Clarity

I happened upon something rare last night. I think very few people can pinpoint when life started taking a turn for them, and how things were before that point.



I found it.



This last week has been more than trying for me. Yesterday I was deep in prayer and thought, when I was suddenly compelled to find a book I used to write in when I was younger. I had completely forgot about it and I was shocked that I even remembered I had it, and the fact that I knew exactly where it was. (Thank you God for talking to me!)



A box. Last night, simply a box. Today-the key to my clarity.



In the box I found things that I had written from preschool all the way until I was in college. It was painful to read some of it, because I can look back now and see where I started to hide inside myself. I read through every paper in that box. Who knows why I put those papers in that box when I did, but I see God knew exactly what he was doing.



I sat there and one by one, I read every paper, every story, every poem and I could look into my memory and remember how I felt. I laughed. I cried. But I remembered. In first grade, I wrote about an imaginary friend. On my story I wrote that she was a nice ghost and only I could see her and talk to her. I laughed out loud, and then I remembered JoAnna. JoAnna was my imaginary friend. She kept all my secrets. It hurt me at first to remember this, because my reasoning for creating her was as an outlet. I know that now. At first I started to get mad, I thought even then I was hiding. Then I let it go, it's over. And then the Clarity came over me. JoAnna was an imaginary friend at the time. But she was the me outside of me that I had to create to get through what I was going through. JoAnna was there when they touched me, when they made me perform sexual acts on them, when they teased me, when they hit me...but they never hurt her. She was MINE. They couldn't touch her. And now I see-she was the ME that they couldn't get to. It was something of mine that they couldn't taint. She was there for me. She listened to me cry, she felt my anger, she was there so I wasn't alone. I held onto JoAnna until I was about 8 years old. I never spoke about her but now I remember that I talked to her about the things I couldn't tell other people. If I recall correctly, I kind of let go of her when I started to actually believe that talking to God did mean he was listening. I was 8...I didn't know.



Also in the box were love poems I had written at various ages. All these things will be posted sometime, I just have to find the time to get them all in electronically. I giggled at the love poems. So cheesy and childish, as they should be. I have spent many years thinking that my childhood was robbed...and in some ways it was, I can't take that back. But here-I could see. It was in me...I had the same junior high crushes. I thought love was bubblegum and balloons. It was in me. I did know how to feel without doubt. I knew how to dream like little girls do. I have forgotten that part of me. I have forgotten that that ever existed inside of me. I found it. It was never taken from me, I just let the concept leave me. I stopped believing in that kind of innocence only because I was bitter that mine had been taken. My innocence might have been taken, but dreams can not be taken. We let them go when it seems like it's impossible that they could ever come true.



There were quite a few other poems that I wrote during the ordeal that my family went through when my dad was in prison. (All these things seem unclear I know, but I will post the details of these events soon enough!) It was hard to remember that pain. Learning how to deal with circumstance that you don't deserve was hard at 14. But I can look back and see that then, I was wondering why this was all happening. Today, I guess I feel thankful that I'm faithful enough to know it all happened exactly as it should have. Although these poems were painful to read, I remembered that I haven't always held everything inside. I couldn't. When I was feeling like that I had an outlet. I let it out, and then I let it go. When did I stop doing that? Why did I stop doing that? Somewhere along the line instead of letting it out, I just let it eat me away on the inside and I never let it go. I don't know when I stopped doing that, but it was so important for me to remember that I HAVE done that. That I have the ability TO DO that. I just stopped.

There were some other things in the box that I think I needed, just because I've become so lost in the bad things that I have let them overshadow all those things that I should remember proudly. A suprising amount of awards that I have received that I forgot about. How could I? Every one of those things is something I DID. I DID IT. Nobody can take those from me. They are mine. My acceptance letter to MIT. It was my dream to go there, and I DID THAT. Everything I worked for, everything I wanted...and when I got there-the door wasn't closed in my face. Although I didn't go because it wasn't what I wanted-it was still a dream-a goal...and I got there. "Welcome to the class of 2000". I might not have accepted the invitation, but it was there. That's important to me. I did that.

I guess I never stopped to go back and remember who I was before I let tragedy, bad memories, and circumstance consume me. Now I know. I know not who I was, but who I can be. JoAnna may have been put away, but I have to bring her back. All the secrets that she knows, I need to deal with them and then I need to find the dreamy teenager in me again and let it all go. Then I need to remember that it was me that got me to where I'm at. I did this.

I've been looking in the mirror wondering when it would be clear. Now I see that I was looking in the window trying to get away from what brought me down.

I'm back in the mirror. I see me. I see all of them behind me. So I'm turning around to gather them all up and take them with me so that I can now be whole on this journey.

And when I get them all and turn around...then I will see me. And it will all be clear.

Clarity.

Finally.