tell apart.

America is still around after 232 years because we have risen to the challenge of every new time, changing to be faithful to our values of equal opportunity for all and the common good.

And I know what that can mean for every man, woman, and child in America. I'm a United States senator because in 1848 a group of courageous women and a few brave men gathered in Seneca Falls, New York, many traveling for days and nights, to participate in the first convention on women's rights in our history.

And so dawned a struggle for the right to vote that would last 72 years, handed down by mother to daughter to granddaughter — and a few sons and grandsons along the way.

These women and men looked into their daughters' eyes, imagined a fairer and freer world, and found the strength to fight. To rally and picket. To endure ridicule and harassment. To brave violence and jail.

And after so many decades — 88 years ago on this very day — the 19th amendment guaranteeing women the right to vote would be forever enshrined in our Constitution.

My mother was born before women could vote. But in this election my daughter got to vote for her mother for president.

This is the story of America. Of women and men who defy the odds and never give up.

How do we give this country back to them?

By following the example of a brave New Yorker, a woman who risked her life to shepherd slaves along the Underground Railroad.

And on that path to freedom, Harriet Tubman had one piece of advice.

If you hear the dogs, keep going.

If you see the torches in the woods, keep going.

If they're shouting after you, keep going.

Don't ever stop. Keep going.

If you want a taste of freedom, keep going.

Even in the darkest of moments, ordinary Americans have found the faith to keep going.

I've seen it in you. I've seen it in our teachers and firefighters, nurses and police officers, small business owners and union workers, the men and women of our military — you always keep going.

We are Americans. We're not big on quitting.

But remember, before we can keep going, we have to get going by electing Barack Obama president.

We don't have a moment to lose or a vote to spare.

Nothing less than the fate of our nation and the future of our children hang in the balance.

I want you to think about your children and grandchildren come election day. And think about the choices your parents and grandparents made that had such a big impact on your life and on the life of our nation.

We've got to ensure that the choice we make in this election honors the sacrifices of all who came before us, and will fill the lives of our children with possibility and hope.

That is our duty, to build that bright future, and to teach our children that in America there is no chasm too deep, no barrier too great — and no ceiling too high — for all who work hard, never back down, always keep going, have faith in God, in our country, and in each other.

Thank you so much. God bless America and Godspeed to you all.

Loving ME First

The urge to contact him does not get weaker by the day. I think my strength to overcome that just gets stronger.

This is hard to explain. I remember having a conversation with him where he told me that although I wasn't serious about past boyfriends like I am about him, that if anything ever did happen to never go back to being like I was. I was very touched by his sentiment. I told him that although he can look at these guys like they were scoundrels, I was nothing to nod at either.

I mean, historically-I dropped any man that sniffed at being "in love" with me. And I could never understand why they even felt that way when I never gave them any notion that my feelings were headed that way. And Mr. told me that I was a beautiful person. That people can see who I really am no matter how I try to hide it. That I deserved so much more.

I appreciated that. I told him no one had ever told me that, and I wasn't lying. And after he said that, I had a new outlook on it...because nobody should have to tell YOU how great YOU are. You should know it for yourself. Easier said than done? Of course. At the time, I was just so thankful that he really articulated this for me. It was very special to me.

At that time, I never expected to be here. Wondering why and how he could treat me like this. A two minute conversation and then nothing to follow it up with, just a multitude of questions that have not been answered and pain I could have never imagined existed.

To be honest, in some ways I may deserve this. This is EXACTLY what I did to him two years ago. But...things were not going well. It wasn't just a small argument and then I snapped and just told him "You just don't cut it homeboy!" If memory serves me correctly, I don't think I called after that...but prior to me telling him I didn't think things were working out, we were barely talking anyway.

It KILLS me everyday to not hear from him. But I think he absolutely expected me to contact him and beg him for another chance. As I look back over things, I was always quick to make it very easy to place the blame on me because I don't have any problem admitting when I'm wrong. I don't have any problem taking responsibility when I'm wrong...but in this situation...I don't see what I did wrong. I may have brought our communication problems to the forefront, but it was just in a gesture to work through things the way they WERE, not as they were to be perceived. All I did was have a standard for how I will and will not be treated. And in that standard, I also understood that I would be held to whatever his standard was as well.

A friend asked me today what was keeping me from contacting him. I don't have a good way to explain it. It's a multitude of things. First, if he needs some time...I don't see how contacting him is going to help in any way. I know that when I am angry, I need time to sort my own feelings out. I have enough respect for him that I can just let it be. He did not tell me not to contact him, but if you would have heard the tone of his voice-be assured, you would not call either.

There's a part of me that beats myself up CONSTANTLY because I didn't get on that plane the next day. Make him face me. Make him talk to me. Make it work. But he said himself-he wanted to let me know before I came out there because he didn't want to patch it up and make everything SEEM like it was working. I honestly felt like if I went out there I was setting myself up for so much failure. I have already fought for this relationship...I felt like that was a losing battle. I hope in his mind he didn't take that as a sign of defeat, or as a gesture that I did not care. I wanted to respect his space. And really, I was scared of rejection. At that point, I couldn't take any more pain.

And really, what it comes down to-is that I love that man with every breath I have in me, with every ounce of my soul...but I LOVE ME FIRST. I sent a small note to him and I feel like I opened the door of communication to let him know that I am here. Maybe it was not enough, I thought it was.

I re-read over and over again the e-mail that I was going to send to him and it occurs to me that that e-mail is about ME. It's an explanation of my feelings, and once again a very easy way for him to blame ME. And really, his actions may not be about me or anything I did. What kills me is not knowing. What hurts me is that he might be going through something, and I want to be there for him. I AM still here for him.

And because I know him, I often think that he keeps himself angry with thoughts that I may call someone else, or "fill" his spot. That is so NOT ME anymore. And while I want to reach out to him so that he knows that that is not true...the indignant part of me says that I SHOWED him that I AM different now. Why would I go backward? Why would I go back to contacting these people that mean nothing to me? Why would I go back to letting someone waste my time? Why would I allow anybody else to ever use me again? I won't. That's a change I have made. If he didn't see that change, I'm sorry. IF he doesn't realize that the way that I love him helped me change, I'm sorry. If he doesn't know that I meant that I will always be here for him because he IS the love of my life, I'm sorry. But I tried with all of my might, I gave all of my heart, I gave as much of my soul as a person can give. So really, I don't think I have anything to be sorry for.

I'm not perfect, but I never claimed to be. I KNOW that I may be hard to put up with, I know I can be a little feisty at times, but I also know I gave him 200% of me. I love him. My heart breaks a little more each day. My soul cries out for him every moment, but if I don't have anything else-I do have my self-respect.

All the things he said about me, yes it was nice. He told me to never let anybody else use me like that, to never let anybody hurt me again. Was he including himself in that direction?

I love him, that has not changed. I'm here for HIM and only him, that has not changed. But there is a part of me that says if I reach out and lay my heart out and make up all the excuses...then I am saying it is ok to hurt me like this, and it's not.

Everyday I hope that he can feel how much I love him.
Everyday I pray that we can work this out.
Everyday I pray for him, I pray for me, I pray for us.

And everyday, as I fight the urge to beg him to give me another chance and open up e-mails that I never send, I realize how much I really do love me.
I realize how much I've been through.
I realize how much credit I really deserve.
I realize that I have loved someone more than I ever thought possible.

And in that realization, I realize that I could have never loved him that much if I didn't love me first.

If I didn't love me, I would have nothing to offer.

And the fact of the matter is that if he came back to me right this second I would accept him with open arms and we could forget this happened. But I didn't leave him, so it makes no sense for me to go back to something I never left. I'm here.

I need to stop wondering what I did wrong.
I need to stop replaying what I could have done in my head.
I need to just stop.

Love isn't enough.
But love IS enough.

You just have to know who to love.

You have to know that that WHO is YOU.

I love me, first.

Michelle Obama, You are amazing!

The events of my personal life will have to take a back seat to the HISTORY that is happening right in this state.

If you didn't see Michelle Obama's speech, you did yourself a disservice.
Here is a link:
Michelle Obama's Speech

Black people, minority people, ALL people that have been waiting for a CHANGE should be on this man's team regardless of whether you agree 100% with his views or NOT!

Try to grasp what this CHANGE really entails.

CHANGE we can believe in.

Absolutely!

Educate yourself. No time like the present!!

Barack Obama's Website
Website of the Democratic National Convention

Mean what you say!

While walking around the lake yesterday, I had an "experience" I guess I will call it.

Let me first explain the scenario. The lake is in a central area of town. The scenery is beautiful, as are most places in this area. However, it would be considered to be in a part of town where "questionable" activities often take place. I think I go to the lake because it gives me some rest from the chaos in my own head. Sometimes I laugh at what I see, sometimes I'm touched by what I see, but I'm almost always amused.

Everyday, there is a group of men who have gathered at the lake with their coolers at hand and bicycles parked nearby. They sit on a picnic table located between two trees and they play dominoes. Now I often am at the lake at various times of the day, and without fail-they are there. I've often been envious of the simplicity that their day to day lives must entail. Just an outside observation.

Everyday, there are dozens of kids on the playground. Seems that now that school has started it's usually a daycare group or something of the sort. Mixed in will be parents with their children. Either watching them play, or sitting and reading while they play. The site of this is sweet to me...then it makes my stomach turn...but I always just walk past it with a smile on my face. Someday.

Everyday there are couples either walking around the lake or sitting by the lake. It often makes me sad...but then I just pray that they have the kind of love I had. And I pray they appreciate it. Nothing like not knowing the worth of something until it's gone.

And everyday, there is me. Walking that mile and a half and pondering whatever it is that is in and around my mind that day. It allows me to exert my restlessness, nervousness, anxiety, sadness and whatever else I may be feeling.

Often while walking around the lake you will either walk past somebody or cross paths with somebody going the other way. To be honest, I'm usually so lost in my thoughts they don't get any recognition from me at all. However, when it's one of "us", I usually nod my head or say "how you doing?" in rhetoric because that's what we do.

Yesterday I was walking along deep in thought. A man approached me, and as I said "How you doing" he at the same time said "Good day to you, my sister". And because he said it so loud and my words were soft, he didn't hear me. I kept walking. He must have stopped and turned around. He said "I SAID Good day to you! You can't speak?!!" I kept on walking. I don't have time for buffoonery. And a couple moments passed by and he screamed "F**K YOU!". I laughed out loud.

I actually needed that laugh, and actually I needed that dissection of my thoughts so that I had something new to think about. The lake is a circle, so I wondered if I would cross his path again. But I didn't. I thought about him while walking. YOu know, how silly would he feel if he had known I did acknowledge him? And regardless of if I did or not, was it necessary to curse at me because I didn't repay his greeting?

It reminded me of a certain e-mail I should have never read. It reminded me of exactly what I said about the person that read that. You know, we never know WHOSE path we are crossing. When we offer a greeting to someone in passing, they just may really need that greeting. Maybe that person is looking for someone to really reach out to them and a simple "hello" will give them that uplift that they need. So to me, it is very important to mean what you say. And say it not because you expect something back, but because you really mean it. If you really mean to wish somebody a good day-say it, mean it, and then keep it moving!!

What if I had been really down and out and that last EFF YOU put me over the edge. How would that person feel if they knew that two words had caused somebody to take drastic action?

In this "events" of my life as of late-this has been a topic that resurfaces in my head. Not necessarily just saying things, but also doing them. In my opinion it is important to do and say the things that you mean because you want to, not because you expect something in return. Because really-if you don't get the things you expect back-you will be mad at the other person, but for what really? Because they couldn't read your mind and know what you expected back? I mean, if you really say and do things because you WANT to, I just think you have to believe you will receive that blessing back somewhere-but if you do things from YOUR heart because YOU want to-you shouldn't expect anything. You should feel good about doing what YOU want to do.

I wasn't largely affected by the man's words. I try not to let words hurt me. It gave me a good laugh actually. If my failure to return his greeting ruined his day...oh well. He shouldn't have depended on me or anybody else to give him what he needs.

Mean what you say.

Mean what you do.

And know that at the end of the day, if you don't-that other person may or may not care.

If you MEAN it, it shouldn't matter.