Is it you?

Is it you?

9 o’clock in the evening

I hope to be tired

My mind never rests

My heart pounds harder by the second

The needs of my body are unheard

I put all my hope in two little pills that

May or may not bring rest.

Physical rest.

Do you miss me tonight?

Do you remember the daily talks, laughs, conversations.

Why can’t I get you out of my head.

Is it you?

10 o’clock in the evening

The quiet time I dread

The time when my mind takes over

Memories flood the cavity of all other thoughts

They take over everything about anything

I feel no effects from the pills

I feel that my body needs stillness

Are you laying in bed?

Are you missing me like this?

Is it you?

11 o’clock in the evening

Nothing.

Not even the slightest hint of drowsiness

Tears come and go

Frustration looms

Sadness hovers

Sleep nowhere to be found

Are you angry with me?

Are you mad because I haven’t called?

Was I a waste of your time?

Is it you?

Midnight

The TV is on

The sound is turned down

The picture is clear

I see nothing.

I close my eyes hoping for rest

I toss and turn hoping to fall off into sleep

You will not leave my thoughts

You will not leave my mind

Is it you?

1 o’clock in the morning

My heart is beating so fast

I can’t hear anything but the pounding

Inside my head

The house is creaking

For one moment I wonder

If someone came in

Or did you just enter my dreams?

Did you bust into the realm of my unpeaceful rest?

Is it you?

2 o’clock in the morning

I fight to get back to sleep

Even if just for a fleeting moment

It’s sleep

Empty space with no thoughts

Quiet time in my head

But I long for your touch

I long to hold you

To touch you

To graze my lips against yours

I long to hear you say “I love you”

Is it you?

3 o’clock in the morning

I tell the thoughts of my mind to go away

I chase the hurt feelings out of my heart

I open the door for anger

I welcome in the frustration

I allow rage to push away the loneliness

And even in anger-

I miss you.

I pray for you.

I want to know if you are happy.

I want to know if you think of me at all.

I want to know if I can’t get you out of my mind

Because you can’t get me out of yours.

Is it you?

4 o’clock in the morning

I give up the illusion of rest

I give up on taking things day by day

I let go of hoping each day is better

It’s all one endless period of time

Time without you

Time without the love I crave

Time that I am left to my own thoughts

Left to my own conclusions

Left to my own assumptions

Are you sleeping well?

Are you going to wake and tell someone else

Good morning and have a good day?

Are you going to wake up and wait for me to call?

Is it you?

5 o’clock in the morning

It is time to start another day

Another day that I trudge through each moment

Trying to pretend like I don’t spend every second

Missing you.

Trying to find something else to occupy my time

Instead of waiting for you to text me.

Hoping every call is you

Waiting for this nightmare to be over

Waiting for my life to be right again.

Have these thoughts awoken you as well?

Is it you?

And as 6, 7, 8, 9 and every hour comes and goes

It will be one hour closer to the time

That I can try again and

Hope for rest

Hope for peace

Hope for sleep

I will pray all day

I will think of you all day

I will cry on the inside all day

I will wonder what you are doing all day

I will hope that there is no one to replace the space

That I hope I have in your heart.

I will tell myself that it is getting easier

When I know and feel in my heart and all of my soul

That this day is no better than the last

I will smile on the outside

When on the inside I can’t find anything to smile about

I will do what I’m supposed to do

While I am secretly dying on the inside

I will push harder for the things I want

And pretend like I am newly motivated

When really it’s all I can do to keep from falling apart

I will wonder all day if you think of me

I will wonder all day if you know I think of you

I will hope that you still love me

I will hope that you know that I will always love you

I will still dream of our future

I will hope that you still think we have a future too

I will fight myself with the thought that this is over

I will talk myself into believing that you will come back to me

I will criticize myself because I feel so dumb

I will yell at myself because I have become so dull without you

Is it you?

Is it me hoping it is you?

Are we still connected so much that I know when you hurt..

I know when you are angry…

I know when you are frustrated…

But not connected enough for me to know that

There was no connection for you?

Is it you?

Is your pain like my pain?

Is your frustration like my frustration?

Is your love like my love?

Do I just hope it is like mine so that I can hold on to a glimpse

Of what I think still can be?

Is it you?

Are you here?

Will you come back?

Have you let go?

Is it you?

What do you want?

What do you need?

What can I do?

Is it you?

Or is my mind running in hopelessness

Is my heart hurting because the truth is that you are not part of me

Is my body running purely on undefined emotion

That stops me from eating, sleeping, or even being

in any way affected by the things that should slow me?

Will the questions ever stop?

Will the pain ever go away?

Will my heart beat again in the way that it did

So freely before?

Is it you?

Please.

Is it you?

8/21/08

5:38 a.m.

Sleeping pill

I have to

REST.

I can not
should not
will not

try to quiet this commotion in my mind.

There is NO silence
NO escape
NO end

to the confusion that repeats and replays with no sympathy
for

the body

that

is NOT able
can NOT function
will NOT go anymore

BECAUSE

the nerves,
the hurt,
the pain,
the feelings-

DON'T REST.

SLEEPING PILL
please come and mute the cantankerous
rambuctious
misery that
will NOT be weakened
by the pity my heart cries out.

SLEEPING PILL
muffle the pangs of angst
the sharpness of neglect
the piercing stab of abandonment

SLEEPING PILL
turn down the volume on
cries of anger
hurt
and dry these endless tears.

PLEASE
be my temporary answer to this
PERMANENT PAIN
so that this body can

rest. Wake up. Fight itself through the endless,
painstaking,
excruciating day.

And then I will call on you
AGAIN
To ease the pain you did not cause
but only you can take the

MISERY
and hold it.

Until I do it all again.

SLEEPING PILL
GIVE ME unreasonable
restless
REST.

8.7.2008

August Seventh. Two thousand and eight
Five Thirty-Seven p.m.
How many things happened at that moment?
Lives began, lives came to an end.

One moment not appreciated
thousands of moments yet to lose
Time take for granted
Everything changes-old becomes new.

Time used to be fleeting
Happiness and love overflowing my heart
now every moment is an eternity
Now this time tears me apart

Each free moment used to be fantasy
Imagining the perfection of our lives intertwined
Now free moments incarcerate my soul
Now freedom is the greatest enemy of my mind.

I used to expect what each moment would bring
I used to be able to predict the course of my day
I used to bask in the comfort of your love
I want that back-I don't want this pain.

Each day my mind recorded every little thing
so that I could recount it all back for you
Even though we were physically apart
You were right here with me-I HAD you.

When I woke early in the morning
and thanked God for another beautiful day
I also thanked him for the love of my life
Thanked him for answering all of my prayers

There are not many constants day to day
But I found comfort in being with you
Every challenge. Anything. I could face it
I had your arms to fall into

I was so sure that this was right
It was too perfect to be close to wrong
I finally found the completion to this hole in me
I finally felt like I had somewhere to belong

It wasn't always easy to get through things
But I knew our love would be put through some tests
I knew we each had things that would come and go
I just knew our relationship would be blessed

Now-each day is just a day
Time that I wish would just pass
Time I wish I could rewind
I need time to slow down. This all happened so fast.

I miss the freedom in my happiness
I miss the excitement of being in love
Mostly-I just miss all of you
I still don't know what I could have done

My mind has not stopped searching
I just don't know how to feel
I can not rest. I can not comprehend.
This hurt can not be real.

That day-That very moment
Who can say all that happened right then
8.7.2008...5:37 p.m.
Life as I LOVED IT came to an end.

Self-Reflection...Preservation

I'm still shaking.

But for once-the thoughts in my mind are clear.

I walked around the lake again today. It has become habit. Now more than ever, I have an urge to push my body to it's limits. To get back in shape the way I know I should be. To be healthy as ever, because that should be what we want for ourself anyway. At first I thought it was just something I was doing to distract myself. Often times I have wanted to just tire myself out so that I could sleep for any length without waking myself up with my thoughts.

Today, our Pastor asked the congregation to fast from 6 am until 6 pm in preparation for our 14th Church Anniversary. He focused on three major points to study, fast, and pray over. The first one...self reflection. From Galatians 2: 20-21

20 I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. 21 I do not set aside the grace of God; for if righteousness comes through the law, then Christ died in vain.”

I don't know where to start...I don't know where this will end. But talk about some self reflection.

Obviously, the demise of my relationship has entrapped my mind for the last almost two weeks. Searching for what went wrong. Remembering things that should have thrown a flag. Mostly being depressed, then mad, then angry, then sad about the whole thing.

Today, there was a couple holding hands walking in front of me. They both had their own iPods, but they walked hand in hand...exchanging looks from time to time, but they walked in silence. Each walking to their own beat-but still walking together. I thought, well-thank you God for showing me what that love was like. Then I wondered how many people have had to get over love like that-how it affects you in the future...but that is a post for another time :-)

I thought to myself that I miss his affection. His love. I thought WE had a connection like that. Then I remembered how connected I felt to him when he made love, how special it was because we were in love...
and something stopped me right in my tracks.

Self reflection.

"I have been crucified with CHRIST...who loved me and gave himself for ME"

Then I remembered that when "we" were still a "we"...we made a vow to abstain from sex. We made up rules about what we could do and couldn't do...but we both agreed that we wanted our relationship to be blessed. I remember saying, from my OWN mouth, that I could respect that he wanted to do this-but I was not completely into it. I can remember NOT FEELING BAD about having sex with him even though we said we wouldn't. I remember EVER SO VIVIDLY now that I made a promise to GOD and I broke it without any remorse, without second thought...and without EVER repenting. I wanted a timeline for how long we had to abstain. I wanted to do it for a certain period before we got married. Shouldn't we all so thankful that Jesus never asked how long he would have to wait before going to Heaven? Shouldn't we all be so thankful that he didn't lay out any rules or limits before he got up on that cross?

Self reflection.

Indeed, I can not control what somebody else does with THEIR salvation, but I will be held responsible for my own.

My body is a temple. Given to ME to preserve. And I have done nothing to preserve it the way I should have. I have done nothing to thank God for preserving it FOR ME when all that a doctor could say is "You could die from this". I have preserved my body for the pleasure of others. Not God.

As I walked, I realized...we had a glimpse of what that connection can be. We didn't have sex, we truly made love. It fixed things for us. It became THAT that made us feel connected. That is NOT a blessing. That was NOT given to us by God...that is the enemy at work. My God, My God-how I see it so clearly now. Physicality took over spirituality. Lust took over love. Flesh took over spirit.

If we would have waited like we said we would...it wouldn't have been any less special. It would have been MORE special. It was a connection that neither of us ever felt. It is a connection that is for MARRIAGE. I did get to a point where I believed that it would benefit us, but when he was weak-I didn't try to stop him. I gave in. I gave up. And everytime I gave my body to him or to any other man, I slapped my God right in the face.

So I have to ask myself, if a man thinks that my body is good enough for him to take physical control of, but not care about my salvation-why have I given it so many times? If a man wants to act like a husband but can not BE a husband, why should I wait for him to make up his mind? Why should I give up my body in the meantime? I'd rather die alone than rot in hell knowing I quenched the lust of any man that doesn't have enough self-control to think about God, his salvation, and my life.

Why have I demanded that I be respected, when I didn't even have enough self respect or respect for GOD to stand up for what IS right? To even CARE about what is right. And if I don't care about what GOD thinks of me-why should any man care about it either?

It indeed was a beautiful thing, but I am so ashamed of my weakness. I am so ashamed of my willingness to let one moment of satisfaction get in the way of an eternity in heaven.

So, indeed, I should push my body. I'm training for the race of a lifetime, and the finish line offers me an eternity in heaven.

I know this is not the only thing-but it is a big thing for me.

I have so many thoughts on this, but they are not clear right now.

Self reflection. I see the reflection. I don't want to look at that anymore.

Now that I've seen the reflection, it's time for preservation.

My body is a temple. My body is God's temple. He gave himself for ME. So why have I given myself so freely to everybody BUT God.

I can't tell anybody else what to do. I can't and won't judge anybody else's relationship with God or try to tell you how to get to Heaven.

For me, I will not let anybody disrespect me or my body again. I won't let lust get in the way of what I know is right. I won't let my past behavior be an indication of what I will do in the future.

Reflection indicates looking into the past. I have to move forward from that.

I don't want my self reflection to show how selfish and ungodly I have been.

I want my reflection to show how good God has been to me. I want my reflection to show that I am a child of God and have acted accordingly. I want my reflection to show that I preserved myself and prepared myself for what God has in store for me.

My self reflection shouldn't just be a reflection of me. It should also be a reflection of what he has done for me.

I asked God to forgive me, and my faith tells me he already has.

I asked God to help me, my faith tells me he already is.

And as confused about life as I am right now, there is no confusion in knowing that he is directing me and showing me where I should go.

And in my reflection, I can see that I have stood in the way of what he has tried to do in my life for far too long.

I'm moving out of the way.

Self-reflection. This is the last time I reflect upon my life and stand alone.

"...it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me"

And the next time I reflect...THAT is what I want to see.

You...Me

You…Me


There is a place to show you
The depth of my love
Not in this world below
But in the clouds above

Not in the intensity of blowing winds
Not in the midst of downpour
Not when the snowflakes fall steadily
But up above the storm

If I could take you with me
Up into the sky
I could show you my love
How I see you through my eyes

The perfection that breeds in nothing
The peace that exists in complicated simplicity
The joy that screams out in serenity
This, my love, is you and me.

The clouds roll on into forever
The sunset touches eternity
The beauty is a million lines
That walk hand and hand infinitely

There are millions of billows of softness
There are countless valleys and hills
There are places where it looks to be noisy
There are places where it seems so still

In one glance it all looks so simple
But there is so much to see
It goes on and on forever
This-is you and me

I want to hold you among the softness
I want to touch you tenderly
I want to feed you this taste of beauty
This is our love-heavenly.



In this vast sea of nothing
I see so many things
I see forever so clearly
I see the story of you and me

A picture displayed in perfection
A song sung in perfect harmony
A story with the happiest ending
The love inside you and me

As I look into the clouds
There is so much to see
Maybe nothing to someone
To me? Everything

I can show you this concretely
This work of art, natural and true
So wonderful I want to see it forever
It is my love for you

As the lights come through the clouds
And end my fantasy
I remember the world around me
Back to jaded reality

I escaped into my heart
For those precious moments in the sky
A picture that painted my love for you
Can you see it? Can you try?

The clouds tell an enduring story
Of love that never ends, never dies
It is the amazing beauty that I see
Every time I look into your eyes

As amazing as the endless clouds
Look into my heart and see
That you define perfection
As divine as the sunset and clouds as they meet

The view that I see is breathtaking
When I look at you it is the same
You are the place where my heart runs freely
It is with you that I am safe


My words could go on forever
Like the beautiful clouds I see
A simple view, yet so much within
This-is you and me

As the clouds roll on forever
Creating a perfect piece of art
I’ve seen the beauty I couldn’t explain
I’ve seen the love inside my heart

As the sound of your voice fills my ears
And beauty is before me as far as I can see
I have found peace that lies within you
This is you. This is me

Come with me into the clouds
Let us travel above the storm
Feed on this delicate ecstasy
It is you-I am at home.

When you want to see my love
Escape into the clouds and see
We are intertwined in heavenly perfection
I am you. You are me.



Written January 17, 2008.
When I believed in us more than anything.
I still do.

The best day of my summer?

I have looked forward to this day for two months.

I have anticipated the moment I would hold my son again, see his smile, and just feel him in my arms. I have imagined that this day would be emotional for him, but I was sure I would be prepared for this day. I knew that his emotions would range from way high to way low, and I thought that no matter how emotional for him, this would be the best day of my summer. The day I got my child back. The day I got to look in his eyes, tell him it's okay. Tell him how proud I am, and most of all-show him how much I love him.

Today was supposed to be the best day of my summer.

Today, I woke up in tears again. I haven't woke up crying at least for a few days. Today the emotion is heavier even than a week and a day ago when I felt like my life as I knew it totally left me.

For a week and one day, I have had the opportunity to just feel however I am feelings. I was able to isolate myself and just be alone with my thoughts. However helpful, or dangerous that might be.

Today I have to stop hiding. I promised my son a welcome home party-and that is what he will get. But my stomach turns at the thought. I don't want to answer any questions. I don't want misplaced sympathy-I want these people to welcome my son home and leave me the hell alone.

Today, I have to put on the good face and mean it. And I'm not ready. My heart is heavier than ever. For all those people, they are outsiders. My son can look right through me. I can say whatever I want to him, but just as I can see through him-my eyes will never lie to him.

I anticipate the question. Where is MR.? I thought MR. would be here? I have an answer, but I don't know if he'll take it or not. I pray to God he does. Because really-all I can think of is that I was prepared to try to help him deal with what he just went through, but I don't know if I can help him through this. I can't help myself through this.

Once again, I brought him into something that will hurt him. And as I pray with all my might and hope with all my soul that it is not the end of things, I have to move on. And I can't right now. It's not even that I don't want to. I CAN'T.

Today was supposed to be the best day of my summer. Today, one of the most important people in my life is coming back to me. And when I embrace him, I will try not to cry. I will try to be strong. But just his embrace, just his touch, his smile...it's going to break my heart all over again. It will bring the reality that I have to break his heart AGAIN, and I can't tell him why. And as I hold his hand and we walk away, I will try to be strong. I will try to pick myself up and hold it together. I haven't tried to be strong for everyone else and pretend like I am okay, but I owe him this. And as time passes, and I have to deal with this reality-I will let him blame me. It is my fault. I brought him here. I gave him hope for a life he has longed for. And I'm the one that ruined it.

I don't know how to deal with this situation. I'm hoping it all falls back into place. I'm praying that I'm strong enough to take it all. I'm praying that for all the hurt I have brought into his innocent life, that somewhere-sometime...he can forgive me.

Today is supposed to be the best day of my summer.

Today, I feel worse than I can ever remember feeling in my whole life.

Repossession of the Heart

One day there was a conversation
you said "Miss, can you help me please?
Somebody has stolen my heart away"
I said "Sir-who could it be?"

You composed the perfect response
You gave a sweet description of me
I asked you if you wanted your heart back
You replied, "No it's safe, hers to keep"

In jest I replied to you,
"If I could I'd give you mine,
but my heart is absent from me too-
I have given it away for life"

"You see, the strangest thing happened to me
I met an angel right here on earth
I gave him my heart, to have and to hold
He'll keep it safe, he knows it's worth"

These silly little quips between us
That now I miss more than you could know
somehow this one sticks in my mind
This one, I can't let go

Even when we were joking
My words always came from deep inside
There was never anything to play about
I was serious about giving you my life

These words and others repeat themself
In silence, these are the things I still hear
All the things we ever shared
All the things that I hold so dear

Where does all the love go?
How does it end so fast
How do I take what I thought my life was
And throw it into the past

How did you just end it all?
Where did you lose sight of me?
When did you stop believing in us?
Why was it so easy for you to leave?

My head won't believe it was nothing
All the plans and dreams we shared
How could you throw me away like this?
How can you go on, and not even care?

I can not just let go of you
My mind fights it day to day
My heart still belongs completely to you
My soul pleads for this emptiness to fade

I trusted you, I believed in you
I never thought that I would end up here
I never thought you would treat me like this
I never thought you could be so cruel

I don't know what you are going through
Is it so bad that you had to just leave?
What did I do that turned you away
Tell me something, talk to me PLEASE?!

Everyday-this one conversation
plays over and over, I can't get it to stop
Do you remember what we had together?
Do you know you still have my heart?

I never expected to give all of me
I never expected to find someone as perfect as you
and I never would have expected to be right here
Alone-wondering, what did I do?

So all that I have, is all that we were
I still hope it's what we can be
I don't want a life that isn't with you
But I can't make you want that with me

I love you completely with all that I am
I would give you all that I have
You could have had my heart for a lifetime
You still have it, I can't take it back.

The Stream

The Stream

The path has no direction
you can either come or you can go
you can choose to find the place
where the stream just flows and flows


You can go walk along the banks
you can go where the water flows
you can turn and go against it
It will not stop, it has to go


The water flows without effort
across the rocks, over fallen trees
there is no diversion that can stop it
it keeps on going-no reprieve


The water flows in silence
But if you listen, a sweet melody you hear
It sings of it's endless journey
it tells of all the places far and near


There are places when it was almost still
There are places the turbulence was too much to bear
There are places when there was so much around
And places like this, with almost nothing there


As the water draws me closer
There is something that I see
As my flowing tears fall into the flowing stream
There is a reflection-that is me.


There is a path that brought me here
It's the direction I chose to follow
And right here where it meets the stream
my reflection haunts me as I try to drown my sorrows.


The trees, the path-just EVERYTHING
around the stream it's just TOO still
This is my life drawn in nature's perspective
Life is moving. But I'm stuck here.

The water has no sorrow
for my pain, or this suffocating misery
It absorbs my tears, holds my reflection
It will not let me hide from ME


It takes my pain and suffering
And adds it to the end of it's own melody
It keeps on going as the current is thrusting
It keeps on moving, oblivious to me


My soul wants the stream to stop
My heart screams for it to let me just be
My mind doesn't want to embrace this
Let me go...leave me to my own suffering!


I can't move on like you do
I can't get through all these rocks in my path
And where all the trees have fallen down
I can't get over them, I don't have the strength!


So leave me, let me stay still here
Let me cry out and scream in my own misery
Let my sadness rip through my broken heart
Let me suffer. Let me grieve!


And as I scream out all my angst
The water moves without pausing for me
It swallows my screams, absorbs my pain
It moves through my soul with the same steady ease.


I don't know how I got here
so I can not continue to go
I can not flow through everyday
I hate the questions, I have to know!!


I'm not strong enough to keep up with the current
I'm not brave enough to accept my new truth
I just want to go back to how things were
I want my life back-I don't want anything new


The water still does not wait for me
It does not stop to listen to me groan
It flows on without entertaining my pleas
I hear what it's telling me. Yes, I know


I have to go on when I don't want to
I have to keep going when there seems to be no way
I have to keep fighting for everything I am
But I can't do it, not today


I need the strength of that small stream
I need the current to push me through
I need to stop letting life pass me by
I need to get up, I have to move


I hear what the stream is telling me
I see it go on without knowing the path
I hear it quieting the cries from my soul
I see that this way, I just won't last.


I'm getting up to move with my own current
I don't know where I'm going to end up
But I have to get through this place in my life
I have to keep going, I cannot stop.


Wherever the current takes me
I know that I will not be led astray
I will find the will to keep going
I will find it. I will find my way.


My path does have a direction
I have come and now I am ready to go
The stream has showed me what to do
Pick up my heart and put down the sorrow


I don't know exactly where I'm going
I don't know in the end, where I'll be
But the stream shows me my reflection
The stream won't allow crippling misery


I don't know the rocks that will be in my way
I don't know how I'll get through the fallen trees
But the stream lifts me up and soars through my soul
The stream will not let me give up on ME.

Psalms 143

Psalm 143
A psalm of David.

1 O LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief.

2 Do not bring your servant into judgment, for no one living is righteous before you.

3 The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead.

4 So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed.

5 I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.

6 I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Selah

7 Answer me quickly, O LORD; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit.

8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

9 Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD, for I hide myself in you.

10 Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

11 For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.



Thank you Lord, for your word. Because without it right now, I would certainly be lost.

There's nothing more for me to say here. Simply because, I can't lead myself right now.

I am looking to the hills...

Yes, my help is here.

It's a better day

Today will be a better day, just because it can't be any worse.


I got up today, made up my mind to do what I need to do at work.

Do what I need to do at home.

And do it all while not letting these other things distract me.



Thank you all for your comments and e-mails. I appreciate your support. There's no need to be angry at anybody here-just like I don't understand-I can't expect you to, but I do appreciate all your kind words and expressions.


The thing is, normally I would pretend to be fine-and I just don't have to do that. It's not healthy.

I don't know what will happen. I don't know if things will work out. I don't know why this happened. I don't know how it came to be like this. I don't know when, if ever, my heart will stop aching.

What I DO know is that today will be a better day. Not because I said so, but because God gave it to me.

It's a better day.

Things could be worse.
Things could be better.

But I just have to deal with how things are right now.

It's a better day.

I Win

You know, I knew that this blog would be more therapeutic than just a writing tool.

So I'm glad that my own words have touched ME.

I win.

I do win.

Everyday that I get up and I make it through the day, I win.

There was a time when things so much smaller than what I'm going through would have sent me on a tailspin...but although emotionally I'm still hurt, I will be okay. I don't have any doubts about that.

And instead of asking God why he is putting me through this...I have spent my time asking him to forgive me for not thanking him enough for the LIFE that I have been blessed with.

I can barely see this screen through the tears that are falling from my eyes, but I had that moment of clarity AGAIN. And I thank God for these moments. He's been showing me all through this that he still has a plan for me.

On Friday, I went to a friend's house and I just sat there with her. Thank you God for placing friends in my life that can offer me comfort. That can give me love and support in a way I never knew I would need it, but it was there.

On Saturday, I stayed in. Went out to run the nature trail, then right back in to be by myself. And the texts kept coming "The kids need you". And all I could think of was, I just can't take that right now. A knock on my door and my niece there to offer me a hug and a slumber party to make me feel better :-)

On Sunday, I could barely stand to be around all those people. All the kids hugged me like they had not seen me in years. All of them glad to see me, and every single one of them asked me if I was okay. I fought every time to hold these tears back, and I was ashamed of myself for showing my emotion so outright on my face. Then during benediction, the little girl I have prayed for relentlessy came forth to be baptised. To admit that she was angry that God took her mother away, but willing to let it go. I left. I couldn't take anymore.

THANK YOU GOD for putting these children, and all these people around me in my life. I had to think back-they didn't want to know what was wrong with me because I looked terrible, they wanted to know because they love me. Because for many of these young people, I was able to pull something from inside of me and help them to deal with what was on the inside of them. And together we were able to pull it out, pray about it, and move on. And for the child that lost her mother...how small are my problems. I am upset that someone I love has hurt me. But NOBODY has taken away somebody that I love. And in the midst of everything she has been through, she was coming back to God, saying here is my life-I'm sorry.

Just as he is on fire for what he wants...I've been on fire for a long time too. But I have been working towards it. I've always felt like the things that I have gone through were not placed in my life for me to be in pain, but to help others that didn't understand their pain. I have always felt and sometimes been burdened by the position I seem to play for others. Always here for everyone and often times felt like I didn't have anybody to lean on. I missed it. I completely missed it.

I have let this world make me my own enemy. I have let what society thinks a victim should be define the ideas that I had for myself. And all the while God was calling me to be something better and stronger. But He couldn't do it unless I stepped up to see it. And all this time, I have completely missed it. God, forgive me.

I have always had a way to see what people are feeling without really even talking to them. THAT is a blessing. God gave me that. And because he gave me that, he gave me a gift of knowing what words to use to soothe people. And he didn't just give me those words. He gave me a life and lessons so that when these people came to me, I would know what they have been through and they would know my words, my actions, and anything I had to offer were genuine and from my heart.

So as I sit here, heart broken and mind reeling-I have to thank God again because I could be somewhere so much worse than I am now. I don't have to tell anybody who I am, I AM who I AM and I don't think anybody has a hard time seeing it. I have to thank God for trusting me with everything I am going through. And I have to thank God again for the living testimony that even though I might have gotten comfortable or even a little lazy in who I am, he will never let me be any less than he expects. Thank you, God.

I win. Everything that I have been through, I got through it. I did that.

I win. Everything that has hurt me, only hurt me. It didn't GET me. I did that.

I win. Everything that looked me in the face now has to look at my back, because I didn't get over it, I didn't get around it, I got through it. I did that.

I win. I have proven that I know how to love, that I now know how to be loved, and that is exactly what I should expect and deserve. I did that.

I win.


I can't make anybody stay here. I can't make anybody want me.

But if they don't want me, I know what they have lost.

And as much as it hurts, I just know that that is how much stronger I will be.


I WIN.

The E-mail to only be heard in my world...

I am posting this for peace of my own mind. It has not been sent-it probably never will be and I"m certain that here there is no way for it to get to him...but it is for me.

Mr.,
I haven't contacted you because I wanted to respect your space and your decision. I did, however, think that by now, we would have had some communication-but I understand that you have quite a lot going on right now.

This weekend has been very hard for me, only because I'm not sure I fully understand how a small miscommunication ended up here. My first thought was that I certainly got what was coming to me in the form of how our relationship ended before. Mr.-If you were hurt like this, or confused like this. I truly apologize. My actions at that time were not because of you but because of things I was going through on my own. I'm not trying to justify this by saying that is your case-but I am truly saying I am sorry for hurting you in the past.

I have gone through this over and over and over and OVER in my head trying to figure out what I did wrong, what I said, just ANYTHING to give me some clarity for why we ended up here, but I have not found it. So from your statement, it seems you believe that I don't understand the notion behind what your lifestyle will be like. Then after a conversation with a friend, I was informed that you had had doubts for quite some time that I was ready for this next step you are taking. In the friends opinion, you may have wanted to experience some of the "crazy" things you had seen in the industry-and I think I know you better than that-but that could also be so. I don't fault you for that at all.

Also by your statement, you stated you need someone to just go with you. So, I still tried to go back and see where we weren't moving together. Mr., the thing is, you've been moving forward this whole time, and it was your request that I just "be here". And that's what I have done-it doesn't mean I have been stagnant in my life. I have completely understood that you need someone to support you and not ask any questions, and after you made that clear-that's what I have done. When you have asked for suggestion-I have given it. And really-it wasn't until your stay with me that we made this clear. So I don't know if we even had enough time to see if that worked for us or not.

To be fair to you, I have to really clarify where my feeling that you didn't consider ME came from. To just be honest, it came from the whole fiasco with the trip. I know I came to Your City and we had a great time, not to take ANYTHING from that, but you took care of everything, we had a very good time and then it was like I was supposed to forget it ever happened. After the short conversation we had in the airport, I could see that to you the issue was resolved. We had fixed it-but we never really did. I didn't bring it up again because you know I hate when people do that to me, and I didn't want to do it to you but you basically disregarded my feelings to do what you thought was right for your parents-even though you didn't even agree with them, and you admitted that. That is a hard pill to swallow. Then, after reading the e-mail from Sister, I understand you already had these things on your mind. Even though you said that Sister is not qualified to give you relationship advice because of her own issues, a lot of the points she made are things that repeatedly came from you as well. I don't know Sister. That e-mail only took me back to how upset I used to get because people judged me before they even knew who I was. If nothing else, it was important for me to see exactly how far I HAVE come. It was a weak moment for me, but honestly-after talking to you and talking to a mutual friend that Sister and I have, I understood where Sister might be coming from based on her own situation. I don't know it, I don't pretend to know it and to be mad at her would be downright childish. You said that you don't take her all of her advice to heart, but I heard alot of what she said in what you said to me in your last statements to me. I'm not mad at her for saying what she said because she knows you better than anybody and in many situations, I have been very thankful for the relationship the two of you have because I know she is the only person besides me, that you really confide in. Everybody needs an outlet, and I am glad you have that in her. She took what I said and she interpreted it the way she saw it, but you know me better. And it is to those points that I feel like I need a moment.

Mr., when I said I was a broken person-it's because I thought you knew what I meant. When we first started talking again seriously-you told me you were a broken man living on a prayer and a promise and that's all you had to offer. This is something I knew you would understand because we have been there at different times in our life. The thing about it is, to say and see that you have been broken means you have picked up the pieces and are moving forward. Yes, I may have been a broken person but I can look at the wounds and carry on. Of course I have problems, and I have issues, but I confront each problem, each issue right in the face and I deal with it. The person that can see issues and problems in another person should take a good, long HARD look at themself in the mirror-because we see in other people what we know about ourselves. I have never tried to give you my issues and have them to be yours. As a friend, I confided in you when I was upset, just as you have done. And any issue I thought would affect you, I gave you the information I thought you needed to be able to process it on your own and make your own judgement. Really, the only issue I ever had that you would have had to deal with was my "relationship" with Son's Father. And when I asked you for your input, it was not for you to DEAL with my issues. These are issues I have already dealt with. If I need somebody to deal with my issues, or to give my issues to someone-I know how to pray. To me, I wanted you to know everything about me. What I"ve been through, how I got through it, so you would know me...and I believe you did the same. It's how we learned about each other. In a moment of weakness, I took every fault I had and laid it on the line for you to show you that I don't in any way think that I have it all figured out, but I find a way to get it figured out and I thought we were doing that together with the problems that came up in OUR life. I haven't accepted that my life sucks-I wouldn't even claim that...because I would be telling God that I'm not grateful for every blessing that he was gracious enough to rain down on me. My life certainly does not suck. And if I was ignorant enough to only deal with problems the way I always have-I definitely would not be here. I deal with things as they come, and after I deal with them I make adjustments in my life so they don't come up AGAIN. I take what I have learned in life, from other people, from prayer and study and I use those tools to get me a step ahead each time. And the fact is, regardless of what I've been through, I'm still moving forward and up at the same time, and I couldn't do that without God. It doesn't take courage to admit that you have problems, it takes courage to look in the mirror and realize that at the root of all your problems is yourself. I've done that, and that's why I'm NOT the person that you knew before, that's why now I am who I am. I did not have to judge other people, look down at them, or kick anybody on the way. And for those that judged me, it's not for me to be angry with them, God will deal with them in his own way. Every enemy, every person that has hurt me, every person that wanted ill for me, I had to forgive them. That was for ME. I understand the implications of rededicating your life to Christ because I've been there too. It has occurred to me that you actually did hear me saying that everything you did was wrong because that's what you are used to. It was never my intention to "correct" you or "fix" you or do anything but give you an honest opinion in LOVE. I have never tried to control you, regardless of what anyone thinks. It has also occurred to me that I was not wrong for communicating my feelings with you, you just aren't used to that. YOu showed this in everyday matters. When they asked you to change some things in your music, you took it personally and didn't want to change it because you thought what you had was good enough. They didn't tell you it was wrong, they just wanted something different. It's still yours. I know this is a very sensitive subject so please know that I am treading lightly and these things that I am saying are not to put anybody down in any way, especially you. We both agreed that we never wanted to be in a relationship where one person kept things from the other, or things were hidden. And that is the kind of open relationship we have both worked for, I haven't hid any feelings from you even if I knew they wouldn't be received well. However, I know when I'm pushing on the line of you being too upset to hear what I have to say. This is not losing my identity behind anything. This is called compromise. There is no point in talking about something when both of us are just getting mad.

When the whole "trip" fiasco went down, you told me that I had to understand that I was dealing with close minded people who were stuck in the old days. It is one thing to understand it, and a totally different thing to have to deal with it. Mr., you are your own man. But time and time again, I hear your pain because it's almost like you feel guilty for wanting to live your life the way you know you can. You feel like you owe certain things, when in reality-you have done far above and beyond what anyone should expect. And that is what a family SHOULD do for each other. It never would have been an issue for me until I felt like their approval was more important to you than anything. THAT is why when I left I wanted to know what the next steps were. This whole fiasco was the first time you ever admitted to me that it bothered you that I didn't come out there more often. But I'm going to tell you, it DID bother me that everytime we went through anything you would bring up anything and everything you had done for me. This is not a challenge to see who is doing more for who. Anything I do for you, I do because I love you and because I want to. Anything you ask, that's what I have done. Not because I have to conform to being somebody you want, not because I have EVER lost my identity, because I love you. There is nothing you could ask for that I would consider too much-and if I just couldn't do it, I would tell you but I would damn sure try.

Often with your family, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Of course I am here for you to vent, but if anybody else would point out something about your family you would get very offensive. Just like what you said about sister-I don't know if I could have shared someone else's point of view without you getting offensive. But that's your family. And because I couldn't agree 100% either way, I didn't say anything because I didn't want you to take it the wrong way. You were beside yourself when it came down to the issues you were having with your parents, but you still wanted me to bring my SON out there. As an outsider looking in, I didn't see how that would help anything you were going through. But you took it personally and took it as me saying they are bad people. Mr.-I cannot judge your parents relationship or their marriage on anything but what you tell me, and even then I don't hold any personal feelings about it. However I feel about how they treat you or what you go through are my feelings towards YOU. Just like any parent, they teach you the best they can but it doesn't make it right. In my opinion, from the five of you-they did a fantastic job. Everybody has issues with their parents, and it's a hard lesson to learn that what they taught you might not be right for you. I know who you are, and regardless of how they frustrate you or how the way they do things drives you crazy-you do a lot of the same things that you complain about. I don't fault you for that. I have done it too. It's natural-and I have never expected you to change overnight or change at all. I have always just been here to work through it if it affects our relationship. And it has never been a case where I am always right. I know that you carry a lot of weight for everybody in your family-but I just don't know if you see how great you really are. Regardless of what they've done, what they've taught you, what you like about them, what you don't like-you are you're own person. And like every family-they will depend on you to do things until they realize it's not fair to you or they shouldn't expect it-when that realization comes-who knows. I don't know when it happened for my parents...for me personally-I had to stop waiting for their approval and realize that my own happiness was more important than what anybody said or did to me.

Mr., all I ever wanted was for you to follow your heart and bring your vision to life. I told you time and time again that if you needed space to do what you need to do, I could offer you that and you could have the peace of mind in knowing that I would always be here for you. I admitted to you that I was wrong for trying to make you see things the way I thought they made sense, but I was perfectly fine after I knew that you could see what I was trying to do for you-and then I had to realize that's really what you needed. To know that I was here, but you had to do things the way they made sense to YOU. It's not my dream...I don't see the path. I would make little jokes about marriage and children, but understand there was never any time limit in my mind. I believe that you know 100% that I am here for you. That if it took you the rest of your life to pursue that dream, that's just how long it took. What I promised you as a wife and as a mother didn't have a timelimit on it. Our relationship certainly wasn't "going nowhere" and if you felt that way, I wish you would have told me.

I never told you I didn't understand what your life would be like, you questioned me and somewhere along the line convinced yourself that I wouldn't wait around for you or I wouldn't understand the lifestyle. I told you once that I don't think you know how to be happy-and I just don't understand why. It really seems to me that you expect there to be some conflict somewhere, so when our relationship was easy-that didn't make sense to you. Anything worth fighting for will take work. "Sticking together" is NOT just for marriage. It's for any relationship that is worth something. The greatest test of any relationship is how you get over the toughest times. We have had some tough times and we have always gotten through it together. It was never easy, but we got through it, and really-I thought this was something we could get through. I did not make a commitment to you lightly or without thought. When I told you that I gave you my life, I meant that. NO ring, no piece of paper, NOTHING is going to make that any more true. The things I told you I did not need...of course they would not make sense to anybody else because it's not THEIR relationship. I

believe the thing I said to you that made you the most mad is that I don't care what other people think about how a relationship should work-I know what works for us. I"m not interested in outside appearances, opinions, anything-because I know what will work for US. It might not work for someone else, it might not seem normal-but at the end of the day-I knew that I would do anything for you-anything for us-because it was worth it. This is my life. I thought. NObody else can speak on my behalf for what they might think will work or won't. I said it, and I mean it-what anyone else thinks is relative and really-not relative to ME. Anytime you said you "just weren't ready" or you weren't "on my level" made me really wonder why you don't give yourself more credit. It's not about you "being on my level". It's just about you loving me. I love you for who YOU are. Those things don't matter to me.

There is nothing that anybody could have told me would be too hard for us. At the end of all of this, I thought I might have deserved a little more than "YOU ARE NOT IT". I would never intentionally hurt you, but it does hurt my feelings that you have shown more respect over time for people that completely disregarded your feelings, disrespected the man that you are, and hurt you to no end. We have talked, and we have made plans for as much as we could for what we know. Time and time again you said that I was everything you wanted-were you just trying to talk yourself into believing that? The hardest thing for me is trying to explain this to my SON. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. Just as God has a plan for me, I know he has a plan for him too-and I probably have underestimated his strength. But if you are truly walking away from me, you are walking away from both of us. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, and he will never be angry with you-he loves you. Mr., I love you with everything that I have-but that certainly does not mean I have lost any part of who I AM. I can only love you because BECAUSE of what I've been through I love God first, and completely love myself second. If I didn't love ME, there would be nothing that I could offer to you. At this point, I don't know where you stand because what you said seems so unlike you. If it is that you need some space, but you still want me to be here. That is all you had to say. If the things that I have done or said to you really made you that upset and you are completely done with me and everything we had, I respect that and I will leave it alone. I have no hard feelings against you. I love you and I am so proud of you for going after your dream, you will make it. I believe in you so much. If all I have to offer you is friendship, then I hope you will take that. If that is too much to ask of you, I will accept that as well.

My feelings for you have not changed, and the hard thing is-I don't think they ever will. The hardest thing about this is the notion that you ended this so abruptly, and don't even care about it anymore. I am here if you want to talk to me, and I hope you do. At any rate, I respect your decision if it is final.

I love you.



And that is it. Did I send this? NO I didn't. I sent a short unfeeling e-mail to just open the door and let him know I'm here.

And I am. My heart is with him-because it has nowhere else to go.

And that might seem strange to you-but I don't know how to stop loving someone when it went as deep as I thought our love went.

I never thought I'd be open enough to GIVE somebody my heart like this, so I don't know how to take it back.


As much as I want to send this-and as hurt as I am. I still have my dignity. If he wanted to know how I felt-I suppose he would have asked.

I guess for me, to publish things here means I can't pretend like it's not happening how it really is.

It is what it is.

And today, still.

I'm just not "IT".

Sunday August 10, 2008~Don't Bow

Sunday's sermon was from Daniel 3:1, 4-6.

The sermon was about how the three boys did not bow down to the king because they knew better. And of course we went on to the furnace, where three people were thrown in but 4 appeared to be present.

The Evangelist's message was for the children, fitting for youth Sunday. But also for parents, telling us all to not bow down when we KNOW God is telling us to do something different. And I heard her, I really did. But I had a realization.

I have bowed down to this relationship. Made promises to God, didn't keep them. We made promises to God in our relationship, and didn't keep them. I bowed down. Bowed down to what I thought would make him happy, when all I had to do was stand up for God.

I'm still not okay. I don't have much more to relate on this subject...all I can do is pass the message on.

Don't Bow.

Cause I can tell you, it's a hell of a journey to just get back up.

Tha nature trail

Yesterday, in an attempt to get some clarity...I went and walked the nature trail. I needed somewhere to clear my head, where I could be by myself, no questions.

The thing is, I was not alone. There is nothing like God's natural creations to show you how good he is. As I walked the trail, there were so many symbols that spoke to me about my own life that I knew that God had lead me there for a reason.

As I walked the trail, it was very poetic to me that I started going downhill. How relevant. I walked a little while longer and there were two ways to go. I stood there. I didn't know which way to go, and I realized-many times in my life when I had to make a choice of where to go-did I make the right decision. I chose to walk over the bridge. The trail took me to a place where there was a creek on one side of me and just open fields on the other side. Everything on one side so still, and on the other side of me-the water never stopped. It was like life to me. When you get to a point where you are standing still, life still goes on.

I walked, I cried, I prayed, and I played things over and over in my head. Still searching for answers that I still don't have today.

There was an opening and a place where the creek opened up and now looked like a river. It was beautiful...but as I got closer to the water-I realized that getting closer to the water was a more treacherous and dangerous trail. What is beautiful is not always better, and certainly never easier.

As I walked, I realized that with time I was more consumed with the natural wonders around me then my own problems. I got to a place where the river crashed down on the rocks. The sound of the water was overwhelming. Almost so loud it drowned out my own thoughts, but not quite loud enough. Loud enough that I could get lost in the music that it made-but not so loud that I forgot my own problems.

Life is like that sometimes. Everything around you seems to consume everything-so you feel like your problems, however big-are so small in comparison. And sometimes, makes you feel unimportant. The water crashed down over the rocks. The tears crashed down out of my eyes.

After that, there was a clear opening. A small duck pond. So still. I had just left the water where it looked so violent, but this water was clear. Looked like a picture it was so still. I sat there and I cried. I prayed and I had a moment with God.

A fisherman came and because I didn't want him to know I was crying. I got up and finished along the trail.

I took the shortcut and as I could see I was coming to the end, there was a hill. I thought again-a poetic symbol. The end of the journey comes with an uphill battle. But this time, everything was still around me. And I thought in my head, everything is still but it's up to me to keep going. To keep pushing, and to meet whatever is at the top of the hill. No matter what it is.

I thought of the nature trail while I was in the shower today. I was supposed to go with my family. I kept thinking I was going to have to put on the "good face" because I didn't want them to think anything was wrong with me.

Well, I'm done with the good face. I'm not alright, and it's ok. As the sobs overtook me in the shower, I realized...I KNOW where I went wrong. I didn't praise God enough when I had what I wanted. I didn't thank him enough for the love, happiness, and clarity in my life. I prayed to him when it got hard...and he's probably heard from me more in these last two days than he has in awhile. THAT is here I went wrong.

So right now, although I know I Thank God and Pray to him everyday-I can still do more. That nature trail is like the story of my life...but all along the way-GOD WAS THERE. He was just waiting for me to see him.

Today I'm going back to the nature trail. I'm not going to take any shortcuts because I already know that way. I'm going to take the long way. I'm going to take it all in and I'm not going to wonder where I am, because the most important thing is God is there.

I'm going back to the nature trail.

But today, I'm not going to walk-

I'm going to RUN.

Because I'm just not "IT"

Because of who I am, I have put on the good face-held my head up high and smiled in everyone's face. Yes, I'm sad. But I'm okay. I'm going to always be okay.

But I'm not.

The harsh words echo in my head:

"I am selfish right now. You can't keep up with what I've got going on. You can't handle my lifestyle. You are pretending you are okay with it and I shouldn't expect you to put up with it. And before you come out here...I mean we could have a good time and try to patch it up...but NO, you just are NOT IT"


Funny because most of what he said seem to be similar to an E-MAIL that I had the displeasure of running across. My fault. Regardless of the reason I was in his e-mail, I shouldn't have violated his privacy-although I'm sure that time and again we've said we have nothing to hide.

The selfishness? Yes, I'm well aware of it. On many occasion I think my observations have pointed it out. The thing is-it didn't bother me. I was happy that he WAS being selfish because so much of his life mirrored on taking care of everyone else before he thought of himself.

The lifestyle? I never misunderstood the lifestyle. I know the lifestyle better than he thinks because I was around the people living it. I saw the relationships that worked. I saw the relationships that didn't work. I saw the picture opportunities, the "media" props in form of people-all of that. I saw it day to day to day-I know the lifestyle. I know the industry. I know the business-from behind the scenes. And isn't that important? To know what goes on behind the scenes so that you are aware of what makes the "PICTURE" work?

You know, I think the words of someone that doesn't even know me has penetrated and made him think. Let me clear-I am very sure of who I AM. I don't need to morph, settle, or pretend to be someone who I am not. However, I am UNSELFISH enough to let anybody around me be WHO THEY ARE. I don't need acceptance from ANY OF YOU. I know who I am. If you don't like it-kick rocks! BECAUSE I know who I am, there is no threat-there is no insecurity-and there is nothing wrong with letting someone be WHO THEY ARE. I don't have to pretend. The thing is, I don't need anybody to help me be who I am. So I have plenty in me to let somebody else be who they are. I will never lose sight of ME!

"This just isn't working out. I want to do what I want to do. Right now I'm on fire for my career and I want to make decisions and just have someone that will go with me not ask questions or not tell me how to do it any other way, even if there is a better way I want to do it my way."


What you need brotha, is a puppet. A puppy. Or a person with no brain. I have said over and over again, I know enough about enough that I don't have to pretend to know ANYTHING about things I know nothing about. Somebody tell me, if someone you love is moving forward in their life, and you can see an easier way-do you let them struggle? Well, that's what I was asked to do, because in his words...he proposed this question to me:

"When you look back after everything you went through, and you see all the struggles you overcame...doesn't it make it better? Aren't you saying 'I did that!'?"

The thought was preposterous to me. When I look back over all my struggles-absolutely-I am proud that I got here. But what I also look back at is the people that DID try to help me. All the time I wasted by trying to do it my way. All the trust I lost because I hurt so many people or stepped on so many toes doing it my way-that the people who tried to help me weren't willing to help me because that hard-headedness is not cute to ANYBODY. A friend shared with me a thought passed down to him "Nobody lives long enough to make all the mistakes. So I decided that I'm going to learn from someone else's, and that way I can make new and different mistakes!!"

There was confirmation in this relationship for me. Everything he is going through in some ways mirrors something in my life that I went through. But he wasn't open to letting me suggest anything. In his eyes, and obviously the eyes of his sister-I was trying to tell him what to do. And in his opinion, I got mad if he didn't. Now I'll admit-it is frustrating to watch somebody you love and care about go down a path you are certain won't turn out the way they thought. However, I never pushed my life on him. I never MADE him do anything. I gave suggestions, but he wanted me to just let him do it his way and keep my mouth shut. So I prayed and prayed about it. I never got any clarity on that. The best thing I could come up with was that maybe it wasn't for me to tell him how to do things, but just know inside myself that should he need me to help him-at least I could.

All of this started as a minor disagreement. He changed plans that involved me and my child without even talking to me about it. I just thought it would have been nice if he had had a discussion WITH ME. To this his point was:

"I made a decision because that's what works for me. I figured that you would be okay with it because I made plans to come the week after, and I thought since it works for me, you would be okay. I'm making it work."

Then after I said he didn't consider my feelings or viewpoint. He said:

"We are not moving together"

To which I made the point, how can WE move together when you are only making decisions for you? My point in the whole situation was, okay-if that was your thought process-then next time I will know. He said that doesn't sound right. I shouldn't feel that way. I shouldn't walk around thinking everytime I said something he was going to blow up or get mad.

Well guess what? THAT'S HOW YOU ARE! What he fails to realize, is just as I said I KNOW WHO I AM...I don't mind giving somebody space to be who they are. I'm not walking around here crying on the inside because you are hot-headed! I make personal observations and if it is going to cause conflict-I act accordingly. I don't like drama-I hate conflict-and I don't go looking for it. Why would I waste my time being upset over something I have no control over? If you go through a thought process in making YOUR decisions...note taken. If you don't start to see how selfish that is over time-Yes I'll let you know. But to argue about it? I don't have time for that.

Funny, because one of the things I wrote in the e-mail I sent him was "This relationship is turning out to be everything you said you didn't want". Guess what? Not my fault. As I look back, these little conflicts-all because he is not open minded enough to hear his own faults. You don't have to tell me mine-I'll TELL YOU. The relationship that he hates so much, and complains about constantly-that's how he operates. Demanding things for no reason. Set in a mindset that works for him and screw everybody else. He then made an observation about one of the people in this relationship he hates so much and said, "I feel sorry for that person. That person is very lonely." Well guess what? THAT'S WHERE YOU ARE HEADED!

I was always very aware that observations I made, he was not ready to hear. So I kept them to myself, and didn't let it bother me. I see HIM. I see the person he can be, I know his heart. There's no denying that. But I'm here. Willing to let him be who he wants to be. To let him work himself out WITH himself. But-I guess that just didn't work for him.

And in all this venting-you might think "Maybe YOU were unhappy". I was never unhappy. A lot of the changes he is making in his life-I've been very proud of him. What he doesn't understand is that no matter how much somebody helps you-everything you do is on your own. Somebody helping you doesn't take ANYTHING away from who you are or what you have done and are doing. It's someone placed there-to help you. THAT is a blessing. I've watched him grow up. We are all still growing up. And what he fails to realize is that the hardest person to really look at and analyze is ourself. The hardest person to learn about is ourself. The hardest person to look at and tell them that they are wrong is OURSELF. But to be able to do that shows great growth. Maybe he is not ready for all that, but I think he is.

I believe he can do anything he makes his mind up to do. I believe that he will achieve all of his goals. I believe that I was on board to help him to do all of that. I am still willing to give him the freedom he needs. My intent was never to hold him back or tie him down. My intent was to keep myself together and my home, our home, together so that if and when he needed me-there was no question that I could be here and he could get back on his feet and try again.

So all those things he said-that is what he made himself believe. Maybe that's what everyone else showed him, but I keep searching my memory relentlessly to see where I went wrong.

Regardless of what I did to him that he is so upset about, after all we've been through-I can't believe he talked to me like everything we had was nothing. I have told him I don't need him to do anything right now but pursue his dream. Every now and then I proposed ideas that made sense to me-maybe he felt like they were trying to hold him back-but after he stated his case-I let it go. As time has went on-I've tried to learn how he operates and had enough self-control in me to know when to say and when not to say. However, I'm human like everybody else. Not perfect, but I really tried to be everything this man needed.

At the end of the day, or maybe I should say at the end of "our" day, I would think that I deserve a little more respect than "You are not it". I have wanted to call him. I have wanted to know if he's okay. But, after being told off like a side piece that doesn't mean a thing-why would I? I have too much self-respect and dignity for that.

I was sure he would have called by now. But really, if it was that easy to just write me off. I'm not sure I want him to call.


My heart aches. There is no denying that. These tears? They come and go, but never stop. This love-I can't fight it.

After all this time that I've been everything he ever wanted, more than he hoped for, all that he dreamed of.


And in just one day, I'm just not "IT".


Unfortunate, because he's not "it" for me either.

He is

EVERYTHING.


I wish someone could tell me where I went wrong.

Because, I just don't

GET IT

Friends, my Family

In the midst of my own problems, it would be totally selfish of me to not say thank you to all my friends. To the ones who read, and to the ones who don't.

You are my family. You were not born of the same bloodline that I come from, but you have each stolen a piece of my heart-but you may have it forever!

In times like this-truly I do not know what I would do without each of you. I thank you all for knowing ME. For knowing what I've been through, and even for some of you that are still learning-you have never judged me, never questioned who I am TODAY, but most importantly you just love me. When I ask if I'm being crazy, selfish, stubborn-I thank you for telling me I am. And I also thank you for uplifting me at the same time. When I need honesty-I thank you all for honesty. When I need support, I thank you all for that support. And even when I don't think I need you to be there for me, you all know me enough to know when I need you and you never, ever fail to be there.

I thank you all because I have not felt alone in a long time, and that's not a feeling I ever want to go back to. I thank you all for the things you teach me from being great examples to me, and I thank you all for challenging me to be better.

They say you can not pick your family but you can pick your friends. But actually-I don't think I picked any one of you. I can see that God placed you in my life at the very moment that I needed you the most. And the moments like now-if nothing else-your words, your thoughts, your prayers are holding me up at a time that I can't even stand on my own.

If I've never said it before. I thank you.

Many people say that one of their goals in life is to change the life of another person. If for any of you-this is or was your goal. It has been achieved.

Thank you for knowing ME.

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for your friendship.

What do you do?

What do you do when your life as you know it is no longer life as YOU know it?

What do you do when the one person that you thought was the person that you were supposed to spend your life with walks away? What do you do when they tell you that everything that you are is nothing that they need? What to do you do when what they think of you is not necessarily your reality, but what they see as THE reality? What do you do when the person you've been fighting for no longer wants to fight for you?

You stop fighting. You walk away.

About three years and a half years ago-somebody else had these same thoughts about me. Pondered the same things. And I hope to God he didn't feel this hurt. Because if he did-I am sorry for that.

Once you believe that your reality is THE reality-nobody can change your mind. Instead, the people that want to be seen that you don't seen suffer because you haven't found something that you need. It's one of those unexplainable things that life presents. And it's not for me to understand it. I'm trying not to feel like somehow I deserved it. And I'm trying my damndest not to just give up.

If I step outside the situation...I'm proud of him. Proud of him for thinking of himself and not for everyone else. Proud of him for wanting and striving for his own goal and not trying to please everybody else in the process. Proud of him for finally believing in himself and what he can do. He'll get there. He's on his way.

I don't wish him any ill will. I'm not angry. But this pain-it's unbearable. I'm trying not to give up.

I am thanking God for showing me that everything I never thought I could be-I can be. For showing me that I can trust, I can love, and I can be loved and that IS what I deserve. I am thanking God for all of this even though I can't stop crying-he knows what he is doing. It is just a test. I won't give up on God, because he has never given up on me.

I'm asking God to forgive me. These tears aren't tears of doubt. This pain-this pain. I feel like my soul has imploded. I feel like my heart is struggling to find any pattern for any beat.

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back its yours, if it doesn't it never was"

I let him go before and he came back. This time he let me go-but I haven't gone anywhere.

You can't fight a battle when you are in the ring by yourself. When you're opponent has deemed you unworthy. When they've walked out of the ring because you are just not worth fighting or fighting for.

I'm not walking away. I can't. I haven't let go-I never will.

But I have ENOUGH to let him be. To respect his wishes. To not try to fight my way into somebody else's fight.

I can love.

I did everything he asked me to do, and in the end-it's not what he wanted. I don't think I can blame myself for that. I'm thankful for that kind of love. And if I never have it again-I'll just know that it is there.

All of this...

Easier said...

I can tell you what YOU do. Me?

I don't know.

Sunday-Aug 1, 2008

The scripture today was I Corinthians 13:13. My favorite verse in the bible. A verse that has gotten me from here to there plenty of times:

"But now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; and the greatest of these is love."

I realized today that I've been battling this for quite some time. And as the words to the song were sang (Jesus, you're the center of my joy. All that's good and perfect comes from you. You're the heart of my contentment, HOPE for all I do. Jesus you're the center of my joy) I realized that I have come up short once again.

I've been in complete turmoil with the situation that my son is in. Praying constantly and really hoping that God would mend the relationship between father and son. I have been hoping for so long that this could happen so that my son would not have to face the disappointment and the pain...and the notion of it hurts ME. But I've overlooked ALL the things that God has showed me in the process.

I have a child that knows God. That has prayed and testified to me over the phone, even though in pain, that he has prayed and he knows God has listened. FAITH.

He has told me that it has helped things to get better and he knows he will have a good time and God will help the time go fast. :-) HOPE

And although he complained to me of the rift between his father and him and his father's family, he still believes in what can be and never hovers on what has transpired...that is LOVE.

Unforgivingly, without judgment-he is standing there with an open heart. Ready and willing to believe that everything his father has promised him is true. He stands there believing and hoping that things will be the way he would wish them to be, and all because he has LOVE in his heart that allows him to do so.

Everyday, I pray that God just give me the right words to guide him. The strength to help him through this. The knowledge to get over it. And all the while I am trying to be a mother, my son has showed me a true example of the scripture I have often leaned on. My son has shown me that although I want to be strong for him, his heavenly FATHER will never let him down. And the things that happen on this earth-God will get him through it. Although promises may be broken and words are not kept-he will not suffer because he believes and hopes that things will be better-all because his love for God allows him to be free in what God has promised TO him.

I have so much emotion about this, I'm not sure that my thoughts are even transmitting clearly. Jesus IS the center of my joy. Not my son's happiness. Not fixing the wounds that hurt ME so I believe they hurt my child. Not trying to figure out the motive behind the actions of others. Jesus IS the center of my joy.

No matter what I go through, I am always thanking Jesus. So why am I not thanking him for showing me that he has a great plan for my child's life? Why am I not thanking him for having such a presence in my child's life at such an early age? Why am I not thanking him for the living testimony I often talk about?

Because in my mind, loving my child was not letting him hurt. But if I trust in God, and if I let Jesus be the center of my Joy and lead by awesome example-my son will know and be assured that his faith and his hope are not in vain-that the love he has already shown will be the greatest tool in his journey.

He loves his father. But the greatest LOVE is for his heavenly father. My child has shown me his faith. He has shown me his hope. He has shown me his relentless love. And he has taught ME by example that if I put all that energy into loving God, that he will rain it right back down on me. I can't protect him from the things that God has put into place for him.

A mother. Put back into her place BY a child. My child that God gave to ME.

My child is walking a tremendous journey. And amazingly to me, he knows he is not alone and his head is held high. I'm not creating or paving any ways or roads for him. He isn't walking by himself, he knows who is holding his hand, but-I'm walking behind them.

Faith.

Hope.

Thank you God, for everlasting Love.

The Archived Poems-The visit

The visit

I was so glad to see you.

It’s been so very long

I hope soon this is over

I’ve tried so hard to be strong.

This time I got to touch you

I felt safe in your embrace

I tried to hold my tears back

As yours streamed down your face.

We all got to sit together

Laugh, cry, and reminisce

These moments that I took for granted

These moments that now, I miss

Then we had to leave you

Something I really cannot bear

And once again, like other times.

I had to leave you there

*After first visit to prison

1/21/94

The Archived Poems-My War

My War

Like a brave little soldier

I stood out on the battle field

Nothing would ever stop me

To no one would I yield

My rifle was my courage

My armor was my strength

My will to fight came from within

Love, that would last to any length

Then the battle started

And all my pride was chapped

As I faced my opponent

I realized I was trapped

This was not the first one

I still had not received my crown

It was just another of many times

That in the end I got shot down