The American Dream

The American Dream
used to be
SUCCESS
through hard work
WEALTH
through working hard
FAME
by doing something
Worth being known
for.

The Golden rule
used to mean
Do unto others as
YOU
would have
THEM
Do unto
YOU
Respect of self
and one
another.

Happiness did at one
time equal
just being
HAPPY
with out strings
ATTACHED
to the
CONDITION
of being
HAPPY
because we didn't
need things for
happiness.

LOVE was at one
time the
act of actually
LOVING
without
STATUS
without
CONDITION
without
LOVING
first who one
is but what
they have in their
heart.

SADNESS once was
a time
for you to see
WHO
was there
HOW
to heal
WHO
had you
when you got
to a point so
low.

Friendship used
to include
those who were
FRIENDS
at all
TIMES
in all
SITUATIONS
for all
OCCASIONS
in all that
you did you
were never
alone.

Time has deemed
that all things
that used to
BE
have lost
MEANING
have lost
DEPTH
and are
EMPTY
in emotion
in doing
in being
anything.

The American Dream
is now to
do the very
LEAST
but get the
MOST
for
NOTHING
that you
don't deserve
any credit
for.

The Golden Rule
now dull
means to do for
YOU
and
YOU
and
OTHERS
when they
are necessary
in your fake
happiness.

Happiness now
is equal
to acting
HAPPY
with out feeling
ATTACHED
to emptiness with the
CONDITION
that you act
HAPPY
because you can't
remember what
really is your
happiness.

Love is mostly
pretending
that you are actually
LOVING
pretending not to notice
STATUS
completely contingent on
CONDITION
and nothing to do with
LOVING
anything except
the mirage of something
that doesn't exist in your empty
heart.

Sadness replaces love
all the time
until you realize
WHO
you are
HOW
you got here
WHO
doesn't care
and how you can
make it back
up from being so
low.

Friendship is void
of anyone
you actually call
FRIENDS
because at all
TIMES
in all
SITUATIONS
in all
OCCASIONS
you now
realize that you
are always
alone.

Time has won
because it goes on
and who we used to
BE
has no
MEANING
has no
DEPTH
but is not
EMPTY
because it goes on
It goes forward
as we should in
anything.

And Time defines
your DREAM
your RULE
your HAPPINESS
your LOVE
your SADNESS
your FRIENDSHIP
so you must
take them back
as time goes forward
before you lose
everything.

Your American DREAM
should RULE
your HAPPINESS
shine on your LOVE
deal with your SADNESS
define your FRIENDSHIP
as you take YOU back
let time go FORWARD
and never lose
your
something.

A love letter to my son...

I'm not sure where to start
I'm not sure this will ever end
But I know my life wasn't complete
Until the day that yours began

You have grown into your own person
Full of your own hopes and dreams
You give me joy, you give me light
You gave me the very best part of me

Your wisdom is beyond your years
Your insight sometimes that of a grown man
Your faith takes all my worries away
You already know with Him, you CAN.

Through your eyes, I see a whole new world
Through your heart I can love so much more
With you beside me in all that I do
I don't know how I did it before.

The unconditional love for me
Even though my standard is high
You seem to know that I have that same love for you
Even when we're not in strong "like"!

The way you pour out your little heart
Has shown me it is in no way small
The way you care for every person you meet
The way you see with no boundaries, no walls...

God has blessed you with such amazing gifts
I will never take credit for any of those
Your love, your compassion, your talent, your path-
It is you, not I, that he chose.

The way you take it all before God
And let it go and know it is done
The faith, the hope, the love in your heart
You are blessed, amazing little one.

No money could ever give me this wealth
That I have achieved just having your love
Nothing could ever have made my life better
You don't even know all that you've done.

I told you that my lingering hope
is for you to be BETTER than me
And you asked, "Mommy, you are the best...
I don't think I could EVER be!"

You're sentiment, so endearing, yet so untrue
The world is yours to have at your feet
You are already better than I, my son
A heart and soul, so pure-so sweet.

You see, I would not be all that I am
Had I never been blessed with you
You give me renewed inspiration every day
A purpose in everything that I do.

My greatest fear is to let you down
To not measure up to who you deserve
To not be the role model you need in your life
To fail to return all that love.

All I can do is try my best
Teach you as well as I know now
I might not always be right everytime
But God will never let you down.

Do not ever put your trust in man
Even I, though I hope not to, will fail
The problem is not a problem for God
He will show you he always prevails.

And when you feel you have failed yourself
My son, don't ever look back
I'm not here to remind you of what you didn't do
I'm here to help you stay on track.

No words could ever correctly describe
The love in my heart for you
Not millions of hugs, kisses, or custom handshakes
Could show you the absolute truth.

I've never known a love like this
I'll be here to catch you should you ever fall.
You are the very best thing that I have
You are my love, my life, my ALL.

I hear you talking...

Girl-You got it all together for yourself
You got goals, dreams, and a vision so right
I just need to fit in to all of that
I need to feel like a part of your life

I hear you talking those words so sweet
You can serve bullshit, but I don't have to eat.

Girl-you are everything a man could ask for
You are everything anyone could want
I know I have a situation, and all
But despite my wife-it's all you...no front!

I hear you talking all the time
Same old story, same tired ass lines

Girl-how come you do so much with your friends
Why can't we do those things with each other?
I just want you, I need you-all of the time
They're just lonely haters-WE are together

I hear you talking about things you don't know
But when times get hard...where did YOU go?

Girl-I'm just trying to do my thing, you know?
I need a little support and a helping hand
I need you two hundred percent!
I'll pay you back threefold, when I can.

I hear you talking with not a dime to lend
But you want ME to be your personal ATM?

Girl-Don't listen to any of that nonsense you hear
It's all lies probably started by chicks from my past
They just don't want us to be happy
They know you and I are going to last.

I hear you talking about the birds of the feather,
But didn't you, with THEM, use to flock together?

Girl-that chick is CRAZY, I'm all stressed out
Baby Mama Drama you know how it is!
All she wants is my money or me
But all I want is to do right by my kids

I hear you talking-but why do you hate her now?
Doing right by your kids is putting her down?

Girl, why do we need to get married
You know you are my number one
Things are good, we are legit
A piece of paper will take away all the fun!

I hear you talking about what you think is right
But if I'm your one and ONLY, I should be your WIFE.

I hear you talking, believe me I hear
I hear you saying what's inside of you
Painting a picture so clearly
of You, the fool.

I hear you talking, the stories you tell
Original to you I'm sure YOU believe
But I've heard it all before
Same story, different lead.

I hear you talking, the things you say
I know I'm supposed to be so touched
I am, Oh I am-more than you know
So much so that I've had ENOUGH.

I hear from you, and you, and you
Same old stories just different day
I hear you talking, and you, and you
Too bad you just don't have NOTHING to SAY.

Of Course

Of course you are amazing

Simply the best

I could ever

Imagine

For me.

Of course you are the only one

How could I

Not save myself

Just

For you.

Of course I know that I am

Busy all the

Time with all

the "things"

I do.

Of course I'll have

time

One day for

You to come

and do

what you do.

Of course I think about

You all day

and all night

even when

Not with you.

Of course I want to

spend more time

getting to know

about you

and who you are.

Of course I know it

seems that I

don't know all

I should

but I do care.

Of course...

Of course...

Can you hold on while

I take this other

call-Sure to

be

business, of course...

Hello?

Hi...

Of course I was waiting

for you

to call me. I was

just handling some

business.

Of course I was missing

you and hoping

you would

call me soon

to talk to me.

Can you hold on
while I handle this
other call?
Of course it is
business...

Of course...

Of course...

Hello?

Hi...

Listen, you know I

just have to

handle this

call. Of course it's

business...

Of course I am missing
you and hoping
you will
see me soon
I'll get back with you.

Of course I'll call

you back at

the first

chance I get

when I get a moment.

Of course...

Of course...

Hello?

Hi...

Are you calling

because you are

on your way

to come

see me now?

Of course I want to

know about your

day and all

you did

today.

Of course you know

that I only have

a few moments

to spare

but I will for you.

Of course you should

just be on your way

and we'll talk

more

when you get here.

Of course I've been

waiting all week

to see you since

it's been so long

since I had time.

Of course I'd love to

get out but you know

I have so much

with so little

time.

Of course its just better

to spend private time

together so we don't

waste time out

together.

Of course...

Of course...

Of course you know my phone might ring-all business, of course...

Of course you know I might have to text while you're here-just business, of course...

Of course I'm listening to you. Yes I care, of course....

Of course I care about your life right now, of course...

Of course you are the only one right here, right now that I care about, of course...

Of course you know I'll be busy for awhile-business, of course...

Of course I can only make time for you-when not handling my business, of course...

Of course you are special to me right now...

Of course...

Of course...

Of course.

The Closed Door...

Keith,

It's been almost one month since you passed away. I have started this so many times-but I couldn't bring myself to finish until I realized I need to let it go.

Every morning I walk in this building, and as I get ready to go to my desk the closed door of your office reminds me that you're not here. There isn't a day that goes by that you aren't somehow brought up in conversation among us regarding work or personal lives-but it shows me that you were an important friend and mentor to all of us.

I remember when you first got diagnosed with Cancer. You wouldn't look me in the eye and I thought something was strange. You kept having closed door meetings with Larry and we all thought Larry was getting ready to retire!! I wish that's what it was. The day you brought us all together to tell us of the cancer that they found in your body was a terrible day for me. I'm sorry I had nothing to say. I'm sorry that I couldn't show you right then how important you were to me. I knew that you were watching me and watching my reaction. To see you almost break down tore me up on the inside, but I thought if I broke down too it would be too much for you. So I simply walked past you and left you the card I put in your box that day.

Your will to live amazed me. The times we got to see each other and it was YOU lifting my spirits always left me in awe of the person you were. It made me want to try harder, to work harder, to let you know there was nothing here for you to worry about. I never felt like I could fill your shoes but I wanted you to be worry free about what was going on at work.

In my heart, I knew you'd never come back to work. But, I was hoping that you would have time to spend with your family and realize that there were more important things in life than a "job".

Keith, you are the most important mentor I have ever had in my life. You believed in me at a time I wasn't sure anybody would. You gave me a voice in a company where I never thought I'd ever be relevant. And I know you would say you didn't give me anything-that I just realized my full potential. I will never EVER forget your words. I will never EVER forget your encouragement, I will never EVER forget how much you believed in me, and I hope that I never let you down.

At your memorial service, your daughter spoke of the things you instilled in her and your son. And my heart was so full because those were the things you taught me too. This with the assurance from Larry that "He liked you a lot, a whole lot" made me feel close to you.

I thank God that the last time I saw you I was led to tell you how I really felt. I'm glad I got to tell you how much I missed you being here and how much I actually respected you as a boss and loved you as a person. I don't know if I could live with that regret. I'm glad that I had an opportunity to make you smile, and I'm glad we shared laughter.

For some time, I've felt like I shouldn't still be grieving. But I think it speaks to the person you are. You changed my life. You provided me an opportunity in life to make my life better and in turn make my son's life better and I will be eternally grateful for that more than you can ever know. I hope you knew how important you are to me. I hope you knew what a difference you made in my life. I hope you knew how important our friendship was to me.

The closed door reminds me that you aren't here...

but you will live in my open heart now and forever.

I can't pay you back, but I will do my best to pay what you taught me forward.

Thank you for what you did for me.

Thank you for believing in me.

Thank you.

Looking in my Mirror

I've been trying to piece together my thoughts on Michael Jackson since the day that he passed.

I was in disbelief. I was completely heartbroken. Now, I might not have been as vocal a fan of Michael Jackson as others-but that's not my nature. As I've gotten older I haven't talked much about Michael because it always brought unwanted opinions, unwanted jokes, unwanted negativity that I had no desire to be a part of.

There are a few real ARTISTS that I have always been determined to implant in my son's musical tastes and how could Michael Jackson NOT be one of them. When they started playing the video montage's of Michael and the Jackson 5, I realized I had done him no justice. My son was mesmerized by Michael. He stayed up all night watching videos. Waking me up to ask me if I knew that Thriller was a "movie-mini". Yes, son. Waking me up again to tell me Man in the Mirror-a longtime favorite song of his-was on because he had never seen the video. Yes, son. Waking me up to tell me he had rewound the Heal the World performance and put it on the DVR and now knew the harmony. Good for you, son. Waking me up again to say "Michael Jackson was a handsome young man but look at JANET JACKSON in this video". Yes, son. And one last time before I went to bed to let me know "Michael really did bridge the gap for a lot of styles of music, Mommy". Yes, son. Still in this day and age, Michael is still magic to a generation in the making. He is the soundtrack to many generations...he is the theme music for HOPE.

It didn't hit me until I watched my son rocking back and forth to Man in the Mirror, and he looked at me with his big brown eyes and said "Mommy, he knew a little change in some of us could make a big change for all of us". And that's when the tears came. My nine year old, always speaking so plainly but always speaking something I need to hear. I'm always so thankful that it seems his voice is the voice of MY reason, MY blessings, what needs to be the reflection in MY mirror.

When he asked me what Michael did wrong, I had no desire and felt it unnecessary to explain the details to him. I told him that in my heart, I know Michael Jackson would never hurt a child. I do believe he did some things that were inappropriate for an adult to do-but not maliciously. I asked him if he could imagine a life where he couldn't go to school, couldn't play sports, couldn't do ANYTHING but make sure EVERYTHING he did was to please the millions of eyes on him. Most of us can't do right only in the eyes of God...could we be responsible for nations?? As I listen to Michael's pleas to help children around the world, to make ways to end suffering, it just breaks my heart that he couldn't save the child suffering the most-himself.

What Michael Jackson did for music will never, ever be achieved by another musician alive today-that's what I believe. He was not just an okay singer that could dance...he was not just a pretty face that could kind of carry a note, but had enough drama to create a little star power...he was not just a wanna-be artist who had mastered a computer program and could manipulate other people's songs to make it kind of his own. He was an ARTIST. A complete ARTIST. I think the biggest tragedy is that the events of his life prevented him from working with any other artist to share that talent, that vision, that MAGIC.

But his biggest accomplishment is how much he gave. I can't even comprehend the amount of love and compassion he poured out from his heart to help so many people. He set a shining example for so many people. The reminder of the example that he set for other artists, people, philanthropists, and others just makes me feel like I didn't appreciate him enough when he was here. Even if I was never to meet him-he should have been held up as a higher example.

Watching his memorial made me laugh, cry, and remember how his songs touched my life. And then I think if it touched my life like that-I can only imagine what he has done for other people. Watching his daughter extend her love to her father made me remember that we are all capable of doing so much more than we do-there are just very few of us who are willing to put ourselves out there to maximize our potential.

Listening to his music today makes me feel like I loved his music because of him, and I loved the songs because of him, but they never truly penetrated my heart, my mind, and my soul as a trinity. I am looking in my mirror, and I know that's where the change has to start.

"A little change in some of us could make a big change for all of us"
It's not the first time my son has said this...it's just the first time I really heard him.

One of the first songs I taught my son to harmonize to was "You are not alone".


And I'm not.

The Things I Will Never Do...Again.

Recently, I have found that it is interesting, sometimes liberating-sometimes suffocating, but interesting to look at your own life with renewed perspective. Looking back on the past few months, I'm just amazed at the roller coaster of emotions I've been on, but this reflection isn't bad. I feel like I've been on this ride before, but now I'm riding with my seatbelt on expecting the ups and downs instead of holding on for dear life hoping that I don't fall out.



It's hard to wrap my head around all the thoughts and put them together cohesively because there's so much. It's amazing how much breadth and freedom PEACE gives to you. There was a time when I wouldn't have been able to process barely one thing at a time because every piece of me was in turmoil. And now I understsand-PEACE that surpasses all understanding. How thankful I am that every single unexpected turn now invokes a smile and a "Thank you Jesus", instead of tears and terror. How thankful I am that every obstacle that comes my way makes me glow because I'm amazed that God is still yet making me better. And when I make mistakes now, instead of pretending like I don't know better or don't care-I feel the error right away. I am only human-but I am so much more in tune with ME.



Now on the subject of mistakes-I've made a couple that I'm not necessarily proud of, not necessarily sorry for, and not completely sure if I should consider them mistakes, personal weakness, or....??? What I can say, is that I am so proud of myself for letting myself FEEL. For working through my feelings and doing what's good for ME, doing what makes ME feel good, looking at myself in the mirror and saying "YOU DESERVE THE WORLD and it's YOURS FOR THE TAKING!"



**Sidenote**If we don't talk often, you might be confused by the names we have assigned to these men-and also-I want all my single women to get in on the nicknaming convention me and my BFF's have taken up-it's so much more fun!**



True enough, about a month ago I was absolutely conflicted with how to feel. Mr. Special Agent IS perfect, he's everything I could ever want, ask, and hope for. But he's not HERE. How can I hold on to a relationship that may or may not happen? How can I commit myself to someone that is not even sure what the next steps are in his life? Why am I trying to do that anyway? My feelings stand as they are. I think he is absolutely amazing, I stand by that. But so am I. We have talked about taking the next steps but what I realized is that it is in my nature to make it so easy for them, to do what I can to show that I'm in it 100%. I take five steps forward and just hold my hand back waiting for that person to grasp it so I can help them along. I can't do that anymore. I let him know where I STAND. I'm not moving forward without him, I'm not going anywhere. I'm HERE. And if here is where he wants to be-he can take the steps. I've shown him where my heart is, I've shown him who I am, I've shown him what he can have and that is all I will do. No more trying to figure out what I can do to be more, I'm all I NEED to be. He is amazing, but so am I. It will happen anyway that it will happen. I am here and willing. What more can I do? I've done enough. I think we could be great together, but I'm just not going to spend any more time wondering, hoping, wishing-it is what it is. It will be what it will be. I'm HERE.



So it seems that when you move on all your ex's seem to want to move in because you are "The best thing that ever happened to them". Well, guess what? I knew that when you LEFT ME. I can look back and remember when each one used to leave an imprint on what I thought was my heart, but it was really my pride. The constant questions of WHY did he do this...WHY did he do that. I realized a long time ago that no matter what someone's explanation was, it will NEVER be good enough for your heart. I had to learn that forgiveness comes from inside. Forgiveness is when you don't need an explanation, you don't need an apology, you don't need anything from that person and you don't wish harm upon them. Probably for most women the hardest thing to deal with is when a man cheats on you because you want to know what SHE had that you don't. It doesn't matter. In a lot of relationships, I would ask this question but then look at myself and realize I was only getting exactly what I was giving. And in the last with Anthony (he doesn't get a nickname, doesn't deserve any thought!), I was so shocked because I hadn't given him ANY of that. I had never done anything. My constant questions of "What else could I have done" quickly turned into realizing that it was HIM that was broken not ME, and that his exit in my life was timely, necessary, and the BEST thing for ME.



A couple weeks ago I got a visit from Mr. Physics. I don't count Mr. Physics as an ex, because he was never that special to me. I know it sounds harsh, but that's real. He is a great friend to me, we have many things in common, but to his dismay-what we don't share is a mutual affection for each other. To be blunt, Mr. Physics had nothing to offer me but friendship and his body. Because he is such a good person, somewhere along the way I just didn't feel right about this since his feelings were real. We hung out from time to time, but I stopped the physical relationship because I didn't want to lead him on to think it could go somewhere else. He is gorgeous, he is well educated, he is a spiritual man, he is a GREAT catch-but he just does not do it for me. Coincidentally, Mr. Physics and Mr. Special Agent LOOK like they could be twins. They drive similar cars, they have quite different paths but have achieved similar goals, and on an amazing scale-I'd have to put them about equal. Somehow, I thought that we were good enough friends that I could share this with him. Not so. I had shared with him a couple details from my trip and I hadn't talked to him after that but I thought nothing of it, because we don't talk that often. So, after getting home from a night out with friends there was a knock on my door. I really thought it was my friends coming back because they had forgot something. Nope. Big as day, Mr. Physics with some things he needed to get off his chest. Now listen, I'm in NO WAYS interested in leading someone on, and I've told him this TIME AND TIME again. He wanted me to hear him out...and allllllllllllll the alcohol I'd consumed had different plans. I'm not proud of this. This went back to Pimpin' 101.

"I never meant to make you feel that way"

"I didn't want to hurt you, I just was scared"

"Well, yeah we can try-what kind of cologne is that?"

"OF COURSE I love/d you"

...

...

...

"Come upstairs and tell me"

Mr. Physics is not stupid, and he was not amused that I was trying to take advantage of the situation. He called me on it, AS HE SHOULD HAVE. But then wanted me to think about our situation. His argument was that I didn't have to go way out to Mr. Special Agent, when he is right HERE. But how many times do I have to tell him I don't WANT him here?

Why do we beg someone to want us when we think they should? Maybe the whole "relationship" between Mr. Physics and I bothers me because I KNOW I have done this. I know I have compared myself to someone else and said, BUT YOU CAN HAVE ME! Never again. I never meant to hurt him, but I just want to scream at him that if I can't appreciate who he is, FIND SOMEONE THAT DOES! I'm not going to beg someone to see who I am, if they can't see me for me and appreciate that-I can't make them see it. Time to move on.

I will never do that...again.

As they come out of the woodwork, I see so many things that I accepted and gave passes for that now...are just NOT ok.

So many things to never do again...

To be continued...

Talking to Monica

I am happy-ecstatic actually.

I am conflicted-completely.

I'm trying to figure out why I can find happiness for everyone else, but I question it when it comes around for me. Everything I've asked for, everything I prayed for, more than I could hope for-right in front of me and I can't step towards it.

So-I have to talk to Monica. I have to talk to Monica as if I'm not her. I have to give the advice I would give someone else-because my own mind is so in my way right now, I can't get past the blaring doubts that I'm throwing in the way.

So, to me-Monica is a woman that puts on a good face for everyone. Only those that really know her know when the true emotion comes even though not often. Monica takes care of people-believing that she should always do whatever she can for other people because it is the right thing to do, hoping that she will be blessed for her kindness and never expecting anything back in return because she sees the fruits of her labor in the ways she has been blessed and the lessons she has learned. Monica is a woman who stands whole only because she pieced herself together through not letting traumatic experiences as a child define her, and understanding the selfish person she became for a short period in her life left no one to suffer more than herself-and the consequences are and were just and self inflicted. Monica stands as a woman who wouldn't do a thing to change her past because her walk in faith has led her to know and believe that every single thing that happened to her happened for a reason and stands on it all as a living testimony that God has not given up on her and is still blessing her in the face of every adversity.

Monica is learning to trust herself. Monica is learning to not put so much trust in other people. Monica doesn't hold what people did against them, but takes it in again as a lesson for herself.

But...
Monica understands the hardships that happen in her life-but when good things come her way-Monica has a hard time believing that she deserves them.

Monica has taken control and not allowed people to hold her past against her-but just recently Monica has learned that she is holding it against herself wondering if she has been forgiven or if things will resurface.

So if Monica actually found a good thing and completely doubted that she deserved it, or that it could be something long-lasting, and/or worthwhile, and doubts that she even needs it...what would I say to her?

Maybe I would ask her to remember that when she loved, she loved hard with out question, without resignation, without doubt. That she prayed for the man in her life to be a good role model to her son. That she prayed that she would have a marriage built on a solid foundation. That she prepared herself and prayed to be a good woman of God in order to be what she needed to be for the man, child, and their future. That she had grasped the idea of being with somebody and stopped hiding behind wanting to be alone.

I would remind Monica that SHE said that she got the answer to her prayer, but God just showed her that she was ready but she hadn't found the RIGHT man. I would remind her that she was thankful that God showed her the way OUT and I would tell her to be proud of herself for NEVER looking back and not being angry.

I would remind her that she is ready. I would show her that her worries that her son would be adversely affected has turned out to be a blessing because he followed her lead and is fine. Maybe I would tell her that although she met this other man in what seemed to be way too fast for HER predetermined time limits...maybe God didn't want her to lose focus. Maybe while she is ready, he wanted to show her who she was ready for. Maybe I would tell her that although he may NOT be the one, there's nothing wrong with letting someone love you or WANT to love you and be a part of your life.

Maybe I would tell her that the things that seem too good to be true aren't too good to be true, but a blessing. I would probably definitely tell her that by not thinking she deserved these things would be saying that she doesn't believe in God-because if she asked for forgiveness those sins have been cast out. But to not believe is telling God that she doesn't trust him. Maybe I would tell her to stop asking why and just say "thank you".

And maybe-she would listen.

But maybe...what's going on inside of her is so much that she still can't hear what I would be trying to say. Not because she doesn't want to hear it, but because she doesn't know how to turn the other thoughts down.

I would tell her to try and just live in this moment the best she can. I would remind her that she knows that there is no harm in giving love because you don't lose anything-as much love as you give is as much as you gain whether it is returned or not.

I've been talking to Monica since I got back yesterday.

I want to look towards whats happening in my life with the same excitement, with the same hope that he does...but I can't find it. It hurts me so bad-but I can't find it in me to believe that somebody can give me back what I've given. I'm not afraid to give-I'm afraid to let somebody love me without wondering if hurting me comes with it. Then I think he doesn't deserve that, I think I shouldn't be like that...and I'm right back to where I started.

I think that it's too perfect, I think that we fit too well, I think that this just seems too right for it to be right. And as much as that doesn't make sense-it makes sense to me but I'm trying to really just let it go. I'm really trying.

I see something great...something WONDERFUL in front of me. I just can't go to it.

So, I'll keep talking to Monica-hoping that I find it somewhere inside of me to stop just having strength and start applying it. To be courageous enough to know that as much as I think he deserves is as much as I deserve. To know that as much as I don't know, is as much as I do know. To know that I will not be led wrong, and stop thinking things will go wrong.

I'm talking to Monica, but I just can't break through.

Monica is not broken.
Monica will not be defined by her past.
Monica deserves the happiness she wishes for others-and for once she really sees it and more than that she feels it.
Monica knows what she wants, she just needs to go for it.


Monica is frustrated.

Monica is overwhelmed.



Monica is scared.

Joy GPS

It is often said and completely true that misery loves company-but it is a state of mind that I can't wrap my head around, and I hope I never can. I am so abundantly blessed with positive people in my life that I really question how it is that I am related to some of the most negative people I know. It makes me question myself. It makes me wonder if I ever was negative like this, and most of all it shows me that God really can move if you let him.

I remember a time in my life when I was really unhappy-but I hope to God I didn't try to take other people's joy to further enhance my misery and make me feel better about myself. It seems ridiculous to me now, but I'm hoping that it was equally as ridiculous to me then. The thing about it, is that even if you rob somebody else of their joy-it's not an instant solution or location status to where YOUR's is at.

There are some people, well one person, close to me that I am constantly looking at her friends wondering why they are not as good to her as she is to them. Then I realize-they are of a like mind. She gives to them-they take from her. They are not whole-so it's easy and quite sensical to them to take and take and take, and NEVER give. And because she is in the habit of looking for attention in the wrong places-the people that give to her are the people she lashes out at because they are not taking everything they can. Isn't that sad?

I've reached a breaking point. I can't continue to show her how great she is by my actions, because they aren't appreciated. I refuse to let her take my joy or even an ounce of my happiness from me. The Joy of the LORD is my strength-so one person, regardless of who they are is not powerful enough to take that from me.

I wish there was a Joy GPS. This GPS should be free and it only requires one line.

"Your JOY is right in front of your face-PLEASE GRASP IT!"

I don't care who it is and what they are going through, we all have plenty to be joyous about. It's so not about what you're going through-it's that God trusts you to get through it. It's that he is challenging you to be BETTER, STRONGER, MORE FAITHFUL than you ever thought you could be. It's not about the "why", it's about the WHO.

I know there was a time when I would ask God why I was going through the things I was going through. And it surely did not get easier just because I was on my knees asking God to fix everything. I have come to know it's not about wanting what you want, it's about trusting God to give you what you need.

How can you not have JOY when it's not even in your hands? How can you not have JOY when you have a FATHER who is going to fix it all for you and all you have to do is believe? How can you be sad for the things you have lost when GOD is trying to show you that what he is going to help you regain is more than you could have ever thought you would have?

How can anyone live this life upset about the trials they have gone through, jealous of the people around them, drowned in negativity, surrounded by foolishness?


YOUR JOY IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.

You can't steal my joy. I can GIVE you my joy, but the thing about it is-it doesn't take away from me-it grows within ME regardless of what you decide to do with it.

I have to laugh at attempts to bring me down.

I have to scoff at people who try to get the best of me.

I have to chuckle at those who don't understand how I can be happy in the midst of everything.

I have to wink at those who can't stand the genuineness in my smile.

Every doubt,
every fear,
every emotion,
every bad thing,
every tear I've cried,
every thing I've lost,
every hurt,
every disappointment,
every THING that ever stopped me from moving upward has been wrapped up INTO my joy and is retold in the testimony of my life. Retold in every story that I tell where the ending remains the same. God trusted ME, God used ME, God LOVES ME so much that he won't let me be just good enough-he pushes me to be better. And the only thing I had to do was believe that he would, he will, he CAN.

I can't locate your Joy for you, but the GPS can tell you where it is.

Grasp it.

Nobody can take it from you-but it will remain where it is until you take it for yourself.

RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE might seem like a long way away, but if you believe it is there, you can grasp it...

And hold onto it so tightly that it can never be taken away.

Joy that God Provides Sufficiently!!

The Simplicity Detox

It's not that I haven't been writing...it's that I haven't taken the time to finish the entries that I've started. Sometimes when life is pushing you along, it's hard to take a moment to reflect on where you've been because you got here so fast!

Things have been good for me. The weight loss is going well, although it is now turning into more size loss and I have been getting a little aggravated with a pound or two gained, but I also started toning a lot more-so the solution is to stay off the scale and just stay focused!!

I'm running an impossible schedule right now. The boy has a full docket every DAY. Trying to manage that AND my life would seem to be unmanageable-but we don't speak that, we just do the impossible, thank God for the ability and keep it moving!

I feel so FREE. I've taken on the task of cleaning up the last of these debts that for so long I let anger me because they are not MINE, but from being taken advantage of in a relationship. And the more I learn about myself, about God, and about life-I realize that in some way these debts are mine-I WILL be responsible for the choices I make, and I will pay in one way or another. So, I have promised God and myself that I will pay for them. I went to a financial seminar so that I would be able assist in providing the classes at my church, but I was so blessed by the presentation. Confirmation from God that I am indeed on the right track, and from my calculations and Dave's plan, I should be debt free in about 10-14 months! YES!!

And, much to my own dismay-I have met somebody. I didn't plan for this to happen at all. In my own plan-I was going to be single for an undefined amount of time and just love on me for a while. Not that I don't know how to do it...I just enjoy being by myself. To me, I had learned so much from this relationship-I had gained so much MORE for myself. I'm not mad at him, I don't hate HIM, I just don't respect what he did or the person he showed me at ALL. But why would I be upset about that? I loved him the way you should love somebody you plan on spending the rest of your life with. I'm not sorry for any thing, any moment, any part of me that I gave him because I gave it in love. I did not give it without being able to truly give-I gave to him BECAUSE I am whole...and whatever he took from me-I am STILL whole. His exit from my life didn't change me, it made me realize how much better I am. I did ask God to make me the woman I needed to be for my husband, I did ask God to make me whole to be a good wife-and God showed me that he did that-and he also showed me that the husband I thought was mine was not for me at all. And I'm not mad. I am glad he showed me everything he did in order, and I am glad that if nothing else-God showed me that I should and CAN trust myself if I am trusting in HIM like I am supposed to. I'm thankful for that. There is nothing to be bitter about. I did not lose a thing that takes away from who I am. I lost 230 pounds of confusion, and I don't want it back.

Best Detox EVER. Thank you LORD for cleansing my soul.

However, this is not the simplicity detox I speak of.

I met the Mr. Sir through a mutual friend. We started chatting on Facebook (yes it's overtaking my life as well) and then it moved on to texting and phone conversation. We hit it off pretty much instantly. Because I am who I am, I thought maybe I just like him because I'm rebounding...I know myself better than that. I just learned that I could really trust myself, right? He doesn't live near me, so the only thing we can do is talk. I'm actually kind of glad, because when you get in someone's face-well at least when I do-if there is an attraction there, I'll act on it. Whether it be too soon or not, I'm grown. Doesn't matter. However, I've also made a vow that I was going to take better care of MY temple and act the way I am supposed to. So again, I am not perfect and definitely NOT a survivor of my own flesh-I'm glad he's long distance.

Over the phone, he seemed perfect. A man telling me things that makes it seem like he has sense doesn't mean to ME that he has good sense. It means he has good enough sense to say the things he should. Our conversations were deep. He had no fear to ask me the things he wanted to know, and I have nothing to hide-so his questions got answered. Now, I started talking to him like two weeks after the break up, but I have to tell you-there are no lingering feelings. I was just as done then as I am now. The issue was not that I still had feelings for my ex, just that I thought this might be happening way too soon. He is so different. With the ex, I would ALWAYS say he didn't care about what I did. And somehow, I let that be okay with me when it is so clearly NOT. So, now I had a man who would ask me about what I did and come back the next day asking questions after he had researched my company, projects I might be working on, things I might be interested in. Different. Being a scholar himself with a M.A. in Psychology, he challenged me to learn more about things I didn't know much about and I found we were going back and forth on an intellectual level that I really had only experienced with close friends or the peers I deem to be "as nerdy" as me. This was very refreshing!!

Somewhere along the way, naturally we started talking about meeting in person. We became friends very quickly. Conversation was easy...the thing that bothered me was that it was thoughts Mr. Sir that overtook thoughts of the ex, so in my mind-I was maybe just using one to get over the other. One day Mr. Sir posed the question "Do you think we will hit it off when we meet?" Of course! Why wouldn't he? He constantly had me laughing, always had me smiling, and I couldn't wait to talk to him more and more with every day just to see what he would be wanting to talk about next. He said, "Well you should be mines then". Being the person I am, I told him that if he ever asked that question in real life, he better NOT say "mines" and that I could not agree to that because we had never met. That's weird! So he said, okay-I'll be there next week. I was shocked! I told him my schedule is impossible and I'd be busy. And really-I might be ready to move on-but I told him there is NO WAY he could meet my son now. It's too early-too confusing. I already feel bad enough about bringing the ex into his life, PERIOD.

And then he opened up my mind to the simplicity I had been dealing with probably all my life and motivated me to do this detox.

His spiel went kind of like this:

OHHHHHHHHHHH, I see you are used to dealing with simple ass
minded negroes The kind that blow your back out 15 times
and in a month or so you are asking yourself "Where do we stand?", "What are we
doing?" because you never set any boundaries. Then you talk yourself into
thinking you have to know about him and he needs to know about you-and a S.A.N.
would use the things in your past to hold against you because his simple ass is
still trying to do what he wants to do. A REAL MAN could care less about
your damn past.

He went on to say:

I think you're an AMAZING woman and what you have been through in the past
makes you who YOU are, so at the end of the day I will just think MORE highly of
you if that's possible BECAUSE of what you've been through. A REAL
MAN knows enough to know-this woman is amazing-I know she's what I'm looking for
and I DARE NOT disrespect her and try to do any of these things we speak of
OUTSIDE of a relationship because I respect the woman that she is and she
deserves more than just to be a piece of ass.

I was absolutely speechless. And I was ten shades of stupid darker,
and ten pounds of clarity lighter...

And in my silence he continued on:

OR...maybe you're used to the S.A.N. that at some point agrees to be with you
but spends years trying to make sure there's nothing better out there, all the
while missing out on how the two of you could be growing together and missing
out on the little things about you everyday that he COULD be learning-but
instead uses simple ass excuses to make you feel bad about
YOURSELF. A REAL MAN doesn't need a time stipulation because a real
man knows enough about the simple bytches he's been with to know what he doesn't
want. Just like women, a man knows very quickly what his intentions
are with a certain woman or what they could be-just a real man acts on it NOW
rather than later realizing that if he hasn't found what he's looking for he's
REAL ENOUGH to let her go.

The only response I could utter is that it was just too soon. Somehow I thought this would end the open-handed slaps to my face that I had always known but never heard verbalized in my own reality.

And in response:

OHHHHHHHHHH...so you thought you found what you wanted in a man right? I
agree-so now that he messed up does that all change? Or, do you just
realize that what you thought you saw was what you wanted to see and instead of
handing out "it's okay to be simple" passes, you find a real man that doesn't
NEED a pass because he IS that man. So being alone for a certain period of
time will allow for you to find that man.

He said:

You're absolutely right...they hand out a timeline for when a woman is ready.

Can I plead the fifth here?? Can this guy SHUTUP? Or can he apologize for not saying out loud what I knew but needed to hear YEARS ago. I told him I was tired, wanted to get off the phone.

I didn't get off that easy.

Don't get mad at ME. I'm a real man. You're a smart,
educated, focused woman with goals-I guess I just assumed that you knew and were
smart enough to know that you deserve somebody that appreciates you for who you
are and wants nothing more than to explore your entire mind to find out
everything he can about you because you are just that special and you don't have
to do a thing for anybody to see that.

Maybe I'm too complex for you. Cause all those s.a.n.'s-I bet you
thought you knew them better than they knew themself. You felt like ya'll
were close and you "got him". How hard is it to understand someone
one step up from a single cell life form. Hell yeah you knew that
knukka...they read like Dr. Seuss!!

Then went on to ask if next week was too soon, because he wasn't trying to let me go. Then said:

Oh, wait-what are you waiting for me say...Aw girl...I don't have no money.
can you buy me a ticket? Or-my funds ain't right right now...let me
see what I can do. NOPE. I can come get in your face or you can
come get in mine-but we will be face to face. I might not be the
right man for you, but if I'm not I hope you find the GOOD REAL man that is
because if I don't deserve you, you definitely deserve a great man that matches
who YOU are. I don't want to take anything from you, I want us to be
able to add TO each other.

Later on at some point-his concern was that I had not necessarily told my son that things between me and the ex are over. My son is very in tune with me, and although I had not laid it out in black in white-I'm pretty sure he's aware of what happened.

Mr. Sir then asked me if the ex wanted children. I told him that he was very bitter about HIS ex having a baby by someone else, and that he had told me at one time that he would rather experience having a child with someone who was having their first child too. I then said "But that changed..."

He interrupted me and asked if I was serious. Asked a question that gets under my skin more than I had ever known "You're smart, right?" I was obviously offended and asked why the question?! He said that him taking that statement back was like somebody saying something when they're drunk, then saying they don't mean it when everybody knows they do!! He asked if for one second I thought that if I had another child if that child wouldn't take priority over mine. He asked how could I be serious about letting a S.A.N. with BABY ENVY raise my child. Mr. Sir made it very plain to me in the beginning that if my child was 5 or under he could not be bothered because he's not a fan of small children. He said that he would do much better with an older child, but wanting children to him doesn't mean having a brand new baby. He said if that is the situation he is in with me or ANY woman, he would want to not be viewed as "the mother's husband/boyfriend". He said he could not live in a situation where he was not being the best father he could be to the child of the woman he loved-that loving her would mean loving him, and being a father would mean being a father to that child FIRST before planning for any other.

Again...no words.

It's not that anything he said is not what us "girls" have been telling each other for years after we get through our own experiences. Why it was so different to hear it from a man, I don't know. Or maybe, it was just the right time for me to receive it. This man didn't know as much about me as others and could stand up and say I'm amazing and is willing to bet that what I've been through has made me who I am. It's what I've been screaming from the inside out to deaf ears for so many years. It made him seem too good to be true. It made me mad instead of being flattered that somebody held me in such high regard. It made me realize that I've been ingesting a whole LOT of simple for way too long and it was time to let it GO.

So, to my relief, I had already detoxed the SIMPLENESS out of my life, but in retrospect it made me sick to realize how much of it I had taken. It's all done now. I am who I am because of what I've been through.

I have promised myself to not let simple rules RULE my life and to let life flow as it comes. Knowing that in tough times I will be strong, that in good times I will be thankful, and in all times I will remain faithful.

I don't know where things will go, but I'm not going to try to plan it, I'm going to let go and see where it takes me. I'm going to stop looking back and trying to remember when I enjoyed the ride and start enjoying the ride and just holding on when it gets bumpy.

I'm going to stop settling for people who think I need to prove myself to them and know that people of a like mind, and a likeNESS to who I am will see it without being told.

I'm going to detox the simplicity of other people out of my life and never let it back in. Much like dieting, it's a lifestyle change.

Simplicity Detox...The only miracle diet where you gain so much with the loss of what ends up really being so little.

Moving UP

I had an interesting weekend, to say the least. I'm in a good place right now. I really am. I really thank God for this clarity that I have. I feel so blessed for everything he has put me through in order to show me how blessed I really am.

I had the pleasure of meeting a young girl on Friday night. I'm not easily moved or shocked by things that people have to say about their life, but this girl's story punched me in the heart like never before. She is nineteen years old, married with a two year old son. She is a military wife. She is a recovering addict. She is a victim, struggling to be a survivor. Abandoned at age 14 by her father, handed her social security card and birth certificate and told "Good Luck". She was homeless for years. She talked about how she stole food to eat, how she sold things to have a place to stay or sleep, how she survived hypothermia and managed to stay alive while sleeping in parks, under bridges, anywhere she could find. And as if being abandoned by her father wasn't enough, her mother also abandoned her in the desert of California with a newborn baby, her first child. She talked about how she was coming off of the drugs and probably wasn't far from people but was scared to lose her baby and not in her right mind. She got teary eyed as she explained how she would try to feed the baby and keep it alive-until she realized that the child had died in her arms.

She went back to her hometown and found a friend who's family took her in. She is a talented artist and poet, but doesn't have the confidence to pursue those interests anymore since her father, an artist and illustrator, told her everything she did was terrible. She said "I just want to put my past into a box and put it away, and never open it again. I'm trying to move on."

Her words don't seem that moving-but it hurt me that she said that, and something moved inside of me. I said "But it's who you are. All those things are what make you who you are. It's not part of your weakness, it's the foundation for all of your strength!" And I was moved again-because those words didn't come from me. As they came out of my mouth, the power of those words touched me too. And I realized quickly it was NOT me, it was the CHRIST that is IN me. Now, I am convicted about my own faith and have no problem expressing my beliefs...but I'm not really big on telling people how to have that conviction in their own walk. Who am I? But knowing that he was with me, I asked her "Do you pray?" She looked away. She said she was trying to get all her emotions out by talking to the therapists that are assigned to her in the program she is currently completing to stay clean and to keep custody of her child. I asked her again "Do you pray?". She said "I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. You can't believe the things I've done. I'm ashamed to even tell you or anybody...I believe God has a purpose for my life because as many times as I've overdosed, or had alcohol poisoning, or almost been raped or killed...I shouldn't be here. I can't pray. God has done too much for me."

Her green eyes searched me for a moment of shock, judgment, disbelief...something. But I was not shocked, I had no judgment about her, and I didn't doubt a thing she said. Without even flinching, without even blinking, without even wavering I said to her, "God has blessed you. He is going to continue to bless you. He loves you, and all he wants you to do is believe that he will take care of you."

Her green eyes searched me still, but now inquisitively-not challenging me. I said, "Although your story is sad, you are not the only person that has gone through the things you have gone through. It's hard because it is YOU. If God didn't love you, if he didn't know YOUR heart-he would have left you a long time ago."

She told me that she tries to open up and express her feelings, but it is hard because she has trust issues. She said that she can't talk to the therapists because she feels like they are only there because they have to be. And I shared with her the positive side of that. That she doesn't HAVE to worry about what they think of her, that they are there to explain her feelings without anything personal invested. That them HAVING to be there should make her feel better about opening up to them, because they expect nothing in return. Just for you to make YOURSELF better. She hadn't thought of it this way, I could see it in her eyes.

She said that she doesn't want to keep her parents away from her child, because she wants them to know him. She said they are both clean, but she has anger and trust issues with them still. I was amazed at her courage. To be treated like that by both parents, I had assumed they were no longer in contact with each other. I told her I could not imagine being that brave or that strong. I told her that her willingness to believe that they have changed and give them a second chance shows she is much further along in her progress than she gives herself credit for. And with all people in our life that we have issues with, we have a right to tell them how they have hurt us. We just have to be realistic about what our expectations are about how they react. I told her she has a right to tell them how she feels, but one of two things will happen. One, they will not realize the ways in which they have hurt you. This will start a new process with them where they will have questions too. Or two, they just won't see it your way-and to them nothing needs to change. In both situations, you have to be prepared for that person to also tell YOU how you have hurt them-and your reaction will be the same of the two options. But then after that-we have to let it go, and not move ON, but move UPWARD.

As the words were coming out of my mouth, I was holding back tears. I was so full, so happy that God was using me as his vessel. These words were not my words, because as they came out of my mouth they touched my heart too. I told her that too often we give people so much of our energy because of the position that they play in our lives. That too often we allow ourselves to be persecuted because we have told ourselves that that person has a right to make us feel that way. Too often we care so much about the judgments that other people make on us, when in reality-as long as we are still being blessed-we know that yes, our God will hold us accountable but even in the midst of our judgment-he is blessing us anyhow. We can not expect people to be this good to us, so why do we try? Why do we try to just move on with the burdens that are unnecessarily placed on us by other people still drag behind us and slow our progress. Why is that we are only trying to move on at the same level that we've been, instead of moving UPWARD? Why is it that when God shows us plainly what the unnecessary burdens are in our life, we continuously try to bear them instead of handing them to God and letting HIM handle his own children so that we can move UPWARD?

And as I said this to her, I had a picture in my head. Unloading a bag of hurt; unloading a bag of unnecessary reflection of the things that hurt me; unloading the people that have shown me that they don't deserve my time, love, attention, or affection; unloading all the things in my past that weigh me down, but allowing the blessings that came out in the midst, the strength that I gained, the endurance that I showed, and the love that I still have to get under my feet and lift me up instead of carrying it on my shoulders and letting it weigh me down.

And in my picture, as I moved upward I kept telling myself "Don't look down". I can't look down. If I have in fact left anything or anyone beneath me, I don't have to look down. God will raise them UP. And as I look around at the people in my life who are around me now, I see that they didn't look down for me...they just extended an arm and lifted me up when I needed it most. Because God had already raised me up, but I let the cares of this world and what I thought were the problems of my life weigh me down unnecessarily.

And just for confirmation, the message Sunday came from 1 Corinthians 10: 11-13.

11These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come. 12So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! 13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.


How many times did I feel like I had been through things to help somebody? How many times did I say "I know what you're going through, I've been there!"?? And I was right. God put's people in our lives to show us that we aren't going through anything that hasn't already tempted somebody else. It is just up to us to see that as a blessing and unload that burden and move upward...or try to unnecessarily carry it and move on wth no progress and the only thing to show is the scars from the same burdens you choose to carry and not let go of.

I think it's my mind telling me I should still be hurt by what has happened. But I'm not. I didn't do anything wrong. And if I truly left something that God had in store for me, he certainly doesn't want me to wait around for it-because that time I spend trying to figure out why I have lost something is time taken away from Thanking GOD for all he has blessed me with! He has bigger plans for me. And while I try my best to just rise UP to do what God has for me to do, the things that I need he will rise them up to meet me where I'm at.

I have got to move up.

No looking down.

I am moving up.

Thank you, God.

Meeting Me Again...

I don't know if we ever stop and think about how powerful our minds really are. By measure, we know what we are capable of by the things we do, the things we have achieved, the things we aspire for. But that is the power of our brain. The power of our mind often takes us outside of ourselves and we let it somehow become the controlling factor in our opinion of ourself.

As of late, my problems have seemed so small. I have life, health, and my strength. Beyond that, who I am to ask for anything more? Only by God's grace and mercy am I blessed with the things that I don't deserve, but he gives them to me anyhow IN SPITE OF who I am. I have lost somebody out of my life-but not by death. By God showing me what I knew all along. And all this hurt around me, REAL hurt, REAL LOSS has made me feel so small. So selfish for feeling sorry for myself. So simple for letting my mind take power over my self worth.

But isn't it amazing how our true friends, and even friends we didn't know were in our corner don't let OUR mind overpower them?

I have been overwhelmed by the love and support from near and far. I have been so touched by the words of encouragement, the offers of support, the reassurance of who I AM from people that love me. Although my mind was working overtime and allowing me to be angry, hurt, sad, mad, and desperately searching my soul for the answers from the past that could help me in the present-the person that I AM wouldn't allow those people to watch me fail.

Is it sad that I had to be reminded how strong I am? Is it sad that I had to pull from other people's words, wisdom, and encouragement to get through each day? Or is it assurance for ME that I have surrounded myself by people who love me? Is it a sign for me to not allow one person who didn't appreciate me overshadow all the people who do? Is it a lesson for me to love those that are giving it back to me and not waste it on the people that don't know what to do with it?

Is it that these people have seen who I am, know how I've changed, and feel for what I'm going through ENOUGH that when I get down on myself, they re-introduce me to ME? Is it that I have been so richly blessed that even though my mind tells me I am being punished, God is still showing me the blessings around me and just waiting for me to see them? Is it that the people who are not around me shouldn't be, the people that leave from being with me are gone, and these people that love me stay with me to reassure my heart, my soul, and MY MIND that I really am who I thought I was, will continue to be who I dare to be, and will stand with me always, and pick me up when I fall?

All the little gems of advice that you thought you knew all along-but sure brightened up your day when it was handed back to you. What a blessing!

Today-I can't even really say that I'm still hurting. I guess to think about IT still hurts, but why think about it? I'm still here. Better than EVER. I didn't cheat, I didn't lie-I can still be proud of me for the woman that I learned that I am. I am still proud of what I accomplished. I still am a good woman-I just didn't find a GOOD man. And should I be sad? Or should I be thankful that he showed me who he was long before I got sucked into the miserable existence that is the life that he chooses to lead?

Today-I am better. I'm here. I am CLEAR. There is nothing in front of me, in back of me, around me, or through me that casts a shadow of any doubt on who I am. I don't have to lie, I don't have to hurt people, I don't have to hide inside myself in order to look at myself in the mirror. I have treated others the way I want to be treated...and even if they didn't give that back to me, I hope what I gave to THEM is the assurance that there is somebody out there that will love them with no conditions, no expectations, no judgement.

I stand strong. I made it through. I may have been hurt, but better to love and have lost than never to have loved at all. I loved somebody who didn't know how to be loved. That' s not my loss. I gave freely without expecting anything in return. That's not my loss.

I am who I am, but I just forgot who I was.

Nice to meet me again.
Nice to be me again.

It's nice to know that no matter what my mind says, I will not be allowed to be forgotten.

Hi Monica-glad you're back.

Settling is for Pilgrims

Undoubtedly, I have been emotionally drained with the events in my personal life as of late. This break up has taken more out of me than I'd like to admit. I'm not sure that it gets easier, I believe it is just that in hindsight more things become clear to me which pave the way to me attaining the highest levels of pissed off-ness when I realize the bull crap I settled for.

Now, one of the things that I discussed in one of my earlier posts was how I basically crossed some folks off of my friends list because they happened to be ex-boyfriends and my then BOYfriend was not comfortable with those friendships. Some of them, I do honestly feel bad about not talking to them anymore. And their level of friendship to ME has been apparent in the way they have supported me and been there for me during this time AS friends.

So I thought.

I mean yes, there are friendships there. But I have learned a couple things about them and about me.

First of all, I was an asshole. I mean straight up-no holds barred, surprised I didn't get slapped-ASSHOLE. I've had to lay down some real deal apologies for the way I used to be. Although I don't want to...let me just lay out some transcripts of chat/text. I'll explain the context later.


Him: You said you were not ever going to get married. What happened?
Me: Things change. I fell in love.
Him: There wasn't love between us?
Me: Are you serious? I mean, it was completely physical. Don't play
Him: Physical to who?
Me: What else did we do?
Him: Who's choice was that?
Me: Are we really playing this game right now? I shouldn't have asked you anything
Him: I just don't understand you right now. This is not the Monica I know. When did you start letting a n!gg@ bring you down and get the best of you. That's not the Monica I know. Get your head up
Me: This is different for me too. But thank you for your encouragement
Him: You never needed encouragement before! Just cause your dram n!gg@ turned out to be a BITCH n!gg@ doesn't mean you should feel bad. His ass is stupid. You didn't do anything wrong.
Me: Really? Cause I think I'm the one alone and he's the one living it up with some married chick.
Him: I don't even know that dude, but I can tell you you were too much for him to handle. N!gg@s got faithful problems. You are a confident woman and can't nobody tell you shit. That's hard for a simple ass mind to handle. You are not the jealous type, you don't trip about hardly nothing, and you don't need nobody for shit. Some people like to feel needed. You don't believe in that. Don't you say all the time, it's not healthy to need somebody?
Me: Yep.
Him: Ok then. All the chicks you showed me that he dealt with and even this new chick-you can look at them and tell they got insecurity issues. So a n!gg@ with faithful problems and a ho with insecurity issues. Perfect match. He ain't for you. Don't know what to do with you. Probably not that many men do. Shit, I didn't.
Me: Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Him: Being with him going to make you feel better.
Me: Not at all. I love him, but I have supported that man like I already WAS his wife, he wants somebody else's wife
Him: OK then.
Him: You loved him?
Me: No I love him. That's not going to change over night. I just know what I won't accept. How many times do you have to get cheated on before you get tired of it? Hell, I'm tired of it! I know I've forgiven a lot worse than this-but I won't settle for that crap ever again.
Him: So you'll never take him back
Me: Not the way he is now, no.
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Everybody and Anybody can change. He wants to get his life right, I respect that.
Him: You think I have changed?
Me: I think you could change if you wanted to
Him: So I haven't changed?
Me: have you?
Him: In some ways. One thing hasnt changed
Him: I still love you
Him: Hello?
Me: yeah
Him: You don't have anything to say?
Me: Um...no.
Him: So there's no feelings between us
Me: I told you, I felt bad for just ignoring you. I mean, we are friends right?
Him: You never saw a future for us?
Me: Are you serious right now?
Him: Yes
Me: Honestly, No. We both did what we wanted to do. You STILL do what you want to do. That's fine. That's what you do. That's what you've always done.
Him: You are something else
Me: So I've been told
Him: No for real. your an asshole
Me: WOW. Takes a great one to know a good one
Him: I'm being serious
Him: You sitting up crying over some bitch ass who couldn't appreciate a good woman and isn't man enough to handle a woman willing to support his sorry ass while he tried to make something of himself. You sit up here and tell me that he's changing his life and if he does that you would take him back. But I got to be the same n!gga@ I always been? I always loved you. I always will. I didn't propose to you because I thought that shit was fun. I wanted to marry you. I can provide a fuckin life for you. I can support YOU. I want to give you everything you want. and how many times did I propose. You never thought I was serious.
Me: The first time you "proposed" your ass was married. The second time...you were drunk
Him: I ain't never been that fuckin drunk. What about the other times
Me: What other times?
Him: you serious?
Me: Are you? How did we even get here? I'm not trying to rehash this out with you. It was what it WAS. Nothing more, maybe less!
Him: So you didn't love me
Me: Um...in a dysfunctional kind of way I did.
Him: Wow
Me: How did you figure you wanted to marry me? You don't know shit about me, really. I mean let's be real since you want to get nasty about it.
Him: I do know about you. Because I cared enough to pay attention. If I asked you you always aid you know I don't like to be questioned right. you remember that
Me: Um...well, sounds like something I would say.
Him: And how many times were we at a masonic function and I'd try to talk to you in front of your dad and the other pm's and all them after I had told them about my girl and you walked right past me like you didnt know me. thats some fucked up shit Monica for real
Me: I was not ever your girlfriend.
Him: That's what you say
Me: Um, okay
Me: How many other girlfriends did you have?
Him: We always have to come back to that shit huh?
Me: That's how it was
Him: When I left it was
Me: Ok
Him: What about when I left. Did you ask me to stay? NO you told me it was better so you could move on. But I guess what we had was just physical to you right?
Me: Well, it sounds ugly when you say it like that-but don't pretend that's not what it was
Him: That's what it was to you, I'd take you any way I could get you
Me: That's stupid
Him: Why?
Me: Why would you take what you could get and not ask for what you wanted?
Him: Oh I'm stupid but that's the same shit you been doing for all these years with this little bitch ass running after a dream and not doing shit for you
Me: He's not running after a dream, he will make it
Him: You STILL taking up for this punk
Me: Um-seriously does he have to be all those names. I'm not happy with him...but it doesn't mean I believe in what he's doing any less. I'm not sorry for what I did for him because I did it because I love him and didn't expect nor will I ever expect anything in return. However, lying to me and cheating on me is not something I will ever again be ok with. It doesn't make him a bad person, he messed up. I will forgive him-I just don't right now and that forgiveness doesn't mean I'll take him back.
Him: You forgive him and you still supporting his ass but he ain't thinking about you. If he cared he couldn't have done this shit to you
Me: Ok, that's what you believe that's fine
Him: And how come I can't have a chance like that?
Me: We just weren't like that
Him: Why can't we be?
Me: what?
Him: I never did anything like that to you. Why can't I have a second chance.
Me: You want a second chance?
Him: Yes
Me: Are you serious right now?
Him: Why not? I don't want you to hurt.
Me: You gonna love me out of the hurt?
Him: I want to try
Me: Um...I hope you are kidding. I hope you are not serious right now
Him: why?
Me: I have told you, been telling you that YES I am hurt-but I love that man! It's not going to go away over night! I'm not sitting around waiting for him, but I do not play with people's emotions like that. Why would I move on with you? And WHY would you accept that
Him: If I could have you, I don't care
Me: Listen, I am not, nor should any person EVER be special enough for you to settle for some bullshit.
Him: You settled with him
Me: EXACTLY! See how that turned out?!
Him: So?


And I will end it there. I copied and pasted this right from my archive...just substituting the "him" and "me". This conversation left me dumbfounded. I mean REALLY.

First of all...it's not a nice feeling for somebody to point out how ugly you have acted. I'm not proud that I basically used somebody for his body. I'm also not real fond of the fact that he felt a certain way, and for all these years I had convinced myself it was only physical to find out that that was my choice and my doing. We had had other conversations where things like this came out-and I had to really apologize for hurting him. I mean, I knew how to play the game. Now, I really did care about him and at some point maybe thought I wanted more, but based on how the relationship started (he was going through a divorce...but still married in my book) I never felt like I could trust him. Hmmm...sounds like a familiar situation in somebody ELSE'S life, eh?

The part that really puzzles me was the idea that now was a good time for us to try to get together? Now, this man has laid down some good thoughts for me on why Anthony has done what he has done...and I'm not stupid...I know he's not an impartial source, but he knows more about me and how I am. A lot of the things he has said have made sense to me, and I know that he's probably not 100% correct, but it has given me some things to think about. This is a well put together man with an established career, doing very well for himself. So why on EARTH would you put yourself into a situation where you already know the other person is not in it?

Because you love them.

All those guilty? AYE!

I realize this is the SAME thing I did with A/S. When we got back together, he was just getting out of a relationship. And I kept telling him over and over again, you are NOT over her. I knew he didn't want to get back with her, but I kept telling him he needed to resolve that anger or it would stay with him until he started recognizing things about other people that DON'T exist just because he had not resolved those feelings.

I guess if I was simple, I would be flattered. I'm not.

People do that because they are selfish. Because they want somebody to love them when they can't love themself because they think it will help them come around. NOBODY loves me like I love me. NOBODY deserves MY love more than me.

I love him and what he did hurts. ABSOLUTELY. But I am so much more than just somebody's girlfriend/future wife. One time he told me he felt like he was stopping me from doing what I wanted to do, then it was I had already done everything I wanted to do. And I corrected him everytime. Nobody can stop me but ME, and even when I've done what I wanted to do...I still have plans to move onward and upward!!

Why do people settle? Because they want to. More and more that seems to be the answer to many of lifes questions. We all want what we want, but it seems we are scared to go after what we deserve.

I think that man is a phenomenal man. I think he knows a lot more than I ever gave him credit for, and I have a lot to learn from him now that I have opened my eyes to see him for who he really is and what he has to offer. But all that I can offer him is friendship and he honestly shouldn't be willing to settle for less than he deserves.

Selfishly, I could take his affection and companionship to make myself feel better. People do it all the time, but that is SO not me. The day I start needing somebody else besides JESUS to help me feel better, is the day I need to stand in the mirror a moment longer and figure out what to do with myself, for myself, and about myself.

Settling is for pilgrims.

The only pilgrimage anybody should take is the journey to find a better self. That settlement should be alone.

Settling is for pilgrims.

So for all the people coming with covered wagons full of issues and past hurt...I'll have to wave them on to a different land.

I'm not a pilgrim.
No more settling.

One Victim-No Voice

Until about two years ago, domestic violence matters didn't seem that pressing to me. In most situations, it seemed like it was just a formal charge given to dysfunctional relationships. Charges, in many cases, dropped because somewhere along the line somebody would say sorry at the right time and all was well in the world again. And, although I felt for battered woman, I never understood their mentality or state of mind. Seems simple to me-you go upside MY head, I'm not going down without a fight. And the charges will NOT be dropped, you WILL go to jail. But a domestic violence charge doesn't carry too much time nor weight.

I was always aware that there were some women who felt trapped. Felt like they had nowhere to go. The emotional controlled the physical. Now, I understand emotional abuse. I stayed in a relationship for almost 6 years because that man told me that everything I had experienced in my life left me unworthy of anybody else BUT HIM. That led me to believe that I was not in fact a SURVIVOR of my circumstances, that I was actually tainted. That I was LUCKY to have him because he was the only one that understood and would accept me. He was the first person that I actually confided in about being molested for 9 years of my childhood, being a rape victim twice before I was even 12, and three times after that. The last attempted incident-my freshmen year of college which brought all the anger, all the hurt, all the feelings out-and he was there. And he acted supportive, but instead used it all against me to convince me that nobody would understand me. He was the first person I told everything to-so how could I tell anybody else? How could I confide in ANYBODY without thinking they would assume the same things he did. And then, in my mind-I was lucky to have him. He accepted me.

It was really in my college years that I acted out. I went from not trusting anybody-to trusting everybody. Notice I said that the last event in college was an ATTEMPT. I did not get raped, but the fact that somebody would try left me in a very weak state of mind. I got myself into situations that I would have never been in before. I let people take advantage of my trust because I wanted to believe in people. And when things came tumbling down around me, people turned their backs on me. The people that had got me in the MOST trouble were no where to be found and left with no blame. So, this was a pivotal point in my life. I felt like no matter what-I was not going to be happy. That no matter what I did, people were going to take advantage of me. That no matter what-I could make nobody happy and I decided the best course of action was for me to attempt to take my own life.

I planned it meticulously. I knew exactly what to take and used alcohol as an accelerant for the pills I took so that it would happen quickly. And as I laid on the floor and listened to my heart stop beating, I asked God to bless the people around me and to have his way. I called my sister, just to talk to her. Because of the amount of pills I took, I couldn't control the blurred speech or lack of coherence in my words. She asked what was wrong, and I told her I was dying. Only by the grace of God was she able to figure out a phone number I incorrectly gave her and sent somebody to come get me. They arrived to get me probably two hours after I had taken those pills. I should have been dead. I was sleeping when they came and I woke up. I stayed alert on the way to the hospital. The tylenol levels in my body were so high they were concerned my liver would be damaged, and my heart rate was irregular. Since I was conscious, they decided the best thing to do was pump my stomach. Now, listen-if you want somebody to stop drinking heavily, stop doing drugs, stop putting whatever into their body-get their stomach pumped. It will change their attitude on life!

A suicide attempt is not only hard on the person, it destroys your family and friends. Most of the time, there are signs there. Many times there are not. I started seeing a therapist, and honestly...I didn't tell that dude a damn thing about what was going on in my life. I still didn't trust anybody to accept me for who I was after everything I had been through. I suppressed it all AGAIN. I knew the reasons I acted out. I knew the things in my life that hurt me the most, but I kept it inside. I went and saw that guy for 30 minutes every week, and knew that when he looked at his watch I had five minutes left. It's just what I had to do to get on with my life.

For me, dealing with the things I had been through was entirely spiritual. Realizing that I had put my trust everywhere BUT with God. It came to me in struggling with my life and always asking God WHY I had to go through whatever I did and somewhere along the way I would say "God, I know you're going to bless me after this storm. Just help me get through it". And in teaching and starting to study my bible more realized that the storm WAS my blessing, and in waiting for it to be over I wasn't giving God credit for the ways in which he had been blessing me all along.

Not until then could I look at what I had been through and stop being angry about it. I had to stop being angry at people for not protecting me. I had to stop being angry at people for hurting me. I had to start loving myself for the person I was. I had to realize that although painful things happened to me, the hurt that I went through was directly proportional to the strength that I had to get through it. So I decided to stop hiding from myself. I decided that what I had been through is completely in vain if I can not learn, grow, and do everything in my power to help anybody out there feeling like I had. IF nothing else, to give them hope and let them know that they are NOT alone.

In my work with people, I have found that many people struggle with the same things I had struggled with. I found that although I had made some bad decisions, I had not done anything so unspeakable that I couldn't recover from it. I healed. I realized that the only person that could make me a victim is ME. As a victim, you choose to not have a voice. I am not a victim, I am a survivor of my circumstance-a living testimony that God will never leave you, he will never forsake you, and that everything that happened did happen in HIS will and he brought me out of it. This healing took many years. People don't expect you to talk openly about molestation, rape, suicide, emotional abuse, and mental instability.

So, I know for myself how destructive it is to hold things in because if you don't deal with them you still act out. I never would have compared myself or my situation to that of a domestic violence victim/survivor but I have come to learn that tramautic events invoke the same feelings within all of us-the defining factor is how we handle it outwardly.

Domestic Violence has a stigma behind it. We don't like it, but in most situations we position ourselves in the opinion that there is really nothing we can do about it. Most of the time, we think we can spot people in a bad situation-until something happens that exposes it to us. What we fail to think about is what chain of events, for both parties, that led to the event that exposed the volatility of the situation.

Many people now are speculating on the motives behind the Chris Brown/Rihanna incident. Many women are appalled that she would take him back and want her to know this is not the last time. But how do we know it is the first? He claims to have witnessed his mother being abused, so many people want to blame this on those events and label this as a perpetual cycle. Instead of thinking about the actions that he witnessed, how come nobody is asking what consequences he witnessed??

Abuse has perpetuated itself in our society over and over again. Whether it be that we don't teach our children about healthy body limits or boundaries, or we teach and don't SHOW the same things we say. Whether it be that we witnessed abuse and saw that there were no consequences so we are either scared to speak up, or not afraid of being punished. Domestic Violence situations seem to be different.

Like many, I never went to the police or anybody about what was happening to me. Mostly because I was being abused my boys not that much older than me, and this was not something we were taught about. We were taught that grown ups shouldn't touch us inappropriately-I didn't know how to process the situation I was in. However, if my situation had been brought to light-there would have been a prosecution regardless of what my position was. If a man rapes a woman and accused of rape, regardless of what she says-that man can still be prosecuted. In domestic violence situations, why is it so easy for a woman to drop that restraining order? Why is it so easy for them to allow a woman to speak on the man's behalf? It seems to me that if somebody has been convicted of rape, or molestation-we see that person as a criminal. If there is a domestic violence charge-many people assume they just don't know all the circumstances. And in the case that person is back WITH the person, that conviction bears no burden at all.

Until June 28, 2007-I didn't really understand how serious domestic violence really was. It was on this day that Kesha Tann was murdered. She attended my church. A quiet, but hard working woman. Single mother of two well rounded girls. She had a long term relationship with Freddie Mayes-a DEACON at our church. Before this day, you couldn't have said a bad thing to me about Freddie Mayes. He was an excellent role model to the young men in our church-often organizing and facilitating events for our young men to be more responsible and have positive role models. He cooked for the homeless on Saturdays. He was a funny, upbeat person that always had a smile and a hug for you. Always.

One Sunday, he stood up in church and said he was going through some things. To pray for him, really pray. And in hindsight, what we all realize now is that it was a cry for help. His fellow deacons were taking turns visiting him, making sure he was okay, and it was apparent that he was not dealing well with the break up of his relationship with Kesha.

On June 28-He killed her.
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4191/is_20070628/ai_n19344012

This event changed my life. I realized what can actually happen when you don't know what kind of emotions somebody has on the inside of them. I realized that just like I had held all the feelings in and acted out-everybody is capable. In whatever way they justify to themself.

During this whole ordeal, I couldn't fathom that we were in the presence of a cold blooded killer. I didn't know what to tell my son when he asked why Mr. Freddie took away somebody's mom. I kept telling myself that he had had some kind of breakdown, and that he would be sorry for what he did. I kept telling myself I would not judge him, because God was going to deal with him-but I was sure he would be sorry. That remorse never came. And even as he was sentenced to life in prison, he still has no remorse for taking her life.

The domestic violence issue has become near to my heart because of this. See, Kesha Tann was a domestic violence survivor. She got out of a relationship she knew was not headed in the right direction. But she was murdered because of it. Did she know he was capable of murder? She was scared of what he might do and called the police to report it, but she was unable to get an emergency restraining order because he had not physically done anything to her. So does it have to come down to violence? How come nobody is complaining about the lack of resources BEFORE somebody does get physical? How come the emotional violence is not enough?

So when a woman, OR MAN (http://www.batteredmen.com/) goes back to a relationship that we all see as doomed...I wonder what they have been through emotionally before they got to this point. I wonder how many times they thought the only way to live, was to stay with this person. I wonder how many times they allow themself to fall back in love with the person all the while telling them self that if they do the right thing, the other person won't do "it" again. I wonder why we are charging men with assault, menacing, or harassment instead of attempted murder. And I really wonder how many times a judge is going to have to sentence a murderer with domestic violence on his/her rap sheet before somebody realizes that the biggest problem with the cycle is that we are not doing anything to stop it.

I don't claim to know Rihanna or any other person's reasons for going back. I'll never stop believing that people can change and not go back to the ways they have exhibited. I will always believe that God can step into any situation and change it forever.

I can only share my story about emotional imprisonment. I can only share my experiences in knowing what it's like to be trapped in your own self. I can only tell people that they don't have to be like Kesha and the many other women I have had the opportunity to share my time with. I can only tell every person that if they choose to be a victim-they choose to not have a voice.

For every victim, there IS a survivor. For every survivor there is a voice. For every voice there are countless stories. Hopefully those stories save another victim.

All we can do is hope.

All we can do is pray.

All we can do is listen to the voice-and find the ones that don't think they deserve to be heard.