The best day of my summer?

I have looked forward to this day for two months.

I have anticipated the moment I would hold my son again, see his smile, and just feel him in my arms. I have imagined that this day would be emotional for him, but I was sure I would be prepared for this day. I knew that his emotions would range from way high to way low, and I thought that no matter how emotional for him, this would be the best day of my summer. The day I got my child back. The day I got to look in his eyes, tell him it's okay. Tell him how proud I am, and most of all-show him how much I love him.

Today was supposed to be the best day of my summer.

Today, I woke up in tears again. I haven't woke up crying at least for a few days. Today the emotion is heavier even than a week and a day ago when I felt like my life as I knew it totally left me.

For a week and one day, I have had the opportunity to just feel however I am feelings. I was able to isolate myself and just be alone with my thoughts. However helpful, or dangerous that might be.

Today I have to stop hiding. I promised my son a welcome home party-and that is what he will get. But my stomach turns at the thought. I don't want to answer any questions. I don't want misplaced sympathy-I want these people to welcome my son home and leave me the hell alone.

Today, I have to put on the good face and mean it. And I'm not ready. My heart is heavier than ever. For all those people, they are outsiders. My son can look right through me. I can say whatever I want to him, but just as I can see through him-my eyes will never lie to him.

I anticipate the question. Where is MR.? I thought MR. would be here? I have an answer, but I don't know if he'll take it or not. I pray to God he does. Because really-all I can think of is that I was prepared to try to help him deal with what he just went through, but I don't know if I can help him through this. I can't help myself through this.

Once again, I brought him into something that will hurt him. And as I pray with all my might and hope with all my soul that it is not the end of things, I have to move on. And I can't right now. It's not even that I don't want to. I CAN'T.

Today was supposed to be the best day of my summer. Today, one of the most important people in my life is coming back to me. And when I embrace him, I will try not to cry. I will try to be strong. But just his embrace, just his touch, his smile...it's going to break my heart all over again. It will bring the reality that I have to break his heart AGAIN, and I can't tell him why. And as I hold his hand and we walk away, I will try to be strong. I will try to pick myself up and hold it together. I haven't tried to be strong for everyone else and pretend like I am okay, but I owe him this. And as time passes, and I have to deal with this reality-I will let him blame me. It is my fault. I brought him here. I gave him hope for a life he has longed for. And I'm the one that ruined it.

I don't know how to deal with this situation. I'm hoping it all falls back into place. I'm praying that I'm strong enough to take it all. I'm praying that for all the hurt I have brought into his innocent life, that somewhere-sometime...he can forgive me.

Today is supposed to be the best day of my summer.

Today, I feel worse than I can ever remember feeling in my whole life.