Forgiveness

I often say that the worst thing you can do to somebody else is to stop believing that they can change.

Well, as I live and learn-I think I also need to keep reminding myself that one of the worst things we can do to ourselves is not opening up and allowing yourself to truly forgive somebody. And really for me, to forgive myself first.

The inevitable stupidity hit me this morning. Stupid. That's how I always feel after I've had some major outlet of my true feelings. I feel like I shouldn't have said anything. I wonder what the person thinks of me now that I've said it. I wonder what it would be like to just deal with things like a normal person would. Is there such a thing?

I can only speak for me, but I know the defense mechanisms I use to protect myself really only hurt me in the end. Nasty words, being excessively mean when it's not necessary, being cold when nobody deserves it. It's all overrated. It's all a temporary fix to your pain. It's all bullshit, basically.

I have told myself for a long time that I can not function in a relationship. I have told myself that I have so much in my past that I can't trust or believe in basic goodness. I have told myself that the happiness that most people strive for and attain can not be mine. I have set myself up for failure.

So today, I am going to forgive myself. I am going to stop standing behind who I think I should be and I'm going to walk in front and be the person that is scared to step out. How silly is it to be scared of failure when I know I survived odds that most people don't beat. That's not failure. I know how to love, but I don't expect to be loved. And when I am-I doubt it. I forgive myself for not believing that I deserve that.

I have done to EVERYBODY what I claim is the worst thing you can do. I have not given anybody the benefit of the doubt in thinking they could understand me. I have held everybody to the standard of some of the worst people I have ever known because those are the people that I never want to be in my life again. So to protect myself, I've only given everybody else as much credit as I would to those people...NONE.

I forgive the people that ever formed an opinion about me without knowing anything about me. The fact of the matter is, I never gave them the opportunity or trusted that they had the capacity to even "get" me. I forgive them, and in that same breath-I hope they can forgive me for assuming they weren't capable.

I may have lost the things most important to me to realize that instead of fighting against them, I could have fought for them. Honestly, I don't know what to do now. I can't explain the feelings I'm having right now-but I have got to move forward. I've been a person outside of myself for too long and I have to stop that. I've let the person that I want people to see walk in front and move forward, and I've let the person that I'm trying to hide pull back. I'm standing in the middle allowing the tug of war and while they move forward and back-I'm just here. Going nowhere. I can walk forward-so the person I am is who people will see. The person I'm trying to hide...she has got to go.

It's doesn't make any sense for me to get upset about how people judge me. It makes sense to file it, keep my head up, and show them who I am.

As much as I've ever been through, nobody has ever victimized me worse than I've done to myself.

I forgive them.

Most importantly, I forgive me.